...
-Year: 12.3, Age: 8.3-
Today was a day of delegation!
It was officially speaking, the day Tsunade was born, even if I had a nagging feeling it was the completely wrong month for it, canonically speaking-
Oh, what's that? Do you think I got it wrong?
It's meant to be a day of celebration?
Of course not.
Even ignoring the fact the timeline was relatively scarred- Pretty sure Tsunade wasn't supposed to be born this early into Konoha's founding- There was the simple matter of her having an early birth.
I'd originally found out about a month past, give or take, the... Uhm.
My age could be classified in the centuries and yet the word sex still gave me a funny feeling.
Maybe it was the fact I never actually freakin' grew up? Food for thought.
Where was I?
Right, a month or so had passed since I had originally found out, thanks to a certain enthusiastic idiot who happened to share Hashirama's d.n.a unable to keep his confused mouth shut- Gods, there was a kid in the compound, learn some manners!
Sure, no one had known I was there but potayto potahto.
Regardless, my quest to find Tobirama's stash of secret, soon to be forbidden, jutsu had been derailed by the fact that I'd somehow fucked up the timeline without even trying. Which was a new one, even by my standards.
At any rate, since that day, it'd only been seven months which made Tsunade an eight-month baby.
I wasn't exactly worried about her safety, on account of her grandfather having access to the best fucking supplies in the country- But this gave me a pretty good opportunity to try and help out everyone else that might not have that blessing.
There was no better way to steamroll through a medic's firmly cemented ignorance than having a perfectionist of an uncle breathing down their neck.
And hey, even if he doesn't take my word for it, at the very least he'll test it out of sheer curiosity.
Which was I, while everyone else was busy celebrating down there in the village, was sneaking up on a Tobirama standing guard on top of the Kage Mountain, the man no doubt currently detailing how much space his big ass forehead would eventually take up next to his brother.
Of course, given I wanted to surprise him when he inevitably tried to pull up a bell test on me, I was thoroughly doused in a transformation jutsu- Which by the way scaled with one's chakra control, meaning mine was downright physically different as opposed to just been an illusion.
It was quite freeing to have my old regular adult-sized body back, I gotta admit.
When I was close enough, I calmly lowered the Observation Haki swirling around me to nothing- And immediately ducked the swing of Tobirama's sword.
The man didn't waste a fucking beat.
"Whoa calm down-" I shifted to the side with a yelp, dodging the sudden wind slice that swept through- "Peace, motherfucker, peace-" I dropped to the floor with another yelp as a fucking fireball materialized out of thin air, and almost scorched me.
When the other man stopped his attack for a moment, I let out a sigh- And immediately flash-stepped out of the sudden water bomb that materialized and exploded right where I'd been, my body reappearing directly behind the man on instinct and stopping said instincts from executing the sod, before taking hold of my thoughts and flash-stepping a few feet away.
At the sudden show, Tobirama stopped his attack entirely as he twisted on the spot and got into a guarded stance with his eyes narrowed.
Carefully, as if I was dealing with a rampant wild ass bird, I raised both hands up in a placating gesture.
"Peace..." I huffed out. "I come in peace motherfucker, goddamn!"
He didn't bat a fucking eyelash at me-
I twitched at the sudden chakra build up behind me, and when the sword materialized inches behind my head, the clone rapidly coming to my senses, I let out a sigh and grabbed the blade by the, well, blade's end, and popped the clone with a fist.
"Seriously dude?" I deadpanned, before idly throwing the blade toward his feet-
The man fucking used a replacement jutsu at the action.
I held the bridge of my nose, walked up towards the blade, picked it up and turned towards a nearby pebble, and pointed said blade at it.
"I know you're there." I deadpanned and wiggled the blade before calmly placing it in front of the pebble.
After nothing happened for a few moments, I threw a small bit of chakra at Tobirama's earlier location, the replaced body popping into a cloud of smoke as a pebble appeared in its place and the real one appeared in front of me.
His eyes were still narrowed, but at least he stopped attacking- At least until he calmly picked up the blade and made to swipe at my head-
I caught it that time with a raised eyebrow.
"Seriously, man." I deadpanned. "Peace." I let go of the blade and took a few steps back, my hands in full view.
After a few moments of just locking eyes with each other, he slowly sheathed the blade.
"Who are you?" Those were his first words to me, after the fifty different fucking attempts to kill me.
I let out a sigh and just scratched my head.
"Someone who's really starting to regret this," I deadpanned. "Honestly, I am starting to think I should've just gone to the Hokage instead."
"Is that a threat?" He questioned immediately in response.
I blinked at him.
"Man... You paranoid as shit, ain't ya?" I rolled my eyes at him and turned towards the village. "Nah man, ain't no threat, just trying to help..."
I ignored the sudden building up of chakra behind me.
With a sigh, I just held the bridge of my nose.
"Look dude-" I ducked the sudden water bullet. "I am not an expert," I shifted to the side of the lighting strike. "But I am pretty sure-" I flash-stepped out of the way of the Earth Dragon Bomb "The Hokage wouldn't approve."
Those words, thankfully, stopped him from launching the fireball jutsu he had built up.
Yeesh, how much chakra did this fucker have?
"Approve of what?" Tobirama questioned as I turned to face his position- The man hadn't moved a step.
"Killing someone on his grandaughter's birthday."
For some odd reason, the word birthday really set him off as I watched him use that Minato's yellow ass bullshit to appear right behind me to take another swing at my head.
He missed, of course.
Only this time the blade broke against my head.
I gave him a deadpan look as I watched him teleport his ass a few steps away, the man's gaze switching between me and the broken blade in utter confusion.
"Look at that, you broke your shiny sword." I deadpanned. "I ain't paying for a new one."
He ignored my words and settled for...
Huh.
He was really confused- The man was currently studying every side of the blade for some reason...
"That would've cut my brother's head off." The man remarked cautiously. "It's cut-through armor capable of standing up to a Tailed Beast." He added on warily. "Who are you?"
I just let out another sigh and very slowly reached into my pocket- Tobirama's gaze following it as he took another step back.
Taking out a large piece of paper, the words Baby-helper written in clear and bold writing, I slowly stretched it out and showed it to him.
It was a design for an incubator, with the exact seals needed to make sure it functioned properly.
"Someone trying to help the early birth royal baby." Were the wrong words to say apparently.
When Tobirama, hints of sheer utter resolve, prepared to actually fight me seriously, I just let out another long sigh and calmly said-
"Oh will you fucking chill for a second, you overgrown, hyper-aggressive, paranoid fuckwit of a man-child!" I wiggled the piece of paper as I watched an utterly stone-faced expression fill his face. "Look, use it, don't use it, research it, don't- I don't fucking give a shit anymore, goddamn!" A single beat passed, and for a moment the man's head just tilted at me before he actually took a look at the paper I still held up with my right hand.
"What is that?" He questioned calmly, the expression on his face for some reason irritating the shit out of me. "And how do you know about my grand-niece?"
...I was starting to think the man was socially inept.
"Does it matter?" I questioned.
He looked at me like I was stupid.
"Look I... It doesn't matter." I sighed. "Just, do what you want I guess. Even if you don't use it, I am sure the brat will turn out fine, but eh..." I shrugged. "Figured it might help out people that aren't born with Senju batteries, ya know?"
I watched as his stance softened up the slightest bit, though his eyes kept appraising me pointedly- As if he expected the shoe to drop or something.
I just rolled up the paper and threw it towards him.
He didn't catch it, but somehow it fell onto the floor directly in front of him.
His gaze never budged from me-
I held in the urge to twitch as I watched him use a wind jutsu to levitate it into his pocket, his gaze never leaving mine.
"Is that all?" He questioned calmly.
"...Yes?" A beat passed. "I mean unless you wanna talk about your racism?"
He blinked at that. "My what?"
"You know," I shrugged. "Your distrust of everything not Senju."
He narrowed his eyes again.
But he didn't attack me for it!
I'll consider that a win.
"Hm." A beat passed as I watched him relax his stance a bit more. "Did my brother send you?"
I snorted at that.
"Yeah... I am pretty sure your brother gave up on fixing you a long time ago."
"He hasn't." Was Tobirama's immediate response.
I rolled my eyes at that. "He's doing a swell job."
Tobirama's gaze shifted to the side for a very fleeting moment, before landing back on me.
Guess the cavalry's here.
"Well, a little piece of advice for your number one bit of Dojutsu paranoia-" Something flashed across his eyes at that- "The eyes you're worried about, only really grow in someone who really gives a shit about their home. So count it as a win when it happens!"
I grinned at him.
"The ones that can't seem to grow it, even when the conditions align for 'em? That's the one I'd worry about!"
I promptly clapped my hands and watched the sheer utter irritation fill the man's face as I literally disappeared from his sight, just as his backup showed up to try and catch me.
...
According to the rumor mill, there was currently a manhunt going on for a dangerous individual.
Lol.
Naturally, in light of that, I'd elected to modify my weekly comic into a run-of-the-mill villain for the week.
I'd introduced an actually original supervillain for once!
The Baby Helper! A doctor with the superpower of putting families in lifetime medical debt.
Spoiler alert, it ends with Superman realizing the real villain was around us all along.
He still punches the baby helper through a building of course, but hey one step at a time.
"Danzo!" Hiruzen called out as he jogged up to me on our daily routine, though, unlike his usual cheery self, he had a worried expression on his face. "You hear the news?" He questioned, after taking a breather.
"News?"
"Yeah!" The boy nodded rapidly. "Apparently someone attacked Tobirama-sama during the celebration a couple days ago!"
"Oh." I feigned surprise. "Oh yeah, that was me."
He kept on nodding, the vigilant expression however rapidly cracked the moment he processed my words and promptly stopped on his feet. "Wait what?"
"It was me." A beat passed. "I didn't attack him though, he attacked me."
The sheer confusion on his face was actually quite adorable. "What?"
"We're gonna be late," I deadpanned after a moment and sped up toward the academy.
"Wait, what?"
"It was me. I am the irritable stranger that trolled him- He attacked me for it. Now come on Hiruru," I rolled my eyes and started dragging him.
"But-" He promptly shrugged off my hand, though at least he didn't stop moving. "What? Why? How? What?"
"...If you say what one more time, I am turning myself in."
His expression twisted into even more confusion at my threat.
"...Okay." He eventually settled on. "Okay, sure, yeah, why not." A beat passed. "You got away from Tobirama and his squad of elites. Yup. Okay." Another beat passed. "Wow." He turned a pointed look in my direction. "You're not pulling my leg are you?"
"Nope."
He nodded. "Huh."
"Got it out of your system?"
"You didn't have to tell me it was you in the first place..." He sighed. "Now what am I gonna do when they bring me into T&I?"
I snorted at that. "Yeah, right, who's gonna believe you?"
He frowned at me.
"Like just picture the news for a second- Eight year old breaks Tobirama Senju's prized blade and gets away with it."
He stopped on his feet again.
"I thought you said you didn't attack him?"
"I didn't."
"Then how did..." He tilted his head, opened his mouth again, and promptly found my hand covering it.
"If you say what, one more time, I am blaming you for it." I removed my hand from his, still adorably confused face.
"Okay..." He sighed again. "But, I mean who'd believe you?"
"The literal Hokage." I deadpanned.
"...Fair enough." A beat passed. "Aren't you worried about someone overhearing us?" He questioned in a quieter tone.
"Please, I put up a genjutsu around us as soon as you showed up."
He blinked again, rather more owlishly. "But... I didn't even see you... Use a handsign..." He frowned again. "You're pulling my leg that time right?"
"Cancel it." I deadpanned.
After a moment of hesitation, he did just that and freaked out the civilians we appeared in front of.
For some reason that put him into a dazed expression.
"Wow..." He remarked, a somewhat lost expression on his face. "Man, you really are bullshit aren't you?"
I grinned at him. "Told ya," A beat passed. "You read the comic I gave you yesterday?"
He nodded warily.
"The baby thing right?" I nodded, gleefully. "Found it kinda weird, to be honest- Didn't really get it..." He said, somewhat upset for some reason.
"Tobirama will," I whispered to him.
He frowned even more at that. "I didn't know Tobirama had a baby as well."
I blinked at that one, before grinning again.
"Yup. That's definitely it." A beat passed. "Tobirama's Make-out Tactics finally caught up with him."
"...I don't get it."
"Give it a few years."
"...Okay," He shrugged just as we reached the academy entrance-
Both of us blinked at the sight of the empty place.
"...We have school today right?" He questioned after a moment of silence, and just as he did another person joined us at said entrance-
"Huh, where is everyone?"
I turned toward the third voice, and let out a sigh the moment my gaze landed on Utabaka-chan- I immediately froze at the turn of events and turned toward a confused Hiruzen.
"Oi, do you secretly like Koharu?"
"Huh?" He questioned, surprised- The sound catching the other's attention. "Where'd that come from?"
I'll take that as a no...
"Oi, Utabaka," I called out to the girl, earning a frown out of her. "Do you have a crush on this idiot?" I calmly pointed to the now sputtering idiot.
Koharu blinked once, and snorted at that before taking a few steps towards us. "So what if I do?" She questioned with a raised eyebrow, the words-
"What?"
We both ignored him.
"...Shit." I let out a sigh. "Listen." I walked up to the amused girl. "I don't like you. And probably never will so." Her expression twitched. "Uh..." I scratched at the back of my head. "I dunno actually start liking him or one of the idiots in our class?" A beat passed. "I dunno how this crush thing works but you need to freakin' drop it, like right now."
"...You need help," Koharu eventually sighed, before she started walking into the empty academy.
"...Danzo what the hell was that?" Hiruzen calmly asked as he walked up beside me.
"Hiruzen-kun-" He literally did a doubletake at the correct name and honorific used. "There are only three things I am genuinely scared off in life." I heard his fucking gulp. "Paperwork, leadership and..." I visibly shuddered. "Ships."
He blinked at the last one. "Ships? You mean like boats?"
"No, Hiruzen-kun-"
"Please stop saying my name properly."
"-I mean war... The kind of war that can divide even the closest of families..."
"...Um... Danzo?"
I turned towards him, grabbed him by the shoulders-
"It's the worst kind of war in the world!"
"Dude what-"
"The only war... Where every side fights not to win but to sink the other ships!" A beat passed. "Where victory only comes through the misfortune of our own kind! Our own teammates! Own friends and family! A victory that only lasts as long as our ship still stands!"
"Okay man, I get it, you hate boats!"
I nodded and let go of him.
"By the way, I am pretty sure school's canceled for the day."
"Shouldn't we tell Utatane-"
I interrupted him- "What the fuck did I just say?" And added a glare at him for emphasis.
"...On second thought she can find out herself..." He muttered quietly before following me back out.
In the end, it turned out school wasn't canceled for the day, we were just the only idiots not to bother making sure.
...
"Hi!" The dumbass Uchiha called out, confidence oozing out of him as he stepped forward with a grin. "My name is Sasani Uchiha." The boy crossed his arms as his gaze surveyed the crowd of amused Jonins.
Today, officially speaking, was the halfway point of our academic careers- Which had come as a bit of a surprise for me. Mostly as to how fast time had flown by, but also somewhat because I'd entirely forgotten the First Class's academy years only lasted for three.
The halfway point, evidently, was a day of celebration, or more accurately a turning point as it meant that everyone in the class that had made it this far was now guaranteed a place amongst a Jonin Squad. The only real obstacle left was passing whichever Jonin we were stuck with's secret test.
"Once I graduate, I fully intend to work my way through the Chunin and Jonin tests with ease! Five years from now, I will have passed both!"
This was why my class was currently standing on an elevated platform in the middle of the large school hall, with dozens of ninjas filtered throughout the audience- Friends, family, and whatnot, along with the Jonin that would eventually lead our sorry asses to our deaths.
Alas, Tobirama seemed to not have bothered to show up.
I'd fully planned on telling everyone I was going to be Konoha's First Baby Helper if he'd been here.
We'd been told to pretty much each take a turn making an impression amongst the crowd- Though I had a feeling it was more of a political thing than anything.
"In ten years' time..." Sasani paused for effect because, like me, he too was a dramatic bitch. "I plan on becoming a proud head of the Uchiha clan!"
...Was he gonna murder his dad in nine years or something?
And I thought Itachi was a ways off down the timeline... Apparently, the whole parricide thing might've just been a recessive gene.
"And within the next twenty years..." The boy uncrossed his arms and tipped his head the slightest bit. "I will be Hokage."
Of all the things to expect out of a grandiose speech like that, actual respect on their faces wasn't one of them.
I shook my head at the idiots.
Morons all of them, honestly.
"Thank you, Sasani-kun." The teacher remarked diplomatically before indicating the next person to go up.
And on and on the list went- It was admittedly rather dull, but the audience seemed to be lapping it up.
From Yamanaka number one's broad claim of becoming the world's first medical specialist, to Yamanaka number two's (Born respectively in that order apparently) claim of becoming a mind expert- Which I am pretty sure was just another word for a therapist.
Lol.
Therapy? In a ninja village? That was as rare as a fucking Rinnegan.
Actually.
You probably had better odds of getting a Rinnegan than therapy in Konoha.
To Nara's dream of retiring before his thirties- Which had gotten a fucking wave of nodding heads from his clan members and amusement everywhere else.
Pity Hashirama wasn't here either, I am sure he would've just found that one relatable.
Dude was not doing well. Mostly because of the fact he had to put up a facade, and deal with the subsequent paperwork, of looking for the unknown individual that had 'attacked' Konoha (Me) while absolutely knowing who the actual cause was. The guy read my comics religiously, so it hadn't taken long for him to call me into his voice and straight up just ask me if I did it.
I told him the truth, of course. It'd made him happy knowing the 'Baby Helper' I'd designed wasn't made with malicious intent, very amused that I'd effectively pranked his brother, and also super annoyed because I'd asked him to keep it a secret.
On the plus side, Tsunade was now definitely going to be a healthy baby. Get that missing month of nutrients and whatnot.
Though it was somewhat alarming that the man hadn't bothered to ask me how, or why, I knew how to effectively design an entirely new medical fucking phenomenon, but potaito potahto I suppose.
He'd also, for some reason, actually asked me permission (provided it actually did its job) to develop more of the machine for the general public's use. Ie, to put some in our budget wooden parody of a hospital.
The hospital that had a sixty percent chance of treating you with some rather old-ass warring era and not to mention clan-based techniques.
Sixty.
They had a mortality rate of forty fucking percent.
Four times out of ten you died because you chose the hospital!
And people still went there for some reason.
Like, I am pretty sure just letting and hoping a wound naturally tried to fix itself was probably safer!
"Um..." I blinked and focused back on the idiot currently speaking before twitching the slightest bit at the fact it was Koharu.
I am starting to think fate was giving me a sign or something.
"My name is Koharu Utatane... And... Um... Uh..." She paused, an uncomfortable look on her face as she surveyed the hall. "I am going to become a proud genin of the leaf village!" She eventually said far too fast, while bowing her head before practically running back to the line of kids behind her.
Well... I guess not all of us had such a 'glamorous' future-
A strange sound filtered through the air that made me twitch again.
Why the fuck did everyone just clap at that!?
I shook my head again.
I.D.I.O.T.S
What was even the point of this!? Even politically speaking this had to be useless!
Yet, on, and on it went-
I barely managed to keep a straight face when the Hyuga heir blatantly said out loud that if nothing else, he would make absolutely certain that Sasani wouldn't ignorantly mess up the village if he were to ever become Hokage.
Surprisingly the Uchiha members seemed to find that funny as well.
The Hyuga ones on the other hand were the ones that looked worried.
I am starting to feel like I am missing something-
I felt a slight elbow jab from my right, my eyes blinking owlishly before I noticed the fact it was my turn now.
Thanks Hiruru!
Right.
Let's make a proper impression I guess?
I walked up to the front of the elevated stage and took in everyone's expression.
Judging by the thinly veiled everything on the noble clan faces, I seemed to be rather popular amongst them.
Sarcasm intended.
With a sigh, I calmly swept some hair out of my eyes and winged my introduction.
"Yo." I deadpanned. "My name's Danzo Shimura."
I genuinely considered just turning around then and there and walking back to my seat, before a small part of my brain decided against it.
When in Rome I guess?
"Life can't stand me," I continued to a round of bemusement- The annoyance, irritation and complete disregard for my future was still there on their faces, of course, it was just now bemused as well. "And death ain't gonna touch me." I snorted and tilted my head, before pocketing my hands.
"In six years time..." I started grinning for douche points. "I'll be more useful than literally every last one of you."
Dead silence met my words- Though the sound of two facepalms filtered through behind me.
I let out another sigh and made a show of thinking, a finger tapping my chin for added effect.
"And by the end of my life, I'll have buried so many people underground that my death will probably become a galactic fucking holiday."
I saw a few mouths open at that one- Though no words seemed to come out for some reason.
"And for those too stupid to understand what that means- It means that every single living thing in the known universe will literally celebrate it."
I gave 'em a smile to end it with.
Someone across the hall, in the middle of the throng of baffled ninjas actually agreed with me.
"See, he gets it!" I pointed a finger out, to nowhere in particular before letting out a snort. "Oh... Ya'll think I am joking, but I really ain't." I shook my head and walked back to my place in line, though not before giving them one last. "So many bodies, the past is gonna be jealous."
"Who the hell raised that thing!?" I heard someone else exclaim.
No one answered the Inazuka chick still going through her remedial E Ranks.
Still, despite the disappointments so far, I definitely paid attention to the next one in line.
With a long-ass heavy sigh from said speaker, I personally watched it begin with an amused smile on my face.
"My name is Hiruzen Sarutobi, and I am pretty sure I am going to lose most of my hair by twenty trying to keep the last idiot from causing one colossal fuck up after another." The boy actually emphasized the swear words in particular.
His mom and dad didn't look particularly happy about that.
Naturally, the ninjas laughed at that.
"...You think I am joking, but I really ain't either." Hiruzen deadpanned. "Danzo Shimura's probably going to be the death of me, so I won't even get to enjoy the galactic fuckin' holiday."
They found that funny as well.
I have never been prouder of Hiruzen than at this very moment.
I taught him so well!
...
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