There are only three weeks until Hideki leaves. Time has really gone by quickly. This is partly because our time together is so amazing, but it's also because we see each other a lot less now since he's so busy preparing for exams. We've continued sleeping with each other every night, and if we're not too tired, we usually fool around too. Neither of us has ever brought up having sex. I think he's avoiding it for the same reason I am. But hey, it works. It would be harder if he really wanted to, and I had to keep refusing.

Hideki is studying late tonight, something that is commonplace these days. He has his national admission test tomorrow, and after he finishes that he's going to have to start prepping for this admission test in Tokyo. When he's done studying, he usually texts me and then we meet in my dorm or his.

I'm taking the time to study too, as we have our own tests to worry about. Not quite as scary as anything Hideki or Daisuke are going through right now, but they aren't exactly easy either.

I'm in the library with Ai, Akari, and Carsten. It is the first time I have been with all three of them outside of lunch since the night Akari got hurt. I feel a little bad about that, but none of them have complained. Ai and Carsten understand how new relationships can be, and Akari knows that I only have so much time left.

As a study group, we work well together. We each excel at different subjects. This allows us to have sections where each of us leads the group.

I'm good at science, Carsten is good at English, Ai is good at Japanese, and Akari is good at history.

We've been studying dutifully for a few hours now and Ai is starting to get a little restless. She's looking around and fidgeting in her wheelchair.

She asks me, "So, how are things with Hideki?"

I smile while I continue studying without looking up, "They're really good."

"Then I guess you guys are going to try to make it work after graduation, huh?"

I drop my pen mid-stroke and frown. Akari valiantly tries to deflect the issue.

"H-hey, Ai, what did you say were the three main themes in Kokoro? I f-forgot to write it down. Can you help me?"

Ai looks at Akari and then back at me.

Akari's attempt might have made things even worse.

Then she frowns. "You're…not staying together, are you?"

I should have stayed better composed here, but it's getting harder the closer we get.

I sigh and say, "No, we aren't."

Carsten looks up from his book now and he says, "You're not even going to try?"

I shake my head. I feel tears coming but I need to hold them down. We're in public.

Ai scrunches up her face in confusion and says, "Why the hell not?"

"Um…we agreed from the beginning that it would be like this."

Ai's face transforms from one of confusion to one of anger, "You mean he's just…using you? How did he trick you into that?" She turns her wheelchair around in a flash and points it towards the exit. "Where the hell's this guy's room?"

I sigh, "I wanted to do it even though I knew he was going to leave. He told me all the details when I confessed. I agreed to the condition. He didn't do anything wrong."

Carsten says, "Okay…but it still doesn't explain why you aren't even going to try."

I look down as tears start to form in the corners of my eyes, "I'm sorry…I…I…can't talk about this anymore. I think I'm going to go. Akari can fill you in on everything."

I stand up and start getting my things together.

Carsten says, "We don't have to talk about it anymore if you don't want to."

"Thanks, but my mood is kind of ruined now. It's going to be hard to focus."

Ai frowns and says, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything."

I sigh, "It's okay. You all care about me, so I get it. But…this is already really hard. I care about all of you, but…I just...don't have it in me to explain myself to you right now." I look at Akari, "You can tell them everything you know, okay?" She nods before getting up to hug me. After we hug I say, "I'll see you all later."

—-

There's only one week left with Hideki. I'm really starting to feel the clock ticking by now. I'm in my room and attempting to study, but I keep thinking about the fact that by the time I know what grade I got on the test I'm studying for, Hideki will be gone.

I've slept in the same bed as him every night we've both been at Yamaku for the last three months. I think maybe I need to stop doing that. Maybe it will make it hurt less when he leaves if I stop sleeping with him every night.

I text him, "Hey, something came up with my mom and she needs my help with something, so I'll be staying down there tonight. That means I probably won't see you again today."

He replies, "Okay, is it something serious? Do you need help?"

Ugh, stop being so nice.

"No, it's not a huge deal. But she needs me."

He replies, "Okay, I understand. See you tomorrow!"

After settling that, I call my mom.

She answers, "Hey sweetie, how are you?"

I reply, "I'm good. I was just thinking I might come stay down there with you tonight. Kind of stressed about tests and it would be a good way to break my cabin fever from all this studying."

This should work well. It'll probably be obvious that I'm upset, but I can explain it as test anxiety or something.

She replies, "Okay, I can come get you now. Does that work?"

"Yep! See you soon."

—-

For the first couple of hours at my mom's, she doesn't really ask me anything. While we're sitting in the living room together, she asks,

"Sweetie, you seem rather gloomy today. Is something up? Is it really just tests?"

Dammit, why can she always tell? I didn't want to tell her. I kind of just wanted to say we broke up after the fact and never explain why. She's not going to like that I entered a relationship knowing when it will end. Or that we deceived her. But I can't hide it from her anymore. It's too much weight for me to bear. I normally tell her everything, and holding this back from her for the last two and a half months has been tough.

My voice starts to waver as soon as I start talking, "M-mom…in a week…Hideki and me…we're going to break up."

"You are? But I like him. And I know you do too. I know he'll be in Tokyo, but I thought you two might try to make it work."

"I do l-like him…so much. But…it was kind of something we agreed on…when we started."

My mom raises her eyebrows.

"...I guess I can see why you didn't tell me that. I'm sorry, sweetie. There's no way for you two to change your mind?"

"No. He's moving to the U.S for university. He's pursuing his dream. He's going to be one of the best pianists in the world…I'm not going to stop him."

My mom's face flickers with anger. "So, not only did you not tell me about this arrangement…you two liedto me and your sweet grandparents, when you told us he was going to Tokyo?"

"Um…sort of. He said…'I'll be taking the Tokyo entrance exam' and that's the truth. His dad is making him take it. He just…isn't going."

My mom sighs in frustration and then hugs me, "Well, we're going to talk about the fact that you lied later. But for now, let's forget about it. I think just from what I've seen of you two and how happy you've made each other during this time…it was worth it."

"I agree. I think. But…I can tell it's really going to hurt. I've…sort of put off thinking about it as much as I can. But it's only a week away now."

My mom breaks the hug, grabs her jacket, and says, "I'm going to take you back to campus right now."

"What? Why?"

"You need to spend time with him while you can. I'm sure you're both busy but find a way. Being down here isn't going to help you. At least if you're on campus you can run up and kiss him while he's on his way somewhere or stay the night in the same bed. I don't want you coming down here again until he leaves, is that clear?"

"I was kind of…letting up a little bit. Maybe it will hurt both of us less."

My mom scoffs, "Come on, we're getting in the car."

I cross my arms and defiantly say, "So, you're not even going to consider my point of view?"

"Nope. It's silly. Get your things."

"At least explain why it's silly."

"I will in the car. We're wasting precious time here."

As we head up the hill she says, "It's silly because it's already going to hurt a lot, sweetie. Spending a few less days together isn't really going to make a difference now. So, enjoy the good while you have it. If you don't get every moment you can with him...you'll regret it later."

"Yeah…okay. You're right. Thanks for…not being mad at me for not telling you the whole story this whole time. I know I usually tell you everything, but…"

"It's okay. I don't know what I would have said at the beginning…I might have been okay with it. I certainly would have had reservations. But like I said, I think it was worth it now. So, it doesn't matter." She looks at me and smiles, "I do hope…in the future, you'll trust me with this kind of thing."

My mom pulls up to the gates to drop me off.

As she ushers me out of the car she says, "I will be here when you need me sweetie. Go get all the moments you can with him, okay?"

"Okay…thanks mom."

I go to the boy's dorm and knock on his door.

He smiles and lets me in and then says, "Hey. I didn't think you could see me today?"

"I…made that up. I'm starting to have a really hard time with the fact that…you and I are almost…at the end. And I was pulling away because I didn't want to deal with it. But I told my mom everything and she told me I should come back and take advantage of our time, and she was right." I hug him tightly, "I know this is our last week. But I don't want to talk about that. That's what we've done so far, right? Tried our best to…pretend this is like any other relationship. I want us to just treat every night together as we have all the others. I…I don't think I can handle it right now if we dwell on this being…the end. So, I don't want to. I don't want to say goodbye either. I don't think I can take it. So, when that day comes, w-we'll just part like we would on any other morning."

He nods and runs his hands through my hair and his voice is strained, I think he's holding back tears. I know I am. "Okay. We can do that…if that's what you think is best."

I look up at him, "I think it is. So…this will have to be the last time we ever talk about this. From now on, we're just a regular couple enjoying our time together."

He nods and hugs me tightly and says, "Okay, I understand."

—-

I just woke up in Hideki's arms. This is the last time that will ever happen. The last week has been wonderful, and pretending each day was just any old day worked. But today is different. Because it's the last.

He kisses my neck and says, "Hey, you're up."

"Mm...yep. Kind of wish I wasn't though. You're holding me so nicely."

He gives me a little squeeze, "I like it too. But we…have to go and have our days, you know?"

I turn around to face him and give him a long kiss and say, "Yep. We sure do."

I get up and get dressed while he does the same. His room is entirely packed away except for his bedding, but I'm pretending like I don't see that. He'll be leaving in about 20 minutes, but I'm pretending I don't know that. I'm pretending like this won't be the last time I ever see him. I can't think about that. I think I'll really break down.

I say, "Okay well, I'm going to go." He comes over to me and hugs me tightly. I think he wants to say goodbye, but I can't. I won't. I look up at him and say, "See you tonight, okay? Like usual?"

I see his lip tremble for a moment, but then he says, "Yep. Like usual." We share our usual sort of quick morning kiss. I wave to him and leave his room. Once I'm outside my legs feel like lead. A big part of me wants to say goodbye to him. A big part of me wants to beg him to stay. A big part of me wants to run away with him. But I don't think any of those are a good idea.

I drag myself out of the boys' dorm and make it to my room. I look at the time. He's just about to be gone. Forever. Suddenly I feel very silly.

Why didn't I let him say goodbye to me? I thought it would make it harder. But now I really want that extra moment with him. That was so stupid of me. I sit down on my bed with my head in my hands. I'm never going to see him again…and we didn't say goodbye. Just as I am about to really let myself break, there is a knock on the door.

I open it to see that it's Hideki, and I feel elated. He looks downtrodden and on the verge of tears, so it probably doesn't mean he decided to throw his life away for me. I don't think he should, but I'd be lying if I didn't say there was a moment where I wished that was the case. But I don't care, I still get to see him a tiny bit more. I'll get to say goodbye. I throw my arms around him and pull him down for a kiss which he returns as he wraps his arms around me and closes the door behind him.

He pulls away and we smile at each other, both with tears in our eyes.

He says, "Hi. I just wanted to stop by to see you one last time. I…know you didn't want to say goodbye. I know we wanted to pretend when we left each other this morning it was any other morning. But…I couldn't do that. I had to say goodbye to you. You're too important to me. This…this was really special Kayoko. So much more special than I could have ever imagined. It's so hard to leave you. I….I…I… "

I know he wants to say he loves me. I've wondered whether he knew he was in love with me and just wasn't saying it because he knew it would end this way. I know that's what I'm doing. Now that I see him today…I know he feels the same. Especially because of how hard this is for both of us. We haven't had the courage to say it so far, and I don't think either of us has the courage to say it now.

Instead, he says, "I…I'm really going to miss you."

I put my hand on his cheek and stare into his eyes. "I'll miss you too. Stay in touch, okay? I know we won't be together anymore after you leave this room..." A few tears fall down my face. "But I would like to hear from you. I know you're going to do really, really great over there."

He nods, "Yeah, you keep in touch too. I'll be excited to see what you do."

He hugs me really tight, and we kiss one last time. He walks towards my door. It's like he's walking through molasses. I can tell he's really struggling to do it. But he does. He opens it and turns to me one last time and says,

"G-goodbye Kayoko." I can see that he's trying hard not to break. So am I.

"G-goodbye, Hideki. Th-thank you…f-for everything…."

He nods and smiles at me one last time and closes the door. I hold myself together until several seconds after I hear the stairwell door close. I don't want him to hear me. It might keep him from going. And he has to go. I want him to have his dream. But, as soon as enough time has passed, I lean into the door and start sobbing. I almost fall to my knees but realize that would be a really bad idea for me and keep myself upright. We're going over to my mom's soon for a day that was planned for this occasion, and I know that will help. But I just need to get in my bed right now. I need to cry. Hard. After a few minutes, I hear a distinct knock on the door.

"C-c-come in, A-akari."

She sees me laying on the bed crying like she's never seen me cry before. And like that time with Hiroshi, she gets in bed with me and puts her arms around me and hugs me. It makes me feel a little better.

"I'm s-so sorry, Kayoko. I bet this is really hard."

I start sobbing but do my best to speak through it with my lips and voice trembling, "I th-think if he hadn't l-left…I m-might have married him s-some day. H-he was so wonderful. E-everything I ever wanted in a man. E-exactly the person I a-always imagined b-being with. I kn-knew he was leaving, and t-tried not to fall so in love with him…b-but I did. This is s-so hard. I'm pr-probably never going to s-see him again…and I love him s-so much…It h-hurts s-so much…I w-want to be with him so b-bad…"

Akari knows there isn't really anything she can say, and I appreciate that she doesn't try. She knows I'm just venting and telling her my feelings, and that I don't need her to respond. So, she just keeps holding me. She's crying too. Almost as hard as I am.

—-

I wake up in bed with Hideki next to me. It always feels so good to wake up with him.

Wait…this person's too small.

I roll over and see a sleeping Akari, whose face is moist. Mine is too. This is the second time she's done this for me. She's such a good friend.

Hideki left today. I might never see him again. I love him even more than I thought I did. I'm still devastated, but I guess I cried out the most intense emotions, at least for now. Now I'm mostly just thinking of how great it was that we had each other when we did. What we had was wonderful. And I'll always remember that. He'll always be my first boyfriend, and I'm happy that when I think about that, he's who I will remember. I had lots of wonderful firsts with him.

Akari starts to stir now that I've rolled over and moved her arms. I look at my phone and I have six missed calls from my mom. Woops. She was supposed to pick us up an hour ago for our girls' night.

I quickly call her back, and she picks up quickly.

"Hey sweetie. How are you feeling?"

"Crappy. But also okay, I guess? Did some serious crying and fell asleep. That's why I missed your calls. Sorry."

"That's kind of what I figured. Although I thought there was some small chance you decided to run away with him."

I laugh wryly, "The thought…did cross my mind, trust me. But nope. Still at Yamaku."

"Do you three still want to come down here?"

"Yep. Can you get us in about an hour?"

"Yes, see you then. I love you."

"Love you too, mom."

By now Akari has woken up, and she looks really concerned for me. More concerned than I think I've ever seen her. She gently puts her hand on my shoulder and asks, "A-are you doing okay?"

"Yeah. I'm okay for right now. I know there will be more tears to come…but it will pass…eventually. I just gotta…mourn for a bit, you know? I know that sounds sill-"

"I-it doesn't sound silly! It is…mourning. He w-was a b-big part of your life…n-now he won't be. I'm so sorry." She hugs me tight, "I'll help you, okay? H-however I can. However you need me to. Just…just ask me and I'll d-do it, okay?"

I hug her back. "Thank you. I know you will. Shall we get ready to go to my mom's?"

—-

Me and Akari are in the parking lot waiting for mom, Ai, and Carsten.

This will be nice not only because I'm an emotional wreck, but also because everyone is going out of town in a couple of days for the Spring holidays. Akari is going home, and Ai and Carsten will be spending one week each with each of their families. They must be really serious, and I think that's nice.

When Ai and Carsten arrive, they both look at me with a lot of compassion. So much that it might be bordering on pity, but maybe that's what I need right now because I appreciate it. They give me a three-person hug when they see me.

Ai asks, "How are you feeling?"

I reply, "Kind of alright, I guess. I already miss him terribly. And I may have already bawled my eyes out once today…I'm sure there are many more crying sessions to come."

She nods, "Well, we'll do our best to take your mind off of stuff today."

I smile at her, "Thanks."

Not long after my mom pulls up and she gets out of the car with a similar look of concern on her face and hugs me. Then, we get in the car and head down the hill.

—-

Most of our past ladies' nights have involved at least one of us talking about our boy problems. But today is different. They all know talking about it isn't really going to help me. Instead, we were mostly silly.

My mom made my favorite meal for dinner, we ate a lot of junk food after, watched a silly movie, and talked about all kinds of nonsense. It did a good job of keeping me from dwelling entirely on what I lost today.

When we get into bed for the night, I feel very thankful for the three tiny women who are trying so hard to help me, including the two that are in bed with me right now.

I say, "Thank you both…so much. I know…I probably haven't been as good of a friend to you two as I should have been these last three months. So, it means a lot to me that you're both here to help me now."

Ai scoffs, "You haven't been bad to us. You've just been busy. You were with a guy who was going to leave so you wanted to spend as much time with him as you could. It's fine."

Akari adds, "Yeah, d-don't worry about it."

"Still. Next time I'm in a relationship…I'm going to try not to do that. I think it was just the fact he was leaving that made it like this…in the future I need to make time for you two and Carsten."

Akari says, "Okay, that's probably a good thing to do. B-but I think at some point this year each of us got swept up in a b-boy and didn't do a great job of being friends during that time…so, don't feel too bad about it."

Ai says, "What? Me? Swept up in a relationship? Surely you are mistaken." Then she groans, probably a little embarrassed about how she and Carsten were for a while there.

I laugh, "Yeah, okay, I guess that's something we all learned this year. Don't get so swept up in boys."

I stretch my arms out so that I have a hand on each of them. "I'm really glad I am sleeping with you two tonight." Ai giggles at my choice of words and it makes me giggle too. "Seriously though, I am. I…have been with Hideki so many nights. I'm not sure I can sleep alone right now without really getting upset."

Akari gets a little closer to me and wraps her arm around mine. I smile at her.

"So…thanks for sleeping with me you two." Ai giggles again. "See you both in the morning."

—-

I wake up the next morning with a text from Hideki. Just seeing his name in my notifications is enough to make my heart skip a beat. A tiny part of me hopes he decided to stay.

It says, "Hey. I just got to New York and wanted to let you know. I hope you're having a nice day."

This instantly causes me to start bawling loudly enough to wake up my two bed mates. My mom, who must have been in the living room, also hears me and comes into the room.

Akari is the first to put her arms around me, which she does on my left side. Ai does her best to hug me on my right, and my mom gets into the bed and hugs me from the front. It's nice that they are all here trying to comfort me. But it only has a small effect, and I keep crying. Akari starts crying too.

My mom strokes my hair and says, "You love him, don't you?"

I nod.

She and Ai both hug me tighter. Neither of them knew for sure that I love him, I guess.

My mom strokes my hair and says, "I'm so sorry, sweetie. That's really hard."

I calm down a little after telling them this. I guess it is nice for more people to know about that.

My mom lets go of me and sits down on the end of the bed, "What were you thinking about this morning that got you this upset?"

I hand her my phone. She reads the text and shows it to Ai and Akari.

My mom frowns, "I think you'll have to stop texting him for a little while at least, sweetie. Otherwise, you're just going to keep longing for him. I mean, you probably will anyway…but it's really going to be worse if you have him texting you about his life over there."

I start crying again, "B-but I want to talk to him. I want to know about his life. I have to know. I d-don't want him to be gone entirely. At least this way I have him in my life s-somehow."

Ai says, "I know you want that, and I understand why. But if that text upset you this much…I think your mom's probably right."

Akari nods, "It d-doesn't have to be forever. But what you're feeling right now is s-still raw. Maybe just try for a week at first and see how it goes?"

They're probably right. This is probably what's best in the long run. But it's so hard to say that I won't talk to him anymore. I feel like my heart is breaking all over again.

I stop crying and crumple back into the bed, defeated and emotionally exhausted.

"Yeah, okay. You're right. All of you. I just don't want to admit it. Um…I'm probably going to need someone to keep me accountable here. Check my phone every day, or something…I don't think I'll be able to do it on my own. I want to talk to him too badly."

Akari sits up and wipes her tears and says, "I'll do it."

"Aren't you going home for the Spring holidays? Like…the day after tomorrow?"

"Um…N-no. I decided not to."

I look at her for a moment and then say, "It's because I'm a complete wreck right now, isn't it?"

She laughs softly and says, "I w-want to help you."

My mom says, "That's nice of you Akari, but I'll be here. You don't have to give up your time at home."

"I know I don't have to. But I w-want to."

I hug Akari, "Well..thank you. I'd do the same for you, so I guess it's okay."

Ai says, "Damn, way to make me look bad."

We all laugh, "I'll have my mom and Akari. I'll be okay. Besides, your trip is an important one. It isn't like you're just going home. You and Carsten are taking a big step."

Ai sighs and says, "Yeah, okay…But if you need me Kayoko, you can call."

"I will." I hand my phone to Akari. "Can you two…text him and tell him I don't w-want to talk to him for a while? I…know I can't do it."

They both nod and seem to take their job seriously as they discuss the best way to word it. I largely tune them out because even the discussion about the text is upsetting me. Eventually they send the text and they give me back my phone.

"Thanks…all of you." I sigh. "This is hard. And I think it will continue to be…but knowing you all are here to help…it makes it a little easier."