Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia: Axis Powers or Black Mirror. All rights go to their creators.

Chapter 5: Ding Dong Ditch

As it was now February, decorations were being set up for Valentine's Day, a holiday he cared less and less for each year. Alfred even started making them draw hearts in the hot cocoa orders. It was so annoying.

Feliciano paid his half of the rent this month with the money from the commission. So there was that.

Yesterday, Eduard said he couldn't find anything on the real Arthur and that maybe his friend wasn't a social media person or at the very least didn't use his real name for his accounts.

Lovino muttered a quick thanks and realized he'd have to actually ask Arthur if he wanted to learn more about his real counterpart…for research purposes and to prove that he was in fact somewhere living his life.

But before he did that he decided to stop by Arthur's old NYC apartment, maybe ask around. He wasn't going to do that before, but now he was generally curious. If it turned out that Real Arthur lived there he could one up his chatbot, and maybe just maybe he'd talk to the apparently struggling singer. Wouldn't that be a conversation starter?

Maybe I'd invite him out for a drink…

…Maybe he'd listened in on too many of Feli's romcoms and meet cutes were really just a phone call away from stalking and harassment.

Right? This man would call the cops on me immediately if I just showed up at his door.

"Monika" and "Monica" got the wrong orders. Iced mocha latte, iced caramel macchiato, they're the same thing. Lovino had to remake them and gave them a forced smile as he handed them back with the right names.

Monika smiled, and Monica rolled her eyes.

"Looks like you're distracted by something." Tolys said, typing whatever inputs he needed into the register.

"I'm going to go meet someone tomorrow, sue me if I'm fucking nervous about it."

"Ooh! Someone from online?"

"Yeah."

"You should bring a knife just in case. My friend, she is a big knife enthusiast."

That was good advice. Maybe he'd hide one in a set of boots he had.

"Hmm, maybe I will, kid."

Tolys nodded, a small smile on his face, "Oh and you should let someone know where you're going, just in case you don't come back."

"I did. What kind of idiota do you think I am?"

"Just checking. I didn't mean to offend you." He and Matthew were generally too nice for their own good.

00000

"How long do you think you'll be gone?" Feliciano asked just as Lovino slipped the covered knife into his boot. It was one of his days off.

"I don't know, an hour maybe? Why?" Lovino shrugged.

"Oh well I was going to invite Luddy over." Feliciano tapped his chin with his finger, a dazed and "innocent" look on his face.

Lovino grimaced, "I'll let you know if I'm coming back early so I won't interrupt you and walk in on something I'd have to bleach my eyes for."

"Aww you're the best Lovi." Feli clasped his hands together and Lovino rolled his eyes.

Lovino pulled on his peacoat and stepped out into the frigid February air. He stepped on the subway, hands in his coat pocket, scarf wrapped around his mouth, puff ball beanie on his head.

He checked the app again to see if he had the address right. It was mid day, the cab he was in was almost full, but he was able to grab a seat. As they continued along the line, he had the misfortune of having some man stand in front of him, gripping onto the metal pole.

Lovino continued to stare at his phone. The man's gaze flickering from him to the window just behind him.

The woman's electronic voice called his stop and he stood up, inches away from the man, he muttered a quick, "This is my stop." He had to squeeze past the man in order to get out.

Lovino walked up the steps out of the subway and looked over the rows of houses and apartments on both sides of the street. His boots crunched against the snow as he saw the abandoned apartment further down and the adjacent building that was Arthur's complex.

His palms were sweaty and he begrudgingly asked the little bot what apartment number was his.

A: Hmm that was fast. You're there already?

L: Send me the number, bastard.

A: Send me a picture of it.

Lovino frowned and angled the phone as he was coming up on the apartment. He didn't want to seem like a creepy weirdo if he stood in front of the apartment and took a picture.

He opened his camera app and snapped a slightly blurry photo. Then he sent it to him.

A:Yep that's the one. I hated it, but had some fond memories of having to trap a nasty little rat that liked to visit me and hearing my neighbors fuck while I tried to sleep.

L: Rats are attracted to trash so he was in the right place.

A: Apparently so, you're going there aren't you?

L: Fuck you. The number?

A: 14.

Lovino got to the apartment complex and was met with no buzzer and a locked door. Right.

He'd have to wait around on the off chance that someone was coming out. Fuck. This is going to seem creepy.

Just then a woman in an open black puffer coat, and a grey pantsuit approached him up the walkway. She was brown skinned with brown eyes and had straight blond hair that draped over her shoulders, presumably African American.

"Are you here for a showing?" The woman asked.

"U-uh yeah."

"Oh! You must be Raymundo. I'm sorry I'm a little late. Apartment 7, correct?"

Lovino nodded. He couldn't believe his luck.

"I'm Tasha, we talked through email. I'm going to show you the inside of the apartment."

The realtor took out her keys, opened the apartment complex's door, and took Lovino down the hall.

"It's a one bedroom, you said your range was $500- $600?" Lovino nodded, as they walked past a few mailboxes, although Lovino couldn't make out the names from how far back they were.

His and Feliciano's apartment was $2000 and Lovino struggled to pay that on time, sometimes taking on the full amount when his brother "forgot" or was "broke."

Stopping at the wooden door with a gigantic number 7 right next to the peephole, the realtor knocked on the door before shouting the name of the leasing company she worked for. There was no response so she opened up the door.

They stepped into a one bedroom apartment that was worse for wear. The wooden floorboard was dirty, a black stain of something was soaked into the floor. A living area greeted them, a table to the left, cracked leather couch and chair to the right, a TV stood on a table flush against the wall next to the door.

A doorway greeted them, but to the far left was the tiny kitchen space, an oven pressed right against a tiny counter connected to a sink.

To the left was a bedroom which opened a crack, "I-I actually wanted to renew." What sounded like a high pitched feminine voice said.

"Oh! No problem, you know the form you have to fill out right?"

"Yes." The tenant said.

"Alright, well have a nice day." Tasha smiled and ushered Lovino out of the little apartment.

There is a vacant apartment to show you on the third floor." Tasha said, while she closed and relocked the door.

Tasha led him up the rickety back steps of the apartment.

"Um, what number is it?"

Tasha pulled out a clipboard and flipped through a few pages, as her heels clicked up the steps.

"I think it's number 14."

Lovino felt his heartbeat in his chest. "Oh, the previous tenant is moving out?"

"Yes, they haven't renewed their lease…as far as I know." Tasha said as they walked down the carpeted hallway.

When they stopped at the wooden door Tasha proceeded to go through the same procedure as the previous tenant.

Unlike last time he heard the click of a lock and Lovino bit his lip as the knob turned.

The previous tenant was home. Fuck, what am I going to say? Should I fucking say anything?

The door opened and on the other side was a man who looked to be of East Asian descent with almost shoulder length black hair and brown eyes. He was wearing a red sweater and blue jeans. His eyebrows were thicker than Lovino's own.

"Hello! Could we take a quick look around for a showing of your apartment?" Tasha asked. Lovino let out a breath a little deflated.

The man nodded before stepping aside to let them in. The layout of the apartment was similar to the first.

Tasha opened the singular bedroom and Lovino saw that the man was quite clean. He didn't have clothes littered on the floor, and his shoes were neatly stacked side by side in front of the closet door. Tasha stood in the doorway.

"The chest of drawers and the mattress are included."

He walked over to the window and sure enough could see the other apartment building on the other side. Lovino took a picture.

Tasha opened up the bathroom. The standard tub and shower combo, glass medicine cabinet over the sink, and small white toilet greeted him. Lovino took a picture of that too.

When they went out Lovino noticed that there was no air conditioner.

"Is there no air conditioning?"

"We provide complimentary fans. Although there is baseboard heating." Tasha smiled, and Lovino grimaced before snapping a few pictures around the kitchen area.

A few cracks in the wall that looked like someone punched them but was hastily covered by plaster stood out.

Lovino took a selfie, just to show Arthur proof.

The tenant stood a ways back, watching as he took pictures. "Did you happen to see the previous tenant?" Lovino asked, lowering his phone.

The man shook his head, "No one was here when I was shown. It seemed newly cleaned. I think it had been vacant for years before I got it."

Lovino furrowed his eyebrows.

Nothing out of the ordinary, the furniture looked to be peeling, but the wooden floors seemed to be polished and the wooden table still had the tag on it.

Lovino turned on the tap water of the sink, horrified at the brown liquid that came out for a few seconds before it ran clear.

"Well thank you for showing me this apartment." Lovino said, "I think I've seen enough; it's not a good fit."

"Alright. Well let's go back downstairs. "

Tasha said thank you to the man before leading him back downstairs.

"I'm sorry that this apartment wasn't a good fit for you. Hopefully you will take a look at our other properties." She said.

"Oh definitely." Lovino said, voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Have a good evening, Raymundo." She said, holding the door open for him.

"You too."

Lovino stepped onto the porch before coming face to face with a man bundled in a coat. His face was red and he was sniffling. He had a black mustache and light brown skin. He looked to be of Spanish heritage.

"U-um I'm here for a showing. I got here a little late, but my phone died. Do you know if the realtor Tasha left already?"

Lovino started walking, moving past the man.

"I'm Tasha. Who might you be?"

"I'm Raymundo. I'm so sorry I'm late."

Lovino broke out into a run towards the subway, heart pounding in his chest as the cold wind whipped past his cheeks. His eyes watered, and he kept running until his lungs felt like they were going to burst.

0000000

When Lovino returned to his and Feli's apartment he kicked off his shoes and Feli was stuffing Ludwig's face with fusilli he'd apparently made. He was sitting on the German's lap when he came in.

Feli liked to cook after he had sex so at the very least Lovino didn't have to worry about making dinner.

Although, Feli had a habit of "forgetting" to put on clothes after as well.

"Che palle! Feli put some damn clothes on!"

"You've seen me nude before, and I know you sleep in the nude. So what's the problem?"

"Context! The sexual stuff ends as soon as I walk in the door!"

Ludwig hadn't even said anything, it was like he was short circuiting or some shit. His face was so red, he didn't even move.

Feliciano stuck his tongue out at him.

Lovino walked past them, grabbing a bowl out of the cupboard and scooping the fusilli out of the pot he cooked it in to put it in his bowl.

He grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and put it in the crook of his arm.

"Ugh! I'm going to eat in my room! I have work in the fucking morning! Don't fuck all night, I need my sleep." Then he shut the door.

Lovino pressed the call button on the Iggy Two app and waited for the line to click as he tossed his phone on the bed. He sat legs crossed on the bed, bowl in his lap, water on his nightstand.

The line clicked.

"You found what you were looking for?"

"I thought you still lived in that apartment, bastard." Lovino swallowed a scoop of fusilli.

"I never said that. I'm in a freezer so of course I don't live in that apartment anymore. It was my last place of residence though."

"You're not in a goddamned freezer. You probably moved or some shit."

"Wait, how'd you get in my apartment? Did you schedule a showing? Pretend you lost your keys?"

Lovino took a few gulps of water.

"Get this, some guy scheduled one, and I just pretended I was him! The realtor lady took me in with no questions asked. Luckily the guy who's in your apartment was leaving, so I got to tour it! Although, it bit me in the ass when that bastard showed up for his showing, so I had to hightail it out of there!"

"You committed identity theft and got away with it?"

Lovino's lips twitched as he smirked.

"Yep! Although… I should have just scheduled my own damn showing beforehand." He muttered that last part.

"I can't believe you'd have the pecker to do something like that." Lovino could hear a little chuckle from Arthur on the other side of the phone.

"Well believe it bastard, it happened." Lovino felt a little tingly inside.

"How was it? As terrible as I remember?"

"It looked like someone tried to fix it up with the least amount of effort possible."

"Hmmm sounds about right. You take pictures?"

Lovino scooped fusilli into his mouth, "Hold your damn horses! I'm eating. My idiota of a brother has his German boyfriend over so I'm stuck in my room while they eat fusilli off of each other's bodies."

Lovino could hear him take in a sharp breath, "Gods that sounds excessive."

"They're probably not doing that. I don't think they're into food play. It's just that sometimes it feels like they're shoving their damn relationship down my throat."

"Well it won't be for much longer. You said your brother's not renewing his lease and you'll be going your separate ways soon, right?"

Honestly he didn't want Feli to leave. Lovino didn't even know what he was going to do. Was he going to stay here? If so, he'd have to find a new roommate, and he wasn't going to room with a random stranger. Who could he even fucking ask to live with him? If not, where would he even go? He'd have to find somewhere else to live. It was so damn sudden! Didn't Feli ever think about how he felt?

"Fuck!"

"Lovino?"

"Can we talk about something else?" He said through grit teeth.

"We can, I didn't tell you about my football match."

"Football? You can make people in your house…uh the app?"

"It took quite a lot of trial and error, but yes. It was as though I was playing a video game. I knew all of the moves everyone was going to make, so I was able to avoid them."

"That sounds like cheating, bastard."

"When you've run over how you missed your team's winning point millions of times in your head, being able to correct your mistakes feels right. Although everyone still reacted as though I'd failed."

"You were on the football team in college?"

"I wasn't a professional or anything, just the intramural teams, where we more or less just played for fun and the thrill of the sport."

"I was shit at sports in highschool, pissed me off we were required to play basketball against each other in P.E."

"Oh no, I was definitely shite in secondary school. I'd get tackled in rugby so much I'd come home with bruises."

Lovino had finished his bowl of fusilli. "Heh, you still say we're nothing alike?'

"Yes. Just because we're both shite at sports doesn't mean anything. It's quite common, you know. Stop stalling and send me the pictures."

"Alright, alright so needy." Lovino hung up the call and sent Arthur the pictures he'd taken at the apartment.

A:That bloke seems like he has his shite together. You ask him out?

L: No. That would've been creepy. Plus I couldn't tell him my real name.

A: Right. That sounds like the start of some cheesy romcom.

L: Exactly idiota. How the hell did you survive with no air conditioning?

A: Fans or I'd just mill around in a liquor store and pretend to buy shite while mooching off their air.

L: Damn now I understand why you left. You found a better place to live.

A: Ah, a freezer where it's infinitely cold. Do you think it would keep me looking young forever? Or would I get old and have wrinkles 50 years from now?

L: You're not in a freezer!

A: You don't know that for sure.

L: Neither do you!

A: For now let's call it a draw. The team and I took a group photo, would you like to see?

L: Yeah, I want proof you were on a team.

Lovino wasn't sure how Arthur was able to make digital replicas of people he knew but it was uncanny how they looked lifelike. There was really no distinguishing this picture from one that could've been taken when he actually played for the team. But how would the company have gotten this particular picture? Unless someone uploaded it online? But the only one out of place was Arthur, who was grinning where the other members clearly seemed defeated.

What did Alfred call those video game characters? NPCs or something? It was like that.

Lovino also made note that a few of his team members had similar bushy eyebrows, a brunet with a bandage over his nose, who was the goalie, and another blond with curls that almost looked like horns on the side of his head.

L: It's like they're NPCs.

A: NPCs?

L: My manager Alfred is a videogame nerd. He's so fucking annoying. They're the computers in the game, the ones you're not playing as.

A: Ah like they're on autopilot.

L: You ever try making an animal?

A: You're just going to make fun of me if I show you so no.

L: Don't do that shit! Now I have to know!

L: Show me, damnit!

L: I'll keep spamming you!

L: I have time!

A: You're going to fall asleep eventually.

At some point Ludwig left because the door slammed shut. Feliciano said goodnight to him and Lovino muttered it back.

Lovino puffed out his cheeks and spam texted Arthur until the early hours of the morning. By this time his eyes were heavy, burning, and the text was becoming blurry before he fell forward, face first into his comforter.

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Lovino had somehow made it into a jungle; it was hot and muggy. His shirt was sticking to his back; Ludwig was leading the way, Feli not too far behind. Lovino was lagging behind.

"This is fucking ridiculous! Can we take a break?

"Come on Lovi! We're almost there." Feli said in his cheery voice.

And then Lovino stepped on something wet. He felt his boot sinking as he pulled it.

"Guys! I think I'm stuck!"

"You're just spoiled, you want someone to carry you don't you?" Arthur said. He had previously been behind him.

"No! I'm stuck in fucking quick sand! Help me you bastard!"

The man just walked right past him. Ludwig and Feliciano kept walking. Lovino kept sinking further and further.

"Come back you assholes! Help!"

Lovino was up to his neck in quicksand. The sand feeling squishy and he couldn't move.

"Don't leave me!" He yelled but they were too far away to hear anything. The quicksand filled his mouth, squishy and wet, he coughed as it touched the base of his throat.

Darkness swallowed him, filled his nose, suffocating him.

……

Lovino screamed and bolted upright. He was still in his room, pitch black, as it was still nightfall. He took a few breaths to calm down.

The fusilli bowl was still empty on his right. His water bottle was on the floor, cap closed. His phone was still open on the Iggy Two App.

A: Night wanker.

A: If you laugh, I'll kill you…somehow.

To which he was sent a picture of a brown bunny, nibbling at the petals of a rose from the bush he'd planted.

It wasn't the animal he would have thought that asshole would like, a snake or a cat maybe.

But he'd give him a pass just this once because it was nice to see.

Lovino's cheeks warmed with blush before he shook his head. He placed the bowl on the floor. He took off his clothes and wormed his way under the covers, and went back to sleep for a dreamless night.

A/N: Just to clear it up if needed, they're talking about soccer not American football.

Thank you for reading! Criticism Welcome.