Chapter 8
Grace stayed in bed a few more days, getting up more and more easily but still feeling the pain of the incision. Eventually, inevitably, she had to return to work and pretend like everything was still OK. Well, she didn't' have to pretend but she was choosing to do so because she didn't want to talk to anyone about what she was going through and she'd been working with her head down until she heard his voice.
"We missed you," Jungkook announced as she looked up, assuming his regular position against her desk, crossing his arms as he glanced over her. "But you look like you had a hard weekend."
"Are you saying I look like crap Jungkook," Grace said, frowning at him.
"You could never look like crap Grace but you do look tired. Not sleeping well?"
There was no hidden meaning or innuendo in his question which surprised her enough to raise an eyebrow. "I've slept better but I'm OK."
"Good, good," he answered although he eyed her up and down, not looking like he necessarily believed her. She hoped her manager had stayed true to their word and not mentioned what was going on with her health. She didn't want people talking about her behind her back.
"I was only gone less than a week," she continued glancing up at where he was standing looking down at her. His eyes were pretty like they always were but softer today for some reason.
"It felt longer," he replied, crossing his legs at the ankles like he intended to stay a while.
"Do you need something Jungkook," she asked. As much as he was an interesting distraction, his banter always enjoyable even if she pretended it wasn't, she had a lot to catch up on, still wasn't feeling great so was moving slower than normal and had another appointment in a few days so would be taking a few hours off then. She couldn't afford to get caught up in chatting, even to a colleague as hot as Kook was.
"Hmmmm, interesting question. I always do from you."
She turned sharply back to look at him, taking in the tone of his voice. It was back to being flirty and it's not like he hadn't been flirty before but now it was very noticeable. "Unless what you need is to take a pile of my paperwork to your desk to complete for me then I'm sure you have somewhere else to be."
"That's not what I need but I'll take the hint. You're busy. When you're curious about what I need from you, come find me," and he winked, took his sexy muscly, tattooed arms and went back to his desk, sauntering like he owned the place. She did love to watch him walk but he walked really differently to Namjoon who strode in an easy way, long legs often hard to keep up with. Unless he was at an art exhibition or museum and then he walked painfully slowly, taking in every single piece on display.
Grace turned back to her computer, clicking into the next file she needed to finalise, not even registering that she had compared her office crush to one of her best friends.
"You can open your eyes when you're ready," Doctor Katherine said and Grace nodded but kept them closed. She knew what to expect, she'd been told how much flesh they'd taken off the breast, how clean the scar was and how well it was healing but she still wasn't quite in a place to accept it yet. But, she couldn't keep them closed forever and with Sara's words of encouragement she opened one eye and then the other, blinking as her bare skin came into focus.
The scar itself sat under her breast, taking up the whole width of it, still looking angry, wider than she was expecting. And her breast, well. It was smaller now, a chunk taken off the bottom, making her look lopsided and for her previously fairly normal looking breast to look misshapen. Especially when you compared it to the untouched one on the other side. She thought they pretty much matched before but they didn't now.
There was silence in the room and she knew they were waiting for her to say something so she looked up with a small smile, eyes beginning to water. "Well, it doesn't look infected."
That was all she could manage. Grace couldn't say it looked good, because it didn't. It wasn't worse than she was expecting but it wasn't better. Just seeing it made her realise, her body wasn't really hers now, medicine was going to be taking over and fixing whatever was going wrong inside of herself and it all felt a little out of control.
She didn't realise she was properly crying until the doctor pressed a tissue into her hand. "It's OK to cry Grace, it can be a shock the first time. But from a medical point of view, everything is looking exactly as we'd hope at this stage."
"Well, that's a good thing, right Grace," Sara prompted gently, rubbing her back and Grace was grateful she'd been able to come with her today. Now that her parents had gone back home after spending almost the whole of each day with her while they were there, she had been feeling a little on her own again.
"Yeah, if you say it's looking good, I believe you. I'm sure you did a fantastic job doctor-nim, please don't think I'm being ungrateful. It's just..."
"Different? It will settle, the scar will fade a lot over time and the amount we took off and location means you won't need to pad out that side of your bra unless you really want to."
"So when do I start chemo then?" She really just wanted to get it done now.
"We'll book another appointment for one week and then it's likely you'll start the following week," the doctor advised.
"OK, I'm ready for it," Grace answered although she didn't mean it. She wasn't truly ready for any of it.
The chemo was kicking her butt. Sara had been there for her after the first session but Namjoon was bringing her home from the second one and the car ride felt long, his glances not unnoticed but his attempt at keeping things light gratefully received. Namjoon let her choose the music in the car without even rolling his eyes when she picked KPop and he took her hand, rubbing it between his when she mentioned they felt weird.
"Weird like how," he said, making sure to give them a gentle rub when they stopped at the lights.
"Weird like tingly and cold and achy. It's hard to explain," Grace answered with a sigh. She felt so tired and it wasn't just her hands that felt weird.
"I'm not hurting you am I," Joon asked, stilling his motions in case he was part of the problem.
"No, it's fine, I think it helps actually," and Grace leant her head against the window as they drove through the streets, Namjoon leaving them connected.
As they came in the door, she was walking a lot slower than normal, Joon taking all of her bags despite her protests that she was 'fine.' He could tell that wasn't true, quietly and calmly holding her close to him as they walked, reaching for her keys to unlock the door so she could get in from the cold.
"Do you want anything to eat Gracie," he asked, putting her things on the kitchen counter and turning to see how she was leaning on the door frame, eyes a little red as she watched him. It was making his insides revolt at how small she looked standing there when her presence had always been so big and bright around him.
She was weak, he could see it on her face and the way her hands shook a little as she shook her head no. "You need to go to bed and rest then Grace," he said softly, watching her nod slowly in return. Taking her hand, he walked into the bedroom, tossing the covers back as she sat down. Kneeling in front of her, he took off her shoes, putting them to the side to put at the front door later but he left her socks on to keep her warm as she seemed to be shivering. He wasn't sure if it was from the cold or the chemo drugs but he wanted her to feel cosy. "Can you sleep in what you're wearing?" The sweatshirt seemed bulky and uncomfortable and he wasn't sure if it would hinder her rest. She shook her head but didn't make any move to take it off. "I can help with that," he said and stood up. Reaching down, he carefully took the zip down, sliding the sweatshirt off her shoulders and down her arms
.
"My Pjs," she croaked out and he handed her the water bottle from the side of the bed, holding it as she drank a little, hands still shaking before searching under her pillow. He pulled out a top and held it up for her, questioning if it was the right one. She blinked at him a few times, seeming a little out of it but he took that as a yes. But now he second guessed himself before taking a breath and asking another question. "Can you, ah, do this part on your own?" She shook her head and he looked down, closing his eyes a little before stoically carrying on. She was his friend and he'd said he would do anything for her, even if this was starting to make him really uncomfortable. But when he looked up and saw her eyes were shiny with unshed tears, he rushed to reassure her, never wanting to see her cry.
"It's OK Grace, I can help, I don't mind," and he moved behind her a little to try and ease the feeling that this wasn't normally how they saw each other, helping her to take her arms out of the t-shirt she was wearing. Her PJ top was extra soft in his hand and smelled like lavender and he wondered if it felt soothing to her when she wore it. But her hands came up to reach for the clasp on her bra, wanting to take that off to sleep too, fumbling and dropping uselessly to her side. He cleared his throat, knowing it was better to just plow on as if this was all OK even though he never though he'd find himself in this situation and didn't want to make things worse for her.
"I'm just going to do that for you," he said quietly, grazing his fingers lightly on her skin above the clasp so it didn't surprise her, feeling it give under his touch and heard a light hiss as the cups fell from her breasts. He'd kept his eyes firmly up and away from her chest but he quickly stilled at her noise, checking her face. "I'm sorry, are you OK?"
"It still aches a little from the surgery," she said, each word a little laboured. "But it's OK."
"No it's not," he answered, knowing she was just on the edge of tears and being too strong in that moment.
"No, it's not," she echoed as they spilled down her cheek a little and she tried to lift her hand to wipe them away, anger flaring briefly on her face before she looked too tired to even keep up that expression anymore. "It's not and I hate it. The scar, it's so ugly."
"I'm sure it's not Gracie," he whispered, still not daring to look anywhere but at her face but wanting to look away from the pain he saw there.
"It is and I'm just, I'm so mad at the world right now Joonie," she answered, wrapping her arms around her stomach, holding herself tightly, trying to hold herself together. She looked so vulnerable, so small and he just wanted to show her that she was still her.
Sinking to his knees in front of Grace, he did what he needed to do in that moment, for her and for himself. He stepped over the line he'd drawn between them, lowered his eyes and looked at her body properly for the first time, heart galloping so fast in his chest. There was an angry scar, mostly healed under the left breast, long and wider than he was expecting. That breast was also missing a piece on the bottom, cut away when the cancer was removed making it slightly smaller than the other. Reaching for her hands, he gently pulled them away from her stomach, kissing the backs of them as they curled around his.
"It's not ugly Grace," he said, looking back into her eyes, keeping his gaze steady on hers.
"They don't even match anymore," she answered and it came out more like a wail, stilted but distressed.
"Most breasts don't match."
"Oh, seen quite a few have you," she managed to tease out, even in her pain, even through her tears.
"Enough to know that yours are great. The scar is almost healed and it will fade. Gracie, it's going to be OK."
"I just don't feel pretty anymore," she said, pulling her hands from his, one wiping at her face, the other clutching onto herself again.
"Can I just do one thing, tell you one thing? Say it once and then maybe never say it again but at least you've heard it?"
She looked at him through her wet eyes and nodded.
"This," he said, tentatively reaching to trace the scar, so gentle he barely touched it, "this does not define you. And I've said it before. No real man will think anything differently about it. Maybe they'll even love you more because your perfection is hard to compete with."
"Perfection," she scoffed at his words but there was a shiver that ran over her whole body at his touch. "Maybe you could pretend to think that if you'd seen me when I was whole."
"Gracie, hear me when I say this." His hands came to rest on her hips, the skin bare still and weirdly neither of them were bothered about that anymore, inhibitions forgotten. "I think you're still perfect," and he held her eyes a moment longer before he leaned down, gently, carefully pressing his lips to her scar. He felt her intake of breath and if he could've seen her face he'd have known she closed her eyes in that moment, feeling the softness flow through her skin. His mouth lingered there and when he pulled away, returning his eyes to hers, he could see the hint of a smile on her lips.
"You think I'm perfect," she asked as he reached to help her put the PJ top over her head.
"Don't make a big thing about it. I just got caught up in the moment," he answered, a blush on his cheeks now creating a dusting of pink against the lightness of his skin. They couldn't cross back over into pretending that moment hadn't happened, even if they did gloss over it. At least, he wouldn't be able to.
She was settled back in the bed now, laying against the pillow and Namjoon tucked the blankets up around her. "Thank you Joonie," she said, yawning.
"I'm just going to hang out in the lounge for a bit in case you need me, OK?" Moving a plastic container next to the bed in case she felt sick again, he looked down at her, reaching to move some hair off her face.
"Mmmmhmmmm," she answered, closing her eyes as he went to step away. "Namjoon," she called after him and he stopped to look back at her. "Thank you for being here for me and," she paused, taking a breath before she finished her sentence, sleep so close to the surface that her words came out slow and a little slurred, "I think you're perfect too."
He breathed quickly in through his nose at her words, let them ease through his chest before he let the breath out, listening to the puffs of air coming from between her lips as she slipped into sleep.
Closing the door behind him he walked into the kitchen to pour a drink, water running forgotten from the tap as he got lost in what had happened, leaning onto the counter and gripping it firmly. Because, although he never expected to see Grace's body today, it made him realise something, something he needed to admit to himself. She meant far more to him than he even could've believed and he had no idea what that meant for their friendship.
Namjoon – Diary Entry
I've been kidding myself that Grace is just a friend and now I'm second guessing how long I've been hiding that from myself. I saw her breasts today and it didn't trigger what I would've expected in that situation. All I wanted to do was hold her, tell her how perfect she was and I really didn't want to let her go. I kissed her scar?! What was I even thinking crossing that line? She didn't seem disgusted but what if she thought I was taking advantage of the situation? I'd never live with myself if she thought that. She's always been one of my best friends and I want to be with her through this whole, horrible cancer journey. But I know now she's not just a friend and I don't know what to do with those feelings as I can't lose her. What a mess, I'm a mess. Today was a moment that I couldn't have predicted but have I laid out my feelings too bare as I know there is no retreat from them now?