No Reason Yet To Die

Author's Note: This was a request by Thsle on ao3, and it's for the 501st Bingo square "mutual pining". :')

Yes, it will huuuurt. ;)

PS. Also, it includes a reference to our headcanon that Rey is Anakin's reincarnation. :D

~ Amina Gila

When Kix first wakes up, everything is jumbled and confused. Hazy. He's not sure where he is or what's happening, and he vaguely remembers talking, his thoughts, and fragments of what he remembered, tumbling out before he passed out again.

"Skywalker. Get me General Skywalker!"

The next time Kix wakes up, he's a little more coherent. He looks around, warily assessing his surroundings. He doesn't know where he is, but he recognizes nothing around him. He's in a medbay somewhere, a small one, probably on a small starship. It's not a Republic ship, though, and a pit opens up in his gut.

The last thing he remembers clearly was being put into statis to be transported to the Sith after a long interrogation by the Separatists. He knew that he had to get out, had to warn everyone about what he'd discovered, but then…

The door opens, and it's a stranger who enters, probably a pirate if Kix had to guess. "You're awake," he states, moving closer.

"Where am I?" he rasps out, pushing himself upright on the cot. His head spins, and he closes his eyes, breathing in slowly a few times before the dizziness fades enough for him to look towards the figure. "What's happening?" That's a safe question, at least.

But the answer he gets is not the one he'd expected. He's only half certain he's awake, and not hallucinating, as he's told about how he was in statis for decades, and how the Clone Wars ended with the destruction of the Jedi Order and the Republic's fall into an Empire. He's told about how the Empire was destroyed and replaced by the New Republic, and how all the Republic clone troopers are now dead.

Except him.

Kix listens, and he just feels… numb.

He thinks he should be upset, maybe, that he was unable to prevent it all from coming about. He thinks he ought to be angry that he was separated from all of his brothers, that he wasn't by their side as the world came down around them.

The stranger gives him a datapad to catch up on galactic history and then, leaves him alone.

He scrolls aimlessly for a short while, feeling despair drag him lower and lower. All he did, and it was for nothing in the end. He couldn't stop it. Fives couldn't stop it. None of them could. They were never anything other than pawns in a twisted game, and they lost. Shock gives way to grief, and he puts down the datapad, staring blankly, thinking about all the brothers he knew, wondering what happened to them, how they died. Wondering… too many things. Wondering things that he'll never get an answer to.

He's all alone in this strange, new galaxy, so different from everything he remembers. There is no one here who can even begin to understand anything about his life, not after so much time has passed.

What happened to General Skywalker? Natborns live longer than clones do, but Kix is too afraid to hope for anything positive, not with the knowledge that the Jedi were destroyed hanging over his head. He can't imagine his General being dead, but he knows how likely it is anyway. Despite himself, he looks it up.

And wishes he hadn't.

Apparently, General Skywalker joined the Empire, going under the name of Darth Vader. The public views of him are… negative, to say the least. It hurts. It hurts so much to see it, because it feels like no one remembers him as the person he was. General Skywalker was loyal. He was a good person. He took care of the clones like no other Jedi that Kix knew, and he – he protected them. He never considered himself above him. He cared. And Kix has no idea what happened, or what could have led to the things he's seeing – assuming they're all real, that is.

A flicker on the peripheral of his vision draws his attention, and he turns his head to the side, tense and braced for anything, to see a blue, translucent figure flickering into view. It's enough to take his breath away because Kix knows him. It – it's his General. It's General Skywalker.

Who is dead.

"Kix," says the General, nodding. His expression is sad, but – he's not… he's blue and transparent. Almost like a hologram, but not quite. He looks solid. He's not flickering or buzzing with static the way a true hologram might, and something uneasy slithers into Kix's gut. Is this… real?

But that doesn't make sense. He's dead.

"General," he answers automatically, setting aside the datapad.

"I – I'm sorry," says the ghost. He is a ghost, right? Kix has never believed in ghosts before, but he can think of nothing else that could explain what's happening here. "I tried to find you after you were taken, but we lost the trail. I…" he pauses, trailing off, shaking his head. "There is no excuse. Nothing can make up for… what I've done."

A chill ripples through him. "It's true then?" he asks quietly. "What I read?"

The General looks away. "I did a lot of things I'm not proud of," he answers, which is basically a yes, "And I'll explain it all to you, if you want to hear." Kix doesn't know if he does.

"You're… real?" he checks, voice a whisper.

The apparition comes closer, hovering only feet away from him, as if uncertain if he can come closer. "I'm real," he promises. "After I died, I… became a ghost. A Force ghost. The Force gave me this chance to exist beyond death, perhaps to help, if I could make things right somehow, or at least make them better."

Kix looks away, closing his eyes, feeling it as the emotions begin to claw their way up his chest, demanding to be let loose. His shock is fading into a numb acceptance and a deep, gutting pain. "This wasn't supposed to happen," he croaks out, and then, the tears come, and he breaks down.

When Fives had talked to him, he'd promised to help. He'd looked into it, spent hours pouring over his autopsy report, over what he'd said. He'd studied neuroscience, trying to understand more about the inhibitor chips, researching for hours.

And finally, he'd unraveled it all, and the truth was worse than his wildest dreams. All he'd known was that he had to tell someone, but somehow, the Separatists, the Sith had known what he was doing, and they'd taken him. They took him off Coruscant, right under the noses of his brothers and General. They took him, and he was too late to do anything to save them, any of them. They're gone, and he… failed.

"I'm sorry," his General says again, and the pain in his voice is genuine.

Kix sobs until he's too worn out to cry anymore, but the ghost of his General stays with him through it all. He doesn't talk, doesn't offer any reassurances or platitudes that it'll be okay. Instead, he just stands there silently, and even if he's a ghost, it somehow makes Kix feel a little less alone.

"I – I found it out, about the chips," he admits when he's able to talk again. He's shaking slightly, leaning back against the wall, curled into a ball.

The ghost moves closer, listening attentively. "That's why they took you," the General realizes, nodding. "I had wondered. We knew it was something important, but… we would never have guessed…"

"The Separatists interrogated me," Kix remembers, his voice still shaking a little, "But I didn't tell them anything. They wanted to know who I told, and they were going to send me to the Sith when I wouldn't talk."

The anguish in his General's eyes is real, even if Kix's struggling to accept how he could have become what he's seen of Vader. He doesn't understand it, doesn't know if he wants to, but he knows his General. He knows him, knows the kind of man he was, and it – it hurts to know that he's probably the last living person who even remembers him anymore.

"I'm sorry," he says again. "I should have saved you."

Kix exhales shakily, looking away. "It's not your fault. The Sith were… persistent. None of us realized what we were tangled up in."

Even with the ghost here, though, he feels alone. He's never felt alone before, not like this, and he – he doesn't like it, doesn't know how to handle it. Always, in the past, he's had his brothers. It feels like just yesterday that he and Jesse were joking about something, that they rescued Echo from Skako Minor. It feels like yesterday that –

And it hits him that, for him, it practically was yesterday. He's only been a prisoner for a couple weeks, tops. He was taken shortly after they got Echo out – he'd given the report on Echo's condition to Rex himself. It's only been weeks for him, but the galaxy has moved on. He inhales slowly, nearly choking on it, closing his eyes as he wrestles with his feelings, trying not to break down all over again. He doesn't know what to do now; he doesn't have a place anymore, doesn't have anywhere to go.

"I know," replies the General – Anakin. He sits on the edge of the bed, close enough that Kix knows he'd feel the warmth of his body if he was still flesh and blood. He almost looks like he wants to cry, too. "The Sith were…" He shakes his head, his voice raw, tortured. "Sidious had all the cards stacked against us from the beginning, but I still – chose wrong. Made mistakes. I could have saved you, so many of you, if I had… tried."

Kix swallows. "What – what happened to…" everyone? He trails off, uncertain if he even wants to know, but he needs to know, at the same time. He'll wonder and agonize over it until he knows. "Jesse?" He settles on at last, because it was Jesse who he was closest to. They were batchmates and then, they'd been squadmates too, staying together through everything, no matter how many of their brothers they saw fall.

"Maul was causing problems on Mandalore," Anakin tells him, tone gentle, aware of how much this will hurt, but still understanding Kix's need to know. He touches Kix's arm, and for a moment, he can only see it, but then, there's a ripple of Light, a shiver of pinpricks over his skin, and he can feel it, the faintest pressure. It's not quite real, but it's enough to keep him grounded and give him something to cling to. "– And Ahsoka came back to tell us about it. I sent her with the boys to Mandalore to deal with him. She captured him –" There's a familiar, fond pride in his voice as he says it, before it shifts to an aching grief, "– And… they were on the way back when Order 66 was given out."

Kix makes a quiet, choked noise, almost afraid to hear the rest, but he needs to know. Jesse was his brother. They grew up together, did everything together pretty much, and he – he has to know, has to know what happened. The pressure on his arm increases, and it's only because of that that he's able to keep the tears at bay. He's a soldier. He's not a child anymore; he knows better than to cry, and yet, that rationale isn't nearly enough to make him stop.

"He followed the order," Anakin continues quietly, his own grief obvious, a living thing that's wrapped around him, even now, in death. "He tried to kill Ahsoka. From my understanding, she let Maul out to cause a diversion, while she removed Rex's chip. They escaped together, as did Maul, and the cruiser crashed on a nearby moon. There were no survivors."

"Stars," Kix whispers, closing his eyes. He can't quite imagine it, doesn't want to imagine it, but his mind unhelpfully supplies him with images and data, telling him all the many, many ways someone could die in a ship crash, and he wonders, morbidly, wildly, how Jesse died, if it had been fast, if he'd suffered.

"They recovered the bodies they could and buried them," Anakin adds. "I – went there. I saw it, their graves."

The words reverberate around his mind, over and over, and he swallows a helpless, desperate sob. It doesn't matter anymore. Jesse – and all of them – is dead and gone and probably no one remembers him anymore except the Commander if she's even still alive.

"Rex?" he croaks out, tears stinging his eyes, falling down his face again. It's too much too fast, and he doesn't – he doesn't know how to deal with it. This isn't something he was ever trained for. Yes, they were taught to let go of their brothers, to keep moving if they die, but to face the loss of every single one? None of his training could have prepared him for his. None of it.

"He died some years ago," Anakin answers, "But it was… natural. He was old, and it was his time." He pauses. "I think he wanted it then. He was the last one left as far as I know."

Somehow, it comforts him, just a little, to know that one of his brothers lived into old age. If any of them would, it would be Rex. "What now?" he asks finally when he calms himself a little. The grief will take a long time to fade, if indeed it ever will, but he's not – he's not totally and completely alone, not with his General's ghost here at his side. "What do I do now?"

A soft, sad smile is directed at him. "That is your choice, Kix," he replies. "You are free, of the war, of everything. You're free, and I know it probably does not feel like much, that it is not something you even want, but that is what it is."

"I don't even know what to do with… this," he states, hollowly. "I don't feel free."

Anakin's other hand lands on his shoulder and squeezes, keeping him grounded. "I know. I did not, either, when I first came to the Temple. It was… strange and foreign, and I… struggled. For us, it has always been about having a purpose, about serving something greater. I never knew how to… do anything for myself, and I know that you did not, either. None of you did."

"Yeah," Kix offers quietly, uncertainly, fingers twisting in his lap. He feels numb, empty, devoid of purpose, and he knows that he needs to find something to do, because this – this grief and depression will consume him otherwise, and he owes it to Jesse and to Rex and to Echo and to all of his fallen brothers, each and every last one of them, to do something with his life, even if he doesn't like this… freedom.

"What – what can I do?" If anyone can answer that, his General can. Anakin helped them. He always knew when and how to offer them advice or comfort or solace or something. He always knew how to help them, sometimes even better than each other.

He's quiet, for a long moment, a curl of Light whispering through the air, and Kix shivers at the feeling. When he woke up, the universe felt empty and dead, but now, it feels more alive again. The Force always felt like this when his General used it, alive and Light in a way that it never did for any other Jedi. He, and all the clones, aren't sensitive to the Force, but they could all feel it when Anakin Skywalker tapped into it. He was so good, so Light, so strong with it.

"Go to Jakku," he says finally. "It's in the Inner Rim. There is a girl there, named Rey. She… will need your help."

Kix blinks. "Why?" he asks, admittedly surprised by the unusual request. "Why… her?"

Anakin smiles, soft and shy, and for a moment, he looks young, like the man he was during the war, the man Kix remembers him as. "Because she's me," he answers simply, "I cannot tell you everything, but I can tell you that there is a coming darkness, a darkness that I did not defeat when I lived. I – I have always struggled with my… destiny as the Chosen One, but I cannot deny who I am. There is no death, there is only the Force. I had to finish what I started, and the Force… granted me that chance, through her, but she has her own path, one that will not be burdened by my choices and mistakes. Her slate is clean, clear. She will need you, people, friends she can trust."

Jedi osik, he thinks wryly, but doesn't say it, a little overwhelmed by everything his General has told him. "And you want me to help her?"

"If you want," Anakin answers.

As if there's even any doubt. There was a time that, to Kix, feels like yesterday, but was, in reality, decades ago, when he would have died for his General without a second thought. Anakin was the kind of man who inspired that loyalty and devotion, and even now, even knowing what his General became, Kix would still do it. "For you, General, I would do anything," he promises. He doesn't add that he has nothing and nowhere else right now.

But he doesn't need to, because Anakin knows that. He knows it, and he offered Kix something, a place where he'll be needed, a place where he can belong, a person he can serve, and it – he appreciates it more than he can ever say. As always, Anakin knows what he needs more than even he himself does, and he's given him that.

"I know you would," Anakin murmurs, fond and sad, and he leans forward to touch their foreheads together for a brief moment. "I have never deserved that loyalty, but I hope that she will. The Force will be with you, Kix, and with her, and when your time here is fulfilled, just know that I will be waiting for you on the other side, and so are each and every one of your brothers."

He feels tears prickle at his eyes again, and he sucks in a ragged breath. "Thank you," he whispers, because he doesn't know what else to say, how else he can even begin to convey his gratitude to the Jedi who watched over him and all of them, when they and he were alive, and even now when he's dead and a ghost.

"Always," Anakin replies, and Kix knows that he means it. "If you need me, just call. I'll always be here, watching over you."

Of course, he will be. That's just who he is. Kix doesn't really understand how Anakin could have become Darth Vader, how he could have done the things Kix has seen, but he knows beyond the shadow of a doubt that, regardless of what Anakin became, he is still the person he always was, the loving and loyal friend – and brother – who Kix knew him as.

For Anakin, he will go to find Rey on Jakku, and in his memory, in the memory of all those who are now dead and gone, he will watch over her and help her.

"– just know that I will be waiting for you on the other side, and so are each and every one of your brothers," Anakin had said, and maybe it can't take away the grief and pain that are weighing him down, but it's still soothing, comforting all the same. It gives Kix a strength that he previously lacked. It will probably never stop hurting. He'll probably never stop grieving, aching for those who he lost, yearning for the time that he knew. Maybe the hurt will never fade, and the grief will be a constant throb in his chest, but he can live with it, because he has something to live for now, a purpose that his General gave to him.

This is not what Kix ever wanted to happen. This is everything that he had struggled to stop, but it's what happened, and he can only accept it and move forward. The Force is with him, like Anakin said, and he is with him, which is far more of a comfort.

He's a clone. He was trained to get back up when something happens, to keep fighting. He doesn't have a Republic to fight for, and he wouldn't give his loyalty to an organization even if there was. But he has a person to fight for, even if he doesn't yet know her and even if she doesn't yet know him, and that is enough.

It will have to be enough.

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