Erin sits at the table, graduation gown draped over the back of her chair. She grabs a sharpie and then grabs a red solo cup. Biting the cap of the marker off, and dropping it on the edge of the table, she keeps to herself as she starts to mindlessly doodle on her cup. She appreciates the thought her and Jay's parents had in throwing them a graduation party, but the two people she wanted here the most couldn't be here. Her mom was watching over her, she gets that, she's reminded of that every time her mother is brought up. But, her dad, he who shall not be named or talked about, sits behind bars, over ten miles away in a desolate cell. She holds the top of the cup with a firm grip as she tries to draw the semblance of a giraffe, focused on the length of his neck when Jay walks up, "Hey, what are you doing?" He drops a kiss to the top of her head, maneuvering under the graduation cap pinned to her hair, precisely held down by the bobbypins.
"Just doodling," she whispered, twisting the cup around to doodle on the other side.
"Why?" He frowns, absolutely confused because of all the things to do here, she does that, "are you bored? We can dance, or get on that moonbounce my parents splurged on," she rolls her eyes at that because she knows despite what he says, the only reason his parents rented a moonbounce for high school graduates is because Jay Halstead asked for it.
"It's not that I'm bored, I'm thirsty."
He's not following along, "What does drawing on your cup have to do with your thirst?"
She pauses her drawing and looks up at him, sighing as she blocks the talking, the music and the laughter around them out of her head, "my mom was pretty frugal growing up and tried to preserve what she could whenever she could," he pulls the folded chair out from the table and takes a seat next to her, "you already know the house was pretty heavy on rules at least in comparison to me living here. Anyway, these red cups," she holds hers up for him to see, "she'd buy and she'd want us to write our names on them so we could reuse it. Save money that way."
"Doesn't that defeat the purpose of using disposable cups though?"
"Yeah, I figured the same. Like might as well use a real glass if I have to hold on to it, but it's not how you're thinking. It was just for a day. Every time we got thirsty, we would use a new plastic cup and we'd go through them pretty fast and mom would get upset when she saw the amount in the recycle bin after a week so she came up with the idea of one plastic cup a day, write our names on it so we know who it belongs to and when we're done with it for the day, throw it in recycle. It apparently saved them a bunch of money on red solo cups of all things." Jay watches her start to add confetti dots around the cup, "this started when I was young and my dad kind of made a game out of it, we'd doodle and draw instead of writing our names and that's how we knew what cup belonged to which person. It was fun, it actually made me want to listen to the rule," she dry chuckles, "we'd just doodle whatever came to mind." She caps her marker and looks at the finished results, "I honestly don't have a reason to do it now because neither Platt nor Mouch care if I grab a new cup for every sip I take, and I don't do it every time but sometimes when I miss my parents really bad, I can't help myself but to do it whether I'm thirsty or not. It just makes me feel so much closer to both of them. Some of the cups I actually save, I couldn't bring myself to throw them out when the drawings I make on them actually look decent. I'd think to myself what would my mom or my dad think of this."
Jay has no idea how he didn't know about this tradition of hers, and he doesn't question it, instead he silently reaches for a red solo cup of his own, takes the marker from her hand and starts his own personal doodle. She remains sitting beside him, love filled eyes as she watches him. She knows they're young but she also knows that he's the one. She couldn't fathom a life without him in it, a world where he isn't in her life.
"I'm going to miss the hell out of you," she interrupts the silence with heartfelt words, touching on a topic they've been avoiding their whole senior year. She's already feeling down, a figurative gray cloud looming over her with the absence of her parents, and he knows this topic will only pull her further down.
"We're doing the long distance thing. I'm going to visit you as many weekends as I can and you'll be here during all your breaks from school. We won't even have the chance to miss each other," he says convincingly, and she wonders if he's trying to convince himself more than her.
"You make it sound so easy. I'm not going to school around the corner, Jay. I'm going to be in St. Louis, that's like four hours away."
"Well, you're worth the drive." He recaps the marker and turns his cup to present it to her.
He's far from being the next Picasso, his drawing is absolutely hideous, but that doesn't stop her from laying one of the most sloppiest kisses against his lips.
"I love it. And I love you."
"Not that I'm complaining," he says through his bruised lips, "but I didn't think my poor attempt at drawing a dog would get such a reaction."
She presses a finishing kiss against the corner of his mouth before drawing back, "You just make some of the littlest things feel like the biggest gestures."
"Anything for you…"
"Right back at ya."
Erin swallows and shifts in her seat. Rising with her empty cup in hand and brings it over to the punch bowl, filling it up to the rim and gulping down majority of its contents until her thirst is quenched.
"Wow," Jay chuckles, mimicking her moves by filling his own cup, "you weren't lying, you were thirsty."
Her response is simply to smile. The width of it stretching across her face and reaching up to crinkle her eyes. She doesn't look at him, instead her face is focused on the backyard graduation party. Friends and family of both she and Jay are here to celebrate their graduation. A lot of faces are unfamiliar, majority of them are here for Jay, but she does appreciate the few people that came to support her. Mouch's firehouse and Platt's district came in full force, fire trucks parked out front because the firefighters are still on shift and will have to leave if they get a call. Platt's dad is here, he insists on her calling him grandpa, and Erin doesn't necessarily mind considering that by the time she was born, her biological grandparents were already deceased. A distant cousin of Mouch's is here too but Erin thinks he's only here to crash on their couch and mooch food and money rather than to celebrate her.
And that's about it. It's a lot, more than she expected and a lot more than she hoped. As long as she doesn't compare her turn out to Jay's, she's able to remain in a happy space. Jay throws his arm around her shoulders, drawing her in to press a kiss against her forehead.
"If I asked really nicely, do you think your parents would let me spend the night?"
She quirks a brow, nearly laughing in his face. That rule of theirs has not changed or shifted especially after Mouch walked in on them making out with Jay's hand up her shirt a few weeks after her 18th birthday. That was the most embarrassing experience of her life with him telling Platt about it as a close second. Those privileges were lost that day, and reinforced and cemented when Platt discovered an opened box of condoms in her end table. That experience came in number three; it seems her top three embarrassing moments all correlate to one another.
"I don't think you should risk asking. Platt might actually follow through on her threat to shoot you."
"…maybe we can ask my parents?"
"And have your mom check in on us every hour? And on top of that have her tell us repeatedly that while she wants grandkids, she doesn't want them right now?"
"Parents can be so embarrassing."
"Who are you telling? I swear Platt and Mouch didn't want kids and claimed to have no parental bone in their bodies but they fell into this role so easily that I'm giving them the side eye. They can't fool me."
Both of their attention is pulled away from each other and towards their family. Children and adults barefoot jumping inside the moon bounce. Mouch is working the grill while chatting it up with Jay's dad about the recent draft picks. Platt is helping herself to a second -or third- mimosa while Jay's mom runs around like her hair is on fire, cleaning up after everyone, overly worried about over-crowding in the moonbounce, forcing water bottles into everyone's hands to avoid dehydration or heat stroke and covering the platter of food that's done to ensure no flies have a chance to land on it.
"Your mom is going to run out of fuel soon if she doesn't slow down and take a breather."
"I don't think she knows how to slow down. If she sits for too long, she gets anxious and worked up."
"I feel like Platt and your mom are polar opposites," Erin chuckles at the obvious differences between them.
They silently continue to watch Jay's mom move around the crowded backyard, only pausing to scold Will when he picks up their little cousin and intentionally drop him in the center of the moon bounce. Will is going to drive their mother crazy at this point but he has no intent of slowing down. He's a kid in an adult male body. A thorn in Jay's side on most days but what else are siblings for…
"Awwwww look at the two lovebirds, too good to join us mere peasants in the moonbounce," Will says as he makes his way over to them. He throws one arm over Jay's shoulder and his other arm over Erin's before poking his head in the center of theirs, "So how does it feel to be officially done with high school?! You guys are in the real world now."
"Will, don't be annoying," Jay shrugs his brother'a arm from around him.
"I'm your brother, I wouldn't be doing my job if I wasn't being annoying. And besides your opinion doesn't count, Erin, you don't think I'm annoying, do you?"
She tilts her head side and side and raises her hand to pinch the air, "…maybe just a little."
He drops his arm from her shoulder, "Well you're like a sister so your opinion doesn't count either. You're bias like Jay."
"…then why ask for her opinion if it doesn't count?"
"Shut up."
Erin laughs at the brothers bickering, unknowingly drawing attention to herself. Will shoots a glare in her direction and mockingly smiles, "And speaking of you being like a sister, Erin, when are you going to make an honest man out of my brother and marry him?"
"Alright," Jay clasps his brother's shoulder and pushes him forward, "we're done here, Will. Mom's over there looking like she ran out of things to do, please help yourself to go over there and annoy her now."
"Okay, will do, but since I didn't get you a graduation gift, consider me doing this as your present."
"Whatever."
Both of them watch Will as he ventures across the lawn to go chat with his mother. An awkward silence falling between the two of them now that he's gone. Only noise surrounding them is music, laughter and multiple conversations, all of which are blocked out as Will's words repeat in their heads. Jay takes it upon him to break the tension before it can build, "You've known us long enough to know that Will is an idiot."
"Yeah," Erin's voice falls flat, not expecting what he would say but expecting it not to be that, "he is, but I don't think what he said is what makes him an idiot."
"If I propose," he pauses, taking in the shift in expression on her face before amending his words," when I propose, it's not going to be because my stupid brother is pestering me about it."
"You do plan on proposing?"
"Hell yeah. It can only be one idiot in the family and we've already established that's Will. I'm not dumb enough to never put a ring on that finger and make you mine." Her eyes avert in his direction and he adds to that, "not that you're an object or property that can be owned, you're your own person, I respect that and I'd never take that away from you, it was just-"
"Jay, I know what you mean," she chuckles. She let him go for so long because she finds his nervous rambling to be cute, "and I feel the same way. I trust you. I know you'll propose when we're both ready."
"Will your answer be a yes?"
"Are you proposing to me right now?"
"No."
"…then how am I to tell you what my answer will be?"
"Seriously? It'd make proposing easier in the future if I'm guaranteed a yes."
"If I say yes now, how will that make you less nervous knowing that I can always change my mind later?"
"…because who knows when I'll propose? For all we know it can be sooner rather than later so can you please let me know, I'm not doing it right now or next month or this year, but if I did, would you say yes?"
She taps her chin in thought. The stretch of extended silence making him nervous and truly question what her answer will be. He can usually read her but for some reason his radar is a bit off. Maybe it's the heat? Or the sun? Maybe it's the shades she's wearing blocking her eyes? Or maybe the loud music and talking that's making it difficult for him to focus? Whatever it is, it needs to go away so he can get back to reading her.
"I have a question I need you to answer first."
"And the answer to this question will determine your answer to mine?"
"Yes sir."
"No one told me a pop quiz would be on the schedule. Alright I'm listening."
"If I killed someone and you found out, would you turn me in?"
Mimicking her earlier action, he taps his chin in thought before answering, "Nah, probably not," she seems surprised by his answer considering in just a few short weeks he's going to the police academy, "but I'd definitely use it against you every single chance I got. I'd be like, hey babe, can you make dinner tonight, I know it's my turn but I don't feel like it and the second you give me that scary look you're giving me right now, I'd follow it up with saying or do I need to make a phone call? Ooooo I'd really use it all those times you won't let me drive, I'd be like baby I'm driving today and the moment you consider saying no, I'd start to mirandize you. Oh or maybe-"
"Okay, okay, I get it," she chuckles.
That doesn't stop him from finishing, "Or if I propose, and you say no, I'd be forced to reopen that cold case."
"I guess it's good for me that I'll never have to find out because I don't plan on killing someone ever, and," she emphasizes, "I'd never imagine saying no to a proposal from you." That's her way of indirectly telling him that her answer would be yes, "but if you take too long to propose, I might beat you to it."
"Please don't," he begs exasperatedly, "I'd never hear the end of it from my dad and Will. I can hear the jokes now, they'd start calling me Mr. Voight."
"And what's wrong with that?" She crossed her arms in mock offense, "I think that has a nice ring to it on you. Jay Voight, the man in the relationship taking my last name. And here I thought my last name would die with me," she jokes, intertwining her arm with his before laughing at the look on his face, "I'm just kidding. Erin Halstead has such a better ring to it than Erin Voight."
"The list of reasons why I love you just gets longer every day," his lips press against her head and he whispers the words against her skin.
Both remain content in each other's arms, only deciding to take a break to go in the moonbounce. It takes them back to childhood, birthday parties and cookouts. The best of times truly and Jay is happy that he asked for this. He holds her hand as they jump and he shows off by doing a backflip. Soon enough Erin falls, and with everyone jumping, it makes it difficult for her to get back up, sending him into hysterics and causing him to lose his balance and fall right down next to her.
"It isn't so funny now, is it?" She remarks when he tries to get up for the third time only to fall again.
Erin stops fighting it and just comfortably sits, feeling her body bounce up and down as everyone jumps and flips around her. Jay doesn't give up, and he manages to get up after the fifth attempt. He offers his hand to help her up, and she gladly accepts.
"Babe, you want to see something cool?" He's giddy, like a little kid trying to impress a girl he likes. She nods, and takes a step back, smiling as she watches him do a forward flip this time. She admits she's impressed.
Will joins the party inside the moonbounce, and she takes a step back, leaning against the netting to watch the brothers live their best lives. It's moments like this where she wishes she had a sibling, but then she remembers the last few years and reminds herself that she wouldn't want anyone to live through what she just did. Erin inches towards the exit, it's growing hotter instead and since she isn't jumping anymore, she decides to leave to make room for those that are, "Hey Jay, I'm going to grab me something off the grill."
He does another backflip, "okay," he jumps up really high, "want me to come with you?"
"Nope, I'm a big girl. I'm just letting you know so you don't wonder where I went, have fun!"
Erin slips out of the moonbounce and steps back in her shoes. She strays from the sound of laughter, of joy and enters the house, deciding to get some air conditioned air to cool off before venturing to grab her a plate of food. She needs some peace and quiet, a moment to herself because since she walked across that stage, she hadn't had a moment alone. Erin slides the back door shut behind her and walks further into the Halstead home, helping herself to a seat on the couch. She leans back, and tilts her head further back to rest it against the cushion. She shuts her eyes and basks in the moment until it's interrupted by someone taking a seat next to her. She feels the couch shift, the cushion go in and hears them clear their throat, "I'm fine," Erin says before giving them a chance to ask how she's doing.
"If that were true, I'd be worried," Platt honestly admits, "what brought you inside?"
"Just thinking…"
"Am I going to have to basically pull teeth to get more detailed answers out of you? Thinking about what?"
"…my dad."
Platt assumed that but she still wanted to hear the answer come directly from Erin's mouth. She scoots closer and throws her arm around Erin's shoulders, pulling her in until Erin's head no longer rested on the couch but now on her shoulder.
"Did you want to visit him this weekend?"
"If I'm being honest," she pauses and swallows, "not really. I just hate seeing him like that. He just looks so sad and I can't even comfort him. They barely let me hug him. And it's always the hardest when I have to say goodbye. And to think Platt… I have to do this for as long as we're both alive. He's in there for life. And I can't help but to feel like an idiot if I'm being honest. I should have talked him into taking that plea deal."
"That's not on you, Erin. You were a kid that had to grow up overnight. Something of that magnitude is not and was never your responsibility. I don't want you blaming yourself and you know damn well your dad wouldn't want you to either. Whether you wanted him to take that plea deal or not, it wasn't your decision."
"I know that but I find it hard to believe that."
"The only responsibility you have right now is to be 18 years old, enjoy your summer and work hard as hell in college. That's it. That's all."
"Every time I think about St. Louis, and going to college, I think about what I'm leaving behind. Jay will be here in the academy. You and Mouch will be here. My dad will be here in prison. My life is here but I'm moving almost five hours away. What possessed me to even go to Missouri of all places for college when there are perfectly good universities in and around Chicago?"
"For starters, they offered you a full ride."
"…only out of sympathy, they felt bad that my dad killed my mom, or so they think," she downplays.
"Or, and just hear me out, they thought you had a compelling admission essay, and while your world was front and center on the news, you managed to keep your grades up, excel in your extracurricular activities and get your community service hours."
It's hard to believe that this time next year, Erin will be completing her freshman year of college. She knows Platt is right, she worked really hard for this. She intentionally chose to go into the journalism field just to investigate her dad's case and eventually bring attention to it if she finds suitable evidence to support his innocence. She's playing a long game, and while she wants immediate results, she has to be patient.
"Erin," her head turns away from Platt to face the direction of where her name was called. It's Jay.
"I hope I wasn't interrupting," he starts, and when both she and Platt shake their heads to confirm he didn't, he continues, "mom was looking for you, says she wants more pictures of the graduates. I swear I tried to convince her that the dozens of photos she took at the school were enough along with the dozens she took once the party started, but I swear she must think our appearances changed in the last two hours. She's going to keep pressing it so I figured why not get it out the way. She promised after this batch, no more.."
"Give me five minutes then I'll be out."
"Okay," he turns to leave then hesitates, "are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm good," he looks as if he doesn't fully believe her, "I promise." He doesn't push it. He nods and leaves her with Platt.
"The two of you are cute," Platt says once Jay disappears.
"Hearing you say the word cute sounds weird. Let's challenge ourselves to find a synonym."
"Oh shut up," Platt jokingly rolled her eyes, "don't you have a hundred more grad pictures to take, you better get a move on it girl and not use me as a stall tactic."
Erin looks affronted, "you're supposed to be on my side Trudy, aka mom, or am I fighting this battle solo?"
"I'm always on your side but the battle of Jay's mom getting more graduation pictures, I'm going to have to switch teams. She promised to send over copies of all the pictures so I have a horse in this race."
"You backstabber," Erin fakes offense. She pushes herself up to her feet knowing that her five minutes were dwindling down, and Jay's mom would be coming in here to get her next.
Platt remains unfazed, "make sure you smile and look at the camera sweetheart, I know exactly where I'm going to hang these pictures. Love you!"
"I love you too," Erin chuckles, shaking her head in disbelief as she ventures outside to get this out of the way. She never grabbed herself something off the grill but fortunately Mouch knows her just as well as Platt does and by the time Mrs. Halstead is satisfied with the quality and quantity of photos she's taken, Mouch hands her a covered plate, winking at her before going back to watch the grill. She carries her plate to the table, grabbing her cup already decorated with a plethora of doodles and helps herself to a full cup of freshly squeezed lemonade. She misses her dad, she misses her mom, but she knows both of them would want her to enjoy this moment and be present, and she makes it her mission to at least try. At least for right now, but tomorrow is a new day, a new start, the party will have been over and the reality of the world will once again encircle her and remind her of the darkness in life, the fact that there are a lot of downsides, most of which are outside of her control, yet that doesn't stop her from metaphorically digging her heels in the dirt and stubbornly staying focused to get answers.