AN: hi everyone! Thank you for reading! We've got a longer chapter with A LOT going on. Originally this was gonna be two but I think it's better. Thanks to those that have reviewed. Hope you enjoy! :)

Chapter 4

Back when the boys were 12, they had one of their sleepovers. It just so happened that Carlos was sick that day and Logan was visiting an Aunt, leaving just Kendall and James. At Kendall's house they had comic books under the covers with a flashlight. Something that if they would've acted like they were too old for it. But being just the two of them, they embraced the nostalgia of this childlike act. They got to the point where the hero rescued the damsel in distress. And they kissed.

"They always have to add a kiss it feels like," James said, annoyed.

"Is that bad?" Kendall asked. "I think it's kinda nice."

"I guess I'm just annoyed cuz I don't know what it's like." James played with his toes as he spoke.

"Well me neither," Kendall added. "I wanna know what it's like to kiss somebody."

"Me too," James agreed. After a pause he added. "What if we just got it out of the way, right now."

"Like kiss each other?" Kendall asked. Though he wouldn't ever admit it, he had thought about what it would be like to kiss another boy as well girls. Though the former he was more interested in knowing.

"Why not?" James replied. "Just to find out. Doesn't have to mean we like each other. Right?"

The statement slightly wounded Kendall. Because, James was indeed one of the boys that Kendall wanted to kiss. Feelings or not, this was his chance. "Sure."

"Ok then. I guess we just do it, then." The statement bordered on being a question.

"We just do it," Kendall said, releasing a breath.

"Ok."

A few seconds passed before James closed his eyes and leaned forward. This is it! Kendall thought as he began to do the same.

And just like that their lips touched. Kendall's heart fluttered with glee as everything he wondered about himself set off and he knew this felt right. The kiss may have lasted but three seconds before James pulled away. "How was it?" He asked.

Kendall blinked before answering in an attempt to play it cool. "It was nice."

"Yeah, now when we find girlfriends, it'll be a piece of cake," James stated as if he just nailed a hockey drill. But Kendall just agreed knowing he couldn't make it known how that had been one the if not the best moments of his life at the time. "Right."

"And it will be our little secret?"

"Yup." Kendall kept his head up the best he could, trying to remember that complete joy he had joy felt. The rest of the night they continued with their comics till they were ready for bed. But Kendall's energy had a shift. From that moment, James was no longer just Kendall's best friend. He was the boy Kendall had developed a complete infatuation with. The warmest and most devastating Kendall had ever experienced.

Back in Venice, the two boys slept in the same bed once again. And as the sun was rising, Kendall found himself having grabbed onto James in his sleep. He allowed himself to be giddy for a moment but then settled into reality. As much he wanted to stay that close to the brunette, he knew he was better off releasing before he woke up.

He took a final moment to remember this feeling, the warmth of his body. As Kendall began to shift, he also saw down below a bump in James' sweats. It's just morning wood, Kendall thought. But he still allowed his eyes to linger until the other boy also adjusted wrapping his arms around Kendall this time. Kendall's heart fluttered, as he struggled on whether he should allow this to continue or not. Temptation won over him this time allowing the taller boy to spoon him. He felt a gentle pulse that was James's erection, which manifested his own.

Fuck, Kendall thought. He reached for his phone and checked the time. 7:45. The four boys should be getting ready for the studio soon. Except there was a text from Kelly to the group chat with her, the boys, and Gustavo.

Kelly: Studio session canceled for today. C u tomorrow at 8 :)

Carlos and Logan already sent thumbs up emojis. Kendall added one of his own. He scrolled through a number of notifications and emails he had no interest in entertaining at the moment. He decided to put it down altogether and soak in James cuddling him.

Maybe 30 minutes passed when James began to stretch himself awake. He'd seemed confused for a moment as he propped himself up. "Damn," he said, his voice carrying a sexy huskiness from just waking up. "Didn't mean to fall asleep in here."

"It's cool," Kendall said, wishing the moment wasn't over. "They canceled the studio session for today."

"Sweet, that means I'm going surfing today," James mused, getting out of the bed to leave. "You coming with?"

"Nah," Kendall said. He couldn't handle being this close to James much longer after this. At least not right now. He wouldn't be able to stop himself from pining and yearning for everything James had to offer. He had to quit while he was ahead.

Come to think of it, Kendall was shocked that James just acted like nothing happened. Of course they'd shared a room for years together and even slept in the same bed when they were kids. But this was a level of affection that was all new. And Kendall didn't know what to make of this lack of reaction. The other boy left Kendall with a longing heart a series of questions. Questions Kendall wasn't sure he'd ever ask.

Carlos decided to join James for surfing, leaving just Logan and Kendall. Both of them were suddenly very aware that it had been awhile since the two had been alone together and decided to hike up to Griffith Park. Logan divulged about how things were much nicer with Camille now that she had her own place and a successful role in a Netflix series. The space was healthy for them to miss each other. The walk and nature seemed as chill and easy as ever until Logan shifted the conversation to Kendall.

"Do you ever miss, Jo?" Logan asked.

Kendall was taken aback a little. The two of them parted ways six months ago, claiming they were growing apart with touring and learning about themselves. They were the only ones that knew the truth. That Kendall was gay and didn't want to continue the lies. At first she was upset that their relationship wasn't what she thought it was. But after a while they'd grown to continue a very special relationship.

"In a way," Kendall responded, pleased that he wasn't lying. "But I don't want to get back together."

"You ever think about finding someone else?" There was a softness in Logan's tone that Kendall wasn't very fond of. He felt like he was being treated like a wounding puppy and couldn't seem to understand why. What made Logan suddenly so interested in Kendall's romantic affairs.

"Yes and no," Kendall said. "Like I'm not gonna make a move on anybody anytime soon."

"Are you gay?" Logan asked.

Kendall's jaw dropped. He didn't think that he gave off any indicators of being gay. "Why do you ask that?"

"I've seen the way you've been looking at dancers, Dak, the guys on this trail even," Logan asserted Looking at Kendall as if to say, Do you think I'm blind?

Knowing things would get more awkward if he denied it, he looked down and confirmed Logan's suspicions. "Yes," he said.

"It's all good, Buddy." Logan gave him a pat on the back. "I don't care if you're gay. I want you to be happy and yourself."

Kendall felt a sense of shock having told one of his closest friends for the first time, but was extremely relieved at the reaction.

"And don't worry," Logan added. " I won't tell anyone."

They continued on, Logan had asked if Kendall had any crushes currently but he knew he couldn't just give everything away. He knew that his feelings for James were too complicated. On their way back they'd decided to get burritos and pick up some for Carlos and James.

They all reconvened back at the house sharing most of the details of their days. Watched a couple action movies. For the first time in a long time they all felt like friends again instead of stressed business partners. As they were heading off to bed James lingered behind Kendall. And tapped him on the shoulder. The shorter half of the group had already retreated to their room.

"Are you tired tonight?" James asked.

"A little. Why?"

"I thought we could hangout, again." There was a longing in James's eyes. Kendall almost wanted to believe it was for the reasons he'd hoped. "Maybe go into town."

"Yeah. We can do that." Kendall couldn't help but smile.

The two went downstairs and outside to the twilight night, but James started walking past his car.

"Where are you going?" Kendall asked.

"We're taking the scooters," James said. He stopped at a small rectangle painted on the street. This box housed a few electric scooters available to rent through an app. "C'mon we've been living here for months, we've never used them."

Kendall just shook his head and smiled. "Alright then."

The boys set themselves up in the app and began breezing through the town. The cooling air whipping through his hair, Kendall couldn't believe that this was his life. James was ahead occasionally taking glances back at Kendall to smile and laugh. The thrill of sharing this moment, just his crush and him had him beaming the entire time. They rode like that til James led them to a spot to park just steps from Venice Beach.

"That was so much fun! Why haven't we done this before?" Kendall asked.

"Cuz we never just get out and go for it," James replied, starting to head for the boardwalk, which was a misnomer since there were no boards. Kendall followed thinking about what James said as if the explanation was beyond what he asked. Was this his sign? Because now more than ever did he want to put his feelings for his friend out.

"Speaking of going for it," James started. He placed his hands in his pockets and Kendall could tell there was something off. "I wanted to tell you something."

"Yeah," Kendall said. Was this gonna be the moment? Had James seen him the way Logan did? Did he know all along and was planning to make a move? Or was he just going to tell him something as normal as any other day?

"So when I went surfing today I met this guy," James continued. Kendall's expression became one of confusion. "And he asked me out. I think I'm gonna hangout with him."

Nausea and despair rushed over Kendall. He froze at James's revelation and assessed what it meant. First, James was interested in men. Second, he was interested in another man. And finally, James wasn't interested in him.

"Kendall?" James asked, his face softened with concern.

"Oh," Kendall snapped out of his head and responded. "That's cool. Since when did you like men?"

"Since I was young. I guess I've always liked boys and girls. I figured if I could talk to anyone about it, it'd be you."

"Yeah." The blonde's voice was shaky. "You can tell me anything, you know."

"Thanks, man," James said but he was growing aware of the blonde's unease. "You ok?"

Kendall nodded. "Yeah, my tummy is just starting to hurt." James looked skeptical but didn't push it.

"Then let's get an Uber home." They waited in silence for their ride, said no words on the drive home and all that was exchanged at the end of the night was James wishing Kendall to feel better soon just before Kendall got into bed and cried himself to sleep.