Azula raced through the darkness as fast her legs could carry her.
She had to get away, deep into the woods and plunging darkness where he would not find her, where they would not find her. She couldn't let them find her. Not the Avatar and his friends. Not that vile snow peasant and her idiot brother. Not Zuko. Not mother.
If I really am your mother.
She shut her eyes to hold back her tears—
"Oomph!"
And ran into a tree. She shoved off hard and kept running.
The forest was growing thicker and darker with every step. Her muscles strained and her legs burned with exhaustion but she had to keep moving. She had to move faster. If they caught her, they would kill her back, or worse, send her back.
I've imagined all this.
The throne is my destiny.
If I really am your mother...
How could she forget?
She blinked rapidly as tears blurred her vision. It was impossible enough sprinting through the dark, downhill, past trees and branches and roots she could not see, on legs whose muscles were atrophied from over a year of imprisonment and were draining quickly.
If I really am your mother.
Get away from her!
Take her down!
Her spine crawled as the invisible hand of her enemies reached out from the dark. She grit her teeth and strained to quicken the pace but she winced when cramps twisted in her ribs and belly. She gasped from the pain. "Keep moving!" She gritted through her teeth.
A new daughter.
I've imagined all this.
I didn't love you enough.
A hard lump jammed in her throat and her chest heaved in a convulsive sob. Her whole body shook. She lost her footing, stumbled and fell.
"Ahh!"
She saw stars.
Pain erupted in her forehead.
When she came to, her face was entangled in branches and leaves. She tore away from the tree branch in silent fury and sprung forward once more, blood coursing down her forehead. She tasted it on her lips.
The throne is my destiny.
No matter what, you will always be my sister…
Liar!
She dug her heels into the ground and changed course abruptly to throw off her pursuers. She was running downhill but at a shallow slope and could barely see where she was going. She huffed each breath through gnashed teeth and grimaced as pain radiated through ribs with every expansion. Her heart drummed in her ears. She was tiring fast, faster than the old Princess Azula would have.
The throne is my destiny.
If I really am your mother.
I've imagined all this.
"No…" She whispered through her breath.
What unknown dangers in this spirit-laden forest was she running into? What more dangerous spirits might she come across, alone and in the dark?
Forget it! She cleared away the troublesome thought with a quick shake of her head. That didn't matter now. Her life didn't matter now. She just had to escape capture. She just had to get away from them. She couldn't let them find her. The darkness would be her shield.
"If I am your mother," her mother had questioned.
"I'm sorry I didn't love you enough," her mother had told her.
A sob threatened to constrict her. Her breathing turned shaky and shallow.
"One fact never changes," her brother had said.
She wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand.
"You're still my sister."
Her strength was fading.
Suddenly, a bright blue light filled the forest like the sun. She gasped. What the?! Can they see me?!
She skidded to a halt and raised her fists in firebending form. Her head swiveled around as she scanned the trees and shadows for signs of movement. She held her breath to listen. Where's the light coming from?! Is this a trick?!
"Do you wish to remember, human?" A powerful voice boomed.
What?! Her eyes bulged. She still saw nothing. Is it all in my head? Oh god, PLEASE don't be in my head!
"Hold still…"
She flinched, ducked and took off sprinting once more. Is it a spirit?! Where?! She weaved around trees and juked side-to-side randomly to avoid potential pursuers. Her attention sharpened and her mind ran cold with logic. With the forest now illuminated, she took in her surroundings. Trees everywhere. I'm in a shallow, rocky ravine. Round objects ahead. Rocks, maybe, No, boulders!
Gasp!
Protection!
With a final burst of energy, she bee-lined for the mass of shadowy boulders and dove behind the nearest one. She hit the ground hard, her armor rattling and crunching, and she attempted to roll into a crouch but her feeble legs caused her to tumble instead. With a pained groan, she scrambled to her to her feet and mashed herself against the closest bolder as if it were a barricade. At that moment, the light faded and the forest returned to pitch darkness.
"What was that?" She whispered through panting breaths, her back pressed firmly against the stone. "Was it a spirit? Please don't be in my head! Please don't be in my head!"
She waited, her body exhausted, her heart pounding and sweat and blood rolling down her face in streams. She listened for the calls of her enemies but didn't hear them. She watched for the colors of a glowing spirit but saw nothing.
She peeled her back off the stone and leaned forward to rest her elbows on her knees. "God! I'm so out of shape!"
Her mouth hung wide open as she struggled for air. A year and a half in the asylum had stolen her warrior's physique. Now her chest rose and fell like a bellow, like she was a meager, untrained nobody. She needed to catch her breath. There was no way she could start running again.
Free of immediate danger, for the moment, her thoughts switched back to the nights prior events.
That woman wasn't who was in my visions. She wasn't anything like mother! She was weak and forgetful! Old and… Kind...
She had Noriko pinned against the wall, the blue light of her flames shimmering in the scared woman's eyes. She could still feel her desire to hear her vicious mother try to lie to her, try to disarm her, try to use the power of a mother to delay her daughter and so give Zuko the time needed to destroy her, but her mother—Noriko—hadn't done those things. She had simply… Apologized to her, and told her…
"If what you say is true, if I really am you're mother, then I'm sorry I didn't love you enough."
Azula shut her eyes and touched her right hand to her cheek. She hadn't expected that. She stared back at the different-face woman, into those sad, fearful eyes of the woman who was looking at her and touching her like no one ever had, ever since…
Her actual mother.
Then Zuko ripped them apart and stole her chance to ever get answers.
Argh! Go to hell, Zuko! She mouthed the words silently and bared her teeth in a vicious snarl.
That woman was supposed to have been her mother. Her mother, who was supposed to have been conspiring against her and invading her mind. Her mother, who was supposed to have allowed her to suffer and rot in that dreadful asylum! Her mother, with a new face, with a new daughter! How could that possibly have been her?! Azula's mind spun, searching for the truth in the maelstrom of madness. How could she not remember me?! Ugh! She pounded her fists against her knees in frustration. It doesn't make any sense! She was SUPPOSED to have been haunting me! She raised her hands to her head, pressed her palms into her temples and gripped her hair.
I can't be crazy. What if… What if this was all just a ruse? By her?
Her eyelids flung open. She stared at the shadowed ground as the possibility gave her pause. Another lie to throw me off? That means mother is still out there, able to haunt me, able to see where I am, talk to Zuko about where to find me, but that face spirit… It KNEW her. It showed mother's real face! Did she… Did she really not remember me? Did… Did I… Did I really make this all up…?
"Yes," her mind whispered.
Her lower lip trembled. "No." She shut her eyes against the flood of new tears. She shook her head in denial. "No."
"You were wrong," the voice hissed.
"You are crazy."
"Insane."
"You deserve to be in chains."
The image of Zuko, standing over her with the Fire Lord's crown on his head, forced itself painfully on her mind
"I can help you!" He had called to her.
"So messed up," he had described her.
"For the rest of our lives," he concluded.
"You vile… Sinister… Traitorous, two-facedFIEND!" She whispered through her teeth and gripped her hair tighter as hatred and fury burned.
She wanted to kick and scream and lash out with her fire but she couldn't; that would only give her position away. Suddenly, several strands of her hair pulled free. Her stomach turned with disgust at the damage she had caused. She released the grip on her hair and clenched her fists at her sides instead.
The pressure inside her was building like magma in a chamber. She couldn't firebend, she couldn't scream, she couldn't destroy, so she let out a hoarse, barely audible screech from the back of her throat to vent the pressure. It hurt silencing herself. Her body shook from the effort. She was growing utterly exhausted.
If I really am your mother.
I've imagined all this.
The throne is my destiny.
I've imagined all this.
Her blood simmered. "The way they all gawked at me!"Two hot tears leaked through her eyelids and trickled down her cheeks. She returned to the safe silence of her mind. It was like they were staring at an ANIMAL! At a LUNATIC!
Memories of being chained to the metal grate underneath a blood-red sky flashed before her mind. Her heart shivered with terror. She let out a deep, shuddering breath and nearly convulsed in a sob. She swallowed repeatedly and clenched her teeth to save herself from crying. I can't get stuck here. I have to keep moving...
She tried to raise her right leg but it was heavy as lead. She couldn't lift it an inch.
"I can't run anymore," she gasped and gave up. She opened her eyes and glanced over her shoulder at the dark forest behind the boulder. "Maybe I've lost them…"
She sharpened her hearing and listened over the tops of her heaving gasps, over the noise of rushing blood and the pounding of her heart in her ears. She heard nothing. She faced back around.
The outlines and shadows of many large boulders were visible in the dim moonlight that filtered through the treetops. Most were taller than her. She could hide among them easily.
She crept forward slowly, softly, sliding her sore feet across the ground, feeling her way through the dark. Her fingers brushed the surface of another boulder. She moved past it and felt another, and another. She was in a field of them.
If I really am your mother.
She drifted through the array of tomb-like stones.
In my head.
I've imagined all this.
Her breathing was shallow and each heave of her chest brought splitting pain. Even the flanks of her back felt sore and bruised.
A new daughter.
I didn't love you enough.
You will always be my sister.
Her face twisted into a grimace. Her teeth chattered and her lower lip quivered.
I've imagined all this.
The throne is my destiny.
I've imagined all this.
She placed her hand on a boulder.
I can help you!
Its surface was coarse and warm.
I'm nothing to you.
She halted.
I'm nothing to you and mom.
She knelt down and probed the ground with her fingers. The ground around the boulder was dry save for the drops of tears that fell from her eyes like rain.
I want to help you!
I'm nothing to you.
From her crouched position, she tipped backwards against the stone, leaning her back against it and sliding down to sit on the ground. She took one last blurry look around. The boulders surrounded her like walls.
"I'm nothing to you," her final words to her half-brother echoed in her mind. "I'm nothing to you and mom."
She crossed her aching legs and curled into herself.
I'm nothing to you…
Her head bowed low and loose hair fell across her face.
I've imagined all this…
She wrapped her arms around her sides in a self-embrace.
I'm nothing to you…
She screwed her eyes shut.
… I'm nothing!
… And let herself to cry.
God, they probably think I'm a NUTCASE! She sobbed into herself hard. She clenched her teeth as she rode every painful convulsion in silence. Did she really lose her memory of me? Did she really know nothing about this? Oh, like it matters! Even if mother WAS dead, Zuko STILL would've beaten me! He STILL would've imprisoned me forever! Now he'll think I'm a murderer; an insane, bloodthirsty, crazy, monstrous MURDERER!
She kicked the ground in rage.
But it made sense! The voices, the visions… They were SUPPOSED to have been from mother! It was ALWAYS her voice and image! Why else do I hear voices? Why else do I see her when she's not there? I'm not crazy! I'm not! I can't be! I… I can't…
She hugged herself tighter.
How did Zuko beat me so easily? Why couldn't I land a single blow? Why is he beating me? Her sobs grew deeper. Why do I keep losing? Why?
With no options to defeat a frighteningly competent Zuko, with her body lying in the rubble and her mother out of reach and protected by her half-brother, how could things have possibly ended well for her? How could she possibly have won?
The truth.
The truth had been her protection. What luck that the right to rule could still be hers simply because it didn't belongto Zuko! But she was the one on the ground. If he had wanted to, Zuko could have taken the letter by force or even destroyed her with his flames, so she used the one thing that always worked on stupid, naive Zuzu: logic. Convince him that it was in both their best interests that he abdicate the throne to her and end their conflict peacefully.
And it would have been!
Zuko was the one who had gone on and on and on about his want for 'family' and his concern for her 'wellbeing' and respect for her 'dignity', even if it was all just empty platitudes. She would get her old life back and he would get the family he always wanted. They would never have to fight again. It wouldn't have mattered if she was wrong about her mother, or if she was, well, not well because she would have been Fire Lord. Everything that happened to her would have been erased. She'd return to the palace and never set foot inside a prison or that horrible institution again. It would have made everything right. It would have…
But Zuko defied logic that day. He declared he wouldn't give up the throne and that he never had any intention of doing so. It was Zuko, in the end, who had fooled her.
It was in that moment, with the ice baths and solitary rooms, strait-jackets and chi-blocked paralysis; with being manhandled daily and force fed to stay alive; with the shame and humiliation, the hopelessness and torture and despair of the asylum rasping down her neck that the need to escape, and only to escape, consumed her entirely.
"For her own good," Zuko would have said, just like the first time when he had her hauled away, in chains, at the hands of Imperial guards while the Fire Sages and other nobles looked on at what had become of their mighty princess. Her blood had turned to ice while lying in the rubble of that house in Hira'a. She would never accept that fate again. Last time, her wrists and ankles had been trapped by chains and she was forced to her fate. This time, her limbs had been free.
She would die before she fell again.
So she dropped the incriminating letter, hoping Zuko would go for it and not her, and in that moment of delay, give her the seconds she needed to escape.
"I can help you!" He had called to her as she ran for her life. "I want to help you!" He probably did want to 'help' her but she knew what that 'help' really meant: endless days of shame, humiliation and torture.
"Of course he would think that!" Azula whispered sharply, and nearly spat the words. 'Poor little sister,' she mocked her stupid half-brother in a sing-song tone. 'So insane and so useless! You really are out of your mind, aren't you? Pitiful, embarrassing, little decrepit monster. It's too bad you were born. It'd be better for me if you'd never existed, but I'm too good of a person to kill my own family, so I'll just let her rot away to nothing in an asylum! That will show people how merciful I am!'
She ground her teeth. "They probably think they're better than me!" She hissed. She squeezed herself tighter. "Just like last time!"
Then there was the topic of her mother.
"Oh right! That went completely nowhere! So am I being haunted or not? Is she working against me or not?! Am I crazy or not?!"
She had gotten no answers, no explanations, nothing to assure her that she wasn't a shameful nutcase but instead… That she was!
Why did mother have another family? Why did she have no idea who I was? WHY do I see her old face and her old clothes if it wasn't her?! Why do I see her at all?!
More confusion, more questions and never a chance to have any of them answered, all thanks to…
"Zuko," she growled, her voice low and full of venom. I bet he thinks this is all just fine; a member of the royal family having another family, another husband, another CHILD, another DAUGHTER to REPLACE ME!
Her head spun and her blood boiled.
What would all of this mean for the royal family? For the Fire Nation?
But it isn't fine! She shouted in her mind. None of this is!
She slammed both fists against the ground, the impact sending shockwaves of pain through her sore shoulders. It was agony: the crying, the sobbing, heaving, aching. It was growing hard to breath at all. She clenched her teeth again and raised her fists to the sides of her head."God, it hurts!" She gasped and shut her mouth to silence herself.
And so there she was, the princess of the Fire Nation, sitting on the ground in a backwater forest in the middle of the night, alone andmiserable, a failure before her father and country, bawlingher eyes out like a loser… Because that's what she had become: a loser.
During a lull in her sobs, she sniffled and wiped her eyes with the backs of her knuckles. Will Zuko make a fugitive of me? Will he slander my name? Will he tell everyone I tried to kill my mother? Should I have kept the letter?
"Pfft!" She scoffed aloud. What difference does it make?! Even if Zuko IS illegitimate, I already suffered ONE humiliating defeat at his hands, spent a year and a half in a mental institution and tried to kill my mother 'to make the voices in my head' go away! Oh god…
Her stomach turned ill and her body shivered.
It sounds even worse. It sounds even worse! She cried out in her mind.
Other inmates at the asylum heard voices in their heads too. They were nobodies with no reasons for it. What was her excuse?
She dropped her forehead into her hands and winced when she touched the wound from when she had struck the tree.
Nobody would have believed me anyway, even if I had the letter. Father had believed in me. He thought the best of me…
Her father had given her the chance to redeem herself. He must have assumed the 'rumors' about her weren't true.
And she had failed him… And proved them all true.
Bitter tears poured from her eyes. Nobody at the asylum believed me when I told them I was the one who won the Agni Kai, that it was that snow peasant who broke the rules and interfered on Zuko's behalf, that I was the one who burned Zuko with my lightning, that it was a coup against the crown and nothing more! Those rotten Fire Sages! Those rotten Imperial soldiers who bowed to Zuko as if he wasn't a traitor! I wasn't even burned! Everyone at the asylum seemed perfectly fine having Zuko as their Fire Lord… And seeing me ruined…
All of this was felt so, so familiar. The anger and confusion, the shame and crying that would never end. It was just like how it had been when she lost during the comet. A few days ago, her father had given her hope that she could redeem herself of her failures, that she could save her country from Zuko and his fiends, that she would never have to feel this way again. Yet here she was, experiencing it all over again. Nothing had changed.
She inhaled a deep, shuddering breath and released it just as slow.
Something had changed, though; these weren't new feelings for her. She had names for all of them: panic, fear, despair, misery and so on. She had experienced the different kinds of crying, too. It was as if she had become used to this.
"Used to this," she whispered under her breath.
Zuko was the one who always failed. He was the one who was used to failing, to being an embarrassment, to being nothing. Now she was the one failing. Now she was the embarrassment. Now she… Was nothing.
Her sobs faded and so did her tears. She breathed a long, weary sigh and leaned back against the boulder, resting her head against the hard surface.
"What am I supposed to do?" She whispered, her eyes still closed.
She swallowed and tasted the bitter saltiness of her tears mixed with blood. "Father is in prison, Zuko is the Fire Lord, the Avatar and his conspirators are on his side. What do I do? God, what do I do?" She tapped the back of her head against the stone in frustration and despair. What am I supposed to do?
She had asked these same questions in the aftermath of the comet. She had expected people to reject Zuko and rescue her, but as the weeks turned to months and the months turned to a year, she found herself becoming integrated into that horrible place as if she were any other prisoner. She wasn't the rightful Fire Lord to those people. She wasn't even the princess. She was just the Fire Lord's crazy sister. Nobody expressed displeasure with Zuko and the coup against her country. Not even a whisper. Nobody had helped her then, and certainly nobody would help her now.
… No, that wasn't quite true. Her father had tried to help her, a few days ago, when the circumstances had miraculously aligned. He had given her a chance to redeem herself, to set things right, to return to being the leader of the Fire Nation that she was born to become. He had believed in her and she had failed him. She had failed the Fire Nation… Again.
She gave a quiet groan that turned into a pitiful whimper. What will he think of me now? He's all I have. He's the only one who cares…
Her father's plan to use the letter to overthrow Zuko was probably the last chance she'd ever have. He had entrusted the defense of the Fire Nation to her and she had failed. He had entrusted her with saving the Fire Nation from Zuko and his cronies, and she had failed him… Again.
She sat there in the dark for a long time, until her breathing slowed, her sobs vanished and her tears dried to salty tracks on her cheeks. Though the familiar ache of sorrow gripped her spirit, her body was just too tired to keep crying. She knew this part would arrive eventually. It seemed her body had a finite reservoir of tears that, when drained, caused the crying to stop. She had emptied many reservoirs in the asylum.
And now she sat on the ground, drained and listless, empty of all tears. She listened to the scratching chorus of the insects, the peeping symphony of frogs and the array of other nighttime animals and remembered: she was alone in the middle of a dangerous forest, full of man-eaters and terrible spirits.
Her eyelids popped open.
What was she going to do? Just sit here until dawn feeling sorry for herself and hoping she wouldn't be found? And what if she did survive until morning? Then what? She wasn't outrunning anything tonight—that much was certain. Would she be spending the night in the forest? Would she be sleeping on the ground? What if they found her while she slept?
"Pull yourself together, Azula!" Her mind commanded. "You've done enough crying! You have to think now!"
She took a deep breath and sat straight, blinking away the lingering wetness from her eyes. "Things are worse for you than ever before and they're going to keep getting worse unless you figure out a plan!"
She brushed away the loose hair that had fallen across her face and looked up.
The tree tops were bright with moonlight. It was a clear night in autumn. It would be cold.
She looked down.
The boulders were black objects around her, like inky black voids. She felt well-sheltered among them, as if they were walls of a castle. She padded the ground around her with her hands, confirming that it was, indeed, dry dirt and not some gross forest junk crawling with centipedes, ants and worms. If she was going to spend the night in this forest, then it was going to be here, in this spot, hidden among the boulders. It obviously wasn't safe to be out here at all—she listened carefully for sounds of wolves, tigers, komodo rhinos, or worse—but she had no choice. She would rather face whatever creatures or spirits existed here than have Zuko and the Avatar find her.
And what if they did find her?
She gulped and her stomach clenched with dread. She was too depleted to have any chance of winning a firebending battle against any of them, never mind any sort of hand-to-hand fight, and Zuko could just redirect her lightning anyway. Hopefully they wouldn't find her, but if they did…
Her eyes narrowed and her face hardened in resolve. I will plunge a fire blade into my stomach and pull.
That would end her life in seconds. A minute at most.
She would die before she fell.
The defeated princess sighed and closed her bleary eyes. So if I make it to tomorrow, then what?
It was all a blur. She had no idea what the future held, if she even had a future. She just had to make it through the night. She'd start from there.
She leaned back against the boulder, finding hardly any comfort in its lumpy hardness. "What am I supposed to do?" She whispered to the heavens as if there was anyone—or anything—in the universe that actually cared, that was actually listening. Nothing was how it was supposed to be. Nothing. Not this world, not her country… Not herself.
Can you hear voices and not be insane?
She had humiliated herself in front of her brother… Again. He would return home and slander her before the royal court…. Again. To the Fire Sages… Again.
"What's wrong with me?" She whispered as the world faded away.
What's wrong with me?