"I was not yet ready to see my wounds as gifts."
It seemed as if everything she touched or was simply near her became light, she was like those priestesses whose powers freed him from all his sorrows, whatever they might be.
Every time he allowed himself a little whim, looking at her out of the corner of his eye, what was this feeling called, he wondered, since he only caught himself thinking about her, watching her every step, looking for her scent in the corridors and stumbling over her smile.
and the nightmares that used to attack him, today they were more and more distant, that river that separated him from his victims, Tomoe who was waiting for him on the other side extending her hands to him could hardly be distinguished, because when he opened his eyes he stumbled with the illusion of a life as a simple and ordinary being.
His fingers sank into the soap and water, and again kaoru surprised him, perhaps losing himself in what memories, their mere touch awakened him, as he dipped the cloth back under the water, he observed his hands could easily pass as the hands of an aristocrat, there was not a single scar or mark on them, while the rest of his body today could resemble a map. And that is how a samurai can be discovered, because when wielding a sword the agility of the hands, wrists and arms are essential and the attacks are not directed towards the hands, but rather to go through some other part of the body.
These were days that really seemed like an illusion, a dream, and although dreams can also come true, many times they hide nightmares, deep down a great wound was hidden.
as he wrung the fabrics to remove the excess, his eyes traveled to study this little girl: jet-black eyes, her skin a little pale and rosy cheeks, whose smile transported him to a place where only he could be.
but that beautiful smile was extinguished in an instant by the evil cloud that sought him incessantly. at the doors of the dojo a mark, one that only a samurai can recognize, a mark that kaoru knew very well.
"i am the darkness of this world"
"knowing your own darkness is the best way to face the darkness of others."
I told her that I would stand by her side, even if it meant endangering not only my own life, but the lives of all those around this dojo. She accepted that consequence with the serious countenance worthy of women who know what loss is.
Kaoru was much stronger than I could imagine, behind the delicacy of her movements and her femininity there was a warrior. Maybe and only maybe destiny would have marked with a red thread that she would find me dying in the streets and that her kindness would cross the edge of my sword, to give her a new purpose, one that was far from death.
"sometimes you have to make a decision that may break your heart, but it will give peace to your soul."
a purpose. but what is a purpose for someone whose only life has been spent around the blood and sacrifice of others? Kaoru embroidered with color and hope a new purpose, one that was long buried under layers and layers of pain.
and even if they were crumbs of happiness, I was willing to take them, to cradle them in my arms until they disappeared, until they vanished along with my soul, and returned it to its origin, to that place from where beings like me at last find a little peace, where sins are atoned for, where demons are released.
and like an ocean, I let myself be carried by the waves of its goodness, I snuggled into the warmth of this home and all these people. the chains were loosening a little more each day, my arms were no longer heavy, my movements were returning to their former capacity. the body was healthy, and the mind was forgetting what was hurting.
Was this my new purpose, protection, had I finally found something I wanted to protect with all my HEART?
When her eyes full of terror and anger melted into mine as I saw her fall prey to a demon from my past, I lost all my temper, my body, a prisoner of hatred, found its own way, I could barely hear the sobbing of little kaoru.
"you are no longer a murderer!" I heard her yell
the sakabatou before launching the triumphant blow stopped, those words made me come back from hell, I remembered again that another was already my path, that sword no longer served selfish purposes.
"I speak in the name of those who, although born demons, knew love".
her fingers tangled in mine holding on tight, as her body shuddered with fear and terror. that had been the first time i had ever lost my temper. i wished i had not seen this pitiful version of myself, but she had already seen the worst.
I pressed my palm against hers as her body leaned against my side as she walked, kaoru's hands unlike those that had once been my guard and my grudge, these hands that clenched mine were warm and strong.
these hands did not need me, they could survive without me and yet they begged me to stay, hovering even if only around them, like those birds that migrate but always return to the same place.
"I am tired of that darkness that sleeps inside me".
"I am tired of the darkness that dwells within me".
her hands found my face and her eyes searching mine for the first time bared each one of my senses, the lie that my lips could utter with her gaze in my pupil would be discovered in an instant. so were Kaoru's powers over me, she and only she was able to contain the monster inside me.
she was like a window for me, a window through which light poured in, an escape from the scorching darkness that overshadowed my passage through this strange new world.
She tucked me into her arms and I sank my face deep into her lap, intoxicated by her scent and whimsically took a strand of her hair and playfully entangled it in my fingers.
I felt her warm voice taking me home, to that place she wanted me to call my own as well.
"light is always easier to love, no one loves the dark."
I separated a little from her, and in a brief impulse I entangled her lips in mine in a shy kiss, while I tied her in an embrace with my body. I could feel her heart racing, I could feel her skin bristle before my touch, but she did not run away, her body relaxed before my caresses and like the waves washing up on the shore, she accepted my embrace.
"It is not possible to awaken to consciousness without pain."
with a kiss I confirmed my feelings and hers, I sealed the promise to call this place "home" and protect her if I had to with my life. slowly I separate from her caressing her rosy cheek.
Her eyes no longer hid from my gaze, and the universe that although blushing at my whimsical act of rebellion stretched out in total splendor, that moment was mine alone, it was ours alone.
"what is wrong is right"
his fingers entangled in mine and together we disappeared from the darkness with the promise of a bright future.
She tucked me into her arms, I sank my face deep into her lap, to become intoxicated by her scent and whimsically took a strand of her hair down her back and tangled it between my fingers playfully.
she made me a little boy again, she made me smile for real, she returned my smile and happiness. i wished it would last every day, eternally. softly i felt her voice welcoming me.
"I will make everything around me beautiful."
And it was she who made my world a beautiful place, her smile was in every cherry petal, her eyes shining like chandeliers dawning my nights with the splendor of her pupil.
Her fingers intertwined in mine, the soft touch of her skin against mine, inflaming a feeling I never felt worthy of, that palm pressed against mine, confirming a pact that not even the gods themselves would break.
this feeling that surfaced in me, that she had carefully sowed and watered with only her existence had already taken root and extended its branches towards infinity, and there was no turning back.
She was not the half I had lost, nor the half I needed to become one again, for I had always been one, but she was the perfect complement, the number that made me no longer an imperfect odd number, but a whole one.
"love is simply knowing the poison and yet drinking it."
I could sneak through the corridors of the corner of her lips, and enter like a thief to steal her sleep, to entangle myself in her waist and make her waves could be made to my shore.
and in the immensity of the night, she would let her hair fall and the jasmine petals like fireflies would surround her whole being, she would turn to look at me and the starry universe and all its galaxies would be trapped in her gaze, and she would look at me.
She would look at me and the conception of a new world would be reborn like the phoenix from its ashes, my hands would gently slip from her silken skin, and I would listen to her like the soft breeze and in a whisper that she was mine, and before such a declaration my being like a tsunami would shudder.
"My demons who though silent, are never silent. calmly wait patiently for a reason to awaken."