Chapter 21 - Inner Demons

DISCLAIMER: We (unfortunately) do not own Star Wars. :P

Author's Note: Enjoy the snuggles and fluff! :D And yes, platonic touching is a thing, just so no one gets confused. ^-^ xD

~ Amina Gila

Anakin pulls off his outer – and inner – tunics, stripping from the waist up before sitting on the bed in the medical room that is Vader's now, back against the headrest, and spreading his legs, waiting for Vader to carefully lower himself onto the bed, before he slides backwards. Even though they've been doing this for two weeks, Vader always seems so painfully uncertain about it. Anakin, not so much.

He doesn't hesitate for a moment, leaning forwards, and pulling Vader against his chest, careful as always when touching Vader's skin, and winding his arms around Vader's waist from behind, maximizing the skin-to-skin contact as much as possible. He rests his chin on Vader's shoulder, and slowly blows out a breath, relaxing backwards and holding Vader against him, gently, yet firmly.

It's become something of a ritual for them.

Every day, once Vader's work is done, or at least as done as it can be for the night, they go to Anakin's flagship which has since landed on the surface, and Vader removes his suit. After snuggling for an hour, Anakin prods Vader into the bacta tank where he remains for five or so hours before coming out.

It's a compromise. While it isn't nearly long enough to heal Vader properly, it's enough to let Vader's body heal from the abuse it suffered during the day.

"One of these days," Anakin hums quietly, "You will need to let Kix do what he's wanting to do, especially if those surgeries will be performed." Two days ago, Nala Se sent them a report detailing what she would recommend given the severity of Vader's condition. There are many, many pros and cons, but regardless of what they do, Vader will be dependent on machinery for the rest of his life in some shape or form.

"No," Vader says, sounding sulky enough that Anakin nearly smiles, "This is enough."

He isn't entirely wrong, to be fair. The skin-to-skin contact is helping his body heal, and more importantly, Anakin has noticed that it's giving Vader a more peaceful state of mind which is, arguably, equally important.

Anakin lightly rubs the skin on Vader's chest, carefully avoiding the implant in the center of his chest. It never ceases to horrify him how Vader's entire sternum was cut out to make room for the machinery that regulates his heart and lungs. It's awful. He tries not to think about it much though, not when Vader is there, because he can feel it and it usually makes him either irritable, self-conscious, or depressed.

They have tried lying on the bed before, but it's hard on Vader's lungs, so they don't do it often. It is, however, admittedly a little strange for Anakin to have to comfort Vader like this, offering a steady support for him, which reminds him of the support and comfort that Vader showed him at the beginning. It's fitting, and he doesn't mind in the least. He would willingly do this and so much more for Vader if he had to. Besides, it's not as if anyone else in his family is very willing to engage in any type of physical contact whatsoever with him.

He misses it, misses them, and no matter how much he loves Vader, his other self cannot replace Obi-Wan or Ahsoka or Padme.

"What it is that stops you from agreeing?" Anakin queries, unwilling to let his thoughts spiral too much, lest Vader sense it.

Vader tilts his head back on Anakin's shoulder, staring towards the ceiling, the oxygen mask over his face rasping in quiet mimicry of the respirator in his life-support suit. He doesn't answer the question, and Anakin almost wonders if he even plans to when he finally answers, "It is… something I do not deserve." He speaks slowly, haltingly, and it's so painful to hear this kind of uncertainty in his own voice and know that he, too, could have Fallen this far. "I know you do not accept this, but it is penance for my crimes. I have… done much, and you know only a fraction." Vader's hands clench, and Anakin hugs him tighter, stopping the instinctive protests that want to escape. He needs to let Vader finish.

"If I – it is a reminder," he offers finally, "A… remembrance of all those whom I have wronged. Their ghosts will always haunt me, and I deserve that."

"You are punishing yourself." Anakin doesn't know if he sounds more resigned or accusing, but the sentiment behind it… he understands that. Too well even.

How many times has he himself, during the war, stayed up instead of resting and pushed far beyond the limits of his endurance because of a difficult mission that saw many of his men, his friends die? Too many times. Far too many. Obi-Wan would always fret over him then, if he was around, pushing him and needling him until he got some much-needed rest. Ahsoka would do the same, or even Rex or some of the other clones like Echo and Fives.

"It is what we know," Vader replies, sounding exhausted. "It is what we deserve, isn't it?"

Anakin wishes that he could look at Vader's face now, that he could let the elder see Anakin's feelings instead of just sensing them. It's not possible, so he'll have to settle with merely letting Vader freely feel them. He wants to automatically answer no, that of course, Vader doesn't deserve to suffer, and that gives him pause, because if Vader doesn't, then can he rightfully say the opposite about himself? Especially given that his crimes or mistakes are so monumentally less than those Vader has committed?

"We – we don't," Anakin replies, certain that it's the right answer, though he doesn't know why. "It is – I don't know why we do it, but I – I know that you don't deserve it." He can feel the growing tension in Vader's muscles, and he lets out an inaudible breath, tightening his grip on the elder and waiting for the reaction that he knows is coming. The rising anger is only a mask for Vader's feelings of emptiness.

He has become even more volatile as of late, and they need talk about this, about what new thing is haunting Vader.

With surprising strength, Vader pries Anakin's arms off of him and pulls away, twisting around to glare at him with burning yellow eyes. Anakin doesn't flinch away; he isn't even cowed in the slightest, because he knows Vader, and he knows himself. He knows that the fury Vader is wielding like a blade is no less than what is inside him. They are not so unalike.

"I do," Vader spits, angry and defiant. "I think you do not understand what I am, what I've done, or you do not want to understand. I could not fault you for that."

Anakin feels his own anger rise in response, but he takes a measured breath, reaching out to touch Vader's shoulder. The Sith pulls back a moment before Anakin's hand could have made contact, but his eyes flicker down towards it for a moment, and he looks… desperate, before the feeling is buried again. It is nothing new for Anakin to struggle with his anger and with his emotions, in general, but it has grown worse with Vader here. They feed off each other, and when Vader reacts strongly to something, it's easy for Anakin to tumble down after him, their feelings looping so intensely that Anakin can lose track of where he ends and Vader begins.

The Dark Side is easy, but he has sworn off it, especially after what it has done to Vader. That doesn't mean he won't use it, because he has in the past, and he probably will again, in the future, but he won't give in now. And that idly reminds him of his lightsaber, of how he bled the kyber crystal, something which he needs to fix at some point. But not now. Now, Vader needs him, and Anakin will Vader everything and beyond if it will help.

"If you think I don't understand, then show me," Anakin throws back, voice firm but not angry. It's more challenging.

Vader's eyes narrow, and he reaches for Anakin's mind through the Force, through their bond, shoving flashes of moments, images into his mind. They're all tinted red because of Vader's mask, but the undertone of them all is the same. Battles, slaughters, the feeling of death in the Force, the scent of blood and smoke in the air. An image of a village of Twi'leks killed merely because they were there and because they saw Sidious. Scenes of Vader merely being a tool, a weapon being wielded in his master's hand.

"I allowed it," he states when Anakin says nothing and merely watches him. "It was…" Something like pain flashes across his face and he looks away.

"I won't minimize it," Anakin says softly. "You know how awful what you did was, but I will not judge you for it. I won't punish you for it, either. I want you to get better, so you can be better." When he touches Vader's knee, the elder doesn't pull away, though he doesn't move closer, either.

His expression scrunches with confusion, and it makes Anakin's heart break, because the idea of helping people, of making them better, even… it's something that's always been a part of him. He doesn't know when or how Vader forgot that, or even ceased to think it applied to himself as well. "There is no turning back from the Dark Side." Vader's voice is numb, monotonous, even without the vocoder, as if he's repeating something he's been told again and again.

And he is, in a way.

"You know that's not true." Anakin shakes his head, though he keeps his voice kind, gentle. "I did. I did, and we are the same at our core. We have the same soul."

"What do you want me to do?" Vader asks helplessly, and Anakin swallows back the sudden desire to cry at the question.

"Nothing. Nothing. I would never – Vader, I would never presume to… order you to do anything." Emotions, his own and Vader's, threaten to overwhelm him and he scoots forward, placing his hands lightly on Vader's shoulders and presses their foreheads together. "You deserve to make your own choices. You are free."

Vader reaches up, clasping one of Anakin's wrists, though he can't feel the contact. "It doesn't – it doesn't feel like it," he admits, voice raw with pain. "Never – It never does."

"I know," Anakin manages to say, pulling back enough to press a kiss to Vader's forehead, pressing a gentle hand to his back. "It never does, does it? But you are. You are free. If you truly don't want to heal, I won't push you anymore, I promise. I'll support you in whatever you choose. I just… I want you to be… happy." It sounds so stupid when he says it aloud, and there's a flare of amused despair from Vader, a shudder running through the elder's body.

"I do not know what that word means any longer."

It's a bitter, painful truth, and Anakin furiously blinks away tears that threaten to fall at the sheer enormity of how badly Vader has been screwed up. No matter how much he's seen and heard, no matter how much he knows, it never ceases to astound him at how fundamentally broken Vader has become. Sometimes, he thinks that he can't even make sense of it; it's too much for his mind to even fathom.

He wraps his arms around Vader, pulling him into an embrace that he can only hope is comforting. He doesn't know how else to help this man, what else he can even do to support him. If Vader wants to heal, he'll have to make that choice on his own, because Anakin will never force him. Never. He will not become another slave master for Vader.

Vader leans into the embrace, though Anakin suspects it's merely because he's so desperate for touch, not because he's willing to seek or accept the comfort. "You can relearn. I will help you."

"You shouldn't," he murmurs, his body relaxing very little despite the contact. "You – you should not waste your time on me."

"You're a person, Vader. A person. Not a tool. Not a weapon. Not a –" Anakin's voice drops lower, "– slave. You're a person."

Vader is quiet for a long time at that.

"He – he gave me the name Vader." It's unnecessary to specify who the 'he' is. "He… owned me. Every part of me. There was nothing of me that… was not also his." The words catch in his throat, and there's a deep sorrow, a wild, desperate grief echoing into the Force around him. Anakin thinks that, if this pain wasn't such a deep one, Vader might be crying.

"If you don't want that name," he ventures delicately, "Then drop it. You don't need to keep anything that he gave you."

Vader shakes his head. "I cannot. I cannot." He pushes back slightly, pressing a hand to Anakin's chest. "Your name, our name, it belongs to someone who is… good, pure, light." His metal fingers are cool against Anakin's bare skin, and Anakin gently lays his own hand on Vader's, covering it.

"I have done much, too, in the name of the greater good," Anakin reminds him quietly. "I have killed out of vengeance. I have done the things that the Jedi have commanded of me. I have led a war. Is it – was it really good or right when I was fighting for a corrupt Republic being led by a Sith Lord? I followed orders, yes, but so did you. The only difference – the only difference – is that I fully believed I was doing what was right. You… never fully did, did you?"

Vader turns his head away, but not before Anakin can see the shame on his face. "No."

Anakin consider saying something else, though he doesn't know what that something would be, so instead, he wraps Vader in his arms and just… holds him. At this point, there's nothing else that he can do, anyways. He tries to wrap himself around Vader in the Force, no matter how futile of a gesture it may be. He just – he felt compelled to do something, and it may be the only thing that will actually distract Vader and calm him.

Neither of them says anything else. It's not as if they have anything more to say.

**w**

Omega is there when Vader is lowered into the bacta tank, hovering near Kix and firing off questions nonstop. Anakin likes seeing her so much more relaxed, happy than she was before on Kamino. Perhaps she hid her misery well, but he was still able to feel it in the Force, and he couldn't deny her his help. At first, Vader had been hesitant to allow anyone else, other than Anakin and Kix, that is, to be present, but Omega has asked, and he'd caved, perhaps because of her earnestness or perhaps because of her childlike innocence, Anakin doesn't know.

Despite her young age, she's still very capable of seeing and understanding the severity of Vader's condition, and though she has yet to comment on it to Anakin or Vader, Anakin knows that she is all too aware of it. There's a gravity to the way that she acts while in here as opposed to elsewhere.

She is the baby of the clone army, of the 501st, and the clones seem overjoyed to have a little sister to care for. She can be found following someone around at pretty much all times, curious and enthusiastic, asking questions and seeking to learn. Anakin, himself, is not immune to her charm, either, and over the past two weeks, he's spent no less than two hours straight explaining to her the intricacies of his prosthetic and how it works. That somehow led to Anakin performing a demonstration on Vader, and together, the three of them upgraded both of Vader's legs, making them far slimmer and lighter, while being just as durable.

It was a project that took them hours. Many, many hours.

Anakin is quite pleased by the fact that Vader was so agreeable to doing the upgrading, especially since he's been quite reticent with respect to his other, more serious issues. At least he finally knows why now, though.

"Can you show me more about your lightsaber?" Omega questions eagerly, her attitude reminding Anakin of Ahsoka so abruptly that something in him twists with longing. He misses his padawan so much that it aches sometimes. "You told me that you would."

Anakin gives the chrono a pointed look. "Isn't it past your bedtime, young one?" he questions, and she pouts.

"Please?" she asks, widening her eyes ever so slightly, and making Anakin cave instantly, despite himself. And he doesn't even know if she's doing it on purpose, though she certainly could be; he wouldn't be surprised, and it would be… comforting, in a sense, to know that she's so comfortable around him.

And besides, she's right. He did promise that he would. He just didn't agree to do it in the middle of the night. "It must be past your bedtime," he objects, sighing when she picks up his lightsaber where it's lying on the table along with his cloak – he put his inner robes back on after Kix came in to put Vader in the tank.

"It feels… sad." Her brow furrows, and he can feel her surprise wafting lightly into the Force. His heart lurches at that comment, though.

"You can… feel it?" he manages, shocked. As far as he knows, none of the other clones could, though Fives did make an off-handed comment about it being 'creepy.'

"It's hurt," she says in lieu of reply.

Which only serves to remind Anakin of the other thing which he had wanted to do. He wants to heal his crystal, free it of the pain and hurt inflicted on it; if only he could heal Vader just as easily. It's a thought he pushes side, glancing towards the bacta tank for a moment before sitting on the floor, levitating his lightsaber from Omega's hands to his own. "One little demonstration, perhaps, then," he agrees, ignoring Kix's knowing smirk. "I can explain all the pieces a different time, when it's not in the middle of the night."

"Okay," she agrees readily, sitting opposite him, mirroring his position.

He lifts the lightsaber into the air, feeling the components in his mind and taking them apart until the red kyber crystal is visible. "This is the heart of a lightsaber," he murmurs, pointing to it, keeping the parts suspended with his mind alone. "It is what gives the lightsaber it's life and power, and normally, the kyber crystal is bonded to the wielder. The crystal chooses a Jedi, and they bond. Your lightsaber," he says, deliberately slowly, "Is your life."

Kix is watching too, curiously, though he stays back, letting Anakin demonstrate to Omega.

"Woah," she breathes, brown eyes wide with awe. Her headband, which signified her as Nala Se's medical assistant is gone now. Anakin heard from Rex that she disposed of it, cutting ties with Kamino even further.

"I… hurt it," he admits. "It is a Sith practice which Vader instructed me in. The Sith thrive off pain and anger. But now… I will heal it. All things can heal, Omega, if we only try." He doesn't know exactly what it is that is pushing him to do this so soon after his conversation with Vader regarding the elder's struggles; perhaps he wants to prove to himself – and to Vader – that they can both heal what they have broken.

And he also doesn't know if his words are really being directed to Omega or… if they are truly meant for Vader.

He waits until she nods silently before closing his eyes and sinking into the Force, letting the Light flow through him. It feels as though it's wrapping him in a loving embrace, and he focuses on those feelings of light, of life, and channels them towards his kyber crystal, allowing it to feel relief from the pain. He channels the love that he feels for Vader, for Obi-Wan, for Ahsoka, for Padme, for Rex and all of his boys. He doesn't allow himself to think about the struggles, the pain, the longing.

Right now, none of it matters.

In the Force, the crystal's song changes, and when Anakin opens his eyes, it's glowing white. Omega watches with bated breath as he reassembles the lightsaber with the Force and ignites the blade. It's white, just as he knew it would be, and now, he feels… balanced. He's touched the Dark and the Light. Both are within his grasp, and this is… the middle.

"It's beautiful," she whispers, awed, and Anakin can't help but smile at her words.

"It is," he agrees, staring at it for a moment before extinguishing it and levitating it back to where it was. "It is time for a certain little one to go to bed now." She sulks, but complies, and Kix promises to make sure she gets there.

Once he's alone, he returns to the bed to take up his silent vigil. At some point, he'll rest, here at Vader's side, but first, there are some things to which he must attend.

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