Kill the Alligator and Run Homer once again has a midlife crisis after reading a life expectancy quiz in a magazine. This time the family takes him to Florida. While there he accidentally kills a beloved alligator.
Plot
The chalkboard gag is "I am not here on a fart ball scholarship."
The couch gag is the Simpsons walking over hot coals and yelping in pain as they walk over the hot coals to get to the couch. They have burnt feet.
...
"Here's the mail, Dad. That'll be three dollars for on-couch delivery." Bart collected the Letters for Homer.
"No. I'm not paying you just for getting me the mail that I could have got myself. If I wasn't so lazy. Oooooh! I love this couch..." said Homer.
Oscar whipped out a black handgun and pointed it at Homer menacingly.
Homer yelped. "And three makes three." He paid Bart three dollars.
"Oz! Don't threaten Dad!" Lisa yelled.
"This isn't real money. It's printed by the Montana Militia." said Bart annoyed Homer gave him fake money.
"It'll be real soon enough." Homer was um being weird...
"Hehehe! Hannah Montana money..." Oscar laughed.
Bart groaned exasperated with Oscar.
"Hi, Oz." said Hugo, Bart's evil twin.
"Haaaaauuuwww! Hugey!" Oscar squealed and hugged Hugo.
"How'd you do on your science test?" Hugo asked him.
"I got a "D." Oscar sighed.
Homer frowned slightly but wasn't too disappointed. "Well that's not a good grade. You could do better. But at least you tried, unlike Bart..."
"Meh..." Bart looked at his last homework he got back. There was a big red F on it. He didn't care.
"Grrrr! I'm madder than..." Homer seethed at Bart.
"Me at money grabbing Michael Jackson false accusers and gas lighters?" Oscar asked.
Lisa seethed at him. "Oz! You've got to stop blindly supporting celebrities just because you like them! Remember those jokes you and Seth McFarlane wrote about all of Johnny Depp's exes...?!"
Seth wrote Peter cracking a joke about God ruining Ellen Barkin's face when he was ironing it.
"Oh dear! We'll put you in with Kelly McGillis." said God. Kelly looked like a horse.
"And then..." Lisa seethed.
We have a cutaway if Amber Heard shitting on the bed and screaming and breaking things.
"One, he hasn't met her yet! And secondly when we get round to that! His current girlfriend Vanessa says he's very loving! He visits sick kids in hospital dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow!" Oscar yelled.
"Kids don't bicker..." Homer sighed.
...
Homer looked at the mail.
"Bill, bill, bill... Death threat from Sideshow Bob to Bart... bill... bill... Oh! A magazine with those light hearted quizzes I take too seriously and annoy people by asking them their answers to! Are you a good driver, yes! Are you a good lover. I hope so! Now let's ask everyone else!"
He asked Ned.
"The quiz says you're a Frigid Frieda. Um I think that's the least romantic score on the quiz. Well ain't that a kicker! Eh?" Homer laughed.
Ned broke down in tears and sobbed.
Homer was baffled.
"Homer! His wife died six months ago!" Marge yelled.
"And?" Homer asked.
"We went to Maude's funeral! You fell in the open grave! You were talking about gophers the whole time!" Marge ranted.
"Oooooh!" said Homer.
Elsewhere...
Chris was dealing with the evil monkey in his closet.
The Evil Monkey glares and points while sinister music plays.
Chris screamed.
"Is the monkey from Narnia?" Oscar asked.
Chris face palmed exasperated.
"No, I'm actually from Africa..." said the Evil Monkey.
"Oz I need you..." Bart whined.
"Oh you need me again?" Oscar asked.
"I think Sideshow Bob's after me again..." Bart shivered.
"Nah he's locked up still after his last escapade... and Matt's used him a lot for reoccurring bad guy episodes... Let's try something else..."
There was shrill laughter.
Dr Demento arrived.
"Dr Demento!" Oscar and Bart screamed.
"In the flesh..." Dr Demento smiled.
"Oh I missed you boys so much! We've got a whole lot of catching up to do! Gahahahaha!" Dr Demento laughed hurling exploding skulls at them. I'm basing his mannerisms off of Ayam Aghoul.
Bart and Oscar shivered, they hugged frightened.
...
Homer read another of those dumb magazine quizzes in women's afternoon weekly magazines. The ones no one takes seriously...
Homer read it. "What is your life expectancy. Do you smoke? No. Do you drink? Yes! Do you eat a lot? Oh my guity secret! Mmmmmm..."
"I'm making braised ribs!" Marge called from the kitchen.
"Marge darling, can they be honey braised?" Homer asked.
Teddy drooled like Homer and gargled.
"Um no... the bear gets hungry..." said Marge.
"Stupid bear..." Homer sighed.
He continued reading the quiz. He screamed. "I'll only live till I'm 42?! Awwwww! But then I won't live to see my children die!" Um...
Homer groaned.
"Marge I'm having another midlife crisis..." Homer whined.
Marge came in wearing oven gloves and glowered at him. "Hmmmmm! This better not be like that time you aspired to be like Thomas Edison!"
"No this isn't like that time I wanted to be an inventor like Thomas Edison..." Homer sighed.
"Or that time you dreamt Heckle and Jeckle were at your funeral with President Lenny and Cardinal Flanders..." Oscar sighed exasperated.
At night.
"Can't sleep... gonna die... can't sleep... gonna die..." Homer groaned in his sleep.
Meanwhile, Bart's room.
"Can't sleep... clown will eat me... can't sleep... clown will eat me..." Bart groaned in his sleep.
Hugo woke up struggling to sleep and rolled his eyes.
"Some of us have school in the morning!"
Back in the master bedroom.
Homer thought the TV was trying to kill him.
"And my evil boardroom comrades, I'll say only one thing... Kill Homer Simpson!" said Mendoza.
Homer screamed. He changed the channel.
"I will now read the jury's verdict. Homer Simpson must die!" said an attorney.
Homer screamed.
...
The next morning Homer exhausted eventually nodded off.
Marge sighed relieved and tried to catch up on her sleep.
The alarm clock buzzed.
Bart's room. His black alarm clock radio went to radio.
"It's time to get deeeeemented! With the Doctor Demento show! Gahahahaha!" said a wacky voice on the radio.
Bart woke up screaming.
Everyone in the house heard him.
"Some of us have Grammar school today!" Lisa groaned.
"No you don't! You all attend Springfield Elementary!" said Homer.
Marge sighed. "Is it Sideshow Bob again..."
"No! It's Dr Demento again!" Bart whined mentioning his other arch enemy.
"Uh who's that?" Homer asked.
"The radio host stalking Bart for some reason who plays silly sound effects and weird songs. He also mentored Weird Al Yankovich." said Lisa.
Homer laughed. "weird Al... I love that guy..."
"Dad can you not like any celebrity that supports Dr Dementoid?!" Bart whined.
"Can you stop hiring Sergio Aragonés as a guest illustrator for your comics!" Oscar yelled at Bart.
Everyone winced.
"He named one of his comics after something I hallucinated when I was little and continues to mock me for." Oscar explained.
The Simpsons winced.
"Oz we're not cutting ties with Sergio just because you don't like him..." said Bart.
"Fine! Then my show Vortex Force will feature Dr Demento songs!" Oscar snapped. He sighed. "Why did I call my crossover fanfiction that..."
Hugo shrugged.
...
Homer states he got no sleep last night because he thought the TV was threatening to kill him.
"Hmmmmmmm! Homer you need to see a doctor. A head doctor." said Marge.
"I'm not crazy! It's the TV that's crazy!" Homer whined.
"Do not insult the TV!" Oscar yelled.
Marge sighed.
"If only I could find out what Dr Dementoid was planning now..." Bart was nervous about one of his enemies.
"Well I just googled him and he's blogging about a pool party he's having at his mansion." said Lisa.
"Hrrrrrrrmmmmm! I don't like you stalking celebrities." Marge sighed and made an anecdote about a time one of them stalked an obscure celebrity because they thought they had slighted them in some way.
"I'm sorry Mom but I'm obsessed with Chef Boyardee for some reason..." said Lisa.
Oscar cracked up laughing.
Marge decided to get Homer some help.
Elsewhere Lenny and Carl asked each other which member of the Backstreet Boys they liked.
"The rat faced one." said Lenny.
"Nah I prefer Nick. He's so good to his mother." said Carl.
Dr Demento's mansion. Which looks like one of those modern, white boxy rich houses with a pool and glass doors.
Bart, Lisa and Oscar peaked over the bushes and saw the sort of celebrities who were at Dr Demento's pool party and possibly part of his Legion of Doom.
"Look! There's Peewee Herman!" said Oscar.
Peewee Herman was at the pool party with his bicycle.
"And Andy Warhol and Salvador Dali..." said Lisa. "Wait! They're dead!"
I'm referencing that Daniel Radcliffe movie! Now shut up!
"Look there's Tiny Tim!"
High pitched singing and string instrument plucking.
"Well he's weird and creepy. I'm not surprised Bart." said Oscar.
"And there's Gallagher. That comedian dressed as a mime who smashes watermelons." said Bart.
"Such a waste of good melon..." Oscar sighed.
...
In the pool party.
"Yeah I hear they don't even hand out raincoats or tarps at his shows. Amateur hour..." said Gallagher sipping a cocktail.
Alice Cooper had a python or some other large constricting snake with him.
Tiny Tim was singing Living in the sunshine.
Also the B-52s were there.
Dr Demento was showing Weird Al around.
Outside behind the bushes.
"What's he planning..." Bart groaned.
"I dunno but best avoid those celebrities from now on..." said Oscar.
Plot 2
Elsewhere at the plant, Homer had gone completely nuts!
"So tell me, are all you government inspectors so handsome and strapping" Mr a Burns brown nosed the inspectors.
"Well, we've got a Soloflex down at H.Q." said one of the inspectors.
"Anyway, everything looks great, Mr. Burns. I can't find a single violation or employee acting strangely." said another. Unfortunately...
[Whimpers] "You got to hide me. Death is after me." Homer cried, hiding behind Mr Burns.
Death/The Grim Reaper was there laughing maniacally.
"And I don't entirely trust these cowboys." said Homer whimpering. There were imaginary cowboys pointing guns at him and snarling.
"Is this man an employee?" An inspector asked.
"Of course not. He's just a harmless maniac... here to remind us of the precious gift of sanity." said Mr Burns.
"Oh, God! What's he doing?" The safety inspector yelled.
Homer was suddenly dressed as a woman carrying a baby. "That's it. That's it. A mother can't die. And I'm a mother. See?"
Mr Burns felt uncomfortable.
Outside Dr Demento's mansion.
"We better leave before we get caught trespassing." said Oscar.
A shadow wearing a top hat covered them as the got the most peculiar feeling they were being watched.
Dr Demento laughed hysterically.
Bart, Lisa and Oscar yelped and shivered.
"Look! It's Santa! Hi Santa!" Teddy, Oscar's living teddy bear creature yelled.
Oscar winced exasperated. "Teddy are you gonna mistake everyone for Santa?!"
"Why are you trespassing on my property?" Dr Demento frowned.
"What are you up to Demento!?" Bart yelled.
"I am having a private pool party! And you are not invited!" Dr Demento went back inside his mansion.
...
Marge took Homer to therapy for what he did at work from his fear of death craziness.
Homer was breastfeeding a plastic baby doll.
"Anyhoo, I think your fear of death is causing your insomnia... which is provoking your erratic behavior." said Dr Payne.
"Well, why isn't my baby gaining weight?" Homer cried.
"Because it's made of plastic." said Dr Payne.
"I see." said Homer looking at his doll.
Marge sighed exasperated.
"What you need is a good, long rest. I suggest Florida." said Dr Payne.
"Florida? But that's America's wang." said Homer.
"They prefer The Sunshine State." said Dr Payne.
"I'm calling it America's wang..." Homer snarled.
The Simpsons all packed up and drove to Florida.
Bart and Lisa were fighting in the car.
"Mom, Bart's sitting next to me!" Lisa whined pushing him.
"Mom, Lisa's growing!" Bart whined.
Bart jogged Hugo making him drop his book.
"Mom! Tell these two imbeciles to sit and be quiet!" Hugo yelled.
"Quiet, you two. You know your father's had a breakdown." said Marge sharply to Bart and Lisa.
"My pockets hurt." said Homer depressed about dying.
"Okay, honey. We're almost to Palm Corners. There'll be nothing to do but lie on the beach and relax." said Marge.
Lisa and Bart were shoving each other.
"And stop annoying your brother! Why can't you two sit quietly and read like he is?!" Marge told Bart and Lisa off. Hugo was reading a book.
They had to pull up because there was a loud cheerful crowd partying.
"Yay! Spring break! Spring break!" Students cheered.
"Oh no! We came during spring break!" Marge groaned.
She gasped because a girl with huge breasts smooshed her boobs onto the windows of the car.
"Take them off of the glass! Take them off of the glass!" Marge covered her eyes disgusted.
"Ay carumba! M rated material!" Bart screamed.
"Ooooooh Hubba Hubba!" Oscar moaned pervertedly. He drooled and smooshed his face against the window while the girl was continuing to smoosh her boobs against the window.
"Eeeeeeew! Oz..." Lisa groaned.
...
The Simpsons were still stuck in the middle of a street party.
"This is a terrible vacation!" Lisa groaned.
"No it's not! It's perfect! Mmmmmm! Boobies..." Oscar moaned aroused.
"Oscar enough!" Lisa yelled.
"Hrrrmmmmmm... Don't worry sweetie we'll get you to our nice quiet... Homer?!" Marge comforted Homer but he had got out of the car!
Homer cheered and partied with the students.
"Wooooo! Party! Party!"
Homer and the students tipped Marge's car upside down.
Marge grunted as the car flipped upside down.
The kids sighed exasperated.
Suddenly there was a Tyrannosaurus Rex outside the car staring in at them and growling.
"What the?!" Marge gasped.
"Oscar's doing a Jurassic Park reference..." Bart groaned.
Students partied and a song played, I dunno probably Duran Duran.
At the Royal Frat Hotel.
Bart swapped the letters in Frat around so it now said Royal Fart Hotel.
He laughed.
Partying college Frat boys swapped the letters in Fart back to Frat and cheered.
Bart sulked.
In a bedroom.
"This is a terrible vacation. The whole point of this was to help you relax." said Marge.
"Uh no... The reason why we're in Florida is because Homer's frightened of dying young again but this time instead of aspiring to be an inventor he went crazy at work. This is a perfect vacation for Homer. Partying will help him forget his worries about his mortality." said Oscar.
Marge grumbled and frowned.
"Show us your boobs!" A Frat boy yelled.
"Not now..." Marge grumbled annoyed.
"You heard him Marge! Show everyone your boobs!" Oscar exclaimed.
"Oscar! Enough!" Marge told him off.
...
In the room, still...
"I'm amazed Oscar's dumb filler filled up a page..." said Bart.
Oscar socked him on the arm.
"Well for some moronic reason we both agreed the best way to help me with my panicking over dying young is to leave me alone while you lot go sightseeing. I'll just rest here, alone with my paranoid thoughts worrying about my early death..." said Homer.
Marge grumbled. "Okay I get it! My solution to this is stupid..." said Marge.
"We'll ho partying later..." She sighed to Homer.
"I'll rest here. Don't worry I won't leave this room." said Homer.
"I trust you dear." said Marge tying him to the bed.
"What are you doing?! He's panicking about dying young! He's not possessed by a demon!" Oscar yelled.
"Oz can you stop arguing with everyone this vacation?!" Lisa groaned.
"No! It's nonsensical! We're leaving a manic depressive who is worried about dying young, alone tied to a bed! He should be partying!" Oscar yelled.
Bart sighed.
"And if we're looking for an activity to do in Florida I suggest we go to Disney World!" Oscar yelled with joy.
"No! No way! We're not flippin going to Disney World!" Bart groaned.
"Disney World!" Oscar yelled.
Bart sighed.
They left Homer and locked him in.
"Before you go can you turn off the-" But we never find out what it was.
Marge and the kids went sight seeing.
One of the Frat boys partying outside was smoking pot.
"You're not supposed to be smoking that..." said Oscar.
The Frat boys laughed at him.
Marge sighed pulling Oscar away from them.
Elsewhere Homer broke out of the hotel room still tied to the bed. He took the bed with him.
"Party! Party!" He hitchhiked until a white truck of Frat boys and Sorority girls picked him up and took him to the nearest party or gig. They tied him and the bed to the roof of their truck.
"Party! Party!" Homer cheered.
...
Dr Demento's pool party.
Dr Demento introduced Weird Al to Tiny Tim.
(Girlish giggle) "My, you are the cat's pajamas." said Tiny Tim seeing some potential in Weird Al Yankovich.
"Is that a good thing?" Weird Al asked Dr Demento.
Dr Demento face palmed exasperated.
Florida, a Kid Rock concert.
"Whoo! Sepulveda here... doing the veejay thing for the most out-of-control spring break ever!" said a brunette lady hosting the event. "And since it's my birthday, we'll party extra hard!" (Beeping) She has a red Logan's Run hand crystal. "No! Not yet! I'm only 25!"
She's taken by Sandmen.
"Cooooool! Logan's Run reference..." Oscar cooed.
Bart face palmed.
"What up mosh monkeys! Here's the guy you've been waiting for... Kid Rock!"
Kid Rock was there. Um I don't know anything about him.
Then an albino midget in a sweater and a hip hop woolly hat arrived.
"Oh it's Joe C!" said Bart.
"No! It's an Oompa Loompa!" Oscar yelled.
"Oscar! Don't be offensive about vertically challenged people!" Lisa yelled.
Marge spotted Homer still tied to the bed in the crowd. She gasped. "Oh no! Your father got out and is in the mosh pit!"
"Eh... As long as he doesn't embarrass us or get into trouble..." said Bart.
Homer annoyed Joe C and Kid Rock by climbing on stage and being out of style because he likes older bands these kids hate.
"Let's waste this beeeeeyotch!" Joe C yelled. He called security to beat up Homer.
Homer cried in pain as he was being beaten up.
Lisa, Bart, Maggie and Hugo shook their heads embarrassed.
...
A swamp.
The Simpsons were on a hovercraft with those enormous fans on the back going about a swamp.
"And here comes Florida's most beloved and famous resident... Captain Jack-" said the tour guide.
"Sparrow!" Oscar yelled.
Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow was wading in the swamp. "Where's the rum gone?"
Oscar laughed.
Bart seethed.
"Uh no. Captain Jack, the alligator." said the tour guide.
There was a bull alligator swimming about in the mire.
"I wanted Captain Jack Sparrow..." Oscar hissed.
The Simpsons groaned exasperated.
"Let's go back to the concert..." Homer sighed.
Plot 3
At the concert, again...
Joe C was high fiving the fans.
"Oh no! A lost child! I'll catch him!" Homer tackles Joe C.
"You idiot! Security! Waste this beeeeeyotch!" Joe C yelled.
Oscar laughed.
"Dad that's not a kid... that's Joe C, a famous rapper who is vertically challenged." Lisa sighed.
"Or has a growth hormone syndrome that stopped him growing..." said Hugo.
"Oompa Loompa... doopity dooooo!" Oscar sang mocking little people.
Bart frowned at him.
Then to mock Kid Rock's slang.
"What's up Mosh Monkeys?"
There were monkeys in the crowd hooting and screeching.
"Poison green monkeys..." said Dark Oscar in spirit form.
Bart rolled his eyes.
"What's up chew toys?" said Kid Rock to the fans.
Oscar was squeezing a squeaky toy shaped like a bone. It was blue in colour with yellow bone shapes printed all over it.
Teddy, his living teddy bear creature yapped and caught the squeaky toy in his mouth and chewed it.
(Squeaky toy squeaking.)
Bart groaned exasperated.
Then because the Simpsons didn't explain whether this arena was the gig arena in Orlando or Miami... I think those are the only gig or concert arenas in Florida...
"Look Marc Anthony!" said Lisa.
Oscar snapped his finger or Thanos Snapped.
Marc Anthony the musician or recording artist was now Mark Anthony, the Roman boyfriend of Queen Cleopatra.
Bart face palmed.
"Right that's it! Back to the swamp..." Homer groaned.
"Get outta my Swamp!" Shrek yelled.
"Not a thing yet Oz..." Bart groaned.
...
The swamp.
The Simpsons and the tour guide, exasperated with Oscar went looking for Captain Jack, the alligator not the pirate.
Oscar pouted.
Captain Jack was rolling about in the stagnant water with the other gators.
"What does he eat?" Lisa asked.
"Usually just convicts or Hobos who get lost in the swamp." said the tour guide.
"Oh! Do we have any hobo body parts to feed him with!" Homer asked being stupid. No because that would be murder...
"No not today." said the tour guide.
"Feck off ya bastards! I'm trying to sleep!" A hobo on the hovercraft shouted. He took a slug of his bottle of gin. Or possibly White Lightning or methylated spirits...
Bart winced.
Then Oscar wanted to visit stupid places in the swamp...
"Like Shrek's house..." said Oscar.
"Not a thing yet Oz..." Bart groaned.
"Oh! Or Dr Kanaga and Tee Hee's alligator and crocodile farm..." said Oscar.
"Oz that's in Sans Monique, a fictional Island in the Caribbean..." Hugo sighed.
"We're all fictional..." Oscar broke the fourth wall...
Later...
The Simpsons were taking photos.
Captain Jack the alligator yawned.
"He can climb up our toilet any day..." Bart was admiring the alligator.
"Uh no... we got a gator stuck in our toilet once when Mom got arrested for shoplifting at the Kwik E Mart. Oscar kept being stupid saying it was Kraid from Metroid..." said Lisa.
Oscar frowned at Lisa.
"Does Captain Jack eat smart mouthed little girls..." He asked annoyed.
...
The Simpsons then went orange picking. Because Florida is known for its orange juice. Mmmmmm Florida oranges...
"Ahhhh, I think I'm recovering from my scurvy." said Hugo.
"Shame you lost most of your teeth Hugo..." said Lisa.
"This is a terrible activity! It's boring and Clownja hates oranges! They mess with his equilibrium and are thwarting the rise of the glorious clown regime! Hail our shiny red nosed masters." Oscar groaned.
Billy frowned.
Bart groaned exasperated.
Hugo was lost for words.
Clownja was disgusted by the oranges.
(Clownja jabbers.)
"Look, how can the clowns enslave us with all these oranges!" Oscar yelled.
Billy frowned. "Why the Underworld do you want to help the clowns?! They're nothing but eviiiiiil! And they'll destroy us all! Destroy us all! Destroy us all!"
"Oh crud!" Bart groaned.
He kept screaming that all day...
Even in the restaurant...
"I'll take the chicken."
He had chicken. "Destroy us all! Destroy us all! Destroy us all!"
Then Hugo was in their apartment writing complex formulae on a blackboard.
Billy wrote 4 plus 1 = Moo!
Oscar winced.
"Destroy us all! Destroy us all!" Billy was still screaming.
Hugo was dissecting frogs.
Billy was still screaming "Destroy us all!"
Hugo sighed frustrated.