The Test of Friendship

by MJMorris2

Merlin and Arthur have known each other their whole lives – they've literally been best friends since birth and are inseparable. What will happen when unexpected events occur that threaten their friendship? Will they get through it? AU taking place in modern times.

6. Remission

~ Chapter 6: Remission ~

A long, long six months passed before Merlin's results started to show enough of a decline in the cancer. It was six months of chemo; six months of his hair falling out; six months of crying from anger or frustration or simply because he didn't know what else to do; six months of Arthur being his lifeline. No one had expected Merlin to be there so long. He'd been responding to his treatment, but slowly. So, so slowly.

Merlin had no small amount of well–wishers while he was in the hospital, but his agitation grew with every one of them. It infuriated him that everyone who used to make fun of him (and who he knew still made fun of him) wanted to be friends with the kid with cancer. He stopped trying to be civil towards them when Sefa asked him if she'd get sick if she touched him. He was tempted to say yes just to get her to leave him alone.

After the first month, most people had stopped coming to visit him, and he wasn't sure if that was because the novelty had worn off or if Arthur had something to do with it. His instincts told him it was Arthur's doing.

Twice a week, one of Merlin's teachers would come and work with him. Arthur thought that Merlin should've used the time to take a break from school, but he was determined to finish the eighth grade. He wanted to start high school with Arthur, and Arthur really couldn't argue with that – mostly because he desperately wanted to start high school with Merlin as well.

Arthur quite possibly wanted Merlin out of the hospital more than Merlin wanted it. The past six months had been hard on Arthur too. Every nurse who knew Merlin knew Arthur just as well. It was hard not to. Not when Arthur was Merlin's fiercest advocate, protector, and friend.

Igraine had been worried that this would be too much for Arthur (a fear Merlin had shared), but if the stress got to him, Arthur never let them see it. For him, it was all worth it. Plus, there was the added perk that every celebration was a little extra special now, and Arthur was determined to find as many reasons to celebrate as possible.

Six weeks after Merlin was hospitalized, Merlin was getting ready to spend his first holiday in the hospital. Arthur had been surprised when Merlin had told him that he wished he could do something for Easter.

"You never even celebrated Easter." It felt like the umpteenth time he'd pointed that out.

"I know, but it's like now I couldn't celebrate it even if I wanted to. And I just keep thinking about everything else I'm going to miss – your birthday, maybe my birthday, will I be here for Mother's Day or the fourth of July?"

"I think you're overreacting," Arthur told him. "You didn't feel this way when St. Patrick's Day happened."

"Yes, he did. He just didn't tell you. You're a constant reminder of all the cool things we miss because we're stuck in here," Will snapped. "But he doesn't feel like he can complain about it because it was his own damn idea to make you live your life."

Arthur closed his eyes. "Can we go somewhere else? I don't want to keep waking up Will." He felt like Will intentionally needled him sometimes, and the last thing he wanted to do was get into a fight with him. If Merlin didn't care so much about Will, Arthur never would have found that self–restraint, but it mattered to Merlin that they at least tolerated one another.

Fortunately, Merlin agreed and they moved, but Arthur couldn't shake Will's words.

So, two days later, feeling self–conscious in a giant pair of bunny ears, Arthur walked into Merlin's room. Merlin took one look at him and began cracking up. "What are you wearing?"

"It's Easter." Arthur held up a basket. "And the Easter Bunny came."

"Oh my God. I thought you said I was being stupid."

"You were, but it seemed to matter to you, so…" Arthur shrugged and passed the basket to Merlin. He grabbed the smaller basket inside the bigger basket and plopped it on Will's bed. "Merlin said you were allergic to nuts, so I made yours separate." It was worth it just for the dumb, shocked expression on Will's face. Arthur wasn't going to do it, but his mom insisted that he needed to bring something for Will. "This is also from the Easter Bunny." Arthur threw a cell phone on Merlin's bed. "It already has all the important numbers in it."

Merlin opened it and chuckled. "Only your number's in here."

"Exactly." Arthur couldn't help his smile. He couldn't remember the last time Merlin looked so happy.

"Did you run this by my mom? She told me I couldn't get a phone until high school."

"It's actually a joint gift from the Easter Bunny and your mom. She felt like you might like to be able to text me and her during the day. She's going to come later, but I didn't want to wait."

Merlin had been so ecstatic; he'd talked about it for weeks. After that, Arthur made a point of celebrating something, whether made up or real, every week. It was his way of fighting the cancer right along with Merlin.

Merlin having a phone was a gamechanger on so many levels, but it came in particularly handy one random Saturday about a week after Arthur's fourteenth birthday.

Merlin woke up to the sound of someone gasping. He was so tired, it took him a second to realize what he was hearing. "Do you hear that?" he asked Will. When Will didn't answer, Merlin assumed he was sleeping through it until he turned on his light. His heart skipped a beat when he realized it was Will. "Will. Will!" Merlin's voice sounded rough and scratchy and, already, he could feel himself panicking. "Help." His voice was barely audible. "Help!" Realizing he wasn't getting enough volume, he pressed the 'help' button on the remote near his bed.

One of the overnight nurses popped her head in. "Is everything okay?" she asked. Her eyes got wide when she saw Will. Everything after that was a flurry of movement. Merlin wasn't aware of her calling for help, but she must've because a whole team of nurses seemed to storm their room.

He didn't try to get in their way. In fact, most of them didn't seem to notice him at all. He heard frantic cries of "he's not breathing" and "I'm starting CPR" and "he's still not breathing". The whole thing must've lasted two minutes before Will was rapidly wheeled out of their room. Then Merlin was left alone.

Merlin sat stunned. Several times, he looked over where Will's bed had been as he tried to understand how this had happened. Merlin's hands shook as he grabbed his phone and called Arthur. He answered immediately. "Merlin? It's 4 am. What are you doing up?"

"Arthur?" He couldn't help the choked sob that escaped him. He couldn't speak; he felt like he couldn't breathe in enough air.

Merlin couldn't explain what happened next because he had no memory of it. Maybe he fell asleep or maybe he got too numb to process anything, but suddenly, Arthur was in front of him. "Merlin. Merlin!" Arthur shook him.

Merlin blinked several times. "Is… is it visiting hours?"

"No. And it wasn't easy getting in here. What's going on?" Merlin looked at Will's empty bed. Arthur followed his gaze for a second before he looked back at Merlin. It hit Arthur a second later; he froze and looked at the big, empty space in Merlin's room. "No." He whipped back to face Merlin. "Where is he? Did they move him somewhere?"

Merlin shook his head and the sobs returned. Arthur held him tightly while he sobbed. Unknown to both of them, the same night nurse from earlier stepped into Merlin's room and stepped out. She knew Arthur shouldn't be there, but she didn't want to make him leave; she couldn't. Merlin needed him right now.

When Henry walked in Merlin's room the next morning, Merlin felt the blood drain from his face. He didn't try to wipe his tears as he sat up. "You don't work on Saturdays."

"No, I don't." Henry's voice cracked. "I have some really terrible news for you."

Merlin and Arthur sat with growing horror as Henry explained what had happened. He told them that Will's parents had given him the go–head to share that Will's cancer had spread to his lungs, liver, and kidney. They'd found out it was spreading a few weeks ago, but Will had asked them not to tell Merlin. He explained that Will had been determined to fight it anyway, but he tested positive for pneumonia when they got him to the sick room, and his body couldn't fight it off. He said something about their next steps with Merlin which involved a preventative dose of antibiotics and moving his room, but Merlin could only stare blankly. Will was gone.

The responsibility fell on Arthur to help Merlin move. He thought it was cruel when Merlin was still in shock after everything that happened, but they needed to sanitize his room, and no one wanted to take the chance that Merlin might get sick because they waited.

Merlin felt so broken, like his whole world had just shattered. Arthur helped him find some of the pieces. Arthur never told Merlin what he'd overheard from the nurses when he'd stepped outside to get Merlin a snack. That one death tended to lead to another, and they were terrified they were going to lose Merlin too. He practically ran back to Merlin's room, half expecting to find him unconscious or something. Instead, Merlin asked where his Twix was. Then, it turned into a whole production because Arthur couldn't get rid of the feeling that something would happen if he left Merlin, so Merlin had to get in his wheelchair and go with Arthur for his candy bar.

Arthur rarely left Merlin's side after that and, when visiting hours ended, the nurses pretended not to notice Arthur crouching behind the spare bed in Merlin's new room.

At one point, they heard something that sounded like someone was choking coming from Merlin's room. Several of the nurses went to check on him, expecting the worst, and discovered him cackling in response to some story Arthur was telling him with big arm gestures. For a moment, they just watched the boys together. They knew it was going to be a long time before Merlin was okay, but he wasn't going through this alone.

Three weeks later, in an effort to focus on things other than Will, Merlin confided in Arthur that he was dreading the idea of spending his fourteenth birthday in the hospital (his exact words had been "it sucked enough that you insisted on celebrating your birthday here"), and Arthur's mind immediately began to spin. It had taken some pleading, fake crying, and compromising, but Arthur eventually got his way.

When Merlin's birthday rolled around, he woke up to see Arthur sitting in a wheelchair at the base of his bed. Both of his feet were on the plastic bed end, and he was pushing himself back and forth. Back and forth. The action looked so casual, Merlin wondered if he was imagining it.

"Uh, Arthur?" Arthur looked up, and a huge smile spread across his face. "What are you doing here?" Merlin glanced at the clock on his bedside. "Shouldn't you be in school?"

"On your birthday? Nah," Arthur said casually. "Though I would've taken a half day if I knew you were going to sleep til noon."

Merlin flushed and looked down at his bed. "I take a nap most mornings, so I won't fall asleep when you're here," he admitted. "Or when anyone's here. I can't believe you're here. How'd you make this work?"

"I'm going to be doing the dishes for a month," Arthur said glumly. He wasn't looking forward to it but that was his mom's compromise. He didn't mention that if his grades dropped at all, he was going to be grounded for life; Merlin didn't need to know that. "But it doesn't matter. I'm here to spring you. We're going outside."

"I don't know what this we and outside thing is, but I'm pretty sure –" Merlin started.

"That I'm awesome and convinced the nurses to let me take you outside in the reflection garden? You would be correct," Arthur finished smugly.

Merlin stared at Arthur for several moments. "How?" he finally managed.

Arthur shrugged. "Does it matter?" He held up a mask. "You have to wear this to prevent you from getting sick because of the whole chemo kills your immune system along with the cancer thing." Merlin reached for the mask, but Arthur whipped it back. "We'll go after lunch, of course. They brought it in while you were sleeping."

Merlin glanced at the tray to his left and sighed. "I'm not hungry. Nothing tastes right to me right now anyway."

"Humor me." Merlin grumbled under his breath while he lifted the lid and then a gleeful laugh escaped him. "If you told me that I'd be adding hot sauce to anything you wanted to eat, I would've thought you were crazy. I know it's not much, but Henry said this should give you a little bit of flavor. He said super spicy and sweet have been working for you."

"I can't believe this." Merlin took a bite and a look of pure euphoria spread across his face. "This is the best birthday ever." He took another bite. "Really sour works too. They try to do what they can here, but there's only so much spice they can add and most of the food is flavorless to me. I had a cucumber milkshake yesterday that was surprisingly good."

"A cucumber… milkshake?" Arthur tried to keep the disgust off his face.

Merlin nodded, seemingly oblivious. "There was a lot of sour mix in it. Will –" Merlin cut himself off.

"I'm sorry he's not here," Arthur murmured. He'd never been crazy about Will, mostly because Will hadn't been crazy about him, but his death still hit Arthur hard. It was like it made everything so real for him. Like he realized that Merlin could be fine one day and dead the next. Just like Will.

"Not today. Please," Merlin whispered. "I don't want to think about it today." He put the cover over his food. "I'm not hungry. Can we go now?"

"Of course," Arthur promised. He watched as Merlin got into the wheelchair. Sometimes, he couldn't do it himself, but he must've been having a good day, or he had a surplus of energy from his nap.

They were silent while Kara, one of the other nurses in oncology, fastened Merlin's IV, secured the things he had to put on his legs to keep his blood circulating, and made sure his mask was on tightly. She forced him into a thick wool hat and a jacket before she deemed him ready.

When they got to the reflection garden, Merlin looked at the glass door that separated him from the outside world with wonder like he wasn't sure it would actually open.

Arthur backed through it, careful to make sure Merlin was clear of the door before he let it close. It was still cold, so the beautiful flowers that had been there when Merlin was first hospitalized had been replaced with leafy plants. At the center of the garden was a massive willow tree with weeping leaves so long that they nearly touched the ground in some places. "Where do you want to go?" They'd only ever looked at the plants from afar and Arthur hadn't thought about what they'd do once they were out here.

"Can you take me to the willow?" Merlin asked hopefully. "I've always wondered what it would be like under it, but I never thought they'd let me come out here."

Arthur dutifully wheeled Merlin over to the willow. He pushed aside the leaves so they wouldn't scrape Merlin. It was unlikely that they would hurt Merlin, but he didn't want to take the chance. Especially not when allowing Merlin outside had been a huge concession on the nurses' and doctors' part.

Being under the willow was like being in a different world. Merlin hadn't been prepared for that. He felt like he'd been transported to a mystical place where bad things like cancer couldn't possibly exist.

He closed his eyes and leaned back in his chair. "What are you thinking about?" Arthur asked curiously.

"About how nice it is to be outside and to breathe some fresh air." Merlin took a deep breath to emphasize his words. "I forgot what it smells like."

"Real air doesn't smell like this." Arthur thought of the random smells that always seemed to permeate throughout the city. It was nothing like the fresh, clean, leafy smell here.

"Yes, it does. It smells alive." Arthur didn't know what to say to that, so he said nothing. "It makes me feel like there might be a life after all of this. Like maybe the chemo and the cancer aren't killing me."

"They're not."

"I dunno. Sometimes, it feels like they are. Like I can't possibly survive all of this." Merlin shuddered and pulled his jacket tighter around himself. "I know it's messed up, but… after Will. It's so hard to believe that I'm strong enough for this."

Arthur sat down next to Merlin. "I used to think I was the strong one. Maybe it's because I'm bigger, but I always felt like there was nothing I couldn't take on. Then you got sick, and I realized it's always been you. You've always been the strong one. I wouldn't be able to handle something like this, but you? You're made of something that can't be broken. You can do this. I know you can."

Merlin started to sob. "I'm not. I'm really not. You don't understand what this is like. Everyone needs me to be strong for them, and I don't have enough left for me. I can't do this, Arthur. I can't."

Arthur moved so he was kneeling in front of Merlin and wrapped his arms around him. Merlin clutched tufts of his jacket as he sobbed into Arthur's shoulder. Arthur felt so helpless. Surely, there must be something he could do. Whatever that something was, he couldn't figure it out, so he just held Merlin tightly, hoping that this would be enough.

It took several minutes for Merlin's sobs to calm to hiccupy cries and another several minutes before they faded away entirely. When Arthur pulled back, Merlin hastily wiped at his face but couldn't fully hide the streaks his tears left behind.

Arthur pretended not to notice as he climbed to his feet. "I think that's all the time we have out here," he murmured quietly. He couldn't shake the feeling of impending doom that filled him. He'd thought Merlin would be home by now. It had been a long four months, but he'd been sure that any day now, Merlin's results would come back and say that enough of his cancer had been killed by the chemo that he could go home. Now, Arthur was wondering if he'd just been deluding himself.

When the elevator arrived at the oncology wing, Arthur guided Merlin left instead of right toward his room. "Where are we going?" Merlin asked uncertainly.

Arthur sighed. "Taking you outside was only part one of your birthday. I have this thing planned, and… I can't cancel it now. If you could just smile for a few minutes, I promise I'll tell everyone you're too tired to stay and that you have to go back to your room."

"What are you talking about?"

"This." Arthur wheeled Merlin into the common area that was filled with books, puzzles, arts and crafts, and just about anything that someone could want to do.

No sooner had they crossed over the archway than several people jumped out from various crevices and screamed, "surprise!"

Merlin's mouth was open in a little, shocked "o".

"Did you do this?" he demanded as he looked at Arthur.

"I didn't want to let you turn fourteen without a party," Arthur admitted dejectedly. He should've just done something simple. That would've been better. This was just added pressure; pressure Merlin certainly didn't need.

Arthur expected Merlin to take him up on the offer of pretending to be tired (or actually being tired; Arthur knew he must've been exhausted), but Merlin stuck it out for hours. Arthur wasn't sure why. At the time, the idea had seemed so epic, but it fell flat of what he'd imagined. There was a chocolate cake with "Happy Birthday Merlin" written on it in white icing, but Arthur couldn't shake the feeling that it was as flavorless as air to Merlin. There was the banner that Arthur had made himself that looked like a toddler had made it. At least their moms had done a great job with the balloons; they were bright and cheery.

Arthur tried to keep a forced smile on his face as everyone told Merlin how lucky he was to have a friend like Arthur and as they wished him a happy birthday on their way out. When he got Merlin back to his room and Laylie, the night nurse, changed out his IV, she glanced at Arthur. "Visiting hours are technically over," she whispered. "But I'll give you a few more minutes. Once I finish my rounds, you've gotta go."

"Okay," Arthur told her. She looked surprised that he wasn't fighting her on it. In truth, Arthur was usually begging her for extra time, but he had a feeling he wasn't going to need it tonight. Sure enough, there was only silence once she left. "Well, happy birthday."

"Arthur, wait." Merlin pushed himself so he was sitting up. "About before…"

"We don't need to talk about it."

"We do," Merlin said softly. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to lose it like that."

"Why didn't you tell me you felt that way?" Arthur took a seat in his spot at the base of Merlin's bed.

"Because I didn't want you to think I was giving up."

"Have you?" Arthur had to look away. "Given up?"

"I think I started to," Merlin admitted. "But what you did for me today… wow. I mean, it's just incredible. Since everything happened with Will, I've kind of been feeling like… why bother, you know? Because if Will couldn't fight this, what chance do I have? But then there was this party, and everyone I care about was there. I dunno. It just feels like maybe I have a whole team of people behind me." Merlin cocooned himself the best he could in a blanket. "I don't have anyone who can understand what this is like. And you can't be part of everything. You can't be part of chemo or understand how it feels like I'm dying even as I'm taking steps toward life, and I've been telling myself that means it's me versus cancer. You showed me today that it doesn't mean I'm alone. I got pretty lucky in the friend department."

Arthur sighed. "If you feel this way, I really wish you'd talk to me. I'm not stupid. I know that I can't understand everything, but… I just don't want you to feel like you can't talk about it. I never made it a secret how I felt about Will –"

"You hated him," Merlin interrupted.

"I didn't like him," Arthur acquiesced. "But part of me loved him because I knew that you could talk to him differently than you could talk to me and, yeah, that drove me nuts, but it also… I dunno. Made me feel like everything was going to be okay. If things get tough like this again, please don't worry about being strong for me. Be strong for yourself first. Just let it out."

"I'll try," Merlin promised. And he did. When things got tough, he did his best to explain it to Arthur, and he carried the strength he found on his birthday with him every day.

He carried it with him when Will's death hit him particularly hard. He could still remember it like it happened yesterday. He carried it with him when he and Arthur were being yelled at for "their reckless display" when Arthur had attempted to sneak Merlin out of the hospital so he could go swimming. "Doesn't chlorine kill all the germs anyway?" Arthur had complained.

That strength carried him right to the moment where Gaius strode into his room, interrupted the competitive game of Bananagrams that he and Arthur were playing, and told him his mother was on her way. Merlin spent several minutes assuming the worst. His cancer wasn't responding to treatment and had grown, he'd advanced a stage, it had spread. He was so sure that it was one of those. Then, before Hunith could even sit down, Gaius spoke the words he'd been longing to hear for over six months. "Your bloodwork from yesterday came back," Gaius began. His face was stoic and serious for a moment before a huge grin spread. "Congratulations. You're officially in remission."

Merlin stared. "I… what?"

"Does that mean he can go home?" Arthur's hand dug into Merlin's arm, but Merlin didn't mind.

"Yes. We're kicking you out, so pack your bags," Gaius teased. "Henry wanted the honor, so he's going to be in soon to take out your IV."

"I'm… I'm leaving?" Merlin could hardly believe his ears. He turned to Arthur who was positively beaning. "I'm going home!"

"You're going home," Arthur agreed.

The whole process of getting discharged took forever. There were forms Hunith needed to sign and information they needed.

Finally, Arthur was helping Merlin into a wheelchair sans annoying IV bag. The moment they were given the go ahead to leave, Arthur pushed Merlin as fast as he could down the hallway. "Freedom!" he screamed.

Merlin let out a euphoric laugh. "Freedom!" he echoed.

Several nurses shook their heads and exchanged eye rolls but none of them interfered. They were all familiar with Merlin and Arthur and knew Arthur would never let any real harm come to Merlin. It had been a long six months for everyone involved in Merlin's care, so they were relieved to be witnessing this moment.

Arthur ended up doing a full lap with Merlin just so he could say goodbye and thank you to everyone.

Merlin took a deep breath as Arthur pushed him out the front door of the hospital. A burst of heat hit him, but he didn't care. He squinted against the sun and was immediately accosted by the sounds of the outside. He heard a tire squeak in the distance and the hum of idle chatter. Igraine pulled up in front of the hospital. Arthur let Hunith sit in the back with Merlin, and he sat in the front.

It barely took any pleading on Arthur's part to convince his mom that he could walk home once Merlin got tired.

It was slow moving. Merlin insisted on carrying his bag and was out of breath after just a few steps, so they had to take a break. It took a determined, "I need to do this" for Hunith and Arthur to back off.

Once Merlin got to his room and got settled in bed, Hunith ran to get him some water. "What's wrong?" Arthur asked quietly. He sat down on Merlin's bed and looked around. It was eerie how wrong the room felt like now, as if it had been designed for a different Merlin. It kind of had been, Arthur realized. He made a mental note to see if Merlin wanted them to fix it once his strength was back.

"Nothing," Merlin lied.

"I'm not oblivious. I can see something's been bugging you since we left. I thought you'd be happy to be out."

"I am." Merlin took a moment to gather his thoughts. "I thought I'd be really happy too, and I am, but it's weird. It's like I know that this isn't really the end. Cancer isn't magically gone from my life. We've been talking about high school for forever, but now? I don't want to be the kid with cancer."

"You won't be," Arthur promised. "And if anyone tries to turn you into that, I'll take care of them."

"How? We're probably going to have different classes," Merlin pointed out.

"Nope," Arthur said, popping the p. "I have it on good authority that we're going to have the same schedule."

"What did you do?" Merlin sat up wide–eyed.

"I may have convinced my father to talk to the school about making sure you have peer support after all of the trauma you've gone through."

"What dictionary did you look in for that? And how exactly did you convince your dad?"

"I stole his laptop so he couldn't do any work until he… oh, what did he call it? 'Catered to my childish whims'," Arthur said with a mischievous smile.

Merlin laughed. "Nothing will surprise me after this," he said, shaking his head. His laughter quickly faded.

Arthur studied Merlin for a moment, marveling at how different he seemed. Once upon a time, he could read Merlin like a book, but now Merlin was foreign to him. "What else is bothering you?"

"Nothing you can help me with. Unless you want to give me that blanket." Merlin shivered as if to emphasize his point.

Arthur passed him the blanket. "You promised, remember?"

Merlin looked at him so intensely, Arthur had to duck his head and look away. "I did promise, but are you sure you want to know? It's stupid."

"Tell me. Or do you want me to think my best friend in the whole world doesn't trust me enough to tell me what is bothering him?"

"Best friend in the whole world?" Merlin questioned. Arthur crossed his arms. "Fine. I'm scared. Happy now?"

"Scared about what?"

"Just… scared. Of everything. That this isn't the end, that the cancer might come back, that I might not be able to fight it next time, that I have to be scared of cancer for the rest of my life."

"Dr. Gaius said something about you being considered cancer free," Arthur pointed out.

"In five years, yes, but that's not a guarantee."

Arthur had no idea what to say to that. Fortunately, Merlin gave him time to gather his scattered thoughts. "Mer, I can't say it's going to be okay because I don't know for sure, and I won't lie to you. I will say that I believe that you will be okay. I believe that no matter if your cancer comes back or if you get sick with something else, you will be okay."

"How do you know?"

"Because I know you. I've known you since the day you were born."

"Day after," Merlin corrected.

"Day after," Arthur conceded. "My point is, I've known you all your life. You can do this." Arthur didn't need to try to convince himself that his words were true. He felt them. Deep down, he felt their truth.