TW - Anxiety and Depression.
I don't own HTTYD and the characters. Only the story is mine.
This one-shot is based on a story I wrote called 'Dandelions.'
They were in Hiccup's apartment or theirs as it used to be.
He whispered to his sleeping baby niece that he was babysitting tonight, "So welcome, Ashley. This is our home." Hiccup's voice was lost as she reached years back in her thoughts to the first time they bought this apartment and moved in together. She dabbed her cheeks and attempted to look normal as she schemed to today.
Oh, she'll kill Elsa for forcing her to babysit her daughter with Hiccup.
Hiccup set the car seat with Ashley sleeping in it by the couch, then crushed on the couch with a loud wail. It takes him 2 hours to visit The Frosts, that's why he never did before. Luckily, he chose today to go and eventually met his Milady.
"You kept the apartment?" She walked upstairs to the apartment, and she figured out he did, but it was nonetheless unbelievable.
Hiccup scraped his stubble and shrugged. "I couldn't let go."
No, she didn't want to question him, but she did. "Why not?"
"Just cuz." He finished off and shut his eyes; Astrid comprehended he wanted to say so much, but he didn't. She didn't know if she should be thankful or miserable over his soft and short answer.
Hiccup heard the knees popping when Astrid crouched down to play with the black cat on the floor, begging for attention as always—this big baby.
He opened his eyes and swelled with tenderness at the sight of Astrid caressing Toothless's dark, thick black fur. This was the same view he had seen numerous times in his life. His cute pet and the most enchanting woman to step on earth, who he once had the honour to call his girlfriend and Fiancé.
Astrid sat on the chair, placed him in her lap, and beamed. "I see, so you have missed me. Well, you'll be delighted to know Stormfly has missed you!" Toothless saw her smirk. "And I think you have missed her too! Don't you dare deny it?" If Toothless were a human, he'd be blushing right now.
The cat purred, wobbled his head, and gave a look at what the ex-couple called 'A Gummy Smile.'
"Oh yeah, he has," Hiccup broke in, ruining Astrid's cute moment with Toothless. It was a reunion, and the cat hissed while Astrid threw a massive glare toward him. He glanced at Astrid and continued, "He missed you immensely."
Astrid had a hunch Hiccup was speaking about himself because of the lovesick face he made that only belonged to her, but she kept her gaze normal at the cat. "Oh, has he now? You missed me, Toothless?" The cat's green eyes brightened, hearing his name, and shoved closer on her lap.
Hiccup kept talking, having no motive to stop anytime soon. "He hasn't been the same since."
Astrid shrugged, holding her cries in. "I think he'll be ok without me." But she wouldn't be.
Hiccup pressed himself further on the couch and locked his eyes again. "He loves you."
She groaned, running her fingers deep into Toothless's fur. "It's best if he moves on."
"You don't know how intensely he loves you," He repeated. "It's not as easy as you think." It's not easy to move on from your soulmate, first and true love.
Sometimes, you never. And Hiccup will never.
They were talking about each other, they figured out, but why were they so scared? "It's not easy, I agree, but believe me." Astrid stared at her lap, and her burning hot tears fell on the cat's fur. "Toothless will find someone he loves. He'll move on and get someone he deserves. A person who doesn't leave him in the middle of the road of nowhere, someone who'll forever be there for him and stay devoted without...without any fear of abandonment."
"Astrid-" Hiccup was wide awake, in his senses, crouched in front of her with his worried-filled gaze.
She lowered her head and sealed her eyes, her chin touching her chest. "Toothless won't be lonely; he'll find someone as amazing as he is, as gorgeous as he is, as caring as he is...He'll find someone like him, believe me," She allowed more tears to drop. "A perfect person that belongs with him and deserves him."
"He already did, but due to some unknown reason, she walked away, and he's waiting for her." Pushing the head up with his index finger under her chin, he looked into Astrid's ocean-sky eyes; he wanted to dive into them. "Even till the end of his life, he'll wait for her."
This time, she glimpsed at him and talked about them, finally finding the guts to "Hiccup."
"Oh, to hear my name from your lips; it's a blessing from Freya." He cupped her cheek and brushed a hand over her purple-red lips that let out his name. He yearned to savour her lips.
Astrid shook her head and cleared her throat, looking vulnerable, tears rushing down her face. "You deserve a perfect person like you, even more than you, which will be hard, believe me."
"I already have, and oh trust me, she's way more perfect than I am. The most perfect girl to ever step on Earth."
She flinched in a pang. "Oh really?" So he did find somebody; of course, he did; she was gone for nine months. A person could have a baby at that time. Ashley was an example.
Hiccup could've cracked up at her absurdity; she assumed the unbelievable. "Yes, and she has golden wavy smooth hair, blue eyes to die for, a cute round face, rosy cheeks, and a flawless body. She is beautiful inside out."
Now she knew he was talking about Astrid Hofferson herself. "Find someone else. I don't like her." Her arms intersected.
She could've turned red from head to toe if it was a typical situation where they'd be cuddling on the couch and flirting with each other. "I can't; there's...there's no one like her."
"If you mean broken, filled with childhood and relationship trauma, and who has commitment issues. Then yeah, there's no one like her." She gulped and stared at him but also dared him to say anything that offended her.
Hiccup laughed, and she offered him a puzzled look that wasn't what she expected. "Nope, I mean her drop-dead beauty; she's so strong that despite all her trauma she survived, she suffered so much emotionally and...physically," Astrid noticed how much ache and outrage was over his face when he looked at her body which once was covered with bruises, "But she's fucking perfect! Yes, she has commitment issues, but I totally understand who wouldn't if they had been through so much."
"Hiccup, please stop. You know I'm not all that."
"She's also a big fool, but I never say it to her face because I'm so very much scared of her." Astrid let out a tiny chuckle at his words. "The biggest idiot because she believes she's imperfect. If only she saw herself through my eyes."
Astrid flicked his forehead carefully, not wanting to disturb the asleep cat in her lap. "You are still a sap, I see."
"Only for The Astrid Hofferson"
She moaned and cried, so done with life. "What do you want from me, Haddock?" She can't live with this uncertainty.
"To be mine." The pupils dilated when he said with such sincerity.
"I can't, and you know that."
"Give me one solid reason, and as much as it hurts, I'll walk away," She was nearly to tell, but he lifted a finger. "But it better be a good reason." He knew there was no reason because she was a Goddess.
Astrid snorted sarcastically. "I've only hurt you, Hiccup. I turned you away when you tried to ask me out. For two damn years! During our courtship, I kept pushing you away, and then when you proposed...I...I ran away." She looked away, very ashamed of her doings.
Frustrated, He responded, "I chose to; it's not your fault."
"If you stay with me, I'll run away again. It's not fair to you that you have to suffer because of me! I am broken, alright, and I don't...I deserve to be alone."
The exact words he had said before, if only her stubborn head would comprehend them, "I chose to! And it's not your fault," He declared with more frustration. "Also, never call my Astrid broken again."
He picked up Toothless and put him on the chair. He hesitated at first but did the same for Astrid. He carried her in his arms and headed towards the couch and almost cried doing so. Holding her again was all he dreamed of. He gently placed her on the couch, and he sat far from her, an arm's length in between them.
"I am broken! I don't deserve love. I left you, and then, and then I did the same to Elsa. I don't deserve anyone. I need to be left alone. I should be alone. Always." She leaned back on the couch and deeply pressed a hand over her chest as if she was getting sick.
Hiccup went into alarm mode; he knew she was getting an anxiety attack. "Astrid-"
"Go away!"
"Astrid!" No, it was not the time to argue. "Just take deep breaths, and here, hold my hand." Hiccup extended his arm, and as much as he wanted to hold her, he couldn't.
He'll wait for her and do what she wants, like ever, but instead of holding onto his hand, she draws him in a tight hug. "Make it stop. Everything's spinning Hiccup, and my chest it's...Make it stop!"
He held onto her with everything as if his own life depended on it, which at the moment did "Remember Milady deep breaths. Do we need to go to the Emergency?"
"No, no, just hold me." She hugged him tighter. "Always be happy and make sure Elsa's happy too."
"Astrid, don't say that!" Whenever she got an attack, she'd say this as if she would die, and he knew she wouldn't, but every damn time, he got frightened.
She murmured in his chest, but the words came out weirdly, and it was hard to figure out, but he did. "I'll always love you."
He let her clutch his shirt's collar and push herself into his chest in a fetal position. He coiled his arms around her torso and held her, reminding her to take deep breaths. Toothless, noticing something was off, jumped on the couch and placed himself by her back as if giving some support. Luckily, Ashley was asleep, so Hiccup only had to look after one.
Astrid rubbed her forehead and cried out piercing ears, "Thor! Hiccup, stop this; it hurts!"
He pulled away from her and asked frantically, "Where, Milady? Where does it hurt, babe?" He had unknowingly called her that, and she let it pass as she was not in her senses.
"Everywhere. My back, my head, my stomach, and ouch." She punched her chest hard and was going to do it again, but he grabbed her hand. "My chest hurts a lot. It's like there's tons of weight on it, and I can feel my heartbeat in my whole body. Hiccup," She screamed like a baby, throwing a fit in his arms. "Make it stop, babe."
Hiccup's heart fluttered at the nickname but shattered seeing her in pain. "Come closer and take deep breaths. It'll pass." He felt so helpless; he could only watch her hurt from far away and could do nothing.
He wanted to take her away to a place where only they were, away from misery, sorrow, and trauma. He desired to kill that asshole Hunter and her parents. He imagined what Astrid would be like if she had a happy life. Not that she wasn't perfect already, she is, but she wouldn't be getting these horrible attacks.
He felt helpless. He could do nothing but only watch her in pain.
"Make it stop, babe," And there she said that word again.
Hiccup ran his hand on her back up and down, trying to soothe her. "I'm here, love," he embraced her harder. "And this time, I'm not going away, you hear that? Don't you dare leave."
Astrid was glued to him and didn't want to leave but said, "I'll only hurt you."
"Whoever the hell told you that, I want you to throw this disgusting thought away. You've never ever hurt me before, and you never will." Taking a bold step, he kissed her on the crown of her head.
She cried harder.
It was awkward.
After around an hour, Elsa decided to pick up Ashley from her friend's apartment.
"I'm leaving, and you guys have a good night." Elsa clutched Astrid and waved at Hiccup with Ashley in her arms; she left the apartment.
There was silence.
An uncomfortable silence.
Astrid snatched her purse from the chair she was sitting at. "So I'll be leaving now; it was...it was nice to see you, Hiccup."
Hiccup sped towards Astrid, stopped her, and towered to her, "You aren't going anywhere."
Astrid swallowed, fluttering at their closeness; it got her all sweaty. "We were supposed to babysit Ashley together; she's gone, so I might as well be gone too."
He repeated with flat lips and cupped her cheek, "You aren't going anywhere."
"Hiccup, I need-"
"For God's sake, Hofferson!" Astrid leaped at the change in his tone. "Can't you see me? Look at me! I'm going crazy without you. These last nine months, I don't know how I survived. And now that you're back, I'm not letting you go, not for anything."
Astrid examined every inch of his body, and he was right; he looked like a mess. "What do you want from me?"
He grunted and shifted back, tugging his hair in frustration and whatnot. "Do you not know the answer?"
"I don't." It was a lie, a very laughable lie.
Now that she provided him with her concentrated attention and really, really scrutinized him, he had changed so much in numerous ways. "Marry me, Astrid."
Her jaw plunged, and her purse fell on the floor with a tiny thud by the entrance door, where she stood. "No. I should've said no before, but I didn't...So no"
"Why the sudden change? You were so happy during our relationship; why are you suddenly pushing me away? Is it marriage? Because if so, you don't have to marry me; we can remain boyfriend and girlfriend, or whatever it is you want to call us. I want to be with you in any way, no matter the title," Hiccup kept rambling; he didn't want to stop talking, ever.
Astrid seized a profound breath. Oh Lord, this was going to be a very, very long argument; that she was so unprepared for. "Do I not have a choice? You can't force me to date you."
"Not if you're running away." That got her speechless, as he wished, so he carried on. "I love you; you know that." He glimpsed at the tears in the corner of her eyes. "You love me too; I know that."
"I don't." Astrid didn't look him in the eye; both knew she fibbed.
He figured it was time, to be honest with her and make her realize what was right. "You need someone to take care of you."
Her chin trembled, and her eyes surveyed the room, glimpsing at everything but him. "No, I don't, and what are you, my caretaker?"
"Everybody needs somebody, and I'll need you too; with my...leg, you know." He gestured to his legs, or leg to be accurate. He remembered how much she had wept, after his Ferris wheel accident, that amputated his leg.
It was a pain-filled memory for Astrid; she ultimately looked at him, and her dense tears fell when she blinked. "I'll need you more than you need me."
He took a step forward and murmured softly. "It's okay; that's how relationships work. Sometimes, you'll need me more, or I'll need you more. It's fine."
"It'll mostly be me." She muttered and once again looked away. She had trouble making eye contact with him, mainly because she knew if she did, she'd fall harder for him.
Hiccup unexpectedly embraced her; his chin relaxed on her head, digging into her soft blonde hair. "I don't care; as long as I have you, nothing matters."
She fisted his chest harder and harder, trying to push him away, but his stubbornness caused it hard to. "It's not fair to you, Hiccup."
"It's not fair to you too. You're pushing me away because you have this stupid belief made up that I deserve better when it's you! You deserve so much, so, so much better than me. Look at me; I'm a scrawny, timid loser who's missing a leg."
Astrid swatted his chest harder and flashed daggers at him. "Don't say that about yourself. Don't you dare talk about my Hiccup like that."
"Then don't you dare talk about my Astrid like that too. Now you know how it feels, don't you?" He had a lopsided grin at 'my hiccup.'
"Hiccup-"
If she could be persistent, he would be too. "I want to be there for you, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. I want all of you, Astrid, all of you. Your snorty laughs, your tears, your punches, your anger, your warmth, your comfort; I want the whole package, Astrid." He kissed her forehead. "I'll be there for you no matter what."
She sighed and dug her head deep into his neck. "I can't ask you to do that."
"You didn't." He grinned and passed her a smile that was just reserved for her. It was a smile that meant forever. Its meaning can't be put into words.
Her head jerked up, and she deeply thought for a good long few seconds, deciding what to do and what not to do. She knew what she wanted forever.
It was him.
The Hiccup Haddock.
But it was selfish to keep him.
"No, we can't be together." She drew away and picked up her purse from the floor; this time, she wouldn't stop. She'd leave him forever; as much as it hurt her, she would. It's for the best.
Hiccup yelled at her from his spot, frozen out of shock, to even move. "You are a selfish, vicious woman."
She stopped in her tracks. "Is that what you think of me?"
He yelled again, "Yes!"
"You son of a half-troll eati...You asshole!" She ran back to him and hit him with her purse, flying in the air with each move. "Selfish? If I were selfish, I would still be with you right now. I'm not selfish, far from it; oh, Thor, six years...and you don't know me."
"Then why?" He would take as many hits as she'd give him, but he wanted an honest answer; that made sense.
She pointed at him and herself, back and forth, making an effort to put her thoughts into words. "I love you so fucking much, Haddock, and that is why I have to let you go."
"Bullshit! It makes no sense." He blinked.
She facepalmed; of course, it wouldn't go to his dumb head. "Look at us; we have been in the house for three hours, and all we've done is fight, and you had to help me with my anxiety attack."
He remained confused. "Yeah, so?" It hurt her more to think he was getting used to it and considered it normal.
"I have chronic anxiety and depression. I'm a toxic person. I'm doing you a big favour by walking away, so you don't have to live with this," She signalled to herself with her hands, all of her. "Living with me will be torturous all the time; I'll push you away, my anger outbursts, my random attacks, my trauma, having the constant fear that I'll run away again, and Odin knows what else."
"Astrid-" He took a great breath and wanted to smack himself for being so insensitive and craved to take his words back, but unfortunately, it was too late.
She was crying freely; the waterfalls down her face, she had disclosed all her insecurities. "So there you go. I'm pushing you away because I don't want you to suffer. I'm letting go of my true love, my once-in-a-lifetime chance to be happy, just because I don't want you to suffer, and you...you call me selfish."
Hiccup moved his hands in random directions and ran his hand down the face, ashamed and not knowing what to say and how to put it. "I'm sorry, Astrid, I'm sorry, Milady. I don't know what to do. Maybe we could do Therapy?"
He looked up, hoping for an answer, but she was gone.
Astrid had left the apartment.
Regrets.
What have I done?
No, he can't let her go this time.
He took a grip on himself and ran out of the apartment, not even shutting the door behind him. She was walking to her car in the parking lot, and her hand movements to wipe the tears could be seen clearly in the dark. The whole neighbourhood could hear the loud sobs.
And briefly, it had begun raining.
"Be selfish!" He yelled from where he stood a few meters away from her.
A hand was on the door handle; she turned around. "What?"
He took a tiny step forward, thinking very hard before making any move. "I said be selfish."
"What?" She remained puzzled at this ridiculous saying. Her blue orbs shone in the dark, and elegantly, the raindrops slipped off her eyelashes.
Another step forward. "You said back in the apartment that you didn't want to be selfish." Rain droplets were flying in his mouth when he opened his lips to utter the exact words, "Be selfish."
It all added up and made sense to the Hofferson now. "Why are you so God damn stubborn?! Why can't you let me go?"
"Because you're intoxicating! You're an addiction to me, Astrid."
She froze. "Hiccup?"
He stood in front of her. "These soft hands." He feathered her hands with his fingertips.
"Hiccup, what are you-"
He touched her rain-wet lips, and it sent shivers down her spine. "Your lips, when they say my name, it does things to me, Milady."
She blinked at him, and her eyes widened. "Stop."
"And these gorgeous to die for ocean deep eyes. When I look into them, I feel safe; I feel at home." He stared into her eyes, and they both felt butterflies in their stomachs.
"Hiccup." She was flabbergasted.
His lips attacked hers.
"You're a goddess, Milady," He said each word between their kisses.
Astrid didn't react at first, stunned, but she slowly surrendered to the urge to kiss him and devoured his lips. Her hands moved on his face, pushing herself closer to him, and his roamed her body, all her curves, and finally rested on her bottom back.
He shoved her backwards, and she didn't care about the bruises appearing in a few hours from the hard exterior of the car. She wrapped her legs around him, and soon, they had gotten into dominant combat, just like always.
She desired him, longed for every inch of his body, and he craved her like he never did before.
Nine months.
That's how long they were apart.
After a few minutes, they drew back with a string of saliva falling, and the heavy, hot breaths on each other's faces turned them even more on. She stood straight, legs coming off his torso, and he removed his hands from her lower back.
They were a messy pair, shirts wrinkled and puffy hair tangled.
They were thoroughly drenched in the rain by now. Now, all they heard was the raindrops hitting the ground of the empty parking lot and the distant noise of the cars driving; nonetheless, it was pin-drop silence for the ears.
Out of breath, they uttered at the same time, "I'm sorry," And peeked at each other as if getting a flashback of some sort
The classic sass was evident in Hiccup's voice. "Well, that reminds me of our first kiss."
"But this time, it's you who attacked me." Astrid blushed and punched his shoulder, and he was expecting that punch. He invited it with a grin.
"Payback, I guess. I love this kinda payback, though."
The grin on his face brightened, recalling that lucky day he got his first kiss from the Goddess he worships. It was a lovely afternoon, and she was so frustrated with the sexual tension between them that she leaped on him, kissing him while he froze. He kissed back as shortly as she was nearly to let go in embarrassment with the same force.
On that lovely afternoon when they let go, they both said "I'm sorry." simultaneously.
She had come back after revisiting the lovely memory. "I need to go. This shouldn't have happened." His face dropped. His smile turned upside down like his world.
He pulled her back with her hand with a stern face. "Not this time"
Her eyebrow arched, challenging him, "You think you can stay with me?"
"Yes!" He yelled; he was tired of repeating it again and again. "I proposed to you! I knew I wanted you, all of you, forever. Oh, Thor Astrid."
She groaned and fell into his arms. "There's no backing out. You won't let me go no matter how hard I try?"
"No"
"Then we're both stuck with each other, I guess." She finally understood she couldn't run away from him.
"Gladly, Milady!" He pecked her forehead and inhaled the rosemary smell of her hair.
She chuckled and kissed the scar on his chin, which she reached without tiptoeing. "I tried leaving...but I forgot how stubborn you are." Her face cringed, realizing something. "It doesn't mean I've changed. I'll try to run away again, and my he-"
"I'm going to stop you right there, Milady, because from now on, we don't talk like this, and even if you leave me again and move to a goddamn made-up planet, I'll get you back from there too."
She lightly swatted his chest. "You're unbelievable."
He pushed her face up and looked into her eyes with the most honest and painful look ever. "There'll always be a Hiccup and Astrid."
She smiled for the first time and nodded. "Also, babe."
"Hmm?" He asked, giving her his full attention.
She brushed her finger on his mustache. "If you want to kiss me again, this has to go."
"As you say, Milady." He checked and rubbed his nose with hers.
And this time, she won't run away.
They kissed in the rain, and a serene breeze surrounded them.
Astrid was still broken, but maybe this time, she would let Hiccup be there for her.