As Elaina rode back to merlin and Arthur's campsite, she was not the same woman who had left them. A permanent blush still deepened her cheeks, with a sensitivity and sweet soreness lingering in her body, which made her recall every action taken that night, which she would carry with her until she saw Gwaine again.

Neither one had been any the wiser, supposedly assuming that she and Gwaine merely shared the night in storytelling which was partly true between kisses and other things…

However, if Arthur had any inkling of their other activities, Elaina was certain he would be chasing after Gwaine with a blade at the ready, so it was fortunate that unlike Gwen he didn't have any intuition for what Elaina's glow meant.

The women had giggled and though Gwen was bashful at the idea of the act, she actually puckered up the courage to ask Elaina questions concerning it. She never had a mother same as her lady, so there was no one she could have these talks with to prepare her for when she might share something as intimate with a person. Now that Elaina had experience, she was her only source of trusting information over what to expect, hearing whispers of pain and blood, or that for some newlywedded women, not knowing what their role was during.

To this Elaina assured Gwen, that though her first worries were true if the man was the right one, then he would be her guidance through it all ensuring that she was fine to continue and attentive to any pain. That he would respond to her bodies needs as she would pick up on his own, to make it pleasurable for the both of them rather than it being one sided.

They were after all becoming one with the act.

Then Gwen asked another question, this time much more hesitant.

"and what if you were to become…"

Elaina couldn't figure out what she had meant until the handmaid pointed to her stomach. Some women of their time before sharing their beds with a man, never knew how a child is conceived. Their mothers retained that bit of knowledge, out of embarrassment, decency or worry that if they knew they would bring it onto themselves somehow out of wedlock, tarnishing their reputation. ridiculously, Elaina couldn't deny that even a woman's monthly courses, which she had helped girls through with herbal remedies, had been discussed with some vulgarity, despite it being a normal bodily function. It was so strange that women were so foreign to their own bodies abilities as nature intended, while men could flaunt it if they wish.

It was by being around men and their humour Elaina believed she got her better understanding, hearing of boys getting women into trouble, which her governess broadened on when she first drew blood, furthered by Elaina's medical knowledge.

In which case, Gwen was worried that Elaina might find out further down the line that she was with child.

Elaina could agree that now was not the time for that to happen. She and Gwaine still did not know when they would be together again, or how that might come to be, so a child would hasten it before they could have a plan in place in how they were going to live and support one another. It wouldn't help either to continue with a pregnancy whilst being Uther's unmarried ward. To be with child, Elaina didn't trust what the king might do with her once the child was born or with the infant itself. So many stories she had heard of noblewomen being locked away until birth and the babe stripped from their arms to never be seen again and live on in madness over what their fate might have been. Or another option was that he banished her completely from the kingdom, without no money or possessions to her name, which would bring her back in forcing Gwaine into owning up to a responsibility neither at this moment was ready for.

As such, Elaina took a herb from a jar she kept hidden in her desk which she had plucked especially for some of the women in the lower quarter who find themselves in desperate situations to survive.

"could you bring me some hot water?" she asked politely, to brew it in. this would keep at bay that worry if she drank it today and tomorrow at least.

Gwen nodded, understanding that it must relate to the topic she brought up and did so promptly so as not to delay the task, if this was her friends wish and choice, which Gwen respected in Elaina's ability to take control over her own body.

While she was left alone, Elaina fell onto her bed not having slept a wink but oddly alert to everything around her since she had been comforted and soothed, easing a part of her that has always been restless, which hours of sleep had never managed to regulate before.

It had been hard to go their separate ways again, lingering as much as they could unable to stop kissing or holding each other as they slowly got dressed, before morning could break. It was a sort of mournful silence, scared to speak since what they wanted was to beg the other to stay with them, which would only create unnecessary torture when they both knew that for now, they could not.

The longing had worsened as well as the sense that Elaina did not belong anywhere if not with Gwaine and she missed the feeling he had described in finding home with one another. So now, she felt out of place without him, like she was only half the woman she could be when he inspired her full potential and need to be better than what she was.

She contemplated whether it was a healthy notion but came to the conclusion that their affection was freely given and received, without reminder to show each other that, as they just did it naturally and she certainly never took him for granted after doing so much for her. they carried mutual respect as Gwaine was a good man who fought for what he believed in and she trusted that he would never hurt or put Elaina in an impossible position that would make her question her own morals. All the secrets they had were shared though they were also aware of boundaries that made it easier in the long run for them to overcome when ready, without being held in contempt. That meant they could grow together, without altering how they felt.

Having something like that, then of course Elaina was going to yearn for Gwaine. So, she cut herself some slack that after her previous experience with Edwin, this was not the same obsessive fantasy of love to frighten her with.

And as Elaina gazed outside her window, she imagined Gwaine out in the fields looking back at her, "until we meet again my love.

to be continued in Elaina of Camelot: The Reckoning