Fade Until I'm Gone
Author's Note: Um. Read at your own risk. xDXD I cried 250 words into it, and haven't stopped since.
Also, Fireborn by Derivakat really fits this. 💖
Oh, yeah... I wrote this when I was pretty much in the same mood as Vader so. No idea if it's angsty, or just dark. ;-; xD
PS. This is for Sinvulkt on ao3. :)
~ Rivana Rita
Smoke is still rising in the distance. From the heat, if not for the lack of flammable material on Tatooine, the fire could've spread. But on Tatooine, there's nothing but sand, and those occasional homesteads of people who dare traverse the desert.
Vader burned the palace to the ground. It was satisfying to watch the flames catch and burn and – and feel the death. Anakin might have had qualms about it, but that's not who he is. Anakin died when the rest of his family did, died when Ahsoka did.
He's been there. Saw it happen. Felt as his padawan's gentle, rose-like presence faded away with the sound of a dozen blaster shots.
He felt her pain. Felt her die, and there was nothing he could do. He failed her. Ahsoka. His Snips, the child he was supposed to protect. He should've taken care of her. That's the only thing he needed to do, all that mattered, but he failed.
It had been the moment Anakin realized the Council never fought to save her, that they threw her out for the Republic to execute, that he gave up on everything else.
And from then on out, nothing else mattered. That was where Anakin Skywalker died.
The shock had come first.
Vader has no sense of the passage of time. He's just waiting, waiting for the Force to take him, until some slaver gets the lucky hand and devises a weapon to cut through his scales. Unlikely, though. Not even Dooku was able to hurt him.
Sand crunches in the distance, and he shifts in his perch, tail curling tighter around his legs as he turns his head to look.
Someone is coming. He can feel a gentle but brilliant presence approaching. It's not a Jedi, but from the way it vibrates, it must be a Force-sensitive. It reminds him of Ahsoka, in the way it's vaguely plant-like, though it shines like a light in the darkness.
"Hey."
Female. From the voice, and her presence – females vibrate on a slightly higher frequency, and Anakin had once asked Obi-Wan why. It didn't make sense then, any more than it does now, and Obi-Wan's response had been so unintelligible Anakin gave up, but he forces away memories of his former master as fast as they come.
Obi-Wan is the one he wants to think about least.
For as gutting as it was to see Ahsoka die, Obi-Wan's death still hurts most.
It was your fault, his mind whispers.
What else was I supposed to do? Vader snarls back. Tell him I forgave him? For letting my Snips die?
The girl – she's not really a girl, actually. She's an adult, probably about Anakin's age when he was last human – approaches through the sand. From her ragged clothes, and more important, her species, it's obvious who she used to be. What she used to be, rather.
Her montrals are just slightly more pointed than Ahsoka's, fully grown, and the white and blue stripes across her lekku are so painfully similar he has to look away. That, and her orange skin, the same shade as Ahsoka's. Her facial markings are different, of course, but the similarity is still there.
Vader looks away, staring out at the sand, ignoring her presence entirely. He doesn't talk to people. Rex was the last person he talked to, and neither of them were very coherent back then.
"I know who you are," she says, settling down in the sand right up against his front leg. Vader can feel her warmth, and despite the heat of the sun beating down on his black scales, he finds he doesn't mind. He's missed contact, but there is no one left to offer it anymore.
Vader shifts a little, mostly uncomfortable by her words. "No one knows me." He speaks telepathically to her, which is all that he can speak to anyone now. He is a dragon, and he will never choose another form.
There is nothing left for him in the world of living.
"I do," the girl replies, and he shivers when her hand touches his left front leg, fingers ghosting over his scales. Her touch reminds him of Ahsoka, and Vader's head instinctively turns towards her again. He realizes for the first time that her eyes are blue, the same brilliant, non-human shade that Ahsoka's were.
His heart twists in his chest. They're so similar. The girl has white patches around her eyes, and a stripe of white down from the top of her forehead under the Togruta headband they all wear, but it's the markings on her cheeks that really catch his attention. They aren't the same as Ahsoka, but the placement, the similarity, it... are they related?
(Why does this girl look so familiar? Did he see her before? The presence is similar to someone, too.)
"I am no one," he sends back, turning away.
"You are to us," she replies passionately, fiercely, "You've freed us. You're a legend."
A legend, who failed to save his family. He failed every single person who mattered to him.
Rex and the boys were as devastated as he was when Ahsoka died. Anakin had been in too much shock to move, to think, to – anything. Vader doesn't remember what happened. All he remembers was Obi-Wan trying to talk to him, trying to talk him down from going on a murder spree then and there. He'd been too furious to care, to listen to anything his master had to say.
He'd told him it was his fault for not standing up for her, for not trying to help save Ahsoka, and he meant every word of what he said.
It only spiraled from there.
Obi-Wan died trying to make up for what he did – or rather didn't do – but nothing he ever could have done could've fixed it. Nothing anyone did could bring her back. Anakin had tried, but Mortis was a flux apparently. There's nothing he could do after she was already gone.
And every minute of every day, Vader knows he should have tried harder, been faster when he tracked down the real culprit, but Barriss was thorough. Had she not turned herself in, no one would have known.
Fox was... the first Vader killed on his rampage, and he hadn't even cared. Neither of them really did, because he killed Ahsoka, and he was following orders, but Vader couldn't find it in himself to care, not when everything was happening so fast.
Fox was so, so angry at himself when he realized what happened, what he'd done.
Vader feels an odd prickle of not-quite-regret whenever he thinks about him.
He died fast at least, mostly because he was Rex's brother.
Obi-Wan – the idiot – had gone after Sidious on his own after realizing he was involved in what happened to Ahsoka. Rex, in his blind rage, had gone, too.
Vader will never forget what he felt when he saw the Senate building destroyed from the chaos.
Palpatine died there. For as horrible as he was and as much as Anakin hates him for it, it still doesn't seem real. They never told him before it happened. It's – it's something he prefers not to think about at all, because the pain is too sharp and cutting for him to be able to accept. He can't imagine how Palpatine could be a Sith, could be someone evil who was willing to hurt Ahsoka or anyone.
He remembers seeing the damage, the smoke, remembers how scared he was.
Even Artoo – evil little traitor – had gone.
A metal beam crushed through his memory circuits. There wasn't anything Anakin could salvage, and he knew it the moment he saw him.
Padme died there. He felt it, felt the moment her presence faded to nothing. Over half the building was entirely demolished, and Vader has no sympathy for that whatsoever, but the people – Padme was there.
His wife, his – she was the only future he had after losing Ahsoka.
Riyo Chuchi – a friend, not close but still a friend was there. And... so was Jar Jar.
As he stood there, overlooking the damage and smoke – that was the moment Vader was truly born. There was nothing left for him with Obi-Wan and Padme and Rex and even Palpatine gone. The 501st had so, so angry when they lost Ahsoka, and he wasn't even surprised they got themselves killed trying to avenge her death. Most of them were there, trying to deal with Sidious, and the chaos spread so far and fast... nearly of them were lost.
He knew as he stood there watching it burn that there was nothing left for him.
His dragon instincts cried out, demanding vengeance, and he gave in.
There was no reason not to.
It all started with the Council's failure, just as much as his own, and he – the first thing he'd done was free the clones, because they're slaves, too, and with the Republic in shambles, they could find their freedom. Cody was the first person he saw that he used to know and hadn't died.
Cody was trying to stop him, but he'd hesitated. Vader had hesitated for the first time when he saw Cody facing him, because he was familiar; he was a friend, and Vader didn't want to hurt him. Not then, not ever. Cody hadn't known what was happening, or he'd have been inside with Rex. They'd have died together, but instead? Cody was the only one who survived.
Rex. Fives, Jesse – everyone.
Echo died already, as did Anakin's mother.
Every single – how couldn't he have seen it? Why didn't he stop it?
All his power in the galaxy meant nothing, nothing at all, because he was too useless to save the people that mattered most to him.
The Republic failed his family, and Vader ripped it apart by its roots for its failure. He went to Serenno and did the same there. To Raxus. To – he's lost count.
But governments have failed him and so many. It's not up to him to fill that role – all he wants is to keep everyone else from feeling like him.
From feeling like nothing.
"No," Vader replies fiercely. The insinuation brings a burning rage to the forefront of his being, and he snarls, shifting, though he doesn't push her away. She's a former slave, and he doesn't want to hurt her for doing nothing. She's kind and gentle, like Ahsoka was.
"You give us hope," she continues, "A strength that we've been missing. It's because of you that I know who I am."
Vader's head turns towards her, and she's entirely unfazed by the brilliant red of his eyes. They used to be blue. His dragon used to be golden-brown. Now, it's black. Black, like his soul and heart and being.
Ahsoka – his entirely family is gone, because he failed them. He'd burn the galaxy to nothing if it meant bringing them back, but there's nothing he can do.
He wishes he could burn something, to see something breaking, to feel it crush under his claws. That's all he has left now, all he's been trying to do since it happened. It's something, if he's destroying those who are hurting others, anyway. The galaxy can do without them.
The way her eyes meet his own fearlessly reminds him so much of Ahsoka. Everything about her does.
There is no death, there is only the Force.
No. Ahsoka is gone, and that this – this other random slave looks a little like her means nothing.
He's already itching to throw himself back into it, to find some other place to rip apart.
"For years, I thought the Jedi would come back here to free us," she continues, "And then... you came, instead."
"What you want to see isn't real," Vader tells her, tail twitching. Once, in the rare times he'd shift, Ahsoka would curl up against his side, and he'd wrap his tail around her. Those times were rare, though.
But he failed her. His padawan, his sister, his child is dead, because of him.
Because he wasn't fast enough to save her.
"Is it what I want to see, or what you don't wanna see?" she asks. How many times has he seen that face on Ahsoka – arms crossed, an adorable level of skepticism on her face, one eye-marking raised?
He's never going to see her again.
"I know what I am. I'm the only thing that does." He stands to his full height, shaking himself out, and the Togruta's eyes follow him, entirely unafraid.
"Okay, first off, you're not a thing." She crosses her arms, staring at him challengingly.
Vader blinks, confused. He doesn't follow her meaning. "You don't know what I am."
"Well, you're a dragon," she snips, "And you've saved us all."
That's something Anakin may once have wanted to hear, but now, there are no words that make it better. Nothing can fix what he's caused. Nothing can bring them back. He'll be alone for the rest of his life, but that – it's fine. He will not fail someone else again.
Doesn't even think he could care for someone again. Not the way he did each and every one of them.
Obi-Wan was the master who raised him as his own child. Palpatine was his... guidance, a calm and steadily supportive hand when he had no one. Ahsoka was... his child, his sister, his heart and light. Padme was his wife, and they had a future they swore to one another that now is nothing but dust and ash, the same as his promise to end slavery with Ahsoka at his side.
He wanted to start with Rex and the boys, even if they'd never stop fighting. Now, they're all gone, too.
"Yeah," he concedes slowly, reluctantly, because her words are the truth.
"What you need," the girl continues, "You need to remember that. You're not fighting alone."
Her words floor him. "You do not know me," Vader repeats, confused, "I have always been alone. I always have been. I always will be."
"No, you're not," she argues with a slight shake of her head. "You are the Skywalker, our savior, the one who brought us freedom. And I'll always fight for that."
As he looks at her, he sees a flicker of something in her mind. She's so much like him – she had a family once. People. Someone she considered home, before she was taken away when she was even younger than him.
And that's the first time he realizes her face is familiar, though she looks so... different. He knew people, many people throughout his life. Anakin knew many people on Tatooine, and it's not impossible to think he used to know her once.
One of the people he promised to save years ago, and this – this is the first time he was able to keep a promise. Maybe –
No.
No, he won't do that. He won't stay here, because he can't get close to someone again. It'll only get them killed, and he – he can't do that again.
Vader doesn't know what to say to her. He used to believe in the sun dragon, believe that he was capable of helping, but he wasn't. He never has been. But... looking this once-slave in the eye, someone who mirrors him so much, he finds himself wondering.
"It is time for me to leave," he says instead, shifting on his feet, claws digging into the sand. He's not at his full height; he's staying low so he can see her without towering at twice her size. She's nearly six feet, but on all fours, he's big, and his neck is long.
"Then take me with you," she requests, "We have the same end goal. We can do it together."
"No," he answers immediately, because he can't do that. He won't do that. "You have a chance to stay here with your family. And I – I will do what I have always done."
She shakes her head, a flare of grief burning in her eyes and coiling in her presence. "I don't have any. Not anymore. Kitster was my best friend, but... I don't know where he is now."
Kitster.
His heart flips a little. As in Kit? That one? The friend he used to know when he was little? Is that why she's so familiar, that Anakin used to know her?
(Is everyone he knows really dead, or...?)
"I will go alone," he repeats, because he can't do what she's asking. He's been alone all this time, and he doesn't want to fail someone else.
He was supposed to protect Ahsoka and his men, and he didn't save any of them.
He didn't save them, and now he has nothing. He deserves no less than to be alone forever after what he caused.
"I can help," she insists, "We can go together. I don't have anything else, and I know you don't, either." There's something fiercely intense in her gaze, and he twitches when he senses her presence touching his. He hates himself for wanting to hug her for being so – so gentle, just because he's missed people. Missed what it's like to be with people.
He doesn't know how to refuse when that longing is ripping him apart.
"Just one flight?" she requests. "It can't hurt."
Yes, it can. The last person he carried was Ahsoka, and that was Cato Neimoidia. Their very last mission together.
They'll never have another one.
But she's asking. She means it, and Vader can see her passion. She'll get herself killed, and she doesn't even care. Because she, like him, has nothing left to live for. She knows what it's like to be alone, and she doesn't want him to feel that.
Just like him.
"I will not be responsible for your death," Vader tells her firmly.
She shrugs. "You won't be. I'm the one asking you to go, remember? If I do something stupid, well. That's my problem."
He can't remember the last time someone was so light and cheerful and... carefree. It – would've been Fives, but Fives died there in the Senate building. (He let himself die because Echo was already dead, and he didn't much care anymore. Because their kid was gone, too. And now, their deaths haunt his dreams just as much as when the shuttle's engine blew up, taking Echo with it.)
"I... cannot do that to you."
"I'm asking you to set yourself free, too. This isn't about me, Skywalker." He doesn't deserve that name, no matter how literal it's become. "There are... always things in our life we can't control, but I know you won't hurt me."
"How?" he challenges, "You don't even know me."
"No one asked you to come here, but you did. You could have left. You could have tried to find something else, to just kept living. But you didn't. You care. You saw us hurting, saw where you were needed, and you came. Let me help you."
Once, he'd have just ignored it, but now, after – after what happened, after how he caused so much destruction, he can't do that. He can't hurt her, when he knows she's right that there's nowhere else for her to go.
"One flight," Vader agrees reluctantly, with every intent of ditching her after.
Somewhere deep inside, he knows that won't happen.
He settles down, and the Togruta swings herself onto his back. Her hands touch the scales of his neck gently, stroking in gentle circles. It's something, and he leans into it, desperate.
It makes him want to cry, but he hasn't cried since it happened. He's been too numb for that.
The last person who touched him was... Padme? He thinks it was Padme. Doesn't really remember. Both her and Rex had tried to talk him back to himself, but it never went anywhere.
"Do you have a name?" she queries, rebalancing herself slightly when Vader stands again. She's light, just slightly heavier than Ahsoka. At least their weight isn't the same, though it almost might as well be for how much she reminds him of her.
"I am called Vader." That is the name he took for himself when he gave up his human form. He'll never take it back, not when there's nothing left for him. He's not going to stop. There will always be something in the galaxy that needs to be ripped apart and rebuilt.
"I'm Ashla," she says, leaning closer and wrapping her arms around his neck, like she's done this a million times. She doesn't find it awkward, and Vader is grateful for that. He doesn't, even if he once would've. He doesn't know, though. She's a former slave, and he doesn't know her, but she's safe.
She smells like flowers, though it makes him think of something yellow. That's one distinct difference from his little Snips at least.
Probably, he ought to be reminded of Ahsoka every minute of every day, because that's where his failure started, that's where everything started falling.
Ashla doesn't offer a last name, and Vader doesn't ask, because it's not uncommon for slaves to have lost who they used to be.
He jumps off his perch, wings spreading and carrying their adjoined weight.
She's not Obi-Wan, or Ahsoka or Padme or Rex or – or anyone he lost, but she's still here, and she's someone. Someone that needs someone as badly as he does.
Together, they fly across the surface of the sun-burned planet.
It's not forever. Ashla's not going to stay with him, and he knows that. It's... for the best.
Author's Note: If you want to keep crying over the heartbreak... probably don't read this author's note! :D xD Hey I needed something to cope, don't judge me. :( xD
My official future headcanons for this universe:
They find Kitster, who is in fact still alive.
Vader raids Skako Minor sometime, and finds Echo. They free him, and he joins... his new family. (He lost himself and then woke up to a reality where everything is in shambles, where the kid they had was gone and so are Fives and Rex and I genuinely cannot imagine what that would do to him. ;-;)
Ashla does, in fact, stay with Vader. She snarls and bites until he lets her stay. She coaxes him back to his human form sometime.
Oh yeah. And Obi-Wan and Anakin are a Force-dyad so Obi-Wan gets ghost privileges. Anakin's too Vader-y to see him right now though...
Somewhere along the way, Anakin and Ashla have twins they name Rex and Ahsoka. Ahsoka's born first, because she threw a fit, and Rex is nice and let her. Ahsoka looks just like Ahsoka, somehow, and Rex mysteriously has brown eyes and slightly-too-blond-to-be-Anakin's hair. Lol. And their third child, who's basically just like his mother is named Fives. :)
Yes, I believe in reincarnation what about that –
Could've brought Padme back, but like. Would I make her Anakin's daughter? D=
~ Rivana Rita
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