A/N: I decided to post a revised version of this story. It's gonna be slow, because the urge to write hits at the most inappropriate times, but I hope to keep going. For some reason I'm invested in the whole Meredith-after-Derek scenario, I'm interested in exploring how an 'average' love looks like, after you have already had an epic one. So it's basically a Merthan story, where MerDer peek out. This is the goal, at least :)

It takes place after 13x04 with some changes here and there and a whole different finale.

What Do You Want, Meredith?

Do we learn from our past? Do we really grow up?

If there was one thing Meredith Grey thought she had learn over the years, was that change was inevitable. With every patient, with every big or small life challenge, every second of every day we are spun forward. We evolve, we constantly learn from our experience. But apparently never enough to keep fears at bay for the good.

Meredith let herself collapse on her bed after a rough day in which, among other things, she happened to question her medical judgment because of Riggs. Not to mention the fact that she kept avoiding talking straight with Maggie about how her sister kept barking at the wrong tree.

She had wanted to clear things up with Nathan after the way he had left the room where they were discussing about a patient now paralyzed after the surgery. They had worked together on a case for the first time since their hook up that day, and for some reason she had felt awkwardly unprofessional about it. There had been no flirting or silly jokes between them for once, Owen was involved on the case too, and she had been focused as usual. She had also felt strangely aware of the fact that they were working together, though. She had noticed his proximity, while waiting for the CT scans, while discussing with Owen the best way to proceed. Nathan hadn't been trying to impress her or anything, but he was there and she had found herself wondering what was he thinking.

It had been a faint, sneaking feeling, a thought which had been lingering on the backside of her head, but it had become hammering after the surgery's outcome. She had been taken aback from the paralysis of their patient, not at all expecting those turn of events and she had felt the urge to question him. He had sided with her, they had decided to postpone the surgery and Polly would never be able to move from her waist down again.

Why had he sided with her? Because she was right, this was the sane answer. Because he was distracted by… her, by the fact they were working together. She knew this insinuation was stupid and offensive, situations like this happened all the time in their job, unexpected circumstances could occur at any moment, and she should have avoided asking him if he was sure they had made the right call. She couldn't really blame him for the terrible reaction she had got in return.

Meredith knew well that he was upset and disappointed, when she had gone looking for him. She had found him with a gloomy, grumpy face sitting on the hospital's stairs, and still she had approached him, wanting to give him a sort of apology and clarification. It was not the most private of all the places, clearly, but it was needed.

The very moment the point of the discussion was reached, Maggie had showed up and caught them, she had completely misunderstood the situation and everything had been extremely awkward. Meredith was now experiencing a feeling of dirtiness and duplicity, but mostly of unease, a pounding, dull feeling which confused her, as she had no idea what it meant. Why must everything always be so complicated? Why can't she get simple for once? This was proving she shouldn't looking for anyone to be anything near in her life or everything would get awkward. Look how it went with Thorpe…

She still cannot believe she had put herself in this position with Nathan Riggs of all people and Maggie too. Too much water had passed under the bridge to let her think she could hang out with a guy, a guy that was all over her sister's speeches. She had learned about love, she assumed. She had learned to decipher herself, to know what she needed. And life got her used to talk straight, no more running issues, walk high headed. But apparently, no matter how many things we went through, we are never really prepared to handle change. Despite our story, despite the steps we have made, the unpredictable eventually hits us, feelings will always kick our asses and make us look like brand news.

Want do you want? – she remembered he asked to her not so long ago.

That was exactly the heart of the matter. How was she supposed to know? Did she want him, Riggs? Was she falling, as he pointed out causing her to smirk that night at Owen and Amelia's place?

He was being around a lot lately, in his good-looking and caring way, and it was becoming hard not to notice his kind of hovering felt good actually. Not that it was always pleasant to be stuck with him: she could also feel the urge to run away, to avoid him or abrupt the conversation. But eventually she would come back, a smile would escape her lips despite all efforts to shut it down. She was pretending to find him annoying mostly. He wasn't always as irritating and pushy as she seemed adamant to make believe. Sometimes she couldn't help but feel completely at ease and fully comfortable at his presence. And no, it had nothing to do with the flirting or the sex.

They hooked up and had sex once – well, four times or whatever – and occasionally she could hardly manage the impulse to kiss him – like the night Alex got himself in trouble and Nathan knocked at the door demanding to know what the problem was. But there was more, a layer of understanding that kept her by surprise. It was not an itch, something to scratch to feel fulfilled once removed. She didn't want him to look after her, to become attached and to care about her, and still they were becoming close. She joked about it, pushed him away, gaining time to think. There was nothing to think about, though. Whatever this odd empathy was, it wasn't meant to happen. She shouldn't indulge further.

He was the kind of person who never let anything drop. The night of the wedding he showed up at her place like he deserved to know everything that was going on through her mind. She had felt hunted for a little moment, pursued, forced to find words to explain herself to him, while she was having bigger matters to handle in that particular moment, like Alex spending his first night in jail to name one. But she couldn't deny she had to make an effort to push him away.

Now he was there, all the time, telling her things, and she was always trying to negate everything. Negate that the little moments they shared were good. Negate every chance of dating or spend more time together as strictly necessary. Advocate her sister as an excuse for letting him down. However, near to the quips and games, she was experiencing a state of perfect unknowing, her actions far from come along with her intentions.

She had just admitted with Nathan she thought about him. He invaded her mind way more than she would have liked to, distracting her, making her spend her time in silly jokes and conversations about coming clean with Maggie and private stuff. She had just asked him to just be colleagues, nothing more. This should have given her a rest, a sense of relief, of self-control, but it didn't. In her huge bed, she only felt trapped in memories instead, in images of the past that kept entwining with the present.

She had chosen to confide him her miracle dream. The dream that had disturbed her sleep for many nights, that every now and then her brain still decided to remind her as a warn that she was not over Derek, her one true love. There was a deep part of her that hadn't let him go yet, she wasn't even sure one could in fact let entirely go, be whole again. Happy yes, but not restored. She had suddenly decided to trust Nathan and to share that memory with him, who happened to tell her his personal miracle scenario. Except his vision could actually turn into a real miracle, hers, on the contrary, was meant to remain a pure illusion, no matter what. Derek was dead, she was the one who told him it was okay to go. No surprise she reacted to the story of the miracle lady in the ER with the blurt: she's gorked! At her eyes that kind of stories do not happen, she knew well that other stories, those who begin with It was a dark and stormy night, were more likely to come true. But Nathan, he was different. He was kind of hopeful, an optimist.

She's fully ungorked. Anything can happen, Dr. Grey – she recalled.

He knew disasters were real, people could die or disappear in one instant leaving nothing but pieces to glue up together, bits and bobs we like to hang on to. Still, he was able to maintain a blur vision, a gray state of mind, he could hang on to hope without really believing, stay tough and look forward not forgetting the past. He was the one who told her that happiness doesn't last and yet, he was the same person who seemed to never want to give up on her, as if he was sure they could make each other happy.

She had the hint he could empathize, he could understand her world, her being two or more people at the same time: the Meredith who wanted to hate him and the one who was telling him to say no to Maggie when she would ask him out. She was not joking, she was a mess. She was absolutely aware of the fact that she was playing incoherent and what was worse, she wasn't going to tell her sister anything about it.

Maggie was so naïve and sometimes she just would have liked to put her the hands over her shoulders and tell her: Stop talking. Stop talking about Riggs. I slept with him little before finding out that he's your platonic crush. And I am so deeply sorry for that because I didn't see it coming, but you have to get over him.

But she chose the silence for now. It was mean and selfish but she couldn't help but avoid this conversation. Her sister had a concept of boundaries that was not Meredith's. She recalled the way Maggie blamed her for not telling her the truth about Alex having beaten De Luca.

You were just gonna lie to everyone?

She was loyal and caring and affectionate but also cut to see the world in black and white. She wouldn't have accepted the ambiguity Meredith was in, the deep dark and twistiness. She missed Cristina badly at that thought and felt immediately guilty about it. She missed the people she once had, the ones who got her, who knew she wasn't the kind of woman that lived in a world cut with the knife: right or wrong, good or bad, happy or sad. Life taught her all these things were likely to come along altogether most of the time. She wasn't ready to tell to to anyone about this messy situation.

Meredith was absolutely sure Maggie will eventually meet the love of her life, but she was also absolutely sure it was not Nathan. There was no universe they could work. He was hot, no doubt she was attracted by him, but Nathan was Nathan, and Maggie was Maggie. And so, exactly as she knew Izzie wasn't Alex's one true love, so she could tell Riggs wasn't Maggie's.

As for confessing it to her sister that was out of the matter, because the moment she would say it to Maggie, then she actually should have to admit to herself that Nathan was real, that she might be into him for real. And she was not in the position of let that happen, or…

A cry came from the room in front of hers and cut off her thought. She suddenly stood up and walked through the darkness approaching a tiny bed.

"Oh, everything's okay. I'm right here. Shh, come here. Let's get some sleep in mama's bed."
With those words, she took her youngest daughter in her arms, she cuddled her and snuggled her tight, bringing her into the still lighted room, where finally was dark too and sleepy noises were to hear.