Shepard stared at those six words for a long time. At first she felt what she could only describe as how she thought getting shot with her HMWSR sniper rifle was like, but when her rational brain caught up with the gut-punch of the emotional ploy, she found herself trying to stifle her laughter. She'd been blackmailed before, but this was certainly the most creative attempt she'd ever seen. She felt like replying to the message, telling Cerberus that they'd have better success at this scam if they did their homework first. She'd never even been pregnant.
When Garrus entered the room, he smiled at her laughter.
"What's all this about?" he asked as he walked to her side.
"Just about the worst attempt at blackmail I've ever seen." Shepard replied, wiping moisture from the edges of her eyes.
Garrus leaned over and read the message, his face contorting into confusion.
"I'm missing something," he confessed.
"When I dropped off Miranda and Jacob's bodies at the coordinates the Illusive Man gave us, I was forced into a "convenient" interaction with a young girl who I thought they were running tests on. Apparently this," she pointed to the computer screen, "was their end-game."
"Doesn't seem like Cerberus to be this stupid." Garrus replied, amusement playing in his voice.
"Nope, but it brightened my day considerably." Shepard chuckled again.
"Might want to send it to Liara anyway." Garrus suggested
"Yea, I will. She's keeping track of all Cerberus projects so she'll wanna add this to the list. Plus, she'll probably get a kick out of it."
"You going to ask her to look into the girl?"
"Yea. She didn't appear to be in any physical danger, but if anyone can track down the girl's real family, it's Liara."
Shepard tapped around on the computer for a few silent moments before returning to conversation with Garrus.
"There," she said with a satisfied look, "now Liara has a new mystery to solve, and I'm free to join the celebration."
"You're going to come out with us then?" he asked, raising his brow.
"Yea. Most of the crew is on shore leave so it will be mostly friends. I think I can take off my commander hat for one night." she replied.
"Plus, nothing like drinking to a memory to take your mind off Cerberus schemes." Garrus added.
"Let's go give Tali and the others a proper send off." Shepard took the Turian's hand in hers and walked with him towards the elevator.
Brass, the Alliance-patron heavy bar near the special forces base, was near constantly packed with soldiers in various stages of their N training. Though personal time was strictly policed by the program's instructors, the hypocrisy of preventing soldiers from participating in an activity so essential for the higher-ups, led to the bar being an unsanctioned-but condoned-hot-spot. Shepard herself had spent many off-nights here drinking her fellow recruits under the table.
Entering an Alliance bar with a Turian in tow was a rare sight around here, and the two of them got interesting looks as they walked over to join the rest of the Normandy's crew. Shepard clamped her hands on the shoulders of two members of her team with a smile on her face.
"So what are we drinking tonight, boys?"
"Ho-ly shit," a voice behind the bar started in surprise. "Never thought I'd see you back in my bar Shep."
Shepard looked at the bartender and smiled wider than half the crew had seen her smile before. "Hardy! Good to see ya." she reached over the bar and clasped the man in a tight, warm handshake. "Thought you would be sick of babysitting the N-kids by now."
"I would be if they didn't tip so damn well when they're drunk," Hardy joked. "What brings you home?"
"Celebrating a successful mission and drinking to some memorable friends." Shepard explained, her smile faltering for a moment.
"Well we can't let you drink the piss I serve the rest of these fools." Hardy ducked out of sight behind the bar for a moment and pulled out a dusty bottle. "You only drink to damn good friends, and any damn good friend of yours deserves to be sent off in style."
"Thanks Hardy. A damn good friend indeed." Shepard agreed as she grabbed the bottle.
Hardy started sliding shot glasses towards her and Shepard filled them up and handed them out to the crew. Ten glasses later, the bottle was nearing empty and Shepard raised it high above her head, silencing the crew.
"The universe is a big place," Shepard started her speech, lowering the bottle to her side. "So big that the chances of us finding each other were unfathomably small. But we did." She scanned her friend's eyes. "We come from different planets, different homes, and some of us from different species, yet in each other we found family." She saw a few nodding along with her. "Tali, Jacob, and Miranda were part of that family for a long time, and we all share the void they left." Shepard grit her teeth. "We went through that relay ready and willing to die for the safety of our universe. We fought hard, and ruthless, and bloody for it." Shepard's voice grew stronger. "They died making sure we could come home safe, and we're never going to forget them because of it." Shepard raised the bottle above her head once again. "So now we drink..."
"To Tali," Garrus said as he raised his glass.
"To Miranda," Mordin said, doing the same.
"To Jacob," Grunt copied.
"To kicking Collector ass," Joker shouted, making the whole group chuckle.
"To telling the Illusive Man to fuck off," Jack joined in, causing another ripple of laughter.
"To the skills of our brilliant pilot," Dr. Chakwas nodded at Joker with a smile.
"To the Doctor for patching us up," Mess Sergeant Gardner raised his glass to Chakwas.
"To slightly more tolerable food," Goldstein said snidely, more laughter followed as Gardner smacked him playfully across the head.
"To the ship we call home," Daniels toasted.
"To the woman we all wish we didn't wanna die for," Donnelly added.
"and the friends I can't live without," Shepard finished smiling at all of them. "May we be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows we're dead." Shepard reached the bottle towards the center of the table & and added it to the chorus of clinking glassware, sending a few drops from the others' glasses trickling down the bottle's side and onto the table below. She tossed back the remainder of the whisky and savored the feel of it burning down her throat. The rest of the crew followed suit.
"Keelah Se'lai" she whispered under her breath as the burning dissipated.
"Damn good toast" Hardy praised her as he walked over to their table to retrieve the bottle and empty glasses.
"Thanks, They're a damn good crew."
"I don't mean to interrupt your shore leave, but I think we need to talk." Hardy said as he lowered his voice half a register.
"Sure." Shepard said as she gestured to Garrus that she'd return in a minute.
Hardy dropped the dishes off behind the bar and then led Shepard through to his back room. The room was half office, half storage, but looked like it more-often-than-not had been storage. Crates and kegs of alcohol were stacked in the far corner and the room smelled slightly of cedar wood.
"There's been some unrest lately around here," Hardy started.
"What do you mean, unrest?" Shepard asked.
"Well, the media's kind of been all over the story of humanity's first Spectre gone rogue with Cerberus, and things have been culminating."
"Hardy, you're dodging around the issue. Just tell me."
"There's talk of an investigation," He finally admitted.
Shepard's heart thumped in her chest. "On a scale of 'fact-gathering' to 'court martial,' how far along is this investigation?"
"Court martial," Hardy confessed.
"Fuck," Shepard sighed, "they've probably been tracking my movements since we docked."
"Probably," Hardy agreed. "I've known you for a long time Shepard, I trust you had your reasons for working with Cerberus, but they are a terrorist organization."
"I never expected a hero's welcome, but I didn't think they'd court-martial me."
"Nothing's official of course, they can't due to your Spectre status. Technically, you answer only to the council, so everything Alliance-side has been very hush-hush."
"How good's your information?"
"I've still got friends high up," Hardy evaded.
"Anderson?" Shepard asked.
"You didn't hear it from me," he nodded his head slightly.
"I appreciate the heads up."
"You saved my ass once, now we're even," he replied only half seriously.
"I better get out of here before trouble shows up," she told him, clasping his hand in hers for a final handshake.
"Take care of yourself." He reached a burly hand out and cuffed her on the shoulder.
"You too."
Shepard returned to the main room and walked over to the bar. Reaching behind it she grabbed a pen off the register and stole a few napkins. She scribbled quickly on them, then folded them in half and scribbled again on each napkin's new top. After replacing the pen she returned to the crew who were having plenty of fun without her. She blended seamlessly back into the conversation and managed to covertly pass out her napkin-notes.
Grabbing one more shot off the table, she slammed it, announcing her need for the restroom and stumbled towards the lady's room, winking at Hardy as she passed.
If anyone noticed that Shepard never returned from the bathroom, they didn't mention it. Two minutes after she disappeared, Joker ducked his head quickly to his lap. If Hardy hadn't seen Shepard's wink, he wouldn't have been watching close enough to see the napkin he was reading from.
"I should get back to the ship before you assholes make me break something." Joker hollered at the group as he got shakily to his feet, The crew roared with laughter. "Give me a hand home Jack?"
The group whooped salaciously after them as they stumbled out the door together, Jack taking the time to flip them the bird before the door shut behind them.
Five minutes after they left, Garrus also ducked his head, made an excuse, and walked out the door.
Hardy watched amused as every few minutes someone else in Shepard's group played out a eerily similar scenario, leaving alone or in small groups. By the time the Alliance Brass showed up, all that remained of the original group was a very drunk doctor and Mess Sergeant attempting, quite terribly, to flick quarters into empty shot glasses. Hardy wiped the bar down with a rag and smiled.