Galvanized Emotion

by Uictoriam Ducere

Charlie has been called many things in his life. A criminal, a thug, and now a deadman. Awakening in a world filled with headache inducing magic ponies who drive him crazy was the last thing he expected. He must now learn to keep his temper in check to stay on their good side as they are the only ones who can bring him home. Being murdered though, makes that kind of difficult… AU

16. Act 1: Lights! Camera! Ponies?

Hey, guys and gals, Ducere here,

Sorry about how long this chapter took to release. I had originally written a chapter of about 14,000 words and that was done a week ago but I ended up scrapping it as I didn't like how it turned out. Too edgy for what I was going for so right now, it's shelved for the moment but oh well.

Here's a chapter of 17,000 words instead :') As always enjoy and stay safe out there!

Chapter 16: Lights! Camera! Ponies?

"Blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even of their blunders."

-Friedrich Nietzsche

"SPIKE! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!" A pancake and syrup covered Twilight howls at her assistant in a rage.

The drake throws his now empty plate to the side and points at the mare, "You started it by flipping me out of a great dream this morning! What did I say to you before we went to bed?! You should have just let me sleep in like I wanted to!" The drake screams back as the two now are staring each other down. "You kept me up almost all night so you can make a never-ending list that we don't even need and you're as kooky as Pinkie Pie if you think I'm doing it again today!"

The studious mare scowls down at her with almost murderous fever as a piece of sugary goodness slowly slides down her snout, "The reason why we had to stay up so late is because you have been slacking and I'm very behind because of it! We still have to plan out Winter Wrap Up for the Mayor and we haven't even started yet!"

Spike shrugs at that as he gets up and leaves the table to walk over to the pantry, "Sounds like a you problem if I'm being honest."

Twilight starts grinding her teeth like two stones rubbing on each other to dust and pulls Spike over with her magic, "I'll tell you what's going to be a you problem in a moment! If I have to go to the mayor empty handed tomorrow because you want to keep acting like a foal, then I'm going to-"

It's at this point I've completely tuned them out as I try my damnedest to enjoy my breakfast.

This is what it's been like for the past few weeks between the two of them and it's been getting worse. They fuckin' argue over every Goddamn thing that they even try to do together and at this fuckin' rate they're not going to be able to breathe silently in the same area code let alone the same room. It's not like this happened gradually either, it just seems like someone flipped a switch between the two and now they're going for the jugular. I guess I could step in and do something before it gets out of hand but honestly, it's kind of entertaining to watch given, I have nothing else to do. Besides, it wouldn't end well for any of us if I came between them, that I much I do know. This house is volatile as it is without me being added to the nitroglycerin mixture.

I just fuckin' wish I knew what was going on between the two so I can maybe get it to stop, it seems like something catastrophic happened that soured the duo's relationship, but what the fuck do I know. My two guesses as of right now are either Spike was caught choking the chicken in her bed or Twilight needs some serious dick.

Well, it seems like the latter is always ever present as of late with how moody she's been, though I guess I can chalk that up to stress and boy is she fuckin' full of it. The mayor's been on her ass about something this past week, but I don't know what. Probably about how Twilight has been defending me or punishment for housing me or getting her mommy to scold her like a toddler for trying to get rid of me. You get the fuckin' picture, it's probably because of me in some way shape or form.

I just know that cunt still has it out for me after she wasn't able to get her way at the joke of a trial.

I grunt at the thought as I'm chewing some of my pancakes in the tolerable silence of my own mind when a quiet huff next to me is a reminder that I'm not alone at the table. Looking over, I see little Apple Bloom staring at the two fight in almost awe, like she can't believe what she's seeing. I can't fuckin' believe I got stuck with her, man. Well, I guess Twilight was the one who got stuck here, but it still involves me dammit so it's the same fuckin' thing. I don't know what the fuck the Apple's were thinking with this one.

So, here's the deal with this fuckin' filly situation; she's going to be staying over here temporarily for the holidays and I did my best to reduce that time after about 20 minutes of bellyaching, believe me when I say it was super ineffective. Big Mac kind of ignored me while he rattled off a list to the filly about some rules. What those rules are? I don't remember as I was in the middle of losing my mind.

After we left the fuckin' house, Apple Bloom was in all sorts of anticipation for this little 'vacation', and she couldn't calm the fuck down about it the rest of the night. The walk home was abysmal as well as the cunts left it to me to carry her heavy fuckin' bags because the filly couldn't lift them, and Flash is an asshole who doesn't want to scuff his hoof like the fairy he is. Maybe I've been wrong about the sheep thing, maybe it's a bull he's been visiting instead…

Anyways, when we got back to the library Spike and Twilight were in the middle of arguing over two different ways you pronounce mayonnaise for whatever reason when we all busted through the door giving them a scare. To say they were surprised to see Apple Bloom trotting alongside with me would be an understatement and I had to explain the entire situation again much to my annoyance. After telling them what happened on the farm, Twilight happily welcomed the filly into her home for the time being, though Spike and I shared looks of distaste over it. At least there's one sane fuckin' person around here other than myself.

At this point Apple Bloom was still positively bouncing around as she started listing things we can do for our 'sleep over' like I was a teenage girl on the rag. What I don't understand is why she would be excited in the first place; the library is boring to fuckin' sin. The only reason I like it at all is because no one comes around here anymore. In fact, I don't even remember the last time someone came over here outside of Twilight's circle or Celestia's brood. I think you all know why.

God, it's rare, but love being me sometimes.

Before I could get sucked into a pillow fight or gossip about the town's cute stallions, I did my famous Irish goodbye while everyone was busy and went to bed for the night as my hand was aching like you couldn't believe, but that's what you get when you throw your hands at a tree like you were playing Minecraft. Spike showed up sometime later to ask if I was ready to go to Rarity's, but I said that shithead that I wasn't feeling it, and she can choke on a dick. Which in retrospect, is probably going to bite me on the ass today as she already sent a pretty Karen-like letter to Twilight telling her that I need to be there today or else.

Fuck you, lady, my hand is falling apart as it is, and I don't need it to get poked over and over again to boot…

"Do they always fight like this?" The filly asks knocking me out of my thoughts, "Ah don't think ah've ever heard them argue this bad before…"

I look over at the two to see a floating Spike scratching at the air between him and the mare as Twilight was reading from a book specializing in manners and etiquette in a chastising fashion.

While sighing, I scoop some more pancakes in my mouth and turn back her to answer, "You don't know the fuckin' half of it, fruit basket."

She looks back at me with those innocent globes, "Why don't they just make up and apologize?"

"Oh my fuckin' God, you're one of those aren't you? Well, I guess you are young still," She cocks her head making me roll my eyes and I elaborate, "One day you're going to wake up and realize saying sorry doesn't fix shit. It doesn't change events that already happened and it sure as shit doesn't make people feel better."

"But they've been arguin' all mornin'!" her head sags some, "Ah thought we'd be havin' fun…"

"And why would you think that? We're in a fuckin' library and the chief around here is that cardboard cutout you sometimes call Twilight." I shrug again as I take some more of Spikes pancakes, "What the fuck did you expect? An entire carnival with never ending games and plenty of clowns to molest you?"

She sighs as she glances at the two again, "Ah just thought I could have a good time before I got sucked back onto the farm…"

I pause mid chew and study her a moment before swallowing, "Well, that's surprising to hear from an Apple. I thought all you fucks did was work the land like jackasses, so color me surprised when I hear you hate the working on the farm as much as I do."

"No Ah-" She shakes her head making her gigantic red bow sway some, "Ah don't hate the farm. It's ma home and Ah'm proud of it, but Ah just wanted a break from it for a little while. Applejack's been ridin' me lately about how I need to learn 'responsibility' and ah'm up to my gizzard over it." She looks down at her blank flank with a downtrodden expression, "How am Ah supposed to be able to find time to get my cutie mark if I'm always pickin' apples and feedin' animals everyday?"

Oh, right, cutie marks. I forgot about that, or I've been just denying their existence for my own sanity, what little I have left at this point.

You see, not only can these ponies fuckin' fly, cast magic, uproot trees with their strength, but it seems fate is intertwined with these shits inside and out also. On the flanks of all these ponies are these retarded varying markings that I thought were tattoos or brands, but no, I couldn't have been more wrong leading me to believe it can always get worse. Apparently, when a pony finds out what their 'specialty' is when they start reaching adulthood, a mark appears as a symbol of what that is and it defines what they'll be or what they'll do in the future.

Absolute fuckin' bologna if you ask me.

The idea of being defined to a single thing your entire life sounds like a fuckin' nightmare. What happens if my thing was juggling or licking stamps? How the fuck am I supposed to make a living off of that if that's my special talent? The whole fuckin' thing goes against everything a human should stand for; having absolute autonomy over yourself and not letting the government, God, or any other tall dicked sandwich tell you how to live. And that's exactly what I told Twilight after she gave me the whole cutie mark rundown when I questioned her about that ketchup stain on her leg months ago.

The thought of the Librarian's lesson pulls my eyes over to see Spike biting Twilight's hoof and her using magic to smack him off with a wooden spoon.

I snort at the sight and turn back to filly, "Why are you so fuckin' bent out of shape about these cutie marks anyways? It sounds like a fuckin' curse to me to have one."

"What do you mean?! They're everything!" Her eyes starts twitching at that making me scootch my chair a little away from her for my own safety, "How am ah supposed to be the pony ah need ta be when ah don't know what that is yet!?"

"Humans don't fuckin' get gay little cutie marks and we get along just fine. Well, most of us work a 9 to 5 we can't stand and would like to off ourselves, but that's beside the point," I look back over at the two mental rejects and they're now a cartoon dust cloud with arms and legs poking out every now and again, "It's fuckin' demeaning is what it is."

"What's that supposed to mean?" She asks still confused.

"Being defined to a single thing is terrible no matter how much you like doing it." I look down at her as I stab a pancake, "What would you do if you found out cleaning porta-pottys was your thing, Apple Bloom? Would you go out there with a fuckin' smile that you have a permanent toilet brush on your ass all the time?"

"We don't have a donkey…"

"Ugh! I mean your fuckin' flank for Christ's sake!"

"Oh, that's what you meant! Well, Ah really don't want to clean up poop…" She looks like she was thinking and then a resolute expression forms, "But at this point, Ah don't really care what it is as long as Ah get it…" She turns to me with the same look, "Ah'll scrub a 1000 toilets if that's what it'll take. OH! Maybe me and the others are plumbers!"

I motion my hand at her to calm down, "Easy there, Berta, that was just a hypothetical, don't get all worked up over it."

She sighs as she lays her head on the table tiredly, "What else am Ah gonna do then, Charlie? Ah can't go the rest of my life bein' a blank flanker…"

"A blank flanker? Oh brother, you're being over dramatic." I stab some more pancakes and point the fork at her, "I'm going to tell you something I told someone a long time ago. You just need to wait. Enjoy the freedom you got now so you can retire in your 50s and stare into a pool reminiscing about your boring youth."

"That's easy fer you to say! You already have yours!" she accuses as she starts sitting closer.

I poke a finger on her snout with a bit of force, "I don't have a fuckin' cutie mark. The fuck are you talking about?"

She rubs her nose a moment and them pokes my throbbing, destroyed hand back, "Then what's that then?" I flip over the beaten and bruised hand to see the Mark of Wrath taunting me with its existence. "Sure, looks like a cutie mark to me, though ah don't really understand what it's supposed to be…"

I look at the hand with hatred as the W burns its way into my retinas, "It's not a fuckin' cutie mark."

"Well, what is it then?" She asks as her head cocks some.

"It's full-blown AIDS is what it is," I scoop some more pancake into my gullet before I cut her off, "And if you ask me what AIDS are I'll use you as bait for those coyotes and let them have fun with you."

She huffs and sits back in her seat in silence as the fight between two of the three stooges fills my ears. Looking back over one more time, I see Spike being held down with magic as Twilight huffs like she was out of breath.

"Let me go!" Spike screams as he tries his best to break free.

"Not until you've apologized for ruining my mane!" the mare grimaces as she looks at her syrup covered hair, "It's going to take me all morning to get this syrup out!"

"Well, at least it makes you appear a lot sweeter than you actually are, sticky hooves!" the drake laughs out making the librarian groan some more as her head and ears droop.

"You're being ridiculous, Spike!" she retorts back as she rubs off a piece of pancake off her ear, "Honestly, what are you trying to achieve to here by acting this way?"

He shrugs, "Nothing really. Well, you having a conniption is definitely an added bonus. I can't wait to see your face tomorrow when the mayor yells at you like you're a foal like last time. It's going to be priceless." He looks up like he was thinking, "I wonder where I put that camera…"

I swear on my nuts that Twilight explodes in a burst of fire from how mad she is, "OH YOU MISERABLE LITTLE-"

The sound of someone clearing their throat causes us all to spin around, "Am I interrupting something here, Miss Sparkle?" The third and final stooge in the shape of Flash says as he stands in the doorway of the kitchen. "I could come back if you wish."

She blinks and looks down at Spike and then at Flash Sentry before her face lights up in embarrassment, "N-no it's fine, Flash, I'm just telling my associate here that playing with your food is not acceptable." She gives another harsh look towards her assistant when said assistant blows a raspberry at her.

Flash hums as he gets closer to table and looks at me as I flip a piece into the air to try to catch with my mouth, I do not catch it, "Well, it's no wonder he has no manners considering he's friends with this blithering baboon who doesn't know what a mane cut is." He points a hoof at my head, "Tell me, Charlie, does the 'I have rabies and bite' look popular with the mares?"

Rolling my eyes I turn towards him fully, "No not really, but if you get any closer, we can test that rabies part if you like." I start clacking my teeth together and let out a low growl making him shake his head.

"Every time I think you could have any promise to become a gentlecolt it always gets squashed by your sheer savagery."

"What? I just want a nibble. Is too much to ask?"

As we descend into one of our legendary battles of wits, Apple Bloom looks back and forth between us as we throw insults in a confused manner.

"Oh! No wonder you're so craven. You're just lost and miss home!" he points with his hoof in a random direction, "Here let me help, I think the jungle is that way. Send a post card when you rejoin the troop." Flash starts making ape sounds.

I lean back in my chair and smile, "You know what? I am lost! I'm actually looking for your mother's house, you know where that is? She's pretty desperate for me to get there tonight, said daddy isn't pleasing her the way she likes."

"With the package your carrying?" He clicks his tongue, "I really doubt that she'd need you."

"Then your daddy must have acorns and a twig. Tell me, does the old adage 'like father like son' still carry over here?" I look down towards his legs and quirk an eyebrow, "What'd you got down there? Hold on, I've got a magnifying glass in the other room."

His eyes narrow along with mine as we stare each other down.

"Ape reject."

"Donkey pre-cum."

"Banana connoisseur."

"Future glue."

"Vine swinger!"

"Gelded carnival ride!"

"Glorified bug zapper!"

I lift my half-filled plate in a threatening manner, "You want to join her in that bath you're going to need in a minute? Then shut the fuck up, you sniveling cum filled meringue pie."

He shakes his head and sits by the table as he sighs, "You know, just asking someone to pleasantly stop won't kill you."

"It's funny how many times someone has said that to me, yet the outcome has remained the same. The definition of insanity everybody!" I take a bite and continue talking, making sure some pieces of food fling out of my mouth, "You of all ponies should fuckin' understand that by now."

Flash grimaces at the small chunk of pancake that landed by him as he retorts, "Believe me when I say I have the unfortunate displeasure of being a Charlie expert at this point in my life. The only thing that baffles me is the reason you wake up in the morning despite my weeks of observation. It seems all you do is to make every ponies day as miserable as possible with nothing else to live for. I know I wouldn't have much to live for if I were you."

I blink at him as a cold kind of anger takes hold as I know what he's insinuating, "That's called spite, Mr. Sentry, and spite is exactly what causes this to happen."

He cocks his head, "What do you-"

Before he could get the rest of the sentence out, I finally pull through with one of my threats and smash my plate over his head, the pieces shattering as it connected with his metallic helmet. The contents of sticky syrup explode over his body as he's left in a daze from his headgear being smooshed downwards making him temporarily blind. He stumbles around backwards like a cat stuck in a plastic bag before he slams into the wall behind him as he tries his damnedest to pry the helmet off him to no avail.

"Not the good china, Charlie! We're running low on dinnerware as it is with you and Spike using them for target practice." Twilight scolds and I'm more amused that she cares more about the plate than the struggling stallion.

I shrug as I pull abruptly pull over Apple Blooms plate and start eating off of it, causing her to glare at me as she wasn't quite done yet, "Then fuckin' invent TV already, point dexter, I'm fuckin' losing my mind over here. I haven't been able to watch my cartoons in fuckin' ages."

She picks up spike whose giggling at a still blind Flash as he walks by, grinding his head on the floor. "I already told you; I don't understand the technology of this TV you speak of and what cartoons are. How am I supposed to get pictures to move on their own? It sounds preposterous."

"Listen, if I knew how the inner workings of a TV set worked, don't you think I would have built one myself by now?" I lean back in my chair as I miss my chair, "The things I'd do for you and to you if you managed to get that for me are endless. And I'm talking anything…"

She rolls her eyes as she slams Spike down into his chair though the moment she releases him, the drake attempts a daring escape to the other room. Twilight watches him with a bored expression while he sprints away before she casts a spell at the drake, and he zaps back to the chair with a ball and chain around his ankle. The dragon looks around confused as the light at the end of the tunnel in the form of the other room was quickly taken from him. When he sees the ball and chain, he gives Twilight a nasty glare and tries to lunge at the sticky mare but is halted as the length of the chain snaps straight and it pulls him back to the chair.

The syrup covered librarian watched tiredly as he lunged yet again without moving a muscle, eventually sighing and teleports him once more towards the corner of the room with a dunce cap summoned on his head. The dragon immediately takes it off and jumps on it like he was Yosemite Sam and breathes fire on it, reducing it to ash and shakes an angry fist at her us and starts yelling, but I ignore it as I'm still trying to enjoy breakfast.

Twilight seemed to have ignored the dragon too and turns to me, "I'm going to be extremely busy today, Charlie, between the meeting with the Mayor and Spike I'm not going to have enough time to deal with Apple Bloom," She pauses like she was gulping in fear of the next part of her sentence, "Can you please bring her with you to Fluttershy's, just for today?"

"Yeah! That sounds amazin' fer today! Mrs. Fluttershy is so nice, and her animals are so funny!" Apple Bloom gleams.

I pause mid chew and look between Apple Bloom and the mare who just won't give me a break, "Uh yeah, that's a no from me, toots. Absolutely not." Apple Bloom actually shrinks at that like I care.

She shakes her head, "You won't have Spike with you today and Fluttershy is actually really good with fillies so you really wouldn't be foalsitting her the entire time." She gives me pathetic 'begging for food' eyes which I try to ignore, and she continues, "It would mean a lot to me, and I'll definitely make it up to you later."

"I don't swing my dick into animals like Flash so no thank you on that one, ya freak." I say again even more resolute against it.

She wasn't fazed by my comment in the slightest as she continued, "If you do this for me then I won't do my lesson this upcoming Monday." my fork stops midflight to my mouth and I look at her, "That's right, for the whole day you can sleep in without me nagging you and dream about filleting ponies or whatever it is you consider a good dream."

I blink as I mull it over before answering with, Apple Bloom looks up at me with very hopeful eyes making huff as I lean back further into my chair, "Make it the next two Monday's."

"Deal!" she sticks out a hoof to be shook so I spit on my hand and shake it back much to her dismay. She wipes it off on her coat in disgust before smiling at me, "I really appreciate this! You have no idea how much work I have to do and how little time I actually have."

"Yeah, and with your little helper, I'm sure it will go as smoothly as ever…" Is what I deadpan her with as I look over at the dragon who's gnawing at his own leg to get free.

Twilight sighs as she gazes at him with me, "I can't wait for Owlowiscious to come back. At least then I could get some work done without the hassle…"

"Oh yeah… I forgot about her…" I murmur as the memory of her annoying owl comes back to me, "What happened to her anyways? I don't think I've seen her in months."

"Oh! Princess Celestia had asked me if she could borrow her for some time for her foreign delegations right before Winter set it. Though if you ask me, I just think she wanted Philomena to have company," She eyes me some, "and you should know this, Charlie, you were there when she left…"

Apple Bloom tries to edge closer to her plate, but I snatch it from the table and lay it on my stomach, making her groan before I look back at the mare, "How many fuckin' times do I have to tell you, I'm missing like an entire week from my memory. How the fuck am I supposed to know what I don't know?"

Twilight sighs as she summons her notorious schedule book and flips through it, "We really need to find out how far your memory gap is, but not right now. I've got too much on my plate as it is."

"Ah I wouldn't worry about it. It's probably not all that important anyways." I shrug as I finish the plate of pancakes and slide to towards the little Olivia Twist as she now pouts, "From what I remember from before it was nothing but laying around and waiting for Sunbutt to fuckin' show up. The audacity of a Princess to not stop everything she's doing to assist an outsider who could care less if she's breathing or not."

Just as Twilight was about to defend her leader, the still blind Flash slams into the leg of the table with muffled screams of agony as he runs somewhere else in the kitchen.

"Should we help him?" Apple Bloom finally asks as we watch him slam into a cupboard.

I wave a dismissive hand at him as he starts spinning in circles, "Ah fuck him. Let him suffer, he deserves it."

The filly turns to the librarian as the muffled screams continue, "Aren't you gonna do somethin'?"

Twilight flips a page not paying him any mind, "Flash is a grown stallion, Apple Bloom, he should know by now that antagonizing Charlie will always have consequences."

"Fuckin' A right, sister." I turn towards the filly, "You keep that in mind too for today, you little shit, there's a new regime around here and things today are going to go smoothly. Capiche?"

The filly looks between all of us like we were fuckin' savages, "And Ah though ma house was dysfunctional…"

At this point Flash had crawled his way back towards the table and turned onto his back using all of his legs to push up on the helmet. His head looked like it was about to pop off from the force he was pressing, but unfortunately the only thing that did pop was the helmet that flew upwards as he finally freed himself. He lets out ragged breaths of air like he was being smothered and his Sonic the Hedgehog colored hair lay disheveled as he gasped for oxygen. He looks around confused and when he sees me, he lets loose a nasty look and sucks in a breath to release a flurry of insults, but before he could begin to get even with me the helmet that was still airborne falls back down and bangs off his noggin like a mallet to a gong. It even made the noise one makes too making me cackle as he falls back down with his sticking straight up in the air.

The shit was out cold. Good.

As my amusement shrinks some, I look over at Twilight who's still flipping through her schedule book and man, does she look stressed to sin. She murmurs under her breath about something as she summons two more books and starts cross examining them paying us zero mind as she reads. Her hair was a mangled mess before Spike had dumped his breakfast on her which was already odd as she was the almost as uptight about her mane as Rarity and that's saying something. She also had small dark circles under her eyes letting me know she hadn't been sleeping well either. Fuck, dude, if I didn't know any better, I'd have thought it was a ponified version of me I was looking at though having Spike being as difficult as he's been recently I don't fuckin' blame her either.

Speaking of the Dragon, I look back over to where he was sitting, and I purse my lips. He was carving tallies into the wall and was blowing on a harmonica which he seemed to have pulled out of his asshole. You know, as much as it pains me to say I'm going to have to agree with Twilight here about his behavior as of late. Spike has been getting worse both with her and with me. He isn't throwing pancakes on me as he'll know I'll vaporize him with my stare, but he's getting even more clingy if that's even fuckin' possible. That's what started the whole argument between the two this morning in the first place. Spike wanted to come with me to Fluttershy's, but the mare obviously denied his request making him shit a brick in anger and the fight between them soon ensued. All because of me.

Speaking of myself, what did I do to cease the situation? Absolutely nothing. Think about it, on one hand I hate Spike and I don't want him near me in any shape, form, or capacity so I could have sided with Twilight, however, I don't like taking her side in any shape, form, or capacity either so I did the only thing I could. I kept out of it entirely and let them destroy each other.

Divide and conquer, baby.

I look back at Twilight who had summoned 3 more books in that little amount of time I turned away and her eyes were starting to go cross eyed as she intently read making me shake my head, "So, what the fuck does Mayor McCheese want with you anyways? You don't work for the government."

My sudden question makes the mare jump and she turns to me, "I'm the town coordinator for events and other Ponyville festivities. It's an unofficial title in the political scene if that's what you meant," Her look sours as she pulls over another book, "but between you and me I really should have an office at this point! She keeps dumping more and more onto me! What do I look like? The mayor?!"

I snort as I lean back into my chair, "Christ, I couldn't imagine you as a political figure at all. You'd be the Eye of Sauron guarding the people away from fun with militant efficiency," I put my fingers to my temples and start moving back and forth like a robot, "Alert citizen of Equestria, you have been found guilty of sleeping in, your sentence shall be working hard labor in the Smily face mine, cupcake troops shall apprehend you shortly."

She hums as she looks back at Spike like she was thinking, "You know, that doesn't sound all that bad of an idea…" she shakes her head, breaking herself out of the darkside as she looks back at me, "And I'll have you know I'd be a good leader. I'm fair, honest, kind…"

"Uptight, unhinged, repressed…" I repeat back in my own description making her roll her eyes.

"The only pony around here I couldn't envision as a leader is you."

I wave hand at her, "Puh-lease. I'd be the best fuckin' thing to happen to this place in eons. My first order of business as supreme chancellor of the new Equestrian Empire is to implement state enforced anarchy."

She blinks at me, "That's an oxymoron…"

I point at her and look at Apple Bloom, "We have a dissenter on of hands, seize her!" When the filly sits there motionless, I sigh and lean back in my chair, "Still too early, but you'll all come along. Or else…"

Twilight actually giggles at that as she slowly shakes her head, "Charlie, we both know you're far too lazy to be a Chancellor of anything."

"True, but I'd be better than that cunt you all have in charge around here. The fuck does she do anyways? It seems you do everything for her, and you don't even get paid for it." I tap my chin, "Which makes you a sucker."

"And I'm starting to feel like one too…" is what she responds with as another piece of pancake slides off her cheek and lands in her schedule book making her sigh. "I don't mind not getting paid, but this is getting ridiculous."

I pull at my beard, "The fuck do you have to do anyways? It can't be that much."

"It really isn't, but with just myself to do everything I'm just so backed up." She hums some more and looks at some of her own entries, "I have Winter Wrap Up to plan out in its entirety and it has to be done soon so the Mayor can coordinate with the team captains, I have to go over the Hearth's Warming Pageant itinerary to see if everything will be hunky dory for the event this Sunday, and I also have to send some correspondence to Celestia regarding a tricky matter…"

"Tricky?" Apple Blooms asks.

"Yeah… Tricky…" Her lip purses as she pulls out a letter and reads it, "For some reason, the Princess has halted all compensation for the houses that you destroyed, Charlie, and everypony has been complaining to me about it like I know what's going on. It has to be a mistake…"

"Huh, that's what Pinkie Pie was telling me yesterday in the chicken coop," I eyebrows raise as I now want to ask Twilight something, "By the way, you know she wears that uh…"

As my voice dies in my throat Twilight nods her head like she already knew what I was going to say, "The chicken costume?" My grunt of agreement makes her grimace, "Yeah, that's our Pinkie Pie alright. Most ponies who meet her thinks she has lost her marbles."

"I don't even think she had marbles to lose if you ask me. The fuck is up with her anyways? Is she on the spectrum or something?"

"Pinkie's always been like that. Even when I first arrived, she was always something of an anomaly." She sets down a book and opens another, "And she isn't as bad as you make her out to be either. She may defy the laws of physics sometimes, but she means well." She slightly moves the book down and looks at me, "Let me give you some advice, just let her do whatever she wants, and you'll normally get out unscathed."

I guffaw at her use of vocabulary, "Unscathed?! She tried to kidnap me that first time I met her!"

"She wasn't kidnapping you, Charlie, she was trying to throw you a party…" She eyeballs me like I was the anomaly now, "Which I don't know how you've managed to avoid after all this time. When that mare wants a party, you best believe Ponyville is going to get a party."

Apple Bloom gasps at that making me look down at her, "How have you not had a Pinkie Pie party yet! It's the most amazin' thing in Ponyville if ya ask me!"

"Because I don't like parties, shit-fer-brains."

The filly shakes her head like she can't believe what I just said, "But she throws every newcomer a Pinkie Pie party even if they don't want it!"

Some soft groaning makes me look at the sprawling form of Flash and jab a thumb in his direction, "He never got a party, so what the hell."

The two look at each other and back to me before Twilight chuckles nervously, "Actually, she did throw him a party."

Wait what? "When the fuck was that?! I don't remember that."

"It was right after the uh…" She pauses like she was going to regret the next words and her ears fall, "…the hat incident. It was in town hall that very night."

"Of fuckin' course the town celebrated my near death. Fuckin' figures…" I look over at Flash who is still snoring, "I wish I can fucking kick your shit in twice, you fuck!" Flash simply murmurs in his unconscious state making me snort as I turn back to the others. "But why that of all things? Out of everything she could be obsessed with why parties!?"

As the librarian was writing something down, she shakes her head, "As much as I would love to dissect Pinkie Pie and discuss theory upon theory about how the inside of her mind ticks, I simply don't have the time. Speaking of…" Twilight nonchalantly summons a clock and looks over at it and she almost jumps out of her own skin when she sees the time, "OH NO! I only have four hours until my meeting at town hall and I'm nowhere near ready!"

Twilight zips around the room with her teleport spell grabbing different books and clipboards until her hooves were full, and quickly zaps back over to the table, dumping everything pretty unkempt like if I don't mind saying. The fuckin' cunt nearly pushed me out of my seat with how aggressive she threw everything down. I watch her poof away once more and, in an instant, returned wearing a full body suit of what looked like pillows and a hockey mask. In her hooves was pair of ridiculously long tongs that held an enraged Spike who was hissing like Opalescence though before he could scratch at her just like the cat, Twilight summons a small cage and throws him inside locking it before she poofs away once more. I snirk at the sight and through some food at him making him glare at me but all that does is make me laugh harder.

"Stop that and let me out of here!" Another piece of pancake bouncing off of his nose was my answer, "YOU WILL RUE THE DAY YOU LOCKED UP A DRAGON!" He exclaims as he shakes at the bars.

"Rue the day? Jesus Christ, you sound like Bling Bling Boy, you loser." Just as he was about to say something I continue, "And for the record, I'm not stepping in the way of Twilight at all, not today."

He hits the bars, "And why not?!"

Without another beat, Twilight poofs back somewhat clean but her mane was still a mop of a mess while sporting some Mad Max crazy eyes and I swear to Christ, she lets loose a laugh that sounds like Ren when Stimpy wouldn't let him sleep in that one episode and she disappears again leaving the dragon in a fearful state of speechlessness as he turns to me.

"Yeah, that's why." I lean back in my chair eating up his look, "You reap what you sow there, boots. If I were you, I'd just do what she tells you."

"You'd never do that! You'd fight tooth and nail over this!" He screams back.

"I think my words were, if I were you and I meant that quite literally." I say pretty smugly as I scratch my head with a spoon, "You're soft and young, you'll break eventually whereas I wouldn't. I'd break her."

Apple Bloom looks between us all still not comprehending what's happening, "Is-is this a regular thing around here!"

Me and Spike look at each other and both answer in tandem, "Basically."

After a few more minutes of sitting around to let breakfast settle, Twilight poofs back and shoves Apple Bloom and I towards the exit of the kitchen, "Alright, you two! Fluttershy's! Now!" She barks out like a caveman.

"What about Flash?" Apple Bloom asks as we pass his snoring body on the floor.

"He can help me when he wakes up!" She uses her magic to pick us up and throws us out of the room, "Now out!" The door slams shut, but quickly opens again as the disheveled looking Twilight points a hoof at me, "Don't forget about Rarity's today!"

The door slams shut once more and you could hear the sounds of several kinds of locks click and clang, then magic thorned chains wraps around the door with an X pattern as they give off a purple aura of her mystic powers.

"Well, that happened…" Is what Apple Bloom finally says to the silence making me huff as I rub my forehead.

"You can say that again…" I look down at her, "Alright, let's get the fuck out of here. You ready?"

"Hmm hmm!" She nods her head, making that obnoxious bow sway a little.

"Good!" I turn and start walking towards the exit. I could hear the little clops of her hooves behind me so at least I know she's following me.

"What're we gonna do at Fluttershy's when we get there?" She asks as we reach the main entrance, "She's foalsat us a couple o' times, but we didn't really do anythin' besides some teatime. I bet she's got all kinds o' stuff for us ta do when we get there! Maybe we can feed Harry! Ooh I love him so much! He's always makes me giggle when he wants belly rubs. I wonder what belly rubs feel like? Almost all the animals on the farm love them and-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" I scream at her, making her ears and her bow blow backwards.

Her ramblings finally irk me to the point of exploding as I take my quilt off the hat rack, and she clams up as she takes a small step back in fear.

"Now I want set up some fuckin' ground rules between us just so you're aware," I pull the quilt over and pop my head through the hole and stare down at her as I wrap it around myself, "Rule one: Think before you talk. If you think it will make me mad, don't fuckin' say it. Rule two: as soon as we get to Fluttershy's you're her problem until we leave. If you need something, you talk to her and leave me the fuck out of it! Capiche?!"

"But-"

"But nothing! Now let's fuckin' go!"

As I finish tying the quilt down, I open the door, the cold making my bones scream in pain as I kick her towards the exit and she flies into a big pile of snow, disappearing in the white powder. they're heads pops up and she looks at me like she wet the bed, but I don't pay it any mind as I shut the door and walk away from the dreaded library, AKA the lair of the demented pony. I swear I hear some girlish screams come from inside the oak tree as I walk a little bit away from it, but I think I may just be hearing things. I don't bother turning around to see if the filly was following as I honestly didn't really care if she was or not.

"Wait up fer me!" She calls out from behind and I groan as she runs up next to me, matching my pace. "At least it didn't snow last night, the trail to get to Fluttershy's is pretty remote…"

"Remote enough for me to devour you if you piss me off enough." I say as we start walking through the middle of town.

"Oh, don't be like that. I'm just tryin' to be friendly with ya."

"Need I remind you of Rule One already?" I sigh again and murmur underneath my breath, "You must have the same goldfish memory as your brother considering I almost killed him…"

"What's huh? What's Big Mac gotta do with this?" She inquires as we pass by.

"Never fuckin' mind…" Is what I answer with thankful that she didn't hear that last part as we continue.

As we're walking through town, I notice a plethora of ponies walking around stringing up decorations around their houses and on streetlamps. Looks like wreathes and those long pieces of garland tied together with blinking lights adorning them. Some other ponies were putting wreathes on their doors and tying bright red bows to their mailboxes, why are they putting these ugly shits up? Is it for the holiday's? Well, if it is then that means…

Oh, my fuckin' God! Hearth's Warming is just fuckin' Christmas! Pony. Fuckin'. Christmas.

Goddammit… I just can't catch a fuckin' break. Why fuckin' Christmas of all things! I fuckin' hate that holiday! The jolly bunch of unnamed ponies stop working as we pass through and most of which give me dirty looks, but at least they keep to themselves. For the most part I ignore them, but I almost pause as we're walking when a thought hits me. This is the first time I've been in town unsupervised since before the incident.

Huh. So, this is what freedom feels like and honestly it feels the fuckin' same. What a rip off.

Fuckin' Flash Sentry is an asshole through and through, though I shouldn't be too hard on the Stallion as he's been pretty lenient compared to what he was ordered to do. The fucker told me a couple weeks ago that there was supposed to be an entire garrison of soldiers accompanying me wherever I went 24/7. Orders from top brass apparently so you already know who that ball gobbler is. When I asked him why he was the only one who 'watched me', if you could call escorting a prick from A to B watching, he responded that it seemed unneeded, and that Captain Shiny Turd was being a little overzealous in his request.

What I don't understand is why the shit bird has such a fuckin' hard on for me. I never even met the fuck head before that day after everything happened so what the fuck did I do to him? And what was the deal with him and Twilight? The two sure looked like they knew each other considering the whole Twily thing. I'd ask the mare myself what the deal is, but if I'm being honest, I'm mildly curious, not ferociously curious enough to butt into her personal affairs. Besides I already set the standard that I don't want her asking me anything about myself so it would be hypocritical at best and her thinking she can start the questionnaire at worst.

"APPLE BLOOM!" The cries of two fillies cry out in unison knocks me out of my thoughts as I look over.

Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo rush at the country filly and tackle her into the snow, all the while giggling like, well, schoolgirls. Go fuckin' figure. They wrestle in the snow for a moment much to my dismay and after a small scene of junior WWE they stand to shake the snow off themselves when the orange one pokes Apple Bloom.

"There you are! We've been looking for you, Apple Bloom! Where were you yesterday?!" The smaller Rainbow Dash demands, "We were supposed to rehearse at Sweetie Belle's place, and you never showed up!"

Sweetie Belle pipes up, "Yeah and when we went to the farm today, your sister said we were banned from going to our tree house for the time being and that you were staying somewhere else! What's going on?!"

Apple Bloom looks between the two and chuckles nervously, "Oh yeah, heh. Ah was so excited yesterday Ah completely forgot about that. Somethin' happened in the orchard and Big Mac didn't want me on the farm for a few days."

Scootaloo groans, "Well, it better have been important whatever it was! We only have two days to rehearse now, and we didn't even start yet! I'm Commander Hurricane this year finally and I want to get all my lines right! I've got to show that Tiara that I am good at acting! Not only good, but the best!"

Sweetie Belle rolls her eyes, "She gets one good part, and it goes to her head…"

Scootaloo pokes the small "That's coming from the filly who has a secondary role. You just wouldn't get it."

Sweetie Belle glares at her friend, "I'm Clover the Clever, Princess Platinum's court Wizard! How in the world is that a secondary role?"

"She's basically an assistant to the princess in the play, Sweetie Belle. Sounds pretty secondary if you ask me." Sweetie Belle sticks her tongue out at the pegasus and the pegasus does the same back.

"Hey! Shit heads!" I call out, gaining all of their attention, "I don't have fuckin' time for this Micky Mouse Clubhouse bullshit so go bug someone else why don't ya!" I look down at the country filly, "C'mon Apple Bloom, we don't have time for this."

The little orange pegasus finally realizes that I'm standing there and she scowls at me as she gets between Apple Bloom and myself. "Why would she go anywhere with the likes of you, ape! You're more than bananas if you think I'm letting you anywhere near her or Sweetie Belle!"

God, she sounds exactly like Rainbow making roll my eyes, "Uh well, as long as her dim witted, incest baby of a brother wants me to watch her, then yeah, she is going with me, you fart flavored sherbet! So fuck off back to where you touch yourself, you fuckin' ass clown!"

The two fillies look at each other and back down at Apple Bloom who sheepishly chuckles and shrugs, "He ain't lyin' if that's what yer going to ask. Remember when Ah said Big Mac didn't want me on the farm? Well, he sent me to the library and so I'm under Charlie's watch…"

Sweetie Belle actually looked excited to hear that, "Ooh! You're going to have a blast, Apple Bloom! He foalsat me yesterday with Spike and we had a lot of fun! Charlie is the best foalsitter in the town and that's a fact! Isn't that right, Charlie?"

"Eat shit and die!" I threaten the small filly and she just giggles at me.

Sweetie Belle leans closer to her hick friend and whispers, "That's his way of showing affection…"

"Ugh! You're all impossible!" I scream as I stuff my mitted hands into my pockets. Despite the woolen protection, the air as an edge of bitter cold and standing they're like an asshole is not doing me any favors.

Scootaloo looked like she was going to have a stroke as she kept doing double takes between myself and her two friends, "Wh-you-he-WHAT!?" She points a hoof at me, "How!? He's a monster for what he did in town! Not to mention he smells like a sewer, and he looks like a cow pie!"

"Standing right here by the way, dick munch."

Scootaloo was still in a form of disbelief as she completely ignores me, "That's just the craziest thing I've ever heard! What was your family thinking, have they lost their minds!"

"Hey! Ma family has all their senses intact, and I won't stand here and listen to you bad mouth them," the tiny hick exclaims, "It's just a precautionary thing and I'm actually under the eye of Twilight technically, not Charlie. Though, she did kind of dump me with you…"

I nudge the little earth pony with my foot, "While I hate this bloated tangerine's little guts, I have to agree with her on this one, Apple head, your fuckin family is batshit and I won't hear otherwise. If fuckin' granny hits me one more time, she's going to wish she went to pasture 45 years ago when she was a strong 70."

Scootaloo stutters some more, "I'm not going to stand here and let one of my best friends be watched by somepony like him!" She shakes her head again and begins to trot away, "I'm gonna go find Rainbow and tell her about this, she'll know what to do…"

Thankfully Sweetie Belle stopped her before I committed Filicide and tries to talk some sense into her rambunctious friend, "Scootaloo, no! You can't do that!"

"And why not!?" She asks back, "There's only one pony brave enough around here to put up and fight with him and it's her!"

Sweetie Belle shakes her head, "We talked about this. You can't go off of just what Rainbow Dash thinks of him. It's just not fair, Charlie's actually really cool when you get to know him. I've been hanging out with him almost every day for the last two weeks and I'm still standing here, aren't I?"

She gasps and takes a step back, "He has mind control powers! He's taken over my friends' brains!"

The country pony and the seamstress sister both deadpan each other and look back, "Scootaloo, we're feelin' fine! And Sweetie Belle's right, Charlie ain't as bad as he thinks he is. Though, Ah do have to agree with the smell and that's really saying something when I work around cows almost all day."

"Again! I'm still standing right here, asshole!"

"I just-" she sighs as she looks over at me and a glare forms to match mine, "What are Sweetie Belle and I supposed to do if you're following him around all day? Doesn't he have those like chores to do with the other elements? We still have to rehearse for the play, and this is the first year we all were given good roles. Not to mention we don't have our club house anymore…"

"Yeah, that is a pickle… But I don't really know what to do about it. We're heading to-" She stops mid-sentence and I almost see the exclamation point appear over her head as an idea hits her, "Why don't y'all come with us to Fluttershy's? It's quiet out there and I'm sure Fluttershy won't mind. She's foalsat all o' us before."

"What?" Is all that comes out of my mouth as I can't really believe Apple Bloom broke the two cardinal rules in all about 3 minutes, "Absolutely not! There is no fuckin' way I'm-"

"Yeah! Fluttershy's awesome! Maybe she can help us with some of our lines!" Scootaloo shouts out cutting me off entirely as she completely ignored my existance.

"No, I don-"

"Yeah! And since we don't have the clubhouse anymore, maybe she'll let us plan out some more Cutie Mark Crusader ideas for a little while too when we finish our lines!" Sweetie Belle exclaims. "We have to head to Rarity's when later too! So, we can hang out all night! That's a great idea, Apple Bloom!"

"Did I fuckin' say you all can-"

Apple Bloom sports a proud pose and turns to her peers, "C'mon crusaders! We got a play to rehearse and cutie marks to acquire!" And without another word the three insane school ponies all rush away, leaving me in a cloud of smoke as I watch their little shapes disappear around a corner towards Fluttershy's house out of town.

I stood there in the middle of the road with an intermediate feeling of hatred and restlessness as a realization of what today was going to entail finally set in. How do these ponies always seem to make any situation I get into fall into the worst possible outcome, like at this point I'm almost impressed. Today was supposed to be a quiet afternoon at Fluttershy's with a single brat and now I've got an entire class following me around like I was Mrs. Frizzle and let me tell you this hasn't been a normal fuckin' field trip either.

I said it once and I'll say it again; I just can't fuckin' win.

It wasn't until some wandering towns ponies started glaring at me that I decided to get a move on and the fuck out of here. Without another word, I continue in the same direction as the fillies, albeit at a slow pace, trying my absolute best not to toss my body down a well on the way there. I'm going to tell you all right now, I'm sure as shit ain't going to be on time today and that's a fuckin' promise.

OoOoO

"M-mares? Can you please settle down a tad? Mares? Can you hear me?" the shy mare tries to order out, but the fillies either didn't hear her or just didn't care as they continued to use Fluttershy's kitchenware as makeshift costumes and props for their rehearsal.

"No no no! You're too early! You say that after you accuse Chancellor Puddinghead of eating all the food not before!" Sweetie chides as she reads the script for the 80th time in a row.

Scootaloo scratches underneath the pot adorned on her head that she's been using as a crown and looks the same packet of papers confused, "Was it before? I could have sworn it was after Princess Platinum calls me a ruffian…"

Apple Bloom groans as she rereads her peer's part again, "Ah don't understand, we've been at this for about 3 hours, and you haven't memorized a single line!" She looks back at her, "Are you reading from the same script?"

She shoots her friend a nasty look, "Of course I am!"

"Well, it doesn't feel like it!" Sweetie Bell shoots back. "Me and Apple Bloom already have our lines known to heart!"

Scootaloo starts looking flustered, "I-it's because I have the most lines in the play! I mean, look at this!" She slams the script onto the floor with a thud, "I'm in almost every scene!"

Sweetie Belle's face grows a sly smile as she looks at her neanderthal of a friend, "What's the matter? Still think you're better than a secondary?"

"Why you-" Scootaloo lunges at the small white unicorn and the two scuffle on the floor leaving an exasperated Apple Bloom.

"Enough out of you two! We have to finish so we can start crusadin' again!" The dustball of fillies enters the kitchen and Apple Bloom runs after them, "Will y'all stop bickerin'! You sound like Spike and Charlie in there!" Is the last I hear from them as the sounds of fighting leave the room letting me breathe a small sigh of relief.

I can't believe I'm stuck here listening to these dribbling morons talk all fuckin' day. All this over this stupid fuckin' play. I've got to say, I don't know much about this Hearth's Warming pageant thing, but it really seems like a fuckin' snooze fest or it's going to be with those three being stars in it. Christ alive, you couldn't find bigger pieces of wood to audition in this play to save your life.

The entire rundown of the fuckin' play in question is that there was some never-ending blizzard plaguing the divided pony races a long time ago in a distant galaxy and the leaders of all three tribes formed a summit to talk things out to try to remedy the situation. Of course, they all don't like each other from the get-go and blame one another for the lack of food on top of the bizarre weather. Anyways, long story short, the three pony races find out that 'hatred' caused the blizzards and attracted these fuckin' crazy Windigo things that show up because of it or some shit and the big three leaders became trapped where they slurped each other til they were blue in the face or some shit. Soon after Equestria was created or something, I guess or whatever the fuck.

If I'm being honest, I wasn't really listening that attentively as you can already fuckin' tell, but that seems to be the gist of it.

Unbelievable, you call that a fuckin' saga! A lore of the land?! Puh-lease! Where's the blood?! The war-torn brave hero swearing on revenge on the enemy!? The climatic ending between good and evil!? Or even a one-sided struggle as a brave general leads a gang of ragtag rebels against some tyrannical empire with little hope?! Christ alive, I've watched porn with better a better plot than this heaping pile of garbage and I'm saying that even after watching Pluto Nash.

Ugh… I really do fuckin' miss TV and at this rate I'm probably never gonna be able to watch it again. Even these little retards don't even come close to the dopamine cable gave me, in fact, they've been putting me to sleep as they've just been repeating the same fuckin' lines over and over again. At least that fuckin' weirdo Fluttershy has been having fun. She's been intently listening the entire time like she's been enjoying it, but I don't know how if I'm being honest. She's not even faking it to make them feel better either which is debatably worse.

"Fuck those fillies, dude." I groan out as Angel yawns in my lap from my continuous pets.

"They aren't that bad, Charlie." Fluttershy giggles at my annoyed demeanor, "I'm actually rather delighted if not surprised you brought them along."

"Brought them?" I repeat as I point at the door the shits tumbled out of, "They brought themselves here Goddammit! I just wanted a quiet evening to cook some goddamn food and to relax, but no! Yet again, I've been contracted, via the price of my soul it feels like, to babysit! The fuck they put in the drinking water around here?! Can't you see I'm obviously the least qualified person to take care of some kids?!"

"Well, despite your dismay, it's still nice that you're all here though." She smiles at me, "I haven't had this much company in forever. I was beginning to get worried that poor Angel would start going stir crazy when the Winter set it. He doesn't get out as it is when it's nice outside let alone in the cold."

I roll my eyes, "Yeah poor Angel… This shithead has it made, Fluttershy, there's nothing for him to be poor."

I look down at the varmint in question and he's snuggled into my quilt as I scratch that area between his ears on his head. Despite that first day being a show to gain Fluttershy's trust, it seems the little shit likes the human fingers that comes with the 'Bostonian Asshole action figure'. He was all up in my shit the last time I was here too, but at least that was somewhat welcomed as it cleared some awkward air between me, and the hobbit turned pony.

You see, Fluttershy was in her 'save my babies' fight or flight response still from my explosive deboute with Rainbow and man was she fuckin' annoying beyond belief. Think how Twilight babies me and quadruple it. Yeah, that fuckin' bad. She was being overzealous in her attentiveness at every fuckin' step of the way throughout the entire day. I would have been pretty upset about it, but it unnerved me more than it aggravated me. At one point she tried spoon feeding me oatmeal while making airplane noises and you can go ahead and envision how well that went. Despite my less than kind way to put sentences together, her unabashed fervor in 'healing' me was probably the most I'd ever seen the introverted mare do anything more than murmur and stutter like an invalid.

The fuckin' mare needs to join the club with Twilight and get out some. What's up with these mares being absolute fuckin' psychos, man! I get they're technically women, but c'mon! This is ridiculous!

I hear Fluttershy hum pulling me out of my own mind, "I still can't get over how well you get along with him. If another pony even tried what you're doing right now, I don't think it would end well…" She warns like she was remembering something but shakes out of it. "The same goes for the rest of my little friends, they all adore you!"

"I don't get fuckin' why though! I didn't fuckin' do anything for them! So, what the fuck!?"

"Well, you did help me after all. Because of you I was right as rain that next morning," She gleams at me making me sick to my stomach as I sneer towards the opposite direction, "But that's not why they like you so much."

I give tired laugh, "Let me guess, it's my charming personality. Well, they can get in line for that fuckin' ride, sister."

"Well, now that you mention it, they did tell me something after you left…" Fluttershy's lips purse like she was debating to tell me something and it got on my nerves exceptionally fast.

"Just get on with it already!" She yelps and shrinks into herself causing me to huff as I shake my head, "You know what? Never mind, I don't want to fuckin' know. It would probably make me mad anyways." I turn to her with some mild curiosity on my features, "How do you talk to these shits anyways? Let me guess, you swam in nuclear waste as a kid and now you're like some kind of ass backwards Aqua-Man."

She regains some courage, what little the shitbird actually has, and scoots a little closer, "Oh! Oh no, I didn't really understand my knack for helping animals until I was almost a full-grown mare. Even though I'm a pegasus, I was never really that adept at flying. I actually hate it. I'm afraid of heights."

I pinch the bridge of my nose, "Of fuckin' course you are…"

"Anyway's, some of the others used to pick on me for it. Said I was a sorry excuse with wings and such…" Her look sours to sadness as she continues, "There was an annual race at the end of the year for my class. Suffice to say, with these wings, I didn't last long. I fell right out of the sky, and I really thought that was the end for me, but then the most amazing thing happened."

"Big Foot caught you and made you his bride!" I gleam out. "Tell me, how was the honeymoon with all those feet in the way? Or were the feet apart of it, you saucy devil."

She stares at me a little annoyed at my crude outburst, "No, nothing like that… Little friends in the form of butterflies and birds caught me and softened my fall. When I finally opened my eyes, the most beautiful sight I've ever seen in my life was all around me."

"A wall of whiskey!" I shout and then I frown, "No, wait. That's what I'd find beautiful. Never mind me, just keep going."

She glares a little and continues, "Anyways… I was in a small forest, and I'd never seen so much green ever. I wasn't though, some small animals came running by and I just felt at home. It felt so good, that I started singing. I don't know why I did it, but it just felt right at the time. The animals fell in love with the tune immediately and the rest is history. Ever since then me and animals have had a connection."

"So, let get this straight, you just fuckin' Snow White'd your way into the hearts and minds of the critters of the forest and they just started talking to you like you were a nosy neighbor? The fuck?!"

She looked down blushing, "Well, I don't really talk to them, but rather I feel them."

I quirk an eyebrow and my mouth falls open a little, "Feel who now?"

"The animals of course!" A hummingbird glides down and rubs up against her cheek and flies away to its kind that were flying on the other side of the room, "That small little bird just gave me it's appreciation for everything I did for its broken wing and that it's family is more than grateful to have their sibling back. I didn't hear it per say, but I felt it." She turns to look down at a sleeping Angel and she giggles, "Just like how I feel that angel wants you to keep scratching his head."

I look down at the rodent again, but there's literally no change in his behavior at all until I start petting his head once more making him smile gratefully as he snuggles into me more. Huh, so she just feels the animals then? Like a migraine or something. Fuckin' weird, but this is magic land so who the fuck knows what's up and what's down around here.

I look back up at the mare, "If you can feel what they're thinking, then why the fuck do some animals talk and others don't."

"It's best if you don't think too hard about it and just go with it." she answers rather quickly.

"…That's… not what I thought you were going to say," I lean back in the couch and groan, "Equestria makes no fuckin' sense whatsoever."

A small silence takes us before that look of confliction returns to the mare, "Do you… Do you want to know the reason why they all like you so much?"

I shrug indifferently, "Something tells me you're going to spill the beans anyways so go for it."

She looks up like she was thinking about how she was going to word her sentence and looks at me, "How I interpret the animals' feelings is unique for me among ponies, but for the critters it's as natural as the world can be for them. How I feel them, they also feel all of us in the same way."

"So, what the fuck does that have to do with me then?" I question rather impatiently.

She looks at me with a tinge of melancholy, "They… they all can feel you, Charlie. Your emotions, what your next intention will be, and what kind of pony you are. They feel it all, even the bad."

I stop petting the rabbit and look at her blankly as I get the feeling I really don't want to hear what's coming next, but I can't stop my own curiosity, so I let her continue.

She places a comforting hoof onto my hand, and she looks at me with sincere, caring eyes, "They-we… all know that you're grieving right now, Charlie. I don't what happened to you or if you lost somepony recently, but my little friends all feel it and they want to help comfort you in this terrible time you're going throuh and so do I."

…Man… I really hate when I'm right sometimes…

A nasty glare forms on my face and I turn to the mare making her inch away a little as I speak in a monotone voice, "I'm going to say this once and only once; you tell your animal fuck buddies to mind their own fuckin' business before I walk out of this house looking like Jeremiah Johnson. You don't know who that is or what he wears, but for your own sake, stay out of my shit and we'll keep it that way. The only comforting that will happen around here is your little friends to each other when they visit your fuckin' grave. Now get the fuck off me."

Without another word, I swipe my hand back from the mare which she looked hurt by the action and my words, but she stayed quiet about it as she intently watched me. Fuck her and fuck her animals too. They feel my grief? Get the fuck out of here with that shit! I'm not grieving you empty headed maggots; I'm enraged! Big fuckin' difference there don't you think! I haven't felt a fuckin' thing since I left home except rage! In all the fuckin' months I've been here and they think I'm all weepy eyed!?

Get the fuck outta here!

I simmer in the living room for quite some time as Fluttershy calmly sips on her tea like I never threatened her or her little furry friends which irks me to no end. I don't fuckin' get her, man. On one hand she's the most cowardly, inward, pantie pissing, sniveling little mouse I've ever met and on the other she's braver than half the fuckin' town by not screaming in terror at my very real threat I just left her with. Fuck, dude, I'll even give myself a head start and dig the hole I'll put her in now just so you all know how serious I am motherfucker.

I sigh and wipe my runny nose, "I need a fuckin' vacation," I mumble out loud gaining the attention of the quiet mare.

"Well, it may not be the beaches of the Celestial Sea, but at least it's peaceful here." A large crash in the kitchen causes me to glare at the Easter yellow pegasus with malice making her shrink and nervously chuckle, "For the most part hehe. I better go see what they're up to."

Fluttershy quickly rushes into her kitchen leaving me alone with the Godforsaken animals. One of which was still in my lap who slowly got up and stretched like he was an 80-year-old man when the loud crash woke him. His spine cracked as he leaned back and then he yawned as he scratched his ass pretty uncouth like. Fuck, man, get him a robe and some slippers and he'd be picture perfect for a bunnified Tony Saprano.

Get this man some capicola and some Uncle Ben's rice for goodness sake…

"You enjoy your stay at the Charlie Inn, future soup?" he looks up at me as he smacks his lips tiredly as he shrugs, "Well, let me tell you we charge by the hour, so you better have liked it. And by the way if you don't pay up, you'll be paying with your fuckin' kneecaps."

The bunny blows out the laziest raspberry a man can try as he continues his half-assed stretches. Lord knows if I didn't admire this rabbit's gumption and sheer audacity, I'd have made him into a sock I'd jizz into and leave him under my bed to be forgotten. I'm not joking either. Not about the sock, the admiration part. This fuckin' thing doesn't fear God himself and doesn't take shit from anyone. Spike is kinda trying to attempt that, but this rabbit is the real fuckin' deal. Reminds me of me actually, but nothing beats the original.

If Angel's like Pepsi, then I'm Coca-cola, and Spike's RC or Stars and Stripes I guess in American terms…

I poke his back and he turns around, "So why the fuck are you so tired today anyways? You don't do anything around here except shit, eat, and sleep in that order so what the hell."

He sticks his hand into a fur pocket and pulls out a gem of some kind and hands it to me. Yes, you heard me right, this shit has built-in pockets in his fur, and it's filled with gems. What the fuck…

As I look at the blue cut stone, I lift it to a light I pause as something familiar hits me, "Wait a minute… I know this stone. It's a fuckin' sapphire from Rarity's shop! She uses it for her expensive dresses and shit! Why the fuck do you have this?"

He hops up to grab the gem back from me and he bounds over to the end table next to the couch I'm sitting on with a pretty pronounced keyhole. He fishes through his laws of physics breaking pockets once more and he pulls out a key for said lock and slides it in, twisting it as it makes that satisfying unlock sound. As he pulls it open, shimmers of light and golden rays blind me slightly as I take in the 8th wonder of the world encapsulated within an end table drawer with a gasp.

This fuckin' drawer was teamingwith gems, jewelry, gold coins, silver candlesticks, carrots, and so much fuckin' more that I can't even begin to comprehend all the contents. The shit drops the gem inside and pulls out two more items, one being a small tiara and the other being a crystal doorknob. When all the items are placed inside, he shuts his treasure trove and pockets the key once more before brushing off his hands and looking at me smugly like he'd know I would be impressed.

"Ho-lee shit…" I point at him with my jaw still on the floor, "You're a fuckin' kleptomaniac ain't ya, ya little shit? Huh! That's actually pretty fuckin' funny."

He sports a proud look as he bounds back into my lap and uses hand signals to threaten my very soul should I tell anyone.

I snort as I wave my hand at him, "Listen, guy, as long as you don't steal anything from me, I don't give a shit what you do. Steal the Princesses virginity next while you're at it too. Maybe she'll calm the fuck down." He looked entranced by something when I waved my arm and I follow his gaze to meet the watch strapped to my wrist and I scowl at him, "What did I just say, Max! I ain't a dog detective to keep you in line asshole."

"Say what to who?" Apple Bloom questions as Fluttershy and the unholy trinity enter the room.

I look down at the bunny who motions a slit neck with his hand making me snort again as I look back at the wandering circus, "It's nothing, I just told this shit to get the fuck off me, yet he remains…" I give him a pretty well-hidden wink and he breathes a sigh of relief as he gets comfortable again in his living chair, "You owe me one…" is what I whisper to the heisting bunny as Fluttershy takes her seat again. Thankfully she didn't hear me.

Scootaloo looks at the script she left on the floor before she wrestled her way out of the room and she kicks it across the room with a huff, "Guess I won't be needing that anymore…"

"Yer bein' ridiculous! We just need to practice some more." The cowfilly chides as she walks over to the script and nudges it open, "We'll just stay here all night if we have to."

"I told you, Apple Bloom, I'm just not gonna do it," Scootaloo angrily says as she turns her back to her, "I'm not going to make an embarrassment of myself in front of the whole town because I can't memorize it. I'm never going to learn the stupid lines in time…"

"You're just being hard on yourself, Scootaloo," Sweetie tries to comfort, "Maybe I can talk my sister about how she memorizes her lines for those fashion thingys she goes to. They're quite the mouth fulls too if I remember right…"

"Don't you get it! The play is in two days and I'm never going to be ready. The entire towns gonna laugh at me…" The small pegasus slumps down, "I'm just not gonna go…"

"Who are we supposed to find to replace ya then? They might cancel the play entirely if you don't go! You're one of the staring leads!" The cow filly nudges her friend with her snout, "Just stop bein' silly and start from the top again."

She crosses her arm leg things and scowls, "Then I guess it's going to be canceled then cause I'm not doing it!" She says again more resolute in her baby tantrum making cackle a little. She hears me and shoots me a nasty look, "What are you lauging at, monkey?!

"Oh, it's nothing, I just can't believe you're going to give up that easily, shrimp dick. One little hiccup and that's it?" I say to the orange filly and her glare deepens, "I wonder what your precious Rainbow Dash think when she hears you got this down syndrome play canceled for the whole town…" I sneer at her as she's almost at the top of my shitlist and I plan on verbally destroying her as I can't do it physically.

"It's not like that at all! I'm just not the filly for the job! Besides, it's way too mushy for her to care about it, banana lover." She adamantly shoots back.

I chuckle again, "Is that really what Rainbow's going to think when you don't show? That's called positive reinforcement and its bullshit. We both know the outcome to this and it's with a disappointed pegasus."

Her eyes widen some and she starts stuttering like she's starting to realize the gravity of the situation, "I-I-S-she'll understand! She'll have to! Right?"

"Of course, she will, Scootaloo, Rainbow won't do that to you," Fluttershy coos softly before giving me a soft glare, "Charlie is just being mean."

I shrug indifferently, "She says that, but you need to focus on what she willsay." I giggle as I begin operation T.E.A.R.S. with efficiency, "I can see your face now as you gaze upon the utter shame on the face of that Rainbow turd when you stand there and word vomit. Even if you don't show up that look will still be there when she sees your replacement or worse, yet the entire show doesn't happen. Probably won't talk to you anymore with whichever you choose to do either. Wouldn't want to be around an embarrassment is probably what she'll say, but if you think you know her then I'll take your word for it…" She tries her best to remain neutral, but some small tears start to form as I continue, "I mean, let's be honest here, why would the totally awesome Rainbow Dash want to hang out with someone as lame as you anyways?"

She sniffles before she runs out of the room and up the stairs in a hurry making me let out a satisfied sigh as I could taste the crushed hopes and dreams like they were skittles. The slam of a door a couple seconds later was just the icing on the cake as I cackle once more.

Sweetie Belle actually punches my kneecap, pretty hard too I might add, "Why did you say that to her?!"

I rub the area as I grimace, "Well, maybe if I can get her to stop sucking Rainbow's toes, she might be bearable." I scratch at Angel who was also looking at me like I fucked up too before I lean back, "Besides, I don't like her and I don't care about her fuckin' feelings either so who gives a shit."

"That was incredibly rude, Charlie." Fluttershy scolds, "What makes it worse is you did that on purpose."

I nod my head as if there was nothing wrong with that, "Yeah that about sums it up. Thanks for the recap there, champ, glad I know how it went down now."

"I'd ask you to go say you're sorry, but I know you'll never do it unfortunately." Fluttershy gives me a look again before she stares at the flight of steps the filly ran up with some worry, "Maybe I should go talk to her…"

Apple Bloom stops her from moving and she shakes her head, "It's best if we left her alone fer a second. She gets even more stubborn when she's upset, believe me. She'll come down eventually…" She shoots me a look too, "Though it could take a while after that."

"Where do I pick up my trophy? Or do they deliver it?" is what I bite back with making everyone in the room groan.

After that whole fiasco, the two remaining fillies decided to rehear their own lines for a change and let me tell you, the difference between them and that low drooped lip retard upstairs is like night and day. Sweetie Belle had already memorized her lines throughout the week, so she was on top of that shit like oil on a Domino's pepperoni pizza. Apple Bloom struggled a little bit in the beginning, but considering she hadn't read the script at all till today was actually pretty impressive and I'll tip my hat to her for that. It took her about an hour to get her lines all said and done which was leaps and bounds compared with that Megan Fox imitator from earlier.

Fluttershy still looked at the steps every now and again however, she took the young filly's advice and remained in her seat until she had to start lunch for the animals leaving me alone with the two bickering fillies.

"What if we tried being masseuses?" Sweetie Belle asks her 7th spitballed idea to her hick friend.

Apple Bloom sticks out her tongue in disgust, "Uh, Ah really don't want ta touch hooves if ah'm bein' honest… Yer ideas are gettin' worse and I thought being a flagpole was bad."

"Well, I don't see you coming with anything?" She huffs as she sits on the ground, "We almost tried everything under the sun and nothings working!"

"Have you tried getting lost?" I call out making the two look at me, "That could definitely work. Go give it a try, like right now…"

"What's up with you today?" Sweetie asks, "You're in even more of a bad mood than the other day and you were pretty upset that night too."

I sigh as I scratch my balls or try to as a sleeping Angel is sitting on top of them, "Has it ever dawned on you that I just don't like you and you make you make my day worse?"

"Yeah, but I don't think that's why your acting this way. So, what if you've got to watch us, it's not like you're doing anything else." She inquires again, "I still think something happened."

"And why on God's shit earth would you think that?" I ask pretty bored like.

"Cause of what you did for Ditzy." She states pretty assuredly making me pause.

"Ditzy?" Applebloom's face scrunches in what looks like confusion, "What does she have to do with anything?"

Sweeties face brightens, "Oh yeah! On wednesday we were making her a new hat when-" A small glass ornament that was resting on the end table was quickly thrown at her to shut her fuckin' pie hole. Unfortunately, I was indeed a tad short in my aim and it strikes the floor by her feet as it shatters into pieces, "Hey! What was that for?!"

"To stop you from spreading gossip like a fuckin' Sex in the City whore!" I scream back at her.

She huffs as she looks at the mess and looks at Apple Bloom, "He's really in a bad mood…"

"Ya think?!"

"Oh, shut the fuck up you two! You have no right to get all fuckin' uppity with me! You all wanted this so you could 'hang out' you fuckin' losers. Now get to work and clean that up, fuckwads! Hell, this might be your chance to be janitors and that cutie mark you so desperately want…" Is what I sneer sarcastically with.

"Huh! That's a pretty good idea, Charlie! Why didn't we think of that?" Apple Bloom excitedly exclaims. "Look! He even made a mess fer us!"

"Yeah! You know, that is a really good idea! Thanks, Charlie!" Sweetie Belle agrees as she completely forgot her previous comment. "How about I go find some cleaning supplies and you sweep this glass up!"

"No that's not what I-"

"Shoot! We could clean the entire house too while we're at it just to be thorough!" She looks at her unicorn friend and gives her a sly smile, "If you're even up for it. Ah don't need some lazy hooves to get in the way of my cutie mark."

Sweetie Belle looked offended by the comment, "What do you take me for! A Charlie?!"

I sigh as I rest my head into my hands, "My name is a sort of slur now in pony tongue? Just fuckin' wonderful. Get fuck off me, rabbit," I get up making Angle hop out of lap in a yelped hurry and brush off my pants of his incredibly displeasing white fur that had accumulated on my crotch, "I'm going to go take a Spike in the bathroom then… Get out of my way."

With that I leave the two fillies in the living room as they started a closet of its brooms and dustpans with a sort of energy that makes my stomach turn. I just plundering those two at all. They dedicate so much of their day to that stupid fuckin' gumball machine tattoo that they can't see the wider picture. Who gives a fuck what gives you a damn mark, just do what you like doing. It's not fuckin' rocket science.

As I get to the stairs, I turn once more to see the two sweeping at the glass when Sweetie accidentally knocks into Angel's end table, and it falls over along with everything that was sitting atop it. The rabbit starts squeaking in what I imagine are small mammal slurs towards the ponies as he shakes an angry fist at them. I snort at the sight and make my way upstairs towards the bathroom to drop that Spike I mentioned earlier. Hell, might even be a messy Flash with the way my insides are growling.

When I come upon the bathroom door shut, I just barge in without knocking to see that fat fuck raccoon sitting on the toilet with a magazine in hand. We look at each other with an awkward silence before he covers his 'privates' with the book and screams like a woman in her intamates and throws a brush at me, but I manage to shut the door back in time as I hear it bang on the other side.

"Sorry! Asshole…" I mutter as I then step back and lean against the wall parallel with the door to wait for the shit to finish so I can shit.

That fuckin' raccoon can go fuckin' eat a dick for all I care. If you thought Angel was spoiled brat, wait until you see this shit in action. He steals all the food he can and then he looks at you like you're in trespassing in his house. The fuck, dude! This isn't a charity you fuck! Well, it's kind of is, but you get my point. His names Smoky I think, but when I asked Fluttershy about it she kind of just shrugged like she didn't know either and let him continue to eat cottage cheese out of a tub on the kitchen table. He had a spoon, bib, and a wine glass filled with grape juice to boot. Even lit a candle too… Fuckin' freak.

As I stood there, I impatiently stared at my broken watch like it'd make time go by faster. It didn't as my stomach growled some more. Fuckin' Spike! That shit didn't wash his hands before he made those pancakes! After about 3 minutes that felt like 300, I walked a little way down the hallway to see if I couldn't find another bathroom somewhere else and I barge into another room that appeared to be a master bedroom.

This must be Fluttershy's room. I don't have much to say about it other than the birds' nests all nestled on the structural low hanging beams of the house and the unlit fireplace. The bed was like a queen I guess with butterfly decorated covers and had a trunk in in front of it. On an end table was a picture of what looked like a younger Fluttershy with two others which I'm sure are her parents.

Is there a toilet in here I can destroy? I quick scan around and I see a door cracked open and I see tile letting me know that it is a fuckin' lavatory indeed. I'm going to go leave her a present in there. Tis the holidays and all…

As I glide towards it, I somewhat slow my pace as I get closer as some sounds inside clues me in that it's not empty. The sound in question is some soft weeping and I immediately know who the fuck is in there. Oh well, I have to shit and she's gotta get out of there. Even though my bathroom needs are sorta important I still quietly walk closer and peer in. It's the least I could do after barging in on Smoky.

Scootaloo was standing on a stool as she looked at herself in the mirror with a tearyed eyed glare. "What's the matter with you?!" She sniffs as she tries to compose herself, "He's an idiot! He doesn't know what he's talking about. Rainbow Dash loves you and your awesomeness, and she always will!" Her look falters some as the facade starts to fall, "B-but… What if he's right? What if she doesn't want to even look in my direction anymore! What will I do then? I'll have to leave town and change my name! Then I'll be usurped from her fanclub and Snips will take my place as leader! Snips of all ponies! Oh, what am I gonna do…" She breaks down into tears again and crumbles onto the counter.

I suppose this would be about the time I break down the door and kick her when she couldn't be any lower, but I don't do it. Instead, I watch her sob with a blank look and some actual pity starts to come out of me. She's just a kid who doesn't know any better. God knows what I was doing at her age and I sure as shit didn't think about it. Yeah, she's annoying, but she just wants to prove herself to her hero iw all…

We both know all about that, don't we, Charlie…?

A silent sigh escapes me as the thought burrows its way into my skull making me take a small step back and after a tortuously long moment, I knock on the door. I hear the filly gasp out of her cries and then the water from the faucet sink quickly runs with some faint splashing. When she turns the water off, I hear the clops of her hooves as they get closer to the door and eventually her head pops out to see who had come to check on her. Her newly wet face was her attempt to hide the crying, but her eyes showed all the signs.

Her look hardens when she sees me for obvious reasons, "What do you want?" When I don't give her an answer after a moment she sneers as she goes to shut the door, "Whatever, freak, I don't have time fo-" My fucked boot wedges between the door and the frame and she looks back up at me, "Didn't you hear me?! I said, I have something I have to do so let go?!"

She struggles to push my foot out of the way as I watch her silently. I was debating whether or not to go ahead with what I was going to say or to just leave it alone. My look softens a little more when she starts punching the boot without much success and some more tears start to form.

"Why can't you just leave me alone!?" She says between hits, "Do you have fun making us all feel bad all the time, you jerk!?"

She continues her assault for some time until she tires herself out and she falls back huffing with short breathes allowing me to softly kick open the door fully and I stare down at her with that same furrowed look.

When she catches her breath back a little, she looks up at me and scowls, "Well, what are you waiting for? Go ahead and tear me down some more." She looks down defeated, "That's why you're here right? To finish what you started downstairs?"

I blink at her before I finally sigh, "Actually I was here to take a shit, but something else came up."

She laughs tiredly, "Well, whatever it is, I hope it makes you miserable." When I don't immediately give back an answer, she looks back up at me still not understanding my intentions, "Why are you here then? What do you want?"

I squat down so that I was at her level. Scootaloo was more than wary of what I was going to do and my face twists some before I finally speak again, "You want to remember your lines or not?"

She blinks at me, "W-what?"

"I said, do you want to remember your lines?" I repeat without a hint of malice or contempt. "I think I know how to help you out."

She looks around like she doesn't understand the question, "Is… Is this a trick? Are you playing a prank on me?"

"No tricks, no pranks, no fuckin' games." She still looks unsure as she sniffles, "You want to nail this role, right?"

"Y-yes! Yes, I do, but I don't get how you're going to help me with that." She blinks like she just realized what she just said, "And why are you going to help me?!"

I shrug, "I don't know boredom I guess?" I look around the bathroom again and sigh, "Do you want my help or not?"

She looks down at the floor like she was thinking before she stared up at me, "What, uh… what did you have in mind?"

I smirk at her, "Just a little trick I used a long ass time ago." I stand up and hold my stomach which growls again, "But first things first I have to squeeze out a Celestia so get the fuck out of here." She steps out of the bathroom and looks back at me like she still doesn't comprehend what just happened.

Before I shut the door, I hear her ask me something, "What's the real reason?"

I open the door a little and look down at her knowing just what she meant, "You remind me of someone a long time ago..."

With that I shut the door for a bit of privacy and time to think as I don't have my phone to watch some videos.

Have I mentioned I miss TV yet?