I'm sitting at my desk doing some homework, but I'm not very focused. It's been a week since I apologized to Akari. She and Michi have returned to lunch, and I see her in class. But we still haven't spent any time alone together. I really miss her and I'm hoping she can forgive me soon, even if I sort of feel like I don't deserve it. Just as I'm having this very thought, I hear her knock on the door. I must be a witch or something. I can't help but smile broadly when I say, "Come in, Akari."

She comes into my room with a somber look on her face, and my smile evaporates. My immediate thought is that she is still upset with me, and we need to clear the air some more. That's certainly fair.

"Hey. Are you okay? Do we need to talk some more about us?"

She shakes her head, "We are good again. Will you hug me p-please? I need a Kayoko hug. I missed them."

"Well, yeah, of course." I get up and hug my friend as she requested. I missed hugging her.

"Everything okay? You seem upset. And if it's not about me…"

"It's Michi."

"Oh, did he go back to getting frustrated with your anxiety?"

She shakes her head, "No, he's been really great with that…"

"So…something else?"

"Yeah. He um…he told me he loved me."

"That's a bad thing?"

She shrugs, "M-maybe. I didn't say it back. And it really hurt his f-feelings. I feel really bad. He's been so good to me…should I have just said it?"

"Not if you don't feel that way."

"B-but…it feels like…I owe it to him. He's worked so hard to be a better boyfriend this time, and he's b-been so good…"

"I know he has. But telling someone you love them because you feel like you owe it to them probably isn't the best reason."

She sighs, "You're right."

"Can I ask…why you don't feel like you love him? You like him and you've been with him for a few months. What makes you hesitate to say you feel 'love'"?

"I d-don't know…I like him, I think. B-but…it doesn't feel as deep as when I've loved someone. I don't feel…connected to him enough, to say it."

I nod, "So…not the same as how you felt about Carsten?"

She shakes her head. "Not really."

"Didn't he help you when we I messed up last week?"

She frowns, "Kind of. That's…kind of when I started to realize maybe things aren't how they should be between us. I…had a hard time feeling comforted by him."

"I guess maybe it's hard to have an answer for this, because maybe you can't explain it…but why do you think he couldn't comfort you?"

We stop hugging each other and she sits down on the bed and thinks for a moment.

"It's the other half of the p-probation."

"Uh…what?"

"Well, part of us g-getting back together was to see if he could understand my anxiety better this time…and he did. But the other part…"

"...was if you could get past how he hurt you before."

She nods, "While I've…mostly been able to forget it, the times where he got frustrated with me have made it hard for me to feel completely…connected to him. I guess…in the back of my mind, I still d-don't fully trust him enough. She hugs herself and looks at me with sad eyes. "I...have to b-breakup with him, don't I?"

"Well…maybe, but you should talk to him. Maybe he's okay with you not being ready to say it just yet. Do you think it's impossible for you to ever love him?"

She shrugs and sighs, "I d-don't know. I guess impossible is a strong word…but I feel…fairly certain that I just can't love him."

I sit down next to her and put my arm around her and she leans into my shoulder, "Well…it sounds like you may need to break up then. Even if he were okay with you not being ready to say it yourself…he is going to expect you to be able to say it some day. But either way, you should talk to him."

She nods and then tears up, "I will. He d-deserves that, for sure. I…really hate this. Maybe I d-don't love him…but I do care about him. If he's in love with me, this is really going to hurt him."

"Yeah…that stinks. But…he'll be okay in the long run, speaking as someone who has been heartbroken before."

She nods, "Enough about that for now. Let's talk about something happier. How is chess?"

I laugh, "It's good. He's gotten a lot better."

She raises her eyebrow and I laugh and say, "Yes, I'm just talking about chess. Given what happened last week I think it is pretty clear I'm not ready for more than chess."

She nods, "Is he still f-flirty with you?"

"For sure. He…doesn't seem to like it when I flirt back though."

"What do you m-mean?"

"If he tells me I'm pretty and I fire back by saying he's cute, he acts like I insulted him."

"That is w-weird. But hey, how about I take this boy problem of yours and you go break up with Michi for me."

I laugh, "Doesn't seem like a fair trade. I will help you however I can with that, though."

She nods and hugs me. "I'm sure I'll be needing you."

—-

"Well, it took you what - 15 moves to beat me this time?"

I laugh, "Yep. See, I said you'd get better."

Koji leans back in his chair and shakes his head, "Damn. Maybe we should be playing one of the games I'm better at too."

I giggle, "We could do that. It would only be fair."

He smiles, "You have a really cute giggle."

I give him an over-the-top giggle in response, and say "You have a really cute smile."

His smile fades again and he looks uncomfortable.

This might really piss him off, but I have to ask.

"Okay, I have to ask, why do you hate it when I compliment you?"

He looks like he wants to run away. But he stays in place and wrings his hands.

"I'm sorry…if it's too personal…

He sighs and quietly says, "I just don't believe you."

"Don't believe I would dare ask something so personal?"

"No. I don't believe that you think I'm cute."

"What? Why?"

He pulls his hood forward as far as it will go.

"Your scars don't mean you aren't cute, Koji. You definitely are."

He glares at me, and his voice gets sharp. "Yeah? Then why wasn't I ever adopted? Why have I been bullied my entire life? Why did a girl at my old school pretend she liked me as a practical joke? Those things…they don't happen to the cute guys, Kayoko. I could…maybe believe that you like me because of my personality…but don't tell me I'm cute. I'm not."

Well…that explains a lot. Of course, I have a lot of questions, but this doesn't seem like the time.

"I'm sorry those horrible things happened to you…I didn't know any of it, obviously. I can see why you would think you aren't cute after all that. But they don't change the fact that I think you're cute. I mean, it's like half the reason I'm playing chess with you so much."

Once again, he looks like I insulted him. "I'm sorry, I don't believe you. I'm…going to go. I think we might be done here if you're going to keep doing this." He stands up and heads for the exit.

I frown, "Koji…will you let me prove it to you?"

He sighs and turns around, "How?"

This could end up going really badly. But it's worth a shot. I want to help him if I can. It's a little awkward we are in a public place, but there isn't anyone around right now.

I walk up to him and put my hand on either side of his face, holding his hood. I start to pull it down. He looks like he wants to stop me at first, and even moves his arm like he's going to, but he decides not to. He's trembling slightly.

I smile at him before kissing him on each of his scarred cheeks. He flinches a little. Then I give him a kiss on the lips. He's tense at first, but then hugs me and I hug him back. I break the kiss after a few seconds.

When I do, he looks shocked, but also happy. "See? I think you're cute. I don't do that with guys who aren't."

He smiles at me and then comes in for a kiss of his own. It feels really nice, but I break it after a few seconds because I definitely need to tell him something before he gets the wrong idea. "I should tell you…I went through a hard break up and am not in a good place to be in a relationship right now. I wanted to do this to prove that you're cute, though."

He looks a little disappointed for a moment and then releases me from his arms.

"Okay. Well…I suppose I believe you. Um…any idea when…you might be interested in a relationship?"

I can't help but giggle. "Was that a confession?"

He sighs, "Yes. I've had a crush on you…since I met you, pretty much. The only reason I didn't confess earlier is because I didn't think you would like me the same way. But now, I know that's not exactly true. So, I'd like to be together."

"I'm sorry. I don't know when I will be ready. Remember how I upset my friend recently? It all happened because I found out my ex had a girlfriend, and I was in a horrible mood about it."

"I…see."

"Yeah. But…once I am ready, I will consider your confession. Just…don't wait or anything. I don't know how long it will be."

He nods, "Okay. We can still be friends in the meantime?"

I smile at him, "Yeah. I'd like that. And…hey if you ever need to talk about some of that stuff you mentioned earlier… I would listen."

He doesn't really respond to my offer to listen. After that he hugs me again and we part for the evening.

—-

I'm in my room doing some extra reading on gene editing. This topic is really consuming my free time. As much as I love music, this feels different. I think because it's so personal for me. Imagining that I could be a scientist some day who helps find a way to get rid of genetic conditions…like my EDS, Akari's lupus, or Hideki's COPD…I'm not sure there's anything else that would motivate me the same way.

Akari is breaking up with Michi today, I'm a little antsy to see how that goes. She's going to drop by here when it's done.

I can't help but think about kissing Koji yesterday. It was really nice. I think based on what he said to me, it must have been his first kiss. It was surprisingly good, especially for a novice. But…I hope he doesn't feel like I took that first from him.

Just as I'm thinking about that situation Akari knocks on my door and my teary-eyed best friend enters the room.

I get up and hug her. "How did it go?"

"N-not good. He was really cruel to me…I know he was hurt, b-but…"

"What did he do?"

She sits down on the bed. I sit down next to her.

"He s-said he wasted his t-time on me. Which if he had s-stopped there, might not have been too bad. I…k-kind of did. But then he m-mentioned that he c-can't believe I didn't have sex with him, or d-do other sexual things with him more often. Which makes it s-sound like the only reason he was nice to me is because he w-wanted to sleep with me…"

"What an asshole. Well…at least you know you made the right decision now."

She nods, "Yeah. I'm…p-pretty sure he's going to apologize when he calms down, and he w-was lashing out because he is hurting. But it makes me feel a lot less b-bad for hurting him."

"Do you wanna go to my mom's or anything?"

She sighs, "I don't think so. I have a lot of homework and I am honestly n-not that upset about the actual break up…just, what he said."

"Yeah, you seem pretty calm all things considered."

She nods. "Can I get my homework and come do it in here?"

"Of course."

After we work quietly for a while she asks, "Any updates about chess?"

I laugh, "We kissed."

She looks at me wide-eyed. "Is that a chess term?"

I giggle, "No. We kissed, then I told him I wasn't ready for a relationship, then he confessed."

"That's…a weird order to do things in. Are you sure you said that r-right?"

"I did."

I explain to her how I kissed him because he didn't believe he was cute and how I promised to consider his confession seriously in the future.

She smiles, "I guess the order makes m-more sense now. Do you think you m-might end up with him?"

I shrug, "Maybe. Our kisses were nice. But it's so hard to tell what I'm feeling right now. I'm a little worried that I'm still on the rebound."

Akari nods, "That makes sense. T-taking it slow and cautious is probably a good idea."

—-

Koji and I just finished playing chess. I won again, but he continues to improve.

"So, I know you're not ready for a relationship now, but I'd like to propose something."

"Um…okay."

"What if we just…kissed some more? It doesn't have to mean anything. I…kind of haven't been able to stop thinking about kissing you the other day. We don't have to do anything other than kiss."

That does sound…appealing. I've had our kiss on my mind more than I care to admit.

"I'm not sure it's a good idea. I don't want to lead you on, or anything. I'm worried you'd get more attached to me and then get hurt. It would feel…like I'm using you, or something."

He scoffs, "I'm the one who suggested it though. Doesn't that mean you can't be using me?"

The man does have a point…plus I can keep helping him feel better about himself. Is there any downside here?

"Okay…if we're going to do this…"

He gives me a big smile and says, "So we're going to do it?"

"Don't get too excited yet, I have a big if. If we're going to do this, there need to be some serious ground rules to keep things from escalating."

He nods.

"Only kissing. No tongue. Hugging each other while we kiss is as far as we go in terms of touching. And…I think we should always be standing. If any of these rules get broken, we're not doing it anymore."

He nods, "Okay. I understand." He smiles, "Can we…kiss now?"

I giggle. "You're eager, aren't you?

He laughs, "A little bit."

"We should probably go somewhere…a little more private if we're going to." There aren't a whole lot of people here, but people regularly walk by this common room.

"We could go to my room."

I laugh, "That's probably a good additional ground rule. We don't kiss in each other's rooms."

He nods, "Yeah…good point. We…could go to the library. I have a key after all."

"Won't you get in trouble?"

"Nah. I go there after hours all the time, no one would suspect anything."

I smile, "Well, that sounds like a good option then."

As we head over to the library, he has a goofy smile on his face the entire time. I like the fact that he's so excited to kiss me. I'm excited too.

Once we get to the library we go to a back corner and then turn off the lights so no one can possibly see us through a window. Then, with my back against the wall, I gently pull him towards me. I kiss him on each of his cheeks again, before kissing him on the lips. I hope if I keep doing this, he'll really understand that his scars aren't the repulsive thing he thinks they are. In his mind, they must be far worse than they actually are. He's pressing a little more firmly this time, which I don't mind. I put my arms around him, placing my hands on his back, and I move away from the wall a little so he can do the same. I hug him a little more firmly, because feeling him against me is nice. I find myself wanting to break some of our ground rules and almost slip my tongue into his mouth numerous times, but I'm able to control myself. So is he.

We gently kiss each other for what must be 10 minutes. We stop when I break the kiss. He's disappointed.

"It's getting late. We should probably go back to our rooms."

He says, "Yeah…probably. That was…nice."

I giggle, "I agree."

As we're heading back to the dorms, he asks, "Will this just be part of our chess nights now?"

I laugh, "Only if you beat me."

"So that's a 'no,' then?"

"Maybe. We'll have to see."

He smiles, "Okay. Well..see you later."

As I head back to my dorm and the tingly feeling on my lips fades, I start to feel bad. He really likes me, I think. Even if it was his idea for us to do this no strings kissing, I'm really worried he's going to get hurt. But it's also really nice to kiss a cute, sweet guy who is this into me.

When I get back to my room Akari opens her door and smiles mischievously. "You were out p-playing chess later than n-normal."

I sigh and invite her into my room.

I sit down on my bed and cradle my head in my hands. "I have a romance dilemma. I was going to see if Ai is available too."

I call Ai and she makes her way down to my room. They are seated while I stand in front of them and explain the situation. Now I'm summing things up.

"So, basically, we're kissing, with very strict boundaries. I think it's…kind of good for both of our mental health right now. But I also know he really likes me…so I think maybe we shouldn't?"

Akari's arms are crossed, and she's scowling at me. Ai looks more neutral, she speaks first.

"So…basically, you're friends with benefits?"

"Are we? It makes me uneasy to hear it called that."

Akari responds, "Well…that's wh-what it is, Kayoko. So, if it m-makes you uneasy, there's y-your answer."

I frown at Akari, "Are you mad at me?"

"A little. I thought you were m-more of a romantic than this."

I look down at my feet, "Yeah…I guess I did too. But it's complicated, okay! There are ground rules. It isn't like I'm just using him…is it?"

Akari scoffs, "Sounds like it to m-me.".

Ai says, "Well…hold on, Akari. This guy is clearly getting a much-needed confidence boost out of it. So at least he's…kind of using her too?"

I nod at Ai in thanks, and Akari says, "I guess maybe it's okay right now. B-but what happens later?"

"Huh?"

"He's g-going to fall in love with you, Kayoko. He already has feelings for you. So, if you hang out and k-kiss twice a week for long enough, that's what will happen. Then what will you do?"

I sigh and sit down on the chair. "Either we end up together or he gets really hurt and…I definitely can't guarantee we end up together. Man, I suck. It just…sounded so nice."

Akari comes and stands next to me and puts her hand on my back to comfort me. "You don't suck. You're just hurting still and this w-was a nice escape. I think it's okay if you two still hang out…b-but the kissing will complicate things."

Ai says, "Yeah…I guess Akari is right. Sorry, Kayoko."

"Now I have to figure out how to tell him we aren't…kiss buddies or whatever."

The two of them both leave for the evening.

After Ai and Akari leave, I get a text from Koji.

"Hey. Kissing you is amazing but…a little too amazing. It's messing with my head. We probably shouldn't anymore."

Well, that makes it easier.