Rage. So much rage. It burnt her. Consumed her. Like cold, frozen fire. So much hatred. Hatred for the world, life and the light. So feeble. So lost. So broken. So alone.
I stared into those wide, innocent eyes, fearful and uncomprehending. Eyes that darted from side to side, looking for a way out. Trapped. In pain. Bulging eyes, afraid of death. Pleading eyes. Pleading to me. Asking for help.
"I dare you to kiss it."
I tore myself away from the eyes of the frog and into the eyes of the girl holding it. Fearless. Triumphant. I pulled a face at her.
"That's gross, May. Why would I want to kiss a frog?"
May stuck her tongue out and lifted the frog towards me, smiling wickedly as I cringed away from it's slimy green body.
"Because it might turn into a prince. Everyone knows that."
"No it won't, stupid. It's just a frog. Frog Princes don't exist. Only a stupid person would think that." I frowned at the frog, squirming in May's hands. "Put it down. You're hurting it."
May's only response was to shove the frog into my face, laughing as I spluttered and gagged, the frog kicking against my cheeks, sending me tumbling backwards into the undergrowth, the frog leaping off towards the pond.
"That's NOT funny, May!" I shouted, as she fell about laughing. I tried combing the twigs out of my hair. Lady Senelle would kill me if I came back messy again. It would be all May's fault. She always got me into trouble. Not that anyone would believe me if I told them. All she would have to do is bat her eyelids and cry those crocodile tears and everyone would blame me. It didn't help that whenever we wandered off I would always be the one that came back looking dirtier than the pig boy, whilst May would always be pristine. It didn't matter if we had been playing in the clay pits or catching newts in the pond, she somehow came back without a mark on her.
I scowled at May, as her mirth subsided, wiping the taste of frog off my lips with one hand and pulling the last of the twigs out of my dirty blonde hair, more dirty than blonde at the moment.
"I guess he wasn't a prince after all," she said, shooting me a grin. I stuck my tongue out at her. I'd get her back somehow. I heard a plop behind me, as the frog jumped into the pond. I stood and watched it kick its way into the depths.
I felt May stand beside me, watching the frog disappear, the wind rushing through the reeds, rippling the mirror-flat surface of the pond, out across the trickling brook and into the wider lake beyond. On the far shore, stood a castle, pennants and banners flicking idly.
"Do you think he'll be alright?" I shot May a quizzical look.
"You know, the frog? Do you think he has a family? A mate? Little baby frogs?"
I sneered at her. "Frogs don't have babies, you stupid. Frogs have tadpoles."
She gave me a smack, a lazy smile plastered over her face.
"I know that, silly. But if all the Little People have families, houses, shops and such, don't you think frogs, badgers, mice, otters and rabbits and all the animals do too?"
"You are a stupid," I told her scornfully. "The Little People aren't animals. They're people, just like us." I tapped her on her perfect black curls. "Maybe smarter than you."
May gave a squeal of outrage. "I am smart, you dirty little commoner." She bent down and grabbed a handful of dark, stinking pond muck. She shot me another wicked grin.
"You wouldn't dare!" I told May, as she pulled her arm back. "You get my pinafore mucky and I'll tell the Queen."
May shot me a look of outrage. "You little sneak! You wouldn't dare."
"I would too. And I'll tell her you were mean to the frog. And that you keep sneaking off at night."
May's eyes widened. "How do you know about that?" She looked down her aristocratic nose at me and flashed her sharp little teeth. "Anyway, I don't sneak. You're the sneak. A sneak and a liar. They'll never believe you if you say anything." With that, she threw the ball of mud at me. It splattered all over my dress. The pinafore, which had been a salvageable off-white, was now clarted in foul black mud.
I stared at May in outrage. "You horrible littlewitch! That's never coming out!"
May flashed her sharp teeth at me again. "What's the matter, scared of a little mud?"
I stared at my soiled dress. There was no coming back from this. Senelle was going to murder me. May's smile faltered a little at my distress. "It's ok Aelix. It's just mud. I'll help you scrape it off."
As May approached me, I shot her a wicked grin of my own. Scraping the mud off the front of my dress and rubbed it all over her face, May squawking with surprise.
"How dare you!" She said, her face set in fury, though I could see her eyes dance with mischief. "I'm the princess, I'll have you hanged for that, you dirty commoner!"
She grabbed me and we both fell to the floor, grappling with each other "What sort of princess wrestles in the mud?" I spat the words out from a face full of weeds.
"What sort of Lady fights with her princess?" puffed May, by now resembling a mud monster. "I could have your head chopped off for treason."
"You don't really think I'm stupid do you?"
We sat by the edge of the pond, our feet idly splashing in the cool waters, the mud slowly drying to our backs.
I looked over at May, a shy smile on her filthy face, her clothes and hair matted with the stuff. She didn't look remotely regal or lady-like. If anyone had happened to see us, they would have mistaken us for a couple of bog creatures or pond nymphs, perhaps plotting to drown a passing prince. I smiled at the thought. I blew through my nose. A gob of muddy snot shot out into my palm. I wiped it on the grass. May continued to stare at me, her features slightly anxious. I sighed and rolled my eyes.
"No, May. You're not stupid. I was just being mean." She shot me a sharp-toothed grin, a flash of white against the dark mud covering her. I looked away, down at my ruined clothes and sighed again. Senelle would be livid. She might even give me the birch.
A spasm of guilt creased May's face, as if the same thought had occurred to her. "Sorry about your dress. Let's see if we can get cleaned up."
It would take a miracle to clear off the dirt. Our clothes by now were more mud than materiel. We decided the simplest thing was to wash it off in the pond. We stripped off to our underclothes and began scrubbing with bits of grass and twigs. It didn't seem to help. If anything, It looked worse. Now our clothes were both muddy and wet. I threw my dress down in a fit of disgust.
"This isn't working. I wish I was a water-nymph. Then I wouldn't have to wear stupid clothes."
May laughed and threw her dress down too. She kicked back and swam into the middle of the pond.
"Let's be water-nymphs then. No more clothes. No more lessons. No more telling us what to do."
"No more princesses," I muttered under my breath. I spluttered as May splashed me in the face.
"That's it," I said. "If I'm a water-nymph, then I'm drowning you princess." I charged into the water after May. She cried out in mock terror as I grabbed her and pushed her under. I let her go and she spat a spout of water into my face. I gave her a head start, before charging after her again.
I chased her around the pond several times, catching May and dunking her several more times, our filthy dresses forgotten. By the time we flopped back onto the bank, the sun was a rosy red glow on the horizon.
"Let's run away," said May. "Let's run away and never return."
I sat up on my elbow and looked at her. "You can't run away. You've got to be queen one day."
May made a face. "I don't want to be queen. My sisters can be queens if they want. I want to have adventures. I want to see the world. I don't want to sit around all day telling people what to do, going to parties and wearing dresses."
"I wouldn't mind going to parties and wearing dresses," I said mildly.
"Don't you want to go see anything, Aelix?" May retorted. "Don't you want to see a Water Dragon or fight pirates or see the pyromancers of the Southern Desert? Don't you want to catch the Will-o-the-whisp or journey to the centre of the world?"
I gave a derisory snort. "Of course I do. But we can't."
May frowned at me. "Why not?"
"Because," I said, searching for a reason. "Because… those are the rules. Besides," I tucked a strand of my long fair hair behind my pointed ear. "It's not like we can do those things now. We're too young."
May shot me a secret smile, flashing her canines. "I have."
"You have not," I scoffed.
Her smile widened. "Where do you think I've been going at night? There's a passage in the castle. It goes down deep. So deep that you can hear the dragons breathing. And tunnels. Tunnels of faerie lights. I bet one of them goes to the centre of the world."
I gave her a look. Yeah right.
"It's true!" She looked slightly hurt. "If you don't believe me, I'll show you. Tonight."
I frowned. She seemed earnest, confident, eager for me to believe. She had tricked me before though. Just last week, she had tried to get me to believe that there was a monster in the closet, only for it to be revealed to be Derion, the pot boy, covered in flour.
"I'm not lying." May gave me a frustrated frown. "Come with me. Don't you want to go on an adventure? I …" May's voice trailed off, looking over my shoulder. "Oh no."
"What?" I looked behind me. A pair of sturdy work boots. My eyes followed up, past the practical but utterly immaculate dress to the face above. Senelle looked absolutely furious. I closed my eyes and my insides wilted.
Hunger. So hungry. Always hungry. Hurts. Inside, it hurts. She feels it. Pulling at a thread. Yes. There it is. Pulling. Helpless. Trying to escape. Can't. Won't. Follow the thread. Yes. Yes, yesyesyes. She sees it. Struggle. Yes, struggle little life. Reel it in. What is it? What is it, whatisitwhatisit? No. Not good flesh. Small. Just a morsel. It will do. For now.
The princess stared at her feet, rather than see the look of disappointment on her mother's face.
"Oh Maeve, when are you going to show even a small amount of deportment? You had poor Senelle worried sick. Can't you empathise, even a little, the heartbreak you put us through each time that you run away?"
May shuffled her feet sullenly, sucking on the end of one of her neat braids, quickly restored to cleanliness and perfection by her mother's ladies-in-waiting, before she had been near dragged before the queen.
She shot a quick glance at the dais, where her mother and two sisters sat, each the perfect example of power and stern beauty that she always failed to meet up to. Even the tiny Mab, little more than a toddler, managed to sit on her demi-throne with a solemn dignity, her golden curls perfectly coifed and a serene smile on her cherubic lips, until she caught May looking at her and stuck out her tongue. May scowled at her in reply.
The Queen did not fail to notice the exchange and raised a warning eyebrow at Mab, her sister's face quickly returned to serene indifference.
"Would the two of you at least try to show some dignity in my court?"
May resumed her examination of her shoes, angrily scuffing the floor.
"One day, the three of you will share my throne as queens of your own, queens of all fae, great and small, from the Little Folk, to the great beasts of the ocean and sky. The responsibility will fall to you Maeve, as the oldest, to guide your sisters and our people. They will look to you, in times of war and need, to show responsibility, strength and most of all decorum." The Queen raised her voice with these final words, as May had begun drawing on the floor with the dirt that had fallen off her shoe, somehow missed by the Queen's handmaidens and ladies-in-waiting.
"You cannot gallivant around the countryside like some wild beast, Maeve. It is unseemly and cruel to those who care about you." She signalled to a breath-takingly beautiful male fae standing behind her throne, his auburn locks tumbling artfully over his dark armour, the white favour around his muscled bicep marking him as the Queen's blood-sworn. He stepped down from the dais to stand beside May.
"From now on, you will be accompanied by Jorsin, wherever you go, he will follow, as your sworn-shield. If you so much as think of doing anything so foolish as you have done today, he will bring you straight home. If you won't learn to behave like a lady voluntarily, I'll have to keep you here under lock and key."
May stopped her scuffing to throw Jorsin a scornful look. His returning gaze was steady and unruffled. May resumed her scowling and kicking at the dirt. Her mother sighed and rubbed her clear eyes with a perfectly manicured hand. She spoke again in a softer voice than before.
"It's for your own good May. The world is dangerous. One day, you're going to charge off into the wild blue yonder, with no way home. I couldn't live with myself if I let that happen."
The Queen looked away from May and instead addressed Jorsin, her features hardening.
"Take the princess back to her chambers and confine her there, until I send for her." She turned back to May, her features still hard, "Until you prove to me that I can trust you to behave like a fae, and not some beast of the land, let alone a princess, you will stay in your room." The Queen raised her chin, looking imperiously down at May, "You are dismissed."
May said nothing, only shooting her mother a truculent look, as Jorsin took her arm and led her firmly from the chamber. At the doorway, she turned back, just as Mab blew a raspberry at her. She raised her fist and made a rude gesture at her. Just as her mother began to berate her sister, the doors to the chamber swung closed.
I had never seen Senelle so angry. As soon as we were back through the castle gates, May and I were separated; several ladies-in-waiting spiriting her off to see the queen, whilst Senelle dragged me off into the living quarters by my ear. It would be the birch rod for sure.
Senelle was muttering furiously to herself as we swept through the castle, "Selfish girl… Completely naked…bringing shame upon the princess…". I protested the whole time, it wasn't my fault, it had been May's idea to run off. I had said we should stay put. I didn't know how our clothes got so mucky. If May hadn't shoved that stupid frog in my face…
At that, Senelle turned and boxed my ears. "How DARE you drag the princess into this, you thoughtless, thoughtless girl. How could you be to utterly foolish? Your carelessness could have put yourself and the princess in real danger. Not only that, but you could have sullied her reputation forever. Why did you go there, of all the foolish places to go?"
Servants passing us in the corridor were looking at us curiously. Derion shot me a conspiratorial wink. I rolled my eyes at him. Senelle grabbed me roughly.
"Don't you dare roll your eyes at me, you little madam." She dragged me along the corridor to the suite of rooms I shared with May, as her companion and future lady-in-waiting (though, as Senelle took pains to tell me, I was unlikely to become a lady, if I had to be dragged back to the castle in my muddy underclothes all the time).
The main room was spacious and airy, richly decorated, though sparsely furnished, as May had a tendency to make everything dirty, though I often got the blame for that.
Senelle plonked me at the desk that May and I usually sat at to be taught sums and to practice our hand writing. I knew what was coming next, even though my ears burned to their sharp points with the injustice of it. It wasn't my fault. May was always causing trouble. Why did Senelle always blame me for it? I stared at the desk, the ruts in the wood from all the times I had sat here in this position before. Even though I knew what to do, I refused to stretch out my hand, until Senelle ordered me to.
Slowly, my fingers crept over the pitted wood, already tingling with the thought of what was to come. I could feel tears already welling behind my eyes. I brushed them away angrily. It wasn't my fault. It wasn't. It wasn't. It was May's fault. Why did she always do it? Why couldn't she just sit still and do what we were told to do? I bet that Princess Mora's ladies didn't get beaten with a birch rod, for things they didn't do. In spite of being a year younger than May, Princess Mora was already the picture of deportment and refinement. A credit to the court and a true queen in waiting, the Northern Ambassador had said.
I bet Eglise, Mora's companion didn't have her dress ruined, wresting in a mud pile either.
I yelped, as the first blow of the birch struck my outstretched hand, the skin on my fingers rapidly reddening. It stung worse than anything, but I knew worse was yet to come.
Darkness. Safe. Listen. Voices. Hear voices. Can't make out what. Salivating. Been so long since something large came through. Blood. Need blood. Not enough in the small slimy thing. Tried to hop away. Not fast enough. Can hear the voices. Close. So close. Come to me little creatures. Come to me. Let me feast on your flesh.
"Sorry about your hand."
"Save it."
"I really am sorry."
"You always say that. You never mean it."
"I do this time. It won't happen again."
"No you don't. Not really. You'll run away again and I'll get the blame. You don't care. You're not my friend."
"I am Aelix. I am. You're my best friend."
"If you were my friend, you'd stop them hurting me. You'd stay in the castle and learn to be a proper lady. But you won't. You'll run away and make them hurt my hand again."
"I'm sorry, Aelix. I can't help it. That's not me." She sat down on the end of my bed, her shoulders hunched over, her long black hair covering her face. She breathed out a long sigh, her voice almost a whisper. "I'll never be a proper lady."
She turned and looked at me, all the mischief gone from her face. I could see silver in her eyes. "I'll never be who mother wants me to be." She gave a long gulp, holding back her tears. I stared at her, sitting up, a long shaft of moonlight cutting across the bed, like the claw of a beast. I scooted over and put my arm around her, ignoring the slight throb in my hand. May lent her head on my shoulder.
"She wants me to be a queen, like her. But I can't. I try to listen. I try to do what she tells me to do; I try to hold my head high. I try to say the right things, clever things, like she does. But no one laughs. They just tell me off all the time. I can't even wear my dress properly. It's too tight and there's always mud on it, even when no one notices. Sometimes," I felt her tears trickle down my neck and into my hair. "Sometimes, I think she wishes she just had two daughters, just Mora and Mab." May's voice quietened to barely a whisper, "It's like you said, I'm just stupid."
I gripped her tightly and laid my head on hers. "I'm sorry I called you stupid May. You're not." I gently stroked her hair. "You're clever and funny and you're my best friend too." I stroked her tangled hair. "You want to stay over tonight?"
May gave a big sniff and flashed me a watery smile. I laid the covers over both of us, sliding over to give her room to lay her head on the pillow.
"I really am sorry about your hand Aelix."
I waved it nonchalantly. "It doesn't hurt so bad," I lied, and laid my arm over her, as she sighed and closed her eyes.
Weave the web. Trap. Set the trap. Prey. Goes in the trap. Tunnels. Down, down they go. Deep. Dark. Cool. Fresh. Keep it fresh. Wrap it tight. So tight. Sometimes squeal. Sometimes quiet. Little hands, little wings. Light. Hate light. Burns. Bite it. Bite hard. Little noises. Words. So many words. Noise. Just noise. Wrap it tight. Blood. Keep it fresh. Larder. Keep it stocked. All the meat. So hungry. Need more. Always more. More traps. Webs. Voices. Wait. Wait for the voices.