Unfortunately, before Sasuke could charge at Orochimaru and kick his ass, Minato stepped in front of him, blocking his vision.
"Orochimaru," Minato glared at him venomously. Sasuke was pleased to note that Orochimaru actually looked alarmed.
Minato threw one of his three-pronged kunai towards Orochimaru, who probably knew all of Minato's tricks. He teleported, managing to kick Orochimaru's head, sending him flying backward.
Sasuke was stuck watching a fight between Orochimaru and Minato - probably a once in a lifetime opportunity. However, he couldn't help but be a little bit bored - why was he stuck watching a fight rather than participating in it?
He wasn't at all surprised when Minato began ruthlessly kicking Orochimaru's ass, beating him into a literal pulp while Minato didn't even get a small cut. Orochimaru right now was barely S-rank, albeit Sasuke had to admit he got stronger in about 20 years.
Thinking back, he probably shouldn't have rushed to kill Orochimaru, not in front of Minato anyway. He'd probably end up getting impatient, revealing more than the basic Sharingan to Minato, and he didn't really want Konoha to have any idea about his true strength.
Once Minato knocked Orochimaru unconscious and tied him up, he looked at Sasuke appreciatively.
"Why didn't you kill him? He's not really useful," Sasuke said, glancing at Orochimaru's defeated form nonchalantly.
"I'm not authorised to kill him. Besides, we need him alive for interrogation," Minato tightened the bindings. Sasuke shrugged, accepting his answer.
"Hiruzen is probably going to start bawling his eyes out," Sasuke said, slightly smirking at the idea.
"I hope so," Minato said bitterly, "He's a complete moron. He should've investigated Orochimaru."
Sasuke went quiet, slightly shocked. He was under the impression that Minato completely revered Hiruzen. That comment wasn't typical of loyal ninja, who were supposed to respect the Hokage as the highest authority. Sasuke honestly thought it was a bit cultish.
If he remembered correctly, Hiruzen apparently couldn't decide between making Minato or Orochimaru the Yondaime. To Sasuke, and to anyone else, Minato was the obvious choice. He should've guessed that Minato and Hiruzen didn't have the best relationship.
"You'd be a much better Hokage," Sasuke shrugged.
"Are you trying to flatter me?" Minato narrowed his eyes suspiciously. He slapped some sort of seal on the unconscious Orochimaru.
"What would I gain from flattering you?" Sasuke whistled, bored. He trudged away, deciding to leave Minato to it. "I've got some stuff to do. See you." Minato let him wander off.
Sasuke sipped his green tea slowly, overlooking his to-do list. He quickly wrote and ticked off 'incarcerate Orochimaru'. The amount of shit he had to get done was starting to lessen, so now was the perfect time to get started on a simpler task: finding out exactly what was happening to his body.
Luckily, he had a copy of all the tests the hospital ran on him when he was unconscious. He pulled out the printed versions, scanning them thoroughly.
There was definitely something amiss, but he couldn't figure out what. Feeling annoyed, Sasuke decided to take a hot shower, in order to give himself time to think and reflect.
The water was so hot that it nearly stung. He gazed at the seals that still decorated his abdomen. As long as these things were on him, Konoha basically controlled him. He could probably escape without chakra, but he might be dead shortly afterwards. Even though they were currently deactivated, it took barely a second to activate the seals again.
He got out of the shower, staring at his reflection in the mirror, which had fogged up. His own reflection seemed mesmerising.
Maybe it was because he was trying to find something wrong with his body earlier, but now, he definitely noticed something. He twisted a lock of his hair around his index finger, examining each individual strand.
He didn't have to shave since he got here. His hair stayed the exact same length, despite it being a little over a month by now. It didn't even grow by a few millimetres.
Sasuke didn't have any answers, but his solution was simple: consult a higher power, namely the Kyuubi. Of course, he'd have to be prepared to give up some of his knowledge of the future, not that the Kyuubi could do anything with it.
Of course, he'd do all of that tomorrow - he couldn't really be arsed after the long, grueling day he had.
Again, he found himself following Kushina. Although she could sneak up on him, he could also sneak up on her, so it was alright. He was in public, so he was wearing sunglasses in order to veil the Mangekyou, and had also taken on the appearance of a nondescript civilian.
He activated the Sharingan, instantly delving into Kushina's mindscape. He sprinted through the golden, winding corridors again until he found the Kyuubi, still wrapped in adamantine chains.
"I'm back," he called out, although the Kyuubi had noticed him.
"So you are," The Kyuubi growled lightly, albeit not out of maliciousness. "You better start talking about the future, or-"
"I have a question, first," Sasuke strained his neck, making eye contact with the Kyuubi. It didn't seem to like that Sasuke interrupted it. The Kyuubi rolled its eyes.
"Something is happening to my body. Everything is irregular, and I can't figure out why," he spoke to the Kyuubi in a puzzled manner.
"I don't know if your fancy eyes are working properly or not, brat," The Kyuubi regarded him as if he was an insect, "But I'm a fucking fox. Why would I know about pathetic, flimsy mortal bodies?"
"I don't know. Because you're old as fuck?" Sasuke said, feeling frustrated. All he wanted was some damn answers.
"Ugh, fine," The Kyuubi relinquished, "Tell me more. Be specific."
"My facial hair isn't growing, and-"
"Maybe you're turning into a woman," The Kyuubi replied, its tone entirely serious.
"What?!" Sasuke backed away in pure panic.
The Kyuubi started shaking. Some strange noise came out of its mouth - Sasuke realised that it was laughing. At him.
"Kidding!" The Kyuubi continued to guffaw for another minute, until its heavy laughter eventually faded into quiet chuckles. Finally, it looked at Sasuke, completely serious again. Sasuke glowered at it. He didn't appreciate such crass, twisted humour.
"Anyway, I know what's wrong. It happens to most dimension hoppers," The Kyuubi fully calmed down now. "You're disconnected from your original world, and you don't belong here either. You're an anomaly."
"Um," Sasuke squinted in confusion. He understood what the Kyuubi was saying, but didn't get what it was implying. "I don't get it," he admitted. It was a bit of a blow to his pride.
"Mortals," it sighed in frustration, "Fine. I'll rephrase it so even your tiny mortal brain can comprehend it. Your body is frozen, because you don't belong here."
"I think I get it," Sasuke nodded, starting to understand. "I'm not ageing. But I'm still killable, right?" This was a rather startling realisation.
"Wow, I'm impressed," the Kyuubi muttered sardonically, "It can learn!"
Sasuke pretended that he wasn't offended. He sat down on the smooth, stone cold floor, cross-legged.
"Thanks for answering my question, Kyuubi," even if it took a painstakingly long while, "I guess it's my turn to uphold my end of the bargain."
The Kyuubi became solemn. Its sudden mood swings were a little difficult to cope with.
"It's Kurama, you brat," It growled out, but not in anger. Sasuke nodded. He supposed he should have known that the Bijuu had names. He just didn't know why Kurama told him.
"Well, thanks, Kurama," he emphasised the name, ready to start using it.
With his question now answered, Sasuke discussed the future with Kurama.
Omake
Warning: profanity, sexual themes.
Tsunade wriggled in her seat uncomfortably. She glanced, annoyed, at Jiraiya, who was sitting next to her in the cinema and couldn't have been happier.
This is so stupid, she thought, but I don't want to disappoint him. They were sitting in the middle of the theatre, waiting for the ads to end and for the movie to begin. The movie was, unfortunately, Icha Icha Paradise.
Yep. Somebody had loved the Icha books so much that they decided to terrorise the rest of the world with an incredibly high budget, high profile movie version. And Jiraiya, being the author, had gotten two tickets. It was a day before it would release to the rest of the public. She had the absolute joy (note the sarcasm) of being the first person to view it.
The movie began with two people moaning loudly, while the camera made successive thrusting motions. Tsunade tried her hardest to not cry. Jiraiya glanced at her, mistaking her agony for joy. He gave her a shit-eating grin, and turned back to the movie.
She checked her watch. 5 minutes in, 2 hours and 57 minutes left to go. Who the fuck decided to make a 3 hour long Icha movie? And what sadistic fuck decided that the movie didn't need an interval?
Tsunade sank back into her seat, stuffing her face with salty popcorn (because sweet was for losers like Jiraiya) and wishing the Earth would swallow her.
177 agonising minutes later, Tsunade dashed out of the theatre, with tears relentlessly pouring out of her eyes. She was bawling her eyes out, frantically wiping away the tears. Jiraiya exited calmly and happily, with a single tear rolling down his cheek.
"That was beautiful," he whispered, sniffling.
3 days after that disastrous event, Tsunade picked up a magazine, flicking through it and reading the front cover, which said 'New Icha movie: even the heartless Tsunade moved to tears'.
She holed up in her room, waiting for the rest of the week to pass by, and watching in misery as Icha Icha Paradise became the highest grossing movie in cinematic history.