~ Chapter 5: The Results Are In ~

Arthur wasn't allowed outside of his house except for school and when he was escorted by his mom to the hospital, strictly guarded, during visiting hours. "This isn't for you; it's for Merlin," Igraine would warn him over and over again as they were driving to the hospital. Sometimes, she gripped the steering wheel so tight her knuckles were a pure white.

Arthur had a feeling she wasn't really angry with him. Admittedly, she was definitely mad at him a little bit. It hadn't been pleasant to be terrified that Hunith had been in an accident or that something had happened to Arthur just to find out he had never asked Hunith for a ride home.

Still, Arthur thought she was mostly mad at their circumstances. She was scared and upset and angry that there had been a reason for Arthur to sneak into the hospital and attempt a sleepover.

So Igraine could say it was only for Merlin that his punishment was so flexible, but Arthur knew the truth. He knew it was for both of them. Igraine knew it would kill Arthur if he couldn't see Merlin. As often as she reminded Arthur that he was allowed at the hospital for Merlin's sake, she reminded herself that he'd snuck into the hospital for Merlin. She knew how upset and worried Arthur was even if he hid it behind the upbeat optimism he'd adopted since Merlin was hospitalized.

Today in particular, she knew that Arthur wouldn't be leaving his side. Igraine had gotten a phone call from Hunith just a couple of minutes earlier; she'd explained that the results were in and that Merlin was asking for Arthur. Hunith wouldn't tell them what the verdict was, but she didn't need to; they'd been preparing for the worst. Igraine had just pulled Arthur from the middle of his school day.

When they got to the hospital, Merlin looked pale as death. Arthur shuddered. He didn't want to think like that. Merlin was sitting in the same wheelchair Arthur had pushed around on a few of their walks.

"Are we going on a walk?" Arthur asked hopefully. It was the only time his mom let him out of her sight because an alarm would go off if Arthur got too close to the exit (Arthur had been warned before he could learn that for himself).

Merlin and Hunith looked up at them, and Arthur could see they'd been crying. Hunith's eyes were red and puffy, and Merlin's whole face turned a pink, splotchy color. It wasn't common for Merlin to cry and something about it always made Arthur's heart twist into knots. "No. I'm being moved. We asked them to wait until you got here." Merlin's voice sounded raspy, and Arthur wasn't sure if that was because he'd been crying or because he had another sore throat. Arthur wasn't sure which was better.

Igraine shot Arthur a pointed look, and he grabbed the handlebars of Merlin's wheelchair, careful not to jostle the IV too much. The first time he'd done this, he'd been careless and jerked it so hard that the IV moved in Merlin's arm and he'd never seen quite a pained look on Merlin's face.

A frustrated–looking nurse had lectured Arthur for nearly ten minutes about how dangerous it could be if Merlin's IV came out and how the wheelchair wasn't a toy. Arthur had taken it because he worried he wouldn't be able to come back if he made the nurse angrier, but he resented the idea that he'd ever intentionally do anything to hurt Merlin. He also hated the condescending way she talked to him as if he was a little kid that didn't know better. He was more careful and cautious with Merlin after that and, fortunately, he hadn't seen that particular nurse since.

"Where to?" Arthur asked.

"Can we go to the reflection garden?" Merlin asked hopefully.

There was something about the plants that seemed to soothe Merlin. Arthur didn't get it. Sure, they were beautiful, but he got tired of them after a few minutes. "Of course."

"Not too long. Henry is going to be back in twenty minutes," Hunith warned.

Arthur wheeled Merlin down the hall and followed the familiar twists and turns. "Who's Henry?" Arthur asked.

"He's going to be one of my new nurses." Merlin glanced back at Arthur before he looked forward. "In oncology."

Arthur stopped for a second to compose his face before he started pushing Merlin again. He waited until they were at a bench on one side of the clearest glass Arthur had ever seen. He pushed Merlin's chair so it was next to the bench and sat down next to him. There were a few patients sitting outside amongst the greenery or wandering amongst the shrubs but Merlin hadn't been cleared to go outside, so he'd had to settle for watching from a distance. Arthur took a deep breath. "Tell me."

"Leukemia."

"Is it the good one or the bad one?" Arthur asked.

"Is there a good one?" Merlin muttered. "It's not the worst one. I have a pretty good chance of fighting this off."

Arthur let out his breath and turned to face Merlin. Merlin was watching him, his face a patchwork of different emotions. Arthur could detect guilt and fear and something else that was contorting his face into that of someone who had received life changing news. "What happens next?"

"I'm going to be moved to my new room. In a week or two, they're going to start me on a high dose of chemo. I'll be here for… who knows how long? Until my blood tests come back more normal. They said most people are in the hospital for 6 to 8 weeks once they start chemo."

"Why aren't they starting it right away?" Arthur demanded. He couldn't fathom putting off Merlin's health.

"Because chemo weakens your immune system. They want to make sure the infection is completely gone because if I get it while I'm on chemo… I probably wouldn't make it. Getting sick is really dangerous."

"Oh. How much longer?"

"I have five more days on my antibiotics. Then hopefully within a week of that."

"So, you're going to be in the hospital for two months?" Arthur asked incredulously. In his head, he'd pictured Merlin getting chemo and being home a few days later which felt incredibly childish to him now that he knew the truth.

"At a minimum. Normally they would wait longer after finishing my antibiotics before starting my chemo, but they don't want to give it too much time to grow. I'm still in stage 1, but they don't know if they'll be able to say that in a couple of weeks. If it spreads…" Merlin shuddered. "It gets more complicated."

Arthur didn't want to know what 'more complicated' meant. "It's not gonna spread. If you're gonna be here for two months, we're gonna have to deck out your room. Really make it feel like home. I can bring in some of your board games." Merlin got a weird look on his face. Something about it didn't sit well with Arthur, so he kept going. "And I can bring my comfy chair. The one from my basement. I need somewhere to sit after school. Do you want me to bring your homework? Or is your mom going to work out something with the school? You need to pass eight grade because I'm absolutely not moving on without you, and I need to know if I've gotta start failing my classes or something."

"Arthur," Merlin said softly. Arthur knew he was going to say something he didn't want to hear, and he figured if he never stopped talking, Merlin wouldn't be able to do it.

"I bet I can convince my mom to let me bring in some movies too. If your new room is like your old one, it'll have a TV."

"Arthur."

"Or I can bring one of your boring puzzles. I won't help, of course, but you can work on it while I'm here."

"Arthur!"

Arthur only spoke louder. "And I can bring some of your books so you can read during the day."

"Ar–"

Arthur didn't let him finish. "And I can bring my laptop. We can play games on it."

"Arthur, listen to me." Merlin gripped Arthur's arm so tightly, Arthur was sure it was going to leave a bruise.

"What?" Arthur demanded.

Merlin's eyes narrowed. "You can't do that. You need to live your life even if I'm not here." Arthur knew what he meant. Deep down, he knew, but he wasn't ready to think about it.

"I will," Arthur told him stubbornly.

"You won't do that if you're always here."

"I won't always be here. I have school, and my mom won't let me come here if it's not visiting hours."

"That's not what I mean, and you know it." Merlin scratched the short hairs on the back of his neck. "I don't want to hold you back. You have to go out and do stuff. Make friends other than me, hang out with them, get into all kinds of trouble that I never let you get into."

"You don't want me to come here." Arthur knew he sounded insulted but part of him was. He and Merlin had been together for so much; he didn't want to be left out of whatever time he might have left.

"Of course, I do. Because you're my best friend, and I want to see you. But come once a week. Tell me about the things you're doing with our classmates or about a movie you watched or about something crazy you did. Have something to tell me!"

"What if I don't want to do that stuff? What if I want to spend time here and do stuff with you that I can tell other people about?"

"Because I need you to have other friends! I need you to have a life outside of me!" Merlin was seldom stubborn, but it was coming out right now.

"Why? Why do you want to get rid of me?"

Merlin's hands bunched into fists so tight, Arthur could see the whites of his knuckles. "It's not a guarantee. That I make it. My odds are good, but things can go wrong. I might reject the chemo, I could get sick. If I die –"

"No."

Merlin spoke louder. "If I die, I need to know you'll be okay."

"You're not going to die!"

"Grow up, Arthur. For once in your life, accept that this is out of your control. You can't stop it any more than I can. You can't protect me this time."

Arthur jumped to his feet. "Don't you think I know that? Don't you think I hate that I can't do anything about this? But I can believe that you'll be okay, so why can't you?"

Merlin shook his head and was silent for a minute until he hastily wiped away a tear that escaped him. "You have no idea," he whispered. "No idea what it's like to know that if I don't make it, I'm hurting you and my mom. I don't want to ruin your life with this. I'm not stupid. I know that no matter what, this is going to suck for you. But maybe it'll suck a little less with people. Maybe Lance will be able to take you out for pizza or Percy will be able to, I don't know, wrestle you or something. Dear God, maybe even Valiant will be that person." Arthur made a face. There was no force powerful enough to ever make him and Valiant friends; it was bad enough they somehow always ended up on the same rec teams. "Just please. Do something so that if this doesn't work out… I want to leave knowing that my best friend will be okay and that you… that you'll have a life after me. That you won't hate me for making you put your life on hold."

Arthur really should have figured it out before Merlin had to spell it out for him. He should've known that Merlin, a kid who spent his whole life feeling like he took up space he didn't belong in, would feel that way. It was only with the mental reminder that he was doing it for Merlin that Arthur conceded. "Four days. I get to come here four times a week."

"This isn't a negotiation," Merlin told him.

"Sure it is. Because, yeah, you've got cancer, Mer. But you're still my best friend, and I want that to still be true when you beat this thing."

They went back and forth for nearly an hour before they came to an agreement that left both of them feeling pleased and unhappy. Arthur would come visit Merlin twice a week after school and one every weekend with the exception of holidays, birthdays, and if Merlin was having a bad day.

"I need you to promise me something," Arthur said once they came to their agreement.

"Promise what?" Merlin's eyebrows scrunched.

"That if I do this… this stupid hanging out with other friends thing, that you're going to fight this. Fight it as hard as you can. Whatever nonsense they ask you to do, you'll do it. When you get out of here, I want you to get to know whatever friends I make."

Merlin never had a chance to make the promise because Hunith approached them. "Ready?"

Merlin's new room was nearly identical to his old one, save for the occupied bed with a boy who looked to be around Merlin's age. He was wearing a knit blue cap and had a lump that noticeably protruded from the left side of his jaw.

"Hi," Merlin said in a timid voice. "I didn't realize I was going to have a roommate."

Will looked up from the magazine he was skimming. "I heard someone was moving in. They try to put us together. Apparently, it's good for morale or something like that. I'm Will."

"Merlin."

"I'd shake your hand, but…" Will motioned to a bag hanging behind him. "Chemo. You love to hate it. What's your poison?"

"Um. Er… what?"

"Your poison. Your cancer. I'm assuming you're not here for the cheery white walls and the nurses that love to jab you. No offense, Henry."

Henry let out a big laugh. "If you don't mean offense, don't say offensive things." He turned to Merlin. "Will is our resident comedian. Will, be nice. You remember how scary it was when you were first diagnosed."

Will held up one arm defensively. "Okay, okay. Sorry. Just trying to get to know my new roomie."

Merlin had been watching them go back and forth, but he finally spoke. "I have leukemia. It's my, uh, poison."

"Lucky you," Will muttered darkly. Arthur could've sworn he saw a shadow of jealousy on his face. "Rhabdomyosarcoma over here. A fancy way of saying cancer hates me."

"Does cancer like anyone?"

Will looked positively gleeful. "See, Henry. He gets it."

Merlin wasn't sure what exactly he got, but he was glad that he seemed to pass some kind of test. The last thing he needed was for his roommate to hate him.

Despite his first impression, Will wasn't much of a conversationalist. When he finished his treatment, he clutched his pillow and stared at a push pin on the wall with a vacant expression. Merlin tried to ask him what he was doing, but only a grunt escaped him, so Merlin gave up. Arthur stayed with Merlin as late as they would let him. They talked about stupid nonsense things. The word cancer never left their lips, and Arthur thought it was better that way..

True to his promise, Arthur went to the hospital three days a week. He hated seeing Merlin so little, but he was doing his damnedest to honor Merlin's wishes. Once Merlin started chemo, Arthur scheduled his visits on days when he didn't have his treatment. Chemo often made Merlin really nauseated or dizzy, and there was nothing Arthur could do to help. He'd asked Merlin if just being there helped, and Merlin admitted that he only felt more self–conscious about it, so Arthur tried to give him his space. Neither of them had been prepared for the reality of chemo. Arthur had just kinda figured that Merlin would constantly be receiving it, but he got it every three days like clockwork. In between, he was taking a variety of pills that came in different colors and sizes that he took without complaint.

When Arthur came, he would reluctantly share that he'd started to make a life outside of Merlin. He hadn't been prepared to enjoy hanging out with other people. It's not that Arthur didn't have friends outside of Merlin; it's more that he had his sports friends who he saw at practice and he had his school friends who he saw in class. Merlin was the only one who saw all of Arthur.

For so long, he'd separated the world into us and them because so many people had been cruel to Merlin. A lot of their classmates still were (especially after the well–intentioned assembly about Merlin's cancer so everyone could keep him in their thoughts and prayers – it sparked a slew of fundraisers that seemed to be more about the people doing the fundraising than about Merlin), and no one could ever replace Merlin, but Arthur found some kids that seemed to genuinely care about Merlin and Arthur. Specifically, Gwaine and Lance. Arthur still maintained that everyone else sucked, but Gwaine and Lance weren't awful.

They actually helped. The first time Arthur had confided in them about how stressful Merlin's chemo was and how scared he was, he'd expected the whole school to know the next day, but no new rumors had started to circulate, and Arthur had begun to trust them. Merlin's pure glee when Arthur had told him was unlike anything Arthur had ever seen.

Arthur didn't understand the sense of security Merlin received from those stories. Merlin felt, deep in his heart, that Arthur would be okay if he didn't make it. And in a weird way, that's what gave him the strength to keep fighting.