Optimus Prime: (Voice Over) Before time began, there was the Cube. Primus created it and it holds the power to create worlds and fill them with life. That was how our race was born. For a time, we lived in harmony, but like all great power, some wanted it for good, others for evil. And so began the war - a war that ravaged our planet until it was consumed by death, and the Cube was lost to the far reaches of space. We scattered across the galaxy, hoping to find it and rebuild our home, searching every star, every world. And just when all hope seemed lost, message of a new discovery drew us to an unknown planet called... Earth. But we were already too late.
A Giant Cube was floating through space and headed straight to Earth. I'm sure everything is fine.
One day, Kevin, Gretel and Hamster was standing outside their broken ass Minivan.
Gretel: Can you fix it, can you fix it, can you fix it?
Kevin: No, not really. But I figured that-
An Alien UFO was suddenly hovering over them.
Aliens: Greeting Earth Creatures.
Gretel: Holy Shit!
Kevin: God, I wish my fucking phone wasn't dead right now.
Gretel: And I left mine at home.
Male Alien: The two of you have been chosen!
Gretel: Chosen for what?
Male: Chosen to be heroes! We will now bestow upon you powers unimaginable!
Gretel: Like flying?
Female: Ok, some of them are imaginable.
Male: We're just gonna bestow your powers now.
(Poof)
And that's how Hamster and Gretel got their powers, from contact with alien life. But these aliens wouldn't be the last one they would meet.
(Theme Song: Parody of Hamster and Gretel theme)
Who's the improbable Factions that you've heard about?
Faster than a scooter, stronger than metal
Who's the Pacifist truck and the cruel and heartless tyrant?
Who's still standing when they see the dust settle?
The Autobots (Autobots, Autobots)
Autobots and Deceptions (If you can't find them, then they are in disguise)
Autobots (Autobots, Autobots)
Autobots and Deceptions!
There's also Kevin inside Bumblebee
(End Song)
It was a normal day in Eastside. A maniac was using a remote to control all the cars which caused mayhem.
Gretel: Freeze Car Man!
The man who was apparently Car Man turned to see the Improbable Duo ready to kick some ass.
Car Man: Hamster and Gretel? Why don't I hit your brakes?!
A jeep drove right towards them but they weren't fazed.
Gretel: CAR PUNCH!
Gretel punched the jeep and it knocked out Car Man but headed towards Kevin in the Minivan.
Gretel: Kevin!
Kevin: Shit!
Kevin dodged out of the Minivan before it was crushed completely.
The three of them slowly walked towards their iconic Minivan. It was gone.
Kevin: I don't suppose you could fix it like you did with Oakey?
Gretel: No, sorry.
Kevin's eye twitched.
Kevin: Why do you always punch things?!
Gretel: It's how I fight! Not my fault you had the Minivan there.
When they went home. Carolina was pissed.
Carolina: Where is the Minivan?!
Kevin: It was destroyed in Hamster and Gretel's latest battle.
Carolina: That's it, you need your own car mister!
Kevin, Gretel and Dave were in a car dealership.
They came across a dark skinned dude named Bobby.
Bobby: Hi. Welcome to Bobby's Car Shop where we sell cars! What brings you here?
Kevin: Some dumb superhero trashed my ride so now I have to get another one.
Gretel: Hey, Gretel isn't dumb.
Kevin: Oh yeah, she's so impulsive.
Gretel: YOU are!
Dave: Sibling Rivalries am I right?
Bobby: I know. I had a sister and when she died, I partied all night long and pissed on her grave.
The three of them looked at him with a horrified look in their eyes.
Dave: Ok? Well then, Why don't you pick your new ride.
Kevin looked around and saw a Camaro.
Kevin: How about this?
Gretel: Looks sturdy.
Dave: We'll take that.
So they bought it from the crazy dude and left.
Back home.
Carolina: Ay dios mío (Oh my god!) That's your car?!
Kevin: Yep. When is the Mini-?
Carolina: You are not allowed to drive my Minivan ever again!
Kevin: But-
Carolina: No buts!
Carolina walked out the door, leaving her children alone in the living room.
Gretel: Kevin, I am so sorry-
Kevin: Don't. Gretel, do you promise to not solve everything with a punch?
Gretel: Fine.
Hamster looked at the two.
Hamster: You seem pissed at each other.
Gretel: No we're not.
Meanwhile, at Sector Seven….
Captain William Lennox came up to the boss of Sector Seven: General Peter Cullen.
Lennox: Uh, Cullen?
Cullen: Yes?
Lennox: There's a helicopter flying towards us.
Cullen: So?
Lennox: That type of helicopter has been shot down a year ago.
Lennox pointed out the window. There was a black helicopter that was indeed flying towards them.
Cullen: That's odd…
He turned to a dude strapped in dynamite.
Cullen: Lieutenant Micheal Bay?
Bay: I assume you want me to turn into an M&M?
Cullen: What? No! See that Helicopter? I want you to investigate it.
Bay: I thought Drusseltein blew that up?
Cullen: Who cares, go now!
Bay went out and the helicopter landed in front of him.
Bay: There's nobody inside? Must be remote controlled. I better shut off the link between it and whatever's controlling it. Nothing is gonna happen if I just climb in and-
The helicopter turned into a robot.
Bay: Wow, Drusseltien makes good mech!
Robot: I am Skorponok.
Bay: Hello mister Skorponok. Where exactly do you come from?
Skorponok: When a male and female Cybertronion fall in love they decide to fuck and I don't have time to give you Sex Ed.
Skorponok vaporized Bay before noticing two streaks flying towards him.
Hamster and Gretel charged at the Decepticon with Gretel preparing to punch when she suddenly remembered the Minivan. She immediately stopped. Hamster on the other hand punched him so hard, he was sent flying in the air like he's Team Rocket. He even twinkled when he wasn't seen anymore.
The soldiers ran out the base and cheered.
Cullen: You did it. Thank you Hamster and Gretel.
Gretel: You're welcome. (Glances at Bay's remains) Sorry about that guy.
Cullen: Meh. He was a dick.
Later, Kevin was driving Gretel, Hamster and Bailey to the apartment. He turned on the radio.
Radio
I know you're pining-
I should've known
From how I felt
When we were together-
Kevin: What the?
Kevin changed the channel.
Radio
And you belong, baby you belong to me-
I put up barriers-
And you're in my arms so the planets are aligning-
Kevin kept changing the channel but the radio kept changing. He finally stopped.
Kevin: Damn radio.
Bailey: Wow, it's like it's alive.
?: No I'm not.
They were shocked.
Gretel: Who's there?
?:…Uuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh…You are hearing things. That's it. I am your…conscious?
Bailey: That's impossible, how can we share the same conscience?
Hamster: Oh my god, the car IS alive!
Car: Great, I should have kept my mouth shut. Man, Optimus is going to be pissed.
Bailey: Who?
Kevin struggled to get his seatbelt.
Car: You're not going anywhere.
Hamster and Gretel burst out of their seatbelts as turned into their superhero form. Then they flew out while picking up Kevin.
Hamster: Wait, where's Bailey?
Kevin: I think she's in the Camaro.
Gretel: Shit.
The Impropable Duo zoomed towards the speeding car. Kevin looked around and saw Clyde who was waiting at the stoplight. Kevin threw him out and took his car.
Clyde: Ow! My fucking hip!
The Camaro finally reached a junkyard.
Bailey: Ok, who are what are you?!
Camaro: You're still here? Whatever. Call me Bumblebee and…I am…an alien.
Bailey: That is so…awesome! Well you know, besides you kidnapping me.
Bumblebee came to a stop and opened the seatbelt and a door.
Bumblebee: Promise not to tell anyone or else I will kill you.
Bailey: Don't worry. I don't need death threats to keep secrets.
She got out when Hamster and Gretel landed next to her.
Gretel: Bailey!
Bailey: Hey Gretel, Bumblebee freed me.
Hamster: Who?
Then a police car drove up to them.
Bailey: Oh shit! Cops!
Bumblebee: This is bad. You need to hide.
Bailey: Trust me. I am DEFINITELY not trusting the police.
Bumblebee: No.
The two cars transformed into giant badass robots.
Bumblebee: Hi Barricade. Gee, did you already forgot what happened in Iacon? Hmm…oh yeah, I kicked your ass.
Barricade: Yes. That was humiliating.
Bumblebee: What? Sticking Lugnut's decapitated head up your anus?
Barricade roared and charged at Bumblebee. The two girls and Domestic Rodent dived out the way as the two bots fought. Barricade's hand turned into a buzzsaw and slapped Bumblebee.
Bumblebee: Wow, that sure brings back memories.
Bumblebee punched Barricade in the face and Gretel could have sworn she saw a green head sticking out of Barricade's butt. It was clearly Lugnut.
Lugnut: Help! I've been stuck here for five weeks!
Bumblebee kicked Barricade and that freed Lugnut who hopped away.
Lugnut: FREEDOM!
Bumblebee ripped out the saw hand and whacked Barricade. He plopped to the ground unconscious. Kevin finally arrived and noticed the two robots.
Kevin: What the Mother Fucking Flying Shit Ballz is that thing?!
Bumblebee: Hi.
Kevin: Is that my Camaro?!
Hamster, Gretel and Bailey went up to him.
Bailey: It's a long story. Bumblebee is…an alien.
Bumblebee: So is Barricade over there.
Gretel: You kicked ass!
Bumblebee: Thanks.
Bumblebee was suddenly blasted by Barricade who aimed his blaster at the humans. Gretel instinctively flew up and punched him.
Gretel: Alien Robot Punch!
Barricade fell over.
Gretel: Sorry. I just-
Kevin: Are you kidding?! That's awesome. Sorry about earlier.
Gretel: That's ok.
Barricade stood up a third time only for someone to throw his saw hand at his face. He was down…again.
Hiromi: We should probably leave.
Hiromi walked up to them.
Kevin: Hiromi?
Gretel: You totally kicked butt!
Bailey: What are you doing here?
Hiromi: Uuuuuhhhhhh…I was totally not doing graffiti.
Hamster: O…k…?
Bumblebee stood up.
Hiromi: Hey.
Kevin: You're not shocked?
Hiromi: Your sister and pet are superheroes. Why would I be surprised of a giant car robot?
Kevin: My sister?
Hiromi: You hang out with Hamster and Gretel a lot. Don't worry, I'll keep your secret. I'll also keep the secret of whatever that is.
Bumblebee: My name is Bumblebee. And I am from…ANOTHER WORLD!
Hiromi: Whoa.
Bumblebee: But I'm not the only one that planned to come here.
Bailey: You mean Barricade?
Bumblebee: Not just him. We were the first Cybertronians here…also Lugnut I guess.
Lugnut: Thanks for destroying my body dick! Prepare to get your ass whooped!
Bumblebee: You're just a tiny little head.
Several meteors came falling from the sky and crashed right in front of them.
Four Autobots rose up and looked down at them.
Optimus: I am Optimus Prime. And this is Ratchet, Ironhide and Jazz. I see you met Bumblebee.
Gretel: Yes.
Bailey: Oh…my…god…
Kevin: Why are you here?
Optimus: Many years ago, we Autobots waged battle with the evil forces of the Deceptions. Unfortunately, that destroyed our world Cybertron…The Allspark was the source of all life on Cybertron disappeared in space. We scattered the cosmos trying to find it and then we detected it on this planet.
Hiromi: No fucking way.
Cullen: Yes way.
Nest also appeared out of nowhere.
Hamster: Ok, what's with people appearing out of nowhere in this damn junkyard?
Lennox: We also know about the Allspark because it was found by Archibald Grant.
Gretel: That's funny, Kevin and I have a great grandfather named Archibald Grant.
Cullen: He doesn't happen to look like him?
Cullen showed a photo that happened to be Archibald. He looked exactly like Dave.
Bailey: Wow, I see the family resemblance.
Kevin: That's him alright.
Bumblebee: That dude must be long dead. How are we gonna find the Allspark?
At the Apartment, Dave was packing some stuff.
Kevin and Gretel ran in.
Gretel: Dad, can we have that space cube your grandfather found.
Dave: This thing? (Picks up Allspark) I was gonna put it in the yard sale but you can take it.
The kids took the Allspark.
Kevin: Thanks.
The kids ran out and saw that Bumblebee was there.
Bumblebee: Get in.
They drove off to Danville.
Gretel: So now what?
Bumblebee: We gotta hide the Allspark. A plane?
There indeed was a plane heading towards them. It transformed into Starscream.
Bumblebee: Oh shit!
He launched Kevin, Gretel and Hamster out of him and transformed. Hamster and Gretel also suited up.
Bonecrusher and Barricade also arrived. Bumblebee saw a random truck parked nearby and threw it.
Bumblebee: Catch, ya son of a bitch!
Starscream dodged and fired at Bumblebee.
(KABLAM!)
Bumblebee screamed as he was knocked to the ground.
Bailey: Bumblebee!
Bumblebee: I-I'm fine…I survived worse…take the Allspark.
Bumblebee dropped the Allspark at Gretel's feet.
Kevin: I am not losing another car!
Fred and Hiromi drove up to them with a tow truck.
Fred: Hiromi told me everything. Also, you're not the best at keeping a secret identity.
Kevin: What's with the truck?
Hiromi: Uuuuuuhhhhhh…Totally not something I fixed up in the junkyard.
Fred: It totally was.
Hiromi: Shut up.
All of the Deceptions have arrived.
Megatron: Give me the Allspark!
Gretel: No, we're enemies. Why would you ask your enemies to do something?
Megatron: That was for dramatic effect you idiot.
Gretel: Oh, well Robot Punch!
Gretel charged at Megatron who didn't even flinch. She punched and nothing happened. She kicked and used her heat vision, then her breath. Nothing happened. Megatron simply flicked her and she crashed on to the pavement unconscious.
Kevin: GRETEL!
Fred: No! Gretel Beans!
Hamster roared as he too charged at the Emperor of Destruction who swatted him to the ground where he too was knocked out.
The Autobots and Nest arrived.
Optimus: Megatron, your opponent is me!
Finally, The Autobots waged their battle to destroy the evil forces of the Deceptions.
Bumblebee: I have to fight.
Fred: But your legs seem pretty fucked up.
Bumblebee: I can still fight. Hiromi, hook me to your truck.
Hiromi: Got it.
Hiromi hooked him up and drove off.
Hiromi: You shoot, I drive!
Brawl picked up Jazz.
Jazz: Oh hell no!
Then Brawl slammed him against his knee which ripped him in half.
Jazz: Aw man, I was barely in this fic! Well shit!
Brawl: I'm in it longer than you punk.
Hiromi zoomed past him as Bumblebee blasted him to bits.
Brawl: Oh come on!
The two bots died.
Ironhide punched Blackout through his chest.
Ironhide: Take that! No way I'm dying.
Lennox: Wait until Dark of Moon.
Ironhide: What?!
Lennox: Nothing.
While the battle continued on, Kevin walked up to Gretel's body and dropped to his knees.
Kevin: Gretel…Wake up! Please don't leave me, you're my hero! (Sighs) Little G…(Teared up) I'm sorry for being pissed about the Minivan. You're the most important thing in my life!
He hugged her body and sobbed.
Gretel woke up.
Gretel: Kevin?
Kevin: You're alive!
Gretel: Hah! I faced worse.
Off in the distance, they noticed Megatron throwing Optimus around like a rag doll.
Gretel: Optimus!
Ratchet came up to them.
Ratchet: Wow, he's fucked. Gee, if only someone jabs the Allspark up Megatron's chest…I'm not doing it though.
Gretel: I will!
Gretel picked up the Allspark and flew off.
Ratchet: Kid, wait!
Kevin: Gretel!
Gretel ignored them and went straight to Megatron.
Gretel: MEGATRON!
Megatron: You're alive?!
Gretel stabbed him with the Allspark and he exploded with the Allspark. When the dust settled. Gretel and Optimus stood up as a crowd of people gathered and cheered.
Optimus: Thanks.
Gretel: Don't mention it.
Kevin, Hamster and Bailey ran up to Gretel for a hug as Ratchet started repairing Bumblebee's legs.
Bumblebee: Hey boss.
Optimus: Yes Bumblebee?
Bumblebee: Mind if I stay with Kevin and Gretel?
Optimus: Of course, Human Alliance is very important.
One week later…
The Autobots stood next to Oakey as Bumblebee was in Car mode and inside, Hiromi and Kevin were making out. Gretel and Bailey were on top of Oakey.
Gretel: So now that you're here, what are you gonna do now?
Optimus: We stay.
Bailey: Cool.
Optimus: With the AllSpark gone, we cannot return life to our planet. And fate has yielded its reward: a new world to call... home. We live among its people now, hiding in plain sight... but watching over them in secret... waiting... protecting. I have witnessed their capacity for courage, and though we are worlds apart, like us, there's more to them than meets the eye. I am Optimus Prime, and I send this message to any surviving Autobots taking refuge among the stars: We are here... we are waiting. At the end of this day, one shall stand, one shall fall!
Gretel: What?
Optimus: It's a badass montage. I'm sending a message to the Autobots in space.
Gretel: Cool.
The End…Or is it?…
Starscream flew across the stratosphere.
Starscream: The Allspark is definitely not gone. Now it's the Revenge of the Fallen! Ugh, that sounds like a shitty sequel to a better movie.