Chapter 34

"Let's get married," Logan heard a giggly voice echo in his head, the rolling of the waves on that beach in Seychelles resonating in the background. He could remember the warm summer air against his skin, the sun, the scent of bergamont and vanilla blossoms in his nose.

Odette had uttered those words before, but now as she was saying it for the third time, they were finally about to walk in front of the officiant. Their tour guide was their witness - so much for involving only the most important people in their lives. But her bubbly character and his logic was a combination for decisions not understood by everyone, even if most of the time it made sense to them.

"You love me?" Logan asked, casually, having the past few hours had some second thoughts about the impulsive nature of this. Mostly he was just feeling guilty about the suddenness of this, and the absence of the people that mattered to him. In this moment he just needed some assurance, something more to support doing this than Brexit.

"Bien sûr que je t'aime," Odette chimed, being all touchy feely as she usually got when she was this euphoric, assuring that it was plain obvious she loved him. But both Logan and probably her too, knew that 'of course, I love you' said in this, slightly mocking, flirty, tone was very different from a serious 'I love you'. Besides, Odette threw around her 'I love you-s' to everyone she knew - her friends, family and co-workes, as well as her favorite shop assistants at Harrods.

"Okay, let's get married," Logan exhaled, and took a step off the boardwalk, sinking his bare toes into the softest sand. It was a decision made fairly easily, all things considered, as they were doing it for the sake of his daughter. It seemed logical, and Logan and Odette did have fun together, even if they weren't always joined at the hip, each having also their own lives - careers, friends, on occasion even flings - on the side.

"When are you going to take that ring off? It's been a year, Logan," Logan then heard his sister's voice resonate, transforming him into their family's house in Martha's Vineyard, where he'd been hiding out for the past few weeks in another moment in time. His company there had included a few visiting friends, his activities had included mostly sports and parties, a lot more drinking than would've been healthy, and eventually Honor walking in on him getting a blowjob from Walker, one of Honor's bridesmaids.

Honor had given him a scolding of his reckless behavior, leaving his kids with the nanny for weeks on end, partying so hard he'd made a number of magazines buzz about him. The lecture had already lasted closer to an hour. He wasn't usually willing to sit around for such lectures from his sister, but currently, unknowing exactly where his pants were, he just sat there on that couch with a comforter across his lap. His sister knew damn well how this might've been the only moment she had to make him talk.

"Why does that matter?" Logan remembered himself exclaiming at Honor, just wanting her to get out of his face.

"Because there's a healthy way to deal with loss, and then there's… this," she replied, sounding sad for him.

"I'll take it off when I take it off," Logan grunted.

"Have you called your kids at all?" Honor asked, more compassionately than angrily.

That did hit a cord with Logan. He could've even hidden behind the time zone difference or the fact that the one time he had, they'd all been asleep and he'd just ended up leaving them a message to listen to later. It was something, wasn't it?

"Just make up your mind, Logan… If you can't handle it. If you can't do what's right for them, just have them come live with me or something… we'll work something out. All you have to do is ask for help, Logan," Honor pleaded.

"You, with my kids?" Logan snorted, not believing his ears. But at the time he hadn't known about Honor's fertility issues, in fact, they'd never really talked about any of them wanting kids in the first place. In their family kids were just something that were expected, their raising rather calculated into dollars than time, knowing they had the opportunity of using a vast staff to help them take care of them. It was what they'd always known, but then again if anyone, it was the two of them, who should've known best what they'd been missing.

"I know you're hurting, Logan. Whatever this is… guilt or anger…, just talk to someone," Honor exhaled.

His mind swirled to another place in time and space.

"Logan, I love you. I promise to be your honest, faithful, and loving wife for the rest of my days," Logan recalled Whitney's timid voice reciting as they stood in front of hundreds of people, glammed up to the nines, and spending a fortune of their parents' money on the wedding. His tux felt a little too tight, his shoes too, wearing them for the first time. Nothing about this moment was exciting or comfortable.

With those words Whitney placed his wedding ring on his finger, the empire waist dress of hers hiding her growing bump just enough. Logan's eyesight adjusted its focus from the ring, rather to the bump, knowing there laid the reason they were doing this. Maybe they would've done this eventually, but certainly not now. But she was playing the Huntzberger wife role well enough as it was, and this had been the right thing to do rather than pay her off.

"With this ring, I promise that you'll never have to face the world alone. I promise to hold and keep you, comfort, protect, and shelter you, for all the days of my life"," Logan said, feeling like his words weren't living up to Whitney's expectations. But it felt the most genuine thing to say under the circumstances. He put her ring on her finger, but avoided direct eye contact, feeling how she might see the sadness in him.

The next moment Logan could smell the hospital - the scent of disinfectant and the metallic scent of blood, the squeaks of the linoleum floor were highlighted as someone passed him. Moments later, the deafening screams of a baby reached his ears - they were Theo's - the name having been picked out months ago. Theo continued to cry while the rushing of nurses began, Logan having been kicked out of the delivery room some 10 mintutes earlier. There was no mistaking something was wrong.

It was Theo's voice, shouting something at his brother - that Logan woke from his odd blended nightmare. There was indeed a similar pitch to it, even now 16 years and a couple of months later.

A couple of days had passed, and the kids had returned from Honor's.

Logan took several deep breaths before getting up, wanting to wash the negative sensations of the content of this dream out of his mind, that he was surprisingly remembering so vividly by this morning.

The shower helped. The text from Rory wishing him 'good morning' helped even more.

A couple of days had passed, and the kids had returned from Honor's.

But the lingering sensation of it did make him decide on something. He didn't want to deal poorly with those negative moments in his life. He needed to get over it, learn from it. Solve, whatever was left to solve. Even if part of the solution meant going back to a therapist. Not his first choice, but if nothing else helped… he was willing to try. For the sake of the kids, for the sake of Rory so he'd finally be able to express himself, to really let his guard down with her.

As he walked into the kitchen, seeing just his oldest son there, placing the dishes in the dishwasher, it hit him. He needed to talk to all of them separately.

"Morning," Logan said, and went to get a cup for his espresso.

"Hey," Liam said.

Logan went ahead to use the coffee maker, and the sound of it made casual small-talk a little challenging for a second. But his mind kept thinking what would be the good thing to say to him. He felt this would be the easiest with him, but he still needed to make sure he was okay with everything.

But it was Liam, who beat him to it just as the machine stopped.

"Listen, dad. I was thinking about going to check out some places in New Haven," Liam began, for someone who was most of the time very confident and self-assured, he sounded strangely hesitant to continue. "Could you come with me so I don't get ripped off or something?" he added.

"When?" Logan asked. The fact that he'd asked meant more to him than he'd expected, but he knew he needed to keep his enthusiasm in check.

"Tomorrow or Friday," Liam replied.

"I'll be there," Logan exhaled, wanting his son to relax.

"If it's too much trouble…," Liam began, almost as if regretting asking him.

"No, it's fine. I'd love to, actually. I don't think I've ever even taken you to Yale before. I'd love to show you around," Logan relented, giving him a hint of his excitement.

"Well, I have been there before. That class trip we took to the States, remember?" Liam reminded him.

"Oh, right. Of course," Logan replied, though he doubted any class trip had shown Liam the places he knew of. Hell - he still had the old master key to the campus somewhere, and unless they'd changed many locks, it was the key to some wonderful places and experiences for him.

"Okay, good. I'll set up some appointments then," Liam said, being strangely responsible for his age. It was perhaps one of those little things that Logan's absence had actually worked for Liam's benefit.

Liam walked out of the room, going on with his day, leaving Logan in the kitchen with his coffee cup, deep in thought. The opportunity to talk to Liam had been presented him on its own, but getting Theo and Eléa to open up, or even to hear him, was going to be much more difficult.