Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games.
Hi! I'm back! It's been a while since my last major story and a lot has happened since then. For example, I had a major identity crisis and changed my username (I used to go by QueenOfFunerals37). I also have a new favourite song of all time, Basketball Shoes by Black Country, New Road. If you've read my past stories, I feel bad about how long I made you guys wait. I really struggled with my first draft of this one. It was a mix of being incredibly busy and writer's block. I wasn't really satisfied with the first few chapters I wrote so I changed the plot, the format and even the main character but I think I eventually got this story into a form I'm satisfied with. I hope you enjoy!
Trigger warning: Mentions of substance abuse and suicide. Maybe a bit of internalised homophobia.
12 Jan, 66
Dear Diary,
Today, Finnick Odair came to District 5 on his victory tour. He's the coolest person in Panem, even cooler than Grandpa! He won the games when he was fourteen and five months, which makes him four months younger than Aunt Becky when she won her games. Aunt Becky says she doesn't mind because she still has the bronze medal.
Finnick ate dinner with us in the Justice Building. I got to talk to Finnick. I asked him if he thought I could fight a dragon like he did. He said yes. That made me very happy.
Yours faithfully,
Gus
11th Jan 67
Dear Diary,
Today, Mercedes Matthews came to District 5 on her victory tour. I'm glad she won her games, even though she had cholera, because her final opponent was fourteen years and seven months and she would've taken away Aunt Becky's bronze medal.
I don't think Mercedes had a very good time in District 5. My cousin Coulomb kept asking her what it was like to have cholera. I'm not sure if Coulomb knows what cholera is. He's three years old. I asked Mercedes if she thought I could kill someone with a plank like she did. She said no. I don't think I offended her because everyone knows that killing someone with a plank is cool, but only in the Hunger Games. Killing people outside the Hunger Games is a crime and crime is not cool. I think Mercedes is just kinda mean. Grandpa says I'm really strong. I could totally kill someone with a plank if I got put in the Hunger Games!
Yours faithfully,
Gus
11th Jan 68
Dear Diary,
Today, Lumas Taffeta came to District 5 on his victory tour. Grandpa says none of us kids were allowed to talk to him because he's a bad man who says bad things. Favonia asked him if he knew how to make clothes, because he's from District 8, and now she's in trouble. Lumas didn't even answer her! I'm glad I kept my mouth shut because now everyone knows I am the most well behaved.
Lumas didn't eat any food and went to the restroom a lot. Grandpa says it's because Lumas is taking drugs in the restroom because he's a bad person. He told us to never take drugs because they are bad. We all said we wouldn't but Favonia is kinda naughty so maybe she will. I would never take drugs. I am the most well behaved!
Grandpa talked to his old friend, Woof. Grandpa was annoyed that Woof helped Lumas win the games, because Lumas is bad. Woof said he just wanted to mentor a male victor so he could retire and Lumas is better than "the girl". Grandpa agreed. "The girl" must be REALLY bad because Grandpa has been angry at Lumas for the last six months. I hope the peacekeepers got her and hung her in the town square.
Yours faithfully,
Gus
12th Jan 69
Dear Diary,
Today, Ramona Hirose came to District 5 on her victory tour. I think she's really cool because her parents are scientists and my parents are scientists so maybe one day I could win the games like her. I asked Ramona if she thought I could win the Hunger Games. She said "Theoretically, anyone eligible to be reaped could win the Hunger Games." Ramona uses a lot of big words. Luckily, I can spell "theoretically" because Dad is a theoretical physicist! I'm not quite sure what she meant but I'll take it as a yes.
Ramona talked to Mom for most of the banquet. I asked Mom what they talked about and she said they talked about growing up with famous parents. I'd never heard of Ramona's parents before she volunteered but apparently Mom and Dad have. I guess it's because they're both scientists, so they're more likely to hear about scientists from another district. Mom says I'd understand when I was older. I think I already do.
EVERYONE in my family is famous. Grandpa, Aunt Sotope and Aunt Becky are all victors. Grandma is a stylist and she used to make outfits for the tribute parade. Great Aunt Io used to be a head gamemaker and now she's a scientist. Mom and Dad are both scientists. Uncle Arcas is an artist. Favonia's a model. Dynamo is really good at maths. Coulomb has just started school and he's already saved a classmate's life because he knows CPR. How does a five-year-old even know CPR? As for Ohmica, she's just a baby but she kicked Aunt Becky from inside the womb every time someone played music, so knowing my family, she's gonna be a classical composer or something.
Meanwhile I'm just average. I'm okay at sports but I haven't found one I'm really good at. I get decent grades but there isn't one subject I have a passion for.
Grandpa talked to his old friend, Gajin, while Ramona was talking to Mom. Grandpa wasn't annoyed at Gajin for helping Ramona win so I think he likes her.
Yours faithfully,
Gus
PS. Apparently, Great Aunt Io, Aunt Sotope and fricking Coulomb all knew who Ramona's parents were before she volunteered. I understand why Io and Sotope knew about Ramona's parents before she volunteered. I understand why Io and Sotope know because they're both adults who keep up with scientific discoveries and crap but COULOMB? Cousin, you are five years old! How the frick do you know about two doctors from District 3 who invented a thing, like, thirty years ago?
11th Jan 70
Dear Diary,
Today, Manel Lobos came to District 5 on his victory tour. I didn't really feel like talking to him. All the girls in my class say he's really handsome. They've also started saying I'm really handsome. I asked them who they think is more handsome, me or Manel. So far, everyone has said me but I know they're all lying because they don't want to hurt my feelings. I've figured out recently that nobody at school really likes me. They just want to be friends with me because my family is rich and famous.
I hate Manel. Everyone likes him more than me. Grandpa was really nice to him, nicer than he is to me. I asked him why when Manel was gone and Grandpa said it was because Manel's brother killed himself four years ago. But I know that grandpa isn't super nice to every victor who loses a family member because Lumas Taffeta is an orphan and Grandpa didn't have anything nice to say to him when he came here.
I think it's pretty obvious that Grandpa would rather have Manel as a grandson than me. Everyone loves Manel. He won the Hunger Games and shot a bunch of mutts. Meanwhile, I've achieved nothing! I came eighth in my school's cross-country race. I got an A in maths once. I don't get why people pretend to like me so much. I've even noticed that Grandma and Grandpa spend more time with my cousins than they do with me!
I don't think Manel is even aware of how much everyone loves him. He said, like, two words the entire meal and didn't look anyone in the eye. He doesn't even fucking care!
I wish I could be like him.
Next reaping is my first one. Maybe I'll volunteer and then I'll be a victor and everyone will love me.
Yours faithfully,
Gus
12th Jan 71
Dear Diary,
Today, Annie Cresta was supposed to come to District 5 for her victory tour but she couldn't come here for mental health reasons. My family still decided to celebrate her victory, even though she's not from Five, so we all had dinner at Grandpa's house and watched a rerun of Annie's games. Grandpa says we always have to celebrate victors, no matter where they come from. Unless they're a rebel like Lumas Taffeta. Or a criminal like Grandpa's neighbour Tesoro. Or "the girl". I still don't know who she is or what she did wrong but I sometimes tell my cousins spooky stories about her to scare them when I get too annoyed at them. Unfortunately, I couldn't do it today, when Ohmica started playing the same tune over and over on her stupid toy xylophone because that tune was the national anthem. I think I would get into very big trouble if I told her "If you play the national anthem again, the girl will get you.". Grandpa loves the national anthem.
Part of me wishes I'd volunteered for the games. I changed my mind for a really stupid reason. My parents told me they were gonna take me to get pancakes after the reaping to celebrate my first reaping, so I decided not to volunteer. That was a mistake. I think I could've won the games. I'm a really good swimmer. I'm on the school's swim team and everything. I could've survived the flood and then I would've been Panem's youngest victor of all time. But I gave it all up for some stupid pancakes.
I'm not planning to volunteer next year. The gamemakers make the arenas really different every year so the next one probably isn't gonna be suited to my skills.
Favonia is disappointed that she isn't going to meet the new victor. I don't think she gets that Annie might just be too sick. I'm only just old enough to grasp it. I've heard that Aunt Becky wasn't very well after her games. She got better, though. Then she married Uncle Arcas and had all the cousins.
I hope Annie gets better. And if she has kids when she gets better, I hope she never gives one of them a stupid toy xylophone as a present.
Yours faithfully,
Gus
11th Jan 72
Dear Diary,
Today, Johanna Mason came to District 5 on her victory tour. Everyone was really excited to meet her because she killed all six Careers, something that has only happened twice in Hunger Games history. Johanna was mean to everyone but I wasn't upset or offended. It was oddly refreshing. I'm used to people being nice to me because they want money or fame.
I think it's because I'm famous. I didn't do anything to get famous. Grandpa is the most famous man in District 5 so I'm just automatically famous for being related to him. But Johanna is also famous. She's famous for something she did - ripping six Careers' faces off. All the victors are like that, famous because of their own incredible achievements. They must look at me and think I'm some regular guy.
I like that, being treated like a regular guy. I also like that it's getting easier to talk to victors. Johanna is only three years older than me. The next victor is likely to be even closer to me in age. One day, I might actually make a friend.
Yours faithfully,
Gus
11th Jan 73
Dear Diary,
Today, Ramona Lopez came to District 5 on her victory tour. She's not very popular here because Stema Ashwell came third and got District 5's best result in fifteen years and most people in Five think she should've won. But it seems kinda unfair to blame Lopez (at dinner, she insisted that everyone called her by her surname, I assume to avoid confusion with Ramona Hirose) for Stema dying. Stema was the one who got into an elevator in a burning building. Lopez had nothing to do with her death.
Maybe that's the problem, that Lopez had nothing to do with any of the deaths in her games save the very last one. She spent most of the games hiding, letting her opponents kill each other, and then slit her final opponent's throat when his back was turned. It was a pretty unsatisfying way for the games to end. Everyone's saying Lopez didn't deserve to win and that Stema or even that guy from Three who came second, Fawkes Chau, should've won instead. At least Fawkes made an impact on the games before the final two, which is more than what Lopez did. In fact, I think Five is even more bitter about Lopez winning than Three, since Fawkes killed his district partner in her sleep and I don't think they want him back. It's very weird, seeing everyone in my district so angry. Normally, Five is very accepting towards visiting victors, unless they killed one of our tributes.
I think the majority of people in Panem are unaware that Ramona Lopez is incredibly skilled with a knife. Apparently, she worked in a slaughterhouse. Grandpa says she must've worked hard, otherwise she wouldn't have had such excellent technique when she slit Fawkes' throat. If Lopez had wanted to, she could've emerged from her hiding place and probably killed every single one of her opponents from the final seven onwards. She chose not to. She prioritised staying out of trouble over showing off her skills. Everyone says that Stema was the best fighter of the final three and Fawkes was the best strategist, but Lopez probably had the best combat skills, she just avoided fights more than Stema did and her simple strategy won her the games, whereas Fawkes' was more complicated and showy but only got him to second place.
I find it fascinating how someone like Ramona Lopez can willingly be so… mediocre. Everywhere she goes, she's in someone's shadow and she just… doesn't care. It must be really nice for her.
I was really hoping to talk to Lopez during the banquet. I was hoping we could be friends. I know what it's like to be overshadowed. Unfortunately, I wasn't the one she wanted to make friends with. Coulomb immediately started asking Lopez about arteries and then Dynamo got in on the action and started talking about standard deviation. It turns out that Lopez's biggest interest is maths, and she's perfectly comfortable with sharing her experiences with slaughtering animals - and one unlucky human - at the dinner table. She's even more obsessive than Dynamo and she has even less of a filter than Coulomb. I spent the entire meal absolutely terrified by the fact that there is a girl who is just like my cousins (or, two of them, at least) except she can kill someone with a knife.
Meanwhile, Favonia was in a sulk the entire meal because Fawkes Chau didn't win the games. She thinks he was really hot, which is ridiculous, because he was just a skinny nerd with good fashion sense. I guess I should be grateful that she was only ten when Manel Mania happened. If I had to listen to my little sister talk about how 'Manel killed, like, seventy mutts' as much as I hear her talk about how Fawkes is 'misunderstood' and 'his district partner deserved to die, she was a criminal' I would disown her. I'm never gonna let her see reruns of his games.
Yours faithfully,
Gus
P.S. Lopez thinks the steak was 'adequate'.
12th Jan 74
Dear Diary,
Today, Tarquin Baretti came to District 5 on his victory tour. Since he was only two years older than me, he ended up talking to me for most of the meal.
Tarquin and I talked about being overshadowed. He says he feels like he was overshadowed by his final opponent, Jiro Ethridge. Everyone made a big deal about Jiro because he almost got District 10 two victories in a row, which is really rare. It's only ever happened to District 1. He had the same strategy as Lopez - being stealthy and slitting people's throats - except he started killing people earlier in the games. Nobody was surprised when it turned out that Jiro worked at the exact same slaughterhouse as Lopez.
At the time, Grandpa was disappointed that Tarquin won instead of Jiro. He doesn't really approve of the Careers. He agrees with their politics but he believes that the Hunger Games should be a level playing field for all the districts. I think he also likes to root for the underdog a little and Jiro was the exact kind of underdog Grandpa likes the most - humble, hard-working and loyal to the Capitol. He doesn't really show his disappointment now. Grandpa usually tries to be a good host unless the visiting victor did something egregiously bad.
Tarquin says he still feels like an ordinary guy. He wasn't particularly good at anything in District 2's Career academy and he's still not sure why he was chosen. I told him he was really strong - he killed Jiro with a brick. He said all the guys in Two are really strong, he's not that special. I said I understood. I'm decent at sports but most people in my family are sporty to some extent. I didn't really feel special either, just a regular kid surrounded by heroes, geniuses and prodigies.
Then I suggested that Tarquin was chosen because he was so stable and reliable. He had healthy relationships with all his allies and he kept a cool head when Jiro started picking them off from the shadows. Maybe District 2 wanted to avoid a repeat of last year's games where, the Career alliance turned on each other due to the haunted house arena and Fawkes Chau's strategy of psychological warfare. Tarquin said that it isn't fun, being the stable and reliable one. I said "But it won you the games."
When the meal ended, Tarquin said he'd write to me. I think I finally have a friend! I won't get to see him much, because he lives in District 2, but we can write letters to each other.
Maybe there's something about me, something I haven't figured out yet. Something that makes me special. Something besides being a victor's grandson. Maybe I'll figure it out, one day.
Yours faithfully,
Gus
11th Jan 75
Dear Diary,
Today, Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark came to District 5 for their victory tour. Katniss and Peeta winning the games is a major disappointment for me. If Cato from District 2 had won, Tarquin would be coming back and I'd get to see him in person again. Maybe I'd also get to make friends with Cato as well. Tarquin wrote to me after Cato died and said he was actually a nice, friendly guy once you got to know him. But instead of Cato, we got two rebels.
I don't think Grandpa has ever hated a victor as much as he hates the Star-Crossed Lovers from District 12. Not even Lumas Taffeta. After the Twelves were declared victors of the Seventy-Fourth Hunger Games, Grandpa sat me, Favonia and our cousins down and explained to us how the Twelves just defeated the purpose of the Hunger Games and committed a serious act of rebellion. Then he told us about all the terrible things the rebels did. I'd already heard that the rebels had committed terrible acts of destruction during the war, but Grandpa says their lack of responsibility led to innocent people to being exposed to toxic waste. That's why Great Uncle Pann got cancer and died, because Great Grandma was exposed to to toxic waste before she gave birth to him, which meant he was more vulnerable to sickness. Grandpa also told us that Grandma and Great Aunt Io were taken hostage by rebels during the Twenty-Ninth Hunger Games and they almost took Grandma away forever. If they'd succeeded, Grandma and Grandpa never would've got married and had kids, so we wouldn't exist. Grandpa told us that we have to keep Grandma getting kidnapped a secret. He wasn't going to tell any of us until we turned eighteen, but since Panem was entering a 'political crisis' we needed to know now.
I think I'm the only one who's old enough to really remember when Great Uncle Pann got sick. Maybe Favonia does, she was eight years old at the time. Ohmica wasn't even born yet. I remember Grandpa blamed the rebels but I didn't think anything of it. Grandpa had been angry at the rebels all year. That was the year Lumas Taffeta had won his games. Now I understand why Grandpa was so angry.
It's also weird, thinking about Lumas Taffeta these days. When I was ten, he was the bad man who did drugs in the Justice Building restroom. Now I'm seventeen - the same age Lumas was when he won his games. Lumas has beaten his morphling addiction, adopted a baby girl and remained surprisingly silent regarding the current political situation. He doesn't seem so bad anymore. Even Grandpa seems impressed by how he's turned his life around.
None of us said a word to the victors from Twelve. None of us wanted to get in trouble and I doubted that a pair of filthy rebels would have anything to say that was worth listening to. The banquet was one of the most excruciating meals of my life. Grandpa wasn't even hiding how much he hated the Twelves. I hope they know that rebels are not welcome in District 5.
Yours faithfully,
Gus
11th Jan 76
Dear Diary,
Today, Fawkes Chau came to District 5 on his victory tour and everyone in my family was very excited to meet him.
Coulomb was excited because most of the tributes in the Quell were the clones of second place tributes. He's been obsessed with clones ever since the Quell twist was announced and we were all so confused about how dead tributes were supposed to compete in the Quell, we called up Great Aunt Io because we thought she'd understand it better than us. She said the Capitol potentially had the technology to create exact clones of the dead tributes using their DNA. Coulomb wanted to ask Fawkes a bunch of questions about what it was like being a clone. Grandpa had to give him a talk and explain to him why Fawkes might not like being asked those questions. Unfortunately, the Quell twist meant that all the clones were mentored by the victor of their games, so Fawkes was mentored by Lopez and Coulomb just asked her all the uncomfortable cloning questions instead. Lopez answered them all because she still has no filter. I think Grandpa should've been a bit more specific with Coulomb.
Favonia was excited because she finally got to brag to her friends about meeting a Quell victor. Haymitch Abernathy was here last year because he'd mentored the Star-Crossed Lovers but we weren't allowed to talk to him and Favonia thinks he's a washed-up old loser. She also still thinks Fawkes is hot, even though he's still a skinny nerd. Now she's annoyed that Stema didn't win the Seventy-Second Hunger Games because, if she'd mentored Fawkes instead of Lopez, Fawkes would live in District 5 instead of District 10 and Favonia thinks he'd date her. I think she's delusional.
Recently, Favonia has trying to date guys in my class, even though they're two years older than her. Mom and Dad say she's only allowed to date boys her age and she's not allowed to have sex until she's eighteen. I'm a bit worried about my sister. She keeps going out on dates with guys and getting photographed by the paparazzi. She says she enjoys the attention but I'm worried things will end badly for her. I have purposefully avoided dating because I don't want to cause a scandal, not that there's anyone in my class worth dating.
On the bright side, I am the only kid in my family (though I'm eighteen so I'm not really a kid anymore) who is well behaved all the time. Favonia dates boys she's not supposed to. Dynamo fakes being sick to get out of family sports games. Coulomb asks a lot of rude questions because he has no social skills. Ohmica stays up past her bedtime and sometimes wakes everyone up playing the cello at midnight. I think I care more than the others. Maybe it's because I'm the eldest and I feel like I have to set an example.
I think Grandpa was the most excited out of all of us, though. According to him, Fawkes Chau is the boy who saved Panem. The boy who killed Régine Maurin - the last remaining figurehead of the rebellion - on the final day of the Quell.
Personally, I think he did it by complete accident.
Fawkes isn't some heroic patriot. He's not an evil rebel, either. He is completely neutral. I've never heard him talk about politics. He hasn't even acknowledged the recent failed rebellion that bled into the Quell. Either he's completely oblivious or he's pretending it never existed. Grandpa says that Fawkes is on our side, he's just being subtle about it. I think Fawkes is just a regular guy who lucked into becoming Panem's hero because he was likeable in his interview and then he killed a rebel because she was his final opponent in the Quell. It's kind of annoying how much everyone loves him.
I know that Grandpa loves me and he'd never want to replace me with Fawkes. I'm family and Fawkes is just a stranger. I'm not twelve years old anymore. Grandpa does spend more time with the cousins than he does with me and Favonia but that's just because their house is closer to his house than ours is. But it's hard not to get jealous of Fawkes. He's the guy everyone's been praising as the saviour of Panem for the last six months and I feel like I just can't compete with him.
It doesn't help that Manel Lobos also came back.
It feels strange, thinking about Manel Lobos again. I had so many strange feelings about him when I was twelve. I remember when he started showing up on the covers of Capitol magazines with the arm of an older woman around his waist and an intoxicated look in his eyes. I showed one of them to Grandpa, expecting him to be mad at Manel - he never approved of his neighbour Tesoro's drinking and womanising. Instead, he just said he felt sorry for the guy. I still don't fully understand why.
At the time, I thought it was because Manel was so famous, he couldn't find anyone who loved him, not even in the Capitol. He just kept having meaningless relationships with people who wanted him for his fame, and those meaningless relationships ended up on the cover of every tabloid. I remember being scared of that happening to me so I never let myself date anyone. I didn't want to get branded as a playboy and damage my family's reputation. At the time I believed that Manel genuinely wanted a girlfriend. I had no idea he was just pretending to be straight. I think there was a rumour that Manel was secretly gay - one that turned out to be true - but I heard it from Grandpa's alcoholic neighbour, Tesoro, so I never really believed it. It was one of those Control Centre rumours that never made it outside the victor bubble so the media didn't pick up on it, at least, not until the Quell.
Shortly after the Third Quarter Quell finished, security footage from the Training Centre of Manel Lobos kissing Fawkes Chau was leaked on the internet. The official story was that rebel hackers from District 3 were targeting Fawkes but it doesn't quite add up. If the rebels really did have access to gamemaker security footage, they could've exposed many of their enemies, not just Fawkes. I suspect that some gossip-loving Capitolite was responsible for the leak. Maybe President Snow did it. When my grandparents made their relationship public after fifteen years of dating in secret, it served as a distraction from the disastrous Twenty-Ninth Hunger Games that were sabotaged by rebels. Maybe Snow wanted to create a distraction from the recent rebellion by serving up the juiciest celebrity couple on a silver platter. That would explain why the Capitol is letting Manel tag along on Fawkes' victory tour.
So today, I had to put up with two insufferable golden-boy victors instead of just one. Yay.
The banquet was hard to get through. Fawkes was very polite and tried to talk to everyone. I get the sense that he's actually glad to be eating a banquet in District 5, meeting new people. Most victors just view their victory tour as a chore but Fawkes seems to be having fun. He mostly talked to my grandparents. They had this really long conversation about culture or something. I wasn't really interested.
I was more interested in Manel. He'd changed a lot in the last six years. Maybe it was just because his clothes were different. Grandma says you can tell a lot about a person by the way they wear their clothes. Last time Manel was here, he wore a suit and he looked very uncomfortable in it. I'm guessing that his stylist made him wear it and he didn't have a choice. This time, he was just wearing a woollen jumper and blue jeans and he seemed a lot more comfortable. He made a joke that they were his formal clothes, since they weren't faded or full of holes. Even I laughed. I didn't realise he had a sense of humour.
Manel was also a lot more talkative than before. I'm not sure if it's because he's older and more confident or because Fawkes kept prompting him to join the conversation. I never noticed this before because he hardly ever spoke but Manel Lobos has a really cute country-boy accent.
Manel just seemed… healthier, healthier than I'd ever seen him look. I spent a while studying, trying to figure out why, taking in the dark curls of his hair and the line of his jaw. The light in his eyes whenever he looked at Fawkes…
That was when I came to the scary realisation that Manel Lobos was absolutely gorgeous. He was also sweet and humble and he had a great sense of humour and, I was finally willing to admit, it was pretty impressive how he killed all those mutts. Maybe I had a crush on him.
I'd never had a crush before. I couldn't believe this was what they were like. I always thought having my first crush would be fun but it just felt painful and overwhelming.
When we were finishing our main course, I said I needed the restroom. Fawkes said he needed it as well but he didn't know where it was so Grandpa asked me to show him the way. On the way there, Fawkes asked me if I wanted to talk about why I was staring at his boyfriend the entire meal. He was scarily calm. I lied, said I wasn't staring at Manel. Fawkes just accepted it. I was really confused. If I had a boyfriend like Manel and some other guy was staring at him, I'd be really paranoid about that guy stealing him from me. I knew I should probably just let the conversation lie but I couldn't stop thinking about it. When I relieved myself, I kept checking that the lock on the cubicle door was done properly, even though I'd never had that worry using the Justice Building toilets before.
Eventually, I was washing my hands in the sink and Fawkes decided to use the sink right next to mine. He didn't look me in the eye. I cracked.
"I was staring at Manel because I think I'm getting a crush on him," I blurted out. I had to get it off my chest.
Fawkes said he already knew. He asked me if I felt better now I'd told him. I asked him why he was so calm, I had a crush on his boyfriend. Fawkes said that he and Manel had been working on their relationship for the last six months and he knew for sure that Manel would never throw it all away for some kid with a hopeless crush who lived in another district. I was a bit insulted that Fawkes called me a kid. He's only a year or so older than me. But I was also relieved that he wasn't angry at me and wasn't going to enact some terrible revenge.
At that point, I was crying a little so Fawkes reassured me that I was going to be okay and that he wasn't going to tell anyone my secret, not even Manel. He told me he used to get unrequited crushes all the time and he knew how much it hurt, but he also said that my crush on Manel wasn't completely pointless, even though I was never going to be with him. He told me I could learn something from it, something I could use in future relationships.
I'm not sure what I learned today, that I'm… gay? Is that how it works? I know I've had a crush on one guy. Is that enough information to base my entire identity on? Am I just supposed to know now? If I come out as gay and then get a crush on a girl and then come out again as bisexual, will I be judged for it?
I think there will always be someone to judge me. Maybe if I were a regular guy, I wouldn't have anything to fear. Five is one of the more accepting Districts in Panem. We were the third to legalise gay marriage after the Capitol and Three. I'd just be able to quietly come out to my friends and family and that would be fine.
But I'm famous.
I've already decided that it's too risky to have a relationship. I don't want the entire country obsessing over my love life so I think it's best to just… not have a love life. That's not going to change if I'm gay. I guess I should just carry on being single.
If I learn something, but I don't change anything about my life, does that make what I've leaned completely pointless?
I splashed some water on my face to wash away my tears. Fawkes checked his makeup in the mirror. He said if anyone asks why we took so long to get back, I should say it was because he was redoing his eyeliner.
I didn't expect Fawkes to be so nice to me. I thought that nice-guy act from his interviews was… just an act. He did some pretty ruthless things in the arena. In both his games - he's pretty consistent - he used psychological warfare on his opponents. Maybe he's just as good at building people up as he is at breaking them down.
We returned to the dining room, just in time for dessert. I tried not to look at Manel so much. Every time I did, Fawkes was holding his hand. They looked so happy together. It just gave me another reason to be jealous of Fawkes. He might not be the saviour of Panem everyone claims he is but he's a smart guy. He's only a year older than me and he already has everything figured out. He knows who he is and he's comfortable with everyone else knowing as well. He's got this perfect, stable relationship with a perfect guy and he seems to know exactly how to make his boyfriend happy. I still haven't even figured out what my favourite sport is. I don't even know where to start.
Maybe Fawkes is just really mature. Or I'm really immature. Maybe that's why he sees me as just some kid. I always thought I was really mature. When I was young, adults would always say I was so mature for my age because I was always polite and I followed the rules. But, recently, Favonia has started calling me immature, even though I'm two years older than her. She says she's more mature than me because she goes out with her friends and dates people whereas I'm a loser with no friends. Is that true? I've just been trying to follow the rules. Does that make me immature?
After Fawkes and the other victors from Ten left, I started thinking about what I could do to feel more mature and less lonely. I guess the first step is to come out to someone. I'll probably start with my parents. I think they'll be able to help. They've always made an effort to stay out of the spotlight and maintain some privacy. The problem is, I have no idea what I'm going to say to them. I can't say I got a crush on Manel Lobos when he came to District 5 on his boyfriend's victory tour. That's so EMBARRASSING! They'll think I'm dumb for getting a crush on a guy who was obviously already taken. Maybe I'll just wait until I get my second crush and I'm a bit more sure of myself. It took me eighteen years to get my first crush. Hopefully it won't take me another eighteen years to get my second. I don't think that's how it works. That's not how it works, right?
Help. I think I'm immature.
Yours faithfully,
Gus
P.S. Lopez still thinks the steak is 'adequate'.
I just wanna start this author's note by saying I had SO MUCH FUN writing this prologue! Oh, how I've missed writing! It's good to be back.
Anyway, meet Guston Starkwain (or Gus for short). He's going to be our main character this story. I struggled a bit getting into his head at first. I guess it's because this is my first attempt in three years to come up with a brand new main character. Normally, I just recycle one of the usual suspects from The Bride And The Widow. Not this time!
I actually wasn't originally planning to write this prologue. I was just going to start with the reaping chapter. But when I came up with the idea of Gus writing in his diary about meeting victors who come to District 5 on their victory tours and I thought it'd be a good way to set up his backstory and all the characters in his family. There are a lot of them, some of whom are brand new, some of whom, you may recognise from my past stories. It was also fun for me to take Gus on a journey from an incredibly unhinged young boy (I think that last line of the Lumas section is one of the scariest lines I've ever written) to an insecure young man struggling to figure out his identity while in the public eye. I think it gave me a better sense of his character.
Also, if you've read Star-Crossed, you'll know that the last diary entry is set about two thirds of the way through, which means I was able to get some of the exposition from Star-Crossed out of the way this chapter and I won't end up doing it all in the reaping chapter. Also, also, if you've read Star-Crossed, you'll know what happens to Fawkes and Co. two days after Gus wrote that diary entry. (Spoilers for Star-Crossed: they all eat some steak that Lopez does not deem adequate. RIP Lopez)