Chapter Nineteen

Don't You Ever Tame Your Demons

Kaz was dreaming.

He knew he was dreaming but he allowed it to play forward. He was younger and running, It was not the dark cracked stones of the Barrel his feet hit against, no. Instead, his feet pushed against soft dirt, crushing long strands of yellowing grass under each step. This was a run fuelled by something he hadn't felt in a long time, a burst of unburdened excitement that had his body pumping his arms to move faster.

A man moved into view, surveying crops with sun-kissed arms folded in front. He turned to face Kaz as the sound of his bare feet came closer. Kaz's heart clenched as he saw the man, but his mouth opened anyway and he felt the words pour out in a breathless rush, "Pa! Pa!" The man, his father, stooped to catch Kaz as he jumped into his fathers' arms. A rush of dirt, sun and grass fills his senses. His father swung him slightly before placing him on the ground.

"What has you running so fast Kaz?" His father ran a hand over Kaz's messy hair. Kaz had forgotten how it felt, the coarse skin pushing against his head.

"The pigs ready Pa, it's time!" He jumped on his toes as he grabbed at his father's arm, beginning to tug in the direction of where he came.

"Well, that's as good a reason as any," His father chuckled before allowing himself to be pulled, running with Kaz. The scenery of the farm sped past in a blur until they entered a small barn with the sound of squealing inside.

"Good call Kaz, she's ready alright. Come here you can be my helper." Kaz knew the pride he felt at this moment, that his father hadn't made him run for Jordie. There was something rare in this memory, something that kept him asleep, seeing how the dream would progress.

He knelt next to his father as the pig materialised in front of them, his father was already on his knees, he had noticed the same thing that had caused Kaz to come running, the pig was straining, but no piglets had come out.

"She's having trouble farrowing." His father explained to Kaz. Kaz remembered how this went. His father had helped the pig complete its labour, and the delivery of 12 healthy piglets had been a cause for celebration. His father had boasted of how calm Kaz had been and Jordie had teased him.

A tight pit of fear wrenched in his chest when, instead of this, the dream twisted. His father was kneeling behind him now, placing a cold knife into his small hand. Kaz stared as the pigs' eyes reddened and the breathing became shallow.

"It's the kind thing to do son," a voice spoke that sent fire down his spine, " you know what to do." The hand that held his was rough, smells of tobacco and wax filling the dream. He looked back into the eyes of Pekka Rollins as the man guided his hand to the now squealing pig. Each squeal rang in Kaz's ears.

"No," Kaz spoke, "No. I don't want to."

"Come now son, you know how to do it." Pekka's filthy smile met Kaz's frozen face. Kaz's hands moved, and he was stabbing upwards into the pig. The pig whose squeals had morphed into screams.

His head ripped back towards the pig, but his knife was buried to the hilt in Jordie's stomach.

"Kaz," Jordie spoke as blood slipped from his lips.

"No," Kaz spoke, trying to will his body to wake up. "No more!" His movements were sluggish, but he could not pull himself from the scene.

"There's a good lad." Pekka's voice spoke in his ear.

He pulled the blade up as the light slipped from Jordie's unwavering gaze.

"Enough!" Kaz hit the floorboards of his attic room with a heavy thud as he threw himself off the bed.

For a moment, Kaz could only scramble against the floor. His hands pushed until his back hit the wooden wall. He scratched at the fabric on his chest, trying desperately to breathe. Just breathe, lungs moving expanding, collecting air and not water. Why could it not be that simple? He clenched his hands within his sweat-soaked gloves. It was not often that he slept without them on, and while the sight could be comical to some, no one had ever seen him sleeping in order to comment on it.

His fingers tightened around his palms, nails pushing in with enough force to cut through the leather if he didn't keep them cut to the skin. He continued to flick his eyes on the furniture surrounding him. He counted his furniture, the chipped desk, two chairs and his dark stool hidden just out of sight. The window unlocked. Kaz's eyes flicked back to the latch. Inej. He could not risk this mess being revealed. He pushed himself up and stumbled towards the window, slamming the latch down. With the access to his shame removed Kaz was able to breathe and focus on the next step. He moved into motion, one step in front of the other. A hand grabbed his sheets and smoothed them over the bed. His shirt was pulled off and thrown into the corner to be washed, the new shirt was on, buttoning up. Fingers slipped in the gloves as he pushed the buttons into their holes, but they would not be coming off, not today. Halfway through splashing the water onto his face and pushing back his hair, Kaz met his own eyes. The water had faded, and the walls began to rise to replace them. When Kaz looked away his jaw was tight, and his hands were steady. Rietveld was in the harbour and Brekker had returned to see through the day.

Keeping busy was the key, and if Kaz was a bit more eager to say yes to jobs, who was going to comment on it? He moved through the slat, eyes searching for a hint of a shadow. Inej was nowhere to be found. It wasn't as if he needed to see her, but he had sent her on no job and Per Haskel had not mentioned her being gone. It did not make sense for her to be absent. Kaz went as far as making sure to move past her room with extra weight on his steps, knowing if she heard him she would make contact. Kaz relayed orders that Per Haskell felt too important to relay himself. He sent off each of the dregs until there were only Pim, Jesper, Big Bol and Anika remaining. He would have preferred others, but this was what he had.

"There is a cart coming from the borders to the financial district this time tomorrow. It contains Kruge and funds headed to the bank."

"Oh, so it's a good old-fashioned bank robbery this time is it Boss?" Jesper's eyes were alight at the prospect.

"We aren't robbing the bank Jesper, we're robbing the cart headed to the bank." Specifics were important, the last time Kaz had robbed a bank it had had some… fallbacks. However, this robbery would be old-fashioned.

"Not that I'm questioning anything Kaz," Pim began in a tone that was full of nothing but questions, "But Jesper and Big Bol are plenty for a robbery, why does this need Anika and me?"

"A cart full of this much loot isn't going to stop for the likes of us, but you and Anika can pass as Merchant children if we dress you up smart. You're short for your age Pim. You can play a good younger brother."

Pim scowled, "Am I going to be able to walk after this?"

Kaz maintained eye contact, silently daring the younger boy to look at Kaz's leg. Pim's eyes remained steadfast with only the slightest twitch. Kaz spoke, "That depends on how quickly you can roll."

Pim's face had paled but he nodded resolutely, trusting of Kaz at his core, "Ghenzin help me."

Notes:

Hi All,
Thank you for reading this chapter, it took me a long time to write it as one, I'm a proper teacher now and am constantly working and two, I am not mentally well yeet.
I was really proud of the dream section and would love to hear what you guys thought.
I have a timeline for this story which makes it very useful when it comes to being stuck, but if there are any inconsistencies in it please let me know as I don't always backwards read.
Apologies for no Inej in this chapter again, she will return at the end of next chapter.
Love you all and appreciate you
~ThisMayFlower