Author's Note: Red alert! The Flaming Potato ship has escaped containment! The idea for an insane crack All for One/Endeavor fic came to me during a late night brainstorming session with Gentrychild, who I therefore blame for everything. Dear Gentry, this is for your "reward" for resurrecting me in The Founding of the Izukus Union. Seeing how it's your fault that I died in the first place, I thought you deserved something truly special. So I suffered through writing this knowing you would suffer even more. I know you don't want this gift, but I'm giving it to you anyway. I need someone to face the angry mob with me.

Casually, over dinner, Enji said, "I'm marrying All for One."

It wasn't easy to get all the Todoroki children seated around the dinner table, especially after Enji and Rei had divorced. Both brothers had taken their mother's side (without anyone even asking them to pick sides) and usually ate at her new apartment downtown. Fuyumi had pleaded with her brothers to come, saying that their father must be going through a rough time ever since Hawks had taken his number one hero spot. According to Fuyumi, Enji had been skipping around humming, smiling, and giggling at something he'd read on his phone. This could only be taken as a sign that he'd completely lost his marbles.

Natsuo had agreed to come because he wanted to see if his dad would seriously skip and hum. Shouto had been captured by a drugged cookie. He sank low in his chair with his arms crossed and pouted, glaring at his ramen as if he suspected his big sister might have slipped sleeping drugs into her cooking again.

Upon hearing his father's proclamation, Natsuo snorted. "Did you read a book telling you to bond with your children through humor? Because that wasn't very funny."

Shouto grunted.

With forced cheer, Fuyumi said, "I'm glad you're putting in an effort, Dad. But I confess I didn't get the joke either."

Enji said, "The Todoroki family is under a curse to always be second best."

"Another joke?" Natsuo asked.

"No, I'm serious." Enji stepped out of the room, then wheeled in a conspiracy theorist corkboard covered in notes and red string. "Just look at all the evidence! Even after All Might retired, I'm still number two hero. Shouto won second place at U.A.'s Sports Festival. Natsuo took second place in his college exams. Most recently, Fuyumi got second place in the neighborhood pie-baking contest."

Leaning over, Natsuo whispered to his sister, "Dad has cracked." In a louder voice, he said, "We can all agree that Fuyumi got robbed by the judge's personal bias against apples. But Dad, it's just bad luck that you lost the number one hero slot. The HPSC accidentally failed to put you on the popularity poll ballot and the write-in votes weren't enough. They were accused of rigging it to favor Hawks but found innocent. I know you came up with a million conspiracy theories at the time, but it was all just a mistake."

Enji continued, "Not only that, but Hisashi married Inko at almost the precise time I married Rei, as if the universe refused to even give me the title of most dysfunctional marriage!"

Shouto sat up straighter. "What do Midoriya's parents have to do with anything?"

Enji brandished an envelope. "I found proof. Our ancestor from the dawn of the age of quirks wrote a confession letter to his descendants, admitting that he won in an elementary school spelling bee against little girl with a reality-bending quirk. She cursed our entire family to never be first place at anything ever again."

Shouto's nose twitched. He did not want to be interested, but he could not resist the siren lure of a conspiracy theory. "Hmm, let me see that letter." He snatched it up and read rapidly. "It says here that if we can ever become first place at anything, then we can break the curse. The letter writer spent his whole life trying to break obscure Guinness World Records but never succeeded."

Enji said, "I came to realize that the only way to overcome the curse would be to marry into All for One's family, thus creating a combined family so dysfunctional that the universe cannot create anything worse and gives up. Then we will finally be number one, even if it's number one most dramatic family." He smiled and sighed, his gaze becoming dreamy. "I met with All for One planning to arrange a marriage between our children. I never expected to find him so…charming. We have so much in common. Like competitiveness, wanting to protect our families, relatives who inexplicably hate us, and unpopular opinions about a certain public figure. Mostly that last one. We really bonded over how much we both hate All Might."

Natsuo laughed out loud. "Okay, you win, you got me to laugh. That was funny! Your delivery is amazing. You really sold your silly prank. Haha, is trash-talking All Might like dirty talk to you? I can hear it now: 'Ooooo, pound me like you're drilling into your red-yellow-and-blue archnemesis!'"

Endeavor did not say anything, but the small blush spreading across his face said it all.

Natsuo paled. "No. No, no, no. This has stopped being funny. I refuse to see it, I refuse to acknowledge it, I refuse to admit I was ever here." He ran out to the window, opened it, and jumped out. The sound of clothing against bushes and cursing could be heard as Natsuo made his escape.

Shouto looked up from the letter. "This is fascinating reading. I wasn't paying attention, why did Natsuo run away?"

Fuyumi took a deep breath. She stood up, walked over, and took her father by his shoulders. "Dad, we're going to get help for you. The hospital where Mom used to live is a lovely place. I'll call and see if they have an open bed for you."

Enji took his daughter's hand. "Fuyumi, I know it's difficult for you to see me move on after your mother—"

"That's not the problem!" Fuyumi shrieked. Her shoulders shook so hard it sent her hair falling out of her ponytail. Her eyes looked wild. "Dad, your relationship with Mom was a flaming dumpster fire. We're all glad you two realized you were better off apart. But you're talking about marrying the number one villain! You're a hero! This is insane!"

"At least then I'd be number one villainous husband," Enji said, his jaw set stubbornly.

Fuyumi tried to smile but her eyes did not match her upturned mouth. "I'll schedule a therapy session immediately. I have phone calls to make." She turned to leave.

Enji called after her, "I'd be happy to attend family therapy, but you won't change my mind. I'm in love." He raised his hand to scratch his chin, and for the first time, Shouto saw that his father wore a diamond engagement ring.

Shouto waved his hands. "What does this have to do the Midoriyas? Uh, I mean Ms. Midoriya and Mr. Shigaraki." Hisashi and Inko had recently gotten divorced, and Hisashi had taken back his original last name. Shouto didn't know what had led to the divorce, but Izuku said his parents had been living apart for a long time, and they were merely making it official.

"Oh, I meant to explain it to you right away." Enji slapped his forehead. "Hisashi is All for One. See? You can become stepbrothers with your feral friend. Aren't you happy?"

Yelping, Shouto bit his tongue. He was also starting to feel like this prank had gotten entirely too real. Yet the conspiracy theory called to him like a siren luring sailors to their doom. A second best curse would explain so much! Yet the Dad for One reveal directly contradicted his beloved Dadmight theory! He rocked back and forth, unable to handle the contradiction.

The doorbell rang. Enji stood up. "Hisashi promised me an engagement present, it must have arrived. He even said he thought this gift would help bring my children around to our relationship." Enji left his dazed son, then returned a few minutes later, dragging a miniature metal bank vault as tall as himself. It had a big red bow on top. With a chuckle, Enji said, "Hisashi loves bank vaults."

"Oh, whoa, just like All for One," Shouto mumbled. "But no…Dadmight must be real…"

The gift came with a sparkly purple card. Enji opened it and read: My beloved Enji, after listening to many of your late night trauma dumps with half a ear while scrolling on my phone, a few details finally sunk in. Your oldest son frequently came up. I ran into To-what's-his-name a decade ago. Pretty sure I slapped some skin over his crispy corpse, then he wandered off and I lost track of him. I've returned him to you as a gift. Family belongs in bank vaults. Hugs and kisses, Hisashi.

From inside the vault, Dabi screamed, "LET ME OUT!"

"Touya! You're alive!" Enji flung his arms around the vault and wept. "This is the most wonderful gift I've ever received in my entire life. Gods, I love that man. Shouto, we must tell the whole family."

Alas, Shouto had finally reached the limits of his sanity and fainted upright.

"Psst!" The noise was followed by a scratching on the window.

Tomura sat up and rubbed his eyes. In the darkness of his bedroom, he made out a shadowy face pressing a nose against the window. Familiar silver piercings gleamed in the night. "Dabi? Where did you vanish to? You missed League Game Night yesterday." Tomura opened his window.

Dabi crawled in. "Damn All for One wrapped me up and gave me to Endeavor! I only just escaped the hugs." He shuddered. "Fuyumi took pity on me and untied me. I know I've sunk low when Yumi has to save me."

"I'm sure you did something to deserve Sensei's actions," Tomura said.

"Like hell! I was an engagement gift." Dabi groaned. "Sit down, Hand Job. You're going to want to be seated for this shocker."

Tomura crossed his arms. "You don't tell me what to do."

"Endeavor is my father."

Tomura swayed, but stayed standing.

Dabi finished, "And All for One is marrying my dad."

Tomura's legs went out from under him and he collapsed onto the bed. Incoherent whimpers came from his lips.

"Yeah, that was my reaction too," Dabi said with uncharacteristic sympathy.

"Does this mean we'll become brothers?" Tomura whispered.

Grimly, Dabi said, "According to our dads, yes. Endeavor is already reading a book on how to be a good stepfather for you. All for One wrote the book, if that gives you some idea of what you're in for."

Tomura placed a hand over his eyes. "No! I refuse to be brothers with you!"

"Do you think I want you either?" Dabi growled. "I've got it even worse. My dad started dating my boss. The universe hates me!"

Tomura would laugh at Dabi's face if he wasn't equally disturbed. He rubbed his hands in his eyes to remove the last sleep. Whenever he slept, he had gloves on his hands. "This is the last straw. I refuse to have the number two hero as a stepfather. I'll murder my own adopted father before I allow that abomination."

"I propose an alliance." Dabi held out his hand. "We're brothers in our shared desire not to become legal brothers and to burn this wedding down."

Tomura took the outstretched hand. "We're going to dust this wedding."

The wedding was being held in a black church with spiky towers and murals of demons that looked like they'd been painted by someone with no knowledge of Christianity except what he'd read in comic books. The parking lot was empty, and fake church strangely silent.

Tomura and Dabi pulled up to the wedding in a black van. They got out, both bristling with swords and guns strapped on their backs. (Spinner's entire sword collection had been confiscated.) Tomura held a flamethrower. Dabi's fists smoked blue. They exchanged a grim fist-bump, then strode for the door.

"Stop!" Izuku and Shouto stood in front of the church door, both wearing black suits and sunglasses.

Hands on his hips, Izuku declared, "No one interrupts this wedding before it's done."

Shouto said, "Trust me, big brother, you don't want to go in there."

"What the hell? I thought you'd be as opposed to this nightmare as me, little brother." Dabi scowled. "Surely a perfect hero student doesn't want a villain for a stepfather. Are you just here because you hate me and want to spite everything I do?"

"I've never hated you, big brother," Shouto said earnestly. "I'm here for Mom's sake. There's a clause in her pre-nup that gives her a massive alimony payment if Dad cheats on her. Actually, it gives her a payment if he gets married within a month after they get divorced, because that's assumed to be sketchy. Dad already said he won't contest it even though there was no actual cheating. All for One is extremely rich and won't even notice the money. Touya, you know Mom won't have much luck getting a job after spending years unemployed in the hospital. She needs this."

"Who cares?" Dabi growled, the back of his coat smoking. "I blame Mom, too."

Shouto's face hardened. "I won't let you get in the way of Mom's happiness." He took a defensive position with his fists raised.

Tomura pointed at Izuku. "Hero brat, you're an All Might fan. Why in the name of video games would you want Endeavor as a stepdad?"

Izuku's face was zen but his eyes burned green. "My mother went out on a date with All Might yesterday. If All for One finds out, he'll definitely try to ruin their relationship. I need All for One distracted with his own love affair. You will not mess up my one shot at collecting the real All Might—ahem, I mean getting All Might as a stepdad."

Tomura tossed his gloves to the ground and stepped on them. "That only makes it even worse for me. I'll see everyone here dead before I accept All Might into my family, even indirectly."

"Challenge accepted," Izuku said, then he moved so fast it seemed like he'd teleported. His punch knocked Tomura into the van—and out the other side, leaving a hole in the vehicle.

Dabi lunged. Shouto blurted out, "Big brother, please, you seriously don't want to go into that church—"

"I want to burn you and this wedding to ashes." Dabi grinned like a skull, blue consuming his body. Shouto met the fire with a wave of ice.

Meanwhile, Tomura decayed his way through the rubble of the van and came at Izuku again. Izuku leapt in the air and slammed his feet down on Tomura's head, sending him into a crater on the ground. Ruthlessly, Izuku kicked his fallen foe again.

"NO!" Tomura screamed. "I can't lose! I refuse to accept another bad dad into my life!" Tottering, he touched the ground. Even though he only used two fingers, a trail of decay spread before him. The air trembled as his power grew.

"A quirk awakening," Izuku hissed, leaping away from the destruction.

Shouto shouted, "Stop, big brother, before your own flames consume you!"

Dabi's face could no longer be seen amidst the smoke and fire. He wailed, "I have enough brothers already, I'm not taking Tomura too! With my luck, Tomura will somehow become Endeavor's new favored child."

Shouto sucked in a sharp breath. Instead of trying to win, he focused on dousing the fire before it killed his older brother.

But a transformation was taking place in the eye of the firestorm. Ice sprouted from Dabi's chest. He screamed, "My latent ice has awakened! Look at me, I'm the strongest now! Come dance with me in hell, Endeavor—or whatever the cold equivalent of hell is. Norse hell is cold, I think."

The two villains shot forward in a swirl of ice, fire, and decay. Izuku grabbed Shouto by his collar and carried him away from the unstoppable wave of destruction.

The front wall of the church burned and crumbled away. Then Tomura and Dabi stared in horror at the indescribably traumatizing sight of their two fathers doing…things. Terrible things that could not be named. But to jerk their eyes away only meant more trauma at the sight of the wedding suits lying discarded on the carpet. And the sounds…oh, the hellish sounds…

Tomura and Dabi could not move, not even to blink. Their mouths opened but no screams came out. Their brains had shut down. The grooms were too distracted to even notice them. Still carrying Shouto on his back, Izuku picked up both big brothers and carried them safely away from the horror.

Once out of earshot, Izuku set everyone down. Shouto ran to his brother and cradled him. "Poor Touya! I can't imagine how you must have suffered. Actually, I can imagine, because we arrived at the church slightly before you."

Dabi sobbed and clutched Shouto's chest. "You…you tried to warn me…"

"I did. When we showed up, no guests were at the wedding. Even the city official immediately fled after marrying them. It must have been all the evil in the air. All for One said something about how he'd always wanted to desecrate a church altar. We barely escaped before they started…consummating the marriage." Shouto shuddered. "We locked the door. I wanted to run, but I stayed to warn you."

"I never realized how much you cared about me, to have tried to spare me your trauma." Dabi hugged Shouto. "I'll never bully you again, little brother."

Izuku knelt down and patted Tomura's back. "How are you feeling?"

"Terrible." Tomura vomited. "I don't think I could have survived that sight for a single second longer. You saved my life." He wiped off his mouth. "From now on, I accept you as my little brother. Now, let us never speak of this again."

Izuku gave Tomura a handkerchief. "Let's grab a meal. Mom always says that food helps her cope with trauma. I'm underage, but you can get drunk."

"Alcohol, I need alcohol," Tomura moaned.

Dabi grunted in agreement. "I experienced the sensation of being number one—the number one most miserable person in the world. I'm going to drink until I forget what that felt like."

The four of them staggered off, but the horror would never fully leave them. They shared the comradery of those who had seen the unspeakable and survived.

Faintly, in the distance, silvery bells chimed like the sound of a curse breaking. Although whether the curse had been broken by the union of the most dysfunctional family in existence, or broken by that brief moment when Dabi became the number one most miserable person in the world, no one would ever know.

OMAKE TIME!

Omake: First Date

Endeavor: Then my oldest son ran off to a shrine and set himself on fire. I've never recovered from the trauma.

All for One: That's rough. Have you considered bank vaults for the rest of your children?

Endeavor: No, no, I'm trying to be less controlling.

All for One: What a strange concept.

Endeavor: It's strange that you're so messed-up I'm actually the good influence…but I think I like it! Tell me more about how much you hate All Might.

#

Omake: Rejected

Dabi: I'll do anything to stop my father from marrying All for One.

Enji: I could arrange a marriage with you and Tomura to break the family curse.

Both Dabi and Tomura: Naaaaaaah.

#

Omake: Explaining to the Family

Fuyumi: What do you mean All for One mailed you Touya in a bank vault? Oh dear, I'll have to tell the doctors that now you're hallucinating.

Enji: That's the moment when I fell in love. Rei never brought my son back to life—well, actually, she gave life to all our children, but she never got me a son in a bank vault. Vaults are superior. The power of love has shown me so.

#

Omake: Common Ground

Enji: Do you talk in bed?

All for One: Only about how much I hate All Might. My wife found it a turnoff, that's why we only have one child. There's no accounting for taste.

Enji: Marry me.

#

Omake: Speed-running the Boss Fight

Tomura: I'll die before I accept All Might into my family!

Izuku: All Might is already in your family, Nana Shimura adopted him.

Tomura: Urk.

Izuku: That was easy. Oh no, I hope he's not actually dead.

#

Omake: The TodoDeku AU

Shouto: Izuku and I are dating now.

Dabi: Hold up. You mean that you could have married into All for One's family like our father wanted, thus sparing us all this nightmare, and all you had to do was get together with the guy you already had a crush on? I take it back! I'm still killing you!

Shouto: But I was going to ask you to be a groomsman at our wedding.

Dabi: Ah, I see you secretly hate me in return. Nice try, I refuse to even be in the same city as that disaster. You do realize that All for One, Endeavor, and All Might will all be at your wedding?

Izuku: We have a problem. I deliberately didn't invite All for One, but Endeavor is bringing him as a plus one.

Shouto: Excuse me, I didn't invite my father either.

Izuku: My dad brought a bank vault as a gift, and I'm pretty sure his gift to himself involves locking me inside.

Inko: Don't worry, I'll kill anyone who tries to ruin my baby's big day.

#Then Inko murders All for One on the day of the wedding #Inko becomes number one hero #And Enji married All for One for nothing because he's still number two #The ultimate crack ending

#

Omake: Truly a Crack Ship Made in Heaven!

Natsuo: I can't believe this abomination of a marriage has lasted.

Fuyumi: Um, I guess we should be glad Dad found someone.

Natsuo: Should we, though?

Fuyumi: All for One is distracted from his villainy, and our father is distracted from interfering in our lives. So far they haven't caused any harm besides the massive amounts of All Might merch set on fire every date night. It seems to be working. Like…two negatives turning into a positive. Plus our moms are doing wonderfully.

Inko: Yes, take my ex-husband and no returns accepted!

Author's Note: "Do you think that God stays in heaven because he too lives in fear of what he has created?"—Romero, Spy Kids.

Crack Singularity has been reached. For the first time ever writing fanfic, I feel a tiny bit of shame. If you somehow reached the end of this fic, then I apologize for nothing, but I salute you for your bravery.