Screwed In Jersey

by Ectodude

Red Bank, New Jersey. A young woman is murdered. On this night, an off-duty Ghostbuster meets a disgruntled convenience store clerk at a hockey game and hit it off. When attempting to offer the clerk a ride, the Ghostbuster has been pegged for the murder. The woman was the clerk's ex-girlfriend. Now the clerk, the Ghostbuster, and two local delinquents must uncover the set up.

4. Stealth

Chapter 4: Stealth

10:22 PM

A few blocks away from the Quick Stop, Lucky Black quickly rolled through a very dilapidated part of Leonardo to get out of sight quickly. Dan and Dante were in the front, but in the very cramped back of the S-10 sat Jay and Silent Bob. Because of wearing the equipment in the already cramped quarters of the back, Jay and Bob were rather… shall we say, close, "Get your fuckin' fatass rolls off me, you tubby bitch!" It was like this the whole ride, and although it was a short trip, it felt like an eternity. Dan watched the two continuously shove each other in the rearview mirror as he sighed, "This is why when I have kids, I can't drive a vehicle this small."

"These two are the best allegories for children," Dante added. From the back seat, Silent Bob reached for Dan's shoulder and tapped on it. Dan looked back and saw Bob pointing to a run down two-story that looked better as the setting for a Fallout game. Dan snickered at the house as he brought the truck to a stop, "Nice place."

"Fuck you!" Jay yelled from the back as he pointed at Dante, "This is where our business is! It was better off before this meat-flute player and his bitch got us kicked out!"

"Makes sense," the Ghostbuster behind the wheel said, "you live in a town that's equivalent to Harvey, Illinois. This makes me feel like I need a tetanus shot." Dante turned in his seat and looked at the two, "I thought with all that money you made from the Bluntman and Chronic movie you could afford something that wasn't dogshit?"

"Man," Jay was now really annoyed, "I don't handle the money flow around here; that's Tubby's job! I do the sellin'," for some inexplicable reason, Jay started to get suave, "You could say I'm the face man." Dan looked at him in the mirror and saw the smirk on the stoner's face. He couldn't resist, "With a face like that, it's no wonder you live in squalor." Both the Ghostbuster and the clerk got out of the truck leaving the two jackasses in the back. Jay was confused at Dan's statement, "'Squalor'? What, does he think you're Alfred Hitchcock and we live with a lot of birds or somethin'?"

Bob looked at his life-long cohort confused. All he did was shake his head, push the seat forward, and got out leaving Jay to do the same, frustrated at his non-answer, "What? A squalor is a bird, isn't it?"

Dan and Dante stood by the garage and waited for Silent Bob to approach, Jay stumbling out of the truck shortly after. Dan kept looking at the building and looked to the man in the coat that walked beside him. He spoke with dread in his voice, "Let me guess: we'll be driving a piece of shit." The quiet man shook his head and reached into his inside coat pocket to produce a garage door controller. The door opened and revealed a brand new white 2002 Volkswagen Jetta.

Dan was impressed, "I take it back. Good choice."

Silent Bob smirked as he took the keys out of his pocket and threw them at Dan. Everyone loaded the Proton Packs into the truck, piled in, and began to move the vehicle out. After rotating the vehicles around and Dan putting the Ghostbusters-branded truck in the Jetta's place, they began their journey to the wilds of Manhattan but not after Dan retrieved an emergency set of dust masks out of the back of the truck. Walking back to the Jetta and getting in, Dan handed the dust masks around, "Here, we're gonna need these."

Dante - who was sitting behind the driver seat beside Jay - eyed the mask as he took it, "What are these for? I don't think these are gonna stop us smelling the stink on these two." Jay was rather offended by that, "What the fuck? I took a shower today!" "And you also smoked your obligatory 15 joints for the day, right? Because that's why you smell like a skunk." "And that's where you're wrong, motherfucker. I didn't smoke no 15 joints," Dante turned in his seat and gave the stoner the stink eye. Jay reaffirmed his stance, "It's true! I didn't smoke 15. I only smoked 13. I got room for 2 more."

Even Dan looked behind him confused. Dante had to get his last jab in, "I'm amazed you can count that high."

Jay, being the idiot he was, completely misinterpreted the statement, "Of course I can count while I'm high!"

Now Dan's brain was broken, "Will you two knock it off?! Jesus Christ, I'm dealing with Groucho, Chico, and Harpo! You'll see why we need the masks when we get to where we need to. For now, we gotta get outta here before we're spotted!" Dan put the car in gear and pulled out of the garage allowing Silent Bob to close the door. As they were pulling away, a gust of wind blew a pile of leaves toward the door. A single leaf blew before the sensor in the front of the garage, stopping the door from closing. The door opened back up exposing the truck to the world and the passengers of the Volkswagen were none the wiser.

10:57 PM

A half an hour into the trek to New York was a tense one for some of the vehicle's occupants. Dan found himself running the small German-built vehicle several miles an hour over the speed limit causing him to slow down from time to time. They were roughly halfway to Manhattan, now passing Woodbridge Township on I-95. If the tension was any thicker, it could be used in a skyscraper's foundation. If the Ghostbuster's chest was any tighter he'd inadvertently start breaking his own ribs. Never in his whole life would he think of being framed for murder. He thought about doing it outright, sure, but he always knew he'd get caught. In truth, he really didn't want to be evil and kill someone for personal gain or even in spite, but there were people that made his life hell. His own Ex-Girlfriend Jamie, for starters. Still, he knew killing someone was outside his wheelhouse and desires. Dan didn't want to kill anyone; he just wanted assholes to stop being evil. It seemed like that was too much to ask for. Now he has someone or something in for him and he isn't even sure what or who it was.

Dante was just as tense. He kept thinking of what happened, how it went down… It was just that it bothered him to no end. After Randal outright sabotaged him that day years ago with Veronica, even the smoothing over process didn't go the way he hoped. He was so worried who the feds were talking to. He was unsure what happened so far as to how she was killed. The whole thing was making him numb. He regretted what he said to her that day and even going so far as to contact Caitlin Bree, almost out of spite. If he hadn't been working that day only because he was doing the right thing, Veronica's Ex wouldn't have walked in starting that damn conversion. No matter how many times he replayed what Randal said that day in his head, he was a person that didn't want to ditch work because it was the wrong thing to do. He was a diligent man - even putting said diligence into his own detriment - and just wanted for the good he did to be rewarded.

Both men were being tormented over this and although their feelings were different, it gave off the same dark aura.

Silent Bob turned in his seat behind him and looked to Jay. He nodded his head in the direction of both Dan and Dante. Jay caught the gist of the situation and began his sales pitch, "Man, you motherfuckers are all uptight n' shit. Well, we's in the Bayou and I'm the Medicine Man," he reached into his windbreaker and pulled out a joint that put Tommy Chong's to shame, "We call this sumbitch the Hindenburg. It goes up fast and makes you scream, 'Oh the fuckin' humanity!'" Just as Jay pulled out his lighter Dante called out to Dan making him turn his head and see the joint the size of a Buick. Juggling his attention back and forth from the back seat to the road, Dan said with concern, "You're not seriously thinking of lighting that thing in here, are you?"

Jay put the joint to his lips and lit the lighter.

"Oh, shit," Dante said out loud. Dan also saw it and called it out, "Oh, great. Windows down!" Dan opened both driver side windows, both of them sticking them out with Dan removing his hat beforehand. The car quickly filled with pot smoke as Jay toked at rapid pace. After a moment of the stoner holding the smoke back he finally coughed it out. After taking notice of the two men sticking their heads out he finished his pitch, "When times get tough, it's time to chill with the chronic." Dan and Dante continued to hold their heads out of the window when Jay saw they were actively avoiding the concept laid before them, "Hey, the idea of hotboxin' is that the windows are rolled up. You're lettin' the blaze out, man!"

"This is all I needed in my fucking life," Dan complained as he squinted to keep as much wind out of his eyes, "I get hit with a Sno-Cone; my team loses; I get pinned for a murder; I gotta drive under cover all the way back home with two stoner dickheads and a pissed off register jockey all without being seen lest I get potentially and royally fucked in federal prison. What the fuck else can go wrong?"

As though something was listening, a New Jersey State Police car pulled onto the highway and started to follow behind the Volkswagen. Dan saw it in the mirror and immediately pulled his head in, "Oh, shit!" he started rolling the power windows up accidentally nailing Dante in the chin then subsequently in the nose with the glass. As Dante yelped and cursed the driver out, "Ow! What the fuck?" Jay saw the scramble and once again opened his mouth, "Oh, now you fuckers wanna get blitzed?" "We got rollers on our ass!" Dan explained before throwing out commands, "Jay, put that goddamn thing down and give me your hat! Bob, give me your cigarettes!"

Silent Bob took out his precious pack of Nails cigarettes and looked at them a moment before looking at Dan with puppy eyes. Dan saw the look on the man's face then back to the rearview mirror to see the state trooper activate his lights. Dan growled at him, "I'll buy you another pack, just give 'em to me, goddamnit! Dante, get down and stay down! Do as I say, and above all else, don't panic!"

The trooper got beside the smoke filled vehicle to look in on the driver and his passengers. He saw the driver wearing a plain black t-shirt and a knit cap with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. His bearded front passenger was also smoking a cigarette as well as his lone rear passenger who was wearing a Chicago Blackhawks hat with the bill over his eyes. The passenger in the back was leaning on what looked like a red, black, and white towel over a center console. The trooper picked up his radio microphone and radioed back to his dispatch, "Unit 10-23, that's a negative on that passing hotbox. Looks like a bunch of chainsmokers. Disengaging and reporting to previously reported accident up ahead." The trooper sped up and drove away from the Jetta.

Everyone in the car saw the police car pull away. Dan attempted to let out a sigh of relief and started choking on the cigarette smoke. He yanked the cigarette out of his mouth and wheezed, "Okay, now we can open the windows."

As the smoke was beginning to be vented Dante got out from under Dan's Blackhawks jersey throwing Jay into his door, coughing as he tried to regain air, "Did you have to dig your elbow into my back?" "I was just trying to keep your ass from springin' up like a fuckin' Jackoff-in-the-box," the stoner cried. Dante was annoyed as he hacked a bit to talk, "Considering we're suffocating in here…" the two of them continued to complain as Dan threw the cigarette out the window and pulled Jay's cap off his head before looking at Silent Bob. Knowing facial expressions due to his own form of communication, the quiet man saw the look on Dan's face and knew exactly what he was thinking. All Silent Bob could do is shrug in sympathy.

11:32 PM

After another 20 minutes of travel the Jetta made its way to Manhattan. The vehicle exited the Lincoln Tunnel and made way to their secret entry point. They had to take the Lincoln Tunnel instead of the Holland or even going past Battery Park on I-478 in lower Manhattan because it was the easiest way to the firehouse. The police would know to look for Dan if they came out that close.

The car traveled through Chinatown down Centre Street as everyone in the car saw a large plume of smoke reaching the sky. Dante scooted forward from the back between both front seats to see what it was they were approaching, "Is that what I think it is?" Dan nodded, "Yeah. This was part the reason why I had to get out of the city for a while. I had to get my mind off what happened here." Jay came up beside Dante to look at the smoke from the World Trade Tower site and even he realized where they were, "Man, I hope we get the motherfuckers that did that shit. Cocksucking towel-headed pricks must pay, right Silent Bob?" Silent Bob turned in his seat toward Jay and put out his fist after giving a reaffirming nod. Jay and Silent Bob bumped fists.

Dante was rather taken aback by that, "I'm surprised; I never took you two to be patriotic." "Hey, we might be burnouts like you say," Jay stated with a small sense of pride, "but we're just as American as anyone else. We sell weed to people because we believe its your God-given right to fuck yourself up."

Dante wasn't taking the man seriously, "Sure, you just ooze the American Dream."

"Hey, you fuck with the house, you fuck with the residents," Jay concluded, "and one of those is a big, pissed off rottweiler!" Dan knew that one and agreed, "True. If you can't be proud of who you are and where you're from then there's nothing worth protecting."

Jay - having one of his mood swings - took that opportunity to outright be a disparaging individual to the one man that was actually agreeing with him, "You're one to bitch. You decided to move the fuck out of Chicago. What, you ain't proud of that place?" Without looking Dan threw a closed fist back and like Moe Howard nailed Jay square between the eyes causing his Blackhawks had to be dislodged from Jay's head. As the stoner fell back into the seat Dan grabbed his hat then threw Jay's knit cap back at him, "Sure, I hate Chicago. That's why I'm wearing all Chicago branded shit. Dumbass."

Dan saw where he wanted to attempt this goofy plan, "Alright, we're here." The car pulled into an alley behind an abandoned and run down Chinese restaurant. It was dusty and smoky, the plumes from the tower site covering the area. Dante looked at the location they were at and was rather thrown off by the surroundings, "Where's here? It looks like the set of Escape from New York." "We're down the street from the Tower site," the Ghostbuster explained as he started getting his jersey and hat back on, "There's an old Atlantic Bell access tunnel in this alley we can take into the sewers. The area's been abandoned since before the attacks and everyone who was still here moved out shortly after so we have free reign of the place with no one seeing us."

Dante figured it out, "So that's why you gave us the masks."

Dan started getting his mask on as he confirmed, "Area's too toxic for normal residence, but we're only gonna be here for a short time. Still, you don't wanna breathe this shit, so put them on now." "You think we need this mask shit?" Jay complained, "Fatass here's got so much tar in his lungs he can puke up a fuckin' basketball court." Silent Bob at first nodded at the statement but then his eyebrows flared in realization it was an insult before he looked back at Jay with a scowl.

After everyone finally got their masks on they got out of the car as Dan started looking for the manhole. There was still a layer of dust in the alley that made it hard to see anything. Dan dragged his foot across the alley floor and even stomped on the ground a few times in hopes to hear a clank. It was too dark, "Goddamnit, I had to forget my flashlight in the truck." By this time everyone else got their Proton Packs on. Someone tapped the Ghostbuster on the shoulder and when he turned…

There was a man wearing a full face Soviet-style gas mask with a flashlight shining from under his head.

Dan screamed in terror and was about to physically attack him when the man's arms started waving around frantically. The man grabbed the filter canister at the bottom of the mask and lifted it up revealing it to be Silent Bob. Dan gripped his chest trying to calm himself down. Soon after he grabbed Silent Bob's undershirt and pulled him in. He spoke in a low threatening tone, "You do that again, you'll know exactly where Jimmy Hoffa is." Bob nodded vigorously. After Dan calmed down and released him he looked at the man before him, "What did you want, anyway?" Silent Bob flared his eyebrows again and grabbed a spare flashlight from his inside coat pocket. He handed the flashlight to Dan for him to use. Dan grabbed it, "Oh. I'd thank you, but you could have approached this a little better than you did." Bob conceded with a shrug and nod as he gave a half-grimace that said, "Yeah, I know."

Taking the light and shining it around he found what he was looking for. Approaching the heavily dust-covered manhole he uncovered the dust to find a blacktopped manhole cover. Jay and Dante approached, Dante holding Dan's Proton Pack asking, "How did you know where this place was?" Dan handed the light to Jay and was attempting to stick his hands into the hole to lift the cover, "When I was a rookie Ghostbuster years ago, this was where we ordered our takeout. When I came back I wanted some Chinese from here when I caught a phone guy disconnecting the line. The business folded. When Ghostbusters closed in 96' I went back to Chicago and worked for Ameritech. Being a former phone guy myself I started bullshitting with the guy and he told me about the manhole in the alley here. He told me about it collapsing into the sewers. When Bob here gave the idea out back at the store I immediately thought of this place."

After a few more yanks on the manhole Dan stopped trying. He had a way of doing it without using physical force, but he couldn't do it in front of this crew of Jerseyites. He gave up, "I can't get it." Once again Bob tapped Dan on the shoulder. By this time Silent Bob had switched from the full mask to the dust mask Dan gave him. Dan looked up and witnessed the man pull a crow bar out of his trench coat and hand it to him. Dan raised an eyebrow as he took the tool from him, "Who the hell are you, Inspector Gadget?"

Silent Bob shrugged as Dan put the bar into the leverage point in the manhole rim and put his weight on the bar lifting the cover. Dante put down Dan's pack and with Silent Bob's help they pulled the cover off the hole. Immediately after uncovering the way down the rancid odor of sewer blew out of the hole like a gust of wind. Everyone gagged even with the masks over their faces. Dante backed away, "Jesus, that's nasty!" "Reminds me of home," Dan stated as he squinted, the sewer gasses burning his eyes, "This is what the Joliet leg of the Des Plaines river smells like in the summer. The tunnel must have collapsed more after the towers fell."

Jay looked at the hole with the flashlight peering over the rim, "Okay, so, what motherfucker's gonna go down there?" Dan had grabbed his pack and finished strapping it on when he told everyone, "I'll go. I have the training and I know what I'm looking for. Wait for my signal." Dan crawled into the hole and descended into the dark of the cable vault. Hitting the bottom and stepping foot into a very shallow puddle of water and mud it was dark and rancid. He activated the special light over his shoulder on his pack to look around. The cable vault looked as though it hadn't been disturbed in a very long time, the racks were very messy from contractors not putting the cable in the proper places after being pulled. After it looked safe enough he called up to the others, "All clear. Come on down!"

Dante climbed down and joined Dan in the vault. They watched as both Jay and Silent Bob tried to climb into the hole and get onto the ladder at the same time. "Oh, dear God," Dante said as he put his hand to his forehead, "I can see where this is going." As predicted, both drug dealers completely missed the ladder and fell straight into the hole. They hit the ground with a hard SPLAT! Silent Bob sat up first, his dust mask over his eyes confused at what just happened.

"Get the fuck off me, Fatass!" Silent Bob was sent rolling forward onto the floor of the cable vault as Jay pushed him off. Jay stood up and ripped the dust mask off his face before flinging the contents of the vault floor off his windbreaker, screaming in exorbitant anger, "Fuck, man, it smells like shit down here!" After Dan got Silent Bob on his feet, Bob also removed his mask and nodded, waving his hand in front of his nose. Dante removed his mask to explain what was blatantly obvious, "It's a sewer; not a fucking rose garden."

Dan also finally removed his own mask and counted off on his fingers a couple of points he wanted to state, "This at least tells us at least two things: Evolution still has a ways to go, and gravity is still working," he pointed behind himself, "There's an opening back here under the cable racks. Watch your head."

As the Ghostbusters and the clerk turned and headed toward the opening, the stoner commented to his silent compatriot, "Man, it smelled better when we saw that Shit-Demon that one time, right Silent Bob?" Silent Bob nodded as he took out a cigarette and took out his Zippo. When he flipped back the lid with a click! Dan stopped and turned at the recognized sound. Before Bob could strike the flint Dan ran back and grabbed the lighter out of his hand in panic, "Shit!"

Silent Bob looked royally pissed, him holding the cigarette between his teeth with him shrugging angrily. Dan tried to calm his nerves a moment before explaining, "Don't light anything down here! One spark and the whole place'll explode!" The man in the trench coat's eyes went wide as his jaw went slack. The cigarette fell out of his mouth as the weight of the situation sunk in. Jay was confused at that, "Why the fuck would this place do that?" "You know why it smells like crap?" Dan asked before answering, "It's called methane." Jay and Bob looked at each other stumped. Dan dumbed it down, "It's a volatile gas?"

They both looked back at him just as confused.

"It's highly fucking ignitable?"

Jay looked back at Silent Bob again as he spoke in a hushed voice, "I swear, he's not speaking English." Bob nodded with his mouth hanging open.

Dan started turning red as he got very angry and started to scream, "It goes fucking kaboom!" the two stoners jumped, the pissed paranormal investigator continuing his rant, "Haven't you two fucking morons ever lit a fart?! It's the methane in human shit that's flammable! A sewer has what? Shitloads of human. Fucking. Waste! SHIT!" Jay and Bob leaned back away from the man ranting at them as he walked back toward them. He grabbed both men by their long hair and pulled on them as he growled, "We have 10 blocks to cover! The sewers are broken and badly laid out down here! The longer we dick around with your vapid stupidity, the more likely we're gonna get caught!" He he threw Jay by his hair toward the tunnel opening then took Silent Bob's Nails lighter and hit him in the chest with it, making the overweight man in the coat grunt before he commanded, "Now get your asses in that fucking tunnel and get moving!"