Chapter 23 - Crashing

DISCLAIMER: We (unfortunately) do not own Star Wars. :P

Author's Note: Don't expect me to care that most of this fic feels like mostly plotless bonding time. It kind of is, but it also has a point, and we're inching along very slowly. :D

~ Amina Gila

Vader had done his best to close off his bond with Anakin, blocking out the younger's feelings to grant him some privacy when he speaks with his wife. He will not deny having felt some apprehension about how the conversation would go, but despite his shielding, despite Anakin's shielding, Vader still felt the ebb and flow of his emotions, the way they spiraled downwards.

He's waiting when Anakin gets back; his expression is subdued, and he's clutching a datacard in his hand. "She has some suggestions," Anakin blurts out, not looking at him, putting the item down on the desk with trembling fingers. "For the Empire. For how we… govern. She thinks implementing them would help."

Of course, she does.

Padme has always been such an idealist, and that was the thing that Vader had loved about her most. He can't even count how much time he spent adoringly watching her as she went on and on about some reform or bill and all of the pros and cons. He couldn't contribute much, but he could listen, and she said that it helped her to talk aloud to him.

But those times are long gone, and reminiscing doesn't do him any favors.

"What happened?" Vader asks, stepping up to Anakin's side and touching his shoulder. "Tell me. What did she say to you?"

"She doesn't understand," Anakin replies miserably, scrubbing a hand over his face. "She doesn't understand that we are only trying to bring peace and restore justice and order. She doesn't understand… you."

Vader wraps Anakin in his arms, sharing his pain. There's nothing more that he can do. Anakin returns the embrace desperately, soaking in the offered comfort, and clinging to Vader through the Force. "I expected nothing more from her," Vader admits, though it hurts. "She does not know the truth. She has no reason to trust me."

"She isn't going to know the truth either." Anakin's voice is a curious mixture of misery and defiance. "I won't tell her. I don't want her to know."

Vader can say the same. It was hard enough in the past, to see how his family reacted to him, to what he became. Though Anakin has been so accepting of him, he doesn't have any hopes that anyone else will react likewise. He doesn't know if he ever wants… her to know. It would probably be easier for her to remain in the dark, but that doesn't really solve the growing distance between Anakin and his wife.

He remembers what it used to be like, and it was never anything like this. Before… before, he spent much of his free time on Coruscant with her. There often wasn't much, but it was enough, and they made it work. Now, Anakin hasn't spent any time with her for over two weeks. He hasn't gone to her apartment, and it's obvious that there's tension there. It's to be expected, of course, but it's something that Vader needs to try and fix.

"She is not unreasonable," he offers at last, feeling awkward, and stroking a gentle hand through the younger's curls. "She can be made to see our viewpoint if we give her time."

Anakin makes a quiet, pained noise. "Are you sure?"

"You said we could make amends if we try," he reminds.

"I did, didn't I," Anakin murmurs after a brief pause. "It – we can. I can," he acknowledges grudgingly, "But it feels so far off and unattainable. Impossible."

Vader probes at his emotions through their bond, resignation settling heavily over him. "You are lonely," he states bluntly. He should have expected it, should have realized. Anakin is not like him. He has grown accustomed to being alone, but Anakin is not. He is used to having people. He needs them. Vader remembers those times, distantly, but they hardly seem real to him – they only seem more real when he's touching Anakin and actually remembers.

There's a flicker of guilt. "I –" Anakin doesn't deny it, though he feels like he wants to.

"There is no shame in it," Vader tells him, feeling guilt of his own for dragging Anakin into this situation. "I did not give thought to your feelings when I started down his path. I have dragged you down with me."

"Do not," he returns firmly, "Ever apologize to me again. I don't want to hear it. You have nothing to apologize for. I would follow you to the end of the world, if I had to, Vader."

His grip on Anakin tightens as he realizes, not for the first time, that Anakin really means that. He would do it. He would do anything for Vader. It is not a loyalty to which Vader is accustomed at receiving. Giving? Yes. He gave it to Obi-Wan, to his – to Sidious. And he would give it to Anakin, too. But never has he actually gotten such a thing, and it's strange, disconcerting, overwhelming, touching to realize how deeply Anakin cares for him.

It would probably even sound ludicrous for someone who doesn't understand the bond between them, given that they are, technically, the same person. For all that Vader hates himself, he doesn't hate Anakin. He could never. He could never even hate another version of himself who has reached the same state he has now. Which should give him something to seriously consider sometime. It does, but he doesn't want to think about it, because it would mean wondering if Anakin is right about how Vader doesn't deserve to suffer.

And that – he can't. He – this is atonement. This is his destiny. He cannot escape it.

(He doesn't understand why, if he can accept that Sidious has lied to him and manipulated him in the past, he can't accept that it may be true of this. Perhaps because he has never had a say over his body since It happened, and the idea of having to decide for himself what he should look like and be like is terrifying.)

"I love you," Vader blurts out, hardly sure how else to respond to Anakin's passionate declaration. He was like that too, wasn't he? All passion and fire and fierceness. He isn't like that anymore. Now, he's a star that's burned out, slowly dwindling to nothing.

Anakin's grip around him tightens. "And I, you," he vows.

They stay like that for a moment longer before Vader gently presses the grate of his mask to Anakin's forehead in lieu of a kiss before pulling back from him and picking up the datacard which Padme gave to Anakin. The younger shudders internally when he sees it, and Vader can't help but look at him and ask, "what is it?"

Anakin's eyes are downcast, and he refuses to look at Vader. "It is… nothing." That he's being so tight-lipped about it disturbs Vader because Anakin isn't normally like that. He always tells Vader things when they trouble him. They seek solace in one another. It's just what they do.

"You can tell me," he encourages, plugging the datacard into his datapad and beginning to look at the document and information contained within it.

"She doesn't trust you," Anakin finally blurts out. In the Force, he feels agonized.

"As well she shouldn't," Vader replies, unruffled. He had already known that if not from common sense than from the distrustful looks Padme has thrown him from afar and from how the Force ripples with anger around her when he's around.

"I – I guess… but she said things, awful things, and I just – I can't –" He cuts himself off, and Vader doesn't push him to continue this time. In truth, he doesn't want to know. But he can grasp the reason behind Anakin's turmoil.

"She does not know who I am," Vader reminds him, looking at him steadily.

"But would she still feel the same even if she did know?"

He stills as the words sink in. He would like to say no, but… Vader has no idea. It is not wholly impossible that Padme would still say the same things even if he knew his identity. It's not impossible that she would react even more negatively, saying things that would totally shatter his sense of self, and for the first time, he realizes why Anakin is so adamant that Padme not know, that they not tell her who Vader is and how he really came here.

And to think that he was trying to bring her back to life when this happened.

Perhaps that is why he failed, why the Force instead granted him this chance, because it knew that he would not like how it turned out. He had – had forgotten somehow the way things could be between him and his wife. They got along so well because they loved each other, but then, there were times when they clashed, when everything the other said only angered or irritated them. He loved her, and he always overlooked their fights and Padme's slights against him because of how much he wanted her.

When she died, it ceased to matter, and he could never think ill of her when he killed her, or thought he had at any rate.

His thoughts of her had been twisted, colored by his guilt and his lingering attachment. The possibility of bringing her back to him had overshadowed every other thought including how she would actually feel about it, about him. Perhaps she would be willing to embrace her renewed life, but she would probably never have accepted him. On Mustafar, she was planning to walk away from him, wasn't she? If Obi-Wan hadn't come when he did, would she have renounced him then and there and left him?

And if she did, what would he have done?

It's not something he wants to think about, so he endeavors to push the thoughts from mind. "I know not," he admits, finally answering Anakin's question. It's more of an answer than he cares to think about.

"I don't know what to do," Anakin says softly, leaning against the desk, and Vader looks away from the datapad to give the younger his attention.

"Neither do I," he confesses. "I am not… capable of giving relationship advice of any nature." He pointedly does not think about the last time he saw his own wife and how he handled her perceived betrayal.

Anakin huffs out a semi-amused laugh before nodding to the datapad. "What does she suggest?"

He skims through it, frowning as he considers her recommendations. "She thinks that we should split the Empire into sectors, and each sector will have its own elected Senate-like institution which will deal with the immediate problems therein. It would make the current system much more efficient, as the Galactic Senate would only deal with issues of a galactic importance instead of those which primarily affect certain regions. It is more involved than that, but that is the basics of it."

"Do you think it would work?" Anakin asks curiously.

Vader ponders it, having to admit that he knows little enough about politics to actually be able to answer that question, but – "It will remove some of my power and responsibilities," he allows. "It will enable the sectors to govern themselves."

"I hate politics," the younger grumbles, rubbing his temple. "I have no idea if that would help the galaxy more or not, but it would do nothing to eliminate the pervasive corruption in the system."

"I agree," Vader states. "We must do more. This is taking far too long." He had thought that presenting the galaxy with the proof of the Senators' corruption would make their punishments more acceptable, but perhaps he needs to stop waiting. Perhaps he needs to take immediate action so that they cannot continue on as they have been. He is Emperor. He rules everything. He doesn't need to wait, and he expects that many of the people in the galaxy would heavily support his abrupt, harsh actions against the corrupt politicians.

"Can we hasten it?" Anakin wants to know.

"We will give Padme a little more time to find evidence, and then, whether she has found it or not, we will take action," Vader decides. "I know which Senators were most in league with Palpatine, which ones were the most corrupt. We will begin by eliminating them. Publicly. The Senate will not support us, but the people will. It is time to bring to bear the extent of our power. The public must know what we stand for."

Anakin nods firmly. "I agree."

Vader holds out a hand to him. "I can feel you are restless. We are not accustomed to being still for so long. Perhaps we might spar?"

The younger brightens instantly. "I would love to."

They leave the Senate, uncaring that it's still in the afternoon – Vader is Emperor; he can come and go as he pleases, and even Sidious took breaks. Anakin needs him, needs a distraction, and that matters more than anything else. They go to the barracks to the training rooms there, and even though they don't announce their presences, a sizable audience, primarily from among the 501st, shows up to watch. Vader notes, with some amusement, that Omega is there, practically bouncing with excitement as she sits in the front.

They stand opposite one another, before Anakin bows as is traditional. Vader inclines his helmet, returning the gesture as best he can, as they simultaneously draw and ignite their lightsabers. His is, of course, red, and Anakin's is white, even if it looks red through his lenses. For a brief few seconds, they stand there, sizing each other up before Anakin springs forwards, crashing their blades together.

It's only then that Vader can truly admit to himself how much he has missed fighting. He is a warrior; war is in his blood, and he was never made to sit around and play politics. He is meant to be out fighting. They exchange rapid blows, testing each other's defenses and skills – well, at least Anakin is. Vader remembers how he used to fight, at least to a point, and he is focusing more on ensuring that Anakin can take what he dishes out. He doesn't exactly think so, but Anakin surprises him, standing up remarkably well despite how brutal Vader's blows are.

"I can take it, Vader," Anakin says, as if reading his thoughts. "Do your worst."

"As you wish," Vader replies, delving into the Force, into the Dark Side, channeling through his body. It fills him with a heady rush of power, one which he has missed so very badly. He yearns for this, and the desperate desire to fight and win surges through him. Anakin feels it; of course, he feels it, but he doesn't even flinch, meeting it with a wave of anticipation and readiness.

Vader lunges. He might be a cyborg, his body might be bulky and very heavy, but he can still move and move quickly if he needs or wants to. As he rains several brutal strikes down on Anakin, he can't help but marvel at how much better he feels. His body is slowly healing. It doesn't hurt as much when he moves, and he'd forgotten what it was like to be able to move without searing pain rippling through his every nerve ending.

Anakin spins out of the way, using his younger, more agile body to his advantage, parrying Vader's blows, and ducking back when Vader advances. They circle each other again before Vader presses forwards. This time, Anakin meets him, and their blades lock together. Vader is physically stronger, and he presses downwards, forcing Anakin back a step, suddenly pulling back and swinging at his arm. The younger man ducks under it, the Force guiding him just as much as it always has Vader.

It's thrilling, being able to unleash his power like this on an opponent who can take it, on a partner who is capable of evading him, who is capable of matching him in the Force. Still, Vader is careful to keep his shields up so that no other Force sensitives can get a glimpse of him, can get a clue as to his true identity.

Their duel goes on for an hour before Vader calls it off. Anakin is panting and sweaty, but he's glowing with an inner calm that he had lost after talking to Padme. He's content again, and Vader finds that he himself is as well. It is a… strange feeling. Contentment. Happiness. They are foreign to him, or they had been before he came here and met Anakin again.

The clones are cheering, congratulating Anakin and him – though those who do are primarily the ones who know him – and even Omega bounces over, rambling a mile a minute over how incredible and awesome it was. It is… nice to be looked up to like this, to be admired instead of feared, to receive awe because of his power instead of disgust. He does not deserve it, and perhaps he never will, but he is selfish enough to want to accept it.

"Do you think I could learn to use a lightsaber?" Omega asks shyly, hopefully.

There is so much hope in her brown eyes that it makes Vader's heart clench painfully when he thinks of the daughter that he will never get to know. "You may, young one, even if you do not have the Force," Vader replies, feeling powerless to deny her anything.

"I think she does," Anakin says, and the entire room just… freezes. Stills. Vader can hear nothing but his own respirator as everyone looks at Anakin. He doesn't seem bothered by the sudden attention, merely shrugging. "When I purified my lightsaber," he explains, "She could feel the crystal. None of the others have been able to do so as far as I know."

The silence is shocked, and thoughtful maybe, as his words sink in. "I can become a Jedi?" Omega queries, sounding surprised and a little eager.

Anakin ruffles her hair playfully. "If that's what you want, Omega. Vader and I would be more than willing to train you. We can test your sensitivity to the Force, but just because you're not strong, that doesn't mean you can't be trained."

"Really?" She's so enthusiastic, so bright, and Vader remembers Ahsoka, how she was once when she was still young. He thinks about his own children, twin stars whom he'll never get to see. And he grieves for them, for the time he has lost, even as he embraces the family that he has now gained.

"Yes," Vader promises. "Anakin and I will train you if that is what you desire."

Her expression is answer enough, and Anakin and Vader meet each other's eyes over her head. "Is this what you want?" Vader queries through their bond.

Anakin hardly even hesitates. "Yes, Omega deserves this chance, and I think it might help people look on the clones more favorably. Ahsoka would understand if she knew."

"I agree," he answers, before sending Anakin a wave of pride. "Well done in the duel, Anakin. It has been a long time since I have received a challenge."

Anakin grins at that, equal parts bashful and happy, and for the first time in a long, long time, Vader can truthfully say that he thinks he is… happy, too. (Is that really what this feeling is? Happiness?) No matter how fleeting this feeling may be, he will embrace it. It is Light and addictive and so different from all of the Dark which has consumed his heart and mind and soul for so many years. He likes it, and he wants more, even if he doesn't deserve it.

Perhaps – perhaps Anakin is… right about him. Perhaps it is not too late for him.

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