Throw Mark from a Twain The Simpsons can't fly back home from a holiday across the states so they have the hitch a train back to Springfield. During the trip a hobo offers to tell three stories based on Mark Twain stories and American fairy tales. However in return they must give him a sponge bath for each story he tells.
Plot
The Simpsons won a competition to go to Delaware as they drove to Delaware.
"I can't believe we won a competition! All thanks to the freak!" said Homer driving.
"Shut up! His name is Hugo!" Oscar snapped.
Homer sighed.
"The Simpsons are going to Delaware!" said Homer as they drove to Delaware.
"I wanna see Wilmington." said Lisa.
"I want to visit a screen door factory!" said Marge.
Oscar laughed at her idea, thinking how amusing a screen door factory could be.
"Yeah, Delaware has it all..." said Homer.
"Even underwear..." said Oscar chuckling.
Bart winced at him.
Along the way they stopped because Marge saw a home appliance and kitchen equipment store.
"Let's stop there!" said Marge.
Everyone groaned as they always comply with her.
They went to the home appliance kitchen store.
"Oh look! A melon baller! A punch bowl! A cocktail shaker! An apron that's also a Smock!"
"Uh yes yes ma'am!" said Ol Gil. "Behold the Apron and Smock in one! The Smapron!"
Oscar's eye twitched as he found a new thing to scream out loud. "Smapron! SMAPROOOOON! Smapron!"
"Oh great... he found a new thing to scream at..." Bart groaned.
Oscar was screaming Smaprooooooon!
The Simpsons are then at an airport waiting to fly to Delaware but all the flights were cancelled because of an incident in New York.
"Plus Homer wouldn't pay the air tax." Bart groaned.
Yeah but mostly because of the September 11th terror attack...
The Simpsons were annoyed and had to find an alternative way back home.
Homer suggested they hitch a ride on a freight train.
"I've never done that before." said Oscar. "Isn't that illegal?"
"Do you want to stay stranded here?" Homer sighed.
"No!" Oscar replied.
"Then be quiet and hop on when I say so!" Homer replied. They all got on the train's open freight carriage. Except Hugo who got left behind.
"Woohoo!" Homer cheered.
Hugo caught up on a handcar. "You monster!" He whined as he jumped on the train.
Homer sighed in disappointment.
They were all, including Hugo, Alvin..., on the train.
"The Simpsons are riding the rails!" said Homer.
Oscar had to start singing... "I've been riding on the rail road! All the live long daaaaaaaaayy! I've been riding on the rail road! Just to pass the time awaaaaay-oof!" Bart slugged him.
"Bart..." Marge told Bart off.
There was a hobo in there. Bart thought he had died.
"Coooool! A dead hobo!" He fetched a stick from somewhere and poked the hobo who was lying behind a haystack. Suddenly he woke up spluttering as to why someone poked him.
The Simpsons screamed.
"Morning folks." said the Hobo.
"What are you gonna do to us?" Homer whimpered.
"Oh don't worry about me. I'm not a stabby hobo, I'm a singing hobo!" said the hobo getting out his banjo.
And a Kazooie...
"No Narrator..." Bart groaned.
The Simpsons and Oscar sighed with relief.
He sung about living the hobo life and stabbing people with his hobo knife.
Nothin' beats the hobo life
Stabbin' folks with my hobo knife
I gouge them-
"Um Mr Hobo, can you sing something that's not about stabbing... something festive..." said Marge unnerved.
"Okay anything for you nobos." said the Hobo. "And while were at it we'll watch Sheriff Lobo and the Mobos (Music of Black Origin awards.)
"Oh! Sheriff Lobo!" Homer likes that programme.
"Now we're shaking and baking." said the hobo.
"Please stop making rhymie whimies." Oscar asked annoyed.
"Shut up you stupid Limey!" said Bart to him.
Oscar slugged him.
He didn't mind them sharing his carriage, but wanted to tell them a story to pass the time.
"Um here's a ballad to set fire to your trash can." said the hobo playing his banjo. (And a kazooie!)
"Hehehehe! It's funny because that's what you hobos have instead of a fireplace..." Homer chuckled.
"Our first story is about a giant lumberjack called Paul Bunyan." said the Hobo.
"Oooooooh!" said Homer interested.
Paul Bunyan
Grampa and Mona were playing the role of Paul Bunyan's parents. The villagers explained to Abe his son was born and was waiting in the barn.
"Congratulations Mr Bunyan! It's a boy!" said Dr Nick.
In the barn was a giant baby Homer. (Oscar sniggered. "Giant baby! Hehehe!") the giant baby was drinking from the poor cows by draining them dry of milk.
"Ay chihuahua! That's a big baby!" said Dr Nick.
"Me hungee." said giant baby Homer.
"Holy moly!" Abe gasped. He went to check on his wife.
"Honey, how are you doing?" he asked.
"I need a whiskey..." Mona groaned.
Oscar laughed.
The village helped raise giant Homer as well as suffered his giant related antics...
"And they used a pulley system to help change his enormous diapers." said Oscar.
Bart laughed.
"I'm telling the story here..." said the hobo.
"Sorry." said Oscar.
Baby Homer/Paul Bunyan annoyed and tormented the village children. He stuffed a few in his diaper.
"Hey!"
Baby Paul Bunyan giggled.
Then he glued a Bart villager to a tree with his snot. He squeezed his nose to blast out a snot rocket.
"Ugh!" Bart as a villager groaned as he struggled and squirmed but the green gooey snot was too sticky and held him fast to the tree.
Oscar villager winced and grimaced, crinkling his nose. He peed his pants slightly from his stuck in goo fetish.
Eventually Paul grew out of that diaper stuffing and gluing kids to trees with his snot thing. Now he just accidentally stomped on people while walking or running about.
"Oops!" He crushed Wiggum.
"Me hungee." said giant Homer as Paul Bunyan.
"Well time to make Paul's breakfast." said the villagers.
They made giant flapjacks. And flapjohns...
"That doesn't make sense... what is a flapjohm?!" Lisa groaned.
Oscar laughed.
Anyway... Everyone had flapjacks...
"Paul! Flapjacks!" said Grampa.
Homer as Paul Bunyan drooled and his drool washed away several villagers. Eeeeew!
Later...
"Well" lets get started making Paul's lunch." said Moe.
Homer as Paul Bunyan once accidentally swallowed a few villagers.
"Where's Lenny and Willie?" Ned as a villager asked.
"I've found a way out but it ain't pretty..." said the Willie villager to Lenny. They're gonna go through his bowels!
Later something startled Abe. "Jeezum crow!"
Hehehehe! They talked funny back then...
Eventually everyone had enough of Paul Bunyan/giant Homer causing carnage and squishing them.
"It's costing us just to feed and cloth the big lunk!" said Moe.
"Plus he keeps stomping on us. The clumsy oaf." said Agnes.
"Now, I'm a proud, married, Christian man, and I love my wife. But..." said Ned.
"Shut up Flanders! And why is Maude in this story?! She's dead!" Paul Bunyan yelled.
"Okay that jerk has to leave!" Ned agreed with everyone.
They kicked him out of town by dragging him out as he slept.
Well they drugged him first.
"With beer and one of these pills. Same way we got rid of Laura lngalls Wilder." said Moe holding a giant pill.
"I don't know who that is..." said Oscar as a villager.
"She wrote Little House on the Prairie..." said Lisa.
"I have no idea why she was thrown out for writing books..." said Oscar.
"Well that's a great idea." said Abe.
Everyone agreed.
"Then it's settled. Now I'm off to the barn dance." said Disco Stu.
Homer/Paul Bunyan was knocked out with one beer and a pill.
"Man the giant doofus is a light weight..." said Moe.
Paul Bunyan wasn't very happy but went off on his own to live elsewhere. He then carved a companion for himself out of rock, an ox called Babe.
"Oooooh! If only you were real..." Paul sighed.
During the night the ox came to life because of a lightning storm and magic northern lights!
"Which were entirely contained in Principal Skinner's kitchen..." said Oscar.
"No Oz..." Bart groaned.
Paul called the blue Ox, Babe.
"Babe, pig of the city!" Oscar yelled with joy.
Everyone on the train groaned annoyed at him.
"Please let me sedate him..." Hugo groaned.
They both traveled across America creating various famous landmarks such as the Great Smoky mountains from smoking, Death Valley Desert from destroying a forest and stomping about, and 'Big holes with beer' National Park from spilling their beer.
Then Paul and Babe fought Rodan and Godzilla.
(Monsters roaring and fighting)
"Coooooooool!" said Oscar.
"Paul Bunyan did not fight Rodan, Mothra and Godzilla..." Lisa groaned.
"Shhh! You're ruining the story!" Bart hushed her.
Lisa pouted.
Anyway, Paul met a beautiful maiden (played by Marge), at first she was frightened by his size but eventually she learned he was friendly and they fell in love.
"Don't worry I won't smoosh you. You're cute!" said Paul Bunyan.
The Marge villager giggled.
Paul was getting ready.
"Are you ready yet Paul?" Marge asked.
"Just sprucing myself up." said Paul.
Oscar Villager zapped him with a magic wand and turned him into a spruce tree. Oscar laughed.
Later after turning Paul back to normal.
However Paul's old village was about to be struck by a meteor! Paul decided to help them and whacked the meteor to Chicago where it started the great Chicago fire.
The end.
Plot 2
"There were so many inconsistencies with Paul Bunyan's size! One minute you said he was ten feet tall the next his footsteps were as big as lakes!" Lisa ranted. Everyone groaned at her.
"Well, I liked it! Especially the giant baby Paul Bunyan!" Oscar said giggling.
Bart rolled his eyes.
"Of course you'd like that Oz..." Bart groaned.
"Wow that story had everything... A giant meteor, people..." Homer was easily pleased.
"Well I can spin a few more yarns..." said the hobo.
"He meant tell some stories Oz..." said Bart as a Oscar literally assumed the hobo was a loom.
"Woohoo!" Homer cheered.
"But, (He paused) for telling yer a tale yer have to give something in return. A sponge bath." said the hobo.
Everyone was disgusted and didn't want to do it.
"Eeeeeeew..." Hugo groaned.
Homer reluctantly agreed he would do it. "I'll help..."
"Oh don't be shy, I don't mind you folks seeing me nude!" said the hobo.
Everyone cringed in disgust.
Later Pretend to be a Wealthy man at parties Simpson Cousin was in trouble for shaking his fist in anger over a flight tax. That wasn't why the Simpsons can't fly home. The reason why is because of the 9/11 attack...
"Stupid anti fist shaking law!" Pretends to be a wealthy man at parties Simpson cousin yelled.
"Stupid anti fisting laws!" Julio yelled while being arrested.
Hehehe! Dirty man...
Pretends to be a wealthy man at parties Simpson screamed in horror.
Back on the train the kids were bored.
Oscar was playing with a dreidel Jurkle gave to him.
The Hobo was doing impressions of um things and making out with his bindie.
"Now look at me Moneypenny. I want to undo that bow and get to know ya."
"Stick to telling stories..." Bart groaned.
"Can I put on a hand puppet show?" Oscar asked.
"No you can't put on a hand puppet show!" Bart snapped.
Oscar sulked.
The Hobo was snogging his Bindie.
"Kiss me you fool! Oh yeah."
Bart winced exasperated.
They then started idly chatting while the Hobo was snogging his bindi stick thing.
"Oi imagine if a five year old became president." said Oscar.
"A five year old did become president..." Hugo sighed appalled as he disliked President George W Bush and agreed he was essentially the equivalent of electing a kindergartener.
...
"The next story is about a little girl called Connie Appleseed." said the hobo.
"Don't you mean a boy called Johnny Appleseed?" Oscar asked.
"Yeah but I've adapted it so listen up." The hobo told the story.
"Well I think that's wonderful he made the character a girl." Lisa commented quietly to Oscar.
Bart gagged.
Connie Appleseed
A group of frontiers were traveling across the wilderness of America in wagons.
There were many buffalo in the wilderness. However the frontiers were hungry so the leader, played by Homer, shot one and ate it.
"Dad you just killed a poor buffalo." Connie whined.
"But not defenceless. They have horns." said Oscar Frontier.
"A poor delicious buffalo." said Homer as the frontier leader.
"It will be dinner tonight." said Homer.
"Sounds great!" said Moe Frontier.
However Little Connie was a vegetarian and didn't want to eat buffalo.
"Oh that's wonderful!" Lisa commented.
Bart gagged.
"Anyway..." said the hobo. The story continued.
"Dad you just shot another poor, defenceless buffalo!" Connie whined.
"Again not defenceless... They have horns..." said Oscar.
"Oz shut up!" Lisa as Connie snapped.
"A poor, delicious buffalo." said Homer as Connie's Dad.
Connie growled annoyed,
"Why did you need to kill that one?!" She yelled as he shot another.
"That was dessert." said Homer.
Connie grumbled.
That night they had steaks. Except Connie who wouldn't eat meat as she's vegetarian.
"Yeah Dad killing the buffaloes and processing the carcasses into this delicious meat Moooooooved her! Gahahahaha!" said Bart as a Frontier.
"Quiet boy." said Homer.
Hugo gnawed his steak in a beastly manner.
..
"She also tried to explain naturally the buffalo would soon run out and that they'd need a more sustainable source of food." the hobo said while narrating.
"Which is true! Crops give far more food then animals. You don't kill crops when you pick fruit or vegetables from them!" Lisa explained.
"Lis we're trying to get the story..." Bart groaned.
However the frontiers didn't take her seriously and laughed at her.
Connie frowned.
"Killing an entire a species? That's impossible!" Homer as Connie's dad laughed.
Along the way across the plains. A white panel appeared. It read: "Frink died of dysentery."
Yes we're referencing Oregon Trail.
Connie Apple seed winced.
She was on her high horse again. Both literally on a horse and figuratively.
"We can invent ladders to put a man on a roof but we can't discover a renewable food source?!"
"We can put a fiddler on a roof..." said Krusty as a frontier.
Jurkle winced.
Connie was speechless and baffled.
"Well the clown managed to shut her up." said Bart.
"I'm cleaning my gun with the safety off... just cleaning my gun with the safety off..." Oscar sang while cleaning his gun. Bang! A buffalo mooed and died. "Oops!"
"Good shot kid! Tonight we'll have burgers!" said Homer.
"Mmmmmmm..." said Oscar drooling.
"Oz that was a careless shot!" Connie frowned.
"Can I shoot Connie..." Oscar groaned.
"Uh... no..." said Homer.
...
Connie one day heard a tree call out to her. She ran to it to find it was filled with fresh apples. She had an idea and picked some.
However it wasn't the tree calling her but a Hans Moleman frontier who had fallen into some quicksand and was drowning.
(gurgling as he drowned.)
"Cool! Quicksand! Oh baby..." Oscar got aroused by the mention of quicksand.
"Oscar why are you having suggestive thoughts about quicksand...?" Lisa asked cringing.
"Why was the quicksand patch small enough to be hidden behind a bush?!" Bart asked.
"Spontaneous quicksand. The kind that just randomly pops up in small patches when you least expect it." Oscar explained.
Anyway after that interruption, Connie showed the frontiers the apples she found but the frontiers just laughed and the Homer frontier thought they'd go nicely with the buffalo they were still eating.
"Coooool! Buffalo testicles!" said Oscar.
"No they're apples Oz..." said Connie.
Bart didn't like them.
"Yuck!"
"Either eat the apples or go on without me!" Lisa as Connie snapped.
They abandoned her.
"Savages..." said Connie.
"I didn't agree to abandoning my daughter!" Mrs Apple Seed yelled.
The frontiers abandoned her too.
Marge as Mrs Apple seed frowned.
"Come on Mom..." Connie sighed as they built a camp to survive in while turning the area they were left in into an apple orchard.
Marge sighed as she tilled the ground.
...
Every night they had something buffalo related. Homer and Billy suggested ridiculous things.
"Buffalo sausages."
"Huevos Bufferleros." Buffalo eggs...
"Dad, Buffaloes do not lay eggs..." Hugo explained.
"Shut up!" Homer yelled.
"Oh! Oh! Buffalo wings! Mmmmmm!" said Billy from Endsville.
"Buffaloes do not have wings..." said Hugo.
"Buffalo O J, freshly squeezed." Bart suggested.
"That sounds disgusting..." Oscar groaned.
Eventually the buffalo ran out.
"Nope, there's still two left!" The Bart frontier explained.
Homer shot them. "That's the last of them!"
Connie who was watching from her orchard was horrified. The frontiers with out her and her mother were not making great progress...
However this was a really bad idea as winter arrived and the frontiers had no food. They turned to cannibalism. First up was Homer because he was the fattest.
"You're the fattest. We'll eat you first," said Moe.
"Hey!" Homer in the freight train yelled.
They hungrily encroached on him.
"I'll have his liver with fava beans and a nice chianti..." Oscar was doing Hannibal Lector impressions...
"No Oz! Enough of the media references to things that don't exist yet!" Bart Kill yelled.
Homer screamed.
...
However Connie was able to save the frontiers and her dad.
"Stop!"
"In the name of looooooooove!" Oscar sang.
Bart strangled him.
She planted a seed and an apple tree magically grew from the ground and instantly was full of apples ready to pick.
"It's a miracle!" said the Sideshow Mel frontier.
"It's fantastic!" said Connie's mom.
"It's raining men!" Oscar as a frontier yelled.
Bart winced at him.
Connie managed to convince them to eat the apples as they would never run out as long as their seeds were planted.
"It's like a hootenanny in my mouth!" said a Frontier.
"So we're not eating Homer?" The Moe frontier asked as he took a chunk out of Homer.
"No!" Homer yelled.
The end.
Plot 3
"Ugh! Lisa your little friend's vegetarianism ruined the story..." Bart groaned.
"Well here's a story you might like sport..." said the hobo. "It's by Mark Twain."
"How about by Shania Twain..." said Oscar being silly.
"Uh... no." said the hobo.
"Wait Mark Twain's books were not counted as Tall Tales..." said Lisa. Ie that's like counting the Harry Potter books as fairy tales like Goldilocks and the three bears.
"Look we're doing this, okay?" said the hobo annoyed slightly.
Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn
Bart was playing the role of Tom Sawyer and Nelson was Huckleberry Finn. They were whitewashing fences as a chore.
"Stupid mayor making us paint this stupid fence..." Bart as Tom groaned.
"Whitewashing sucks! Powerful sucks, Tom..." Nelson as Huck groaned.
"No Blackwashing fictional characters to appease liberals sucks! No Superman can't be black! All Kryptonians are white! For some reason!" Oscar ranted.
Lisa as Becky Thatcher glared at him.
However Huck was distracted by a girl played by Lisa. (Eeeeew! Me and Nelson? - Lisa)
Yes I'm shipping you two again...
Lisa was playing the role of Becky Thatcher. As I stated a few lines earlier.
"No Margret Thatcher!" Oscar yelled.
Bart lunged at him and strangled him.
Milhouse was also helping whitewash the fence.
"Morning, friend." said Tom to Milhouse.
"Want your turn at whitewashin'? It's powerful fun." Tom asked.
"Why, you ain't fooling me again, Tom Sawyer. If I may." said Milhouse.
Lisa as Becky kissed Huck.
The girl's father however was very protective of her and demanded Huck marry her immediately.
"We were just hand holding!" Huck whined.
"Yeah um well the wedding is still happenin'" said Homer.
The town held a shotgun wedding. Lisa's mom in the story was also the victim of a shotgun wedding as Abe was holding her at shotgun point.
"You don't need to still be following me around with that! I've been married to Homer for 20 years!" Marge sighed. "Like I'm really going to leave him right now..."
"Oh ok..." Abe lowered his gun. However as soon as he was distracted Marge ran away.
Tim Lovejoy read the vows only for Huck to oink like a pig.
"The groom has been replaced with a pig!" Homer gasped. The pig was frightened.
"Coooool!" said Oscar as a villager.
"I was wondering why Huck was pooping a lot..." said Lenny.
"Eeeeeeeew!" Oscar groaned.
...
Meanwhile Tom and Huck made their escape up river.
"Up old Big Muddy..." said the hobo. The Mighty Mississippi.
"Uh Tom never went up river with Huck... that was N word Jim." Oscar explained.
"Oscar it's N-"
"Not one more syllable!" The blue haired lawyer interrupted.
"Why are you on the train?!" Bart asked.
"I'm everywhere there's a potential lawsuit." Blue haired lawyer replied.
"Yes now stop trying to be racist Bart..." Oscar frowned at him.
Anyway Bart as Tom Sawyer, Nelson as Huckleberry Finn and Lewis as N word Jim were going up river on a wooden raft.
They had to deal with yokels, the scary deliverance kind who for some reason didn't want N word Jim going up north. However they evaded the yokels.
Then Tom asked N word Jim for his oar but um...
"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!"
"That's your name isn't it? (Censor beep) Jim!" Bart as Tom asked.
"That is our word! Your people can't say it!" Lewis as N word Jim yelled.
There was an awkward pause.
"May I have my oar back, N word Jim..." Bart as Tom Sawyer sighed.
"That's much better..." said N word Jim.
Nelson as Huck winced.
Later he had to threaten some frogs and um something involving Aunt Polly.
Then Tom and Jim alone fell off some rapids.
"Rapids!"
"Please do not exit the raft until it has come to a complete stop..." said a P.A theme park announcement. XD.
"Um okay..." Bart winced.
...
They then reunited with Huck and got on a steam ferry captained by Dr Hibbert who was singing Old Man River.
"The old man riveeeeeeeer!"
Tom and Huck winced exasperated.
They then went in the bar and got drunk because drinking laws didn't exist then.
However Tom Sawyer started a bar brawl by accusing someone of cheating so they were thrown off the boat.
"Hey this XX isn't very strong! I don't feel drunk! You cheated us!"
"Cheated?!" Everyone in the bar who was gambling at the time yelled. They started brawling.
And the bar tender threw them off the boat.
The yokels and the villagers were waiting for them underwater.
"Oh crap!" Tom Sawyer said in gurgles because he was underwater.
...
A funeral was held for Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn who we believe are hiding in the rafters grinning as if they've escaped again however...
"Lower the bodies into their coffins." asked Lovejoy. Tom and Huck had actually been stuffed and were dead.
The end.
"Why did I die in this story?!" Bart asked.
"Yeah that wasn't a very nice ending..." Oscar whined.
"Hey look! It's our stop!" Homer yelled as they arrived in Springfield.
"Ahem!" The hobo coughed. "You still owe me two sponge baths."
Everyone groaned.
Homer sighed. "I'll meet you guys in an hour..." He volunteered to stay on the train and give the hobo his sponge baths...
The end!
Elsewhere on a desert road Kang and Kodos were annoyed they weren't in Treehouse of Horror XI.
Kang was on the phone.
"Do we want to be in something called Old Navy?" He asked Kodos.