AN: This is just a little one shot that takes off of that scene on "Encounter at Farpoint." You know the scene. It's just a little story for fun, so don't expect anything too serious. There's more on that in the AN at the end.
I own nothing from Star Trek.
I hope you enjoy! If you do, please do let me know!
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Jean-Luc felt like his very teeth were on edge. He always felt this way when there was a new adventure stretching out before him—especially one in which he would be responsible for the lives of so many.
He was representing Starfleet, too, on a level that he'd never represented it before.
The flagship.
The only unfortunate thing, perhaps, about the flagship was that the Enterprise was also a family ship. There were entire families on the ship. There were children. There was room for growth. That was what they said. The idea, of course, was that nobody in the crew needed to feel that their lives were put on hold in any significant way. If they had intentions to build a large family, there was nothing stopping them. Their children could be born here, in the state-of-the-art sickbay, and they could run the halls of the Enterprise at play between their classes in the provided school setting.
Jean-Luc would have preferred a more serious and professional ship—one where there were no children.
And there was only a small part of him, deep down inside, that was willing to even entertain the fact that he felt that way because he simply wasn't comfortable with children. In many ways, he wasn't even comfortable with the idea of family. His relationship with his own family had been somewhat tumultuous at times, and he'd left home for the stars as soon as he'd been able.
As for a building a family of his own, the life of a captain hardly allowed for such things. If one was serious about being a captain, and serious about his command, he didn't have time for a family. His duty was to his crew. It wasn't fair to a family to ask them to wait at home for him during all the countless months and years away.
There was some nugget of truth to those excuses, of course, but the same small part of Jean-Luc that knew that he was uncomfortable with the presence of families aboard the Enterprise because of his own experiences, or lack thereof, also knew that he hid behind those excuses.
The truth was, there had never been the right woman. No. That wasn't even the truth. There had absolutely been the right woman. There had been one woman that he had known, almost immediately, that he could love forsaking all others—or however the popular vows went.
The only problem was that she'd been betrothed to his best friend. And, then, she'd married his best friend.
And when, widowed and in need of the love of a man, she'd opened her arms, and her heart—and a few other things, though he did hate to be crass where she was involved—to Jean-Luc, he'd panicked and pushed her away.
He'd been so used to denying himself, that he felt like he had to deny himself again. He said it was for her own good. He said she'd be better off without him. He said it wasn't fair to ask her to wait for him. It wasn't fair to ask her to face the fact that Starfleet might make her a widow again.
For her own good, he'd pushed Beverly Crusher away, breaking his own heart in the process, and further cementing the belief he'd held onto like a security blanket that he, Jean-Luc Picard, would never be a family man.
Really, the small part inside of him that was dedicated to truth—and to calling himself out on his bullshit—knew that the only reason he'd left Beverly Crusher sleeping in her bed, alone, that morning, and the only reason he'd half-assed explained himself with excuses and his declarations of a veritable martyr, was because he'd been too much of a coward to face the truth.
He was madly, desperately, overwhelmingly in love with Beverly Crusher. He had been since the moment he'd first seen her. He couldn't imagine a happiness more profound than having her, and holding her, forever. The sweetest death he could know would be in her arms.
But he was terrified of the possibility of failure where Beverly was concerned. He was terrified of the possibility of the loss of that which, once truly possessing it, he would not want to live without.
He was, in essence, cutting out his own heart to save himself from the possibility of losing it someday.
He had hurt her, and the look on her face, during that final communication, had haunted him daily since then—several months before.
That was, honestly, one of the greatest reasons that his teeth felt practically on edge.
Beverly Crusher had been assigned as the Chief Medical Officer of the Enterprise. Jean-Luc would, of course, arrange for her immediate transfer to wherever she might want to go. He would give her a glowing recommendation. He would make sure she got the placement of her dreams.
He would tell her that it was to save her from the pain that she would likely feel from seeing him day in and day out.
He would put it back on her, but it would really be to save himself.
And he had been practically short of breath, and fully short of patience, all day long because he knew, before he could arrange that transfer, he would have to meet her, again, face-to-face. And, once again, he would have to face what he'd done—and what he truly regretted, but felt unable to rectify.
He would have to face that he had left the bed of the only woman that he'd ever truly loved, without waking her and without even the weak explanation he'd offered her days later, and that he'd done so out of the cold fear that he would, in some way, fail her and lose her.
A self-fulfilling prophecy.
Jean-Luc only hoped the rest of his crew wouldn't pick up on the veritable storm of emotions that was brewing inside of him.
When he heard the sound of the turbolift door opening onto the bridge—and when he saw the attention of some of his crew shift in that direction—he naturally looked where they were looking.
There was a boy on the turbolift.
"Children are not allowed on the bridge!" Jean-Luc snapped.
Beverly stepped out from beside the boy. She'd been obscured by the side of the turbolift.
Jean-Luc's heart practically stopped in his chest to see her there, and the shock didn't get any better as he took her in. Her uniform clearly identified her as part of the medical team, as it should, but it also clearly identified something else entirely.
Jean-Luc felt realization wash down over him, and he attempted to combat it with every bit of denial he could find inside himself.
He knew the truth. He simply wasn't sure that he was prepared to face it.
"Permission to report to the captain," Beverly said, very formally and not entirely without some anger in her tone.
"Doctor Crusher," Jean-Luc said, hoping his voice sounded as strong and commanding as it should. Jean-Luc reminded himself to get things under control. He had to maintain decorum, and he already felt like eyes were upon him an uncomfortable way. "Forgive me. I meant to come and welcome you aboard, personally. I've simply been rather preoccupied."
She smiled at him. She raised her eyebrows slightly. He'd seen that expression a thousand times over the years that they'd known each other.
It was one of many of her expressions that made his whole body react.
At the moment, it struck something of a chord of fear in him.
"I understand," Beverly said. "The captain's life is very busy. That's why I decided to come to you. My son wasn't on the bridge, Captain. He merely accompanied me on the turbolift. And—as for my daughter—it's currently quite impossible for me to leave her behind."
"Son…"
"Wesley," Beverly said. "The last time you saw him was at least ten years ago."
"Of course…it's only that…it's been so long. When last I saw you…" Jean-Luc said, breaking off.
"Wesley was on Caldos, visiting my Nana. His great grandmother."
Jean-Luc could have sworn his face went slightly numb at his next thought. He might have asked the doctor to accompany him to sickbay, had she been any other doctor, and had her very presence not been the cause of his unease.
"Your daughter…" Jean-Luc said.
Beverly looked at him. He held eye contact with her. He knew, and she knew that he knew. She put on something of a reassuring smile.
"I suppose you could say that she was present the last time we saw each other," Beverly said.
"Could I—see you in my ready room, Doctor?" Jean-Luc asked.
"Wesley…" Beverly said, indicating that she was waiting for some sort of direction about how to handle her son's presence.
"Of course," Jean-Luc said. "Of course…the bridge. Wesley—would you…like a look around the bridge while I talk to your mother in private?"
Wesley practically ran out of the turbolift, eyes shining, at the proposal. Jean-Luc felt a certain catch in his chest. He could see, immediately, a touch of Beverly in the young teenager. He could see, as well, a touch of Jack.
"Commander Data will show you around," Jean-Luc said. "Don't touch anything. Mr. Worf…I'll be in my ready room."
Before he even heard an "Aye, Captain," regarding his orders, Jean-Luc had turned and was well on his way to his ready room. Beverly, he knew, followed behind him.
Once inside the room that, given time to finish unpacking and adding some personal touches, would practically become a second home to him, Jean-Luc felt they were finally far enough away from his crew to be able to speak freely. Clearly the same thing was on Beverly's mind.
"Permission to speak freely, Captain?" She asked. He heard something in her voice—a slight tremor that wasn't entirely unlike the one he'd heard before…several times before, really. The last time he'd heard it, though, it had been over a telecommunication screen, and he'd been telling her that it was best if they cut ties.
"Granted, of course," Jean-Luc said. "Beverly—am I to understand that…?"
He broke off, unable to find the words.
She smiled softly. He saw her throat bob as she swallowed, struggling against it like she was trying to swallow a mouthful of gagh.
"I wanted to tell you about her," Beverly said. "The last time we spoke. I had only just found out about her. I never got the chance, Jean-Luc, to tell you that…you had left a piece of yourself to keep me company that night."
"Then—she is mine?" Jean-Luc asked.
"Biologically," Beverly said. "I suppose the rest is up to you."
"What are you saying, Beverly?" Jean-Luc asked.
She laughed quietly.
"Was it really so veiled?" She teased. "Jean-Luc, I've been a single mother to Wesley since Jack died. I was a single mother before that, if we're being honest. Jack was hardly ever present in Wesley's life. I'm prepared to raise my daughter—our daughter—alone, if that's what I need to do. You have to decide the role you want to have in her life. That's up to you."
"And what of the role that I am to play in her mother's life?" Jean-Luc asked. His heart squeezed in his chest. His breathing felt shallow.
"Well—that's up to you, as well," Beverly said. "Though—I do recall your feelings on that from the last time we talked."
Jean-Luc found himself laughing. There was the slightest bit of teasing in her voice or, perhaps, it was only playful challenge.
"What if I were to say that I was a fool?" Jean-Luc asked. "A coward. What would you say to me, then?"
"I would say that Jean-Luc Picard is no fool, and he's no coward," Beverly said. "He is sometimes…difficult…complicated…but he's a good man."
"A man who was wrong," Jean-Luc said. "A man who has regretted…everything…since that day."
"Everything?" Beverly asked.
"You know how I feel about you."
"I thought I did, but I wasn't so sure after that communication," Beverly said.
"It wouldn't be fair to you to…"
"Jean-Luc," Beverly said, interrupting him. "Before you go any further, I have to ask you not to tell me what's fair to me or good for me. If you have something that you need to say—something about you—then I'm happy to hear it. But, please don't put this on me. As you can clearly see, I'm doing this…with or without you. Your daughter, should you care to know, is currently at twenty-two weeks of gestation, and she's strong and very healthy."
Jean-Luc understood and accepted what she was saying. He nodded his head.
"That's fair," he said. "And I deserve that. I only feel that, as a captain, I fear that I would be limited on how much time I could spend with you and with…with her. I worry that I wouldn't be able to give either of you as much of myself as I would like."
"The Enterprise is a family ship, Jean-Luc," Beverly said. "And that means for the captain, as well as for the crew. If you're interested in trying, that is."
Jean-Luc's heart thundered in his chest. He stepped toward her. He closed the gap between them, even though he still hardly trusted his knees to keep him upright at the moment.
He reached a hand out. He touched her cheek lightly. She smiled at him. Her eyes practically glittered. He was all too aware of the fact that, standing this close to her, her belly brushed against his own—the baby girl wasn't there the last time he was this close to Beverly. However, unbeknownst to him, she'd been there when he'd left.
Jean-Luc had regretted shutting her out of his life since the day he'd done so. Now, being so close to her, he ached for her.
"What if I fail, Beverly?" Jean-Luc asked.
"You won't," she said simply. "I won't let you."
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AN: For a long time, I've had something of a crackfic style goal to simply write a P/C pregnancy fic/babyfic/etc. for every episode of ST TNG.
I don't intend the stories to be super serious or profound (since nothing I write really goes that way). Some are sure to be pretty crackficcy (is that a word? It is now). I just want to do this for fun because I absolutely love P/C and I love babyfic! It's as simple as that. If you love those things, then I also invite you enjoy the stories with me!
I doubt the stories will be in order, and I will most certainly write many stories about certain episodes. (I've already written some, and there will be others, because some things I love so much that I have to write them over and over again. Don't judge, I'm just a neuro-spicy person who also eats the same thing over and over again. And I LOVE it! I'll do the same with fic!) Again, this is just for enjoyment, and just to see if I can do it! I'm sure it'll take a long time, since I will just be doing them every now and again to add to the fics I'm also writing for other entertainment.
At any rate, here's my first installment. I hope you enjoyed! If you did, please do let me know!