Already Home

by Chase'sGirl19

Harry takes the death of his Godfather very hard to the point where Petunia has no choice but to contact Dumbledore for help. Dumbledore sends Snape to check on Harry and finds that the boy is not only depressed but suicidal and abused. Meanwhile Remus Lupin goes missing from his mission for the Order. SeverusXRemus and HarryXGinny shippings Mentions of cutting, suicide, and abuse

34. And I'm Saying Goodbye

Chapter Thirty-Four - And I'm Saying Goodbye

A/N: Not a new chapter, just separating one chapter into two. People are saying my chapters are too long and that is why I've been splitting them. Sorry for any confusions.

After dropping Harry off at the Burrow, Severus had found a note from Madam Pomfrey on his office desk stating that Remus had woken up while he and Harry were at the beach, and that he was okay and resting in his office, which was requested. Just by reading that, Severus knew Madam Pomfrey didn't approve of Remus' early release. Remus must've been quite charming towards her and stubborn, to get the matron to let him leave the hospital wing so early. Yet, Madam Pomfrey always had a soft spot for Remus, Severus could tell, and he couldn't blame her. Remus Lupin was very charming in his own quiet and humbled way. Severus snorted with half amusement and half-exasperation at these thoughts for thinking of Remus that way. What happened to Remus being an enemy? Typical werewolf sneaking his way into Severus' good graces.

And yet, Severus was very relieved at the news of Remus' recovery from the full-moon changes and from fighting with Greyback, it wasn't an easy one. Once Remus completed his change from wolf to man, it reopened all of his wounds. Madam Pomfrey had to close them back up and Remus fell unconscious from loss of blood, from the pain, and just full-on exhaustion. He was completely out for about a day until he'd started waking up, but he was always delirious from the amount of medical potions that Madam Pomfrey had running through his system. Remus was in so much pain with barely any strength, yet strangely and thankfully, his wounds had healed at a fast rate. Much faster than they unusually did, but Severus and Madam Pomfrey hadn't dwelled too much on that, only guessing that perhaps the cause of it was due to the wounds being from a werewolf on werewolf fight during the full-moon. And everytime Remus awoke, Severus and Madam Pomfrey would put him back to sleep with a Dreamless Sleep Potion, just to spare him from the pain and uncomfortableness of the fast-paced healing.

Severus wondered if he should pay Remus a visit, see how he was doing. It really would be a relief to see him lucid and back on his feet, to have a conversation with him… Severus' stomach fluttered with nervous butterflies when he was reminded of their last, very brief conversation they had shared just before Remus fell into his coma. He remembered the way those exhausted and pain-filled hazel-green eyes locked onto him, and how they had made him feel… Severus felt his whole body heat up and he put the note down, deciding to take a shower. What would he even say to Remus if Severus did decide to visit him?

After his shower, Severus dressed in his usual black pants and chose a white flowing shirt with a charcoal-grey vest over it. He'd decided to do without the heavy black robes since the late summer heat was still flowing in through the enchanted windows of his quarters. And once Severus was finished dressing, he stepped out of his room and found himself not knowing what to do. His lesson plans were all ready for the week, and the potions for them were all either done or were simmering until the next steps for completion.

His quarters were quiet, Severus realized as he sat down in his favorite arm-chair. Very quiet and empty, just like how it used to be before Harry arrived this summer.

Has it always been this…this lonely?

Before Severus could ponder on that, he spied Harry's favorite book on the coffee table, Quidditch Through the Ages. Harry had forgotten to pack it, he would probably miss it on the train….

And thinking about his son, Severus realized why everything was feeling so strange, why he felt like something was missing. In the past couple of months Harry had filled his quarters with his presence, his chaotic and fun energy to his quiet company… From running around Severus' quarters after his practice snitch to reading his favorite book on the sofa. Even the arguments they had, the Potions lessons Severus had given him, playing chess after dinner and the conversations they'd shared… Harry had brought Severus' quarters to life, he'd turned them into a home… And now, Severus was starting to feel as if…as if he didn't like living alone anymore… His quarters were just so quiet and empty, but he used to like it that way….

How did this happen?

Severus was used to living alone, he'd never minded it… He was never lonely… And after fifteen years of it, why now all of a sudden?

Severus' eyes fell on the book again, maybe he was just missing his kid's company, that had to be it… Severus was an introvert at heart… He hated being around people, he was used to being alone, and with that last thought, Severus picked up the book and decided to take it to Gryffindor tower and leave it on Harry's bed, that way he'll find it tomorrow night. There was no way an owl would ever reach the Burrow in the morning.

.

.

Once Severus left the book on Harry's bed, he had no destination in mind so he took his time going back down to the dungeons, stepping on moving staircases and not paying any attention to what floors they took him to. The castle was quiet, but not exactly like his quarters. The quiet in the corridors didn't feel lonely, more like in a peaceful way. And regretfully, by this time tomorrow, the peace would be disturbed by the annoying sounds and chatter of teenagers.

Fucking hell… Severus really hated teenagers, except for his son of course... "Merlin, help me get through another year of teaching those dunderheads…" Severus muttered to himself, his footsteps echoing behind him.

When Severus was a teenager himself, he'd never thought he would end up as a Hogwarts professor. He hated this school, he hated being stuck in it. It was supposed to be home, a magical place to be himself and find people he felt like he could connect with, but James Potter and Sirius Black ruined it all for Severus. And he had lost Lily here. This was where their friendship deteriorated and they grew apart. Severus had felt so alone and lost in this bloody castle. And now every time he would walk the halls of the castle, echoes of the past tugged at him, triggering him….

Severus loved the art of Potion making, but brewing and practicing in the art versus teaching it to children who didn't care for it nor appreciated it, were two different things. Severus was tired of wasting his time, wasting what little of his life he had left as a fucking Potions Professor for Albus Dumbledore. But at the time, it was the only way to serve him, the only way to make up for the most horrible thing Severus had ever done, leading the Dark Lord towards the Potters' deaths. And the only way out was the Defense Against the Dark Arts position. As long as Severus had lived in this castle, as a student for seven years, then for fifteen years as a professor, not one professor could hold that position for more than a year. That position was Severus' way out, an end to Severus wasting away here, but Albus denied his application every single time… But somehow, wanting that position didn't matter anymore and Severus wasn't sure why, but he figured it was because of Albus' task. Severus had a feeling that this may be his last year of teaching and instead of being happy about it, he was sort of feeling pessimistic about it… Albus' death was not what he wanted to be as his ticket out.

What would happen to himself once Albus Dumbledore was dead? What would happen to him when the war was over and the prophecy full-filled and somehow everything went according to plan, and by some fucking miracle, Severus made it out alive, to the other side of the bloody war and he somehow didn't end up in Azkaban, what would he do? Would he be able to resume his normal life again as a Hogwarts professor? Dread heavily filled him at the thought of being here until he grew old and died, then becoming a fucking ghost like Professor Binns… Severus shuddered at the horror of that future. He'll rather just fucking die in the war… He was done with teaching.

Perhaps he could just retire and devote his life to researching and experimenting on potion brews, just like his mother. He'd always enjoyed watching her and helping her. Maybe he could finish some of her unfinished projects. Maybe he could sell Spinner's End. Maybe he could write a better and updated version of Advanced Potion-Making.

Severus suddenly shook those thoughts from his head.

His future was too uncertain to even consider any of that. He was being ridiculous to even daydream about it. Severus was so certain of the possibility of him not surviving the war, not with his dangerous position in it. Especially once he'll complete Albus' task, there was certainly no way that Severus would ever come out of that safely and live a normal life after that.

But the image of that impossible and distant future….

Living somewhere that wasn't Hogwarts or Spinner's End, spending his days rewriting that book or researching his own experiments and finishing some of his mother's own….

A future with visits from Remus Lupin… Severus felt himself blush, his stomach leaping in his throat… And Harry, watching him grow into a young man with dreams and a life of his own….

That perfect future… It made Severus' heart beat with longing and it stayed with him in the back of his mind, a bittersweet and an impossible dream.

Through the high windows, Severus could see the sun starting to descend, casting long shadows on the stone floor. He walked through them, wondering if Harry was having a pleasant time at the Burrow with his friends. Harry deserved to have a carefree night before having to deal with whatever challenges the new school year may bring him. The boy certainly had a knack for getting himself into trouble at Hogwarts. Severus almost shook his head with disapproval at all the trouble Harry had gotten himself into during the past five years.

And Severus wondered… He wondered how….

At the beginning of the summer, when the task of watching over Harry seemed so impossible, the times when Severus felt so overwhelmed, especially after all of their terrible arguments. When he had felt like this was too much of a task to take on, and he'd felt like Harry was too far out of his reach….

How did it get easier all of a sudden? When did he start to feel like he could do this?

Somehow Severus found the strength, the endurance and the heart to get through to Harry and help him with his depression that was so dark and so deep, Harry had almost taken his own life more than once… And somehow through it all, Severus managed to hold onto Harry…not letting him go….

Maybe it was because when Severus was Harry's age, he was just as lost and in pain as Harry was.

Severus was reminded of that when he had found Harry that early morning.

And Severus remembered that morning, remembered how annoyed he was at Albus for forcing him to take time out of his summer holidays to travel to Privet Drive on the word of Petunia Dursley, to check on the wellbeing of his most hated and annoying student. But then all that irritation, all of the dislike and grudges he had towards Harry Potter, it had all faded away at the sound of that voice full of pain and fear, at the sight of those scars and cuts on Harry's arm, and the way those green eyes were so dark and deep with hurt… They weren't Lily's eyes that morning, bright and dancing with mischief, nor Harry's own, always full of defiance and trouble when he'd always looked at Severus… No, they were… Well, it was like looking in a mirror for Severus… A reflection of his past self… Those green eyes that morning, they were Severus' own at sixteen, lost and in pain, with no one to turn to for help.

Was that why Severus held on?

During the time when Lily was no longer speaking to Severus, she had given up on him… And Severus couldn't fault her for that. He deserved it, he really did deserve for her to turn her back on him. Severus was horrible to her. He remembered their last big fight. Right after she'd defended Severus against Sirius Black and James Potter, Severus was so angry and humiliated that before he knew it, the word mudblood slipped out. Severus had waited hours in the corridor outside Gryffindor tower, waiting for Lily, to talk to her, to apologize, and when she finally did take pity on him, she told him their friendship was over. She was giving up on him and those words tipped Severus over the edge.

At sixteen, Severus lost his best friend for good. At sixteen, Albus mistrusted Severus, as most of the professors and students did at the time. He'd surrounded himself with the darkest crowds of Slytherins who were destined to become Death Eaters, followers of a new Dark Lord rising. His father was as abusive as ever during the summer between his sixth and seventh year. Severus had come home to the news of his mother's death months earlier and he hadn't even known… That had broken him. His only protector, the only one still on his side, was gone.

At sixteen, Severus found himself alone, and during that period in his life, joining the Dark Lord's ranks had seemed like the only way to fit in.

None of them knew Severus was a half-blood. He had kept that part of himself secret. Made himself a part of their group, and with them, no one bullied him or made him feel less than as if he were nothing better than a flobber worm. With them, people were afraid of Severus, he was powerful. No one laughed at him nor humiliated him anymore. Even Black and Potter had started leaving him alone. Severus had finally felt like he belonged and they'd made him feel like he had potential. It was more than what Albus Dumbledore had ever given him at Hogwarts or his father.

But now, looking back on that dark time of his life, Severus hated the past version of himself…so easily influenced and swayed by the dark side. Anything for power, to fit it, to belong… Severus didn't care how alone and in pain he was back then… He should've been stronger… That was all Lily had wanted from him… How could Severus have ever let himself get mixed in with the Dark Lord and his followers? How could he have ever believed in blood superiority and all the other sick and twisted beliefs of the Dark Lord? Severus realized with his stomach churning with disgust, that maybe deep down inside, he'd never really did believe all that shit.

On some of Severus' first Death Eater raids, he would see the sick shit the Lestranges, Lucius Malfoy, and the others would do to muggles and half-bloods and any witch or wizard who didn't have a pure magical bloodline. Sometimes, if Severus was able to, he would avoid joining in…sometimes he couldn't. And at the end of the night he would go back to Spinner's End, a complete and utter mess…nightmares…throwing up…

Severus shivered at his most darkest and cruelest memories.

No, Severus never fully believed any of that blood superiority, it wasn't the reason why he'd joined the Dark Lord's ranks. Severus had joined them simply because it seemed like the most easiest and cowardly way to die.

Just like Harry at sixteen, Severus wanted to kill himself… And that was what made Severus hold on to him… He desperately didn't want to lose Harry that way.

But now, all of that was over. Harry was going to be okay. The chain had broken. And Severus was a different person now… And Lily, she never got the chance to see that, to meet this new version of himself. The thought of Severus' dearest childhood friend, her loss… Lily tore at Severus' heart every time he thought of her….

Suddenly, Severus had to stop walking. His head was spinning. He couldn't take in air. His chest was feeling tight and he could feel his heart beating painfully against his rib cage.

He moved to one of the windows to calm himself down, leaning on the ledge and peering out to see the dark forest and Hagrid's hut. He busied himself with observing the view, distracting himself, feeling his heartbeat resuming its normal pace… The gamekeeper was out in the garden. Fang's nose was to the earth. And Severus focused on that…until he could breathe again…and the pain inside wasn't so intense….

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.

Once he was calm again and the brief panic attack had faded away, Severus turned his attention back to the corridor he was in and he felt his heart leap in his throat when he realized where he was.

It was the spot he had found Harry just weeks ago, unconscious and in a puddle of his own blood. The nail, covered in blood and gleaming in the shadows. Severus felt the blinding fear that had consumed him that day. The ache of failure in his heart. The shock of finding Harry like that, and realizing the kid he was holding in his arms as he raced him to the hospital wing, was his son… He'd realized the love he had for Harry… And Severus failed him that day, but not anymore. Even though Severus knew Harry's self-harm would always be with him, he'll have his relapses, but Severus would get him through it. He'll try his fucking hardest until he couldn't anymore, and that was where Remus would step in. No matter what, Harry was going to be okay, he wasn't going to be alone like Severus was at that age. Severus was going to make sure of that even during the war and after, no matter what happens… Even if he couldn't physically be around….

Severus turned his attention back to the window, to the sky that was full of orange and pink clouds caused by the setting sun disappearing over the treetops… And Severus found himself praying to Lily, just hoping with all of his being that she was listening….

Lily, I'm hoping that you can hear me… I'm hoping you know that I've sold my soul to Albus Dumbledore to keep the promise I've made to you… I'm hoping that you can see how much I've changed, I'm not that lost kid anymore…

Severus paused, taking a deep breath, trying to gather his thoughts. His eyes still watching the long shadows of the trees casted on the lawn.

It had been several years of Lily and Severus not speaking to each other ever since that day. Years of them growing apart, becoming strangers to each other until Severus couldn't remember what made himself visit Lily at St. Mungos the day after Harry was born. He remembered his shy hesitation at the door, the way Lily looked before she'd noticed his arrival, exhausted but happy and content as she held her sleeping newborn son close to her. Severus wasn't afraid of running into Potter or his friends, he could handle them, but to his relief that day, Lily was alone.

And Severus remembered the look of surprise brightening up her face when she'd spotted him at the door, and his heart had squeezed painfully at the fact that there wasn't any fear in her. She was genuinely shocked and happy to see Severus after so many years apart. And she wasn't even afraid, even though Lily had every right to be. At nineteen, Severus was in deep with the wrong sort of crowd. He already had the Dark Mark etched freshly into his skin. But Lily had no fear, her green eyes only swam with tears as they spoke to each other, carefully catching up on each other's lives, yet not revealing any important information… It was too dangerous… And Severus, he'd tried apologizing for calling her that awful name, but Lily didn't let him, only stating that the past was the past.

That day, as Severus held Harry for the very first time, Lily asked him to keep a promise for her. A promise Severus took to the heart and kept it close. The promise that was at the center of his guilt and his grief over her death. She told him about the two times she and James had barely escaped death from the Dark Lord, how they somehow kept finding themselves in his path. She feared the chances of it happening again, especially after the death of Potter's family. Severus hadn't known what to say about any of that, except that he was sorry. He had been there during the attack on Potter Manor, and he'd actually felt bad for the sight that Potter would be greeted with… Then Lily made Severus promise… A promise that Severus wasn't sure at first if he was ever going to be able to keep… If anything should happen to her and James and the Marauders, if they were all gone, then Severus should watch over her son. To protect him from going to her sister's care, to make sure he didn't grow up alone.

And oh, Severus failed her so many times over. The first failure being the one of Severus accidentally overhearing the prophecy and then telling it to the Dark Lord. He had no idea that Harry Potter could be one of the boys the prophecy might refer to… And the consequences of that… It had broken him… Broke him so deeply, beyond repair… Severus could never be that naive, power-hungry, desperate to belong, stupidly and helplessly in love with his best friend, school boy ever again.

And so broken it left him, that when he'd learned that Harry had gone to Petunia Dursley's care… He knew he'd failed Lily again, but he'd figured the kid was better off with Petunia than him, a murderer…an ex Death Eater. Lily died because of him, no way would she ever want him watching over her son now… At least the kid would be safe… Severus had really believed that at the time. He had never imagined the possibility of Harry being abused by Lily's sister and her husband. Severus knew Petunia was a piece of work, but he had still never imagined just how fully horrible she was capable of being.

No wonder Lily was so concerned about her son going into her sister's care. Severus failed her, utterly failed her….

After years passed and Harry had finally stepped foot into Hogwarts as a first year, Severus had realized that he couldn't escape that promise he'd made to Lily when Albus made Severus promise him the same thing. To watch over Harry through his time at Hogwarts. And so Severus agreed, but not for Albus, never for that barmy old headmaster. It was a second chance to make things right between him and Lily. To give his promise to her another try, protect and watch over her son. It was always for Lily… But not anymore… That promise wasn't just Lily's, it was to himself… A promise he made to himself and to Harry. And this time, Severus intended to keep it.

What Severus couldn't understand was how that day in the hospital, Lily hadn't turned him away like she should have. She had even allowed him to hold her newborn son. She'd welcomed Severus back into her life without any question. It was way more than what Severus had deserved at nineteen. Lily had still loved him, and Severus… He should've gone on his knees and begged Lily for her forgiveness, for every horrible thing that he'd done. For how he had treated her. He should've begged on his knees. He wasn't worthy of Lily's acceptance, her forgiveness or her love. He should've changed sides at that very moment. Maybe then that would've saved Lily and she could've raised Harry, not Petunia Dursley.

Why didn't I change sides that day?! Fuck! And angry at his past self, Severus tried shaking the memory away, but it was stuck on him….

And Severus' heart broke. He felt it break apart in a million pieces when he realized why Lily hadn't turned him away that day. Why she wasn't afraid, why she'd let Severus hold Harry and tied him down with a promise. Because even though when they were sixteen and she'd told him she was giving up on him, Lily never did. She probably couldn't no matter how much she'd felt like she needed to. Lily was beautiful inside and out, and she had held onto Severus. After all those years of being strangers towards each other, after learning all of Severus' terrible deeds as a new Death Eater, when Severus had walked into Lily's room that day, she hadn't seen any of that… She had only seen her best friend… Severus hadn't known that back then… Severus never knew…until now…that she'd held on, had never given up on him….

Warm tears slid down Severus' cheeks. "Fuck!" he shouted, and wiped them away quickly.

I wish you were here so I can just talk to you! You saved me, Lils, and I'm sorry it had to be your death that did it. I was so stupid, Lily…so fucking stupid. Would you ever forgive me for everything I've done?

More traitorous tears slid down Severus' cheeks, heavy and warm, and Severus angrily wiped them away again.

And do you even know about Albus' absurd plan on having me kill him? Harry is going to fucking lose it if I should follow through…but I'm going to have to do it. Albus is convinced it's the only way, the beginning stages to the end of this war… I don't have a choice… If there is the smallest chance of Harry making it through the war…

Severus paused in his prayer, watching Hagrid go back into his hut. The sky grew a bit darker, yet the sun's rays were still covering the sky with pink and orange clouds. A thin trail of smoke was coming from Hagrid's chimney.

That's the main goal, isn't it? For Albus, for you and me? That is why I so desperately need you right now because you're going to be the only one who will know my true intentions once Albus' task is done. You're the only one that will still see the good in me… So please, please give me a sign that you're listening. Please give me your blessing on what I have to do, because I know when the time comes and I have to point my wand at Albus, I may not have the strength. You will need to remind me why and who I'm doing this for….

Severus stopped, unable to go on anymore, just hoping with every fiber in his being, with all of his fucking beating heart, that Lily heard his prayer. He still couldn't get over the fact that for those years of not speaking to each other, that Lily had never given up on him even though she said she was… She had kept a hold on Severus from a distance, loved him and waited for him to come back to his senses from a distance…waited for Severus to come to her.

.

.

Severus pushed himself away from the windowsill and began to aimlessly walk through the castle, still lost in his musings about his lost childhood friend until he was pulled out of them by a melody that sounded so enchantingly beautiful.

Severus stopped walking. The melody was haunting and filled with a special kind of grief, as if the notes were telling a story about a lost lover… Of having to let them go… A special kind of bravery… A familiar story Severus knew all too well… Is this what Lily had felt?

Glancing around the corridor, Severus realized he was now in the Defense Against the Dark Arts wing, and the music was coming from behind a portrait door that was slightly open, a certain portrait door that Severus kept finding himself in front of lately.

And despite the entranced state the music was causing him to be in, Severus still couldn't help but wonder why Remus would leave his office door open. Most of the Hogwarts staff were residing in the castle again, meaning any of them could just walk in while Remus was obviously having a private moment… And Severus realized he was being that person, intruding on Remus and his muggle instrument, but now that he was standing here in front of Remus' door, Severus couldn't turn back.

He felt his stomach suddenly clenching with nerves, making him feel like he was going to be sick. His legs were suddenly going numb and Severus had no idea how he was still standing. His hands trembled at the thought of pushing that door open further. His head was spinning and his heart was skipping beats.

And Severus thought about that early, early morning, just after Remus changed back into his human body, before Remus had fallen into his deep slumber for the past few days, medicated on so many medical potions to help heal his wounds. That heart-stopping moment when they'd both made eye-contact and in that very instant, that very moment, Severus had felt himself falling. He'd felt himself falling and he was so fucking scared, and somehow…somehow Severus had forced himself to still speak to Remus that early dawn, as if everything inside of Severus wasn't feeling all weird and floaty and topsy-turvy, like he wasn't about to be sick from all of those feelings.

Severus remembered the way his heart was beating so loudly in his ears that morning as he'd pulled himself together enough to tell Remus that he didn't hate him, those were just hurtful words that Severus had spat out in anger. And he remembered Remus' voice, full of pain and so weak from the injuries he'd received from Greyback, then the injuries opening up again from his full-moon change from wolf to man… And Remus had still managed to smile and assisted for Severus to call him Remus… And in those hazel-green eyes, Severus knew that Remus knew what was going on inside of him. Remus must've seen it in Severus' eyes or heard it in his voice or perhaps he'd noticed the way Severus' whole body was shaking.

Severus was falling…falling…falling… And he was so fucking scared. More scared than he'd ever been in his life, and that was saying something because in the past, Severus had found himself in some pretty dire and life-threatening situations… Nothing should be scarier than that… But falling for Remus Lupin was, and he didn't know what it was. Could it be just a huge crush? Could it be love? Whatever it was, Severus couldn't stop it. He suddenly felt like he needed to sit down, he was so fucking dizzy and warm, trapped in a full body blush. What if this was all one-sided like Lily? Remus had already made it clear that he wasn't interested. Severus really didn't know if he could go through that again… But could he? Would he?

And so Severus stood in front of that portrait door for just a moment, stuck, not sure what to do….

Then suddenly the music stopped, and Severus found himself disappointed yet it brought him back to his senses. The spell was broken. Would Remus even want Severus in his office right now? That melody he was playing, it sounded so raw and emotional. Obviously this was private… Severus should turn away and he almost did, but then he wondered again why the portrait door was kept slightly open.

No, I should leave… Severus stepped back, shaking his curiosity away and deciding quickly that he should quietly step away before he was seen or heard. Werewolves could hear a bit better than the average human. How humiliating would it be if Remus were to find Severus here… Just because Severus was starting to have feelings for Remus, didn't mean he should act on them. How silly and childish he was being, like a love-struck teenager. Severus bloody hated teenagers. Besides, Remus had stated before that he was still hung up on Sirius Black… Severus reminded himself that. Remus had no interest in starting anything with Severus at all. This was just another one-sided crush, and well, even though that caused him a great deal of hurt and longing, so achingly familiar… Severus knew he had to respect Remus' wish.

Then before Severus could take another step back, Remus' voice echoed from inside his office…

"I don't feel you anymore, Sirius. What are you trying to tell me? Is this your sign? To let you rest in peace. To let you go? Do you want me to give up on you?"

Severus heard the crack of grief and hurt in Remus' voice, so raw, and yet, there was a touch of bravery, of resignation, of acceptance to do just that… To let Black go… Severus marveled at that, knowing Remus went through hell and back this summer after he'd lost Black… Remus had pushed Severus away for Sirius Black… And now, Remus was considering letting his memory and his pain for the loss of his ex-lover go?

Severus couldn't help but look up to Remus for having the courage and the strength to do that just months after Black's death, whereas Severus was never able to let go of his own unbearable guilt and grief for Lily. He was just wallowing in his feelings over her just moments ago, before he found himself in front of Remus' office door. But that was the person Severus was… A person who held grudges, held onto pain, never able to let it go, letting it fester and throb inside him… Never letting go… Severus never had the courage to… Not like Remus Lupin, who was so brave to do it. How could Severus have ever thought of the werewolf as a coward? Remus Lupin, whom Severus had once despised, now no longer… He was a hundred times more braver than Severus could ever be. And maybe…maybe Severus could try… Maybe it was time for him to let go as well, be brave in the same way Remus was brave… Letting go of Black… Letting go of Lily….

Severus toyed with the idea in his mind. He wanted to let Lily go, he really wanted to, but he couldn't… He was a Slytherin after all, and Remus was a Gryffindor. He would always be braver than Severus. A shining knight in armor, a golden boy to Severus' darkness, always a villain… An ex Death Eater… Severus was turning away from the door when the memory of Lily or more like her presence flashed through him, so raw and searing hot. She went through his heart and his lungs and his head, his entire soul, stopping Severus in his tracks.

What the fuck was that?!

Then Remus began to play the melody again, but this time it sounded as if he were playing with a strong confidence. The notes started off slow at first, and they were still filled with a grief so raw and fresh and full of resignation, acceptance… Severus could imagine feathery and light, yet confident fingers dancing on the strings of Black's old muggle instrument. Then to Severus' surprise, Remus began to sing, softly and hesitant at first, then his voice grew stronger as if he believed in the words he was singing aloud wholeheartedly.

Severus had forgotten how beautiful Remus' voice was. How it entranced him as if it were a spell, Remus' spell… And he was suddenly thinking about those golden eyes in the field which he couldn't stop dreaming about. That kiss they'd shared in Black's room after Remus had sung in front of Severus for the first time… Severus' hands shook at the memory of those soft lips on his own. After that, everything had changed, Severus was no longer the same… He was enchanted by Remus Lupin.

"Say something I'm giving up on you

I'll be the one if you want me to

Anywhere I would've followed you

Say something I'm giving up on you…"

Remus' voice cracked with pain on that last note. Severus heard it, he felt it…

"And I'm feeling so small

It was over my head

I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall

I'm still learning to love

Just starting to crawl…"

Lily's voice rang in his head: Say something, anything to what you've called me in front of everyone! Nothing can change it! I'm giving up on you, Severus! I'm done with you! Their last argument before they became strangers….

What a strange coincidence… Severus wondered. For Remus to use the same words for his song….

And before Severus knew what he was doing, he stepped forward and slowly and quietly pushed open the portrait door. He stayed in the doorway, the flames in the fireplace and from the lanterns around the room caused flickering shadows. The sky outside the large window in the corner was darker. An empty wine bottle was on the wide window-sill. Remus didn't notice Severus coming in. He was sitting behind his desk, his body at an angle so that his face was turned away from Severus, looking down at the strings he was strumming, his golden and gray fringe covering his eyes.

"Say something, I'm giving up on you

I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you

Anywhere, I would've followed you

Say something, I'm giving up on you…"

And suddenly, Severus realized he could hear Lily singing along with Remus. It was so easy to imagine her standing over him, her voice mingling with Remus' own, as one….

An imagination so vivid… It felt so real. Could this be the sign Severus had prayed for? Was it really Lily's presence that he'd felt go through him just now? Was Lily showing him what she had felt all those years ago? How much it had hurt her to tell them those exact words: I'm giving up on you! To give up on being his friend, give up on trying to be there for him, and only love Severus from a distance, wait for him to change and come to her on his own. Or was this a sign from Lily for Severus to let go of her memory, let go of his pain and guilt over being the cause of her death after fifteen years? What was she trying to tell him?

"And I will swallow my pride

You're the one that I love

And I'm saying goodbye…"

And not wanting to startle Remus out of his gut-wrenching song, Severus stayed where he was and only listened as he felt himself doing the one thing he was too scared to do out in the corridor just moments ago, and that was letting Lily go.

"Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you

And anywhere, I would've followed you…"

Letting it all go… His pain, his grief, his guilt over her death. The need to isolate himself as punishment for what he had done… The loneliness of it…for fifteen years… To just let it all go and allow himself to be happy, to let himself be selfish for once and choose to enjoy his own life with Harry as his new son, no matter what kind of future the war may bring them… To let himself fall for Remus Lupin, to not be afraid of his feelings, just let it all happen, let someone new in… Just let the future play out and see where it takes him… And let Lily go… Let her go, the girl with the bright-green fire in her eyes.

"Oh oh oh oh say something, I'm giving up on you…"

The girl who saved his life… Who never in the end, gave up on him….

And it was okay to be happy again without any guilt… Okay to remember her fondly without any pain….

And those thoughts passing through Severus' head, they felt very strange as if they didn't belong in his head.

"Say something, I'm giving up on you…"

As the song drew to a close, Severus knew that feeling was correct… He just knew that those weren't his own thoughts, that it really was Lily's spirit in his head. Giving him the sign he had pleaded for. And somehow, he knew… He just knew that Remus was seeing Sirius Black, perhaps even hearing his own voice singing along, just as Severus was seeing and hearing Lily.

"Say something..."

Remus drew the song to a close.

Severus watched him strum the few remaining notes, soft and heartbroken and defeated.

And Severus realized that he would always love Lily, like Remus would always love Sirius Black, even after letting their memories go in peace. And now he also understood it was going to take a while to feel completely free of them. That this was only the beginning for him and Remus to try and move on without the ghosts of their past haunting them, holding them back from living again, being happy, perhaps even falling in love again….

Was that why Remus pushed Severus away after they'd kissed? It most likely was and that left Severus feeling so stupid for getting angry at Remus for just wanting time to heal… Severus felt so stupid for not seeing that, for not understanding… But now he did, and this time Severus was willing to give Remus all the time he needed, even though Severus was falling so hopelessly for him. Severus could wait. He could be patient… Just like in the past…Severus had once loved Lily too, and so did she for him, but not in the way that Severus had wished it to be. He had waited for her, but now he was letting those feelings go and finally accepting everything that had happened between them. Finally leaving Severus to normally grieve for her, until her memory would only be a dull ache in his heart whenever he was reminded of Lily.

.

.

The room was now filled with a gloomy silence. Remus was done, his head hung low.

Severus had no idea what to do. If he should say something or maybe he should just leave. After all, he'd just intruded on Remus during a private moment, even if the door was left open… But before Severus had the chance to decide on his actions, a quiet voice broke the silence.

"When I was in that cellar, there was a point where I thought it was going to be the end of me. I was prepared to die, if only the torture would stop."

Remus didn't say anything more for a while. His head was still bowed down towards his muggle instrument. His golden hair was hanging over his eyes, and Severus had to resist the urge to go over to him and brush it aside. He could see that Remus was either deep in thought or perhaps just lost in his memories and the pain of them, so Severus stepped further inside the office, curious of what else the werewolf may say. He closed the door softly behind him, not wanting anyone to interrupt them. It wasn't until Severus was a bit further inside the room, did Remus finally speak again but was still unable to look at Severus.

"They had treated me like an animal. They'd chained me up with a metal collar around my neck. They'd called me, it… I had to shit and piss in the fucking corner of the room where I slept, in a fucking bucket!" Remus said all this with feeling, leaving him breathless. He stopped and sighed, took a deep breath and continued in a calmer tone. "They'd used the Cruciatus Curse on me over and over and silver chains to make me submissive, to use fear and pain to control me. They'd burned a Ministry label on me to let the world know I was nothing more than a werewolf, a dark creature… To remind me of what I am… And they had hated that I fought back, hated that I held on to my humanity… I wasn't going to let them take it. I wasn't going to let them win. Even though I had thought I was going to die… Greyback ordered that treatment on me to break me, to remind me I was only an animal to the eyes of humans, that way I could join his pack as his second in command. This wasn't all because he was trying to get answers to why I was found in the werewolf colony. What he did was personal… And when he'd kidnapped Harry, it was only to get to me. I'm sorry for putting your son in danger."

Severus had listened to Remus as he spoke, the only sign of his emotions to what he was hearing was the clench of his fists and a worried frown gracing his lips. And when Remus tried to apologize, he began to say, "Lupin, don't ap…" but he was cut off by a small and broken laugh from Remus.

"Don't apologize? Oh, if only you knew what I've done… I bet you wouldn't be saying that. You see, Severus… Greyback has this obsession with me, seemed to think that I was his son since he was the one who'd bit me and because of that, he thinks I'm powerful enough to rule his pack as his beta. He wanted to break me enough so I could be what he wants me to be… And kidnapping Harry was a desperate resort… When I was in the camp, he'd tried other ways that failed…other ways…" Then Remus stopped, the cold amusement in his voice had died out. Severus could see his body trembling, could hear his breath coming out heavily and rapidly. His hands gripped the instrument so tight that his fingers were white.

Severus was sure Remus didn't remember him entering his mind and having to go through his memories to bring Remus back from being trapped under his wolf-state-of-mind. And Severus wondered if Remus remembered the second time Severus was forced to use Legilimency on him, when Remus was a wolf with Greyback's neck trapped between his jaws, his fangs sinking dangerously into Greyback's flesh.

Severus knew what Greyback had done to try and break Remus… He knew….

Severus had seen what Remus had gone through, what he'd endured… All of the memories… And he'd felt them all… Felt all of Remus' emotions and pain tied to them… He knew, but he kept his mouth shut. It wasn't the right time to admit his knowledge and the invasion of privacy he had committed to Remus' mind. Severus wanted Remus to keep talking about what had happened at that camp, because he rarely did… That subject had only come up once, when Severus had returned from that terrible meeting with the Dark Lord, and Remus was there in his quarters. And Severus had begun to see him in a new light, and his hand was suddenly on Remus' chest, just over the brand underneath his shirt, leaning in…almost about to kiss… Severus shook that image away with the back of his neck growing warm… Since that night, Remus had swept everything about what happened to him at that camp underneath the rug. Never spoke of it at all until the rescue meeting, but only because he had to… And now….now that he was willing to bring it up again without any coaxing from anyone, it surprised Severus so immensely, to the point that he was afraid that if he interrupted, Remus may stop.

Perhaps it was a sign of Remus wanting to get through his trauma, the emotional damages Greyback had caused him. This had to be a sign of that… It would explain why Remus was singing that song to Black, a song about letting go….

Severus waited for Remus to continue, but then he realized the wolf was having trouble speaking again. He really didn't want Remus to stop talking. Severus very much wanted to know what was going on inside his head.

"What did Greyback make you do?" Severus said softly, encouragingly.

Remus finally lifted his head slowly. The sun had finally completed its journey down, leaving the office darker and flickering with shadows from the lanterns and fireplace. And for the first time since Severus came into his office, Remus finally locked his eyes onto Severus' own. Hazel-green eyes brimming with tears. They were full of pain and guilt and self-loathing, dancing around each other. It was almost overwhelming.

Severus felt his own facial expression softened as he observed all of that in Remus.

"I killed children…" Remus finally whispered, then a beat of silence before he said in a louder tone of voice. "I almost killed Greyback too… If you weren't there, Severus, I would've done it. Everything that Greyback had told me that night, I proved him right…"

"No, don't finish that sentence. You're wrong. That fucking bastard was wrong to say those things!" Severus couldn't help but snap out. He wanted Remus to come to terms with what had happened to him, not blame himself for Harry's kidnapping or believe in the crap Greyback had told him. "Lupin, you're not a killer."

Remus flinched at that last word, killer… Severus watched him shrink into himself and he knew he'd hit a soft spot. Then Remus glared at him, his hazel-green eyes suddenly flecked with amber. His voice was full of frustration as he said, "Greyback ordered Death Eaters to brand me, Severus. The label, Dark Creature is branded into my skin, over my heart forever. Who would want to be near me now once they've seen that? It's hideous, it's frightening! It makes them stop seeing me as human, it makes them see me as what the label says! A werewolf!" Remus spat with disgust.

"Lupin!"

"I am what it says! A fucking Werewolf: Classfied Dark Creature approved by the fucking Ministry of Magic! And if that's not enough? Well, I've proven the label right by killing innocent children! So how could you say I'm wrong when I have blood on my hands? Innocent children! Fuck, Severus! How could you not see that? How could you still want me around your son?!"

Severus scowled and sighed dramatically at Remus' stubbornness. And those golden-flecked eyes no longer scared him anymore, not like how they used to. Severus stalked the remaining feet towards the desk and leant over it with his palms faced down on the wooden surface. His face so near Remus' own pain-stricken one.

"I stand by what I said because I know you! I don't care what the bloody hell happened at that camp! I don't fucking care! You had no control over it!" Severus snapped.

Remus only glared back at him, his eyes becoming more golden with each word Severus snapped out at him. A small growl rumbled in Remus' throat. Severus guessed the high emotions in the room was causing him to have trouble keeping the wolf down, and still Severus wasn't afraid. He trusted Remus enough to keep his control.

Severus lifted his hand and placed it on Remus' chest, over his beating heart, over the burn scar that was hidden underneath his sweater. Just like that night of their almost kiss. Severus dug his fingers into the wool fabric as if he were holding the scar in his hands, Remus' heart. Remus didn't back away, he only let out another soft growl. Severus could feel the vibration under his hand and still, he kept his hand there, still unafraid. He was no longer afraid of Remus Lupin.

"I know you, Lupin," Severus said with so much intensity. Golden-flecked eyes bore into him. "You are not a monster. You're not a dark creature. I really don't give a fuck what the Ministry deems as a dark creature. I know you, Lupin… To me, you are someone I grew up with. A boy with his nose always stuck in a book. Teacher's pet to all of our professors, who even has Poppy under his thumb, yet master-mind behind every prank caused by the Marauders. You are a human being, extraordinary and talented and stubborn, the most annoying human I've ever met. You are a teacher who gives everything to his students. You are a fierce protector to your cub, and to your friend's daughter, even if…"

Remus looked away at the mention of his failure of Kaylie.

"Lupin," Severus said so gently, so full of intensity, it brought Remus' gaze back on Severus. His fingers pressing into Remus' chest. "You are just a person who had the misfortune to have a werewolf bite you as a young child, a werewolf who is a thousand times more of a monster than you could ever be. I don't care that you have blood on your hands now. I don't care that those children were killed by you in your wolf-state-of-mind or in your werewolf form, because that really wasn't you. That wasn't you, you were magically impaired against your own free-will. It was Greyback… He was the one who gave those orders. It was him who killed those children. It was him who locked you and Kaylie together during the full-moon… Not you! He took everything from you!"

"Get off me!" Remus growled, shaking Severus' hand off him. "You don't know what I've done! You don't know, you weren't there!"

And Severus wanted to tell him. Wanted to say that although he wasn't there, he had seen it all in Remus' head. He saw that day in the training ring, saw how they forced Pain Potion after Pain Potion down Remus' throat. Severus wanted to confess so badly, but something inside him, deep in his gut, warned him not to. It just wasn't the right time, not yet….

"I apologize, Lupin… I just really wanted you to see that you're not a dark creature. You are human, and one of the bravest ones I've ever met…" Severus said softly, feeling a bit ashamed for violating Remus' personal space. It was obvious it had made him feel uncomfortable.

Remus just shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair. Severus noticed for the first time that evening the unhealthy, sickly pallor to Remus' skin, causing the shadows under his eyes and the lines in his face, the smooth scars that ran parallel across, to stand out more. This full-moon and the events of it, the fight with Greyback, and having to heal from the injuries, it all took its toll on Remus. And Severus reminded himself that Remus had just been released from the hospital wing earlier than what Madam Pomfrey had originally preferred.

"Forgive me, Severus, of my melancholy, of the way I speak about myself… Greyback just really messed with my head. I don't know what to think anymore…" Remus said with a crack in his voice. "I lost myself and I don't know how I could be the same person I was before I lost Sirius, before Greyback and the cellar, before losing Kaylie…"

"I know… Believe me I know…" Severus said as he took a seat on one of the student chairs in front of Remus' desk. "I've lost people too… People I loved… People I had promised to protect, to save…"

Remus sighed at those words, a forlorn expression on his face. The gold-flecks in his eyes were fading away now that they weren't shouting at each other anymore.

"You know…" Severus said softly, "You remind me of Harry."

Remus shot him a look to explain what he'd meant.

"When Harry first came to me, he was feeling as lost as you are right now… He'd lost his godfather and he was feeling guilty over Diggory's death… And the weight of the prophecy on his shoulders, paired along with the abuse from his relatives, Harry was indeed lost, Lupin… But look at him now… He's come a long way, don't you think?"

Remus slowly nodded, "He has… He was very quiet and angry just weeks ago…"

"I took him to the beach this morning. He was so happy, far from what you'd just described him… And the things Harry told me before I dropped him off at the Burrow, he had told me himself that he doesn't want to cut anymore. He told me that he wants to get better. And I believe he will one day, I honestly think Harry is going to be okay. Take an example from Harry who has gone through so much, who went through fifteen years of living in hell with those muggles. He was as lost as you, Lupin."

Severus paused for a moment, taking in Remus who seemed to be thinking over what Severus just said. He reached out and placed a tentative hand over Remus' own. Severus wasn't sure if his touch would be welcomed again, but he just really wanted Remus to understand what he meant, what he was trying to say.

Remus' eyes broke out of his thoughts and landed on their joined hands. Severus felt himself blush to see those hazel eyes fixate on that.

"You know Harry sees himself as a freak, just like how you see yourself as a beast, you both are wrong. Harry is starting to see that, he's making progress… And I will say the same thing to you that I've said to him… Be kind to yourself, forgive yourself, none of those things that had happened to you were in your control. You were harmed by horrific choices from Greyback, not you. I really hope you start to see yourself in a better light, Lupin. Please…consider this, okay? You're strong, you and Harry both are." Severus squeezed Remus' hand for emphasis, and was happy that Remus didn't pull away. It meant that he was listening, considering what Severus was telling him. "Just give yourself time to accept what has happened and heal, and I promise you in the end, you'll find yourself again. And if you ever feel like you need to talk to me about any of this, please don't hesitate to do so."

Remus turned his hand over to squeeze Severus' hand back, his eyes still on their joined hands, their intertwining fingers. Remus' skin felt soft and cool, despite the warm room and the wool seater he had on. "Why are you being so nice?" Remus whispered. "Poppy told me what you did while I was unconscious. She told me how you stayed by my side, and I think I sort of remember seeing you…"

Because I'm starting to care deeply for you, Lupin… I think I'm falling for you and there's nothing for me to hold onto, to stop me… I think I'm falling and I don't know what to do….

"Because of you, Harry is back home safe with us. You had risked your life for him, and I'll never forget that, Lupin."

Looking embarrassed, Remus let go of Severus' hand and drew it to his lap. Severus instantly missed his touch. "Is Harry really okay? I think he visited me, but I was all drugged up from the medical potions… I remember hearing his voice."

"He's okay, Lupin."

"No bites or scratches that might…"

"None of that sort."

Remus let out a deep sigh of relief. Then he frowned, the lines in his face suddenly becoming more prominent, his eyes growing a bit darker. "You really should be angry with me. I kept information about Greyback. I should've told Dumbledore or even you about how mental Greyback was and that deal I made with him. My silence put Harry in danger, that trap was for me, and Harry got caught up in it."

Severus shook his head with frustration, realizing he was going to have to keep repeating himself until Remus finally accepted it, just like with Harry. "I cannot be angry at you, it wasn't your fault. It was all on Greyback and your plan worked, you've defeated him after everything he'd put you through. You brought back our kid. Can't you see how strong that makes you?"

Remus only shrugged and didn't say anything else. Severus inwardly sighed in defeat, deciding not to say anything more on the subject tonight. Like Harry, it was going to be a while before Remus could start to accept everything that happened, that he was the victim in it and to stop blaming himself, to stop seeing himself as a monster. It wasn't going to happen overnight, Severus shouldn't expect that. It was going to take time, and until then he would just have to keep reminding Remus over and over… Just like Harry.

"Lupin?" Severus said.

"It's Remus, Severus," Remus insisted with a shy smile, the light in his eyes returning just a bit. "Don't you remember me asking you to call me by my first name?"

And Severus forgot what he was going to ask him. He felt like his stomach just did a flip at that smile and it somehow landed in his throat. He swallowed nervously, "Yes, I believe I do…"

"Would you like some tea?" Remus chuckled.

Severus' stomach did another flip at that chuckle. Does he know the effect he has on me? Bloody hell, how am I ever going to act normal around him?

Severus nodded, trying to hold himself together. He didn't think Remus noticed the way his body had tensed or how warm he was suddenly feeling. He watched the wolf stand up and placed the guitar on the wide windowsill. The moonlight illuminating the empty wine bottle, making it gleam.

.

.

"That song you were singing…" Severus said as he watched Remus prepare the kettle over the flames in the fireplace. "Forgive me for intruding, but that was for Black, wasn't it?"

Remus nodded, but he didn't say anything right away. Not until the kettle was ready and they had moved to the sofa, making small talk about how they take their tea. Once they both had their steaming mugs of chamomile tea on the coffee table, then Remus brought up the subject of the song again.

"When I was in that cellar, I was losing myself, like I've said, I wanted to die just so it could all be over, but the only thing that kept me going through my pain and fear, the torture, was that everytime I fell asleep or lost consciousness, I would dream of Sirius. And they weren't normal dreams, Severus. They were much more than that. They had felt so real and vivid to the point that when I would wake, I would forget where I was for quite a while. I would feel his presence lying beside me, whispering to me, giving me strength to not give Greyback what he wanted, to keep fighting, to hold onto myself…

And when I was fighting Greyback in that cellar before you came for Harry, I caught Sirius' scent. I heard his voice in my head, telling me to keep going… I know this sounds mental. I know it should be impossible, and maybe I am going mental… Maybe it was all just in my head, but hearing Sirius' voice, catching his scent, it kept me from giving up. Without him, I'm sure I would have been dead. I don't think I would've had the strength to keep fighting on my own… And after all of that…because of that… How could I just let Sirius go?"

"Lupin…" Severus began to say, but Remus only shook his head and kept going.

"Feeling Sirius in that cellar, it kept me anchored down… That was the reason why I had turned you away after we'd kissed. Please, forgive me for that, Severus, I really did feel something in that kiss and believe me, I don't regret it all. I couldn't stop thinking about it in fact..."

Remus' pale face blushed pink, and Severus felt his own face blush with embarrassment as well. "It's okay, wolf…" Severus could only mutter.

"No, it wasn't okay… I've hurt your feelings… I know that is why you had reacted the way you did… And for that, I deeply apologize. And despite, my…" Remus' cheeks blushed even more. "Despite my…growing infatuation…for you… I could not give into those feelings… Not when I was still holding onto Sirius, still waiting for him to show himself to me again, but I haven't felt him around… Except for that moment while fighting Greyback… It's clear I'm still hurting over Sirius…still in love with him… And that wouldn't be fair to you. I don't want you to be my rebound, Severus. If I were to fall for you, I want it to be in my own time. I want it to mean something without the pain of Sirius' loss influencing that."

Severus sighed at Remus' confession, then he picked up his steaming mug and sipped a bit of the warm liquid. He felt the warmth of it go down, causing him to feel relaxed and warm and comfortable. The flames from the fireplace behind them were crackling merrily. The shadows still danced around the dark office. Remus' hazel eyes were on him, waiting for a reaction to what he'd just admitted, his cheeks still pink and Severus couldn't help but think how endearing that made Remus look.

And he thought about what Remus had said, taking another sip of his tea. He found himself not angry at all for the clear rejection and Remus' explanation. This time Severus understood, and was willing to accept that. And yes, he was falling for that wolf sitting across from him, and Remus had admitted that he was feeling the same way. Remus was infatuated with Severus and that made his heart beat a little faster, but was it really the beginning of something like love? Severus wasn't sure, and maybe he wasn't ready to jump into something as serious as that, just like Remus. Severus didn't mind waiting at all, he really wasn't sure if he was ready himself yet. Plus, he had a lot of apologizing to do as well for his past behavior towards Remus for not being understanding or giving him his space to heal and figure out what he needed…what was best for him….

"Lupin, thank you for saying all of that… I understand… And I'm sorry as well for pushing you into something you weren't ready for. I'm sorry for the way I'd reacted, so angry and mean… I'm not very good at this sort of stuff…relationships…feelings…" Severus shrugged.

Remus, who had begun to sip at his tea, smiled behind his mug.

"I just didn't expect to suddenly…suddenly take an interest in you in that sort of way… It's just... I…"

Fuck, why was this so hard to bloody say!

Severus stopped, not knowing what else to say. His whole face was fucking burning, and he knew his face and ears and the back of his neck were all probably looking as if he got sunburnt from the beach today. And the thought of himself looking like that in front of Remus made Severus blush even more, and he was so embarrassed that he had lost his train of thought.

"It just happened?" Remus suggested in a good-natured tone, his small smile turning into a grin. The light was now back in his hazel eyes, no longer dark with sorrow. "Didn't you just say I was the most annoying human you've ever met?"

"Exactly," Severus said, then added sarcastically, "The most annoying!" causing Remus to laugh a little.

Severus then asked, "Do you… So you don't feel Black anymore with you? Was that what your song was about?"

Remus nodded, taking another sip of his tea before placing the mug back on the coffee table. His grin had disappeared from Severus' question. And Severus felt bad about that, he really liked seeing Remus smile, even hearing him laugh a bit.

"I haven't felt him, and I think that means that I have to stop waiting for him to reappear again. If I don't, I'll go mad… I'll always…" Remus stopped, his body suddenly shivering slightly. Then he continued in a softer voice full of heartbreak and resignation. "I'll always love Sirius, but I need to let his memory rest in peace. I'm letting him go."

Severus knew what Remus meant by that, and he wondered if he should share with Remus how listening to his song made him also realize that he had to let Lily's memory rest as well, to let his guilt and his pain over her death go. To finally let himself remember her fondly without any of that in the way.

It was quiet, the conversation hung in the air between them. Severus sipped his tea again and placed it on the coffee table besides Remus' own.

"I understand what you're trying to say," Severus said.

Remus looked up at him. "You do?"

"Lily…" Severus whispered out his heartache.

Remus stared at Severus with surprise. "I remember you two being close friends for a while before…" His cheeks blushed, this time not from admitting his feelings for Severus but from the shared memory between them, of the day Severus called Lily that terrible word and Remus' friends pantsed Severus in mid-air, in front of everyone.

Severus could still hear the laughter ringing in his ears. The insults thrown back and forth between him and Potter and Black. Could still see Remus sitting behind them on the grass, looking bottered, yet doing nothing. And Pettigrew laughing cruelly behind the protection of his friends. And Lily, the only one to stick up for him… The argument they had after that, Lily shouting at him to leave her alone. Giving up on him. She was only trying to help and Severus had pushed her away in the worst possible way. Then the familiar pain burned inside of him and Severus quickly pushed it away. It was all in the past now, dwelling on those memories, on the hurt linked to them, wouldn't change anything now. It was time to move on.

Lost in his thoughts, Severus leaned over and picked up his mug again, finishing up his tea. The guilt of Lily's death, the pain from his past, was never going to completely go away, but now he felt like he was at least able to live with it.

"Severus?"

Tearing himself out of his thoughts, Severus placed his empty mug back on the table and looked at Remus.

"Has Voldemort called you yet?" Remus asked. "I was wondering because of what you had told me about being ordered to take Harry the next time you were called."

Severus winced at the reminder of that meeting. "He called me, but I didn't take Harry. I had managed to lie myself out of his wrath…"

"Oh, Severus…" Remus said so softly and so full of concern, Severus was surprised by it. No one had ever expressed that level of concern for him, except Lily, Harry, and maybe Madam Pomfrey….

"Did he hurt you? You know, you can tell me…only if you're comfortable about it…"

And his eyes were so soft and warm, ready to listen, that Severus had to look away.

Remus sighed at Severus' silence. He scooched himself closer to him on the sofa, to the point that their thighs and knees were touching, sending bolts of electricity through Severus, making it even harder for him to speak.

"Severus, forgive me for asking, you don't have to talk about it… But just know you did what you had to do."

And those words broke something in Severus, maybe it was a chink of the mental mask he always wore to hide his emotions so that he could be the pawn in Albus' and the Dark Lord's war.

Remus was sitting so close to him, the warmth of him sent shivers up and down Severus' body. He was afraid to move his leg that was touching Remus', not wanting to end the moment. And right now, right here, Severus realized that he could just be himself in this office, around this enchanting man that was still such a mystery to Severus… Remus, who could make Severus' stomach flip into his throat without realizing it. Who could make Severus' heart flutter and go haywire and skip a few beats with just one glance of those hazel-green eyes, with just one small smile, a laugh or even the smallest touch. Again, Severus realized how Remus was so very close to him, so close he could smell the chamomile tea wafting from his breath. And he suddenly found himself talking. Severus told Remus everything that had happened that night, well, everything he was allowed to… The torture the Dark Lord had put him through, the fear, how Severus mentally fought back… How his life was spared… How lucky he was to walk out of there with the Death Eaters hiding in the shadowy corners of the room.

"It was the worst pain I've ever felt… That was not a normal Cruciatus Curse. It hit me deep inside, Lupin…" Severus said in a low and shaky voice. Remus' leg was still pressed up against his own, giving him strength to keep talking. "And when I returned, Harry was awake. He could see that I was in pain, and I couldn't tell him what happened… I didn't want to worry him."

"And you were right to not tell Harry. He has a lot on his plate right now, recovering from the whole Greyback ordeal and plus Hogwarts is starting up again, so don't you feel bad about it."

"I know, I know…" Severus leaned forward with his elbows resting on his knees. His hair falling in his face like black curtains. His eyes focused on his hands folded together on his lap. "I just don't like showing him my weaknesses like that… I need to be strong for Harry. He's gone through so much, lost so much… I want to be a solid parent in his life without him having to fear that he could lose me." Albus' task was stuck on his mind as Severus spoke. He knew in the end, his words, his wishes to protect Harry and be strong for him would all just be meaningless in the end, but he ignored those thoughts.

Remus suddenly turned inward towards Severus and leaned over, reaching out and carding his fingers through Severus' hair, tucking a lock of his dark hair behind his ear. Severus looked up and met Remus' soft expression and he felt all of his insides just melt into a pile of mush.

"You can't always hide away your pain, Severus. You'll eventually have to let Harry in sometimes… He's your son, and like you said, he's strong." Remus' fingers combed through his hair one more time before pulling away. He smiled and said so low, as if it were just a comment he was making to himself, "You smell like the sea…"

And Severus just felt himself melt all over again. How the hell was he ever going to ignore his feelings for this wolf? How could he be around him when every little thing Remus did made Severus feel like this?

"You can let me in also… That is if you're okay with us growing close as friends… You don't always have to be the strong one here, Harry and I can be strong for you too, if you would only let us…"

When did Remus get even closer to him? Severus straightened himself up. Trapped in hazel-green eyes that were the color of a wooded forest in summer time, a mixture of greens and browns. Remus didn't move, their thighs and knees were still touching. The room suddenly felt very warm, the fireplace was suddenly very loud. The flames in the lanterns flickering all around them and the glow of the moonlight filtering in through the large window. Severus was close enough to Remus that he could see every eyelash, every beautiful scar on his face. The freckles on his nose from too much sun. The silver strands in his golden hair. Those pink lips that looked so very soft and inviting… What would it be like to kiss him again?

And Severus could only whisper, stuck in his trance, "I will remember that, Lupin… And it's okay to be lost right now, but no more pushing me away… Do you promise me that?"

Severus watched Remus swallow, licking his lips, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down. Severus had no idea which way was up and which way was down. He was floating.

"I promise…" Remus breathed out, the chamomile tea wafting from his warm breath. "And Severus?"

"Yeah?" Severus croaked.

"It's Remus…"

"Can I kiss you, Remus?"

And before Severus even realized what he'd just asked, a shy, tentative hand cupped the side of Severus' face, pulling him upward, swirls of hazel and green was all he could see before he closed his eyes and felt those soft lips on his own. Severus stopped breathing. His entire being just melted for the third time that night. He never thought that could be possible, that he could feel this way, that Remus Lupin could make him feel this way. He raised a trembling hand to cup the back of Remus' head, his fingers carding through his soft hair as Severus felt the tip of Remus' tongue seeking entrance into Severus' mouth. That was way more than what he'd ever expected. And Severus let him in, opening his mouth and tasting Remus, feeling him, kissing him back just as fervently, his hand sliding down to rest on the nape of Remus' neck who kissed him deeper and Severus almost let out a moan.

And for a moment, just a moment, there was nothing but Remus, nothing but the taste of him in Severus' mouth. Nothing but the scent of him in Severus' nose. The feel of his soft skin under his touch. Remus' tongue dancing along with his own in Severus' mouth. And Severus felt a powerful pull of longing deep in his soul, he pulled Remus closer against him, his heart beating so fast he was sure Remus could feel it beating. All he could do to keep himself from sagging off the sofa was to hang onto Remus, his hand still gently holding onto the nape of his neck, the other around his waist.

Whatever this was, Severus was definitely not going to stop it, and he couldn't even if he tried. He was already too deep into his feelings. And whatever Remus chose to do after this kiss, he would comply. If Remus wanted to take things slow, then they would take things slow. If Remus wanted to just stay friends and never act on these feelings, then friends is all they would be and Severus would have to be okay with that. But he couldn't deny that the feelings were indeed there.

If Remus chose to be nothing at all, then Severus was prepared for that as well. Besides, would it be so wise to start a friendship with Remus or something much closer and meaningful with Albus' daunting task hanging over Severus' head? Wouldn't it be selfish of Severus to allow Remus to grow close to him, only to let him think Severus betrayed him and Harry? To allow Harry and Remus to get hurt like that? Wouldn't it be better to just stop him and Remus from even becoming anything before things got too complicated? Severus didn't know what to do, and he kept circling back to the idea that he really couldn't stop himself from becoming whatever Remus wanted them to be, not with these feelings… They were indeed there, and they were going to stay.

Then they pulled apart, resting their foreheads together, staring into each other's eyes, breathless and not quite believing what just happened between them. And there Severus felt it again, he felt himself falling again, but could this really be love? Could this be the beginning of something that big? There was no way… Yet, these feelings were strong, they were there. No more denying them, but Severus wasn't ready to admit any of that out loud. He was content to keep it all hidden inside himself, content to let Remus take the lead and decide what he wanted them to be… Together? Just friends? Or nothing more than just co-parents? And if the last two choices happened and he had to be forced to squash his feelings down and hide them, then so be it. But it was so fucking hard to think about doing that when Remus was looking at him like that, looking at him with his tousled hair and his bruised-red lips. Looking at him with wonder in his eyes, eyes that were so dilated, Severus could barely see his hazel irises. Merlin, Severus just wanted to keep kissing Remus over and over again.

"I really can't deny that there is something between us, I was a fool to even try," Remus said, still catching his breath, raising a hand to smooth down his hair as he stood up. "You were right, Severus, very right about me being a fool to pretend it wasn't there… But I hope you understand what I've told you… I'm not ready to fall in love with you or anyone for that matter just yet… I'm not ready, but one day I would like to be and until that day comes, can we just start over as friends then see where that takes us?"

Severus felt his heart sink. Just friends… He just got fucking friend-zoned, but then there was hope in Remus' words. I'm not ready, but one day I would like to be… And instantly Severus felt better, ready to just hide away his feelings for now and be there for Remus as a friend. He had done it with Lily, even when there was no clear sign of any hope that they could ever be something more, and Severus knew this time it would be better, it would be different, because this time, he knew he had a chance.

"Of course, Remus, whatever you want," Severus replied, still in a bit of a daze from their kiss. He stood up from the sofa as well, stretching out his limbs that felt as if all of his bones were spelled away. "I'd rather have you as a friend than nothing else."

Remus gratefully smiled at Severus' quick agreement and understanding. "You'll never be just nothing to me, Severus. You saved my life so many times now… You're always going to be my dear friend and co-parent to my cub."

"Friends and co-parents..." Severus smiled in return. How was it possible that he liked the sound of that, yet it pained him deep inside?

"It's getting late, we have a long day of staff meetings tomorrow before the students arrive."

Sensing the dismissal in Remus' voice, knowing the wolf was too kind to verbally kick him out, Severus took that as his que to leave. But before Severus could move towards the portrait door, a gentle hand rested on his shoulder.

Remus stepped forward. They were almost the same height, but Remus was taller than Severus by just a couple of inches and his frame was smaller, thinner than it was before the last-full moon. "Thank-you for not getting angry at my choice on what we should be." He placed a gentle kiss on Severus' cheek. "Once you leave, we are just friends."

Severus cupped Remus' jaw, wanting nothing more than to pull him in for one more kiss, but he knew if he did, then it would make it harder for him to leave. So Severus savored the tingling feeling left on his cheek that Remus left with his kiss. He savored the feel of Remus' soft skin underneath his hand, brushing Remus' lips with the pad of his thumb. Remus closed his eyes for just a moment, a heart-wrenching moment, savoring Severus' touch just as much. And Severus whispered, "Goodnight, my friend."

Remus opened his eyes as Severus tore his hand away. He stepped back with a sad smile. "I'll save you a seat tomorrow morning for the first meeting."

"I would like that, wolf."

Severus left the office in a daze, not quite sure if that kiss really happened, if that moment, that conversation, had actually happened.

.

.

Once he'd reached his quarters, before heading into his bedroom, Severus silently made his way to Harry's room and opened the door to an empty bedroom. He was reminded of the loneliness of his quarters. The bed was made. All of Harry's school books and robes were gone, along with his firebolt and Hedwig's cage. Harry had wanted his journey back to Hogwarts to stay as normal as possible, even if that meant moving all of his things and his owl around.

This summer did not end the way Severus had expected it to end. After he had got the floo call from Albus with orders to check on Harry and a possibility of having to bring him back with him, Severus for some reason felt like he had to clean out his personal library right away. It was just a feeling in his gut that took over all of his resentment and hatred towards Harry. He had stored half of his books in his office, another half in the bookcase of his bedroom, the rest went to Albus for safe-keeping, and a few old Potions textbooks had gone into his classroom for his students to use for cross-referencing.

Severus really hadn't expected much of anything when he'd brought Harry back with him, only arguments and hatred between them. He had even expected for his quarters to somehow catch on fire or something… But not this way, the most impossible ending of the summer Severus had never expected. Adopting Harry as his son. Loving him as his son… And Severus looked around the empty bedroom, it was worth giving up his dusty old library for this… Worth everything to get the chance to know the person Harry was and fall in love with him as a father would feel for their child. And Severus just had one ounce of regret, that this didn't happen sooner, that he and Harry weren't forced together like this much much sooner, then Harry could've spent less time with his relatives, and he and Harry could've had more time together before everything was destined to fall apart.

Severus took one last look at the empty room, hoping again that Harry was okay without him. That he was settled in bed ready for the journey to Hogwarts tomorrow with his friends and his classmates, and that he would arrive safely. And Severus wasn't a superstitious person, but he couldn't help thinking about the time Harry and Weasley had driven Arthur's enchanted car into the Whomping Willow during their second year. And the time in Harry's third year, when the Hogwarts Express was stopped by Death Eaters, causing Harry to faint on the train. Severus grimaced and knocked on the wooden door, just in case. Harry really does need all the luck he could get with his history of getting into trouble or perhaps Harry was right, trouble just always finds him. Severus rolled his eyes at Harry's phrase on the beach, then remembered their very last conversation before Severus left the Burrow….

Severus and Harry were standing inside the Weasley's living room. Harry had his school trunk resized, along with his firebolt and Hedwig's empty cage. Hedwig had flown in through the window and perched herself on the top of an armchair, hooting happily to see her owner. Harry had sent her flying to the Burrow before they went to the beach that early morning.

"Thank you for today, Sev. The beach was really fun."

Severus waved away his thanks as he pulled Harry's wand from his pocket and handed it over to his son.

Harry gasped as he held his wand again.

"I imagine your friends have your cloak?" Severus asked.

Harry nodded, examining his holly wand, looking happy to be reunited with it again.

"Do you really think I'm ready?" Harry asked with surprise that he was granted full wand privileges once more along with access to his invisibility cloak.

"I trust you," Severus said. "Plus, you'll need it for school. Lupin and I won't be with you every second of the day, so I want you to promise me that you'll come to one of us whenever you feel like you have to cut or even after."

"I promise," Harry said.

"And don't be afraid to floo me tonight if you need anything or even in the morning before leaving for the train station," Severus said, feeling like a new parent who was leaving their newborn for the first time. This was the first time Harry would be out of his sight, away from the safety of the castle since Greyback's kidnapping. Severus felt like he had a right to act like a worried parent after the whole ordeal.

Harry laughed at Severus' obvious anxiety. "Sev, I'm going to be gone for only a night and a day. I'll be coming back home to you. It's not as if I haven't stayed here before."

Severus could only pull his son into a hug.

Those words Harry had spoken…I'll be coming back home to you…was something Severus never thought he would ever hear Harry say to him.

Severus smiled at the memory, closing the bedroom door.

I have a family now… Severus kept thinking about that concept over and over, and he still couldn't believe it, couldn't get used to it. He and Remus had not only agreed to be close friends, but to also be co-parents to Harry, their kid… And that meant Severus wasn't alone anymore. It's funny how things turn out the most unlikeliest way you would expect them to. Severus had never once in his life thought of himself as a family man before, never thought that sort of thing would be in the cards for him, especially after he'd lost Lily to James Potter… Then after everything that happened, and he found himself trapped between Albus and the Dark Lord… Severus ran his hands through his hair, forcing those thoughts away, even the thought of his new little family ending very soon, deciding to just enjoy their company before everything went to hell.

.

.

Once Severus brushed his teeth and dressed into his pajamas, he climbed into bed. As soon as he laid his head on his pillow and closed his eyes, he was insulted with the memory of the kiss he and Remus had just shared.

I can be friends with Remus Lupin… Severus told himself as he began to fall into the comforting darkness of sleep. I can be friends with him… It's better than being an enemy or nothing at all….

And with that very last thought, Severus slipped into his usual dream of himself and Remus sitting in the meadow among the tall grass. The castle was outlined in the distance, its glowing windows against the vast starry skies and their twinkling magic reflected in Remus' hazel-green eyes, bearing all of the warmth and playfulness of a summer night's sky. Remus was laughing at something Severus must've just said to him. And that sound, Merlin, that enchanting sound wrapped around Severus like starlight, making him toss and turn in his sleep. And in his dreaming mind, Severus knew that somehow, even though they were sitting besides each other, Remus was far out of his reach but he was still hopelessly falling for him, hopelessly and dangerously falling in starlight, in hazel-green swirls of the forest and summer, and the only one who could catch him was Remus….