Author's Note: This is Lucillia's fault. A few years back, that most prolific of fanfictional scribes posted a pair of stories under the general title "Minuet", describing what would happen if various ff malapropisms ("minuet" for "minute", for instance, hence the name) were to occur literally in the Harry Potter world. Now, of course, there are far more than two such suggestive sentences that have appeared in this fandom; therefore, since Lucillia has so far rejected all invitations to extend the series further, I have elected to take matters into my hands. Following are some of the results - complete with attributions, should anyone wish to examine these inspired inadvertencies in their original contexts. (Though it should be noted that at least seventeen of the passages in question have already been corrected by their authors, and others may well have been by the time you read this story - nor can I promise, of course, that none of the authors will delete their stories or change their pen names at some future date.)

A word about technique. Obviously, none of these vignettes actually reflect the intentions of the authors quoted, and in many cases the whole context of the passage has been radically altered. However, I have made it an ironclad rule that any pronoun will refer, if at all possible, to the same person or thing in the Minuet as in the original story, and any direct quote will be attributed to the same character. (And of course this applies to OCs and historical figures as well as to canon characters.) Also, you should perhaps be aware that, when you see an ellipsis like this . . . in a quote, it means that some part of the sentence, passage, or direct speech has been cut for the sake of brevity, whereas an ellipsis like this… represents an actual ellipsis included by the original writer; the distinction may, on occasion, be a crucial one.

Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to J. K. Rowling; the passages quoted belong to the authors named (except where otherwise marked); the cover image is by Filippo Baratti; a list of real historical personages and significantly employed texts can be found on my profile; various other allusions to works and persons not my own abound. The Minuets themselves, however, are strictly my own work.

Other Minuets collections: If you enjoy these vignettes, please be advised that I have also published Minuet collections for the Animorphs, Avengers, Batman, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Lord of the Rings, Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug and Cat Noir, NCIS, Percy Jackson and the Olympians, Star Wars, and X-Overs subcategories. All are currently available on my profile.

"We have [decided], by that I mean Professor McGonagall and I, that it would be best to have a privet sorting ceremony." –Brie Da Silva, "Slytherin's Saint"

"All right, ladies and gents," said Professor Sprout. "Each of you should have three bowls within arm's reach: one pewter, one copper, and one porcelain. Common privet leaves go in the pewter bowl, glossy privet in the copper, Japanese privet in the porcelain. Miss Koray is waiting in the entrance hall, and will be admitted inside as soon as each leaf is in its proper bowl. Begin."

"Remind me again why we do this every time a transfer student arrives?" Harry remarked as the assembled students set to sorting the foliage that covered the four House tables.

Hermione shrugged. "Hogwarts, A History doesn't say," she said. "Some half-remembered pagan custom, I imagine. –No, Ron, that one's Japanese."

"Harry and Neville were the only strait boys in their year in Gryffindor." –azamystic, "No Regrets"

"You're Gibraltareño, too?" said Kike Alfarero.

Névil Fondolargo nodded. "My grandparents were born on the Rock," he said. "They moved to England in the '60s, and my father and I were both born there; when I was still a baby, though, Abuelita moved back to Gibraltar, and I… well, I went with her."

Kike knew better than to probe. "Well," he said, throwing his arm around Névil's shoulder with a grin, "that's good news to me. I didn't expect to meet another Strait boy in the whole school, and here you are in my own year and House. Material for a beautiful friendship, ¿verdad?"

"20 years ago, society collapsed. There was no other word for it; one day it was still there, barley being kept upright, the next day there was nothing." –Terrific Lunacy, "Rebuilt"

"How could this have happened, Dumbledore?" said Fudge, his face white. "The Stalk of Treffynnon had fourteen centuries of magical protection supporting it; ever since Math foretold that wizarding civilisation would fall when it fell, the spells keeping it upright have been maintained religiously. It couldn't just have fallen over in the wind!"

"No," said Dumbledore, his face grim. "But if some powerful wizard attacked it – one whose power rivalled that of the greatest wizards of history, and who had a vested interest in plunging our world into chaos – that would be another matter."

Fudge paled, if possible, yet further. "You… you mean…?"

Dumbledore nodded. "I tried to warn you, Cornelius," he said. "I told you that Voldemort was planning some terrible enormity, and that we must join forces to have any hope of foiling him. It was not done, and now…" He sighed, suddenly old and weary. "Now we must endure the deluge."

And he turned and strode from the field, not sparing a backward glance as Fudge broke down and wept over the broken, withered stalk of barley.

"Having an edict memory wasn't abnormal by any means, but having magic made Harry's memory even more impressive." –Volunteer95, "What He Saw"

"Ha!" Ron exulted. "So much for your tying the game up, Malfoy! Attack 8, plus my three tokens and Luna's one: since she has the Macron power, that gives us 15 points, and you only have 13. Off to the warp with you!"

"Not so fast, Weasley," said Draco smoothly, laying down another card next to his Attack 10. "This Cosmic Zap says Lovegood's token only counts for one. That means you only have 12 points, and my attack prevails, giving me my fifth out-of-system base and…"

"Hang on," said Harry, causing all four players to turn in his direction. "Ernie, aren't there only two Cosmic Zaps in the deck?"

"Of course there are, Harry," said Ernie. "But Malfoy's the Vulch, so he gets to play edicts again after others have played them. So of course you'd expect to see it more than twice."

"Not more than three times, though," said Harry. "Not when he played the first Cosmic Zap himself. Don't you remember? The first time he challenged Luna, he had to Zap her to win his base; then he scavenged the other one when Ron Zapped you rather than take your Compromise card, and played it on Ron on his next turn. And you haven't reshuffled yet, so…"

Ron turned and gaped at Draco. "You cheating slimeball!" he said.

Draco reddened, but stood his ground. "Anyone can make accusations," he said. "Proving them's another…"

But Ernie had already pulled out his wand, and pointed it at the two cards. "Reverte Stationi!" he shouted – and, sure enough, the Cosmic Zap flew up off the table and slid itself neatly into the middle of the discard pile.

"Fewmets," Draco muttered.

"Is that what they teach you in Death-Eater training, Malfoy?" Ron demanded. "Lesson One, Killing Muggles; Lesson Two, Palming Cards?"

"I think he should lose his power for that," Luna remarked.

"Lose his power?" Ernie repeated. "We should throw him out into the snow, and his system hexagon after him!"

"Try it, Macmillan!" said Draco, pulling out his own wand. "You think you're tough? You think you're…"

At about this juncture, Harry found it judicious to wander quietly away from the table, reflecting how right he had been to think that, when one played Cosmic Encounter with a Slytherin, one could always use a kibitzer with a magically enhanced edict memory.