TW Sexual assault, manslaughter, therapy, death
Andy opened her eyes as the sunlight hit her face. Her lips curled up a bit. She slept, she finally slept till the sun was up that hasnt happend in months. Above all she felt safe, safe enough to sleep for longer than one hour. Andy closed her eyes for a little while she cuddled up with the comfy blanket on top of her wanting this feeling of peace to last forever. After a bit she decided it was time to get up. She looked over at the sleeping man by her side, how can he be so attractive while sleeping. Her thoughts quickly changed back as she kept repeating to herself Andy he is your ex husband who is being here for you don't think about how sexy he is. shaking her head to get the thoughts out of her head she got up and walked over to the other side of her bed. "Thank you for staying" She whispered as she gave Robert a kiss on his cheek and walked towards her kitchen wanting to make some breakfast, that was the least she could do to thank him for staying.
Looking through her pantry and fridge there wasnt a lot of food to be found. Survival mode isnt the greatest for having guests over. She zoned out while making coffee and regained her focus again when she looked into the fridge one more time hopine somehow food suddenly appeared which didn't happen. The only thing she saw was an unorganized mess in her fridge. "I need to clean" she whispered to herself as she emptied the fridge and some cupboards. There was something calming, therapeutic even with reorganizing, cleaning and most of all keeping herself busy at all times.
"Good morning" Robert said sleepy as he walked into the kitchen rubbing his hands over his face trying to wake himself up a little more. When he opened his eyes he looked surprised from Andy to the kitchen and back at her "Andy did a raccoon break into your appartment?" Robert looked around in the messy kitchen. She quickly tried to grab some things to get it out of the way embarrassed by the mess she made. "Please don't manifest that. I guess i was the raccoon trying to make some breakfast but maybe i got annoyed with how unorganized the whole fridge and kitchen were so i may have forgotten about breakfast and started cleaning" still keeping her hands busy she walked from the sink to the fridge she was deepcleaning. "Can i help?" Robert couldn't help but giggle at the sight in front of him "No you just sit and relax" Andy grabbed a mug and poured some coffee for him. "Here i think you can use that. I'm sorry that i scared you last night i didn't mean to interupt your sleep"
"No need to be sorry. You get them often don't you" Robert asked her worried "everytime i close my eyes" she took a deep breath "that sounds exhausting, i wish i could help maybe even take the bad dreams away" he cringed hearing his own cheesy words. "You're helping. I... nevermind" Andy took a sip from her coffee hoping Robert wouldn't ask questions. "What is it?"He asked "I , it's nothing i shouldn't say this to you" silently cursing herself for saying too much hoping he would drop it. "Andy seriously?" He gave her a confused stare "I realized i still feel safe and at peace around you, i haven't slept this well since it happend. I'm worried you ruined me with your calm vibe" She vented "my calm vibe?" Robert smiled "I can't explain it you have that effect on me and that confuses me. I thought the only people that could calm me down during my breakdowns, nightmares and go on were gone but i guess you're still here"
"I'm still here, i'm not going anywhere Andy" he repeated. Not sure how to respond she grabbed his hand. Looking down at their hands intertwined she felt the familiar tingle that was always there when they touched. The moment got ruined as Andy's stomach started growling. They bursted out laughing. "Okay that's it i'm ordering breakfast" Robert grabbed his phone and looked up their fave brunchplace. "You still into their french toast, bacon and orange Juice?" Andy nodded. "Ordered! it'll be here in 30 minutes so we should probably start organizing this mess" He nodded towards the kitchen "Robert you don't need to help just relax you've done enough" "i'm helping" he stood up and walked towards her in the kitchen " I mean how else will you be able to reach that high shelf?"
They spent half an hour cleaning and orginazing until they heard the doorbell ringing. Andy grabbed some plates as Robert opened the door to get their food.
"What are you up to today? More chaotic cleaning?" Andy threw a little piece of bacon to him and looked down to her plate. "I have another appointment with Donna this afternoon probably will try to rest before. You?" She asked before taking a big bite of her french toast "Not a lot really, probably just a workout and some chores. Oh and don't worry i'll remember to call you if i'm ever in need of someone to help me organize" Robert let out a giggle seeing the look on Andy's face "stop! to be honest i miss working out, i should get back to that, i just don't feel safe at the gym alone." "Andy you can always join me and i'm sure if you'd ask Maya or Vic they would join you anyday" What Andy didn't know is the whole team wanted to help but didnt really know how. Things like this would maybe be a step into the right direction. "Maybe i'll ask Vic her workouts are uhmm less of a olympian athlete style" they continued eating their breakfast and after that Robert left to workout while Andy finished cleaning up and took a nap before heading to Donna.
"Andy, hi! I'm glad you're here have a seat, you want anything to drink?" "A beer would be nice" she joked and smiled as she heard a giggle from Donna. "You and me both, i guess tea will have to do" Donna handed Andy a cup of tea and sat down. "You seem more like yourself, anything you want to tell me?" Donna was suprised seeing Andy like this. "You know a smart person once told me that it's time to stop hiding and start letting others take care of you. I guess i tried to do that. Last time i was here i told you that i bumped into Robert right?" Donna nodded "I slept with him, Wait no i don't mean... not like that" Andy started blushing. "After our last talk i asked him to come over. He brought all types of comfort food and he was there for me, not rushing just being there caring for me. I felt vulnerable and even asked him to sleep over because i was scared of the nightmares or maybe i just wanted him to stay close. I didn't open up completly, i know i should but it might take me a little bit longer to get to that point." She smiled thinking back of their morning together "Andy that's such a big step. I'm proud of you for reaching out that couldn't have been easy and so glad you listened. Your loved ones care and want to be there for you in one way or another. There is no need to open up immediately take your time and let things go as natural for you as possible just promise me you won't shut him out" "i promise i'll try"
"You know everything was going well today i still had a nightmare last night but since Robert was sleeping beside me i felt safe enough to really sleep. It scared me that i finally started to feel more like myself again. Not sure if it was because i slept for the first time in forever or because i wasn't alone and Robert was there for me, i still feel so safe and at peace with him around. I shouldn't feel that way right we're divorced. After he left i tried to take a nap and had another nightmare and woke up covered in sweat. It made me realize a few things i have kept bottled up. "Can you tell me more?" Donna asked.
Andy took a deep breath before continuing "I took him, Jeremy, away from his family. I... i'm the reason he died. I'm the reason there will always be an empty seat at the table during thanksgiving, christmas, birthdays even." Andy started fidgeting with her hands as she looked over to Donna who was writing some things down. "I know how hard it is to lose a loved one, i... i never thought about the fact that i was the reason of someones son never returning home, a friend that would never pick up the phone again. To them i'm not the woman who escaped her attacker i am the one that is responsable for the death of their loved one."
"Andy" she called her name kindly but didnt get a response "Andy" she repeated still nothing untill Andy turned around and started venting. "You must think i'm such a bad person, so selfish. When i had that nightmare and wrote some things down in that diary thing it was the first time it popped up in my head that Jeremy was loved by people too. He wasn't just the monster i saw, the person my mind created him to be. He had parents, friends maybe even siblings who got woken up on an ordinary day by Police standing in front of their door telling them their son passed away, was murdered even." Andy started trembling. "You know it was easier just seeing him as the bad guy. It was easier dehuminazing his existence. But i can't anymore. He was loved and i killed him because he made a bad decision"
"Andy you're spiraling. First of all i don't think you're a bad person at all, you're a human with emotions working on healing. There is no way to change what has happend and you're constantly at war with yourself reliving the trauma thinking you could've done something else that didn't end up with him dying that's exhausting. Andy you're a survivor your trauma isn't your fault. You acted out of self defence knowing there was no other way out. This outcome is on him assaulting you not on your human reaction to fight and flight. The only thing you're responsible for is your own healing." Andy kept fidgeting with her hands. "If that's true why do i feel like this?" She took a few deep breaths before continuing. "I looked them up" she almost whispered "who did you look up Andy?" Donna asked confused "His parents.. i saw the memories they posted online, i found his personal profile too. It was filled with pictures of him laughing with his coworkers maybe even friends and his dog. Donna he had a dog.." A few tears escaped her eyes "Can i ask you why you looked him up?" She asked interested in the reason why "I guess I feel guilty for finding myself again little by little after the horror i went through. How can i live a normal life with what i did, how can i laugh and have fun while i took someones life? I guess i'm lost in my mind. With everything i do there is this voice in my head circling me back that i shouldn't be laughing because there is a family grieving about my actions."
"Andy let me ask you this. If one of your friends or loved ones was the one who got assaulted and ended up taking someones life out of self defence would you want them to stay in that situation and never be able to enjoy life again?" Donna knew her questioning might be a bit absurd knowing exactly what Andy would answer but she needed some tough love. "No ofcourse not, it might take a while and they will never fully heal but i'll be there, helping them to make the best out of the life they still have left." Andy looked out of the window seeing the gray clouds getting closer and closer. "What you're saying is that you'll help the other person to make the best out of life after a traumatic event right" Donna repeated "I see what you're doing here doc" She said not taking her eyes of the window "Look Andy guilt is linked to your empathy. You are an empathic person who takes care of others and will be in their corner advocating for them no matter what. In the meantime you don't allow yourself to make mistakes. You're too hard on yourself and Andy no one expects you to stay in this headspace forever. There will be good and there will be bad days. There is no need to feel guilty for defending yourself. You'll get there, the memories will start fading a little bit at a time and you'll replace them with better ones. Hell knowing you you might even become an advocate for women who went through a similair situation. It might be early to think about this but there are ways you can help others by sharing your experience in whatever way that suits you." "It's just a lot, i'm not sure what my future holds and that scares me" Andy looked back at Donna with tears in her eyes "I know you are used to having control and that's been taken away from you." They sat in silence for a minute
"We still have another 30 minutes left but i think we have done enough for today. Is there something else that you want to talk to me about today?" Donna asked "No not really, same time on friday right" "same time" Donna repeated
Andy was walking back home as she decided to get a little excercise in. Her phone died on the way home and she was left with thoughts spiraling through her head. She felt the need to open up to Robert at least a little bit after all he was there for her he deserved to know what was going on in her head. As soon as she got home she grabbed her carkeys and drove over to his place zoning out on the way there. Before she knew it she was knocking on his door.
"You said i could always drop by when i needed to vent, so i'm here venting.." Andy kept looking down at her shoes not ready to show her tears once again. "Herrera?! Come in!" She heard a kind but familiar voice. No no no this can't be she thought to herself. Andy hesitated before she looked up to find her chief standing in the doorway of her ex husbands house, the house she used to live in. She figured they might be dating but never expected this. "Chief.. i'm sorry i'm gonna go i shouldnt be visiting Robert when he is clearly hanging out with his girlfriend."
"Andy what are you talking about? I can assure you i'm not his girlfriend" Tash started laughing "Herrera i mean it, my husband is inside. Me, Robert and him used to serve our country together we were just catching up. It looks like you need your friend more than we do so i'll get out of your way. Natasha gave her a kind smile as she called over her husband who quickly greeted Andy on his way out. She walked into the house feeling a little uneasy for suggesting her chief was dating her ex. "I'm sorry, i shouldn't have... suggested that there was something more than friendship between you two" Andy said embarrasssed "Wait? You thought me and Tash were more than old friends" Robert started laughing hystericly "Oh Andy, she's like a sister to me that would just be wrong" they continued laughing for a little "i'm glad you came by, do you want a beer, coffee, hot cocoa, tequila or one of my famous smoothies?" He asked already knowing her answer "Am i that predicatable?" Andy asked "Andy i know you well i must say" He smiled "i guess you do" "one smoothie coming right up"
"This place changed since i last was here" She walked through the place she used to call home looking at all the changes he had made since she left "Yeah i guess you inspired me to make this place feel more homey and that work isn't all so i made a few changes the last few years" Robert made his way to the kitchen and started making them some smoothies while he couldn't help watching Andy's every move. "What do you think?" He asked looking up from cutting up some fruits. "It's different i like it. But Robert seriously i never thought you would be an hmm how can i say this nicely can i call this art kind of person" Andy giggled "Oh come on that's beautifull" Andy sat down on the roomy couch as she gave him a questionable look "okay to be honest it was a gift from luke he thought it was hilarious i never put it up before. I kept it in the attic for years i guess it reminds me of him and our friendship. It's kind of a comfort thing i guess like you often wear your father's SFD cap and still fidget with the little marble Ryan gave you when you're stressed" They both thought about the loved ones they lost "I love that, i know you miss him" not really sure what else to say she gave him a genuine smile as he handed her a smoothie. "I know you didnt come by to start mocking my artwork, so what's going on in that head of yours?"
to be continued...