I have no Ikea The Simpsons go to IKEA to buy a bunk bed for Bart and Hugo. Then Homer tries to build it and fails as usual. Then Bart encounters a recent enemy who has gathered a gang to make his life a misery.
Plot
The Simpsons drove to IKEA.
A stupid foreigner pronounced it as Ick-ee Ah. It rhymes with idea...
"It's Idea with a K instead of a D you idiot!" Oscar yelled at no one.
Marge sighed.
"Shut up!" said the foreign sounding narrator of the Ikea adverts.
"I have a Kia." said Principal Skinner.
"Now remember we're only here for Bart and Hugo's new beds. This place is exhausting to walk around..." Marge remarked.
Homer scoffed as he disliked the Swedish furniture store.
"I'm just glad that I won't have Hugo kicking me during the night anymore." said Bart.
"You're the one doing the kicking!" Hugo retorted.
"No you are!" Bart argues.
"Well you keep farting in the bed!" Hugo argued.
Oscar laughed.
"Boys stop bickering..." Marge sighed.
They went inside where they met a mascot. Alan Wrench. An anthromorphic Alan Key.
"Hi I'm Alan Wrench." said the mascot.
"Cool costume!" Bart remarked tapping him.
"It's not a costume! They found me inside a meteor!" said Alan Wrench in an alien voice baring his alan wrench/key fingers at Bart.
"Excuse me Alan, but where are the beds?" Marge asked.
"Oh beds are on third." said Alan Wrench in a normal voice. Once Marge was gone he decided to prank Bart some more. "I need tungsten to live! Tungsten!" He wailed at Bart.
Bart screamed and ran away.
Alan Wrench laughed.
"Um excuse me Alan. Where are the Hamper lids?" Ned asked.
"Hamper lids are on the second floor, east wing." Alan Wrench was being helpful.
"Okilly dokilly!" said Ned.
...
Homer tried out the bean bags. However he got swallowed by one.
"Arrrr! She swallowed ye too?" said Sea Captain.
Meanwhile Marge and Lisa were looking at the pencil holders.
"Oh! I want the krunk!" said Lisa. She picked up an over the top pencil holder.
"Why thanks little girl..." said Kronk from Disney's The Emperor's new Groove.
"She said Krunk... numbskull..." Hugo sighed.
"Hmmmmm! You don't want something that overshadows the pencils. How about the poubli?" Marge asked.
"Mom no! All the poubli kids get picked on! Even I pick on them!" said Lisa. "I just hate them so much!"
"I just need pencis, to gouge out that freak Oscar's eyes!" Hank said menacingly.
Marge gave him a sharp look.
"Anyhow we're here for Bart and Hugo's beds and I can't find your father and Oscar's getting bored..."
"I wanna go in the kid's mini cinema and watch cartoons!" Oscar whined.
Marge sighed.
Oscar went to the kids mini cinema and watched cartoons.
Once they rescued Homer from the bean bags they decided to stop for lunch.
"Ugh! I hate Swedish food!" Bart groaned.
I pity the ah a fool who messes with B.A Backström!" said Finnish A Team B.A. yes I know he's Finnish. Scandinavians are all the same... Hinder Ginder gurgern!
Bart winced.
They ordered food.
"Um I'll have the (squints) Globaluben and don't skimp on the doodlemoonch!" said Homer.
"Bork! Bork! Bork!" said the Swedish chef from the Muppets.
Their lunch was meatballs and stuff.
"Oh the forks are Lego!" said Marge. Blue haired Lawyer coughed and interrupted them. "I mean Blocko."
There were singing Monty Python Vikings! "Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! Spammity spaaaaam! Wonderful spaaaaam!"
Bart groaned and laid upon his folded arms exasperated.
...
Homer built a super four pronged fork and used it to take a meatball from everyone's plates.
"Hey!" they groaned.
Homer ate the meatballs from his fork.
Lisa wasn't hungry because as a vegetarian she couldn't eat what Homer had ordered.
"Homer! She's vegetarian!" Marge frowned.
Oscar recognized someone waiting in the queues to get food.
"Bart! Look! It's that kid from the Try n Save again!" said Oscar.
"Why does he keep turning up everywhere?" Bart asked.
The kid was in line looking very bored.
Anyway in canon Apu and Manjula arrived. However in my fanon he's single and his mom got deported for her medieval views on arranged marriage.
"Just like that time I deported Li Showron/Syaoran Li's parents for their medieval views on arranged marriage. Plus in the original Japanese his cousin has a weird sick obsession with marrying him!" said Oscar. It's true! Look it up! "Plus BlueKraid initially drew me to resemble Li. Now I resemble Tai from Digimon with green goggles and a sweater."
However no one was listening to him jabbering.
"How rude! I was talking!" Oscar pouted.
So instead Apu was single and dating random single ladies like um, Miss Hoover.
"Apoover..." Bart cracked a childish joke. Apu Hoover etc.
Oscar laughed.
"Bart grow up... a poop joke?! Honestly..." Hugo sighed.
"Boys eat your lunch." Marge sighed.
Anyway Apu arrived alone. "Hello Simpsons!"
"Hey Apu! Still single... hehehehe!" Homer chuckled.
"Homer! Manjula seemed like a very sweet woman..." Marge sighed.
"They both weren't ready to marry yet..." Oscar seethed as he hates cultures with arranged or forced marriage.
"Oh I have found the woman I am ready to marry. We met on an online dating site!" said Apu.
"Feh! Dating website! Manjula was a sweet young girl!" Apu's mother ranted.
"He is marrying out of love! Not to make you rich with a business arrangement by marrying off your son to some oil sheikh's daughter!" Oscar ranted.
Marge sighed.
...
After lunch the Simpsons admired a green table before going to the beds.
"Well the Swedish sure have some radical designs for furniture! Like a green table! I never would have thought of that!" said Marge.
"Yeah sure... a green table is sooooo outrageous and radical..." Bart sighed.
Oscar got fed up with boring store.
"Anyone who wants me I'll be in the kid's mini cinema watching Dexter's Lab." said Oscar. He navigated back to the entrance and went inside the mini cinema where there was cartoons playing on a cinema screen.
"When is my dad gonna pick me up..." a kid mumbled.
"Hmmmm... remember you two. Go for something simple and not too artsy..." said Marge.
Bart and Hugo agreed on a simple Boy's bunk bed with a Swedish name.
Then because it was a Swedish shop or danish or whatever. Mmmmm umlauts... ABBA was there singing.
(Singing)
The Simpsons winced.
"Then go and eat a tangerine! Oh yeeeeeeeah!" Oscar sang a silly spoof of the ABBA song.
"Shut up!" Homer snapped.
Then Oscar laughed at the silly product names.
There was a lounge lamp named MILF.
Oscar screamed with laughter.
The Simpsons sighed.
And a wall lamp named FARTYG.
Bart chuckled.
Elsewhere in the Ikea or Shøp Countess Dracula dragged her husband and their som Ace around every part of the Ikea.
Ace groaned bored.
Now was the manner of getting the thing home and assembling it.
"Awwww! I have to assemble it?!" Homer groaned as they got some boxes with the bed parts in them.
They paid for their stuff and after finding the car they went home.
...
At home, Homer had a nightmare assembling the beds and was swearing a lot and ended up with a mess.
"Look if it's that much trouble I'll assemble it!" said Marge annoyed. Some time later she successfully assembled the bunk beds in Bart and Hugo's room.
"Wow! Mom! I'm impressed!" said Lisa. "I didn't know you were good at DIY!"
"Why thanks Sweetie!" said Marge.
"Now who gets the top bunk?" Bart asked.
"Well obviously me!" said Hugo.
"Uh uh! I called it first!" said Bart.
"As if! It's mine!"
"No mine!"
They started bickering.
"Mine!"
"No mine!"
"Enough!" Marge yelled. "We'll toss a coin. The winner gets the top bunk!"
"Heads." said Bart.
"Tails." said Hugo.
"Tails's head." Oscar smirked wickedly. Tails Prower gulped.
"Oz you're not playing..." Lisa sighed.
Unfortunately Hugo won so he got the top bunk.
That night Bart and Hugo were discussing the benefits of separate beds. Bart insisted Hugo was still the kicker.
"Well at least I don't have to deal with you Dutch ovening me!" said Hugo.
There's a flashback of Bart yelling "Dutch oven!" and stuffing Hugo under the blanket and farting. Hugo wriggles and yells trying to get out.
Back in the present Homer yelled at them from the master bedroom to go to sleep.
"Night Hugo..." said Bart.
"Night Bart..." said Hugo. They went to sleep.
...
Oscar's room.
Oscar giggled because Teddy, his living teddy bear creature was sniffing his diaper with his big wet shiny black nose.
Teddy sniffed Oscar's diaper.
Oscar giggled until eventually he wet his diaper.
Teddy smirked. He sniffed Oscar's diaper again.
Oscar sweated and grimaced.
Teddy sniffed him until he honked and squeezed Teddy's nose.
(Teddy's nose squeaked like a squeaky toy.)
Oscar giggled.
Teddy sniffed his diaper some more.
Oscar squeezed his nose again.
"Maybe try to get some sleep champ..." Teddy sighed.
"No sniff me some more, then shrink me so I can stuff my hands up your nose and pull on your gooey snot..." said Oscar.
Teddy winced in disgust.
He sniffed Oscar's diaper again.
Plot 2
The next day Bart and Oscar went to the supermarket.
"One to get some candy and secondly because you summoned a funky disco chicken in the rumpus room..." Bart sighed.
Oscar chuckled.
The rude Try n Save kid was there getting cereal with his mom. However he didn't want any of the cereals.
"I hate all of them! And I hate you! I wanna live with one of my dads!" yelled the kid.
Bart rolled his eyes.
Oscar was eating cereal out of the boxes.
"Hey! Stop that at once you filthy little filcher." Apu yelled.
Oscar made a face at him. "Kali maaaaaa! Kali maaaaaa!"
"Oz no! Stop referencing Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom!" Bart groaned.
"Kallae kistnae..." Oscar rasped in gibberish.
Bart face palmed.
"How about Pirate Kali?" Oscar asked.
Bart glared at him.
Sometime later Bart and Oscar bumped into him when he was on his own trying to get toys from the cereal boxes and making a mess in doing so.
"Oof! Watch where you're going losers!" the boy yelled.
"Hey! Watch your mouth! Dork!" Bart retorted.
"I know you are but what am I?" the boy started a I know you are loop with Bart.
"A dork!" said Bart.
"I know you are but what am I?"
"Ugh! No please! These never end!" Oscar groaned as they went back and forth. Then something intrigued the boy.
"Hey! I thought you seemed familiar! You're those two shoplifters!" said the boy.
Bart gagged him by covering his mouth with his hand and hushed him.
"Not so loud! I don't want people knowing that!" Bart whispered.
The boy pulled himself free.
"Don't touch me dweeb! And relax. I don't squeal on people." said the boy.
...
Elsewhere in Bart's room. Hugo had set up his laboratory. He had kidnapped a woman to experiment on her.
The woman stirred in her sleep.
[Gasps] "She's waking up." Hugo gasped.
"Don't worry. I brought some chloroform." said Igor. "Pleasant dreams. There." He put plastic colourful shapes on her face! "And there."
"You idiot! Those are Colorforms!" Hugo yelled.
Igor, Hugo's deformed lab assistant hunchback flinched.
Elsewhere the Mayor, Mayor West had tea.
Mayor West mulled over the taste of his tea, possibly some pretentious exotic named tea...
"More sesame cakes, Mr West?" His assistants asked.
"STOP EATING MY SESAME CAKE!" The African warlord guy from the movie Congo yelled.
Elsewhere Alan Wrench was goofing off again and scaring children.
"GIVE ME YOUR SOOOOOOOUUUL!" He boomed dramatically while baring his Alan Wrench claws.
Kids screamed and ran away.
The attic.
"Master?" Igor asked Hugo who was furiously writing formulae.
Hugo shot a murderous look at him.
"Are you displeased with me?" Igor asked.
...
The boy and his mother paid for their shopping and went home. However his mom was cramping his style.
"I'll meet you at home Mom! You're being such a loser!" the boy stormed off.
"Gavin, honey..." his mother called. "Please, Gavin! Come back!"
However as he passed an alley he was grabbed into it.
His would be kidnappers were Spud, Shelby and Lester.
"Why us three? What do we have in common?" Spud asked.
"You're both Bart's enemies."
"Oh." said Spud.
"I'm not really his enemy. I hardly know the kid." said Lester.
"Shut up Lester." said Shelby.
"And I am the mastermind behind all this. said a girl.
"Jessica Lovejoy?" asked the narrator.
"Oh thanks for ruining the suspense narrator!" Jessica Lovejoy sighed.
"Why are we kidnapping this kid?" Spud asked.
"You overheard him recognizing Bart and Oscar as the shoplifters at the Try n Save and you're planning to get them in trouble." said the narrator.
"Yeah but what do we do with Kevin?" Spud misnamed Gavin.
"Gavin's the name, you morons!" the rude and spoiled brat spoke.
"Oh." said Spud.
"And you then let the kid go." said the narrator.
They let the rude kid go. He runs off home.
...
One afternoon Oscar and Bart are in the park when they fell into a hole. They looked up from the hole to find Spud, Lester and Shelby gloating. Well Lester wasn't gloating.
"Well look who fell down this hole!" said Spud laughing.
"Aaaaagh! Quiffy has turned evil!" Oscar screamed.
"Nnnngh! Stop comparing me to your dumb toon!" Spud yelled.
"He's not dumb! He's cute..." said Oscar.
"We've got someone to join you!" said Shelby. They had kidnapped the rude kid from Try n Save and threw him in the hole with them.
"What do you guys want..." Bart groaned.
"We all have one thing in common! We hate you Bart Simpson!" said Shelby.
"I don't hate him..." Lester whined.
"And this is is your big revenge plot... putting me in a hole..." Bart sighed.
"Actually we managed to beat some gossip out of your mouthy friend there. You're quite the thief aren't you?" said Shelby.
"Uh?" Bart feigned ignorance.
"Does the word Bonestorm seem familiar?" said Spud.
"Oh crud! We're boned..." said Oscar...
"Smell you later losers!" said Shelby as they left.
Bart, Oscar and Gavin helped each other out of the hole.
"We are so boned. I don't even want to go home..." said Oscar.
"Like anyone is gonna believe those losers... Hopefully Lester sells them out. I can't get a bead on him what he thinks of me..." said Bart. "And don't worry. My mom is soft on you because you act in a soppy childish manner."
Oscar frowned at Bart as they headed home.
...
They went home. Fortunately Spud and his gang hadn't ratted on them yet.
Everyone was watching McBain. Then the news came on. Kent explained that the ID of the Try N Save shoplifters had been found thanks to some anonymous whistleblowers. However fortunately for Bart and Oscar Wiggum was tasked with drawing the ID and drew them to look like Tai Kamiya and Dennis the Menace. Bart smirked.
"They're not gonna find them with ID sketches like that..." said Homer.
Bart and Oscar sighed with relief.
Nine months passed and during that time the Simpsons had zany adventures.
"I learned the true meaning of Columbus Day." said Hugo.
In fourth grade.
Hugo and Martin were researching in the computer lab about Christopher Columbus.
"Well I have here evidence that actually vikings discovered America several centuries before Columbus. Particularly Lief Erickson." said Hugo.
"Ooooooh! Controversial! Martin what is your response?" Mrs Krabappel supported her class nerd.
"Yes well I can't refute your evidence Hugo. But it seems a lot of established facts and legends become myths when new evidence comes forward. I'll have you know most Italians still believe Christopher Columbus discovered America." said Martin.
Hugo pinched the top of his nose exasperated. "Martin, he only discovered the Caribbean... And actually Amerigo Vespucci "Rediscovered" America for Italy. That's why it's called America."
"Excellent! Excellent Hugo!" Mrs Krabappel clapped.
Martin sighed. "I am not on my A game today..."
"No. you're not... former teachers pet..." said Hugo reading a book. Probably Jules Verne.
Nelson and a few of the cool kids made threatening gestures at Hugo.
During all this Bart was fast asleep out of boredom. Oscar insisted Mrs Krabappel wanted him to research Chris Columbus the director of the Harry Potter movies.
"No Oz... Christopher Columbus of 1400s..." Mrs Krabappel sighed.
"It's the same guy... He's immortal like Jane Seymour..." said Oscar.
...
"I enjoyed a brief but memorable stint as Sideshow Marge." said Marge.
On the Krusty the clown show, Sideshow Mel had gone on vacation because it was his annual leave.
"I thought I cancelled his annual leave? Because I can be a tough and selfish boss sometimes. Like that time I made him come back from a funeral for an ice skating show." said Krusty.
"Krusty he's entitled to annual leave. He could sue." said the Jewish accountant.
"Oh fine... I'll have to hire a temp... And not Sideshow Bob!" said Krusty.
The truth is. Mel signed off annoyed because the omnipotent influences of a fan fiction author demanded that Krusty completely ignore that Bob tried to frame him for armed robbery and rehire him.
"Who does he think he is? Has Krusty forgotten my predecessor tried to frame him for armed robbery!" Sideshow Mel ranted in his bathroom. "The guy is a dangerous maniac too! He keeps trying to kill a little ruffian called Bart Simpson. Now to be fair the little buffoon incurred my wrath giving me a cheese sandwich knowing I'm lactose intolerant! But all I did was verbally scold him!"
Marge arrived at Krustylu to pick up Bart as he had got tickets to sit in the audience that day.
"Bart? It's time to go!" She called out to Bart as kids were being picked up.
Krusty took one look at her beehive hair do and laughed hysterically.
"Gahahahaha! Lady you're hired!" Krusty chuckled.
"Oh thank you! For what?" Marge asked.
"To be my new sideshow." said Krusty.
Then on the issue 95 cover Marge dressed as a clown was juggling her tiny family members. Unfortunately there was nothing about her as a clown in any of the stories.
...
Elsewhere Lisa became extremely popular for some reason. Probably because of Bart's camcorder.
Bart was being annoying recording her on the bus.
"Tonight on the Discovery Channel, Inside Lisa's Nose." Bart zoomed in on her nose and up her nostril... "What will we find, boogers or Nazi gold?"
"Bart, quit it!" Lisa whined.
"No way." said Bart.
"Bart sleeps with Raggedy Andy." said Lisa grinning.
"Cut, cut, cut!" Bart shut off the recording and deleted it.
Later before bed.
Oscar was playing with his toys.
"Okay bounty hunters. We have Teddy as a wookie."
Teddy growled like Chewie.
"Clownja. A Boba Fett action figure and... um..." Oscar found a Raggedy Andy doll.
"That's Bart's Raggedy Andy doll." said Lisa reading a book.
"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY BOUNTY HUNTER MEETING!" Oscar swore at the doll.
"Oscar! Language!" Marge yelled.
Anyway Lisa got extremely popular. Probably thanks to Alex Whitney or something.
Bart was recording people who didn't want to be recorded.
"And now on the Discovery Channel... Journey into Oscar's ear hole..." said Bart pestering Oscar.
Oscar glared at him and sucker punched the camcorder. Breaking it as the recording shut off.
"Oh thanks Oscar. That camcorder was school property..." Bart groaned.
Plot 3
"Then I learned the true meaning of winter." said Bart.
The Simpsons laughed at him.
"What?"
"Bart everyone knows Winter is all Christmas and cold weather. And we humans don't get to sleep through all of it." said Homer laughing.
"I was trying to be dramatic and setting the mood..." Bart sighed.
Hansel Bart was eating in the gingerbread house.
"Oh, look at that." remarked Homer. "Ooh, a gingerbread house. Hansel and Gretel are set for life."
"You know, I saw Apu today. He's really frazzled." said Oscar commenting idly.
"Boy, that Hansel sure can eat." said Homer as Hansel Bart was devouring cakes and cookies and basting himself.
"Can you stop watching me eat..." Hansel Bart groaned.
"Well stop eating like a pig, Hansel." said Oscar.
Hansel Bart made a face at him.
Elsewhere George Takei was mad at Scott Bakula.
"Way to kill the franchise. Bakula!"
Marge bought something more stuff from Ikea.
"Enjoy your crap-uh Swedish furniture." said a Viking delivering the furniture in boxes.
Bart was watching from his bedroom window a commotion. Dennis the Menace, the blond American one, was being arrested. Probably because the police sketch looked like him and not Bart.
Homer saw a bear.
"Oh, look kids, it's a bear, the serial killer of the animal kingdom!" said Homer.
Teddy, Oscar's living teddy bear creature was dressed as Freddy Krueger. Or Teddy Krueger... hehehehe!
Oscar smirked.
"Dad, that's completely untrue! Like most animals, bears generally won't bother a person if you respect their space and territory." said Lisa.
"Well we've built on their territory. So most of the time, a bear entering your neighbourhood is because your neighbourhood used to be forest." said Hugo.
"Are we even in this episode anymore?" Spud asked.
"No because you tried to get Bart in serious trouble." said Oscar.
"We will have our revenge!" Shelby declared.
"Once again why am I a bad guy?" Lester sighed.
Bart winced.
Kagome pondered as she hesitantly opened a diaper and slid it under Shippo's butt and applied a generous amount of baby-powder to Shippo's private area. Kagome gently brought the diaper up between Shippo's legs and taped it up.
The Young fox demon winced as I decided he was wearing a diaper.
Oscar's living teddy bear creature thought he was cute and shrank Shippo and took off with him to play with him.
"Oz can you not mention diapers..." Bart winced.
Oscar frowned at him.
"Anyway over the last month I rode a unicycle with Eddie Munster." said Homer.
Eddie Munster was the celebrity guest this episode. An audience cheered as the young werewolf arrived.
Anyhoo, Eddie Munster had also just murdered Ken Juedes by shooting him but denied it.
"He didn't do it..." Bart sighed.
Eddie Munster and Ace were brushing their fangs in the bathroom.
"Most normal people say they're brushing their teeth..." Bart sighed. Well werewolves and vampires have fangs.
The two long sharp needle like teeth protruding over Ace's lips were his fangs.
Herman Munster had to deal with an angry villager with a flaming torch.
"That's no way for a self respecting Republican to act!" He exclaimed. XD.
In the same episode of the Republican angry torch bearing villagers Lily would not get out of Johann's closet.
"Lily, you come out of there!" said Herman.
"No she's not ready darlin' Oooooooh! Spank me and send me out to sea!" said a very gay man.
"That is not why she's in there!" Homer yelled.
And Victor Frankenstein the IV has a machine that went up to and quite possibly beyond 9,000 volts.
"IT'S OVER 9000!" Vegeta yelled.
"What 9000?!" Nappa yelled.
Bart face palmed.
...
At Ikea.
"Excuse me, where are the kitchens?" A customer asked Alan Wrench.
"Oh upstairs on third off the west wing." said Alan Wrench.
"The west wing is forbidden!" the Beast yelled.
The customer winced.
"Um okay..."
Oscar wanted one of the life size python plushies.
"Uh... no..." said Homer.
The Simpsons then looked at all the wall lamps.
Oscar yawned bored.