One day, the Teletubbies were engaging in a massive orgy like usual. Lala sucked Po's super awesome cock while Tinky Winky gave Dipsy many hickeys all over her body, it was fun and erotic. The baby sun watched the entire thing unfold and gave his approval to the quadrusome happening in front of him.
Suddenly, Mr. Teacherman came out of nowhere and yelled "THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE STORY!" before pulling out a Snicker's bar made from the Lightning Bolt of Zeus and tossing it at the Teletubbies, obliterating them instantly and destroying their entire world.
Now our story truly began as Mr. Teacherman sat in his classroom, playing his guitar and attempting to do a cover of the theme song to one of his favorite cartoons, Stretch Armstrong and the Flex Fighters. Unfortunately, Mr. Teacherman is absolutely terrible at playing the guitar, so the sounds that erupted from his instrument caused some of the most unholy waves of music to ever be heard by human ears.
Every time he strummed his guitar, a swarm of sex trafficking sharks would kidnap someone and bring them to the ocean.
Mr. Teacherman then got up on his desk and began playing a rad guitar solo. As he did this, the entire population of Vermont disappeared and thus became an empty wasteland.
Suddenly Mr. Teacherman's arch-nemesis, Reb Brown, jumped through the window and snatched Mr. Teacherman's guitar from him.
"HEY, GIVE THAT BACK" yelled Mr. Teacherman.
"How about no" said Reb Brown before raising the guitar up in the air and slamming it on his knee, causing the guitar to break into two pieces.
Mr. Teacherman was heartbroken at the site that lay before him. This mulch eater had just smashed his most prized possession that he'd just bought an hour ago, now he'd have to pay with his life.
"YOU SON OF A BITCH THAT GUITAR HAS BEEN IN MY FAMILY FOR 60 MINUTES, BASICALLY A LIFETIME" yelled Mr. Teacherman passionately.
Meanwhile Reb Brown was picking his nose before looking over and saying "I'm sorry, what did you say?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" yelled Mr. Teacherman before attempting to tackle Reb to the ground.
Reb dodged to the side before using a pair of safety scissors to tear open a portal in reality and hop to another dimension, with Mr. Teacherman following him close by in order to avenge his guitar.
…
In the forest, Mark and his crew of filmmakers were being strung up by an army of cannibals, this displeased them greatly as being dismembered by cannibals is a pretty terrible way to spend your weekend.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" yelled Mark as his flesh was ripped off and consumed by the native tribes.
"Ook" yelled the cannibals in delight as they devoured the flesh of the cameraman.
Suddenly, Reb Brown burst through a portal and began slaughtering the cannibals left and right with his iconic weapon, a Scooby-Doo PEZ dispenser!
Guts and gore flew around the place as Reb did his iconic scream while killing so many people.
A half dead Mark limped over and hugged Reb while saying "you saved me!"
Reb looked over at the man hugging him before saying "ewww, don't touch me" before grabbing Mark and tossing him into a black hole, where he was ripped apart atom by atom.
Reb Brown then took a short break to brush his teeth because dental hygiene is important.
Mr. Teacherman then burst through the portal and yelled "REB, I'M GONNA KILL YOU SO HARD THAT YOU DIE!" and then I got an award for writing such a genius line.
Mr. Teacherman then looked around and noticed that the cannibals were eating the flesh of the film crew, looking as happy as ever.
Mr. Teacherman then curiously decided to grab some for himself, before taking a bite of the morsel.
"THIS, IS, DELICIOUS" yelled Mr. Teacherman as he discovered a new taste for human flesh.
"Ook ook" cheered the cannibals as Mr. Teacherman began happily eating with his new friends, completely forgetting the reason for why he was here in the first place.
"You guys are alright with me" said Mr. Teacherman as he gorged himself on the flesh of one of Mark's friends.
Mr. Teacherman then felt a tap on his shoulder. "What do you want" asked Mr. Teacherman, before a fist came and socked him right in the kisser, sending him flying through a dozen trees before landing on his ass.
"Oh right I forgot, I came here to avenge my guitar" declared Johnny Test's teacher before pulling out a minigun which fired spiders and began firing the arachnids at Reb Brown.
Reb Brown swung his PEZ dispenser at light speeds and cut all the spiders in half with his ultra-fast reflexes.
Reb then swung his Scooby-Doo Pez dispenser again and made a large cut across Mr. Teacherman's chest, causing blue candy flavored blood to spray everywhere and for Mr. Teacherman to drop to his knees, unable to rise after suffering such a vicious wound.
"You've lost Teacherman" said Reb Brown smugly.
Mr. Teacherman didn't say anything, he just simply whispered to himself "father, I beg you to please give me some advice on what to do."
The spirit of Mr. Teacherman's father, David Hasselhoff, appeared in front of the teacher and said "remember Teacherman, even when your hope is gone, move along and you'll make it through."
"Dad, those are lyrics from a Bionicle commercial"
"It still fits son" said David Hasselhoff before waving his fingers and sprinkling spiritual magic onto Mr. Teacherman, healing the teacher's wounds instantly.
"Now go and make your father proud" said the spirit, before exploding into a pile of Jolly Ranchers.
Mr. Teacherman did as his father said and stood back up, before reaching into his pocket and pulling out the most holy weapon of all holy weapons.
A rubber band
"How did you survive my attack" questioned Reb.
"That doesn't matter heathen, the point is that your time has come" said Mr. Teacherman in a surprisingly grand way of speaking.
Reb Brown sensed the great pool of energy coming from the teacher and tried to run away, but it was too late.
Mr. Teacherman pulled his rubber band back and launched it at Reb Brown, hitting him directly in the eye and causing him to explode into a pile of Reeses Pieces.
"You have been avenged guitar" said Mr. Teacherman
"Ook, ook" said the cannibals cheerfully in unison as Mr. Teacherman sat down and began eating flesh with his new circle of friends, now that his arch nemesis had been defeated.
I don't know how to end this fanfic, so I'll just give you a fun fact. Did you know that the guy who played Captain America in the 1990 movie is actually the son of the guy who wrote Catcher in the Rye? Now you're a bit smarter thanks to your old pal, Hitlertheduck.