a/n: cw: the story gets explicit now! feel free to skip this chapter :)

"But we might just get away with it/ Religion's in your lips/ Even if it's a false god/ We'd still worship/ We might just get away with it/ The altar is my hips/ Even if it's a fals god/ We'd still worship this love."-False God, Taylor Swift

Chapter 18

Rey stood with her back pressed to the door, and I had moved in the room knowing I'd need to create distance. My need for her was excruciating, and knowing she loved me as I loved her was elating. Well, that was not exactly true-no one could love anyone else as much as I loved Rey.

I flexed my hands once as I took her in again, anxious to touch her again, my nerve endings a live wire; she looked lovelier than ever, staring up at me under her thick lashes, her lips parted, her cheeks flushed. The smallest of smiles played on her lips as she looked at me, and I could feel a heady energy crackle between us via the Force.

"Can I kiss you again?" Rey asked. "Seeing as that's why you brought me back here." She flitted her eyes around my room, and I at once felt a pang of worry for having brought her back to my room. I didn't want to seem presumptuous, although I was hopeful.

I was standing in such a tense position, I barely even registered that she had asked me a question. I nodded tersely, once, and immediately Rey slinked away from the door, bringing her hands to her sides, which had previously been wedged behind her back and the door. She closed the space between us slowly, and her arms slid up my front to let her fingers snake into my hair, at the base of my skull. She looked up at me, her eyes swimming with so much emotion I could barely breathe. Love, adoration, want, need, it was all there. I only had to let her express it.

Aided by her glossy black heels, she craned her neck up to kiss me. To say I melted into the kiss would be un understatement-I drowned in it.

It was so soft at first, until my eyes fluttered closed and I instinctively opened my mouth in a sigh that came from the back of my throat. My hands came up to hold her neck, to hold her waist, to caress the side of her face. Her skin was silken and smooth, and warm from what was already building up between us. She let her lips fall open demurely, and the kiss deepened before either of us knew what was happening.

"Ben, I-" Rey spoke when she pulled away to breathe. Her lips were now plumped and glistening from the kiss, and she looked up at me, wonderstruck. "Ben, I don't know..." she began to gesticulate with her hands, as if she was trying to grab the air in front of her to manipulate to explain something to me. I tucked my chin, looking at her on a more level gaze this way. My hand found its way to her chin.

"You don't know what?" I asked softly, curious about what she had to tell to me. She bit her lip, and her eyes were moving around the room. Her hands began to fidget with her dress on her hips.

"Rey...?" She finally looked at me, and her expression looked a bit defeated.

"I don't know what I'm doing," she explained quickly, letting the words fall out. "I don't how to do...this." She looked down, and I could tell the tint in her face deepened to a charming crimson. I understood precisely what she meant, and it was only to be expected-I wasn't sure how much romantic experience she had had. I brought both of my hands to hold her gently right under her shoulders.

"That's okay, Rey," I told her, trying to assure her. "If you don't mind my asking, have you done this kind of thing before?" She shook her head meekly. I nodded to myself, thinking of what to say that could relieve her anxiety.

"We don't have to do anything you don't want to, Rey-"

"But I do want to," she cut me off, snapping her head up to look at me. I had to hold back a smirk at her eagerness, but I just nodded once. "I want you, Ben, and I know how this...works, I just don't know what I'm doing, or if I'll mess up, or-"

"Rey," it was my turn to cut her off. I glided my hands up her shoulders and neck to her face, to hold it in between my hands. "You won't mess up anything. If you do want this, that's okay. If you don't want this, that's okay too." She nodded in resolve, it seemed, and before I really got to drink in her expression, she was on my lips again. Emboldened, it seemed.

"You'll help show me what to do?" She breathed into my mouth as we parted lips for a parsec to suck in air. The thought alone made me worried she could feel my growingly obvious arousal at her.

"Of course, sweetheart," I let my fingers comb through her chestnut hair. If our last kiss had been soft and tender, this one was downright ravenous as we both fought to take in as much of the other as we could, our hands finding no place to stay for long.

"I think," Rey spoke in between kisses. "We should be on the bed for this." I wholeheartedly agreed, although I'd take Rey anywhere I could. Even the floor would suit, but she deserved better than that. I was going to try to do as good of a job at this as I could, for her.

I moved us backwards until my legs hit the back of the bed, and I turned around to let Rey sit down, and I followed as she fell back.

"I also think," another kiss. "That you should have less clothes on." She was pawing at my suit jacket, at the fine velvet there. I laughed against her lips and she giggled into my very soul. I sat up, on my knees, to take my jacket off, and Rey followed, not taking her mouth from mine. She pushed it down my arms, and then started to fiddle with my cravat, but I wrapped my hands around hers in a gentle gesture. She pulled back from my face, and the crease in between her brows was puckered in confusion.

"Not yet, my love," I told her. "Is it okay if I take your dress off?" Rey nodded at me slowly, and fidgeted to bring the hem of her dress up above her knees, where I began to lift the soft fabric. She lifted her arms up so I could discard the dress completely, and when I looked back at her, she had her arms crossed in front of her bare chest, the silvery scars shining in the moonlight that shone in through the window.

I placed a hand on top of her forearm, and looked at her with a gaze that asked, 'may I, please?" She nodded slowly once more, looking down at the bed, as she moved her arms to her sides. She was clearly conscious about what was happening, how vulnerable she was being, but she had no reason to be. She was more beautiful than a supernova, than anything I'd ever seen in my life. I dipped my head to kiss her deeply, and her arms wound around my neck quickly. I urged her to lay back, and I began to kiss down her neck, along her jaw, by her ear. Her hands wound tighter in my hair, and I smiled knowing she enjoyed this, enjoyed me.

I let my index finger graze along the top of her basics, and I the muscles of her toned stomach tightened as I did so, my hand ghosting just at her naval.

"Do you trust me?" I asked her. She looked down at me with wonder, with love. I let my fingers pull her basics ever so slightly down. "Is this okay?" I asked.

"Yes, Ben," she answered in a quiet, heavy whisper. I pulled her basics down the length of her legs, and began to kiss her again. One of her legs instinctively reached up to wrap around me, but I continued to kiss all over her. From where her neck spilled into her shoulders, relishing when she sighed at my kissing her clavicle, down her chest where her fingers grabbed my hair so tightly it almost hurt. When my head was between her thighs, I kissed the inside of one leg, one hand under her knee as I looked up at her in worship, in question. She only looked down at me with eyes full or pure desire.

"I need to hear you say it," I told her, and my voice sounded gravelly.

"Please, Ben," she pleaded. "I need you." And that was enough invitation for me.

Rey was pure ambrosia. The way her back arched at my lightest touches, the way her fingers held me in place, curled through my hair. The sighs and whimpers she made, the way she said my name was sweeter than any dream or fantasy I had ever had. When I could feel her legs begin to shake and her muscles quivered in anticipation of release, I helped ease her down from the high she had just experienced-perhaps for the first time.

I moved over her as she lay, shaking slightly from what she had just felt, and my knees bracketed her hips as I licked my fingers clean. She was looking at me with awe, and before I could even begin to remove my cravat, she was sitting up under me, her hands replacing mine, her lips falling to mine.

"I still," she got the fabric off around my neck, and moved to the buttons of my shirt. "Need you."

And how badly I needed her.

I was dragging Ben's shirt down his arms as I kissed him, moving my lips down his jaw and his neck, ghosting wet kisses across his collarbone, and he was groaning lightly as he wound his long fingers through my hair. I marvelled at Ben's marble-like chest, letting my hands feel the hard edges and planes of his body, kissing down his chest as my fingers grazed soft hair that led to the buckle of his belt. I took that off as well, in my haste to get to him, to quench this thirst I had for him that was worse than anything I had ever felt in the desert.

My hands were shaking when they reached the zipper of his trousers. This was where I had no idea what to do next.

"Is-" I had to swallow to clear my throat, my voice sounding huskier than usual. "Is this okay?" I pulled lightly at the fastening of his trousers. Ben nodded as he locked his lips back onto mine.

I unzipped his trousers, and started to push them down his hips, and he swiftly sat back to pull them off and throw them to the side, along with his shoes, as he had taken off mine right before he did whatever that was that he had done. Now, he was just in his basics. He was so goddamned beautiful it hurt, it was unfair, it was a dream. He looked like some kind of dark angel, towering over me, broad and strong with dark eyes that looked right into my very being, his dark waves falling around his angel's face. He was a carving, a statue, so beautiful it took me a moment to clear the fog from my love-addled brain.

I tentatively moved his basics over the hard ridge and jut of his hip bones, which created a deep 'v' in the muscles of stomach.

"Is this okay?" I asked, looking up at him. He was looking down at my hands, and he nodded, and he was breathing so hard it was near panting.

I slowly pulled his basics the rest of the way, and he sat back again to get them off.

I was immediately concerned about the sheer size of him-his fingers had been one thing, but this was a whole other matter. In an almost scientific curiosity, I gently took him into my hand, and his hips immediately canted forward.

"Fuck, Rey," he groaned out, his voice low and guttural, his eyes squeezed shut. I froze.

"Did I hurt you?" I asked, nervous.

"No, no, quite the opposite," Ben sighed out, looking down at me, and then to my hands. At his comment, I felt more comfortable, more sure of what I was doing. I moved my hands again, and Ben reacted much as he had the first time. Before a minute was up, he was moving over me to lie me back down again on the soft bed.

He was right above me, his knees hugging my hips, his hands next to my head, and my hands had slid up his sides to reach his hair. We both looked at each other, in a silence full of promises, and I beckoned his face down to mine, feeling the hard ridge of him poking into my stomach. I swallowed hard. He did the same.

"Is this okay? Do you want this?" Ben asked me, and he looked almost scared. I nodded, sweeping the hair out of his face.

"Yes, I do," I told him, tracing my thumb over his full lips, the tip of it going slightly into his mouth, right on top of his bottom teeth. "Do you?" Now I was worried maybe he didn't want me like this, that I had gotten this all wrong.

"Yes, I do," he spoke so calmly, it made me feel like I could conquer this. I wanted Ben in all ways, and I physically ached for him, it was impossible to not need him like this.

He began to kiss me again, slow at first, then built up to hotter and deeper depths. Soon, my legs were wrapped around his middle, my ankles crossed, and I was begging him, pleading him to do something to help relieve the sweet torture that was burning low in my stomach.

"I don't know how I'm going to take you," I spoke low, letting my worry out into the open. Ben smirked against my mouth.

"Oh, you'll take me, sweetheart," and my heart was thrumming in my chest I thought it might collide with my ribs.

I felt Ben move one of his hands, and as he guided his length to me, I moaned into his mouth as he teased my entrance. He pushed farther, deeper, and my head was bent back in a silent scream as my eyes closed. As Ben drove himself to the hilt, my back arched as I moaned out quietly while Ben groaned from within his chest. It hurt, at first, but then Ben was kissing my face, my eyelids, where my brow was creased as I was stunned, my lips, my neck, everywhere he could reasonably reach.

"Is this okay? Are you okay?" he asked as he moved his hand featherlight to my chest, like he had earlier. I could only nod for the moment.

"Yes, Ben," I sighed, and I needed him to move. I looked up at him, finally, and he looked like he was in pure ecstasy. He met my eyes, and I began to squirm underneath him, which caused him to stop breathing quite suddenly. "Please," I begged, trying to show him what I needed.

"Breathe, Rey," he commanded gently.

He was kissing me again, and his hips started to move in a delicious rhythm that had me sighing open mouthed into him, my hands coiled tightly in his hair, keeping him close to me. I moved with him as best I could under him, and soon the pain began to ebb into pure desire.

As Ben moved, he moaned into my mouth, into my neck, and he turned to kiss the inside of my wrist as I brought it down to cradle his face better. The heat inside my stomach began to build within me, all over me, until we were moving with an urgency that felt hungry and demanding.

"Rey, you're so beautiful, I love you," Ben, at one point, whined into my ear.

"Ben, I love you so much it hurts," I spoke into the space between us as we drank in air, my voice reedy.

"Ah, fuck, Rey, I'm not going to last," he grunted above me, and his rhythm became more frantic, less sensible.

Soon, almost too soon, it felt, as I wanted to keep him here forever, closer than I had been to anyone, more in love than I thought a person could be, I shattered like I had earlier, ascending to a high I hadn't known was possible. I cried out, and Ben followed suit, spasming under my touch, and then he slouched over me, and I too felt as though all the energy had been sapped from me. Totally worth it, though, to get to hold Ben this close, to have tangibly felt his love for me, realer and more powerful than anything I had ever known. The Force around us was sparking and harmonious, so peaceful it was perfect.

Ben lay over me, his face in the crook of my neck as I ran my fingers through his hair.

"I love you so much, Rey," he told me, planting a lazy kiss on the side of my neck.

"I love you too, Ben Solo," I told him, and I don't think I'd ever been happier in my life.

When Ben left me, I winced at the sudden feeling, and Ben was at my side, pulling me into his chest as he held me.

"Are you okay?" he asked, his voice thick with concern. I nodded, and let myself fall into his embrace as he brought the coverlet of the bed fall around us.

We lay in content silence as we both reeled with what had just transpired between us. He continued to grace light touches on my arms as he was wrapped around me, and I turned to face him in his arms. I looked up at him, smiling a triumphant smile, and his eyes were shining as he looked back at me. We brushed each other's hair out of our faces, and he brought his forehead down to touch mine, the tips of our noses touching.

"Thank you, Rey, for the best night of my existence," Ben whispered. "For a better life than I deserve." I shook my head, moving a finger over his swollen lips to silence him.

"Don't say that, you deserve more than I could ever give," I continued before he could balk. "Thank you, Ben, for changing my life so wholly I would never want it any other way." I pecked a quick kiss on his lips, and then nestled deeper in his arms, my head just under his chin. He moved a hand to pet over my hair.

"Have I mentioned that I love you so deeply I think it might be detrimental to my sanity?" Ben semi-joked. Under the teasing tone, I could tell just how much he meant it, though.

"I love you, Ben Solo, until the universe folds into itself," I told him honestly.

"I know, sweetheart," he hugged me tightly. "I know."

And then we drifted off into the most blissful sleep of my life, wrapped safely in the arms of the man I loved, knowing he would stay here where I needed him.

a/n: aka, the chapter where ben solo finally gets laid