Doom: On Argent Energy
The City of New Jersey is a shithole but it got worse after the Slayer started destroying the Argent Energy filters. I am one of the residents that needs the energy to power my house's electricity. I say this because, at night, the demons kill anyone whose lights are not working, something about a demonic curfew that's in effect for humans. Apparently, our lights being on means that we're asleep or something. So I am recording this journal in case I die, so...here goes.
To whom it may concern, I have taken to leaving a written and recorded journal as to the sheer fuckup the Slayer has left us but first, let me give some background.
Argent energy is an alternate fuel caused by filtering the hell energy with current tech. That's all I really know at this point.
"I assume that the ongoing massacre on Mars has caused, as a consequence of the Filter's being destroyed (or so ARC tells me), gas prices to go up. Furthermore, seeing as the demons are now part of the USA, we have an issue." "What if a demon gets a heart attack or choked to death on food or needs to use a human bathroom? We have no facilities to accommodate their biology and mannerisms". How do you give a blood transfusion to a being composed of last night's dinner and yesterday's Taco Bell? Yes, I know they're called Cacodemons but how do you give a living balloon a transfusion? Then you have the issue of demonic pregnancies. How in the name of Hell do you deliver a demonic fetus? We have no facilities to allow Satan Jr. into the world, let alone the ability to care for an affront to the Almighty, and those of us less willing will likely be called cowards by our new benefactors. So... while the Savior of Humanity is wrecking shit on Mars, we're down here trying to prevent the inevitable. You see, we have a more significant issue: No Internet and thus, No Porn. I'll get to that in a second, I need to address the elephant in the room: The fucking Jersey Devil"
"That prick in the Pine barrens has been a health hazard for generations. The fucker is radioactive from the constant shelling ARC has done, firing nonstop into the woods. IT! WILL! NOT! DIE!. It's like the MUTO's in Godzilla, it feeds off of the stuff. Demons can't get near it, Humans are afraid of it. There's only one solution."
(calls demonic military)
"Yeah, we need the Jersey devil killed pronto...yeah I'll hold. Oh, so you'll bring everything? good")
Now we wait...
(Three days later)
"What do you mean it's still alive? Did it survive? Well, what about heavy weapons? Oh, that's not good...what do you mean it's pregnant? How did the radiation make it pregnant? never mind, just kill the thing!"
It is my earnest hope that the demons will (hopefully) kill it. For all we know, it became a demon and now we have a winged nightmare with the endurance of a Hell Knight and the ability to turn invisible. We're fucked, we're so fucked...hold on I have a call"
"yeah? Are you sure? Well double check!"
(three hours later)
"It escaped the barrens? Well, where is it?"
"I don't care if you need souls to power the jets, FIND IT!"
"Fucking hell energy is messing with my camera, AGAIN!"
(demonic roar)
"We interrupt this message to bring you this important news break. THE JERSEY DEVIL IS LOOSE! IT"S LOO-"
"KILL IT, SHOOT IT DOWN!"
"What do you mean you're out of ammo? KILL IT!"
"I think I should be safe here...it hasn't seen me. Imagine that, both the demon and human militaries are hunting the thing...(sniff), what is that Sm-it's right behind me isn't it?"
(CHOMP)
(Rewinding camera to an earlier point)
Well, that was terrifying, where was I? Oh yes
Seeing as the invasion of Hell shut down the internet, we have been forced to either turn demon with the promise of endless orgies or survive the sexless Castration rampant wasteland that is rapidly becoming our new home. Enterprising individuals have begun advertising sexual services, in exchange for money that can be used to become a demon for one year. Said process is horrifying and painful but it beats being a sex-starved psycho, and we have too many of those already. There are no therapists on Earth, seeing as there is no way to advertise their craft, and as such, they have joined the endlessly roaming hordes that now inhabit the demon development center. So hell's forces are increasing, humanity is dying and we're screwed. I'd say that it couldn't get any worse but I'd be lying. Well, at least we still have the argent tower.
Please excuse the static from the video, Hell's atmosphere is interfering with the broadcast. Come on work!"
"What are you doing here mortal, it's past curfew!"
"Oh fuck! I'm sorry, I'm just doing an academic piece"
"Ok...I think he bought it. OH SHi-"
The demonic authorities have been alerted to the presence of a rogue human, please stay in your homes until further notice. This broadcast will repeat every five hours.
"I think they're gone...ok, and rolling..."
"I thought Cleveland was bad, it's far worse here. You can see the death toll here is worse. At least Cleveland has an active resistance. Fucking camera!"
(static)
"The batteries on these things!"
(Static continues)
"FUCK!, work damn it!"
(phone rings)
"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?"
"What do you mean to look up?"
"MOTHER-"
(angry breathing)
"Calm down...breath, smile for the camera"
"Ladies and demons, I've just been informed that the Argent energy tower has been destroyed. That's it then, there's no more fuel, no more food, and no more hope and the Jersey Devil has made its nest on the Skyway bridge. All military personnel are dead, so none of us can go to work. How do you expect me to survive on food stamps? I'm on social fucking security, I can't afford my own house! I think I can make it through the sewers, assuming the creature hasn't figured out my moves yet. What's that sound? Hello? Is anyone there?"
(restoring earlier save point)
"KILL THE FUCKING THING! It's still alive!
Fuck you, Slayer!"
Sincerely.
The city of New Jersey