(Sabine Wren POV)
"I'm counting on you—."
Purgill descend from the skies of Lothal from all directions, wreaking havoc on Thrawn's fleet.
"Ezra! Ezra!"
His familiar laugh floats into my ears. "Pretty good huh?"
Oh, don't go showing off now...
"—get this done"
"Ezra, PLEASE get out of there!" I practically beg him.
"I can't do that."
"It's up to all of you now. And remember, the Force will be with you, always."
"Ezra!"
"Ezra!"
I jackknife up out of bed, causing the Loth-Cat to start scrambling around and hissing in the dark. "No no, it's okay, I…"
She leaps up onto my bed protectively, slinks beside me, and hisses out into the darkness as I get caught in the middle and end up stroking her behind her ears.
"I…I'm sorry. I did it again." I mumble to nobody.
Neiya seems to respond, but I know she doesn't understand me.
Nice to have a stand-in for a conversation partner though.
And she's seen me…well…
It's been a rough bit of time since Ahsoka dumped me here.
Well…she asked me if I wanted to go back to the New Republic and Hera.
But after I pled my case forever ago, using every string Hera and Leia could pull with Mon Mothma and it got shot down…
I'm out on the New Republic.
Not Hera. I need to call her soon. I want to talk to Jacen.
Now Ahsoka would say I'm deflecting.
I don't think I am, but…
The familiar hum of Ezra's tower helps calm me before I let out a heavy sigh.
I asked her to train me to be a Jedi, like Kanan did.
And I was honest. I was doing it so I could one day find Ezra.
She seemed all in on that goal too.
Then…one day during saber training she just stopped, saying she felt an attachment she could ignore no longer.
She knew I was doing it for Ezra.
Calling me out on the attachment is hypocritical now.
And! As Imperial documents are sifted through and declassified by the millions, we're learning all sorts of things! Like how some Jedi could have attachments!
There was one, he was a topic on the HoloNet for a week after the expose. A Jedi with five separate wives!
It made sense, his species was way out of whack math wise and he needed to have children.
But…THERE ARE WAYS!
It can work the other way too. Look at Hera and Kanan!
Look…at Hera and Kanan.
A rogue tear slips out of my eye and I quickly wipe it, only to sniffle.
Haar'chak!
Yeah. He ultimately did the ultimate Jedi and second most noble thing ever and it ended tragically but!
…
"I can't do that"
But he cushioned that with his secret message.
"More than anybody…I need you to understand."
YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT EZRA!
In spite of myself, I hear myself laugh which gets Keiya to mew happily.
…She's not coming back. It's not gonna hurt.
And I…
I need to hear his voice.
The Security Lights shine a resolute green before the breeze continues drifting in through the open door as Neiya seems to know I'm getting up and moves before I roll out of bed, feet hitting the cool floor of the tower. Leading me right where I'm going, she leaps onto the table and rounds towards the door as I crouch down and grab the box and pick the recording off the top, shifted to the right from the last time I put the box away underneath the desk last.
Why'd I add the emitter mod…
Snatching up Ezra's lightsaber too, I flip it around and look at the emitter.
It's so much bulkier than the rest of it…
Clearly the work of my clumsy Jedi handiwork instead of an actual talent, nay prodigy like Ezra.
From nothing to…everything in less than five years. More time's passed now than—
Neiya mews out a warning that I'm about to walk into something before I turn and perch on the corner of my bed, set the recording down and click for it to play again.
The device clicks white like it always does when it restarts, then begins again.
Scared me to death the first time I did it. Thought I wiped it and lost it forever…
"Hey Sabine!" Ezra immediately pops up, with his awkward smile before adding his little wave.
"Hey…"
"—I'm sorry for disappearing on you."
Yeah…you'd better be.
"I made this recording because more than the others…I need you to understand."
No—NO!
"No!" I reach over and stop the recording. "You owe me an explanation, Ezra Bridger!"
All of us!
Nobody knew this was a part of your plan!
Stronger than I intend to, I start Ezra's recording again.
"As a Jedi, sometimes you have to make the decision nobody else can. So…that's what I did to defeat Thrawn."
Stop.
I know…
You learned it from Kanan.
But he…TOLD Hera in the moment. More than.
He showed her.
I…accept that you had to do that in order for us to defeat Thrawn. He was going to win every other way.
I've run more simulations than the New Republic's wanted me to, and Ahsoka's listened to Rex and Hera and Ryder and my own stories and the official report and—
Ezra saved everyone that day. Including my own life, for the eighth time.
Play.
"We've been through a lot. Grew up together, in this Rebellion. And, we're not really family—"
For the first time in the entire holo, he breaks eye contact and rubs the back of his neck.
Like he did when he broke something in the kitchen on accident before anxiously looking at Hera and Kanan.
"—but you're like a sister to me." The words stop just before the projector is knocked to the ground as I lash out to stop it.
"Oh dammit…"
That's his way of telling me that he…
…
We never stopped and talked about all that. Never was the time, especially after Kanan.
He's saying it as a half-measure. To make sure that I know that he'll never forget about me.
I'll never forget about Tristan, even though it's been years since the whole family went to ground after the Empire bombed Mandalore.
A fraction of that was likely in response to my role…here.
Mandalore turned to glass. Destroyed, utterly, from all accounts.
I ignore more hot tears as they stream down my face.
It's okay to cry for Mandalore. It…
We all did our best. I gave the Darksaber to the person I believed most capable of leading our people.
And after Ezra's sacrifice, I stayed here as the Galactic Civil War broke out, and everything that's come after that.
Ezra's counting on me to— wait…
Neiya mews after me as I pick the projector back up, Ezra rematerializing in my hands after being projected down into the side of the table for a minute.
…
He's cuter than I wanted to admit.
After Malachor when he cut his hair and finally had his growth spurt, he got the attention of a lot of personnel on Atollan and Yavin.
Never cared. I'm not even sure he even noticed.
As soon as I hit play, Ezra greets me with resumed eye contact, a smile, and his laugh. "I know your fight isn't over. And now I won't be there to help you."
Yeah…
"But I'm counting on you to see this through." Ezra says, then nods. "May the Force be with you."
The holo audibly stops playing, indicating the end of the recording. Ezra's still remains though.
…
In my hands.
He's counting on me to see Lothal's reconstruction through.
And that's what I've been doing these few months since Ahsoka abandoned me.
Governor Azadi helped me from the moment I landed. Couldn't have done half of what I've been able to without him.
He says progress has picked up because I came back. Reminds the people of Lothal that we didn't forget about Lothal without Ezra.
Never.
I mean…we may have gone our separate ways during the War, then fully split after. But never forget.
Forgetting means that you think he's dead.
He's not dead. I know he's not dead.
Hu-Yang can jab and barb me for my lack of Force Sensitivity, but Ahsoka has always reinforced what Kanan said:
Everyone can connect with the Force, it's about being open to it.
I…
The few times Ahsoka helped me really meditate, clear my mind?
I feel Ezra, out there…somewhere.
Ahsoka actually really helped me with the meditation thing. Work through some of the Mandalorian trauma.
A little. To the point that I could start to meditate easier before—
Nope. We're done.
Where do you want to go? Can't stay here.
My eyes fall back onto Ezra's still, which is still in my hands here as I sit on the floor.
C'mon Sabine…get up!
I can't be in full sad-girl mode.
That meeting I've been pushing off with Lothal's Galactic Senator Representative Jai Kell isn't for another couple of days.
Ryder told me that he knew Ezra personally. And I went back and checked, he was at the Academy Ezra infiltrated.
Amnesty Program or not…
…
I can let it out tonight. Then pick myself back up and be ready for that meeting with the Senator at the end of the week.
Getting up off the floor, I hang onto Ezra's message and grab his lightsaber before Neiya leads me outside.
I'm sure Master Ahsoka would also scold me for bottling up my feelings and not expressing how I feel.
Even though feeling is the problem apparently…
I don't see how it's the problem! People fight harder for the things and people they care about! I know I certainly do, we did as a crew!
As a family.
Hera and Kanan found all of us. Zeb, me, Ezra. We found each other in the others and were stronger FOR THAT!
I'm sure countless other rebel cells tried and failed to go by the book of Ahsoka and Jedi and the past and tried and failed.
We added as we went after Ezra too! We met Ahsoka afterward, and after we thought Ahsoka died Rex was as much a part of us as Zeb or Kallus or Chopper or anyone.
A group of people who found a family in each other.
And…
I'm sure when Hera first met Kanan, she didn't know how she would feel about him one day.
I didn't either. I mean, I…
Rounding the corner of Ezra's tower, the Capitol City's skyline gleams against the pitch darkness of the harbor beyond and the night sky.
Lothal's quietly a great astronomical locale apparently. Tourists fly in during the day to gaze at night, mainly in the Southern hemisphere.
Setting Ezra up on one of the crates, I turn his lightsaber over in my hands.
I miss you.
It's perfectly fine to miss him. After how long I knew him, all we went through together over the years.
Again, Hera and Kanan didn't know how they felt about each other at first.
Kanan probably turned the charm on Hera like Ezra tried with me.
But Ezra was a kid then and barely anything to look at.
Hera and Kanan, together built the Spectres, our family out of nothing.
Who says that Ezra and I can't do the exact same thing if we wanted to?!
The old Jedi way CLEARLY didn't work. I mean, they got spread out over the course of an entire war and then slaughtered in one fell swoop by their own men.
And like I said before! The dirty laundry! The lies, secrets buried long ago, exceptions to their hallowed and holy rules.
Hypocrisy…so much of it.
The Jedi of old lost their way.
…
There's an old Mandalorian proverb about how things destroyed from the outside can be rebuilt. But if something is destroyed from the inside…
Like what's come to light about Darth Vader…
Trying to rebuild the old Jedi Order probably isn't the best idea. I know Skywalker, the Hero of…everything is apparently trying to rebuild the Jedi Order.
Hera sent me some briefs she thought were important to me. I kind of looked at them.
When I joined up with Ahsoka I thought I might meet him, since she's so gung-ho about rebuilding too.
It'd be amazing to see another Jedi. Especially all these years after Kanan and Ezra.
My fingers find the switch, and Ezra's lightsaber hums to life, causing Neiya to jump back and hiss. The green blade, however, is a beacon in pitch black.
…
He did what he did…for all this.
Not for the New Jedi Order. Not for the New Republic.
Ezra did all this for Lothal.
And now he's counting on me to see this through. And I will. If for nothing else than for the memory of him.
But he's not dead.
And he CLEARLY still cares about me! He made that whole message for me.
Just for me!
The most thoughtful, considerate, precious thing he could have done.
After my heart was really in shreds.
After the last thing he said to me was basically "No."
And it hit me in my stomach. I knew, in that moment.
Right before the Purgill began to glow.
…
He left it in my bunk. He wanted to make sure I couldn't possibly miss it.
The memory of me, on the floor of the Ghost hit as much as the wind continues going around Ezra's tower.
I don't know how long I laid there sobbing before Rex finally heard me.
"Sabine? Sabine! What's wrong?!"
I can't stop my anguish and just keep crying before feeling Rex grab onto me.
"Sabine! What's—" he stops as I cling on to him and keep on crying.
He saw it.
The holo on my pillow.
I know he's still alive.
I know planetary satellite footage shows Purgill tentacles breaching the bridge of the Chimaera and grabbing onto something inside before they all jumped.
Ezra probably was exposed, even for a minute, to the vacuum of space with no protection.
The New Republic cited all this when they decided against devoting resources to finding out where Ezra and Thrawn really went.
Not even the military threat angle worked on them.
If they want to ignore Thrawn, then good luck to you.
I just won't have any part of it.
I have a job here.
And he's not dead.
Ahsoka can call it an attachment all she wants. I'm a Mandalorian, not a Jedi. I asked Ahsoka to train me like Kanan trained me with the Darksaber.
I turn off Ezra's lightsaber at the thought of Ahsoka's rejection, and her vague words about attachment.
How can I not be attached to Ezra? If not just for what he did for me! For us, for everyone!
He's a hero!
Ezra did what he did for Lothal, and now I am going to give him what he wanted, and what he deserves.
What he fought for and sacrificed everything for. We all did, so much.
He deserves somebody who didn't forget about him and what he wanted. When it feels like so much of the galaxy has done exactly that, and moved right on.
Lothal's…well…Lothal. A lot of potential, but a lot of work ahead.
Once all that work's done he's going to see it, love it, and be free to do whatever he wants to do with his life.
He deserves to do whatever it is that makes him happy. I want that for him.
Maybe he wants to still do the Jedi thing. Then yeah, Ahsoka's right.
But I can still be right there beside him. Just like I was on Lothal.
…
…
But maybe after all this, he thinks he's done enough.
He exiled himself to who knows where to save his planet.
I think that's a Jedi enough act for one lifetime. He deserves…more than the cold, distant life of a Jedi.
…
…
We can do what Hera and Kanan did. Low-stress supply runs to pay the bills. Make up for lost time. We can bring along Jacen, do anything.
We can do anything.
Having Hero Ezra Bridger back would move mountains I don't think even he knows are possible.
He's never known how truly strong he is.
I guess I didn't either. That's why I'm here in the middle of the night crying about it instead of holding him close and going back to sleep.
I let myself sniffle loudly, then wipe away the tears that have been falling from both of my eyes for a while now.
I miss you Ezra…
"Is the Force with me now?!" I snap at Ezra's still, which is right where I left it.
I—Sabine—
"Sorry…Ezra."
I know he forgives me. He left the message to comfort me.
After he had to leave me after learning from Kanan that sometimes you have to make the decision nobody else can.
Before I can stop myself, I've rewound the entire thing and it's playing again.
'to defeat Thrawn'…we didn't even know Purgill were part of the plan.
Did you even know where you're going? Or was the answer just: Not here?
"Probably not…" I chuckle to myself, my voice coming out a little weak.
Huut'unla.
…
I hope you're okay. Wherever you are Ezra.
If nothing else I hope you're okay.
But I think that you saying 'sister' is a half measure.
I know you had a crush on me. Tried multiple times to get me alone, try something goofy and innocent.
There's love there somewhere. Even if deep down.
I'm not afraid to dig down. Just more work, that's why I'm here.
And when I see you again, and I WILL see you again…I'll tell you. Exactly how I feel, which I doubt is going to change from how I feel right now.
I don't know when it started. After the Second Sister and Fifth Brother had us trapped and he got us out of it for sure.
There was never any real time then but even if I have to go fly out and go get you myself, Ezra.
I will tell you.
…
…
I don't know how long I'm outside, long enough to start getting cold and remembering that I'm outside in the middle of the night in nothing but an old shirt of Ezra's for pajamas.
Still smells like him. I don't know for how long.
I'm trying not to have a scent sample sent off so I can replicate it. There are clothes and other stuff that I haven't unpacked yet.
That'd be…no.
But after I lock the door behind me and Neiya follows right behind, I set Ezra's message within eyesight and bury myself in his shirt.
Tonight I just miss you.
(A/N: I wanted to see her state of mind. Canon or not, there are stories to tell. Sorry For all the ellipses.)