„I'm determined to go, no matter what you say!"
John Smith looked at his son in disbelief. He had come to this world to see him again, at least once and now found himself confronted with his greatest fear again: the fear to lose him. Again.
„No, you don't!" he said, his voice thick with rage.
„You can't stop me!" Thomas clenched his fists angrily.
Both faced each other as if they were going to fight physically, the tension almost touchable.
Two women, one in her 40ies, the other about Thomas age, who came down the street chatting, stopped dead in their tracks seeing the confrontation.
„Oh no", the younger one exclaimed, „not AGAIN!"
„What is this about, Vicky?" the other asked calmly.
„Thomas wants to serve in Vietnam, John is against it. They are on it for over two weeks now and it seems that is getting worse. Oh, I hate it when they are like that! Can you do something, aunt Alex? You've been at war, too, right? Can you please tell Thomas to stay, please?" Vicky pleaded, tears in her eyes.
Alex took a deep breath. „I see to it", she said and started to walk.
„He'll kill me for this", she mumbled under her breath, „but I'd rather die than let him fuck up again. Not this time, not this world!"
Private Alexandra Victoria Taylor quickened her pace, her heart pounding hard in her chest, trying to hide her fear. She knew John Smith. Better than anyone else in THIS world. She had seen him doing things no one here ever would imagine. She would pay for interfering, for sure, but that had to be set aside. She had only this weekend, one chance to do what had to be done. She couldn't afford to miss it.
„Good morning", she said, stepping between the two men with a friendly, but somehow submissive, smile, „John, Thomas…"
John froze immediately, his eyes widening. Even without her uniform, he recognized Alexandra at once as the nurse who stitched him up after the assault in the alley. He still hadn't been able to forget a single thing that happened that day. Even if she was dressed and behaved like someone born here, her body language betrayed her military background. The was the "original", not a copy from this world.
‚What the hell...', he thought, starring at the small, slender women, ,what is SHE doing here? And how did she… is she a traveller or sent…and what does this mean for me? For my family? I'm not supposed to be here. Maybe she doesn't know yet…"
His mind racing, he wasn't able to follow the conversation spun between Alexandra and his son. When he came back to his scenes, he heard her say: „…this was war to me, Thomas. I still wake up, hearing the screams and whenever I hear steal break, I want to curl up into a ball, cover my ears and cry. It's your decision, but I hope you are wiser than an unwanted 17 year old girl, running from home, pretending to be older to serve as a nurse in a World War."
„Did you quit after that?" Thomas asked, visibly shocked.
„No. I did the whole thing. But the first cut is always the deepest – after that it's more or less playing on repeat. You get used to it, strange as it seems. You hardly have time to think, you just DO…" She broke off, trying to regain her composure, to fight back tears.
„But why didn't my father explain it like that? Why is he so forbidding, so matter-of–fact?"
„For him, it must have been even worse, Thomas. As a nurse, I was fixed on the aftermath, but John…he was in charge. It is a thin line between becoming a hero or getting everyone killed on the battlefield. Remembering this and hearing you want to serve…must have been a full-blown flashback. And, believe me, nobody wants to go back there. Promise me to at least think about what I told you, okay?"
Thomas nodded. „Thank you for telling me, Alex."
„Nevermind. So – I brought Vicky and I'm pretty sure she is already angry with me for keeping you so long."
They both laughed.
John was taken aback. How could she know his family so well, how could she be so familiar with the setting while he still felt like a fish on dry land?
Meanwhile his son reached a young woman standing on the sidewalk. Seeing them hug and kiss hit John like a hammer planted right on his forehead. He realized that he never thought of Thomas as a man but ever as the boy he was back on that day, when…
It was Alexandra's voice that brought him back to reality.
„Ahh, young love…", she smiled.
John turned, fast as a snake, gripping her arm right above the glove she wore, not caring that he gave himself away with it. The moment their bare skin touched; he felt a tickling sensation like electricity running through his body.
He shook his head to clear it. This was getting worse every second and he had no idea how to stop it. John dropped his gaze to meet the Alexandra's, while he strengthened his grip.
She didn't even flinch, her blue eyes locked to his green.
„What are you doing here? "John hissed, „why did you come?"
„Right now? I try to safe Thomas from going to war and leaving my...niece…heartbroken and widowed before she even got married. "
„I'm pretty sure that I'm capable of handling this situation on my own, thank you! "
„Yeah, that was just the impression you gave me", Alexandra scoffed, „wake up, John Smith, get real! Are you able to be true this one time? To tell your son how much you love him and that the mere thought of having to bury him kills you inside? Are you able to treat him as an adult? Can you do this, Reichsmarschall? For this is what has to be done!"
He starred at her, unable to answer.
Alexandra shrugged. „Thought so. And now let go of me! You are NOT Reichsmarschall here, you have no power over me. Back home, you can do whatever you like, but for now stay in your role, for God's sake and let go!"
She freed her arm with a hard pull and turned towards the door.
„Helen!" she said with a broad smile on her face.
The afternoon past slowly as John watched the two women, chatting, preparing everything for the evening. A baseball game was on TV and it seemed to be a habit here to watch it with friends. Would be no problem, but one friend Helen mentioned was Danny. Danny. The comrade, the brother he betrayed and got killed. Nothing in the reports had prepared him for this and he was not sure how to handle, how to even face this.
Alexandra watched her boss closely. She didn't know what was going on, because unlike most people she never took part in the gossips, rumours and invidiousness swarming around the HQ, but she sensed his anxiety, his fear.
‚Like a wounded animal', she thought, ‚not sure whether to attack or to flee. What did they do to you John Smith? What did they make you do this time?'
With the young couple returning, the activity increased, and John managed to sneak out for a cigarette. As expected, Alexandra followed him a moment later.
„Do you have one for me?" she asked, „I know I shouldn't, according to the rules, but some habits a hard to quit forever."
„I know", he said and she recognised the special tone he used for interrogations back home.
‚Okay, here we go.' Alexandra suppressed a bitter laugh. ‚But you won't find me unprepared. I listened to you quite too often to be caught off guard, Reichsmarschall Smith.'
She lit the cigarette he gave her, inhaled deeply and, turning away from the Reichsmarschall, rested her elbows on the railing around the veranda.
„You seem to fit in here very well, Private Taylor."
Gosh, he sounded like a purring cat – right before it draws it's claws into its prey. Alexandra hated all about his games. This was not his arrest cell in the HQ's basement, damn it.
„Sure I do", she answered boldly, straight to the point, „I've been here a couple of times during the last 14 years. I would have come more often but I had to be careful not to get caught – neither by the Reich nor by Price and his pathetic little rebellion."
„So you know Price?" She was sure that John had arched an eyebrow, sticking to his usual protocol. As if he hadn't read Wyatt's background checks in the reports and was really surprised. As if she was stupid.
„Of course, I do. We were friends back in the old times and checked on each other for a while after the fall. But that was before he switched his hobbies from slowly drinking himself to death to plotting to kill you because he wanted to impress his new crush." Alexandra took another deep drag from her cigarette, let out the smoke in a long exhale, sighed an turned to him. Her tone was quiet, but sharp as a razorblade.
„Listen, Sir, I know I'm as good as dead for being here, let alone meeting you. I nursed your victims long enough for you to play with, so I'm pretty sure that tomorrow evening there will be not much left of me. I'm not afraid of death, I always knew the risk. The only thing I regret is that I will never see Vicky walking down the aisle, finding her happiness with the man she loves so deeply. But I'm determined to give everything and more to make this happen, so don't you dare to mess up and let Thomas die on a battlefield because you're too much a coward to face you own feelings. I covered up for you so far and will do so until you leave, so whatever disaster is coming up tonight, I'm going to have your back, like it or not. If I need to know something to fulfil my task, tell me now."
John starred at her, speechless. Nobody had ever dared to talk to him like this, to confront him like this, not even Helen.
Alexandra held his gaze, unblinking, not shying away from the growing rage, the promise of violence below the icy surface of his eyes.
„I know well that you are here for the same purpose as I'm: to get a glimpse on what we lost, a small window to what could have been. In this world, my daughter lived and I died. Vicky has a good life here in a good family, but when she desperately called out for her mother, she reached me, no matter that we were worlds apart. And I came. Fate gave me a second chance and I took it. This time, I saved her. The moment she looked at me and said: "Mommy?" was the best moment of my fucked-up life. Today, you get your second chance. Please take it. For Thomas and for you. I'll assist you in every possible way, but please, don't let it pass."
Her voice was softer now, almost pleading, her eyes still hadn't left his. And somehow, she reached him.
Her last words pierced his already heavily damaged armour like an arrow, hitting him hard.
John never thought of this as a chance to compensate for his failures, imaginary or real. All he wanted was to hold his son again, to smooth the pieces of his fractured heart. He longed for normality, peace, family life – and maybe some strength for fighting the next round in his personal hell.
While he thought about Alexandra's words, she switched back to being Vicky's "aunt" again, all smiles and friendliness. No sign of the tough, focused woman he saw just a moment ago.
John decided to give in, at least for now. He needed help to face the evening, for sure and she was the only one he could ask. Alexandra was right – they could deal with the consequences later.
„Private Taylor?"
„Alex, Sir, don't forget, we knew each other well here and you always called me Alex or, if you mocked me, Vicky's guardian angel."
"We knew each other well? So, you liked my…hmmm…other self?"
Aleandra smiled. "Oh yes. We would have been friends if I could have been more truthful. He sensed my half-truths as good as you would, so there was always a fine line not to be touched. You two were so much alike, yet so different... Sometimes it was like having a double vision, like wearing varifocals. He once told me he quit the army because he was too good in what he did there. No offence, but for a second, I was thankful that he never found out what he was really capable of."
John bit his lower lip. For a second, Alexandra could see his exhaustion and weariness, before his expression went blank.
"I didn't ask for any of it either, Private."
"Alex. Me neither, Sir."
„Alex. Sorry, I fear I'm not very good actor…"
‚Oh, you are a very good actor, John Smith. That's something I learned over here. You are just not good in being yourself lately.'
She smiled, hoping that he couldn't read her thoughts right of her face. His wonderful green eyes had always been far too piercing, on both sides of the portal.
"Seems like we have to talk. Better we get out of earshot", she suggested.
He nodded. "Seems so", he said, still wondering if it was safe to trust her with secrets, buried so deep that they only showed up to hunt him in his worst nightmares.
John desperately tried to focus despite of his growing anxiety as he followed Alexandra down the street to a park, where she placed herself on a bench overlooking a small lake. All peaceful and sunny, almost surreal.
'Too much…too much of everything. Overwhelming. Uncontrollable. Chaotic.'
"Free." It took him a moment to realize that Alexandra was reacting to his mumbled thoughts."The word you are looking for is FREE. This is freedom, Sir. It is not meant to be controlled. Have you already forgotten how it was back in the days? Before THEM?"
"Of course not. But it didn't work well, did it?"
"How do I know? I was raised by some bible fanatic bigots who believed that the earth is flat. I guess they never cherished the fact that were allowed to fancy all this bullshit 'til the German invasion."
She leaned back, turned her face towards the sun and closed her eyes.
"But whether this freedom thing works or not, people here are very proud to have it. They defended it against the Nazis, against Japan, somewhere in Korea and now in Vietnam. That's what you didn't get in your discussion with Thomas: People are willing to fight and die for this. Land of the free, home of the brave. This is the essence of what you call America over here."
Aleandra sat up straight again, looking over to him. "Like it was at home once. God, it sounds like a fairytale: "Once upon a time in North America…."
'A fairytale…this feels more like "Alice in Wonderland" right now ', mused John, 'with Priv – Alex – as the Cheshire Cat…she is as bold, teasing and cryptical. And arrogant. Don't forget arrogant."
But nonetheless he felt her words sinking in, touching something nearly forgotten, making it stir in its sleep.
'Better not to go deeper into that matter. The ice is too thin.'
"Your people believed that the earth is flat? Really?" he asked instead with a rarely seen half smile as he sat down next to her.
'Back in the office, that would have been the discussion topic number one of the day and the accountant girls would sit in awe…'
Not for the first time Alexandra wondered if John ever noticed the effect he had on women.
"Really. That's why I fit in so perfectly back home. I lived under someone's thump since my first breath."
"But you are here despite of that, talking treacherous", John observed, "so I can't say that you are obedient, can I?"
"That's not what I said. I said that I fit in. You can't deny that I'm a traveller right under everybody's noses without getting caught for about 14 years now and if not for the portal and your visit, the game would still be on – all because nobody ever remembers me as long as I fulfil my duty. Flying below the radar system." She shrugged. "Being obedient is not my strength, but I'm a good enough pretender to be left alone. A trick I learned by being a rebellious teenager in an environment of total control."
"Maybe you could teach this to my daughter", said John without thinking and made Alexandra laugh by his almost comical expression when he realized what he had revealed.
"Maybe. If you want me to, I'll try. Are they after her, John?" She knew that she crossed a line with this question. He didn't seem to notice.
"I don't know. Not yet, I hope, but…" He was entirely a worried father now, no sign of the conscienceless bastard everybody feared.
She felt his tension and smiled reassuringly, yet a little sad. "Don't think about it now, John. I don't do it either. Tomorrow is far away. Tomorrow, we'll deal with that. Today I feel the sun on my skin, the wind in my hair. The smell of summer. Today, THIS is real. And this is what counts."
Once again, she left him speechless.
"In a world as unpredictable, dangerous, and brutal like ours, I learned to live the moment and to take what comes. I deal with things when it's their time. But not a second earlier. So, for now, I need to know what to deal with tonight."
John swallowed hard. Often, he had wished to talk to somebody and now that he had the opportunity to use this annoying, deposable woman without being spied upon, he didn't even know where to begin. His stomach turned into a hard knot and for a moment it took everything he had to keep his lunch down.
He couldn't trust her, he couldn't, but he wanted, needed it so badly…
The expression on John's face was taletelling, the fight between his head and his heart written all over it. Though Alexandra had worked near him for so long now, she had never seen him unmasked. ‚This is going to be tough', she thought, wrapped herself by taking a deep breath, before she took his hand.
The moment they touched, the connection was there, even stronger than before, older than time and space, reliable as the sunrise. 'Come on, fate, do your best…repair yourself…'
„Just tell me, John, even if you don't trust me", she whispered, knowing she was pushing him over the edge „whatever it is, I can handle it. I've done a lot of questionable things myself so…tell me. You've got nothing to lose."
„I betrayed him…I betrayed everyone wo ever trusted me…" The words came in a rush and once he had started, John couldn't stop. Danny, Joe, Robert, Juliana, Thomas, Helen, the whole story of friendship, love and betrayal, his constant battle, the Reich, Hoover, Himmler and how much he hated them all and most of all himself, all the things he did poured from his lips, a flood of darkness without the slightest light of hope.
At the end silent tears started running down his cheeks like blood from the wounds on his tourn, tormented soul.
Alexendra listened with horror and understanding. She lived long enough in the Reich to take it for what it was: a snake pit, a merciless, cruel, hopeless place where everything good was doomed to die. There was nothing she could say or do to ease the pain it inflicts.
Therefore, she sat next to John in silence, his hand in both of hers, knowing that he must spit out everything to get a chance to break free of the cage of threat and fear they kept him in. To find himself again. To help her and the others save the world they both were damned to live in.
After he finished, she simply pulled him close and let him sob against her shoulder, his arms round her waist, clinging to her like she was a life ring to safe him from drowning.
„It is never enough", he moaned, „whatever I do, whatever I give, it is never enough…"
„Schschsch…", she said, stroking his back to comfort him, „schschsch…"
It took John a while to calm down. A part of him was embarrassed by the fact that he, a married man, leader of a nation, had had a complete breakdown in the arms of a woman he barely knew, but mostly he felt safe in her embrace, at home, much better than he had in years. Her strength radiated into him like Helen's did before the circumstances turned her to ice, but hers was rawer, somehow wilder, closer to his own. „Untamed" was the word which came to his mind.
Whatever she had had to face, it hadn't broken her. She was untamed.
Slowly regaining his composure, he straightened himself. "Sorry, I didn't mean to…"
Alexandra lifted his chin up to meet her eyes. The understanding he found there made him gasp.
"It's okay, John, no need to justify. Sometimes we all need someone to sit with us on the dark side of the moon when it's full dark, no stars. And today, that's my place."
He looked at her thoughtfully, still feeling drawn to her. "Thank you for sitting beside me, Priv...Alex."
'And thank you for so much more. Thank you for listening, for not judging me, for sharing your strength, for holding me, after all you saw down in those cells...'
Of course, he couldn't say that. Back home, he had a wife, and he was faithful, whether she loves him or not. But nevertheless, he was reluctant to draw his hand of hers and break the contact.
"Nevermind. Hope it helped. Before we head back, here is something for you to hold on to: According to Vicky's history book most of the Nazi leaders here committed suicide after they lost the war. The were cowards, no able to face the consequences of it all. Never forget that. It puts some things in a completely different perspective… "
"Himmler?"
„Potassium cyanide. A capsule. Just after they caught him fleeing and hiding. He didn't even get a gravestone."John shook his head in disbelief. "Maybe I should get and read that book myself."
Alexandra smiled. "Maybe. Ask Thomas, it's a schoolbook he used a well." A quick look at her watch. "The game is on soon, so let's make you a little more presentable to spare us explanations."
John appreciated her try to change the subject, even if he was still unsure about the upcoming event.
"And how are you planning to do this?"
She winked.
"I'm a woman. We can do miracles… Don't worry. We are in this together and I'll have your back, I promise."
She had his back. She guided him through this painful evening, stayed the course like a mate, steering his ship through the storm as he himself never could. If she had been a man, he would have referred to her as a natural born leader.
And a hell of a manipulator. He knew she played him, getting the upper hand when he was off guard, overwhelmed and confused, using her kindness, sheer willpower and…some… thing… to push him over, but to his surprise, he wasn't angry. He was curious.
Was she really willing to sacrifice herself only for her daughter's happiness? Possible, but not likely. As a traveller, she could have avoided the encounter easily, so there must be more than what meets the eye. He couldn't wait to find out…
After watching the game, they sat together for a talk. Helen turned on the radio, music flooded the room. It was like in the old times, a cozy scene with family and friends having fun together. John felt more than ever like an intruder, knowing he would never be accepted if they knew who he really was. Not after the Reich.
Just as he wanted to excuse himself, a new song popped up and Vicky's happy smile stopped him.
"Please, can I turn louder? I love this…"
"Sure, why not?" he said irritated. Vicky turned to the radio, then to Thomas: "Shall we…?"
Thomas shook his head in disbelief, got up and wrapped her in a dancing position. "My crazy girl…"
He kissed her on her cheek, while a warm, male voice filled the air:
Girl, you′ll be a woman soon
Love you so much, can't count all the ways
I′d die for you, girl, and all they can say is
"He's not your kind"
They never get tired of puttin' me down
And I never know when I come around
What I′m gonna find
Don′t let them make up your mind
Don't you know
Girl, you′ll be a woman soon
Please come take my hand
Girl, you'll be a woman soon
Soon you′ll need a man…
Seeing them dancing, the love in their eyes, the way his son stole a kiss whenever he pulled Vicky near, earning giggles and a sweet blush, shot a fresh stab of pain through John's heart.
Oh, how much he wanted Helen – HIS Helen – to see this. How much he wanted them all together again…
His vision blurred as he tried to fight back tears. It was too much… He instinctively searched the room for Alexandra and found her standing in the kitchen doorway, perfectly still, solid like a statue carved from marble, her eyes fixed on the kids. Only a small, wet trace through her make – up betrayed her feelings.
Baby, I've done all I could
It's up to you… (Neil Diamond, "Girl, you be a woman soon", single release March 1967 from the album "Just for you")
Vicky sang this line along, making no secret of that it wasn't just about the song but about everything they had discussed.
The only thing I regret is that I will never see Vicky walking down the aisle… I'm determined to give everything and more… don't you dare to mess up…
He wouldn't.
After everyone left John took Thomas aside, apologized and they talked. For the first – and last – time, they had a man-to-man conversation and though it hurt, it felt like drawing a line, a conclusion to this part of his life. He had done everything he could. He had to let his son go.
That night, he laid with Helen - or her pendant in this world - for the last time, too. Somehow confessing to Private Taylor made him understand that he had no right to cage his wife. He had done enough to her and to himself. If she wants it over, so be it. At least, she and the girls would be safe in the Neutral Zone until he discovered a way to smuggle them out of North America.
The next day came up, all normal, all family business.
Alexandra wanted to scream. Her mission started to take its toll. She was used to share her strength, the prisoners needed it badly enough, but taking care of John last night had been a completely different story. Never she had touched a man's soul so strong, yet so broken. Without hesitation he took all she had to offer with an almost raptor survival instinct that left her empty.
If this was what Helen fled from, she had her deepest sympathy. Luckily, it would be over soon.
She sighed and got herself ready to see her daughter for the last time.
Alexandra met John in the early afternoon, covering up for him again by offering him a reason to leave for work on a Sunday.
Kissing their goodbyes was one of the hardest things she ever had to face. By the time she climbed into the car, her hands were shaking, but she tried to joke and smile like she usually did.
When they hit the road, she starred into the rear-view mirror until the small figures disappeared behind a curve.
"Goodbye Vicky…goodbye my beautiful baby girl…. we'll meet again beyond the rainbow…" John heard her whisper before she buried her face in her hands and cried.
He sensed that it was his time now to tear down her masquerade, but for the first time in 20 years he felt reluctant to do so. She was too close to him already and hearing her undoubtedly heartbreaking story would only worsen the problem.
He had to get her out of his system. Soon. There was too much at stake for him.
They drove in silence until they reached the road to the portal and John stopped.
"I think you better leave now, so you won't be caught by the guardians."
Alexandra looked up, her face red and swollen, her eyes bloodshot, but her voice steady.
"Right. I must leave – no matter how much I want to stay, I must put on my uniform and be an army nurse again. See you on the other side, Reichsmarschall."
She sent him the saddest smile he ever saw, saluted the old way, left the car, and walked for the woods.
"Private Taylor?" She turned. "Hm?" "As a traveller, why don't you flee?"
Alexandra laughed bitterly. "Where to? The world beyond the portal is my home. I was born there, and I will die there. Because I BELONG there. My fate is in bond to it. Like yours."
With this, she disappeared between the trees. John watched her thoughtful. This woman was full of surprises. Judging from countless interrogations, she never lied. But he was sure that she kept the purpose of it all to herself.
Reaching her hiding place, Alexandra quickly changed from "All American woman" to what she called "Heil, yes Sir, whatever – nobody". It was not only a change of clothes, but she also had to adjust her complete mindset, which was always the most difficult part of travelling.
The Reichsmarschall didn't manage it, as she had assumed. That's why she confronted him here, planted the seeds while he was completely lost. She might be a guardian, but never an angel…that was entirely Julianas part.
Alexandra touched the little American flag pinned on her bra over her heart.
"I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."
When the earthquake from the portal started, she closed her eyes and jumped.