we all want love/we all want honor
Part 1: nobody wants to pay the asking price
"Fall on my knees, fall on my pride."
- FFH, "Undone"
Toph Beifong ran away from home when she was six years old.
She was sick and tired of being constantly pitied. She was blind, not deaf, and that didn't make her fragile or useless. She'd go find somewhere else, someone who didn't look down on her.
Somehow, she ended up crawling around in a series of underground tunnels and found a pair of badgermoles. She recalled the legends one of her old nannies had told her.
"Badgermoles are blind, and yet they're the greatest earthbenders in the world."
Toph was an earthbender, but she didn't really understand what that meant. So she could move rocks around. It didn't make anyone treat her any differently than they always had, and her parents had told her she was too young for a teacher.
I wonder if these badgermoles can teach me anything…
Toph spent nearly two months living with the badgermoles. These guys were awesome. They didn't care that she was so much smaller than them, they expected her to be able to handle herself as well as they did. At first, she didn't understand how they could be so aware of their surroundings if they were really blind, but eventually she understood. They were seeing using earthbending. It was a novel concept, but once she got the idea, she started figuring out how she could use it herself.
However much she loved this place, she knew she couldn't stay underground forever. She was stronger now, and she knew it. She'd show them she was more than just a helpless little blind girl.
So she went home, but she never got the chance to tell her parents what she'd learnt.
Her parents were frantic when she came home, smothering her in hugs and kisses and don't you ever do that again, we were so worried. Toph had smiled- as annoying as they might be, she'd never doubted that they did love her.
But that night, as she snuck down to the kitchens, she overheard them talking.
"We can't hide her forever, Poppy. We couldn't even keep her safe in our own home, what makes you think we'll be able to protect her when the Fire Nation are matching through the town square?"
"So we should just hand her over on a silver platter?"
"This alliance is important. I'm the liegelord of Gaoling. My duty, first and foremost, is to my people."
"So you'll give up your only daughter as a hostage to those monsters?"
"Those monsters, as you call them, are either going to be our allies or our overlords. This is what we need to do to keep her- and the rest of us- safe."
"Safe? You think she'll be safe there?"
"I've heard rumors of the Fire Lord's daughter-in-law. If her son is anything like her, Toph will be fine."
"And there's really no other option?"
"If there was, I wouldn't even consider this."
Toph didn't fully understand everything they were saying, but she got at least some of it. Her parents were sending her away? Her father seemed to think it would keep her safe, but her mom clearly believed it would be dangerous.
Toph considered this.
On the one hand, she didn't have to go. She could always just run away again, this time for good. But the truth of the matter was that she didn't know much about the real world. Sure, she was strong enough to protect herself, but there had to be more than just survival, didn't there? If she went away like her father wanted, she'd meet new people, and, maybe, find some human friends?
Besides, any place had to be better than here.
She pretended to be surprised when, two weeks later, her parents told her they were going on a trip.
Zuko may have been a prince, but he was pretty far down in succession. He'd only become Fire Lord if Uncle Iroh, Cousin Lu Ten and Dad all died before Lu Ten had children.
A spare prince.
Practically useless.
So when, at eight years old, his mother told him that the Fire Lord had a special job just for him, he didn't believe it.
"What kind of job?" Zuko asked sceptically. This was Mom, not Azula. Would she really lie to him?
"A girl from the Earth Kingdom is coming to live here, and we were hoping you'd be willing to show her around, and maybe be her friend?"
Zuko considered this.
On the one hand, a girl? He knew girls. Knew Azula and her two little minions friends. Girls were crazy. But the truth of the matter was that he was lonely. In a few months, Uncle and Lu Ten would be leaving for Ba Sing Se, and he didn't have any other real friends. It might be nice to meet someone new.
Besides, anyone had to be better than Azula.
"I'll try."
There were a couple of things about this whole situation that he didn't really understand. He decided to ask Azula- she might be a liar, but she seemed to understand things around the palace a lot better than he did.
"Azula, did you hear about the Earth Kingdom girl who's coming?"
"The dirt girl?" Azula looked at him like he was stupid. "Obviously. Why do you ask?"
"Aren't we enemies with the Earth Kingdom? I thought that was why Uncle's going away," Zuko said, confused. "Also, why does Grandfather want me to show her around? She's a girl, and she's your age; wouldn't it make more sense for you to befriend her?"
"Befriend her?" His sister started laughing. "Is that what Mom told you? No wonder they picked you, it's a perfect match."
"What are you talking about, Azula?" Zuko was more confused than ever. So Mom had lied to him?
"We're not at war with the entire Earth Kingdom, dumb-dumb. Some of those peasants are actually smart enough to realize that they can't resist the might of the Fire Nation, and are more open to forming alliances with us. Or, as you put it, making friends."
"Okay…" Zuko could understand that much. It was kind of like when he agreed to play with Azula and her friends so she didn't push him into the fountain. "But what does that have to do with me and this girl?"
"Traditionally, alliances are sealed with a betrothal between members of each of the two parties."
"What?" Honestly, sometimes it seemed like his sister spoke a whole different language.
"Marriage, dumb-dumb. Or at least an engagement," Azula explained.
"Wait, so you mean…"
"They're not sending the girl to be your friend," the princess said, rolling her eyes. "Grandfather intends on making her your future wife. A spare prince ought to be useful for something, after all."
"Wait, wife?!" Zuko might have wanted a friend, but he certainly wasn't interested in getting married. Ew.
The Fire Nation was strange. The ground was hot, but not from the sun- it felt like there was a fire deep beneath the surface.
Weird.
The Beifongs were welcomed to the palace as honored guests, and Toph started to get a feel for the place. Stuffy nobles were stuffy nobles, whatever the country.
She wasn't allowed to meet the prince, not yet.
Apparently they were supposed to be getting married? But not for another ten years or something. She wasn't sure what being married really meant, though her mom told her it was kind of like promising to be best friends forever. Toph could feel her heartbeat- she wasn't lying, exactly, but she certainly wasn't telling the whole truth.
Anyway, she wasn't even allowed to meet this guy she was going to marry until the formal betrothal ceremony, which would take place on her seventh birthday. Not for a few more months.
The prince (Zuko, they told her) wasn't even in the palace- he, his parents, and his sister were off at some place called 'Ember Island' until the ceremony. The Fire Nation was apparently really strict about making sure they didn't meet, even by accident.
Whatever.
In the meantime, she had plenty of time to explore the place she'd been informed was going to be her new home.
Zuko had never actually seen a betrothal. He wasn't even nine yet, and custom dictated that people who had not yet been married (or, at least, weren't yet engaged) could not be privy to the secrets of the ceremony.
Which meant Azula wasn't allowed to come. ("Whatever, like I'm interested in seeing you tie the knot with some dirt girl.")
It also meant that Zuko wasn't really sure exactly what to expect. ("The Fire Sages will tell you what to do, don't worry," Mom had said. He was still mad at her for not telling him the truth about this whole engagement thing.)
The whole thing was much simpler than he'd expected.
He and the Beifong girl (Lady Toph, they told him), knelt on a stone platform beneath a canopy of red silk as the Elder Fire Sage mumbled a lot of mumbo-jumbo about spirits and unity and stuff. He kind of zoned out a little for that part.
Then, the old man turned to Lady Toph's parents.
"What do the Beifongs bring to seal this troth?" Lord and Lady Beifong presented his parents with a chest of jewels, precious stones, and carved weapons.
"And what does Prince Ozai's household bring?" Mom and Dad gave the Beifongs a similar chest, but this one was filled with ornaments of gold and silver.
"Do either the young prince or lady have a personal gift?" He and Lady Toph both nodded.
She went first, pulling a large package he hadn't noticed from underneath the thick, full-body veil she wore. He wondered if she could see through that.
"I present these broadswords to my intended, as a sign of my faith in his ability to defend and protect what he has been entrusted with." The words fell from her mouth as though they'd been rehearsed many times, but he couldn't tell how she felt about them.
He unwrapped the gift, revealing a large scabbard containing dual blades. He looked closely at the glittering hilts, and realized they'd been embedded with red jade.
Cool!
And then it was his turn. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the much smaller package he'd prepared ahead of time.
("Are you sure about this, Zuko? You could give her anything- gold or jewels would probably be better."
"But we're already giving them all that stuff. This is from something that came from far away, and yet somehow found a home here. Lady Toph also comes from far away, but she's making this place her home. I thought it seemed fair.")
The girl opened her package. He knew what it contained, of course, but he still watched carefully as she revealed a simple, dull-colored bracelet. The only ornamentation was the small gold imperial flame etched on its surface.
Does she know what it is? Will she understand?
"I present this bracelet to my intended," he said, recalling the lines his mother had drilled into him, "It bears the mark of the imperial flame, as a sign of her acceptance into the royal family."
(He could still remember the night the stars fell. A single meteorite had landed on the beach, and when they cut it open, there'd been metal inside.
He'd thought it was the coolest thing ever. Azula had said it was just boring old iron, but in his head, Zuko called it space metal.)
The rest of the ceremony went by quickly. The Sage had used a red cord to tie Zuko's right hand to Lady Toph's left, and they each took a sip of wine from a cup that appeared to be made of bone.
Yick.
After that, it was basically over. The cord was untied and given to Lady Toph. (The bride was responsible for its safekeeping- it was considered good luck to be bound in marriage with the same string used for the betrothal.)
Before Zuko had a chance to talk to her (or even see what she looked like under the veil), his intended was whisked off to her chambers.
"Alright, it's past your bedtime too, young man," Mom said, and shuffled him off to his rooms.
It wasn't until a few days later that Zuko actually had his first real conversation with the girl he was supposed to marry. They were both down at the port, Lady Toph to send off her parents, and Zuko to say goodbye to Uncle and the rest of the fleet leaving for the siege. While the adults were otherwise occupied, the two children sat on the dock, dangling their feet off the edge, and struck up a conversation.
"So, are you a firebender?" The petite girl didn't actually look at him while talking. Zuko was pretty sure that was rude.
"Yes, Lady Toph," he replied. "Didn't anyone tell you?" That was… kind of strange.
"No one would tell me anything about you," Lady Toph grumbled. "It was like pulling teeth to even get your age out of anyone."
"Weird." Zuko wasn't sure what to make of that, but now that he thought about it, no one had really told him anything about her, either. "Are you?"
His intended snorted.
"No, of course I'm not a firebender," she said. She still wasn't looking at him.
"That isn't what I… ugh…" Zuko groaned. "I meant, are you an earthbender?"
"Yup," the younger girl said. "That isn't going to be a problem, is it?"
"I don't see why it would…" Zuko trailed off. Alright, the not looking at him thing was getting really annoying. "You know, normally people look at whoever they're talking to."
Lady Toph froze.
"Wait, you don't know?" She spoke slowly, carefully measuring out each word.
"Know what?"
"I can't see." The earthbender turned to face him, and he saw that her eyes appeared to be… clouded over.
"You mean, you're-" Zuko wasn't even sure what the word for not-seeing was.
"Blind? Yeah." Her voice turned hard. She reached out and gripped his shoulder. "I may not be able to see, but I'm not weak. Understood?"
"Yes, ma'am," Zuko managed to sputter out. He'd been right all along.
Girls were crazy.
Toph didn't actually get to meet the boy she'd been engaged to very often. Her days were filled with a strict training regiment. As a future princess of the Fire Nation- however far down the line- it was apparently imperative that she learn all the intricacies of Fire Nation politics. And since she couldn't actually read, her tutors settled for repeating everything over and over again until she had it memorized.
(When she was princess, she decided, she was going to find someone to invent some way to record things blind people could understand.)
And when she wasn't busy learning, he was.
Once a week, they met up for tea. It was all very stiff and formal, with chaperones and propriety and all sorts of other nonsense. Toph hated it.
She didn't hate Zuko, though.
The boy was awkward, and didn't know how to talk to other people at all. He refused to stop calling her "Lady Toph," no matter how often she asked. And he didn't seem to like her very much.
But despite all that, Zuko was one of the few people around here who seemed actually… nice. He liked to feed turtleducks and show off the efforts of his sword-training. (She could tell from his footsteps that, while he was a little clumsy and didn't know to balance his weight properly, his aim was true and he was really making progress.)
And he didn't look down on her. He treated her like an equal, not someone to be pitied or protected.
He also, when she complained about the whole not being able to read thing, realized that meant she'd never read any stories, and seemed rather horrified by this. After that, he took to bringing along novels and epic poetry to their meetings.
She still didn't totally understand this marriage business, but if it meant she got to spend the rest of her life listening to Zuko recite legends of dragons and spirits, it couldn't be too bad.
Zuko's sister, on the other hand, was a nasty piece of work. She was rude, and proud, and she lied a lot. Toph knew liars, knew how to sense their heart rates and tell when they were being dishonest, but Azula was apparently a really good liar. Toph could never get a read on her.
Azula was also pretty dismissive of her, always calling her "Dirt Girl." And yet, Toph noticed that that was just the way the princess treated everyone. It had nothing to do with her blindness, or even her nationality. Azula looked down on everyone equally.
(Toph didn't hate Azula, either.)
(She definitely hated their dad, though.)
When she wasn't being tutored or having tea with Zuko or engaging in verbal sparring with the princess, Toph liked to sneak off and practice her bending.
She was also trying to figure out the whole underground heat source thing.
One day, one of her instructors started talking about how the Fire Nation was built on volcanic islands, and everything started to make sense.
So it's lava… I wonder if I could bend it. Lava, after all, was just some really hot rocks.
She kept practicing.
Toph had been living in the palace for about two years when it happened.
Ursa hated this. She didn't want to leave the palace, leave behind Zuko, but this was the best way to protect him.
"Never forget who you are," she whispered to her half-asleep son. She turned to leave, but found her path blocked by the tiny Earth Kingdom girl.
"You're leaving," Toph noted. There was no judgement in her voice, just a faint hint of curiosity. "Why?"
"I don't have any other choice," she told the blind girl. Ursa didn't know what would happen to her now. Azulon had wanted this alliance, but Ozai was more interested in razing the Earth Kingdom to the ground, and had never liked the child. "Things are changing around here. I can't guarantee you'll be safe anymore. Do you want to come with me?"
"No," the little girl said. "I'm not running away again." Again?
Ursa looked down at the tiny child and felt a ripple of shame. She has more courage in her little finger than I do in my entire body.
She opened her lips, about to beg Toph to take care of Zuko.
That's not fair. She's just a child, and she'll have a hard enough time staying out of Ozai's way. I can't ask this of her.
"Take care of yourself," she said instead.
"Obviously," her son's intended replied.
And then Ursa was gone.
Overnight, everything seemed to have changed. Mom had disappeared, and no one seemed to know where she'd gone. Grandfather was dead, and Dad- Father- was the new Fire Lord. Which made Zuko, the spare prince, Crown Prince of the Fire Nation.
Honestly, it was all so overwhelming that it was nearly a month before he realized he hadn't seen Lady Toph in a while.
That had never happened before. He and his betrothed met every week, regular as clockwork. And now that he thought about it, he hadn't seen her hanging around the palace at all since…
Since Mom left.
None of the servants, tutors or other nobles mentioned her, so he decided it was probably better not to ask. He'd never been thrilled about the whole arrangement, he wouldn't complain now.
He wondered if she'd gone with Mom.
Wherever she was, she was now just another name to add to the list of people who'd left him behind.
And so he went on with his life. Being Crown Prince, he discovered, wasn't much different than being the fourth prince. Not yet. But he knew he had to start learning, paying attention to the state of their nation if he was going to be Fire Lord some day.
Which was why, at thirteen years old, he decided it would be a brilliant idea to sit in on a war meeting.
It wasn't.
Toph wasn't stupid. The Fire Nation may have been pretty relaxed about some second son's son marrying the child of people who were basically their enemies, but their Crown Prince? Not a chance.
She supposed she ought to feel lucky she wasn't being executed or thrown in prison. (Or worse, sent back to Gaoling.) Instead, she was shuffled off to some little mansion on the edge of the city, where she was promptly forgotten about.
Oh, she had servants who prepared her food and took care of the housekeeping and whatever else, but there were no more tutors. No more lessons. No more stuffy nobles or royal dinners or stupid people who thought blind meant deaf and dumb, too. (No more overdramatic princes regaling her with yet another spirit tale.)
She was free. More free than she'd been in her entire life. As long as she didn't draw too much attention to herself, she could do whatever she liked. She could run around barefoot, not brush her hair for days, and go without bathing for ages.
It was awesome.
It took about two months for her situation to become significantly less awesome. Sure, she could do anything, because no one cared. She hadn't had an actual conversation with another human being in weeks. She was starting to get… lonely.
Alright, that's enough of that. I'm Toph Beifong, I don't sit around feeling sorry for myself. I have all this free time, I may as well use it.
So she started spending her days out in the garden, bending etchings into stones as she tried to develop some sort of written language she could feel.
Around her tenth birthday (she'd lost track of the dates, so she wasn't sure exactly when), she had a visitor.
"Lady Toph, a pleasure to see you again!"
There was an old man standing in her foyer. She blinked.
She was fairly certain she'd never met this guy in her life.
"I'm sorry, do I know you?" She didn't bother with an explanation for why she was dressed in a sleeping robe, barefoot, with her hair sticking up in all directions, and he didn't ask.
"I apologize for not introducing myself," her guest said. "I'm Zuko's Uncle Iroh. I believe we met briefly at your engagement." Toph snapped her fingers in recognition.
"So you're the general-prince who went off to lay siege on Ba Sing Se," she said.
"I was, yes," Iroh said. "Now I am but a simple man who enjoys simple things- such as sharing tea with a young woman as fascinating as yourself."
Toph considered this, then shrugged her shoulders.
"Alright, why not?" She rang the bell for tea to be served.
Iroh ("call me Uncle") showed up at least a couple of times a month after that, apparently just to drink tea and make small talk. Eventually, he started bringing over a pai sho set ("the pieces are carved, so you should be able to identify them") and taught her how to play.
Toph enjoyed Uncle's visits. She might devote a lot of time on her pet project, but she still missed genuine interactions with others.
But one day, at least a year (maybe more, all this time away from civilization had seriously messed up her sense of time, she wasn't even sure if she was sleeping days or nights anymore) after he'd started coming, he showed up in a panic.
"I'm sorry, I have to leave, but I wanted to say goodbye first," Uncle said. "I'm so sorry, Lady Toph."
"Where are you going?" Her voice was strong, steady. (She would not cry. She wouldn't.)
"Prince Zuko has been banished," he explained. "The Fire Lord is sending him away, and I cannot let him go alone."
Toph thought for a moment.
"Wait right here, don't go anywhere," she said, then ran to her room. She reappeared a few minutes later, wearing proper clothing. Her hair was neatly combed and tied back. (She still didn't have any shoes on. If she could help it, she'd never wear shoes again.) A bag containing the few possessions she cared about was in her hands.
"Let's go," she said.
"What?"
"I'm coming with you. Obviously."
Toph wasn't stupid. The forgotten former betrothed of the Crown Prince was one thing, an oddity never given a second thought.
The once-bride of a banished prince? She wasn't willing to risk her life on her incognito status a second time.
…Besides, it might be nice to see Zuko again.
Not quite three years later
As Aang and his new friends flew away, he looked back at the Fire Prince's ship and saw something he did not expect. Emerging from below deck was a tiny girl who couldn't be much older than him, rubbing her eyes.
"What's going on?" Aang thought he heard her say.
She doesn't look Fire Nation. I wonder who she is?
That night, Toph was lying in bed, unable to sleep, when she heard the sound, clear despite the many layers of metal between them.
Oh, Sparky, not again.
She climbed out of bed, left her cabin, and walked past several doors until she reached the room the noise was coming from. Silently, she slipped inside.
Curled up on the cot was a shivering, thrashing young man, no older than sixteen. He was clearly having a nightmare.
His heart rate's out of control, that's not healthy.
"Please… no… I'm sorry." Broken whispers poured out of his lips. Sleep, it seemed, was the only time he didn't yell.
"It's alright, Sparky, I'm here."
She didn't know if he heard her. He didn't wake, he never did. She wasn't even sure if he knew that she always came on nights like this.
She sat down on the bed, stroking his head. She was careful to avoid even brushing his scar- she'd learnt from experience that it only seemed to make the nightmares worse.
Gently, she brought her other hand to meet his. The boy's sleep-heavy fingers latched on, and he gripped her hand so tightly she thought it might break.
Sparky, she thought as she continued to run her fingers through his hair, watching him settle back into dreamless sleep, What happened to you?
"Night after night, it keeps haunting me."
- FFH, "Undone"