A/N: So firstly, I am not abandoning my other fics. I just have this problem where after a while if I get kinda stuck on my other works in progress my brain is like "Well maybe you should write something new," and I'm powerless to stop it. Or I hear a song that sparks an idea that can't just be a oneshot. Both things kinda happened here. You can blame YouHaveAMerryHeart and ClassicTVJunkie for enabling my muse. The second thing is that while this will be rough, difficult, and heartbreaking at times it is NOT a death fic. I can't kill off EO. I did in a oneshot years ago and then decided I didn't have the heart to ever do it again. That being said, cancer is something that hits close to home and it's not an easy subject, so please don't feel obligated to read this. Growing up I lost a grandfather and a close cousin to cancer, so I definitely understand that this may be too hard for some to read. Also in this chapter there's a trigger warning for a reference to Tucker's suicide. Please proceed with caution.

Thank you to YHAMH and CTVJ for helping me brainstorm!

Olivia looked up from her computer when she saw Elliot walk into her office. A smile formed because she knew he would have something to say about her being back at work so soon against the urgent care doctor's orders.

"Hey," Olivia said.

"You working already?" Elliot said.

"Yeah, well unfortunately sexual assault doesn't stop just because a doctor in Ohio tells me to take it easy," she said.

Her smile dropped when she looked at him, still dressed in his funeral suit.

"Aww, I'm so sorry about your guy Whelan."

"Me too," Elliot said. "It got me thinking again."

"About?" she asked.

"How precious life is."

Olivia sensed there was something he wasn't telling her, something more than just losing a colleague, but she didn't comment. He turned around, pacing the floor of her office before placing a brown paper bag on her desk. There was a deep sadness in his eyes that tugged on her heartstrings.

"What is this?" Olivia asked.

"A reminder," he said, turning his back to her before continuing. "I wanted to give it to you before I left."

Her stomach dropped. He was leaving her again. A selfish part of her wanted to yell at him not to, but she couldn't make the words leave her mouth.

"Before you left?" Olivia asked. "Are you going somewhere?"

He swallowed hard, facing her again.

"New case," he said. "I'll be gone for a while."

Olivia tried to calm her heart rate, and tried to remind herself that he just said a while. He didn't say forever.

"Well thank you for telling me this time."

Elliot grinned. Olivia thought she saw a glimmer of relief in his nervous expression but she couldn't figure out why. She returned his smile and put her hand in the bag, pulling out what was inside.

"I like small boxes," she said.

"I know," he said.

She put her hand on the lid but he interrupted her, a mischievous look on his face.

"Wait a minute, wait a minute. Not so fast," Elliot said. "I wanna know what's in that box first."

He pointed to the McCann's still-wrapped Christmas present he had teased her about the night they ate Chinese together in her office like old times.

"You do, do you?" Olivia asked. "Okay, I'll make you a deal. You open it you keep it."

She bit her lip to keep from laughing when he unwrapped the box and pulled out the cheesiest fucking ornament either of them had ever seen. Leave it to the boring, cookie-cutter family to give her a generic "Live, Love, Laugh" item.

"Having a little regret there aren't you?" she asked.

Of all the things she expected, it wasn't for him to break off the "e" in "Live."

"Nah," Elliot said, "you can always fix things."

Liv, Love, Laugh.

Liv.

For her.

He loved her.

He loved her and it still hit her like a freight train. She didn't know what to do with it. She didn't know how to handle the fierceness, the intensity that came with being loved by this man. She didn't feel worthy of it. That was why she'd said she wasn't ready all those months ago.

"Now I'll treasure it," he said. There were tears in his eyes and she felt tears fill her own. It felt like a goodbye. Even if it was temporary, it hurt.

"Your turn."

She was thankful he turned away again briefly because when she opened the small box he'd given her, the tears threatened to spill.

"A compass," she said. "Elliot this—this is beautiful."

She couldn't hide the emotion in her voice as she looked at the pendant in front of her. It must have cost him a fortune, much more than he could afford on a detective's salary.

"Thank you."

Elliot didn't respond, just nodded. She wondered if he was holding back emotion too.

The worry crept in again. This gesture was too much for him just to be leaving on a case. She was always the one who bought Kathy's gifts when they were partners. Now he was suddenly bringing Olivia jewelry because he was leaving for a case?

Something didn't feel right.

"Is it supposed to lead me somewhere?" Olivia asked. "Or to something?"

"Lead you to happiness, Liv," he said.

She nodded, swallowing the lump in her throat that told her something was wrong. It felt too final. It reminded her of her last conversation with Ed in the park before his death.

"Well, I'm sure as hell gonna try," she said.

She gave him a shaky smile, not wanting him to see how worried she was. It really was a beautiful gift. No one had done something like that for her before. It made her feel cherished, desired, and loved. It also made her miss him before he even walked out the door.

"Me too," Elliot said, reaching for the doorknob. "Partner."

She tried to tell herself it was just her abandonment issues triggering again. Tried to remind herself that he wasn't abandoning her this time, that he would be back. But her blood ran cold the minute he closed the door behind him.

She laid the compass back in the box and put it in her desk drawer to keep it safe, then rushed out of her office.

"El, wait!" Olivia called.

Luckily, he was still in the squad room. His eyes were red and he wiped them quickly.

"Liv I gotta—" he said.

"Wait a minute. Please? What's going on?," Olivia said, cutting him off. "What is the case? Are you going undercover again? How far away are you going?"

"Olivia—"

"Ok, I'm sorry," she said, taking a deep breath. "I know you probably can't tell me everything I just… Did Bell at least say how long you'd be gone?"

"I don't know," he said, sniffling.

"Why is she sending you somewhere so soon after Whelan's death?" Olivia asked. "Is it connected to our case? Do I need to—"

"No, it's not," Elliot said. "I'd tell you if I could, Liv."

"Will you be able to keep in touch with a burner?" she asked. "With your kids at least? I mean I can try to pull rank. I can–"

"You don't need to do that," he said.

It felt like he was giving her the runaround and that made her snap.

"Elliot, what the hell is going on?" Olivia asked, putting on her captain's voice. "You're crying. You gave me a compass that must have cost more than you make in a month. And you told me you hoped it would lead me to happiness? It's like you're not coming back, like you're going off to war or something."

She waited for her words to sink into his thick skull. She saw something like pain flash across his eyes.

"How dangerous is this case?" Olivia asked. "Why are you saying goodbye like it's for good?"

Elliot cupped her cheek, wiping away a lone tear that had fallen from her eye, one she didn't even know she had cried. He looked devastated and it broke her heart.

"It's nothing you need to worry about, ok?"

"Please. You're scaring me," Olivia said, something that she always had a hard time admitting. "You've gotta tell me something or I'm not gonna be able to sleep."

She'd always been able to read him, and his silence spoke volumes.

"There's no case, is there?" Olivia asked, narrowing her eyes. "You're leaving me again. What is it this time? You're tired of waiting? You're going back to Rome? You have another partner overseas who you got close to in those 10 years and you've got a compass to deliver to her too?"

"No! That's not it at all," he said, pulling her back to him when she started to walk away. "I promise. I just—I don't know how to tell you."

But just as quickly as he pulled her to him, he dropped her hand and reached for his side. He gripped it in his hand, massaging his back with his fingers. He had a grimace on his face as if he were in pain.

That's when Olivia's fear took over.

"El, what's wrong?" she asked

He breathed heavily as the bout of pain seemed to pass. He took her hand again and pulled her back into her office. She watched as he closed her door and the blinds. He had to grab her desk for support as he walked to the window.

The more she looked at him the more she started to see things she hadn't before. He was sweating. He looked thinner and exhausted in a way she hadn't ever remembered seeing him.

"I started having some back pain when we were in Ohio," he said, looking out the window as if looking at her would make it too difficult to get the words out. "I thought I might've just pulled a muscle or something."

Olivia almost snorted. He did carry her out of a diner, basically blind, at almost 60. And it wasn't exactly like she was a tiny woman. She was shapely and strong, and not something a grandpa should be hauling around like it was nothing.

"The pain, it got worse when I got home," Elliot said. "A few nights ago it hurt so bad I felt nauseous. It radiated from my back to my stomach. Happened at headquarters, too, so Ayanna made me go to the doctor to have it checked out. Said she wouldn't let me back on duty until I had a doctor's note clearing me with kidney stones or pancreatitis or something."

Her voice shook when she responded.

"And?"

Elliot turned toward her. He intended to sit next to her on the couch, but he stumbled and grabbed onto the chair. Olivia jumped up, holding onto his arm to steady him and guiding him to the couch.

"Easy, easy," Olivia said, keeping hold of his hand when they sat down.

He swallowed hard before he continued.

"They took some blood and urine samples at the hospital. Then a CT scan, and uh—" he coughed to cover a sob, squeezing her hand. "They were concerned because the urine sample had some blood. They found…"

Olivia felt like she couldn't breathe.

"What?" she urged him gently. "They found what, El?"

"My right kidney there's…" he struggled to get the words out. "There's a mass of…The official diagnosis is Renal Cell Carcinoma."

He took a shaky breath, squeezing her hand harder, closing his eyes tightly.

"No," Olivia said, not believing the words that just came out of his mouth. "Oh my God no."

Olivia clasped her other hand over her mouth, praying to whoever was listening that she'd heard wrong.

Not again.

And not her Elliot.

"How the hell do you have cancer?" she asked. "They can't be sure yet, can they? It's only been a few days. I mean maybe it's benign maybe it's—"

"They confirmed it, Liv," he said, sounding as heartbroken as she felt. "It's not benign."

"But you're healthy," she said, tears flowing freely down her face. She angrily tried to wipe them away. "You were—I don't understand. Why?"

Why did they waste time?

Why wasn't she ready sooner?

Why was it that any time she was happy, anytime she considered letting someone love her, something horrible took them away from her?

Elliot took her other hand in his, running his thumbs over her knuckles.

"They don't know," Elliot said. "I asked the same question. Their best guess is long-term exposure to toxic water and other shit when I was in the Marines."

She shook her head, refusing to believe it.

"Have you told the kids?" she asked. "Or your squad?"

"I don't know how to tell them," he said. "I didn't know how to tell you either."

"Wait a minute," Olivia said. "What were you planning to do when you came here? Give me the compass and then jet off to—. No, you don't get to fucking do that to me, Elliot! You don't get to leave me with some parting gift and then die alone or go eat your fucking gun because you think you're sparing me the burden and pain!"

"Liv—"

"And just where the hell were you gonna go?" she asked. "What were you going to do about it? Were you even going to do any treatment or were you just going to let it run its course?"

"Olivia, stop!" Elliot yelled.

"You told me you wouldn't leave me again!" she said, realizing she was shouting now but wasn't able to stop. "You promised you son of a bitch! You can't—you can't die on me, Elliot. We're partners. That's not how it's supposed to work. We're supposed to fight together."

"That's not…" Elliot said, his voice trailing off. "Please hear me out."

"You have about five seconds," she said, trying to do one of the quick deep breathing exercises Lindstrom recommended, but it wasn't working.

"I have an appointment tomorrow to talk about treatment options," he said. "I want to see where the best treatment centers are. I thought I might have to go out of state to get what I need. I was going to find a way to tell all of you while I was gone and then come home after a few treatments if they were working."

"Well forgive me if after your 10-year disappearing act that wasn't my first thought," she said.

"I knew you'd drop everything if you knew and I couldn't—" Elliot said, cutting himself off. "It's gonna get rough. I can't put you through that if the treatments don't work."

"They are gonna work," Olivia said, her anger softening but her tears still falling. "They have to. I'm not ready to let you go."

"I'm not ready to go," he said, pulling her into his arms before he could talk himself out of it. "I promise."

"You can't die, El."

He kissed her temple as they cried together.

"I'll do everything I can not to, I swear, but Liv—" he said.

"No, don't say it," she said, burying her head into his chest.

"Listen, I gave you the compass because no matter what happens I want you to be happy," he said. "You deserve it, okay? If I don't make it—"

"You're going to make it," she said, clinging to him tighter. "You have to. We're partners and I'm not letting you do this alone. I'll go with you to the doctor tomorrow, and I'll help you tell the kids if you want."

"I can't ask you to do that," he said.

"You aren't asking," she said. "I'm not letting you fight this alone. We'll figure out what we need to do and go from there. Did the doctors tell you what your prognosis was?"

She was terrified to ask and even more terrified of his answer.

How likely was she to lose him?

"They'll know more tomorrow, but they think it's stage two," Elliot said. "There's no evidence that it's spread outside the kidneys."

"Okay, so that's good, right?" Olivia asked. "That means they caught it early. Means they have more options to get rid of it?"

"I think it all depends on where it's located, how fast it's growing," he said, taking a shaky breath as the pain hit him again. "Jesus, how the hell am I supposed to tell the kids? They already lost their mother."

"Hey, look at me," she said, pulling back, holding him by the shoulders. "It's going to be hard, but they love you. They'll support you. And I already told you, you're not dying on us."

"You can't control that," he said.

"How many times have you been shot and survived?" Olivia asked. "Dana Lewis almost blew you up once. A stupid little tumor isn't going to take you from us. You're going to be okay because you have to be. And I'm going to be right here, you hear me? We'll get through this. I'm going to be here every step of the way."

Because the alternative was far too painful for her to even consider.

Elliot felt his own tears continue to fall into her hair, holding her as if she were his lifeline. Hell, she was his lifeline.

He swallowed the lump in his throat, thankful that he had told her now instead of waiting like he'd planned. She gave him courage. They were Benson and Stabler. He could get through anything with her by his side.

Elliot wanted to kiss her, tell her he loved her. He wanted to spend the rest of the day holding her until they'd both run out of tears to cry. But, she'd told him she wasn't ready and he didn't want to push her, or worse, make her run. Not now. Not when she'd just told him she would stand by him through everything.

They didn't know how long they had held each other for, but a knock on the door caused them to pull apart.

"Are you ok in there, Cap?" Velasco asked from the other side of the door and Elliot gave her a weak smile.

"I guess I better let you get back to work, Captain," he said.

Olivia sniffled, wiped her tears, and turned toward the door, but didn't step away from Elliot.

"I'm fine, Detective," she said, answering Velasco. "I'll be out in a minute."

She gave Elliot one last long hug, nearly crying again when she felt him kiss the top of her head tenderly.

"I'll walk you out, partner," she said.

Elliot wiped his tears and they walked out together, side by side. He was glad Velasco and Churlish were the only ones in the squad room. Fin would have seen right through them, and they wouldn't have been able to dodge his questions.

"Are you feeling okay enough to drive?" she asked once they were in the parking garage.

"Yeah, I'll be fine," he said. "I'll call you tonight, okay? I'll let you know when the appointment is."

"I'll pick you up," she said.

"You don't have to do that," he answered.

"I want to," she insisted.

He started to argue, but the broken look on her face made him give in.

"Alright," he said, He said, reaching over to swipe a stray tear from her cheek before getting in the car. "I'll be ok, Liv."

He repeated her words from earlier, unsure if he was trying to convince her or himself.

"I know," she said with a shaky exhale.

She watched him drive away and walked back to her squad room, hoping with every ounce of strength she had that those words were true.

She didn't know what she'd do if they weren't.

A/N: Thanks for reading, and I'm sorry…