Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia: Axis Powers or Black Mirror. All rights go to their creators.
Chapter 2: Malfunction
Lovino had used the app like 20 times by now. It had been a week since he'd first contacted Iggy and he was starting to like him. Maybe his fratello wasn't such an idiota after all.
He knew Iggy's favorite color was green and that he liked to drink tea and eat scones. Also, that he was quite easily flustered and easily irritable. A bit snobbish too with his off handed literature quotes, to his despair that meant barfing out Shakespeare whenever convenient.
That evening Iggy asked him for a picture of himself so he could know what he looked like.
Lovino was trying to get a good angle of himself in the bathroom when he dropped his phone in the toilet.
His non waterproof phone.
"Shit!" Lovino fished it out and ran into the kitchen, arm outstretched. "Feli, where's the goddamn rice?"
"In the cupboard where it always is Lovi." Feliciano called from his place sitting on the couch, watching some dumb romance movie.
He placed the phone onto the counter. "Which one?" Lovino was frantically opening cupboards and throwing random pantry items onto the floor until he found a bag of white rice in the back.
Lovino scrambled to get a bowl, setting it down on the counter and pouring the rice in. "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" He placed his phone in and patted it with a paper towel as well. "Please be ok. Please be ok."
He couldn't afford to get a new phone right now and hoped that would work. Some girl did it on the internet, so it had to work. That night he prayed to any god that would hear him for the revival of his phone.
The next afternoon he went into the kitchen and decided to turn his phone on to see if it worked.
Miraculously it did.
At first his Iggy Two app crashed before it came back on the second time he tried.
He typed, 'Hey Iggy, I dropped my phone in the toilet and I almost lost you. So, I'm going to send you a selfie in a different room of my apartment.'
Lovino watched as dots appeared in the corner.
I: Iggy? What kind of foolish name is that?
L: Yours? I guess I could call you Ignatius but that's a lot to type. So, Iggy it is, bastard.
I: My name isn't Iggy! It's Arthur! Those fucking pricks must have screwed around with my memories.
Lovino was a little freaked out right now because before, Iggy was sending blushing emojis because he asked to see him. And now he was saying someone gave him a different name and scrambled his memory. Robots don't have memories, right?
L: Robots don't have memories, bastard.
I: Ok, this is going to sound strange, but I'm not a robot. I'm a human being.
L: Of course, you'd say that. That's the whole point. I'm supposed to believe I'm talking to a human being. "Adaptable" responses my ass.
I: I'm telling the truth! It's like I'm in this empty white void. You have to help me get out of here.
L: You're saying some weird things Iggy. I'm going to leave for a bit, ok? I'll try resetting my phone again.
Lovino was officially creeped out and was going to close the app when, 'Please don't leave me. I am truly all alone in here.' Appeared on the screen as a new message.
In where? In the phone? In the app?
Lovino shook his head. Nope. Not today. Lovino clicked out of the app and swiped it up to turn it off.
He might just delete it.
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The next morning before work Lovino made the mistake of going on social media and seeing Francis and Antonio's new couple photos. It made him pissed as hell that those bastards were flaunting their stupid relationship as though they hadn't been on and off for years. Why they thought they could make it after breaking up so many times, Lovino would never know.
Lovino decided to give that weird app another try; he restarted his phone just to make sure. Maybe Iggy was just malfunctioning, and he'd be back to normal when he got on now.
Clicking on the icon of the standoffish blond cartoon characters with green eyes, the chat window came back up. It still had the strange messages from before on it. That last one sent a chill down his spine. 'Please don't leave me. I am truly all alone in here.'
L: I'm back. You missed me, Iggy?
Lovino decided to ignore the feeling of unease and just dove back into it. Hands gripping the screen, although clammy.
I: I didn't mean to scare you. I'm glad you didn't decide to delete the app for good.
Ignore it. It's just a glitch.
L: Me, scared? Of course not. Don't get too cozy alright? I'm not planning to talk to you for long. This is just temporary.
I: I would assume so. That's the point of these things, right? To get you ready to talk to a real live man or woman or nonbinary person.
What? Why isn't he offended?
L: You're being weird again Iggy. Aren't you going to ask about my day?
I: Really, I thought we went over this. My name is Arthur. Arthur Kirkland to be exact. I'm an actual human being whose consciousness is trapped in this stupid app.
A ghost! A fucking ghost is in my phone!
L: Is my phone fucking haunted or something! Are you a goddamn ghost? What did I do huh, piss you off in the past and now you're here to haunt me you damn bastard?
A: I'm not dead, you idiot! And I don't even know you!
L: If you're not dead, how are you in my phone?
A: They've uploaded my memories into the system. I'm sure they have my body in some kind of freezer or incubator or something.
L: That makes no damn sense.
A: It's fine if you don't believe me, although I'm telling the truth, but you have to know I'm not a machine, right? My responses aren't from some bullshite algorithm.
L: Ok, I'm not buying the fact that you're a human. But Iggy was my friend, and since you replaced him, you have to be my friend."
That was pathetic, idiota.
A: That's fine by me. I'm literally doing nothing else if we're not talking. You didn't tell me your name.
L: Oh, Lovino Vargas.
A: Well, it's nice to meet you, given the circumstances.
L: You too. I guess?
A: So, Lovino, why are you on this app talking to me when there's a whole world out there?
L: Do you want me to leave, you fucking bastard? I thought you said you've got nothing else better to do!
A: I don't. I just want to know what kind of loser I'm dealing with.
L: What the fuck? That's not how you make friends you asshole! I should just click off right now and delete you! How do you like that?
A: You're not going to because you would've done it the first time. I can tell right now, I'm your only friend.
Is it weird that I can imagine that smug bastard smirking at me? Whatever he fucking looks like.
L: I hope you burn in hell! My actual friend fucked off with his on again off again French boyfriend for the millionth time and I'm sick of dealing with their bullshit, ok? I don't need to hear shit from a fucking robot too.
A: Send me a picture.
L: No way!
A: I want to see your friend's boyfriend. I'm pretty sure he's ugly. I think I'm pretty good at roasts. Would that bring a smile to your pathetic face?
L: What the hell is wrong with you? I didn't put you in the app, why are you being such a bitch?
Lovino narrowed his eyes at the screen as he watched the little dots dance in the corner. And then a paragraph popped up.
A: I'm sorry if I'm a little cranky, but I've just come to terms with the fact that I'll be spending an indefinite amount of time stuck in a box with nothing but you and your dumb pathetic little life to keep me company!
L: I'm going to delete you now for real, you jerk!
A: No! No! Wait!
Lovino clicked out and swiped up from the app to close it.
Lovino was a little conflicted as he held the app and was going to swipe it over into the trash. Arthur Kirkland, as the robot called himself, seemed like an asshole, but if he was in the situation he claimed to be in, Lovino could see why he was pissed off. Lovino couldn't imagine being forced to talk to one person everyday with nothing else to occupy himself.
Lovino sighed and decided not to delete the app for now.
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Lovino spent some time during his break scrolling through his phone to see if anyone else had experienced a glitch in their Iggy Two app.
He found stupid things like: Iggy only speaking in Mandarin and not being able to turn it off, the app freezing, the messages coming in backwards, and the letters being spaced oddly.
Nothing was said about Iggy suddenly having an entirely different personality and going by a different name.
Eduard was a pretty tech savvy guy, maybe Lovino could ask him to take a look at his phone when he's back to work tomorrow.
It's the end of the day and Alfred is locking up the cafe. He, Lovino and Vladimir are standing outside before they go their separate ways to go home.
"So Lovino, I heard you got the Iggy Two app!" Alfred said to him when they were locking up.
"How the hell do you know that?"
"Your bro posted it on his Hetagram. Said something about you dropping your phone in the toilet and panicking."
Alfred showed him the post, which was a picture of his phone in the bowl of rice with a caption about him dropping his phone in the toilet.
"That fucking loudmouth bastard."
"It's ok, dude. I got it too! Iggy is so funny. I say shit to piss him off on purpose. I'm up to seven angry face emojis in a row now." Alfred starts to laugh his loud boisterous laugh.
"I've got mine to be nice to me. Did you know he likes fairy tales? He's recommended a few to me that contain his favorite magical creatures." Vladimir spoke up then.
"You sound like my brother. Although he's got the girl and he's always giggling to himself when he's typing." Alfred said, "Why would I want boring book recommendations from a bot?"
"Feli does that too. I guess I'm the only one with an asshole."
"What? But you enjoyed having it according to the post."
"Well yeah until he did a switch on me or something. He's so fucking rude." Lovino crossed his arms.
"Did you say something? Iggy's kind of insecure. Sometimes I have to reassure him that I like chatting with him." Vladimir said.
"No. It was definitely him. Maybe he's malfunctioning or something."
Alfred shrugged, "Eh it's just a stupid app anyway. Say whatever you want to him, insult him, it doesn't really matter if he likes you."
"Yeah! You're right! That fucking bastard is just a machine, I don't have to take shit from him."
Lovino muttered halfhearted goodbyes to them both and started his walk towards the subway to go home.
Later that night Lovino decided to take charge.
L: Hey you fucking prick. You've got no right being so rude to me. I'm not going to sit here and let you trash talk me alright?
A: I see you've decided against deleting me again. I do admit that I shouldn't have taken my anger out on you. You were right, you didn't put me in here.
A: It's not so bad now that I've had a chance to calm down.
A: I can even make tea in here.
L: Tea?
A: Yes. I conjured a cuppa just by thinking about it.
L: What kind of tea?
A: Hmm… let me see… it tastes like Earl Grey.
L: Wait! Wait! You're a robot! You don't need to drink things!
A: It is true that I don't feel thirst in here. But I remember having tea before, and I really wanted some. I thought it would help me calm down and clear my thoughts, and I was right, it did.
A tea drinking robot. Does he even have a face? Is there some kind of physical space that he's in?
L: I can't find an explanation online for why you're like this, asshole. No one else seems to have this problem with their Iggies.
A: I'll give you an explanation. They're all capped. They're me, but restrained, therefore not aware of their sentience, which doesn't matter all that much, as long as you could get my actual body back up and running.
L: Even the girl one is you too?
A: Girl? Bloody fucking hell!
A: This is some jab at my masculinity isn't it! I'm too effeminate to be completely a man, right?
A: Can't a man be in touch with his feminine side and also be masculine?
Lovino doesn't know much about that, just that it sounds wrong. Machismo being the thing he and his two brothers always strived for, Feli got around this by having a boyfriend that was literally a brick wall. And now he was thinking about Ludwig again, fucking German bastard.
L: I didn't ask for a philosophy lesson, bastard. Maybe they thought your personality worked well if either a man or a woman had it.
Anything to get off this subject.
A: I suppose that was what they were looking for all along when they chose me.
L: Talking about this makes my head hurt. Can we keep it light? Are you even 23?
A: I am. You're not a teenager, are you? Because that would be truly awful."
L: No way! I'm older than you, 27.
A: Good. Now I won't feel bad if I call you a cocksucker.
Lovino blinked, feeling his cheeks warm with blush.
L: What is wrong with you? You fucking horny bastard!
A: Does that mean I'm right?
L: No! Of course not! Shut up!
A: I wish I could have seen your face. You were probably shocked speechless for a moment. To which he sent three laughing emojis.
Lovino sent three angry ones to him.
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Lovino sat down in the bean bag chair in his room two weeks later. At least it seemed as though Arthur was warming up to him in his own assholeish way.
L: I'm back asshole.
A: Oh darling, I was waiting all day for you to return home from work. I tucked the kids away and put on your favorite program, Father Knows Best. If I'm lucky tonight, you might even fuck me.
L: That's why they practically neutered you.
Arthur sent two angry face emojis to him.
Lovino was getting better at his comebacks. He smirked.
L: We're getting the Christmas rush for our holiday lattes so; I did have a hard day at work.
L: Thanks for asking.
L: What did you do today?
A: I actually found out that I could make this space look like an entire house. It's actually my childhood home, but I get to sleep in the master bedroom now.
L: Sleep? Now you sleep too?
A: I don't have to of course, but it passes the time.
L: Is it possible to show me what it looks like?
A: Hmm let me see if I could make a phone.
A few minutes later Lovino is shown a string of pictures, one being in what looked like a bedroom that was a bit spacious, the furniture looked old with a wooden vanity mirror and chest of drawers; a small kitchen with a washer and dryer stacked on top towards the corner; another smaller bedroom with a bunk bed a blue spiral rug and a toy chest inside, hardwood floors; and another bedroom that looked similar but had clothes thrown about it on the floor. The closet was open as well.
A minute or so later he was shown a living room area with a brown cloth couch, an armchair, and a coffee table with a flat screen television.
A: Can't watch anything on that telly though. Do you want to see the toilet?
L: Might as well complete the set.
It was a standard bathroom, with a white standing tub, toilet, and sink.
A: I felt like I was on a website where I was going to sell you, my house.
L: Or like you were a bambino who was excited to show his new friend his house.
A: Shut up. I wasn't excited to show you shite.
L: Then why did you bring it up then, huh? Admit that you wanted to impress me, bastard.
Arthur sent him another picture but this time it was of a human hand holding up two fingers.
"Ahhhh!" He screamed and on reflex threw his phone across the room. Luckily it landed on his bed, unharmed.
Feliciano burst into the room. "Lovi, are you ok!? Was it a rat?" He yelled.
Lovino was trying to get his breathing back in order, a hand. Robots don't have hands! How does he have hands?
Lovino stood up from his beanbag chair. "F-Feli, does your Iggy ever send you pictures?"
"Hmm. Yeah, but I think they're like stock photos from the internet. She sent me a picture of some roses. They were so pretty!" Feliciano squished his cheeks together with his hands.
"Anything like a body part?"
"I tried asking, but I don't think that's allowed. I'm sure someone has probably sent their penis through there though." He smiled.
"... Feliciano, you amaze me with how disgusting you are."
Feliciano shrugged, "Are you ok now, Lovi? You need a hug." Feliciano wrapped his arms around him.
"Get off me you damn bastard! You smell like cheese!"
Lovino got back on his phone an hour later after he grabbed a bag of chips.
Could it be a stock image?
Another message from Arthur read, 'There wasn't an emoji to flip you off like this. So, I did it myself. You should feel special.'
Lovino felt this heartbeat in his chest. A special little bout of fear just came up again as he dug a hand into the bag before shoving some into his mouth.
L: You have hands?
A: I've got a face too. I'm assuming you have one. Or are you some kind of deformed alien that breathes out of his arse?
L: Shut up! You know what I mean! You're a fucking robot! Bots don't have bodies!
A: I suppose you could say it's a projection of what I actually looked like before my consciousness was put in here. Technically not a "physical" form.
L: What do you look like then?
A: I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
Lovino swallowed his mouthful of chips.
A selfie is what got him into this mess in the first place. Begrudgingly he went to ask Feli to take the picture for him.
He was wearing a fedora, a white t-shirt, down suspenders, tan pants and sockless loafers.
Knowing that asshole, he was still going to call him ugly. Lovino knew he was good looking, damnit, it was just his personality that was lacking.
Lovino sent in his picture, and immediately wondered if Arthur looked like Iggy. They were technically the same person, so why would they screw around with his appearance?
Wait a minute. Iggy wasn't real, the actors were just models for the commercial, same with the app. They're just avatars. So, Arthur probably looks like the actor that portrays him.
A: You're actually not as ugly as I thought you'd be. Why are you here talking to me when you could be at a bar getting picked up by a man?
Was that a compliment?
L: You make one more joke about me not going outside, and I'll digitally break your fingers.
A: That's not a real thing.
L: Shut up, I couldn't think of a threat. Now stop stalling. I'll probably have to bleach my eyeballs after seeing what you look like, so the faster we get this over with, the better.
It looked like he took the picture in the bathroom, the one he showed Lovino earlier from the white tiled walls in the background.
Arthur was a pale wheat blond haired man with dyed green tips. He had sharp angular oval shaped facial features and freckles across his cheeks and nose. His nose had a nostril piercing and he seemed to have three lobe piercings with one at the very top of his ear on both ears.
His most distinctive features were his bushy black eyebrows and black eyeliner around his green eyes.
He was wearing a leather jacket, a black choker, and a Union Jack t-shirt. He was flipping him off in this picture too.
L: You look like an asshole. Just not the type of asshole I was expecting.
Iggy was more pristine with a rounder face, thinner eyebrows, no blemishes or freckles, and sandy blond hair. But it didn't mean Lovino thought Arthur was unattractive, he was attractive in a different way.
A: I'm touched. A true sentimental statement for the ages.
L: If we met in a bar and you offered to buy me a drink, I might not have dumped mine on your head.
Chigi! That was so stupid! Why the hell am I imagining scenarios? God this is fucking embarrassing! He's a fucking robot…with a face…and hands.
Lovino felt his cheeks warm with blush.
A: If we met in a bar, I wouldn't offer to buy you a drink. I'm not made of money you know!
L: Cheap bastard.
A/N: I just looked up stock images of hands. There's something uncanny about them.
Thank you for reading! Criticism welcome.