Jud
Jud rolled onto his back, momentarily relieved. The feeling was short-lived, however, and was replaced by a familiar, aching emptiness.
"Hey, was-was that all right?"
"Yeah. Yeah, of course" the woman lying next to him responded. "Was it all right for you? You're the one payin'."
"Yeah."
"Okay, well, then…" her voice trailed off and she looked at him, tapping her fingers against her crossed arms.
He looked at the small clock on her dresser. "Still got twenty minutes."
She sighed and leaned her head back. "What'd you have in mind?"
"Maybe I could sorta…hold you?" He felt himself flinch as he asked—it felt like such a shameful question, and the look of pity it always earned him made it not worth asking most times. Once he even gave a girl an extra dollar to say she loved him. He'd just wanted to hear the words, but it had left him feeling far worse than before.
This girl didn't smirk at him at least, just shrugged and rolled over onto her side. He wrapped his arms around her as best he could, pressing himself against the warmth of her body.
He'd thought at first that other women could help him forget Laurey; he sought out girls who looked like her, then girls who didn't, but nothing worked. He told himself there was nothing special about Laurey, that lips were lips and holes were holes. But he couldn't keep himself from thinking of her, no matter how many pretty girls he distracted himself with.
"Hey, um, Iris? It's Iris, right?"
"Yeah."
"There anythin' I could do, uh, to make it better?" He figured if a woman was ever going to like him, he had to have some talent in that regard. He thought he did; he'd certainly had enough practice, but it never hurt to be sure.
"No, I told you it was all right."
"I know that, but…I want it to be more'n all right. 'M" the lie came easily by then "gettin' married soon, so I wanna be good at it. Good as possible."
"Oh, well, it'll be better when you're married." Her voice softened, as though he were an animal that had been tamed, as though he must be alright if another woman liked him enough to get engaged to him. Having a woman in the first place somehow made up for his cheating on her. "It's always better when you love the person. Or at least know them a little bit."
"That right?" That couldn't be too hard, getting to know a person better. Especially Laurey, since they lived on the same property, ate their meals together. That wouldn't be special enough, though, just having conversations at the table. Maybe if he took her to the social, she'd talk to him more. They could have a nice time together, they could dance, and he could get her away from Aunt Eller for a few hours, ask her questions and get to know her as much as he wanted. He wasn't exactly sure what kinds of things he was supposed to learn about her, but he could figure that out later.
"Was always nice with my husband. And he wasn't particularly good or nothin'." Iris added, dreamier and sleepier than she had been before.
"Oh. Did he die?" If he were going to start getting to know Laurey better, he figured he should get some practice with talking to women.
"Yeah."
"How?"
"Think it's time for you to leave."
The clock showed that it wasn't, but he could tell by her voice that she didn't want him there anymore.
He wanted to argue, to explain that he'd just wanted to know, just wanted to feel closer to her like she'd said, but he'd somehow done it wrong, done it in a way that annoyed her. It always happened that way.
"S'pose so" he put an extra dollar on her bedside table anyway. "I'll, uh, maybe see you again?"
"Thought you was gettin' married." She wasn't even accusing, just sounded bored. He wondered if she even fully believed him, if anyone would believe that a man like him could find a woman on his own.
"I meant before then"
She shrugged. "Yeah, maybe."