Scott opened the door to the nondescript building and entered the dark space. He couldn't believe he had finally gotten up the nerve to come in here. Throughout his years of undergrad and med school, he'd kept tight control over his desires. He couldn't afford the distraction, not if he wanted to achieve what no one in his family ever had.
He'd finally managed to push through and had started his residency at Rampart. Doctor Brackett was a tough taskmaster, to be sure, but he was learning as much through him as he had learned through his years of study. This was the more challenging part for him, dealing with the people end of it, but as Doctor Brackett would often remind him, it was important. Not only dealing with the patients, whom he was often meeting on their worst day, but all the other medical personnel that came through on a regular basis, from the orderlies to the ambulance attendants and paramedics to the nurses and nurses' aides.
But now he had a rare night off, and the time seemed right to let some of that tight control unravel. Scott had moved to this neighborhood in West Hollywood not long before starting his residency, attracted by the cheap rent. It was only later he realized exactly what kind of neighborhood he'd moved into.
It was something of a relief, really. Maybe now he could finally be a little more open about who he was. Not that open, of course. He still had to keep things private at work. But here, in this neighborhood full of people just like him, he could breathe a little, maybe even get a little action if he wanted.
Although to be honest, he wasn't quite sure what that action would look like.
He took a seat at the bar, taking a few moments to observe the scene. The loud disco music seemed to overtake everything, the beat vibrating through Scott's chest, and yet, he could still make out animated conversations going on all around him. He observed the casual way these men had with each other, the way they would touch each other so intimately, teasing each other, nuzzling each other, even kissing each other.
Scott wasn't sure he'd be able to handle such intimacy, even as he deeply longed for it. He wouldn't even know where to begin.
The bartender finally noticed him, flashing a dazzling smile. "Hi, honey. What can I get for you?"
"Uh…" Scott couldn't even recall what he liked to drink; it had been so long since his last night out. "Rum and Coke?"
"Coming right up."
The bartender soon returned with his drink. "You want to start a tab?"
"Sure." Scott replied. "Stadler?"
"You got it."
Scott picked up his drink and took a sip. This was good enough, just sitting at the bar, having a drink to unwind, and watching the action around him.
He was deep in thought when someone suddenly plopped down on the bar stool next to him, bumping him slightly and spilling a little of his drink. "Dammit." He huffed as he wiped at the spot on his shirt with a flimsy napkin.
"Oh, sorry." The other man responded. "Didn't see you there."
"Obviously." Scott muttered.
The other man fixed him with a look Scott couldn't quite decipher. "Now look, I said I was sorry. Let me make it up to you. I'll get your next drink."
"That's not necessary, thanks." Scott answered, slightly chastened. The place was crowded and dark, and Scott mostly blended in. It wasn't the other man's fault that he hadn't seen Scott.
"Suit yourself." The other man turned toward the bar, flagging down the bartender.
It was only then that it dawned on Scott that the other man looked awfully familiar, though he couldn't quite place him. The voice sounded familiar, too. He was obviously comfortable here, making conversation with the bartender and whoever else happened to come up to the bar, engaging in the same casually intimate touch that seemed to come with the territory here. A squeeze of a shoulder here, a light graze of fingers up a spine there, a hand resting on someone's lower back while he leaned in to say something.
God, to be so easy and comfortable. Scott couldn't imagine such a thing. To be honest, he was a little jealous of this man's seeming ability to be so friendly with everyone he met.
The bartender returned with the man's drink, and he turned his attention back to Scott. "You look familiar. Have we met somewhere before?"
"I don't think so." Scott replied, even as he was becoming less and less sure that was the case. "And does that line work on anyone?"
The man smiled and let out a short laugh. "More often than you'd think."
His face lit up in sudden recognition. "Now I know why you look so familiar. You're at Rampart, right? One of the, uh, interns?"
"Residents, but yes." Something in Scott clutched at the thought of being recognized. He couldn't afford to be outed.
"Don't take this the wrong way, but you're all the same to me." The other man shrugged casually. "Except for Dix, of course. Brackett might technically be in charge, but Dix is the real boss."
Now Scott was really racking his brain. "I'm sorry, are you at Rampart, too?"
"Sort of." The other man answered. "I'm a county paramedic, so I'm in and out of there all through my shift."
It finally clicked. Scott had seen him before. He just hadn't recognized him out of uniform. He still couldn't come up with the man's name. "Don't take this the wrong way, but you're all the same to me. The uniform, you know."
The other man smiled a little and nodded. "Guess I kinda deserved that. John Gage."
John extended his hand and Scott took it. "Scott Stadler. Doctor Scott Stadler, I guess I should say."
"Okay if I call you Scott here?"
"Of course." Scott replied with a short laugh, finishing his drink and setting the glass on the bar.
This didn't escape John's notice. "You want another one?"
"Not right now." After all, he should maintain some control in this environment.
John shrugged a little and finished his own drink. "Think I'll head back out to the dance floor. You coming?"
Scott took in a deep breath and exhaled. Sitting on a stool and observing was one thing but being out there in the middle of the crowded dance floor, surrounded by all those bodies with the possibility of getting very up close and personal with one man in particular was quite another.
But then again, his whole reasoning for being here was to let loose a little.
Finally, he nodded. "Sure."
John's face seemed to light up a little as he offered a hand to Scott, all but dragging him out into the middle of the throng. Scott didn't really dance, so to say that he felt extraordinarily awkward was an understatement.
John slid a hand to rest on Scott's lower back, pulling him in closer. "Relax."
Scott was trying, he really was. But it felt damn near impossible. "Sorry, I don't get out much."
"First time here?"
"First time anywhere like this." Scott suddenly blurted out.
"Well, we'll have to make sure you have a good time so it's not your last." John responded quietly, somehow managing to pull Scott in even closer, their bodies pressed so tightly together that it nearly had Scott on the verge of panic.
"I'm sorry, I can't do this." Scott pulled away, pushing his way through the crowd and out the door, closing his eyes and taking in lungfuls of the night air.
He wasn't sure how long he had been outside when he heard the door open and close behind him, and he heard a sigh next to him.
Scott was absolutely mortified. "John, I'm sorry."
"Don't be." John almost immediately cut him off. "I get it. It's hard, you know? First you realize that you're, you know, the way you are. Then you think you're alone. Then you find out there are other people like you, that there are places for people like you. But then that's scary too, right? You don't know how any of this works and it's just…hard. It's hard."
Scott turned his head to look at John. "Are we still talking about me, or are we talking about you?"
John shrugged. "Maybe both."
They stood quietly outside for a long moment, and Scott could hear the music inside, hear everyone else clearly having a great time. "I don't know what the hell I was thinking, coming here."
"I'll tell you what." John suggested. "Let's go back in. I'll buy you a drink, and we'll find a nice, quiet corner to hide out in. No pressure."
"That…I think I can do." Scott answered, feeling himself relax for the first time since he'd arrived.
"Good, good." John seemed to brighten at that.
The two men entered the bar, stopping by for a couple of drinks before John guided Scott toward the back of the bar. As John had said, it was quieter back here, with a few men gathered together on the couches that were scattered around the space.
"Better?" John asked when they had settled in with their drinks.
Scott nodded. "Much better."
The conversation flowed a lot easier after that, and Scott barely noticed as other men came in and out of the room, wholly focused on the attractive man in front of him. And damned if he wasn't becoming more attractive by the moment. It wasn't just his physical appearance. It was his easy smile, his curious mind, his animated speech and the expansive gestures that went with it.
It was no wonder, then, that Scott found himself moving closer and closer to John, aware of John's arm extending along the back of the couch behind him, aware of John's hand sliding up his thigh. It wouldn't take much for Scott to just lean in and take that next step, to let go of some of that control that had defined so much of his life these last few years.
"John?"
"Hmm?"
"I think I want to kiss you."
John let out a soft laugh. "Well, I'm not gonna stop you."
"No, it's just that…well, I've never done that before." Scott started to explain. "I mean I haven't kissed a guy before."
"Is that all?" John looked greatly amused. "That's nothing. Not much different from kissing a girl."
"And you'd know that how?"
"Experience?" John looked puzzled. "How else would I know?"
"I don't know." Scott was more than a little embarrassed. "I guess I just assumed, well, some things."
"My secret's out, I guess." John shrugged. "Yeah, I like women. That part's not the secret. Me liking guys…well, actually, that's not much of a secret either. More like a rumor I haven't bothered to confirm one way or the other."
Scott had more questions about John than answers. "That doesn't make any sense."
"No, I suppose it doesn't." John seemed to take it all in stride. "Were you still gonna kiss me or what?"
Scott's heart was thudding, and he leaned in, briefly brushing his lips against John's before pulling back. It had been fine. The world hadn't ended, he was still well in control of himself.
"Hmm." John tilted his head, looking thoughtful.
"What?"
"Oh, nothing." John replied casually. "Just seems to me you need some practice."
Before Scott could respond, John leaned in, capturing Scott's mouth full on, stroking his cheekbone with his thumb, all while his tongue slipped in, turning what should have been a simple kiss into something tender and fierce and deeply intimate all at once.
Something inside Scott unlocked, and all he could do was surrender to this feeling, following John's lead and pushing back with the same fierceness. He was coming absolutely unraveled and for once, he wanted to simply let it happen, consequences be damned.
Scott completely lost himself in John's kisses and touches, barely aware of anything else going on around him. It was only when John pulled away that he found himself returning to some sense of reality.
Good God, was he really making out with a man out here in public?
John seemed to be studying him, and Scott realized that he'd said something. "Sorry, what?"
John merely smiled a little. "I said, do you want to take this somewhere else? Seems like you're, uh, really into it."
Scott was actually considering this. He'd already gone this far, might as well go all the way, he figured. "I don't live that far from here. Just a few blocks."
John seemed to think about it for a moment before nodding. "Ready whenever you are."
Scott wasn't all that sure he was ready, but John's kisses already had him set ablaze. He could only imagine what was to come.
# # #
The two men walked the few blocks to Scott's apartment, John keeping up a steady stream of chatter the whole way. Scott found it oddly calming, if only because it gave him something to concentrate on other than his rising sense of panic.
Or maybe it was excitement and anticipation. Scott couldn't tell.
Scott let them into the apartment, turning on the floor lamp near the door. "It's not much. And I'm at Rampart more than I'm here, so, you know, I'm not doing a great job keeping it up."
"Didn't notice." John replied quietly. "And I'm damn sure not here to criticize."
With that John stepped toward him, picking up right where they had left off, only this time John tugged at Scott's shirt, his hands sliding up Scott's back, slightly rough on his bare skin.
"Oh my God." Scott blurted out.
John pulled back a little. "Are you okay?"
"Fine." Scott managed to get out. "I just…I don't know what I was expecting. I've never done this before."
"All right." John answered with a nod, his hands still resting on Scott's back. "If we're going too fast, let me know. We'll hit the brakes."
Scott couldn't imagine wanting to stop now. "Okay."
He tentatively tugged at John's shirt, pulling it loose and sliding his own hands under it, finding smooth skin underneath. John was slender, but obviously strong, a side effect of his work, Scott supposed. Whatever the reason, Scott reveled in the sensation, and from the murmurs and soft gasps John was emitting, he didn't seem to mind much, either.
"Which way's the bedroom?" John asked roughly.
"Not far." Scott replied, guiding them both toward the bedroom, where he found himself landing on the bed with John straddling him, working at the buttons on Scott's shirt. It wasn't long before his shirt was wide open, John bending over him to start a trail of kisses up his stomach to his chest, taking a detour to close his mouth over one nipple, flicking at it with his tongue.
"Ah, damn." That one move evoked a sharp gasp from Scott, and he clutched the back of John's head.
"You like that?" John murmured but didn't stop entirely.
"Yes." Scott managed to get out.
John moved to the other one, this time his tongue working in slow circles. That was a different sensation entirely, but no less of a turn on. Scott slid his hands up the back of John's shirt, not wanting to do anything to slow John down, but still wanting to touch him.
"Hold on." John told him, pulling back and starting to unbutton his shirt from the bottom while Scott watched. "Damn thing's in the way."
Once he tossed it aside, he leaned back over Scott. "Where were we?"
"Right about…here? Scott ran his hands up John's chest, lightly stroking his nipples with his thumbs. He could hear John's breath catch at the move.
"Pretty good place." John replied roughly, shifting so that one leg was between both of Scott's, one hand traveling over Scott's body as he once again captured Scott's mouth in one of those lingering, deeply intimate kisses.
It was all too much, and yet somehow not enough. Scott barely knew what to do with himself, doing his best to follow John's lead, but finding it nearly impossible to keep up. John's hand was on the move again, right between Scott's legs, catching Scott completely off-guard.
He wasn't at all sure he wanted John to keep going, but he wasn't sure he wanted John to stop, either.
John's hand stroked more firmly against Scott's already hard flesh, and Scott instinctively arched into his touch. God, this felt good, and Scott found himself giving in completely to the sensation, all pretense of maintaining any sense of control gone.
Scott could feel John's own flesh pressing against him, and he shifted a little so that he could get a hand between John's legs. His reaction was immediate, a sharp gasp, a rough sigh into Scott's mouth.
He paused for a moment, unsure how to proceed. It wasn't that Scott didn't know what to do, of course. He knew his own body well enough to know what felt good to him. But he had never done this to another man, and he had no idea whether John would like the same thing.
"You don't have to stop." John's rough voice pulled Scott out of his thoughts. "Unless you want to."
"I don't." Scott answered fiercely.
John let out a soft laugh at that, and Scott could feel him start to work at his belt buckle, but not getting anywhere with it. "Dammit. You're gonna have to help me out here."
Scott easily undid his buckle and managed to get his pants down, using his feet to kick them off the rest of the way, while John did the same. John seemed to be having a more difficult time, grumbling something Scott couldn't quite make out until he was finally free and returned to lay next to Scott, one leg thrown over his.
"That's better." John murmured as he kissed Scott hard, taking hold of him and curling his fingers around his flesh, stroking the tip with his thumb.
Scott inhaled sharply, spreading his hand out on John's chest before letting it slide downward, pausing for a moment with his hand on John's hip.
"Don't stop there." John moved Scott's hand so that it touched his hard flesh, and Scott took it in his hand, slowly stroking up and down along its length.
"Ah, damn." John murmured roughly into Scott's mouth, his fingers threading through Scott's hair. "That's good, that's good."
Scott could feel his own desire building with every stroke, and he broke away, all but burying his face in John's shoulder, his other hand around the back of John's neck. It was all he could do to concentrate on what he was doing while John continued to work at him, the sensation building and building until Scott could no longer hold back, the sticky warmth shooting between them.
John wasn't far behind, letting go with a rough sigh as he relaxed against Scott, his hand lightly resting on the back of Scott's neck. It took a moment for Scott to come back to reality, and he was somewhat mortified at what had transpired. "Oh, God."
"You okay?" John sounded concerned.
"Um, yes." Scott answered carefully. "It's just…God, what a mess."
John laughed softly at that. "It happens. You've got towels, right?"
"Right, of course." Scott was starting to think a little more logically now. "Bathroom."
John kissed him quickly before climbing over him. "Got it. Be right back. Don't go anywhere."
Scott couldn't help laughing at that. It was his place. Where was he going to go?
He moved to sit up, leaning against the headboard. The whole night had been frightening and exhausting and wonderful, and it had felt remarkably good to finally let go and give in to his desires.
Soon John returned, appearing to have already cleaned himself up, and he climbed up on the bed, straddling Scott and wiping him off with the warm, wet washcloth.
"Give me your hand." John told him, and Scott easily complied, observing as John took great care in cleaning off every bit of his hand, his touch as gentle and intimate as it had been during the entire act prior.
John finished cleaning him up, taking Scott's hand and pressing a gentle kiss in the palm before squeezing it and letting it go. He set the washcloth aside and leaned in, kissing Scott lightly.
Scott ran his hands up John's stomach to his chest, letting his hands rest there for a long moment. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to do now. He didn't want John to go, but if John didn't want to stay, Scott wasn't going to force the issue.
John was studying him, a half-smile crossing his face as he tilted his head. "Something on your mind?"
Scott took a deep breath and exhaled. There was so much going through his head right now that he wasn't sure he'd be able to get it all out. "This was…I don't know if I can describe it."
"Couldn't have been all bad." John observed. "You haven't kicked me out yet."
"I don't think I want to." Scott replied softly. "But if you have to go…"
"If you want me to stay, I will." John told him. "Otherwise, I'll go."
"I mean, I don't want you to end up with your car getting towed or something."
John shrugged at that. "I'll probably just end up with a parking ticket. Pretty small price to pay if you ask me."
Scott debated with himself for a long moment before he finally came to a decision. "In that case…I would very much like it if you stayed."
That half-smile grew into a full smile as John leaned down and kissed him. "You've got it. Maybe we can see what else you might be into."
Scott liked the sound of that very much.
# # #
Scott was back at Rampart a couple days later, the whole encounter with John running in the back of his mind. They'd finally had to go their separate ways, reality intruding, but they had exchanged phone numbers, and Scott was very much looking forward to possibly getting together with John again.
He'd been mostly mum on the subject of how he'd spent his time off, easily deflecting any conversation by turning it on the asker. For now, at least, he would keep this to himself. He still didn't feel entirely safe talking about this. If things developed further with John, well, that was a bridge he'd cross when he got to it, he supposed.
In the meantime, the emergency room was keeping him plenty busy, though he would always turn his head at the sight of a blue paramedic uniform. He was almost always disappointed when it wasn't John. He hadn't been kidding when he'd told John all these guys in uniform looked alike.
Before long the bay doors banged open once again, and a gurney came flying around the corner, with John trotting alongside holding up an IV bag.
"Treatment room four." Dixie instructed, and Scott met up with Doctor Brackett to follow the gurney into the treatment room.
Scott and John ended up facing each other across the gurney, their eyes meeting as they moved the patient from the gurney to the table. John smiled ever so briefly just before turning to Doctor Brackett. "You need anything else, Brackett?" John asked.
"All set." Doctor Brackett replied with a firm nod. "Thanks, Johnny."
John nodded in response and rounded the end of the table, lightly grasping Scott's shoulder as he did so. "See you around." He murmured quietly.
John was gone before Scott could respond, and he could almost feel the imprint of John's hand on his shoulder.
Yes, he was absolutely going to call John again when he had a chance. Scott had a feeling they had only scratched the surface of his own desires, and he wanted to explore further.
And if John was willing and able to explore with him, all the better.