~ Chapter 10: Sick ~

After Freya's death, Merlin's condition deteriorated significantly. The doctors and nurses talked about it in hushed whispers. They wanted Merlin to fight, but they couldn't fight for him. He needed to find his will and zest for life again. Even Arthur didn't seem to make him want to fight.

Six days after Freya died, Arthur and Merlin were playing a silent card game. Most of the time they spent together was quiet now. It was a mix of Merlin's reluctance and how difficult it was to remain upright for an extended period of time. When visiting hours were almost over and Merlin was lying down in bed, he called Arthur's name. Arthur materialized in front of him. "What's wrong? What do you need?"

"I need you to do something for me." Merlin's words sounded scratchy and dry.

"Anything, Mer. You know that."

"Ask Gwen out."

"What? I told you, I don't –"

"Shut up, Arthur." The sheer volume of Merlin's voice cut through Arthur. "Stop pushing her away so that you can spend more time with me. I know you like her."

Arthur shook his head. "We're friends."

"Don't you dare lie to me, Arthur Pendragon. Not after what I've just been through." Merlin's eyes filled with tears and he squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. "After I'm gone, I need to make sure you have someone to take care of you. Someone who isn't afraid to deflate your ego. You like her; she likes you. Just ask her out."

"You're not going anywhere."

"I feel it," Merlin whispered. "It's my time to go." More than just a feeling, Merlin was so tired of fighting. He was ready. He was ready for this damn fight to be over. Dying terrified him, but it no longer seemed as scary as living.

"No!" Arthur felt burning in the back of his throat and the warm streak of tears down his cheek. "It's not your time. It can't be."

"Just promise me. I don't want to see you lose someone you really care about. It's complete shit; trust me. Gwen will be able to take care of you. She'll be there for you. Just promise me you'll let her in and give her your heart because you deserve someone like Gwen. Promise me you'll let yourself care for her. Don't go through this alone."

Arthur stared at Merlin. Did he know he was asking the impossible? Arthur so badly wanted to scream "no" as loudly as he could, but he wouldn't deny Merlin. Arthur had pushed his feelings for Gwen deep down because he was watching the most important person in his life fade away; he didn't want anyone to be privy to his weakness. He also didn't want to let himself get distracted by her when he knew Merlin needed his help. "I promise." A small smile crossed Merlin's lips. It was the first time Arthur had seen him smile since Freya died. "But I need you to promise me something. I need you to promise me that you'll fight this. Promise that you will really try your best to get better so you can come back to school and take the seat next to me that I don't let anyone sit in. Promise."

Merlin closed his eyes. It was several minutes before he muttered a wheezy, "I promise."

Arthur felt relief surge through him. The boys took their promises seriously, so if Merlin promised, he meant it.

Arthur fulfilled his promise the very next day. He lingered outside the cafeteria for a moment. He'd been sitting with Gwen and Morgana all year, but terror filled him as he considered approaching the table. One step at a time, he forced himself to move until he got to Gwen.

"Can I talk to you?" He tried not to nervously fidget. For all the hell he gave Merlin about confessing his feelings to Freya, he wasn't setting a very good example.

Gwen's smile lit up her face. "Of course!"

She followed him outside the crowded lunchroom. "What's up?"

Arthur stared at her and realized that he hadn't figured this part out. He'd hyped himself up to get to her but had no clue what to say. "I, um, I need to…" He sighed. "I went to see Merlin yesterday."

"You go to see him everyday." Gwen studied him. "Did something happen? Is Merlin okay?"

Arthur shook his head. "He thinks –" Arthur took a deep breath. "He doesn't think he's going to make it."

"Oh, Arthur, I'm so sorry. I know what it's like to lose someone you love." Gwen's mother had passed away from a heart condition when Gwen was eleven. "You'll be okay."

"I'm not so sure about that, but um, he asked me to promise him something." Gwen tilted her head. "I don't know what I'm doing right now. Usually the girls I date do the hard part and throw themselves at me, but you're not like that, and I want to do this right."

"What are you saying?"

"I like you, Gwen. I have no idea if you like me too, but I promised Merlin I would be honest with you and tell you." Arthur felt his embarrassment crash over him in waves. "I know I probably sound like an idiot, and I swear, I'm not usually this… this. You're just such an amazing person and that makes this matter so much more. You're kind and selfless and funny. There are so many things about you I like, but above everything else, I like that you are always honest with me. You tell me the truth even if it hurts, especially if I'm being a complete idiot about something. Merlin always tells me that I need to be more in touch with my feelings, but I'm not good at it. You make me want to figure it all out. You make me want to figure out how to explain that I think about you all the time, that I miss you when I don't get to see you on the weekends, thatI hope you'll be a big part of my future. I want to figure out how to explain that your smile makes me smile because you're so beautiful, but you light up when you smile. And –"

Arthur is abruptly cut off by Gwen's lips. For a moment, he stood there shocked. Then he started to kiss her back. Electric pulses seemed to crackle between them, and he was left wanting more. Much, much more. Gwen always seemed so sweet and reserved, but her kiss made him realize there were unexplored depths to her. He looked forward to getting to know every part of her.

"That is definitely the best way to tell me to shut up. Feel free to do it all the time." His emotions were still so overwhelming, he wasn't sure if his words came out in the right order, but he thought Gwen knew what he was saying.

Gwen smiled before she picked up his wrist to check his watch. "We still have over half an hour of lunch left. Let's go somewhere and talk."

They ended up in the band room because the door was open, but no one was inside.

Arthur quickly found out that as soon as he started talking, he couldn't make himself stop. He half expected Gwen to turn and run, but the entire time he was talking to her, she held him in a comforting embrace. She didn't interrupt him and let him speak as long as he needed to about how scared he was for Merlin, about how he wasn't sure he was strong enough to deal with that loss, about how he worried that Merlin had given up. She didn't try to tell him that it would be okay, which he was grateful for. She just told him she would be there for him no matter what.

For the first time in the six months Merlin had been in the hospital, Arthur didn't go visit him. He sent him a text, you were right. I kept my promise; Merlin never responded to it.

Arthur spent the day with Gwen. For the first time, he started to understand what Merlin had been talking about when he explained how he'd felt with Freya. He had always said he had never felt more alive than when he got to share the little moments with Freya; Arthur felt the same way about Gwen.

Arthur had dated a lot, and he'd hooked up a few times, but none of that compared to spending a quiet night talking with Gwen over milkshakes. When he dropped Gwen off at her house late that night, he made a mental note to thank Merlin when he saw him tomorrow. He realized he might not have ever told Gwen about his feelings if Merlin hadn't pushed him.

Arthur woke up feeling like he was on top of the world; nothing could bring him down today. He met up with Gwen before school, and his mood only got better when Gwen agreed to go with him to see Merlin after school today. Arthur figured Merlin already knew because of the text Arthur had sent, but he wanted to show Merlin that he was right.

Arthur found out exactly what could burst the cloud he was floating on and send him back to the real world amidst a roaring hurricane when he got a text in the middle of class. A text from Hunith.

Sorry, Arthur. I know you're in school, but I felt like you had a right to know. Merlin's sick. I'm so sorry. They're letting me in to say goodbye today. I'll tell Merlin to hold on for you.

Arthur wasn't aware of moving. He stood up, gathered his stuff, and walked out of his classroom without ever taking his eyes off of his phone. There were still almost thirty minutes left in class, and his teacher had to have called after him or something, but he didn't notice. He didn't hear the whispers or feel the stares that had been directed toward him. There was only one thing he was capable of thinking of: he'd held up his end of his promise, so now it was Merlin's turn. He wasn't going to die. Arthur wouldn't let him.

He wasn't met with any resistance as he marched right out of the school. He pulled his car keys out of his pocket and didn't notice that someone had been standing by his car until he started his car, and they knocked on his window.

He rolled it down. "Morgana texted me. She said you left class and you were crying." Arthur brought his hand up to his cheek and was surprised when it came back wet. Oh, he guessed he was crying. "You look like you could use a friend. Would I look too much like an obsessive girlfriend if I tagged along?"

Arthur shook his head and waited for Gwen to get in. He didn't have the voice to explain to her how much this meant to him.

Gwen never asked where they were going but didn't look surprised when Arthur parked in the hospital parking lot.

It wasn't until they entered the hospital and walked right past a security guard who gave Arthur a high–five that he spoke. "Merlin's sick." The words didn't seem more real now that he spoke them out loud. "His chemo makes his immune system shit, and he got sick."

"But they're treating him, right? Surely that means he'll be fine."

"A little over a week ago, Merlin's girlfriend died. I think… I think it was too much for him. This is all my fault. I should have realized how bad it was. They say that morale is more than half the battle with cancer, and Merlin…" Arthur couldn't finish.

Gwen took his hand and silently followed him through the halls of the hospital. Arthur wouldn't have known what to say if their positions were reversed. Her presence in itself was comforting.

Arthur didn't bother going to Merlin's normal room; he went straight to the room Merlin had been in the last time he got sick. Sure enough, he saw Hunith standing outside the large window looking into the room. One of her hands was resting on the glass, and the other clutched at her chest. Her tears were familiar but the haunted look in her eyes made Arthur feel like they'd already lost Merlin.

She looked up at the sound of his footsteps. "Arthur? What are you doing here? You should be in school."

"I need to be here." He looked through the glass. Merlin's back was facing them. It was almost easy for Arthur to pretend he was just sleeping. "Did they let you in?"

Hunith nodded. "I got to… to say goodbye. I don't know if he understood me; he's conscious but not responsive to anything."

"Can I go in and talk to him? Can I get sterilized like the doctors?"

A nurse nearby looked over. "Family only."

"He's Merlin's brother," Hunith said without skipping a beat.

Arthur felt the truth of her words. They weren't related by blood, but Merlin was still every bit his brother.

The nurse frowned. Arthur didn't recognize her, but she probably recognized him. Would she call them out or let it go? "I'm not making promises, but I'll ask."

They stood there for several minutes before the nurse returned with Gaius. "I understand you want to see your brother?" Gaius's words might have sounded teasing if this situation weren't so literally dire.

"Yes." Arthur met Gaius's gaze and waited.

Gaius pulled out a plastic bag with a hospital gown inside. "You will need to put this on once you step inside. You'll be sanitized and then you will have to go through another door to get to Merlin's room." Arthur breathed a sigh of relief; Gaius hadn't put up even a little fight.

"Thank you," Arthur breathed.

Gaius looked at him. "Bring him back to us." Gaius said it so softly, Arthur wasn't sure he heard him correctly.

Arthur followed every safety instruction he needed to and finally, he was in Merlin's room. Merlin's eyes were closed but they were fluttering. He hoped that Merlin could hear him. This was likely the only chance he'd have to say what he needed to say. "Hey, Mer," he whispered. "It's me." Arthur hesitantly reached for Merlin's hand. It felt cold and lifeless. "Your mom said I should say goodbye, but I can't. Because this can't be it." Arthur hastily wiped away his tears. "Do you remember when we were ten? We went to that vacation house that was literally in the middle of nowhere. We were riding our bikes and suddenly, we realized we had no clue where we were. We ended up having to spend the night in the forest because we couldn't figure out how to get out and you thought the safest thing was to stay put until morning and then see if we could figure out which way we were supposed to go? I asked you how you were so calm, and do you remember what you said? You said nothing's too big or too scary if we're together. That's still true, Mer. I need you."

"I needed you to get my shit together about Gwen. You were right, you know. I did what I promised. I made a complete ass of myself in the process, but I told her how I felt. And she kissed me. I get what you were saying about Freya now. I get why Freya leaving you makes you feel like there's no reason left to fight, but there is, Mer. There's always a reason to live. And you promised. I kept my side. I made other friends when we first found out about your cancer, and I told Gwen about my feelings. It's your turn. You promised, Merlin. You have to fight this; you have to get better!"

At that exact moment, Merlin opened his eyes. He met Arthur's crystal blue ones and gave him a small smile that seemed to light up his whole face.

Arthur nearly wept with relief. It was short–lived because Merlin closed his eyes a second later. The room that had been filled with a steady beeping was suddenly filled with a single unbroken note.

Arthur didn't understand what was happening at first as medical personnel seemed to swarm the room. It wasn't until someone started doing CPR on Merlin that it hit Arthur. "No. No! NO! You promised, Merlin! You fucking promised!" Arthur wasn't sure how many times he screamed that before he was physically forced from the room.

Arthur pressed himself as close to the window as possible. He was faintly aware of a warm hand rubbing circles into his back. It should have felt soothing, but nothing could calm him right now. He was watching Merlin die before his very eyes. It wasn't fair; it wasn't right. Arthur swelled with anger. How dare he? How dare he break his promise?

"Arthur?" He recognized his mom's voice right away.

"He promised." Arthur felt numb. "He promised he would fight. He promised." He kept repeating it over and over again. His mom held him tightly and kept whispering, "I'm so sorry" in his ear.

Hunith held them too. It was as much to lend strength as it was to lean on theirs. The three of them? They were Merlin's family.

Just as Arthur accepted that he'd truly lost his best friend, the most glorious sound met Arthur's ears. For a moment, he just stared at the glass. It wasn't until he heard Hunith's disbelieving laugh that he realized he wasn't imagining it. Merlin's heart had restarted.

The three of them still cried together, but they were tears of joy now. Something told Arthur that Merlin was going to be okay.

Sure enough, four days later, Merlin was moved back to his room. It was hard to say who was more excited about it. "I heard you, you know," Merlin whispered his first night back when Arthur was attempting to evade the nurses. "I'm sorry, you know. You were right. I gave up after Freya and that wasn't fair. To you or my mom or… me. I just got so tired fighting a losing battle, but then you were screaming at me when I was dying… rude, by the way. But it got through to me. I don't know if I would have pulled through if it wasn't for you."

"Do you remember anything when your heart stopped? Was it like in the movies where you had an out of body experience?"

Merlin snorted. "No. It was like nothing at all. Not like I was sleeping, but like it didn't happen. I remember you yelling at me and then I remember being surrounded by a bunch of doctors. There's nothing in between."

Arthur laid down on the spare bed. He couldn't say what he needed to say if he could see Merlin. "I was so scared."

"I'm sorry."

"Let me say this, please." Merlin didn't say anything else, so Arthur continued. "You're fighting a battle that I think I would have lost ages ago and that's terrifying, but even scarier is… I don't know who I am without you."

"Come on. Be serious."

"I am being serious. You're my best friend, but it's more than that. You know me better than I know myself. You call me out on my stuff when I'm being ridiculous and make sure I'm not screwing up my life. Do you remember what I said about Gwen?" Arthur rolled onto his side.

Merlin frowned before he grinned and pushed himself up. "You actually did it?"

Arthur nodded. "Gwen's… kinda my girlfriend." It felt surreal to say it out loud. Gwen had called herself his girlfriend and he hadn't even noticed. Then they'd talked about it, and Gwen agreed not to tell anyone until he could tell Merlin.

Merlin might've been happier than Arthur. It was a turning point in Merlin's cancer care as well.

A few weeks later, Arthur and Gwen managed to smuggle in a small Christmas tree. Arthur had sprayed it down before they brought it in, so it smelled more like Lysol than pine, but it was eventually discovered when they were decorating it. Merlin sat on the couch in the lounge, bundled up in blankets watching and laughing while they argued over where to put the ornaments. Other patients in the ward weighed in on it too or hung up ornaments themselves. For a little while, it felt like Christmas.

Then they were found out. It was a battle to keep the tree in the lounge, but Arthur pointed out, any germs on it had already spread, and he could still smell the faint citrus of the Lysol, so he was pretty sure there hadn't been any. It wasn't until almost every kid in the ward unanimously sided with Arthur that the tree got to stay.

It seemed like all Merlin needed to get better was some Christmas spirit. He was cleared to go home mid–January and was looking forward to going back to school in February. His mom said the school could have sent teachers to his house for the rest of the school year, but Merlin wanted to go back even if he was scared. He'd worked so hard to keep apace with his classmates and catch up after his brief stint with not caring about anything. He wanted to have as normal a high school experience as he could, and he was going to graduate on time even if he had to spend every spare second of his time doing schoolwork.

Merlin's first day back to school, he had trouble getting out of Arthur's car. The last thing he wanted was to be the sick kid with cancer, but he knew once he walked in, that's all he would be.

"You good?" Arthur asked.

"Yeah," Merlin said after a moment. "I'm good." He was surprised that he actually meant it. He was healthy and, at least for now, that was enough.