A/N: I do not own Henry Danger or any of its characters
my last two Jasper stories were building up to this though they're not related or sequels or anything I guess I just was perfecting what I want Jasper to be, but this is a much longer version obviously and very different and very sad, it is depressing just to warn you and maybe not that great I feel like I'm too much in my head oh well but yay sad Jasper haha
enjoy!
A suicidal sky of stone refused to let any light through crestfallen clouds. The atmosphere was a smoky blue. Charcoal streets let vapor of depression seep up through it's cracks to draw you in just so they wouldn't be alone. Flickering neglected street lights dimly illumimnated the hollow air that the few struggling souls crawled through. Weak metal fences fought to stand by sinking houses and forgotten hopes left behind by hunger and fear.
A stormy marina floated sea salt into the fog that rolled in anxious thoughts. Very tired boats prayed for the swells of anguish to end their relentless torment against their brittle frames.
A square apartment the size of a box sat among the other broken houses on the dying street. Inside it's walls came grief stricken sobs that cut the air with deep cries of disbelief and the inability to ward off lonliness's accompanying abyss.
A boy...maybe a man or something in between sat helplessly against the unforgiving wall. The wrecking tears hurt as they flowed unendingly down his cheeks and nose onto a frayed faded green carpet. His stiff white fingers gripped his hair that sat closest to the mind he couldn't get control of. An anguished cigarette trembled between his cold crying lips. His elbows sat on his kness that were propped up near his chest with strength he didn't bear. A big scratchy grey sweatshirt hung around his thin bones that he wished would swallow him up. The smoke being the only warm thing in the heatless room reminded his stinging skin of the deafening winter that broke through a defensless shelter he was forced to call home. The freeze represented a darkness he thought he'd never be released from. As deep into it as he was he didn't realize it's presence until now.
After a numbing long anticipated death, a blurry quiet stillness and an autopiloted supposed grieving period, the breakdown came so suddenly. Any trace left from the missing soul of the impermanent maternal love finally dissapeared and the chill crept in. And now as he choked on his eyes spilling agony, his bloodshot brown irises turned to ash. His body felt so pulled to the floor, his heart he found to be either missing or turned off. Eventually he made use of it.
Some excuse of a morning came in the form of a brittle winter sun risen best it could. Jasper opened his eyes with regret. Well not really regret because he knew he had to get up, more like reluctance. Devasting reluctance of a hazy reality he chose to often reject. His motivation for leaving the inadequate sheets would be the frost laying over his skin and the idea of the hot shower waiting for him. The one good thing about the place was amenities included in the rent. The healing warm water of a shower or bath could often be the only remedy for his destructive thoughts and he could use as much of it as he wanted. It didn't make sense why except the possibility of a merciful divine intervention. He had no doubt of that. Without this he knew he'd have gone insane.
He creaked as he sat up throwing his legs over the bed frame. His arms held each other as he hissed at the cold, white mist rising from his warm lungs. Stiff legs pushed him up as he half hunched over proceeding to kick the scuffed dented radiator he could only pray would continue to work each morning.
In the tiny bathroom he turned the rusted shower nob to hot with a squeak of metal. Steam cut the frozen air and relaxed the muscles of a paralyzed soul. He ran his fingers through his wet hair as the scorching droplets paraded down his previously trembling body, eliminating any goosebumps in their path. He closed his eye's wishing it could never end, breathing deeply through his nose with a sigh. This wasn't just grief anymore. A depression of hopeless sinical pain inched it's black mist over his mind a little more day after day.
His old mind would have been plagued with stress, obsessing on the little things. Unable to think about anything but what new worries the day would bring. Unknowns, expectations, obligations and the mere idea that he'd have to move at all. It was still often like that but now more often than not he was just numb. Disassociation was his main tool, he leaned on it like a crutch. Blurring out practically everything from his eyes and ears when he needed to. The bluriness also felt good to tired eyes. They didn't need more sleep, but they wanted it so bad.
Jasper had to force his eyes back open from where they relaxed under the flowing water, faced toward the ceiling. An internal clock beat the inside of his chest made of complete dread. Work wouldn't wait for him.
The olive green towel he dried himself off with lingered in his hair. The rough and oddly comforting fabric felt good against his skin.
For many the next step would be breakfast but lately appetite was a foreign concept. The fog that soaked his mind made it hard to care about much more than breathing and keeping certain thoughts at bay. It's not like he could afford much more than a meal a day anyway.
He anticipated the cold as it hit him like a concrete wall. Over a white t-shirt went a large black sweatshirt that layed softly over his skin with relief of it's mask. It's billows helped him disappear. Up the hood went to protect the shivers on his neck, next went grey long socks, bluish black jeans and dark brown sneakers.
He slipped on his shoes before standing up and looking in the mirror. The dirty blonde tufts seemed darkened nowadays and he couldn't seem to keep a few of them from falling over his eyes. He didn't even bother trying to tame it's ruffled bedhead look and left the thick hood right where it sat on top of it.
Lifeless white cheeks painted storm tinted rings under hazy grey eye's, slanted still from sleep that would continue to sadisticly call his name. He shook his head putting a plain grey baseball cap between the hood and his hair. It's rim cast a dark shadow across his eyes.
Out the front door that he locked and onto the street he went. Aching hands put headphones in his ears before going to lay in his front pocket. Music was like ecstasy when he could listen. Loud wasn't loud enough to drown it all out. It flowed through his body as he looked out at the neighborhood he couldn't help but resent.
Passed the quiet boatyard the rush every song would give was the only thing telling him his heart was still beating, that his blood still bled.
The closer he got to the heart of Swellview the more things started to change. Somehow the light there was brighter and softer, the roads were neat and nicely paved, elegant frost sparkled across flawless buildings and cleanly dressed people passed each other with smiles. He winced at it with a hint of disgust. Or maybe it was annoyance. Either way he attempted to ignore it all and just watch his stray shoelace drag along the black road turning it from faded white to dirty charcoal. He genuinly wondered if any of them new of his neighborhoods existence. Either they were too content to look anywhere but where they were, or they knew about it and just didn't care to give it a second thought.
Junk N' Stuff came into view soon enough though he didn't feel he got his music fill yet. Maybe if he walked extra slow, but he was already late.
Before he knew it his legs took him into the store. He slowed for a minute feeling his chest tremble. His fingers sat uneasily on the brim of his hat as he shakily breathed out a forced exhale. Agonizing adrenaline ran through his veins in anticipation for the mask he would have to wear for the entire day. Nothing was harder or more draining. As if he wasn't drained enough. He bit his lip wanting to curl up and cry for help to a deaf universe. Why did people do this to him? He wanted to blame them and he pretty much did. It was their fault for making him fake it. If he didn't appear normal and say what they wanted him to say then they'd ask questions and judge and be relentless to find answers until they knew every little thing about why he didn't act along with the happy casual societal norms.
He shook it off best he could and stepped into the elevator.
One whoosh later and the elevator door slid open.
"I didn't touch it!", said Ray defensively.
"Hey Jasper.", said Henry nicely giving him a smile from the desk next to Charlotte. "Yes you did Ray come on. When you were pretending to be Captain Space-Man.", he continued.
Ray looked at him wide eyed giving him the signal to shut up. Henry just chuckled as Schwoz annoyedly threw up his hands.
"Morning Jasper. You used the anti-gravity module as a toy Ray? Why am I not surprised.", said Charlotte keeping her eyes on a monitor she clicked around on.
"No good mornings to late employees.", Ray said half jokingly, not looking in Jaspers direction.
"Morning.", rasped Jasper it being his first word spoken that day.
Over to the auto snacker he went more than gratefully. A hot breakfast sandwich sounded like the only thing he could force down making him realize just how empty his stomach was. He was able to eat a few bites before throwing the rest away. His cold fingers curled around hot black coffee giving him rare remedy. He stared in a glaze at the room hearing voices but not registering words. The hand he felt un-apart of brought the steaming cup to his lips.
"Jasper!", said Ray sternly.
"What!?", he said automatically angry to be broken from his daze as well as the anxiousness of the sudden yell in his direction for a reason unknown. The room looked at him oddly and he realized his body had made a mistake without asking first. His eyebrows unscrunched as his shoulders fell slightly.
Ray was caught off guard and his expression changed. "I said your name twice, relax. Can you do some digital recon on the criminal activity in the city?".
"Uh yeah. Sorry...I'm just tired.", he lied in a mumble before taking Charlotte's place at the desk. An unstable and obliterated mental state was a lot harder to explain. They went back to doing their things possibly already forgetting the momentarily strange behavior.
Not that it mattered anyway. He'd been different for a while and as hard as he tried to appear normal he knew it was obvious. But not to them. To them he'd always be the awkward weird kid that said the wrong things at the wrong times, mildy tolerable enough to keep around. But that kid never really existed except in the minds of others. He only existed to act as a mask for a lonely boy who didn't know how to be normal or what it meant. He recieved no instruction book on how to be a regular child and what to say to make friends. And as much as he regrets making up that kid he also feels sympathy for him. Tears of unbelonging would sometimes still stain his memory.
Somehow they hadn't noticed that he never payed for anything, or that he jumped at loud noises with years of fear in his innocent pupils.
Now of course he just got by with comments he rehearsed. He didn't predict the team made a concious note of his change at all. Maybe in the back of their minds they did though. Maybe if he'd told them about his mom's death. Maybe if he'd told them about his dad who abused everyone including himself with drug induced sabotage tainting Jaspers youth so many years ago. The man was only a long gone dark memory now. Maybe if he'd told them things would be different. Maybe...probably not.
Of course he didn't feel hate towards them at all. It wasn't their fault for not knowing another way of life. They probably figured he lived in a house like Henry's with two parents and a nice big roof over their warm heads. What other kind of life was there in beautiful Swellview? If they were to just go outside and turn their heads west, they'd find a weeping forgotten corner of the world. Crippled streets shattering every life that fell humbly at it's beaten feet.
But they hadn't, probably never would. That didn't mean they weren't good people though. He still couldn't figure out why Henry had stayed his friend. A good friend at that and he was the only thing in the galaxy he had to be grateful for. Charlotte of course was beautiful and so kind always. She had such grace and a very endearing maternal side to her that was so nice to recieve. Schwoz was of course strange and secretive but he was funny and really generous. As for Ray he acted big and bad but often took care of everybody in small ways. A few months before Jasper had asked him for more hours and he gave it to him easily. Whether Ray had realized it would mean him missing school or not it surprised Jasper that he'd agreed.
He'd dropped out a while ago with ease and his God given invisibility made it hardly noticeable. He couldn't afford to pay rent and go to school. A job fixing fences for the city helped him make ends meet. Henry and Charlotte didn't have any classes with him anyway so they had yet to notice. He wondered if they'd sensed his missing consciousness among the sea of students flowing through the halls.
Now as he sat at the desk his body was still, but his mind was chaos. Panic attacks mocked him often as they teased their appearance. His hands trembled as he wondered why he stayed where he was. In the mancave...pretending for so long so wearily. Voices never ceasing to echo off the walls piercing his overwhelmed eardrums. Movement, lights, blurs of violent colors he tried to dull in his head. He felt so out of place. He couldn't take it. Trembling frustrated hands rubbed down his face roughly. A whimper almost escaped his throat as he felt himself beginning to unravel. He gripped his chest refusing to let this happen. It couldn't, not now. He stood going quickly to the back into a dark equipment closet he'd found to often be his only refuge. The disconnect he felt from his own body was tearing him from the inside out. The disconnect he felt from them was making him feel insane.
His arms hugged his torso in defeat of incessantly vehement desperation.
He wasn't even sure if his eyes were open or closed, all he saw was deep perfect black asylum. He prayed so hard for sanctuary from his thoughts and trapping skin. His heart beat fought with his lungs for breath as he begged God to put it back in his chest.
He sat there a while as his prayer was answered. He sighed slowly as his hands ran through his hair coming to a stop on the top of his head.
As he was reeled up from the darkness by suppression of feeling, his very honed numbness stopped the trembles and settled his insides. Depression and anxiety fought for control of him day in and day out, depression winning every time with it's one tool of taking away most cares and fears alltogether.
The day would carry on as he hadn't even been noticed missing for the short time.
Back to the desk he begrudgingly went with the weight of hopelessness knawing him down at the ankles. He'd blur into the background with the rest of the inanimate objects and lifeless walls living only in one's peripheral.
As the days minutes ran out meaninglessly, one by one they left. Slipping on their spotless winter coats and leaving early because they didn't exactly count the pennies in their ripped jean pockets that would decide if they ate that day. Ray tossed him the lock-up keys before he left.
Jasper let his weeping bones drip toward the earth, their pain echoing through his selectively deaf ears. All he could do was succomb to the only way his body knew. His face fell to his palms, his fingers blacking out his wincing eyes. There was no breath in him to let escape a sound. Not a groan or a cry to tell the florescent lights to leave him alone.
He tipped his head back toward the ceiling uncontrollably letting slip a large exhale from burnt out lungs.
Jasper pushed off his hood letting it bunch up on his neck, fiddling with the hat in his lap. Just a few more seconds of enjoying the absence of eyes and bodies. Then he'd get up. Get up and clean the floors, patch and paint the walls many cuts and scrapes, climb a ladder to replace a ceiling panel, take inventory in the store and balance the finance books, and finally turn off the lights, arm the store security system and lock the door. He vaguely wondered who did these tasks before or who they thought did it now. Well everyone but Ray who was surprised to see he'd had the ability and know-how but probably didn't give it another thought. Just like he wouldn't give that or this list another thought. He'd get up. Just a few more seconds.
Now his side of the planet turned itself to hide from the sun. White turned to grey, grey turned to black, black turned to rain.
As he walked along the rusted train tracks that guided his unfocused feet, the safe streets faded away behind him and he felt closer to home. A chained dog barks at the moon. A bottle shatters against a chain link fence. City lights reflect a warped picture in the wet black pavement and blurry red irises. He was practically already asleep.
Droplets traveled down his sopping hair and slipped over his skin through heavy clothes. The smell of the iron tracks, salty harbor, and damp gravel, told him he was almost home. He pushed his hand out of the sleeve that pathetically protected his knuckles and shuffled for the key. Suddenly he was inside as he managed to sleepily lock the door and slip off his wet clothes. With a kick to the radiator and a fresh pair of sweats on top and bottom, he let his body fall face down into the mattress. He sunk in gratefully as his already closed eyes started to dream.
The feeling was familiar. Hot gritty earth falling through his fingertips and over his suddenly warm body.
Sand.
Yes that's what it was.
Of when he was unsure, but his eyes opened. Maybe they were open the whole time. No wait. No they weren't. It's too foggy too know...it didn't matter.
His pupils relaxed into big circles making contact with a dominatingly welcoming sun. It told him he was home. He smiled, letting out a breath of thankful relief and dropping his shoulders. Finally.
He was safe as he lay in the dune. Magnificent hills carved the land, their peaks defined like ribbon fallen upon God's sculpture.
He found only a thin silk sheet sinking into his bodies curves and shadows. No frigid layers roughly rubbing against his anxious form. The light layed over him in perfect balance and heat. He closed his eyes relishing it's caress. A seethingly seductive breeze blew softly over the landscape that he breathed deeply through his nose.
"Thank you God. Thank you.", he whispered not wanting to disturb the fragile mountains.
Jasper gasped as his eyes broke open. A frozen rude awakening stung his unwillingly wakened form. No no no no no. Please no God why. If it had to be a dream, why couldn't it have lasted at least a few more seconds. That was torture. It had been so cruel. He couldn't feel grateful for the short euphoric bliss.
Hatred was all he felt as he lay in futile sheets staring out an overcast window. He let it control him as he threw the glass from his bedside at the window. Shards sat unsettled below the broken pane as his chest heaved. His breathing broke the frustrating silence but for the water that had been in the glass, dripping from sharp victims of loathing.
The light was early, he knew it too by the feeling of the air. The little ancient analogue alarm clock on his nightstand read 4:03am. He closed his dreary eyes with a sigh as he untensed his muscles and rubbed his palm down his face. Sadness's fatigue crept in once again. Not knowing what else to do he found his untied sneakers walking thoughtlessly through the door toward the water.
Over the tracks and past the houses of sorrow down shore of the rickety docks and old sea bound vessels.
Down over the small cliff sides and dead hills no manmade structures could be seen. It wasn't large but it was deep and carved to hide the hidden.
Choppy dark waves argued with thick storm clouds above them to give back the water they stole. They conceded as they let fall raindrops hailing from the oceans body. The waves only grew more ferocious, reaching up to grab their lost ones. The wind was the storms ally as it howled violence. An act of war had been made. Royal blue convincingly solid beams of dim light broke through a sky one step away from being black its rain clouds were so dark.
Carefully he stepped from one large black rock to the next. Jasper layed back on the gritty midnight earth that created an inhospitable shore. His heavy eyelids wondered why he wasn't in bed, he wondered why he didn't recognize this feeling. It was the presence of forget. The stormed seashore made him forget the pain...forget all other sound. That's all he wanted...all he needed.
The tide was soon at his feet. Then at his calves, then his torso.
He didn't stop the sea. He didn't move. He couldn't let go of this relief.
Then opened hollow eyes to watch Adam's ale swallow him into the absense of captivity.
He drifted...jumping and falling with an angry current. He softly held the breath he doubted he had until now. In the purgatory of night and day God's tears rocked him in peaceful barbarity.
Muffled distant thunder groaned through bouldering black and silver fog. Flashes of lightning flickered above the surface like a composition in their muffled taming.
Deeper he sunk as he wished he could stay. In the silence...the isolation. The sea fell off of his skin with a gasped breath as he broke the waves. The tide was unhinged without an anchor to grant them direction and it had pulled him far from the shore. Now it pushed him back erratically as he held onto the surface treading the wrath of hostile waters.
He was thrown and tossed like a pawn within a battle in which he had no place. He landed on the face of a rock the sat sharply up, he gripped it's edges. The dark blue liquid rage beat upon his back as he held his body close to the stone. White ocean spray clashed against the shore.
He had almost been a prisoner of war, all he wanted was a moment of stillness. Something shocking enough to make his corpse of a mind feel something. To grasp something.
Solid ground called him back but he didn't exactly want to go. There was nowhere he wanted to be. Despite the weight in his limbs he pushed himself up as his arms shook under the pressure.
His mouth hung open so he could breathe through the misty downpour. His clothes dripped low while his sore muscles looked for footing.
The wet boulder beneath him ignored any tread in his shoes as he slipped, falling hard on it's mercilous surface. Pain peirced his eyebrow where any blood was quickly washed away. Bruises would show up by the end of the day but all he felt now was vengeance towards the cold-blooded planet. Hadn't it had enough?
His fist hit the malicious rock in an attempt at retribution to help convict his world that hated him so much. Underneath he felt foolish. He'd wanted to go back into his dream, somehow find serenity within this callous place. Now he ended up in more pain than before and the elements made it quite clear they weren't on his side.
Jasper sat up on his knees contemplating why he bothered. His hair draped in front of his eyes in a curtain of dripping disdain. One foot under him and then the next and he eventually made it to flat ground. Now that his focus had drifted he began to notice the unbelievable cold that stabbed his skin all the way to his organs. Ache covered his every inch of both physical and otherwise.
Back on land but still lost at sea...he still drifted...
Jasper walked the remorseless streets in a freezing blur and suddenly he was already filling his bathtub with practically boiling water.
His sopping clothes sat forgotten in the corner as his thinning bones tensed up for the shock of frozen to feverish.
Though good things were hard to grasp or accept, he tried his best and thanked the heavens for it. The heat hugging his shaky body made him apologize to them for things he thought earlier. He knew God hadn't abandoned him, but his unknown plan was frustrating and his own circumstances made him question God's endgame. There was a plan wasn't there? It would be nice not to worry about whether or not things would get better.
He'd had enough sense to grab his headphones off his bedside and now they succesfully blocked everything out teaming up with the healing water. He closed his eyes sinking deeper into the tub until it reached his chin. He used his scraped palms to wash his beaten face that screamed while he tried to wash away the blood, dirt and rain.
Some song by The Fray played as it's sorrowful relatability was cutthroat to his emotions. His chest was flooded by the deep overwhelm he didn't have control of. How good the song was but how brutally it was describing his life, the fact he had to work both jobs that day, the pain from his injuries, the fact that he had to get out of the hot water and it being his only current asylum, the winter that awaited his capture and the people he'd be forced to interact with.
His thoughts broke from the hinges with anxiety. What do I tell them about my face? What would they believe? Which fences are on my route today? Where did I leave that wrench? Should I make myself eat something? What's the warmest thing I could wear today? Ugh no! He screamed in his head as he ripped his headphones out, turned the nob back on to keep the heat and went under water. His moans of desperation were heard through the surface only by mute walls that felt the same.
Eventually the tub was empty as the faucet dripped slowly into a hollow drain.
Jasper stood in front of the mirror already dressed in an olive green sweatshirt and a stiff grey jacket giving his frigid soul two remedial hoods. A blueish red swollen cut sat between his right eye and eyebrow slowly wrapping it's bruise around underneath. A split lip also on the right sat with a purple slash. All other pain was hidden by layers he was thankful for though the dull throb of the injuries was more than enough to remind him of their existence.
The only benefit he could make of the early time of day was extra work hours he could take advantage of. What else was there to do?
His music made the walk a quick daze and he was already unlocking Junk N' Stuff.
He started by straightening merchandise and making new displays. With a quick sweep the store looked pretty good even if it was just a front. The elevator door didn't slide as well as it could've and made a squeak as it did so. That was easy enough to fix with a little WD40 and a little more. The exposed pipes that ran along the ceiling and spread throughout the mancaves and everything were beginning to corrode. They were old and it seemed like he was replacing at least one every day now. A case of new ones had been ordered a while back and there was enough left for him to do all the ones running through the store ceiling. To get them out of the way now would be a relief to his future self or any customer that might get drenched in water from a burst pipe.
A trusty ladder was his home for the next few hours with a wrench stuck in one hand and a tube of rubber cement held between his teeth.
Father time eluded him that day as he worked mindlessly. At 8:00am on the dot the gang walked in the door with a jingle of the bell above.
They stopped seeing Jasper who looked at them mid pipe switch. As if on cue his right earbud fell out onto his chest hanging from the left.
"What are you doing up there?", Charlotte asked surprised.
Jasper kind of shrugged like 'what does it look like?', as he still bit the tube with his hoods falling halfway off the ruffled bedhead mess and his hands holding precarious things.
"Nice job kid.", said Ray casually as he started to walk past. "Whoa what the hell happened to your face?!", he said seeing him closer and in the light.
Jasper looked up at his hands as he set the new pipe in place putting the old one in the box on the flat top of the ladder and squeezing the adhesive around the seam. They watched and waited.
"Fell.", he said flatly not making eye contact as he descended the steps and moved everything to the next corroded line.
They looked at each other surprised at his crappy answer.
"You...fell?", said Henry doubt clear in his voice.
Jasper looked back up quite surprised to see them still inquiring. He took the tube from his mouth slightly exasperated struggling to hold the wrench in the same hand.
"Yeah it was raining and I slipped. It happens.", he said feeling very weird about this whole interchange. He cursed himself for allowing time to go by without his accountability. He had a strange disdain for the idea of them seeing him in that light. Knowing he knew how to do labor and work with his hands. It just wasn't what well-to-do Swellview kids did. Or maybe he thought they'd be weirded out by a change in what they thought their normal reality to be, be it a small change or not. A few seconds of thought on the subject led to his usual conclusion, he didn't really care as much as his anxiety wanted him to.
"Um okay. Maybe Schwoz should take a look at it.", said Charlotte while she removed her puffy coat.
"It's fine.", he said hoping that would be the end of it.
They must've sensed he wasn't willing to put up a fight about it and let it go. They headed to the elevator and Jasper dropped his shoulders staring at the ground going over everything in his mind.
The elevator door slid open smoothly and they noticed. It was satisfying to see it fixed but they could do the math, he'd been there a while.
"Something's off with Jasper guys.", said Henry shaking his head.
"Something with school maybe?", proposed Charlotte.
"I think it's more than that.", said Ray.
"Ray since when does he work overtime? Doing maintenance of all things.", asked Schwoz.
"Uh for a while. He said he needed more hours and I gave it to him.", Ray said with a shrug feeling oddly guilty for revealing something he sensed was a secret.
The new information was hard to analyze, it just made no sense at all.
"Look I'm sure everythings fine he probably just likes a little extra money in his pocket. And maybe he's an early riser. And he probably did slip in the rain.", said Ray feeling strangely protective of things he figured Jasper kept to himself.
"Yeah you're right.", said Henry convinced enough. Ray even fooled himself a bit. Jasper was fine. Of course he was it was Jasper for petes sake.
The day faded by like any other day as Jasper found himself locking up the store. Round blond sun spots danced around the sidewalk where he stood. He lifted his face to the one wrapping around his body. It was gentle and warm making sore eyes a little more weary wishing they could live there. But the fences wouldn't fix themselves. He sighed and put his hands in his pockets.
On the way was a junkyard where he picked up a scrap peice of metal he'd use to bandaid patch his broken window.
He waited until he reached his neighborhood to light a cigarette. He didn't do it a lot but it got him through a little easier some days. After his dads narcotic natured vices, he could never do anything close to addictive, well besides this but the only thing 'addicted' to them was his anxiety maybe. Not even that though, he just saw it as something he had control over. Something he could decide to do or not do. What else to that could he claim? It sat in his mouth as he worked on stubborn chain link. Thick work gloves held plyers and a single reason to carry on being survival.
Somehow he finished and now all he had to do was make it home. He could see it from where he was but it seemed impossible.
He felt a drip fall on his pale cheek as he looked up for the source. He saw rain clouds for the thousandth time. Would this storm never end? He roughly swallowed with his sore adams apple moving up and down.
Soon enough it came down like a waterfall with thunder and lightning in the middle of a domestic dispute once again. Jasper was inside now as he washed off the day in scalding water. With a long sleeve white shirt under a grey sweatshirt and two pairs of socks under black pajama pants he hugged his knees for warmth. The radiator hummed heat into the reluctant room and the temperature was slowly barely rising.
Henry sat with his family around the dinner table in a warm sweater, laughing and going over their days. Charlotte's image was similar as she sat comfortably on the living room couch with her parents watching a movie, passing around buttery popcorn and smiles. Ray and Schwoz played video games sharing a large plate of nachos with hot dip and swirly strawed sodas.
Jasper stared out the window wishing he could feel nothing now. His numbness wasn't kicking in as he squeezed his eyes, tears cascading silently down trauma bearing skin.
The morning seemed to freeze the downpour into big snow flakes deciding not to stick to the city floor.
He was to meet the gang for coffee at the place across the street from Junk N' Stuff before school. Great. That would be nice if there was more than 75 cents in his jean pocket. Outside the Café was the group seemingly waiting, laughing about something or other. At least his facial wounds had healed just slightly overnight.
"Hey.", he said walking up to them.
"Hey man it looks like they're closed.", said Henry.
"You guys want to go that place on 5th?", proposed Charlotte with a grin.
The others discussed their options as something else caught Jaspers eyes.
On the corner a young girl was being scalded by an older man. They looked like they'd came from his own neighborhood with neglect written all over her and selfishness seeping out of him. He wasn't yelling but Jasper recognized the malice in his eyes and the fear in hers. His younger self wanted to curl up in a hidden place and let tears of harsh memories flow. But now protective fury started to run through his veins.
He started to walk over forgetting the audience of his friends.
"Hey.", he said sternly. The father and daughter looked over.
"Are you okay?", he asked the girl reaching a hand out to her elbow as a sign of safety. She wanted to respond but the man called Jasper something incoherent as he took hold of her wrist and started pulling her away.
She looked at Jasper pleading for help through teary irises.
Jasper pulled the man back by the collar with a punch to his stomach and a knockout right hook to his doubled over jaw. He layed ugly and rightfully bleeding on the unforgiving pavement. The girl wrapped shaking arms around the only soul to show compassion towards her probably ever. Jasper held tight with closed eyes knowing too well the feeling of trauma in her touch. He was careful of his grasp on what he guessed was a paternally bruised body.
He pulled away putting a hand on her cheek looking for any injuries and searching for a sign of her state through her eyes.
"Don't worry it's alright. I'll make sure you find somewhere safe to stay. You never have to see him again.", he reassured best he could.
"I have to go before he wakes up please.", she said anxiously gripping Jaspers coat. He took it off throwing it carefully around her fragile shoulders.
"Okay okay let's go.", he said with his hand on her back as they started to walk toward the group.
The others were only a few feet away from the scene watching like it was an episode of Law and Order or something. Ray or Henry hadn't even noticed at first though they would have jumped in if they knew. How had Jasper been so spot on it didn't make sense.
"There's a bunch of shelters in Carsonville and Berton city. The best one is on the edge of Carsonville by their city hall and low income housing units. Unless you have someone else to stay with.", finished Jasper in a steady tender and calm tone.
She shook her head knowing her voice would break if used.
"They'll set you up with somewhere to stay. How old are you?", he said trying to be slow and not overwhelming, but with hope giving her possibilities to have things she thought she'd never have.
"Um I-I'm sixteen.", she said quietly.
Jasper nodded letting her hold his hand.
"Siblings?", he asked. She put her hand over her mouth and turned back around running to where they began. An unkempt baby seat sat on the sidewalk.
Jasper was right behind her as she bent down in front of the baby girl, sobs escaping through her trembling fingers.
"It's okay it's okay.", Jasper said to both girls while he unbuckled the small thing not more than three months old. He carefully put his strong hands under such a fragile innocent thing. One behind her head bringing her to his safe chest. He rocked her slightly hoping to keep her sleeping eyes closed.
"It's okay now.", he said with so much sincerity in his humble words. He felt the child's breathing and warmth against his cold heartbeat. Tears threatened his eyes feeling the little soft hairs sticking through his beaten fingertips.
Back over to the group they walked with such anticipation in the atmosphere.
"Ray would you be able to take them to the shelter?", he asked quietly not to wake the baby.
They were all in a slight daze watching everything shocking to their unharmed eyes unfold.
"Oh uh y-yeah of course. The truck is just over there.", Ray said pointing across the street.
One safe jaywalk later and Jasper secured the baby seat very tightly. He was reluctant to leave the pair that he felt so suddenly attached to. He mourned for their loss of naivity. Their loss of childhood. He looked at them for a moment before wiping a tear from the older girls cheek. She cupped her hand over his as a thank you closing her eyes. Jasper reached into the glove box for a pen and paper. He wrote down the address and handed it to Ray.
Schwoz, Henry, Charlotte and Jasper watched the truck pull away as the hot exhaust sliced the icy air. It was a very long while before anyone said anything.
"Uh I guess we'll be late if we don't..", said Henry unfinished after Schwoz left toward the nearby diner.
"Yeah...", said Charlotte.
"You guys go ahead. I gotta get another jacket and tell the police about that guy. See you at work later.", said Jasper rubbing his hands together before extending his sweatshirt sleeves over his finger tips and turning to leave.
"But Jasper.", started Henry too late as he walked out of earshot. Jaspers skinny silhouette left a slim shadow behind nothing more than lowly hung shoulders and a ripped hoody. The two of them left looked at each other knowing they had a lot of unanswered questions. A whole lot.
Little did they know the panic he had felt deep down now. Suppressed memories now at the forefront of his mind. His fingers rubbed his forehead hoping to send them back from where they came. His small young self putting his arms up in front of his face from an inherently unstable man with an addiction to a substance keeping him in chains.
The moment little Jasper had woken the morning he'd never forget, he sensed it in the air. He sat up in dusty warm sun dancing through his small bedroom window. His mom stood in the doorway with the most loving safe smile that told Jasper he had left for good. She held a small plate of breakfast as she set it on the bed and hugged his outstretched arms. Relief dripped from their hearts and a house finally possibly a home. Now with her gone the memory turned bittersweet.
A shudder shook his spine while he walked through the early winter sun over a perfectly paved barren street that he resented.
Blue tinted fingers creaked out a cigarette from his pocket. He only hesitated for less than a moment at the idea of someone he knew seeing him.
"Whatever.", he mumbled to himself as he threw the match under the soul of his shoe.
He walked and pondered as he often did. Where was he going? Work maybe...
But why was he going? Why was he doing it? He always said that to himself but never let himself mean it. Now he slowed his walk. What was the point of carrying on, seriously. Maybe theres a train somewhere...maybe. He could easily live off the land or find another path, somewhere where he didn't have to explain himself or where any masks. Somewhere he could leave anxiety in the dust. Maybe if he didn't recognize his surroundings his soul might change.
He shook his head. He knew that would only make things worse somehow. And his friends, well maybe there were things they didn't understand or know but he did love them. And they loved him, he knew that. Without them he'd have no anchor, he'd be even more lost and that really scared him. So really there was no escape. He couldn't stay and he couldn't go. Completely trapped.
Waves slowly crashed into his mind, his limbs pulled down by painful gravity. Hot red tears burned his faded pupils as he clenched his angry jaw groaning helplessly through his teeth. The black mist crept all the way over his mind now and he could feel his chest collapsing. He breathed lazy circles of smoke with a hand on his forehead.
So unphysically cold. So hollow. He couldn't push it down anymore it was overflowing. Overwhelmed by such instability in his out of order consciousness. Overwhelmed by life, the pressure of air, times inability to stop, the ever spinning earth's determination to keep him close to it's core whether it was both feet on the ground or his crumbled body laying defeated on it's fatally frigid surface, his physical form and the boundary it provided from the atmosphere, the always pounding in his head he tried to forget, the lack of alive he felt, the grit of the pavements loose dirt under his feet, the hairs taunting his eyelashes, movement everywhere, light, concepts he couldn't grasp, concepts other people couldn't, lethal loneliness that he was damned to...
Total vacancy of his fractured conciousness was a stone throw away. The flicker of light left in the cracked windows to his soul was threatening to go out.
He almost let himself fall to the black road beneath him. Instead his cigarette barely hung on between his pale lips, his arms curled loosely around his torso gripping for something, of what he wasn't sure.
His head told his legs to look for isolation.
By the train tracks was an abandoned mill. Many concrete stairs led up to a large cement overlook. Rusted railroad cars lay forgotten in the gravel below. The sturdy tracks winding by the marina whistled against a salty breeze. A metal rail of bars protected the three exposed sides. Jaspers legs slipped through two parallel gaps in the rail that stood facing the sea's horizon line. The snow came down now in a silently tame blizzard. He could hardly see the ocean who's surface was assaulted by a layer of ice fragments and frost. In fact he couldn't see the clean suburbs of Swellview or his own forgettable neighborhood. His face rested between the two bars where his fingers curled around on either side. His red nose breathed in stinging icy oxygen, his purple tinted eyelids closed as snow flakes found a home on his black lashes. The dark red damage still left on his face contrasted harshly to his overcast skin.
It wasn't just memories he couldn't escape. That trauma molded him in many ways. Things he knew made him different, things he knew would never change. And the way his brain worked was so toxic, the impressions of a dangerous childhood affected his young developing mind like poison.
He felt so sore. So tired. So numb, he hardly felt the cold anymore. But then again maybe he was so used to it, he was swallowed by it and was becoming part of it.
He was starting to turn off. His thoughts were sleepy and distant, his body unmoving. He couldn't save himself. He was too far away now.
"Jasper?", said someone behind him. It was clear through the quiet porcelain downpour.
His eyes cracked open to him and his bodies surprise. Shallow bloodshot irises watching like lighthouses guarding the waves. He turned stiffly around finding four silhouettes within the white. His heart if thawed would have pounded. They found him in this vulnerable state, emotionaly naked. He sensed they knew now, that they understood what it meant. He looked down ashamed, tears twinkling in his storm cloud eyes. One silhouette stepped forward coming closer.
Henry approached slowly, letting his knees softly meet the platform. Jasper turned to him, unable to look at him. Henry looked at him, sadness painting the creases on his skin as he put a hand on Jaspers shoulder. He pulled him into a tight hug. Jasper leaned into his friends shoulder with watery agony silently flowing as Henry creased his eyebrows baying back his own tears of hurt.
Jaspers eyes creaked open as he exhaled vapor up to the snow sky.
His hands still gripped the bars, he found himself still alone. The frozen induced dream had been both scary and relieving. The idea that finally they'd know. Maybe they could help, and even if they couldn't at least he wouldn't have to hold up the act anymore.
His stomach growled like it often did, though this time he thought he might be able to eat something. With hollow pockets his destination had to be the auto-snacker. He genuinly wondered if he'd be able to move. His bones were hardened by the frost that glacially swallowed his every atom.
This was one of those last hope rock bottom times where he didn't need to ask God to help pick him up off the ground, and God didn't need him to ask. So against the hungry winter's wishes, Jasper got up.
Tired footprints in the thin layer of snow followed him all the way to Junk N' Stuff as the lack of noise or life in the city remained elusive to his blurred thoughts.
The coarse lines that formed paths through his skin broken by labor opened the stone cold metal handle to the store.
Warm.
He found himself already walking out of the elevator and ordering from the auto-snacker.
He sat blowing softly on a hot bowl of stew, a thick piece of french bread under melted butter sitting beside it. Healing hot chicken broth sliding down a course throat, it's delicious fragrance wafting his anxiousness away. It's silver steam tickled his chin and sent heat to defrost red rimmed eyes.
He sighed, finding peace in the moment. Looking up he found comfort in the walls around him. Safety. Familiarity. A home type feeling of family hovered in all the odd things and all the floors and ceilings, smells and sounds. He hadn't realized it until now but despite the anxiety it could provoke on occasionally anxious days, it was also the only place he had love. Guilt strangled him sometimes when he thought about his ungrateful cynicism toward them. They never made him pretend to be someone else, pretend to be happy. He let his own insecurities and low self worth get in the way of thinking they might actually accept him. They might keep him despite his mental downfalls and defeating emotional birthmarks.
He had to drown this voice out. He pressed earbuds into his ears keeping his finger on the volume up button until it couldn't be any louder. He sat forward with his elbows on his knees. No lights were on in the room, though through the large ventilation fan spinning in the back wall traveled brownish yellow rays of soft light. His head hung silhouetted as the dust floated by, and closed eyes let a shadow of a tear fall.
Seconds later, the elevator door opened unheard as four pairs of feet sauntered in .
Jasper opened his eyes to the floor, when he saw new long shadows that led to suddenly his worst nightmere. His heart beat frantically in his chest as he ripped out his headphones.
"Hey bud.", said Henry casually, not making eye contact. "I was just about to call you, even though you never answer your phone.", he teased with a friendly smile and a pat on the shoulder.
"Yeah I can't believe school's canceled. There's not even that much snow.", said Charlotte. "Did they get that guy?".
Jasper tried snapping himself out of his current daze that had been so suddenly and unpredictably interrupted. "Oh uh that guy, yeah I think so.", he said wringing his hands.
"Now that you're all here I demand we try my newest contribution to the technological society.", said Schwoz his accent butchering three of the sixteen words in the sentence.
"As long as theres no bodily fluids needed this time. Or fire...please no fire.", said Ray.
Charlotte laughed and shook her head. "Well you have been working on this forever, what does it do exactly?".
"Glad you asked. Ladies and gentlemen this is the name-to-be-figured-out-later.", replied Schwoz with jazz hands.
"Okay well I know all I need to know.", said Henry with chuckle.
"What does it do.?", said Ray.
"Good question. It's sort of a mental to visual slash audio transmission. As in it goes inside your mind taking scans of mostly the emotional and psychological sections of your brain like the limbic system. Then it communicates with this monitor and speaker, playing an original melody and creating a unique picture on the screen based off your psyche. It's like your personality's soundtrack and vibe if you will. I programmed the music to be any genre, instrument, or sound. Whatever your mind relates with best will be chosen and compose on the spot a composition mimicking the most accurate imprint of your conciousness. You can pick the medium you want for the visual, what do we want? Water color? Oil painting, regular camera view? Maybe claymation or animation?", fininshed Schwoz.
"No definately not animation. I still have nightmares about that cartoon and those oranges.", said Ray with a shiver.
"How about regular camera view.", suggested Charlotte. The others agreed.
Jasper had a boulder sitting nervously in the pit of his stomach, it beat at his chest telling him to scramble for an excuse to leave. But his words were stuck at the back of his tongue.
Schwoz input the parameters after it powered up with clean neon blue light lining it's base.
"Who's first?", he said looking around excitedly.
Words overlapped each other with Ray and Henry playing rock, paper, scissors and Charlotte saying something to Schwoz about the value of patience and maturity.
Ray laughed at his win as Schwoz attached a wire to his chest.
"This is just to monitor your vitals and bodily functions to record for my analysis of how this affects the user physically. Now it'll scan your brain wirelessly when you're ready.".
Ray nodded. "I'm ready.".
Schwoz typed a few things into the touch screen panel as a blue light flickered in Ray's eyes for a moment. Everyone watched in great anticipation.
Drums began to leak through the speakers. They built into an up-tempo rythym as electric bass guitar joined into the build. It was a happy head banging rock melody that made you want to scream and start a riot.
On the monitor bled the view of a western type bar built of rickety pale brown wood and thirsty testosterone. Bronze whiskey sways in thick glasses that slide across the counter and incoherent voices blend together in the heat waves.
Loud heavy boots beat the wooden floor as the door slammed open leaving behind the watering hole of a saloon. A firery evening caressed the desert all around with a sunset in flames of red and orange. A wild herd of stallions rode faster than the wind toward the falling sun on the horizon. Their hooves beat the earth like the drums the melody crashed between.
The horses legs turned to wheels and their manes turned to leather seats as suddenly hundreds of motorcycles revved angrily. It was impossible not to pump your fist and bob your head at the adrenaline greased song and exciting imagery. But as they got closer to the sunset the rider-less black machines faded into ebony red embers pushed by the breeze. The guitars rythym simplified to two notes tapering off the blood pumping experience.
"Whoa Ray! You're crazy!", said Henry with a high five and an amazed laugh.
"So at heart you're a rough manly adrenaline junkie? I would've never guessed.", said Charlotte.
"I thought it was kinda cheesy.", said Schwoz with a chuckle before Ray punched him in the arm.
"Okay okay my turn.", said Henry as he sat down and Schwoz began the scan.
Jasper stood behind them, sitting nervously with his elbows on his knees and his hands rubbing nervously against eachother.
Neon blue swirled around Henry's green eyes for a short moment.
A spanish type rythym began with a soothing grin on Henry's face as he swayed slightly. Shallow maracas whispered in the background with soft drums and strong but slow acoustic guitar being the focus with it's latin charm.
"I'm chillin.", he said. Charlotte giggled softly at that.
On the monitor began a view of the sky. As if you were laying on a luscious hill, tall green grass peaked onto the screen bending from the kiss of earths breath. It looked soft.
The sky was dusty orange with pink whispy clouds dancing by.
A babbling brook could be heard close by and a pair of silky blue jays flew over in harmony.
Somehow the songs tempo matched the rythym of the breeze and it's whistle through the grass.
It was so simple, so calm.
Slowly it tapered off with the uncontrollable sways the group was victim to.
None of them were surprised at all. Yes Henry could be very adventurous, passionate, determined, but his aura and raw persona was peace. He just wanted to relax, he often had no cares because he decided not to care. It was hard not to be almost envious of that loveable quality.
"Mmm that was nice.", said Henry standing up with a stretch.
"It really was.", said Schwoz in a little tranquil trance like the rest of them.
"Who's turn is it? Jasper?", said Ray.
Jasper looked up, mouth open ready to say something though he had no idea what. His chest jumped inside with scrambling in his veins. His muscles were frozen.
"I'll go.", said Charlotte.
"Okay.", said Schwoz tapping a few things and transfering the single sticky wire.
"Ready?", he asked. Charlotte nodded with a smile.
Her coffee irises flickered blue. In floated the strums of an angelic harp. Faint violins backed it up in a celestial tune that felt like silk.
On the screen from black came a heaven. Beige marble floor kissed at it's edge by the tip of purely white thin drapes. A bed only partly seen in the foreground, satin gold fabric lay over it drooping onto the ground in innocent beauty.
A side table on the left held merigold bottles of perfumes and oils that shined against the yellow sun.
Passed the curtains when they were moved by the wind were miles and miles of a snowy mountain range. Though their majesty held in tact, it didn't at all look cold. Somehow you could tell by the blurry gleam.
It was more enchanting to them than anything real or imagined. It was grace, it was elegance, it was almost sensual.
Charlottes feet kicked back and forth as she sighed contently through her nose.
It ended just as soon as it began.
"That was beautiful Charlotte.", said Schwoz. The others nodded.
It wasn't peaceful like Henry's, well it was but that's not what it represnted. It was the polish and poise of an unselfish woman.
She was so refined and lovely.
"Alright Jasper you're up.", said Henry motioning to the device.
The mentally rehearsed "Nah I'm good.", came out less confidently than he hoped. He tried to act casual as his heart beat could be seen through his shirt if you were looking.
"Come on just do it.", said Ray with an eye roll.
"Yeah it's fun.", said Henry.
Jasper shook his head. "Guys trust me. It's not the best idea.".
"Oh come on!", said Charlotte pushing him towards Schwoz.
"I really don't think you're going to like-", started Jasper.
"Shut up and let Schwoz scan your brain.", said Ray half annoyed.
Jaspers grey eyes looked alive for a moment as the blue light teased his black pupils. His pulse raced nervously which they could see on the tablet Schwoz held. Hmm. Was he that nervous to do one little experiment?
As the experience began it settled, as did his muscles that untensed and his fists unclenched. There was nothing he could do to stop what was about to happen.
A/N: as you read this you must listen to 'A Gentle Sunlight' by James Quinn.
A piano medley started to play. As the song began it wasn't just slow and simple or nice like Charlotte and Henry's. It was different, they wondered if it would change or build, looking at each other curiously.
The notes were tender, their tempo careful yet broken. Hopelessness dripped from the song that they listened to as it sucked in new victims of heartache.
The screen was completely black, Schwoz checked if it was working. It was.
Suddenly there was motion. Movement, too dark to understand at first, though it's mannerisms familiar.
Waves.
Ocean waves from the point of view of a storm.
Sunless clouds shaking with thunder and lightning. Heavy raindrops of fear fell in pain at the seas defeated surface. Rings painted it with each drop and the choppy waves continued their erratic distress.
Somehow...the thunder sounded like the breaking of a heart, the rain sounded like one last spark of desperation, and the waves sounded like the bearer of a woefull fate. The occasional lightning strike made them jump.
Jasper looked down, his eyes closing for a moment. A tear slipped off his right cheek meeting the mancave floor in surrender. The devastating song finished, it's job of ripping out their hearts and slamming them into the floor was done. The screen was black once again.
Jaspers hand trembled as it held his own torso. He got up keeping his eye contact with the floor. As he started to walk away a warm hand met his arm. Henry stopped him from taking another step. Jasper looked only at the hand that held him back, too afraid to look up and allow them to find the truth in his bloodshot eyes.
"Jasper what is going on man?", Henry said with his words breathy and careful.
Silence sat anxiously among them. Ray looked from the group next to him to Jasper. His chest tightened with worry and slight guilt. The unknown events about to occur had a good chance of causing destruction. He knew that.
"Jasper come on just-", started Charlotte.
"No please I don't want to do this, there's no point.", interrupted Jasper as he started to walk away once again.
"What do you mean? Just stay please!", said Henry as he stepped in front of his friend.
"No!", Jasper yelled.
His chest heaved as they looked at him with quiet shocked eyes.
Jasper sighed letting his shoulders fall and his head dip toward the floor. "I'm sorry.". He ran a hand through his hair, wishing his trusty hood was up to shadow his vulnerability.
"What do you want me to say?", he asked sincerely.
"Whatever it is you have to say. Whatever it is we don't know.", Charlotte softly begged.
Jasper shook his head. "It's useless. I can't beat it...I just can't.".
"Beat what?", asked Henry.
Jasper gripped his chest, a tear slipping down his statued face. "This.".
Frightened eyes listened in naivity, trying hard to understand.
"I can't be pulled out...I tried.".
He left, unable to make eye contact as the elevator door shut. The ghost of his figure stayed for a few seconds in their minds. His thinned cheekbones laying shadows over strained skin. Faded eyes wading in the dusk of brokenness. It looked like it hurt everytime he had to move and his dark ruffled hair and rippled clothes bled weary.
The ones left behind stood defeated. They looked at each other finding matching looks of disparaging discourage.
Nothing was said for a while as they thought it all over.
"I don't think we're going to get much more from him.", said Ray shaking his head.
"Let's see what we can find out on our own.", said Schwoz grabbing his laptop.
Access to city records was easy, what they discovered was not. Of course they found his fathers records of possession and domestic violence, and his mothers death certificate. Not in school, working two jobs. His address was on a street they had never heard of, no known relatives and two accounts of jaywalking on his own record. Probably the only thing the Swellview police had to do that week.
Shock and worry fought for dominance in the room as their mouths hung open and their eyes studied the screen. It was absolutely crazy, this had to be some kind of joke. People didn't really have lives like that, eccept in the movies maybe. And especially not Jasper. Goofy weird Jasper and his seemingly normal life just like theirs.
Nothing was said in the gently lit room but for Ray asking Schwoz if he was sure he had the right files with one hand leaned on the desk and the other rubbing his forehead.
It was silent for a long time.
They all stood still, analyzing what they could. They were so sure of who they thought he was they just stopped paying attention. They couldn't recount the last time he'd smiled with his heart, the last time he'd had color in his cheeks or life in his eyes.
Henry felt heavier, water sparkled in his disbelieving eyes. "Why couldn't he just tell us?". He said in a sigh running a hand roughly down his face. "I don't know if we can do anything. What if we're too late.".
They couldn't deny that. They knew it went beyond circumstantial issues or maternal grief, Jasper was lost somewhere in twilight, somewhere dark.
Down the street Jasper walked finding the analytical part of his mind to be gone, at least for now.
Numb. There it was again and he was grateful for it.
Complete unknowns reserved the future.
The mancave had never been so static, so quiet. Troubled thoughts hummed in the dust with want for action but lack of a plan.
Henry and Charlotte gravitated towards each other for unconscious comfort. His hand sat around her waist, her chin on his shoulder.
"I say we go find him. Maybe try to get through to him I don't know.", said Ray.
Schwoz agreed. Henry looked at Charlotte to see what she thought. She did the same to him.
They nodded and shrugged knowing they didn't have a better idea, but wishing they did.
The exhausted grey clouds grew slightly warm with their usual anger resulting in forgotten snow and a very sudden soggy downpour.
Jaspers mind had nowhere else to take him but to the water once again. The slippery black rocks didn't taunt him now, he couldn't be beaten any further.
A boulder by the shore, maybe the one he'd clung to before as he waded fatally in the hostile waters, was where he sat. A cigarette without a hope of lighting hung for dear life at the tip of his lips. His head phones sat in his ears that he predicted built up an immunity to water by God's grace. His hair layed stuck to his forehead dripping constantly over his face. Eyes closed. Even his insides were wet by now.
"Jasper!", he heard called distantly through the mist. If only the song could be turned up any louder. And how had they known where to look?
He squeezed his eyes tighter hoping he wouldn't be found, too scared to move.
The freezing water crawled over the dark shore lazily tormenting the rocks that soaked his second hand converse.
Schwoz put his hand on Ray's shoulder as he pointed down to the black rocks and the figure sitting on them by the unfriendly tide.
Jasper felt his rocks weight shift, they were there and his heart beat slow but heavy.
Charlottes gentle fingertips removed his right earbud as he creaked opened his eyes. His aching knuckles took the useless dripping cigarette from his lips. Charlottes soft hand cupped his cheek, love in her touch that reminded him of his mom. That made his chest sting and his eyes bloodshot.
"I'm sorry about the rain I think it's my fault. It won't leave me alone.", he said with shattered sincerity, painful cracks in his voice and fear in the crease of his brow.
"Jasper...", started Ray. "Have you ever thought it might just take time? Sometimes that's all you can do while you're family watches and prays everyday that you'll wake up and feel okay. Then one day you realize you do, and that you have things and people in your life that make you happy.".
Jasper scrunched his eyebrows as he looked down hearing something he hesitated to call hopeful.
"Listen. I know I can't solve this with money or wise words. And I know it might not help or matter, but city hall basically let's me hire whoever I want however I want. They're pretty poorly run. Regardless, what do you say I put you on salary and get you like triple what you're making now. It wouldn't make any difference to me it's their money and you deserve and earn it. Just keep doing what you're doing now and well, maybe a little less actually, you don't have to work so hard you know.", finished Ray.
"We'll wait this out with you. We have nowhere else to go either.", said Henry who felt more anxious fear than anyone.
"You are stuck with us Jasper. Rain and all.", said Charlotte.
Jasper ran a slightly trembling hand through his sopping hair as he looked down unsure. He thought he'd gone over every possiblility, this wasn't one of them.
"What do you have to lose? Let us try.", said Schwoz.
For the first time in however long, Jasper looked them in the eyes. "What if you're wrong and I can't be redeemed?".
"Trust me we're not wrong.", said Ray.
Jasper looked up at the stormed sky. He mumbled a prayer before standing up.
"I don't know what his plan is, but I hope this is it.", his rough voice said quietly within the grey ocean spray.
Over time Jasper didn't feel so heavy. It didn't rain so much, and the water was no longer his lonely refuge.
There was life rebuilding in his eyes and hope in his chest. He never ever thought it possible, but for once he felt he was going to be okay. There's a first time for everything he thought. His trauma and mental downfalls wanted to strangle him often, tell him this was just temporary and that he was living a fake fantasy. But he could feel God in his bones and flickers of actual happiness in his future.
It was the pressure of keeping secrets that had made him isolate his soul and feel so utterly alone. That was what made him feel so unreal.
As he layed in the same bed he used to resent more than anything, his sweatshirted arms criss crossed behind his head as he watched sun spots dance on the ceiling. He took a deep breath through his nose. Was that excitement he felt? Like to get up and go to work? Well he had no frame of reference but that's sure what it felt like.
As he layed comfortably in content he realized something that told him these feelings were here to stay.
He wasn't cold anymore.