Chapter 1
Forgiveness is a funny thing. It's something that must be freely given and yet selfishly received. To ask for it, is to willingly unconcern yourself with the suffering you gave to another so that you, the torturer, may move forward past that suffering. Forgiveness isn't an apology. It isn't a promise. It isn't even a mutual understanding. It's good to look at it for what it is. A plea for forgetfulness.
So Fade never asked for it. She simply moved forever forward, letting the people hurt in her wake come to terms with their pain in due time. Afterall, life didn't care about anyone, so those that got hurt were just pieces of a larger puzzle they couldn't hope to grasp. The nightmare had taught Fade many things and this had been one of them.
Of course, that was how Fade had felt before joining the Valorant Protocol. Up until her recruitment, the blackmailer had been on the run. Searching for someone. Someone important. And in the process of finding that person, she'd happily tortured most of the Valorant agents in all their waking moments. It hadn't been personal. Fade promised herself never to involve emotion into things. The nightmare fed too easily on feelings.
No, the attack wasn't personal. It had been collateral at best. She thought they had her person. Her special, would save at all costs, person. That meant they were in her way.
All she had to do was get inside their heads and show them what they were all so afraid of and they never stood a chance. That was, at least, until Istanbul.
Fade would remember that day forever. Not only because it was the first time she was subdued, but also because she felt…surprised. Fear was something Fade knew well. It was like smelling something cooking in another room. But that day. In Istanbul. There was a different smell; taste.
A certain blue figure was oozing a fear Fade knew personally. It wasn't the bitter taste of betrayal. It wasn't the sweet scent of loss. It wasn't even a tangy piece of inadequacy.
It was the burnt, crumbly fear of yourself. Self loathing was not something Fade found very often. She'd met people who hated their lives or hated their bodies. She'd spoken with people who feared their worth to others or feared what the world saw them as. But these fears were all superficial. True self loathing came from a deep seed inside that hated what you are; what you are made of. And Fade saw herself in the nightmares of Neon.
Fade could barely restrain her own fear when she realized that, for the first time since becoming one with the nightmare, she wanted someone to forgive her. She wanted Neon to forgive her. At her recruitment ceremony, if it could even be called that, most of the agents had taken her apology and explanation well. Even some of the ones from the Istanbul fight. Everyone basically agreed to a truce.
Everyone, except for Neon. It was like the duelist was wearing an "I still hate you" t-shirt with how much her anger and fear stank up the room. It was the same burnt smell from before. Fade couldn't take her eyes off her. Even as Cypher complimented her accomplishments and Brimstone directed her to meet the other Initiators, Fade made sure to always return her gaze to the same angry, shiny blue ones.
Now, with a few months having passed, things felt as normal as they could considering her job. Fade still made an effort to keep to herself, but conversations with the other agents were a plethora compared to before. Neon though…she hadn't given an inch.
"What's with that girl?" Fade asked aloud, the question aimed towards her pet. Prowler, who was curled up on the foot of the bed, made no indication of hearing their owner say anything, "I mean honestly," the blackmailer continued, dog earring the book she was reading and frisbeeing it onto her desk, "It's been months since she helped catch me. I haven't done anything wrong since then."
Prowler's light snores made Fade spin in her desk chair, "Are you even listening to me you dumb cat?"
Stiffly, as if the action took much effort, Prowler picked its head up, drearily blinking its eyes, before twitching an irritated ear. The nightmare's voice filled Fade's mind as smooth as ever, "You worry too much about a fly on the wall."
"She isn't a fly. She's probably the strongest person in this fucking place and she refuses to speak with me."
Again, Prowler's ears twitched, "Your efforts are misplaced, Hazal. Neon poses no threat to us."
Fade couldn't stop the annoyed eye roll from taking over her face. The nightmare could barely be considered a good person to talk to about this. Let alone even be considered a person. Only Fade could hear them.
The blackmailer stood from her desk and stretched. The time on her nightstand read 2am. Which meant it was time for a coffee run. If she was lucky, Cypher or Killjoy would be up. They were the only ones Fade knew to be awake this early in the morning.
"Do you want to come with Prowler?" Fade asked, making her way to the door.
"We're always with you."
"It was a joke. You know what, never mind." Fade let the door shut behind her as she walked through the corridors leading to the cafeteria. Once the dream seer arrived, though, she was upset to see no one was there. Bummer. Guess she would have to ask for advice another time.
Fade made her way up to the kitchen counters and began brewing a pot of coffee. The familiar sound of the draining water into the pot made Fade hum in approval. Suddenly, something jumped onto the counter from the shadows.
"You drink this liquid to keep us away."
It wasn't really a question, so Fade ignored the prowler, even as it paced anxiously next to her. She took to picking at her fingernails and thinking about her next henna design. The silence stretched onward for several minutes, save for the brewing coffee pot. When the beep finally sounded, Fade quickly poured herself a large cup.
"Why do you hide from us?" The prowler asked, still pacing across the counter. In its wake, little black paw prints stained the granite before fading the next second. Fade turned to face her feline companion and reached out a hand to pet it.
"Do you know how often you ask me that question?" Fade asked, sipping her piping hot coffee.
"No," the prowler responded, choosing to sit instead of pace.
"You ask me at least once every few months."
"We forget?"
"I dunno," Fade conceded, "I thought maybe you'd like my answer to change."
"We would like that."
"I know, but I can't handle your power at 100% all the time. It's–."
Fade cut herself off at the familiar taste of fear in the air. Fade slowly turned to see Neon standing at the entrance of the cafeteria. Her hand was still flat against the door where she had pushed it open. She seemed conflicted on whether to come in or flee. Curious to see her at this time of night.
The dream seer offered a small smile, "Hello Neon."
The duelist flinched at the sound of her name and Fade felt her prowler growl hungrily from her side. To go with it, the nightmare itched at her skin.
After several moments of staring, Neon finally got enough courage to push past the door frame and into the room. With the kitchen being a nice 'L' shape, Neon kept to the far side, away from Fade, "Don't talk to me, pambihira."
Fade's smile fell but her gaze remained fixated on Neon moving about her part of the kitchen, "I take it that's not a cute nickname you made up just for me, is it?"
Neon scoffed and shut the fridge a bit harder than necessary, "No. It's not. Now mind your business. Or can you not help invading people's privacy?"
Beside Fade, the prowler once again growled in hunger at the sheer display of raw emotion. Her body felt on edge. It was like someone had tied a rope around her torso and was tugging urgently. What could she do?
Fade took a big gulp of coffee and set the mug down, "I did apologize for what happened before."
"Yeah well, I don't care. You're a villain and you'll always be one. That's how it goes. Now stop talking to me before I zap you," Neon said hotly, quickly throwing together some sort of breakfast sandwich.
"I'm trying to prove–," Fade started, but Neon slapped her hand onto the counter, echoing a loud wack throughout the cafeteria. Fade couldn't stop her eyes from widening.
On the granite countertop, Neon's arms held erratic jumping electricity and her hands fizzled. When the duelist's eyes finally looked up to meet Fade's, they glowed that angry blue again, "You can't change what you are."
Before Fade could stop herself the words fell out, "We are more alike than you think."
The words must have hit harder than Fade could even realize because the power left Neon in a blink and what replaced anger was pure, pitch black fear. Fade could taste it like salty ocean water. The nightmare started to bleed out of her arms in small wispy smoke clouds.
"We aren't…I'm just… I want…," Neon sputtered before turning away to retreat from the kitchen.
"Stop her," the nightmare commanded from beneath Fade's own rising fear. But she ignored it.
"Wait! Neon! I'm sorry!" Fade called, rushing to catch the duelist by the arm, "Please don't go."
"Fade don't!" But the warning came too late. The dream seer's hand had already wrapped around Neon's bicep and the shock that followed was unparalleled to the pain of a thousand nights in the nightmare. Fade swore she could feel her heart stop and everything went black.
When Fade's consciousness floated back the first time, she was both horrified and excited at the silence in her mind. She tried to call the nightmare a couple times, but no one ever answered.
The dream seer also remembered Sage's voice. The healer had tried multiple times to rouse Fade all the way awake, but nothing ever lifted the fog. Eventually the world disappeared again.
The second time Fade awoke was in agony. The healing process for fixing the electrical burns was a painful one. There was nothing to hear or see, as the only bombarding feeling was hot and cold laced up her right arm. She trembled in Sage's hands and Fade could do nothing but groan in pain. Another voice spoke before the blackness came again and it did nothing but whisper apologies.
The third time Fade's eyes opened, everything felt more…normal? The buzzing in her mind was back, which meant the nightmare had returned. That was somewhat comforting. That meant she wasn't dead.
The blackmailer tried to gather her thoughts. What had happened? Everything in the surroundings indicated she was in the medbay, but why? A soft snore snapped Fade's eyes away from the far wall to her other side. Neon, the last person on earth Fade assumed would be at her side, was snoring in a fairly large recliner. She looked peaceful. The crinkles that had stemmed from her angry blue eyes had smoothed over in sleep. Even the signature pigtails were down, cascading messily across her expressionless face.
Fade felt compelled to let her sleep, but something woke the duelist anyway. Like she had sensed Fade's eyes on her.
Neon mumbled a bit in sleepy afterthought before stretching her hands high. When her eyes, the normal brown ones for once, met Fade's heterochromic ones, she quickly sat up right, "Fade. You're awake."
The dream seer cleared her throat softly before answering, "Yeah, only for a few moments though."
"I should go get Sage," Neon started to move.
"Wait. Neon," Fade tried to move but she felt heavy, "Don't go…lütfen."
Neon stopped mid stride and once again, like at the cafeteria doors, fought with herself on whether to flee or not. Finally, Neon sat back down and avoided Fade's gaze, "Sage asked me to let her know when you woke up."
"What happened?" Fade asked, her memory still coming up empty.
"I…," Neon tried, before snapping her jaw shut again and clenching the muscles. Fade couldn't smell any fear. Even the anger was missing. Something was different.
"I remember our argument. In the kitchen," Fade prodded, wanting to encourage the duelist into talking.
"Yeah, we argued. I tried to leave cause I was fucking pissed."
"And?"
"You grabbed me."
"I grabbed you," Fade repeated, "I don't think I should've done that."
"No. You shouldn't have," Neon answered stiffly, still avoiding Fade's stare. Her hands fidgeted in her lap and her legs bounced rapidly. The dream seer couldn't taste it, but anxiety was clear in Neon's body language. It was pretty obvious what happened now. Fade had touched a very high strung body of pure electrical energy and got punished.
"It's not your fault," Fade tried quietly, "You had every right to leave."
"It's not–," Neon tried again, before stopping to take a deep breath. Finally the blue haired duelist met Fade's eyes, "I can't control it. The electrical power inside me. I try to pretend, but I just…can't stop when it comes out sometimes."
Fade slowly held her hand up and examined the healing that was done. Her arm looked normal enough. There were light white scars, they branched out how a storm would, but they wouldn't last. It was probably a miracle she was alive.
"You are lucky, Hazal. We saved you," her radiance spoke heavily in her mind, its words reverberating down to her chest like a purr. Like Fade, it also seemed exhausted.
The initiator sighed and let her hand fall back down to her lap, "I invaded your space. I crossed your boundary. It's got nothing to do with control."
"That's bullshit and you know it," Neon countered immediately, crossing her arms over her chest.
Fade's eyes were still so tired, even as they slid shut to rest, she didn't want the conversation to stop. This was the longest Neon had ever talked to her. No mission, lunch break, or training session were ever the right place to try and work this out. Progress with Neon had to be worth losing just a bit of sleep over.
With some renewed vigor, and by 'some' Fade knew it was only a few more minutes at most, she opened her eyes and turned to look at the girl that had almost killed her, "If you were really out of control, you would have zapped me the minute you saw me."
Neon turned away, a light laugh buried beneath a scoff, "Very true."
Fade felt a smile tug at her lips, even as the duelist avoided her gaze. Beneath the fear of herself, Fade had a hunch that Neon was something she'd never encountered before. Like not knowing what flavor of coffee is beneath the cream, and yet still wanting to sip it.
Unable to stop herself, Fade said, "I want to fix that."
There was a pregnant pause; a lull in the conversation. Several moments turned into a full minute before Neon stood and turned towards the door. Powerless to stop her this time, Fade watched her go, trying not to feel overcome with disappointment. At the cusp of exiting, Neon stopped, hand still gripping the door handle. Without turning around Neon did not comment on Fade's statement instead saying, "I'm going to get Sage now."
Then she was gone and Fade finally let her eyes close long enough for sleep to take her.