Okay, so this is sort of based on a prompt from Land of Myth, except I only had 3 words from the prompt, 2 of which were magic and stick. Hope you enjoy this crack piece!

Arthur shifted uncomfortably on the uneven ground. Next to him, the knights were doing the same.

"I can't feel my feet," Gwaine grumbled. "Merlin had better get a move on."

"You could just leave," said Percival idly.

Gwaine stared at him in disbelief. "Are you mad? There's no way I'm missing this!"

"Then stop complaining!" Arthur snapped. "We're all uncomfortable. Deal with it."

"But I can't wait anymore!" Gwaine wailed. "I'm on pins and needles!"

Leon winced. "So am I. Literally. I'm right under a pine tree."

Elyan snickered. Leon punched him in the shoulder. Hard.

Before Elyan could retaliate, Merlin burst into the clearing.

"I'm here!" he called, panting heavily. "Sorry I'm late. Were you all waiting long?"

"Well, actually—" Gwaine began.

Arthur quickly elbowed him in the ribs before he could finish.

"It's fine," he said hastily. "Don't worry about it. Did you bring it?"

Merlin beamed. "Yup."

The knights leaned forward, eyes wide, as, with a flourish, Merlin reached behind his back and pulled out the mythical object they'd been begging him to show them for months.

Gwaine frowned. "This is it?"

Merlin shrugged. "Well, yeah. You wanted to see it."

"But…but it's just a stick!"

"Yep!" said Merlin happily. "Isn't it something?"

Arthur tried very hard to find something diplomatic to say about the ordinary brown stick Merlin was waving around the circle. Thankfully Percival saved him.

"It's…erm…well…it's quite a stick," he said politely. "Where did you get it?"

"Well, now that you mention it, it's actually a pretty crazy story. See, I was—"

"Never mind that," Arthur interrupted. "Just tell us how it works."

Merlin stared at him. "Er, how it works?"

"Yes!" said Gwaine eagerly. "Does it grant wishes?"

Leon scoffed. "Don't be ridiculous, Gwaine. Obviously it tells the future. Right, Merlin?"

"Um, actually—"

Arthur shook his head. "That's stupid. It must be a weapon of some sort. Does it shoot fire? Or thunderbolts?"

"It doesn't do—"

Gwaine rolled his eyes. "Come on, princess. How would that make it a magic talking stick?"

"Maybe it talks when it shoots the thunderbolts!"

"That's even stupider than Leon's idea!"

"Hold on," Leon protested, slightly affronted. The other two ignored him.

"Never mind what Leon said! The point is, my idea makes perfect sense!"

"Yeah, to a blithering idiot, maybe!"

"Are you insinuating something, Gwaine?"

"If you need to ask, I think you've proven my point."

"What's THAT supposed to mean?"

"It means you're an idiot!"

"It was a rhetorical question! I know what it means!"

Gwaine smirked. "So you know you're an idiot, then."

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT AND YOU—"

"SHUT UP!" Merlin bellowed at last. "You're both idiots, alright? Now, will you two just listen?"

Arthur opened his mouth to protest, but Merlin glared at him so murderously, he thought better of it.

"Alright, then." said Merlin, looking relieved. "Here's how it works."

They leaned in closer, all arguments forgotten, as Merlin held up the stick.

"See, whenever I'm holding the talking stick, you guys can't talk. Only I can." He grinned. "Pretty clever, eh?"

The knights glanced at each other, puzzled. "I don't get it," said Elyan finally.

"What's not to get?"

Elyan hesitated. "Well…"

"Well what?" Merlin demanded, eyes flashing dangerously.

"I think what Elyan's getting at," said Percival cautiously, "is that we're a bit…er…confused."

Merlin huffed in annoyance. "I don't see why. It's perfectly simple."

"But we've been talking this whole time."

"I'd noticed," said Merlin dryly.

"Maybe it's broken," Gwaine said in a stage whisper.

"It is NOT broken!"

"Well then, why isn't it working?"

"BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL BEING RUDE!"

Arthur sighed. "Merlin, you're not making any sense. You told us all about this magic talking stick that can bring peace to the entire world, and then you come here with some stupid stick that doesn't do anything!"

"It's not supposed to do anything!" Merlin shouted. "It's symbolic! Whoever is holding the stick is the only one who's allowed to speak. Everyone else needs to be quiet and listen. It's an ingenious method of allowing all people to feel heard and respected!"

"So it doesn't talk?" Gwaine asked, crestfallen.

Merlin shook his head.

"It doesn't grant wishes?"

"Nope."

"Does it at least shoot firebolts?" Arthur asked hopefully.

Merlin rolled his eyes. "Of course not."

"Then what the hell did you tell us about it for?!" Arthur growled. "Why did you go on and on about this magic talking stick—"

"I never said it was magic!" Merlin protested. "I said 'talking stick', and you all just assumed—"

"—when all you had was some stupid twig you just picked up off the forest floor—"

"It's NOT a twig!" Merlin shouted angrily. "It's a stick! A talking stick! And my mother gave it to me, so don't you dare call it stupid, you arrogant—"

"—a STUPID twig that does absolutely NOTHING!"

"It does NOT do nothing! It does PLENTY!"

Arthur crossed his arms. "Prove it."

"Fine!"

Merlin took a breath to calm himself. He glanced at Arthur. "Tell me when you're ready."

"Now would be fine."

"Alright then."

The knights leaned forward yet again, hardly breathing, as Merlin raised the stick over his head, and then, with a quick but graceful flourish, brought it down onto Arthur's head. Hard.

"OUCH!"

But Merlin was already storming back off into the woods and towards the castle.

Arthur glared at his slowly receding back, gingerly rubbing the top of his head, where an egg-shaped lump was already forming.

"Tough luck, princess," Gwaine mock-sympathized, not even attempting to conceal the wide smirk on his face. "But it was really your fault, you know."

"How the hell was it my fault?"

"You should've waited your turn for the talking stick."