I had hoped a little that a meeting with Draco in the library would be a long time coming, simply because I didn't know whether I was ready for it.

But fate had other plans and so I was sitting in my usual place in the library when he stepped out from behind one of the shelves into my field of vision.

I really should have found another place, I cursed myself.

But it was too late for that now.

He was here and I had no way of avoiding the confrontation.

He sat down in the chair opposite mine.

"How are you?", he asked, looking at me pityingly.

"Quite well, I think. And you?", I tried to keep the small talk going a little.

"I was worried about you after what happened at dance class yesterday."

Of course. Of course he was worried.

It wasn't like I was falling for him anyway, now he was making it even easier.

I barely suppressed rolling my eyes, not because of him but because of my own stupidity.

"I felt a bit sick. Nothing too bad. I've been resting and I'm fine now."

"Nothing with the kidney?"

"No, it's fine."

He exhaled audibly.

"Then I'm reassured."

A short silence filled the space between us.

"Do you mind if I study here a bit?", he asked.

The correct answer would have been 'yes, I would mind', but he and I were friends and the more conspicuous I acted the more questions he would ask.

And Hannah was right, I couldn't and wouldn't answer them.

We just sat there and were silent. Each absorbed in his own thoughts and or books.

We had done this many times before but this was the first time it made me uncomfortable.

Again and again I forced myself not to stare unobtrusively at him while studying and my concentration also left something to be desired.

Nevertheless, I remained steadfast.

I can do this.

I can get over him without losing him as a friend.

I just have to be stronger.

At some point I said goodbye to him and went to the Room of Requirement to practise the piano.

I hadn't made any progress in composing yet, so I practised pieces I already knew.

But at some point my thoughts drifted again, to the dance lesson yesterday, to my breakdown and to the conversation with Hannah.

And without me wanting to, my fingers adapted to my feelings.

They reflected all the frustration and pain I had felt.

Now that all these feelings were floating through the room as sounds, I knew exactly what I had to do.

If I wanted to compose a song, I had to evoke the very feelings I wanted to express.

I tried to fill my thoughts with sadness and loss because that was what this memorial service was supposed to express but I couldn't get a grip on those thoughts.

It was painfully ironic because grief was the emotion I knew best and yet I couldn't manage to grasp it.

I wouldn't be able to do that today either.

And maybe I wouldn't make it tomorrow either.

Maybe I would never be able to do it again.

Maybe my grief was too deep, too vague for me to grasp.

Maybe my grief was something I couldn't call up, because it was always a part of me and flowed into everything I did.

I tried not to stress, in an emergency I could always play any of the songs Hannah had suggested.

It was Sunday evening and the rain was pelting loudly against my window as I sat at my desk, lost in thought, running the letters on the black notebook over and over again.

I hadn't used it yet, too afraid it would make it even harder for me to get over Draco.

But it was just a book, a gift.

I opened it and the letter from Grandma fell right into my hands.

I must have put it in there after he gave me the book.

Just like the first time, my hands trembled as I removed the paper from the envelope.

It was amazing how little I remembered the direct wording of her letter, when I had always had a good memory for quotes and sayings.

It was as if I was reading the words for the first time.

And there it was, my sadness.

I could feel it, it was in every word of that letter.

I had to try.

I put the letter in my pocket, put on a pair of shoes and hurried out of the apartement down to the Room of Requirement.

I placed the letter on the piano, put my fingers on the keys and began to read.

Word by word I absorbed and little by little they turned into sounds. Disjointed and cruel sounding, but sounds.

The joy I felt at being able to grasp my grief was intoxicating.

I kept reading the lines and playing more notes.

When I reached the end of the letter I stopped.

I closed my eyes and a tear came loose, now running hot down my cheek.

I held on to that feeling, not wanting to lose it again.

I'm holding on to it.

I'm holding on.

I'm holding on.

And as if I was struck by lightning, it was gone.

Gone was the feeling of sadness, but it was replaced. Replaced by a realisation.

Lyrics, I needed lyrics

I couldn't just compose a melody, I had to write a song.

Speak out the problem, as Hannah had advised me to do.

And I already had something to build on. I'm Holding on.

The next two weeks were pure stress.

I actually managed the lessons next to Draco quite well. We worked well together and it was like always.

I was also less uncomfortable with our random meetings in the library.

Possibly also because I had other things on my mind.

I worked tirelessly. When I wasn't studying for exams I was writing and composing and slowly it was taking final shape.

I was quite proud of myself even though I was still scared to death of performing.

Hannah supported me as much as she could with Draco.

She had also taken it upon herself to suggest Draco and Neville swap partners, as if it was her idea and I had no idea at all.

Half of it was true, at least.

Both had been a little grumpy but had raised no objections.

Nevertheless, Draco had taken me aside for a moment and asked if it was really all right, to which I replied in the affirmative.

The dance lessons with Neville weren't as much fun as the ones with Draco but I knew why I was doing it.

As long as I didn't see him it actually got better. He was no longer constantly in my thoughts.

But I still found it hard to keep him at a distance when he was the one who knew me best.

What got worse during the two weeks was Neville's hatred for Draco.

He was always glaring at him and when they were dancing he watched them almost constantly.

All the reassurances from Hannah and me that everything was fine and that this closeness at the dance was normal didn't help.

I really owed Hannah, she was risking her happy relationship here just to help me.

And I had already thought of the perfect way to repay my debt.

Months ago, she had asked me if I would go dress shopping with her and the others for the ball.

I had agreed then, but things had changed since then.

The girls all went shopping together with their partners or had joined other groups and Hannah and Luna were the only ones left.

I would tell her that I would like to go shopping with her and Luna because I would like to go to the ball.

I had always been vague about whether I wanted to go or not but in the end I had decided to go.

Alone.

It was for me. I just wanted to have fun that night, dance a bit and do it without having to rely on anyone.

Hannah and Neville would have themselves and should enjoy their time as a couple without me as an appendage.

"Does the offer to go dress shopping for the ball still stand?", I asked her with a grin on my face as she sat down at the table with me.

It was Friday and tomorrow was Hogsmeade weekend.

Her eyes got big and started to light up. "Are you serious?!"

I nodded.

"Yes of course it's still on. Does that mean you're definitely coming?!"

She was beaming and it was really nice to see her so excited.

"Yes, I'll go, but only on one condition."

"Anything you want."

"It'll be Neville and your night. You don't make me dance with you or anything. No plans to include me.

I'll go alone because that's what I want. Okay?"

She pushed her bottom lip forward and pouted.

"Promise", I demanded.

"Okay, I promise", she agreed sullenly.

"It'll be pretty crowded tomorrow because everyone's going there but now that you're of age we can just go on Sunday. It'll be emptier then and we'll have our peace and quiet."

"That sounds like a plan."

Hannah was the woman with the plan and I was very grateful for that.

Luna was also informed of our plan and so the three of us headed down to the little wizard village after breakfast on Sunday.

Luckily for us it wasn't raining today, which didn't stop me from putting on my rain jacket as a preventative measure.

We went to a small boutique that Hannah had already raved about several times. And by a few times, I mean all the time.

The little woman behind the counter greeted us friendly and asked if she could help us.

Hannah said no and that we wanted to have a look around ourselves first.

And we took it all in.

After a short time, there were dresses piled up on chairs that Hannah had declared as a shortlist for me and Luna.

The shop assistant didn't seem to mind at all, rather the opposite. She often disappeared into the stockroom and fetched more clothes.

It was great fun and Luna and Hannah soon found what they were looking for.

Only I wasn't one hundred percent thrilled with everything.

If I was going to go there, I wanted the perfect dress and that hope seemed to die when I came out of the dressing room with the last dress.

It was a light blue floor-length dress without straps. So not at all what I wanted.

"Do you mind if I have a quick look?", the shop assistant asked kindly and we nodded.

"Maybe you'd like to come with me to the storage and we'll see if you like something there."

I changed back into my own clothes and followed the nice lady to the back.

I thought it was a small warehouse but it was huge.

Rolls of fabric were piled up everywhere and dressed hung on poles. Every now and then pieces of cloth flew through the area and I had to duck to avoid being hit by one of them.

"Now tell me sweetheart, what do you have in mind?"

I shrugged my shoulders.

"I don't know," I answered truthfully.

She looked deep into my eyes and for a moment I felt she could see into my soul.

"Do you trust me?", she asked after a few moments of silence and again I nodded in agreement.

She strode ahead through the maze of clothes and fabrics and I followed her.

You could definitely get lost here.

"I only finished it yesterday. Didn't think I'd find the right owner for it so quickly but fate always finds its way doesn't it?"

Confused, I looked at her and then looked at what she was holding.

Yes, yes that could be it.

"Here and the shoes to go with it. Now chop chop, put it on. I want to see if I was right."

After we had made our way back out, I disappeared into the changing room.

I slipped the dress on and looked at myself in the mirror before going out.

It was perfect.

It was everything I wanted without knowing what I wanted.

A dark green velvet dress, the skirt of which went to about mid-thigh.

The top was held up by two thick straps and looked a bit like dungarees.

It reminded me of home, where I had always worn dungarees when helping Grandpa with the magical creatures.

The sleeves that were attached to the straps went down to my wrists. They were made of dark green tulle and puffed out a little.

It looked dreamy.

But the very best thing was what adorned the entire velvet fabric of the dress. It was dotted with little silver stars of every size and shape.

Grandma loved stars and I had learned to appreciate them because of her.

To go with this dream of a dress, the saleswoman had given me a pair of strappy shoes with a thick heel that were just as dark green and velvety as the dress, only without the stars.

I could see myself in them, dancing at the ball and having fun.

It was this dress and no other.

No other could ever be so perfect.

I finally pulled back the curtain to present myself to the others.

Hannah's eyes grew wide and began to light up again, just as they had on Friday, when I stepped out of the dressing room.

"Oh wonderful," the saleswoman said, clapping her hands. "It's perfect isn't it?"

I nodded cautiously.

Luna was the next to recover her voice.

"You look adorable, Daisy", she said dreamily, smiling.

Hannah took the longest to say anything.

"Don't you like it?", I asked her uncertainly, because she was still staring.

"You look... you look... gorgeous", she finished her stuttered sentence.

"Honestly?"

"Honestly. Draco's really missing out."

I froze.

"What?"

Hannah slapped her hands over her mouth guiltily and shook her head.

"Why would he miss anything? He'll see, won't he?"

Hannah still said nothing.

"Hannah?!", I asked in a firm voice.

"He's not coming okay? He doesn't want to come to the ball and he'll never see you like this.

It's actually good that he's not coming, then you don't have to worry about him."

"But... But..."

I didn't know what the but was myself. But I knew it made me sad that he didn't come to the ball.

Did he even come to the memorial service? We had spoken so little that I didn't even know that.

I felt like the worst friend ever because I should have encouraged him to go to the events.

Now it was too late.

As much as I had been avoiding him for the past few weeks, I was terribly sad that we couldn't experience the ball together.

I wanted to experience things with him, I wanted him in my life.

I missed him.

Not his closeness or the way he smelled but I missed the little things, the way he laughed or the way his strands fell down his face.

The jokes he made and the way we teased each other.

He was my friend and I missed him, as my friend.

No matter what Hannah said, I would make the distance I had built between us smaller again.

I was holding on to this friendship and it wouldn't let him go anytime soon.